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TNA IMPACT
REPORT
(07/08/10)
by ANDARIEL HALO

Remember when I said two weeks ago that Random commercial-area thoughts were eating away my time and making 2 hour iMPACT!s become 4-5 hours? I LIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIED ESSEEEEEEEEEEEEE………! Well, not really, but still it took just as long, if not longer. So I brought them back in a limited fashion the week after, and this week? Who knows? I do.

TNA iMPACT~! Now with 30% more fail, and 12% more reader feedback, for a total 42% extra fail!

Reader Feedback Bit 1: Came from some guy called Malcolm Not In The Middle. Supposedly he does some WWE Nexus rant thing here. Whatever, never heard of him. He said:

you know whats one of my little pet peeves with TNA right now? You know how Abyss is still copying Hogan with the finger pointing and yelling "YOU!"? Well, heres the thing, Hogan never actually did that. I know this, as admittingly I was a "Hulkamaniac" back in the day, but Hogan never actually yelled "YOU!" during the finger point. He just pointed, and that was that. I'm guessing some fans yelled it out and it stuck. Oh yeah, it also makes Abyss look like an idiot more than a monster...

Part of my response, as I gave to him: Who gives a shit? WHY give a shit? You honestly think TNA will remember any part of this storyline in one year? Or even eight months? I barely even remember the past four months.

A spectacular ride indeed. How in the fucking hell will the WWE market a History of TNA DVD set and cover the all the stuff that happened coherently?

So video recap for Anderson Anderson. Then it goes to LIVE and he's wandering around backstage carrying a steel chair under his arm, then enters to the ramp and heads down to the ring. He asks if any Creatures of the Night are here, then intorduces JEFFREY NERO HARDY.

Anderson has this to say: Jeff. Jeff. Jeff.

Also, he talks about how he hit Jeff with a chair last week, while some random asshole in the audience says "YOU'RE AN ASSHOLE! HAHAHAHA!! AAASSHOOOLE AAASSHOOOLE AAASSHOOOLE" etcetera. Anderson said he didn't do it on purpose, and people boo, and the same random jerkbag says "YOU'RE AN ASSHOLE" and Anderson says if he DID do it on purpose, he would've told Jeff about it, because guess...

Because he's a narcissist? LEX LU--- no, he said asshole. I'm getting sick of hearing the word "asshole". Motherfucker him. He say they two have a match tonight and he's gonna bring a chair to the ring, and if he uses it, he knows Anderson got a problem with him. Then he says if Jeff uses it, he might deserve it but he'll know that HE has a problem with Hardy.

The Taz sort of says what I'm thinking "... what's he talking about?" though my version was more "... who the fuck are you and why is Mankind so big and fat...ter?!"

Backstage, AJ Styles bitches about some Kazarian folk and says he gonna tear him apart. Elsewhere after a commercial break, Jeff Hardy says he always has to ask about people who hit him with chairs. Sound reasoning.

Kaz vs AJ Styles

Kaz fails in attacking first and AJ and him dance around, with nonstop armdrags for a few seconds, then nonstop punches. Fo rsome reason, a shower of sparkles comes down on the ramp. AJ stomps on Kaz some, and the referee stops him and points at the ramp. AJ then irish wips but reversed and Kaz monkey flips him and poses all "DID YOU SEE?" but that backfires and he gets negative momentum boost, but gets it back by dorpkicking a recovered AJ Smiles.

Then chinlock on AJ by Kaz, and brings him to the ground for a headlock and Ric Flair wanders on down. Since bluhbluhbluh, AJ breaks out, and Kaz resorts to punching him, then running at him, only to bounce around and get dropkicked in the head. AJ tries to hoist him to his feet but Kaz lands on them, and AJ runs at him to knock him down. AJ picks up Kaz to sideslam him, then pin gets 2.

Aj now with a chinlock on Kaz, and brings it down to a headlock, holding it on Kaz for a few seconds, but GOBBLEDYGOBBLEDYGOOKSPOOKSPICCHINKCOON, Kaz gets up and AJ now tries a Styles Clash but gets reversed and Kaz tries a spike piledriver but gets that reversed, some stuff, then a backdrop by Kaz, but AJ recovers quickly for a backbreaker and pin gets 2 before he can escape. AJ jumps on him on the turnbuckle, then brings him for a suplex, but Kaz flips all the way around and lands on his feet, and holds onto the ropes as AJ tries to settle for a neckbreaker.

