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TNA IMPACT
REPORT
(07/09/09)
by ANDARIEL HALO

Hi.

SO! How about that... stuff? With wrestling? Despite my job title, it's safe to say I do not keep up with wrestling beyond what I read on this site. And since there's no TNA or Smackdown recapper, I have no idea what's happening on them.

So TNA iMPACT opens with a video package what with recapping what I saw the past few weeks, what with Joe and Angle and Sting and all the same people from the main event scene for the past three years.

Welcome to this week's TNA iMPACT recap! Now with more cursing!

Today's dumb-ass title is "Foley's Last Stand?"

Foley comes to the ring, and mentions how getting 25 big ones on his head can make him pretty cool, while getting two little ones on his nose can make him look like an idiot. Since he didn't say exactly what specifically, I logically deduce that he means cumshots. Bukkake Foley. Live with that image. Nightmare fuel. Like cumming on your childhood teddy bear. Oh yes, I went there.

Oh yeah, and Foley is talking about power struggle with Jeff Jarrett, and one of them stepping down from their decision-making capacity. It's not that I don't care; it's just that TNA's writing is so horrible, that I'm forced not to care. Jarrett's music is the best thing about him.

Jarrett comes out, and asks if Foley ever thinks about his words before he says them. Clearly -I- do not! See my above copious semen facial joke for reference. What was Jarrett saying? I don't remember. Generic wrestling stuff of "We've been there, we're cut from the same mold, it's the business, it's in our blood, we've seen things and done stuff."

Jarrett says Foley has nothing to prove, because Foley's been proving he's still got it (and I still feel like that time the fans chanted "YOU STILL GOT IT" at Sting that one time years ago just felt lame and awkward). Jarrey says Foley will still be a legend after Wictory Road, whereas in his desire to prove himself, he is ruining TNA.

See, here's the problem there: That is a TREMENDOUSLY GOOD idea for a storyline, but they haven't shown ANY EVIDENCE AT ALL of Foley doing anything remotely like that. You can't make "2001: A Space Odyssey" by filming doodles of your ideas and saying "just pretend this is real". You can make a shitty cartoon that way, though. Or "Tim and Eric's Awesome Show, Great Job!".

Jarrett also wants Foley to think about the "athaletes" who need Jarrett and Foley to coexist, for their futures, as if the two of them were writing for run-ins in every match and forcing them to climb up poles for random objects, or expecting them to remember the booking of a match along with a half-page long description of the stipulations.

Foley admits that the idea of defending the title once a year was a stupid idea. He then Benoit's it up by claiming that his children are able to see things the way he can't, due to multiple hits to the head. Cane Dewey? Foley says he needs to prove to HIMSELF at Wictory Road that his championship run was not a fluke, and he needs to prove it against the greatest wrestler ever.

See, these are the things that make wrestling great. This idea of Foley's, this storyline here, this promo; he doesn't need to prove to ANYONE that he's great; he needs to prove to HIMSELF that he is. And we will stand by him all the way!

And then Taz will come and just kill the shit out of him, and the British Invasion will run in, and maybe Kevin Nash will come on down with a passed out Scott Hall and try to re-enact that ending scene from Midnight Cowboy.

Jarrett says okay, but then brings up nipple tweaking again, and offers a threesome at Wictory Road, adding himself into the match. There's the ol' Triple J I never knew from 2002 and on!

Here come those lists of stipulations: SPECIAL GUEST REFEREE! But it cannot be a Main Event Mafia member. Or Matt Morgan. Foley mysteriously agrees, basically confirming his inevitable loss. He then calls for Jarrett's music gaily, while Jarrett gives a sleazy look to the audience.