Kaz slings from the apron onto him and knocks his ass down. Kaz nevertheless gets up and puts AJ on the top turnbuckle and tries for something, but this something is blatantly reversed as AJ shoves him off, and AJ himself falls onto the apron, landing on his feet. He attacks but misses Kaz, but OMFG PELE~!! OUT OF NOWHERE! Kaz nevertheless gets up rather quickly, and AJ tries to do apron shenanigans, but gets a NASTY Fucking kick to his knee.

He then jumps over the rope, grabs AJ's head, and slams it onto the apron in a move that looks better than can be described.

...

The referee arbitrarily disqualifies them both for some out of the ring brawling.

For a change of pace:



WINNAR: Earl Hebner

Jeeeesus. Anyway, Ric Flair runs in as they start brawling again, saying QUIT DICKING AROUND, IT'S OVER! Someone in the audience has a sign that says "STONE OLD SUCKS". Typo. TNA WICTORY ROAD Flair has got a match for them. He say they'll actually be fighting in a tag team against two people.

Backstage, Angelina Love is topless for the camera, but facing away.

Random Commercial-area Thoughts: I get the feeling that Stephen Hawking and people like him talking about time travel in realistic terms are just trying to fuck with stupid people.

Daffney w/ Jobber non-entrance vs Angelina Love

... The fuck you think.

WINNAR: Angelina Love

It took me as long to figure out how to spell "the fuck you think" again with my hands shaking so much as this match did. Angelina then ignores Daffy and talks about going to Wictory Road and winning. This prompts the Madison Rayne to come out and smug it up, all like "Shame on you" and she underestimated Rayne, and she needs to make one thing perfectly clear; if she's putting the title on the line, what is SHE risking?

Here's a better question: Since when do championship title shots need an investment from the challenger? Only in TNA. Fuck's sake. IT'S BRILLIANT! HAIR VS TITLE EVERY WEEK, CAREER VS TITLE EVERY PPV, TIT IMPLANTS ON A POLE REVERSE GAUNTLET MATCH!

Angelina figgered Madison would pull some shit like this, and so met with the Championship committee for SPECIAL STIPULATIONS~! If Lacey or Velvet get involved, Madison will lose the championship. Since she's blonde, she totally forgets how this EXACT SAME THING happened before and the Beautiful People hired Daffney to killshit her. Or maybe it's just this company's shitty shitty writing.

Backstage, INVISIBLE CAMERA GUY asks Team Devon about what he's gonna say to Bruther Ray.

Random Commercial-area Thoughts: I saw "Moon" today. They were ALL clones. You know what I mean if you saw it.

Video package of Team 3D and the Ink Ink people, or more specifically Bruther Ray and Jesse neal and Bruther Devon feeling shame and Shannon Moore feeling ignored and potentially future endeavoured.

In the ring, it's Bruther Devon with Ink Inc. He calls out Brother Ray to straighten this out. Ray wants to stand at the bottom rope and Devon say he don't geddit, they trained Jesse Neal, Brother Ray interviewed him, he was the first person to enter, last person to leave, showed nothing but respect, had respect since day one-ah. He's already been through hell before going through Team 3D. USS COLE BOMBING REFERENCE DROP~!

Terrorists get heat, Neal gets pops. Hey, that isn't fair, Sheik Abdul Dr. Julian Bashir isn't even in the company anymore. Brother Ray says he don't answer to him, cos he's Brother Ray and he's the leader of Team 3D. He tells Devon to shut up for a second, his problem is with Jesse Neal, a disrespectful punk, and now his problem is with Devon cos he's a disrespectful unloyal partner. Where's his loyalty to his brutha~?!?

Devon says his loyalties have nuffin to do with this, and Brother Ray says GIMME AN ANSUH! GIMME AN ANSUH! Devon don't pick sides; never has, never will. We're at war, darkie, you pick a side! With us or with the terrorists.

Brother Ray made a match with Bitchoff, Brother Ray vs Jesse Neal.... vs You. They'll either continue on into glory at Wictory Road, or it ends, completely ignoring that whole WWE brand split catastrofuck which saw the FIRST instance of Brother Devon and Deacon Batista and Buh Buh do... something. Now commercials.

Samoa Joe vs Rob Van Dam

It starts with some circling and such stuff. Then they lock up in grapple, and RVD then starts punching, and they exchange punches so politely, then kicks, then Tenay has an aneurysm with RVD's hard kick to Joe's face. Van Dam then tries to get on the top turnbuckle for something but Samoan Joe tries for a Musclebuster, which fails, so Joe shoves him off onto the elevated ramp thing. The WCW Ramp. Because that's clearly the sort of wrestling company TNA would love to invoke.

Joe tosses Rob Van into the ring abd tgeb trues to fg et in but then Rob Van kicks him out, and tries to Baseball Slide, but Joe slides into the ring first, then suicide dives on him. OH NOESZ~! ECW GUISE COMING TO WATCH THE SHOW AGAIN! MONEY WELL SPENT, TNA; HIRING POPULAR EX WRESTLERS TO SIT DOWN AND WATCH YOUR SHOW! Joe rolls RVD back in, and pin gets 2.

Joe drops Rob van Dam down and tries to smack his back, but RVD rolls him up suddenly oh noesz and pin gets 2. Rob Van then starts circling, and quickly kicking on Joe, and then shoulder blocks on him, and then pushes his foot against Joe's face, all Samoa Joe-like. MIKE TENAY INSINUATES THAT THE TAZ HAS SOME IDEA OF WHAT RAVEN AND DOCTOR STEVIE AND RHINO AND TOMMY DREAMER ARE DOING HERE IN TNA WATCHING THEIR SHOW! The Taz has some kind of point; hell, he was in WWE much longer than in ECW. Tenay KEEPS INSINUATING SHIT with them, pointing out how Tommy Dreamer was Best Man at The Taz's wedding.

Meanwhile in the ring, more brawling, with Joe slamming him down hard and pin gets 2. He then pulls his hair and hoists him up for a snapmare, then some kind of Crappler Croseface on a seated-up Rob Van. But since he isn't Benoit, Rob Van Dam gets to his feet, and bops Joe in the stomach to free himself, then punches him up, and jumpkicks him, then runs on the ropes, and Joe clotheslines him down. Pin gets 2.

Rob Van Dam gets up while Joe is leaning against a turnbuckle, gets shoved in and springboard backkicked by Rob Van Dam. Then some Rolling Thunder and pin gets 2. Rob Van Dam hops onto the top rope for a top rope kick thing on Joe and pin gets 2. Rob Van spinkicks on him in the turnbuckle, but Joe nosells that shit and just blasts him with his fatness, like a Samoan Ho Train.

Joe up against a turnbuckle and Rob Van tries to do his monkey flip flippydoo, but Joe stops that shit with a one-handed standing Rock Bottom, and Joe tries to pin but pin gets 2, and so Joe keeps hold of his legs for a Boston Crab, then does a single-legged Boston Crab, but then Rob Van Dam touches the ropes. RVD sneaks up from behind, punches him up, but gets headbutted, then RVD floats over him, rolls him up off the ropes, but Joe reverses into a Cock-in-a-Clutch choke thing, but Rob Van Dam somehow fucks it up, so Joe settles on a headlock thing.

He presses Rob Van Dam onto the turnbuckle, but he flips over him and drops him down for a snitty little pin.

WINNAR: Rob Van Dam

The Taz calls this a Purist's dream match. Which is like saying a McDonalds Happy Meal is great barbeque cuisine. Meanwhile, Joe arbitrarily smacks the referee and then puts him in a Musclebuster. Normally I'd say "wot?" but I'm guessing this is his way of showing his disgust at the referees doing shitty shitty shitty jobs with horrendous calling and such.

Videp recap for Kurt Angle talking about Neo Anderson and how Hardy should watch his back or whatever.

Random Commercial-area Thoughts: COAL DOES NOT WORK THAT WAY!

Ladder Match
SOMEONE vs Douglas Williams

Normally I'd say "the fuck you think" but this is a ladder match. Near the beginning, I learn this weird-looking cocksucker is called Jeremy Buck. For speed's sake, I'm going to call him variations of "THAT GUY" and "Fuckwad". He bounces around with TEH DOUGLAS a bit with minor attacks, and then jumps out of the ring to attack him on the outside. He then gets a ladder to grab the big red X over it, but TEH DOUGLAS snatches him and slides him onto the top turnbuckle and drops him into a Tree of Woe position. TEH DOUGLAS takes his slow slow time climbing two steps up the ladder, while THAT GUY dropkicks him off.

If he was trying to go for smug and arrogant, it horribly failed, and the commentators horribly nosold it if that was its intent. The ladder ends up against the turnbuckle and THAT GUY tries to chuck TEH DOUGLAS into it a bunch, before finally catapulting him into it. He then runs at TEH DOUGLAS in another corner, but he back drops him out of the ring. TEH DOUGLAS picks up the ladder and the Buck dood kicks him, so he drops the ladder, then he springboard X-Factor's his face into it.

The buck guy sets the ladder up and tries to climb, but TEH DOUGLAS beats on him, then slips his head against his ballsack, and drops him back onto the mat. Now he begins to slowly climb up the ladder... clutching his face overly dramatically... the commentators have no fucking clue what he's doing... so wtf, WCW? What the fuck is this?