NOW BACKSTAGE with British people and a blonde in a tanktop. TEH DOUG has a briefcase, and gives a promo. Brutus Mangus now, putting over TEH DOUG, or as we all know him, "Who?", and Big Rob Terry, who I shall now call The Steroid. Going off on a retarded tangent, I shall apologize for a few weeks ago I mistakingly referred to the Stereotypical British Guy from The Mummy franchise as "Jonathan Hammond". I don't know where in the hell I got that from, but Wikipedia tells me their last name is "Carnahan". Anyway, this is what Brutus Magnus looks like to me. He says they don't care about American wrestling. They say they're here for the big money. Wrong wrestling entertainment group, Britons. He calls the Team 3D's "Blubber Ray" and "Brother Devin Custard". Give a haughty British dandy laugh.

Random Commercial Thoughts: The reason you haven't seen the Road Dogg on TNA lately is that he's dead. Jesse James is a dead man.

The British come out to their own diddly-sounding music remotely like the MEM entrance, but then going off on its own random-guitaring tangent. TEH DOUG is out for some reason. Ladder match of some kind. TEH DOUG wants a challenge better than TEH DEANER from last week. A real wrestler comes out to fight him.

Homicide vs Doug

They start in with punchings, then a running shoulder thing on TEH DOUG by Homoizide. Irish whip and he clotheslines. This would be easier if they allowed man on woman wrestling, so I could just use "he" and "she" pronouns. Homocide gets a ladder to go get the briefcase, when TEH DOUG does a top rope move that pretty much completely misses Homocide, but clips his leg to allow benefit of the kayfabe doubt. Something happened and the ladder ended up falling on Homidie's chest.

TEH DOUG climbs up to the briefcase, and is milking this enough for Homicide to push the ladder. Boy, as a ladder match, this is a tiny affair, yes, but they just totally screw up the whole "I must get the briefcase" aspect. TEH DOUG literally could have grabbed that shit, but just stalled intentionally. Anyway, Team 3Dicles grab TEH DOUG and allow Homicide to get the briefcase.

WINNAR: The murderer

Key Yoshi comes out with the non-Iron Sheik Abdul Jabbar, and they all start kicking the shit out of the fat ones. No one comes out to their rescue, as evident by the fact that the British music starts to play.

Video package for Mick Foley! The exact same one from last week. He plans on becoming. If I had a wife like his, I'd be-coming too. See what I did there?

Back from a Bruno commercial. Rundown for iMPACT, I think. Yes, it is. Main event is two deadweights vs two of the best ever.

INTERVIEW with Suicide by Michael Tenay. He says that Suicide's song has lyrics. Really? I never noticed. Apparently Suicide wrote them himself. They read like a generic emo suicide letter. Oh hey! It sounds like they're using a voice modulator on him, because he sounds like his voice is being modulated. He sucks. And holy shit, this next line of lyrics is just great for the children: "Suicide comes alive. It takes the pain from all those who just can't see the light". He then says he's alive, and says suicide does not represent the end, but represents.... wait for it.... big shocking SWERVE~!.... the beginning. WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOW! That was so originalnot.

Video package for Bound for Glory. Wow, already? Wasn't it just like six months ago that Bound for Glory happened? Time passes fast when you base your own life on what was happening in wrestling at the time. I did that from 2000 to 2003, and almost missed my life from that period.

Video package for the Main Event Mafia. I don't like how this face/heel thing works. Sting claims they made the MEM specifically for "punks" like Joe, and everyone cheers because Joe is heel and Sting is face. But back then, Joe was face and Sting was face. So what the fuck? And Joe would probably react by wanting to kick Sting's ass all the same anyway, so what in the shit makes Joe a heel for that reason? Or does wanting money make you a heel? That didn't make Shawn Michaels (or as Lilian Garcia calls him, "Shawn Michael") a heel when he signed up to be JBL's part-time tool of some sort.

Sting comes out to show off he jacked Angle's belt. And he's the face? He calls out Joe, anyway. He claims Joe is the reason why wrestling is bad right now. While IWC smarks would likely go "lolwut?" I go through a crazy philosophical scheme: there would be no MEM if it weren't for Joe and other young up and comers wanting to be all big-time "stars" and shiz. If they just bowed their heads and did as they were told and let the main eventers bury them perpetually, eventually the fans would turn on them, and the main eventers would retire or get fired, and then the younglings could rise again!

Anyway, Stink threatens Joe, insults him, and orders Joe to attack him. Joe says Taz told him to keep his temper. I'm pretty sure he didn't say Taz, but considering TNA's great subtlty, it's bound to leave many in suspense as to who is directing him, but we do know it's someone associated with the phrases "13" and "Survive if I let you". Sting asks who is his Oz. And there it's revealed: It's Kevin Nash, with his old Oz gimmick. That would be a serious markout moment. By the way, there hasn't been a real match yet, because I don't consider that Eggo Mini-level ladder thing a real match.

BACKSTAGE with Lauren and someone. Who the hell is this? This random person says Raisha Saeed is going to train her for a match against Sharmell. Oh, I see, it's Jenna something.

To ring now with Booger T and Scott Steiner coming on commentary. YAY. Right off the bat, Booker T gorilla's it up, while Steiner mishy-moos something that was completely incoherent except "Mike Tenay" at the end. As the Motor City Machine Guns are coming out, Booker is hooting and grunting and making monkey sounds that are completely incomprehensible.

Motor City Machine Guns vs Beer Money

James Storm has his beer cooler scooter, and Booker T is jabbering nonstop over Beer Money's entire entrance, and goddammit it all if you can understand more than a handful of words he's saying, then you are a better listener than me. And Booker T actually puts over the Machine Guns. I think.

Match starts with James Storm and Sabin. Booker T reverts back to "Black Snow" and is calling the match immediately better than Mike Tenay and Don West's entire commentating careers combined and multiplied. Jimmy Jack Storm is dominating Sabin a bit, while people chant "you suck" at someone, presumably the heel. Sabin leaves the ring after slapping Jimmy Jack, and now some nifty double team work with Sabin running away and Robot Shelley jumping on Jimmy Jack from the apron. Now inside, Shelley somehow tagging Sabin, and failed pin.

Arm wrench by Shelley and tags in Sabin again, who does a double axe handle on Storm's back, and the two do a double team clothesline that looked weak as hell, but Jimmy Jack Storm sold it anyway. Shelley does a weak-ass dorpping elbow on Storm's back. Roode did a fun move by running in and basically spearing Roode out of the way from the Gunsz' double team and... whoa. That was kind of scary. I thought Beer Money was going to break up. Roode slammed Storm ontot he mat, but then jumped out, and tagged himself in, starting to beeat up the Gunsz.

Dorpkick onto Sabin by Roode, and spinebuster on him. Pin but Sabin breaks it. Some nifty corner-to-corner counter-to-counter moves by all of them. Shelley does a weird move in which he's gonna do a Rock Bottom, but then lets Sabin dorpkick Storm, so he can fall with Shelley in tow. Jimmy James fights back, does a backcracker and Roode and he do a double-team thing into a powerbomb for the pin and win.

WINNAR: Booker T's commentary

Backstage now with Angelina Love jabbering to herself rapidly about stuff and hating spiders. Suddenly the other two have stopped. Madison Rayne is mad now. I want to know when she stopped being Sexy Sexy Slave Girl and started being a real Beautiful People member. She chews out Angelina angrily. Oh wait, that was Velvet Sky. See, I get the three mixed up now specifically because the third one is there. Fucker.

Sarita promo, who Tenay idiotically calls her "Surina" HAHAHA! The camera guy zooming in on Velvet Sky's butt suddenly pulls his hand out to reach and touch her.

I fear for formerly-Victoria's TNA career. It seems now they're milking this whole "I'M A TARANTULA" gimmick thing to a degree that it will become Flanderized the way it was with Black Reign. It's all about her being a freak who loves tarantulas.

Velvet Sky vs Tara

Match starts with Velvet Sky missing a clothesline and getting knocked in the turnbuckle by Tara, irish whip, and Velvet kicks on her, then a clothesline, and gets on her for mounted head punches, and a choke, then a catfight hairpull lift thing. Then a catfight hair throw. This is all on SvR09. Velvet Sky pins, fails. Mike Tenay quotes Steven Tyler. Fail. Vlvet Sky is angyry. Tara on the ropes, and Angelina Love is obviously going to hit her, but she obviously stalls so the referee stops her.