Meanwhile, Jeremy Fuck jumps onto the ladder and powerbombs TEH DOUGLAS off. He then climbs back on, sees THE WILLIAMS and kicks him away, then winx0rz.

WINNAR: Jeremy "Huck"? Jeremy Borash's words

TEH DOUGLAS angrily throws the ladder against the mat, then... I guess tries to kick it, but he tried to kick it from the bottom, so like... he did not come anywhere close to hitting the legparts, nor was he anywhere close to hitting the top step where the two sides connect.

I don't know what to say, so here's this:

Video time, with a movie playing with Alex Shelley! Who? You know, that guy from like years ago, when TNA cared enough about their tag team division to release a DVD set and have a big fancy tag team tournament, and they were actually main eventing some episodes of iMPACT!? Oh fuck you, you know you don't know that.

Anyway, he's here to talk to us about Chris Sabin. Hilarity ensues with the moving picture stuff, showing about how Chris used to be fun, dancing goofily, athletic, and handsome *DINGTEETH*. That was BEFORE he discovered the evils of Beer Money... Now he's in his locker room in the darkness, drunk and covered in money. He now pisses in corners, falls off the turnbuckle, and looks like a fag. So parents, warn your kids about the dangers of Beer Money. Sponsored by the Motor City Machine Guns and the "Beer Money Are Tools Foundation"

Speaking of tools:

Beer Money and THE BLUEPRINT OF FAILURE Matt Morgan vs Motor City Machine Guns and Hernandez

Robert Roode starts with a REVITILIZED Chris Sabin, but apparently still suffering the effects of beer and money, as Roode is able to avert his armdragging-attempts and armtwisting. However he gains the hand again and does a hurricanrana on him from jumping off the top rope. Fast stuff, and now Sabin scoop slams Roode, tags in Shellith, and they take turns springboard slamming onto him. Pin gets 2. Roode beats up Shelley, then tags in James Storm for some attempted double teaming, but Shelley shoves Storm into Roode, and now Sabin somehow ends up in the ring with Storm.

Sabin ends up on the apron and bops Storm away, then runs into Matt Morgan's boot to the head. He then gets tagged in to pose for big heel boost to momentum, then picks up Sabin for a clothesline, and steps on him. Then he puts Sabin through the ropes and pulls his arms back for something. Now James Storm tagged in, to chop up Chris Sabin against a turnbuckle, but noesz he is recovering, and runs into James Storm's nutshot. Then he slams him down, and goes for a pin gets 2 as Robot Shelley breaks it up.

Some random thing happens where the commentators claim Robert Roode tagged in behind the referee's back and he heard it but didn't see it... and meanwhile Roode beats on Sabin with the referee not throwing him out or anything... So WHAT WAS THE FUCKING POINT OF THAT?

Anyways, now is for to being of hot tag for Hernandez who mealy-mouth shoves the Beer Munnies, and such, then tries to attack Matt Morgan with his shirt, promptng teh big man to flee. He fled so far, he's at the top of the ramp. Is he THAT racist that he don't want spic sweat on him? Meanwhile, Hernandez killshits Beer Money, and does a double team catapult into Alex Shelley to slam him down. Sliced Bread fails and Beer Money double irish whips, but Hernandez ambushes and springboard doubleclotheslines him.

Matt Morgan attempts to come back down, but is somehow scared away by Hernandez throwing his bandanna at him. He decides to chase him down, and now Robot Shelley and Chris Sabin double kick Roode's head, and Shelley prepares to attack Roode while Sabin kicks Storm off the apron, then suicide dives through onto Storm. Shelley hits a crossbody thing... and somehow Beer Money wins.

WINNAR: Beer Money

I say "somehow" because you should say Roode reversed the pin, but Roode basically did nothing but fall FURTHER back into the pin. He DID have a shoulder up, but Shelley was basically half on top of him. Although Shelley DID apparently have his shoulders down. Exactly how the referee judges this without even being able to see if Roode's shoulders are down... chalk that up to bad booking, I guess.

Backstage, Pope D'Angelo Dinero says he cannot trust Kenneth Anderson. After all, he IS the reason Pope is injured.

Random Commercial-area Thoughts: "MASTER" BATES JOKES ARE NOT FUNNY ANYMORE

Backstage, Kevin Nash is sitting somewhere waiting for Bischoff to kiss his ass to keep his job. When, where, why, how did this "storyline" thing come up from? Hulk Hogan wanders in, all like talking about how Scott Hall's fall is Kevin Nash's fault. Nash bitchsmacks him with the whole Nasty Boyz thing, but Hogan ignores it and says he can't help Kevin Nash now.