Tara punches on Velvet Skye, then clotheslines, then scoop slams. Wow, this is some real, nifty, technical wrestling, not. Sarcasm. This sucks. Widow's Peak. WINNAR: Tara

What's the point of all this tarantula play? Angelina gets on the microphone to stop Tara, and tells her to stop with the stupid tarantula play. Tara says only if she puts the Knockouts title on the line in a match. Like, right now. Angelina hesitates, then is forced to when Tara threatens to use the Tarantula again. This sucks.

Angelina Love vs Tara

Angelina was gonna use the belt to hit Tara, but the referee stops her, and Tara goes for a schoolboy, fails, then a backslide, fails, then a small package, fails. Jee, she's just deadset against wrestling tonight, it seems. And it's not like she did very much wrestling against Velvet Sky earlier. Jee, Tara looks really really old. Like she looks 14 years older than she was in the WWE just a few months ago. Rudy Charles throws Madison Rayne out.

They are outside now, brawling a bit, and Angelina gets offense in on Tara, whiipping her into guard rails and against the ring apron and such. I think a fan tried to touch her butt, but she jerked away, and the commentators covered it by claiming her foot got stuck and that fan was trying to help free her. Angelina rolsl her in and goes for a pin that fails, then immediately goes for another. What is the point of that in any match ever? Going for three pinfalls in a row. That reminds me of that Family Guy joke with Stewie playing Pictionary with that family, and he's drawing something while the guy screams "JACKAL! JACKAL! IT'S A JACKAL! JACKAL? JACKAL JACKAL JACKAL!" Time up, "*head on table* It wasn't right the first time, why the HELL would it be right the next ten times around?!"

My left thumb hurts.

Angelina then gets a bicycle kick on Tara, then goes for ANOTHER pin, fails, and another pin, fails, AND ANOTHER PIN, fails. Then she has a fit of sorts reminiscent of the time Christian used to do it in the ring. Angelina smacks down Tara, then irish whips into the turnbuckle, runs, and hits the turnbuckle when Tara moves aside. Tara just slaps Angelina twice, then a bunch of clothesline, then a swingy-doo slam that started from a Death Valley Driver position. Failed three count, then a Widow's Peak. Pin and win.

WINNAR + TNA Knockouts Champion: Tara

I know I hate Angelina Love and think she's ugly, but that was just a horrible, terrible, boring as hell match.

BACKSTAGE AGAIN with Lauren interviewing Tara, who seems to have utterly lost the whole horror freak gimmick, and talks generic "It's all good" promo. She randomly has the tarantula in her free hand.

Wictory Road rundown, using cursing and parodied names:

Jenna More Ass Cunt vs Charmin
THE BLUEPRINT OF FAILURE Matt Organ vs DANIELS DANIELS and his magic pinky
Booker T and Scott Steiner vs Penis Money
TNA Leges Championship Kebong Nash vs AJ Stylesz
...

I fucked something up. I said Jarrett inserted himself into the Wictory Road main event. Clearly I fucked it up, or else TNA can't explain shit. Apparently the Wictory Road match is still Foley vs Angle, whereas the main event TONIGHT is the threesome with the special referee.

Earlier this week footage with Chris being angry at Stevie's office. He finds Stevie, and pushes him into the office, angrily. It turns out Stevie spat some water on him or something, because he starts shaking and crawls onto the couch, and Stevie revealed that it wasn't just water, but a drug, with some made up fake name he mumbles so no one can catch it. From the looks of it, it seems like Stevie got some, too. Chris can breathe, but he can't talk or move any muscle. Logic fails here, as Chris is still moving a bunch. Stevie starts hitting him and stuff. Breaks a glass against his head.

Matt Morgan and his semen with Kevin Nash vs DANIELS DANIELS and AJ Styles

Announcer calls him "Daniel". Ugh. Real name or not, it just sucks on its own. Daniels starts this with Matt Morgan. Christopher is all choppy, but Morgan no-sells it while looking like Goldberg in how he screams and opens his mouth as wide as he can. FOR COCK! Daniels Daniels starts kicking up on Morgan's legs, but he just kicks Crhstiopher, then scoop slams him. Big-ass jumpign elbow misses, and now Christopher Daniels has a headlock, Morgan tries a backdrop, but Daniels flips out, tags in AJ, and AJ starts attempting to bring down Morgan, double team thing with AJ tripping him, Daniels clotheslining him.

Pin by AJ on Morgan fails. Morgan grabs him and throws him into turnbuckle, then runs and smashes up on him. Kevin Nash in to Nash it up. He mocks someone, it looks like he's mocking Matt Morgan. Then he tags in Matt Morgan, and Kevin Nash looks like he's injured himself doing next to nothing. He attacks Daniels, then Daniels attacks him, then the Carbon Footprint on Daniels Daniels. And a replay WAS necessary, because it looked real. Pin fail. Tag in Nash and he starts knee thrusting on Daniels Daniels. My own knee is still in tremendous pain. Will need an MRI soon. Likely hurt it doing nothing with my sedentation. Morgan puts Daniels on turnbuckle, backs into him, and does a faggy sort of multiple rapid back elbows on him. Then he chokeslams him onto the turnbuckle.

Pinfail. Daniels Daniels reaches over to Nash, for some kind of tag maybe? Nash holds him, but Morgan ends up punching him because he missed. AJ comes in and beats up on Morgan, including a high flying move. Does a springboard Superhero Punch thing that he banged his hand against the metal on in that cagey match that was on Botchamania a few days ago. Morgan whips, but AJ slides under him, then uses Morgan to do a baseball slide on Kevin Nash through the second rope. Chokeslam attempt but AJ flippy-doos, and does a PELE~! on Morgan, who proceeds to sell it like shit. He basically didn't do shit, breathed a bit, then suddenly keeled over. Bowel Movement Extreme by Daniels Daniels, and a cross-ring frog splish by AJ for a pinfall.

WINNARS: Daniels and AJ Smiles

Kebong attackst hem after, and Morgan gets up to attack them as well. Kevin steals some guy's steel chair to slide in for Morgan to use to stomp on Daniels Daniels' leg. My knee pain ain't getting any better. BIG fucking leg drop on it by Morganite. My knee hurts. AJ comes in too late with the chair, but they run away laughing. Except Nash who waddles along.

Random forumer thoughts: It's obvious people like Anthony Dean and Sparty's Cousin only really hold out nerd-hope to have sex with me, even if in a cyber way. Why else would they steal my jokes and steal my heart? I mean penis. I mean, they suck.

Backstage with Sting pretending to be Samoa Joe. It wasn't obvious until Lauren called him Samoa Joe, just kind of clinging to the wall. Then a car comes by, Sting emerges, and tries to pull the driver out. Samoa Joe arrives with a knife to choke out Sting. As opposed to cutting him or something.

Video package. Jeff Jarrett will become.

Eric Young got chosen as special (get it? Because he used to be retarded) guest refereee.

Mick Foley vs Jeff Jarrett vs Kurt Angle

Match starts, all of them wiggly-bigglying around, before charging all at once, and both of them teaming up against Angle. I can hear Eric Young's child-smoker voice from here. Jarrett does a delay suplex on Angle, then Foley picks him up for a headlock and a grindy-face against the ropes. Jarrett then does the most boring move ever: the turnbuckle mounted ten punches thing. Eric Young pulls him off almost immediately, and they start arguing while Foley goes to punch Angle, then tries to clothesline, but Angle moves and Foley hits Jarrett. INTRIGUE!

Foley tosses Angle out of the ring, then politely shouts for someone to move away from the guardrail while Foley slams him down upon him. Foley has Angle down, but Jarrett turns him around and does a fake-ass punch, then does an Inverted Russian leg sweep (as it's called on WWF Wrestlemania 2000) but they call it the "stroke".

Commercials come and go and now Angle is dominating Jarrett in th ering. Did a suplex, then a pinfail. Now a chinlock. Jarrett elbows out, and gets caught in a belly to belly suplex. Foley is up, but gets randomly attacked from behind by mushmouth Steiner. Angle pinfails Jarrett. Another chinlock on Jarrett, while he slowly gets up, and fake-elbows out. I don't think Jarrett has done an actual wrestling move here outside of a suplex and maybe his finishing move. Now a top-rope DDT. At least his limited moveset isn't as much suck as Cena's. Pinfail.

Angle with the failed Olympic Slam turned into an armdrag by Jarrett, and another stroke now on Angle. Young counts one, then FREEZE! It takes the crowd a while (a rather long while) but then they start booing. Two. Freeze. Foley comes in and breaks it up. He beats on Jarrett, and gets a sleepher which is turned into a jawbreakert by Jarrett, who gets his guitar, and Eric Young leaves the ring. Foley gets the Mandible Claw, and its copyrighting by WWE is questionable to me. Angle Slam, pinfail as Jarrett gets him off, and puts Angle in a figger four leggo.

Kurt tries to tap tap tap out, but Eric Young holds his hand down. Lul. Angle with the ankle lock on Foley, who has his sock on his hand. He says "no no no" and Eric Young pulls a Hebner on him, and Foley looks genuinely shocked, like when you get caught cheating on a test, or when you get caught peeking in the other gender's bathroom.

WINNAR: Kirtk Angle

Jarrett starts flipping Young around, then starts beating him up on the outside, all while Angle's music plays. Foley then attacks Angle in the ring, but OH NOESZ! It's Samoa Joe, who jacked back the championshit belt from Stink, and now they are all beating up on Foley, while Booke rT comes with barbed wire baseball bat and a "spool of barbed wire", and Kevin Nash with a bunch of barbed wire in hand.

Gongus Wrongus goes off and off and off and off and off and off and off and off and the MEM starts wrapping Foley in barbed wire lazily, and FINALLY the morbidly obese security guards come in, but I can only assume they blew both their quads running in, and they get smashed immediately by Booker and the others. Now the TNAFCW crew comes out, but like it matters, show is off the air.

Things That Spell Correctly: Foley's reasoning for fighting at Wictory Road was shockingly un-TNA in that it was both sensible, and perfectly dramatic and great. The last two matches were okay for TV matches.

Thinks dat Cain't Spell: That mini-ladder match sucked a dick. That Knerkouts matches were just... bad. Really really bad. Boring, bad, boring shit. Are there ANY knocksouts left besides Love, Sky, Rayne, Tara, Kong, and Wilde? What in the shit happened to Jacqueline? Traci Brooks? Moosie? Also, Jeff Jarrett gets progressively more boring each week, and everything he said in his promos were the same old shit you've been hearing from plain-looking arrogant "I've done it all" old man wrestlers since the 70s or even earlier. No disrespect to the Flairs and Andersons and Races and such, but that shit gets old when you're spouting it for all your promos everywhere.

Things that. need editing: This TNA business is really getting old now. Someone needs to stop writing this shit like they're building a roller coaster while the coaster car is moving and full of people.

My ending epilogue: I hate you. Not all of you. Just you. And you. And maybe you.

You've just been Halonic Death Ray'd, and like I say every week, if I'm not back within two or three weeks, consider me dead.

Feedback if you want: phenomynouss@hotmail.com

Andariel Halo is a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. She can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. She translates ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees. Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, Andy once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. Children trust her. She knows the exact location of every dairy item in the supermarket. She has performed covert operations for the CIA. She's in bed every day, but sleeps once a week, OH! The laws of physics do not apply to her. One time, she shot her friend in the back of the head with a BB gun, and placed all blame on him.

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TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).