In the ring now is a VERY SERIOUS OMFG SRSLY Jay Lethal. He say he was overwhelmed a couple weeks ago when he made the mach between him and Ric Flair at Victory Road, and that feeling went away when he saw his brother being beatup by Ric Flair and such. He say it rips his heart out. So he's gonna rip Flair's heart out. Meanwhile, he's been thinking about his mother, who is a little ill. That means she gonna die. Sorries to the Lethal family. Jay plans on making her the proudest mother in the evar when he beats Ric Flair. And how tragic will it be if he utterly fails, or it gets a Dusty Finish?

He say his mother will always be right here in his heart standing next to him. Speaking of which, here comes Ric Flair to spit and stomp on him and his stupid hopes and stupid dreams for being stupid. The Taz says "You don't mess with a man's family and that's what Flair did here"

Speaking of family, FLair say he doesn't give a rat's ass about his mother, and that she's living vicariously through him, cos she wants Flair. OOOOOOO-OOO! He gon giddit! Flair says HE IS RIC BY GOD FLAIR and that his robe at Wrestlemania is at the Smithsonian Museum, and that place is for dead people or people who are famous, like Kim Kardashian. I call bullshit.

Ric Flair says he (himself) is crazy, and if a woman feels the caress of the Nature Boy, she is scathed for life, and he has an ex-wife going around every night going "Where is he?" because she's crazy, I guess. He say Jay Lethal don't belong in his world, much less this ring, so back upo, back up, abck UP. BACK UP! He's not a human, he's a GAD. His own word. He says any woman he wants, just like that. So in three days, he gotta wrestle ME, Ric Flair. So what Jay Lethal gonna do? Three days he gonna look his Gad in the eye and get his ass handed to him. GAD. GAD. YOUR GAD!

He leaves, saying the following things: "THree days. Three days. Gad. Gad. Three days. Gad. WOOOOO!"

So after commercials, we're moments away from the fight between two guys who can't wrestle, and I'm already exhausted. I hate you, too. RUNDOWN of TNA WICTORY ROAD 2010 LINEUP~! None of it looks appealing. Fuck Anderson's overly long smug assholey introduction of self.

Ken Anderson: Dickhead vs Jeff Hardy

They lock up,and push around while grappled, then Hardy arm wrenches, and brings Anderson down, keeping the armwrench on him. Irish whip but Hardy bumps Anderson's shoulder. Another run and Anderson tries to monkey toss him, but he gets caught and Anderson tries a DVD which fails. Kickout by Hardy when pin gets 2. Anderson picks him up only to get something'd... Jawbreaker, maybe. Anderson ends up in the turnbuckle corner and Hardy tries a floating dropkick thing on him which misses.

Anderson irish whips but reverses, but Hardy brings him down with a clothesline pin gets 2. Hardy knocks him into a corner and tries to bulldog but gets shoved into the other corner by Anderson, who tries something but gets bashed back on his face and pin gets 2. Generic taunt by Hardy gets some minor momentum boost, enough to try a Twist of Fate, but Dickhead breaks out and DVDs him, and pin gets 2. He then gets up on the top rope slowly, and does a KENTON BOMB which misses.

IT'S NOT A FUCKING SWANTON BOMB MIKE TENAY STUPID STUPIDHEADED STUPID! Anyway, Hardy arbitrarily wins, pinning him after his failure with a Twist of Fate.

WINNAR: Jeff Hardy

Hardy's all tap tapping Anderson's face and such, but OH NOESZ IT'S ABYSS MUSIC! I almost completely forgot he existed. He brings his board full of nails with him, and slowly enters the ring, while the faces stupidly stick around. He then points at them and goes YOOOOU, and the referee TAKES TEH FUCKING WEAPON AWAY.

WHY?
WHY? ITS'T NOT A FUCKING MATCH!

Using that, the faces attack him, only to get shitkicked, and Hardy chokeslammed by Abyss, and Anderson kicked in the nuts. Abyss retrieves his nailboard and whaps the turnbuckle with it after missing one of them, and it gets stuck. Rob Van Dam then comes out to beat on Abyss, but runs into his hand to get choke-tossed out of the ring through the second rope. Anderson gets the steel chair and whaps Abyss in the back with it, while Hardy lays in the turnbuckle. Rob Van Dam appears, snatches the chair, and hits a Van Daminator on him.

Rob Van Dam music hits and such. CAN RVD OVERCOME THAT ONE ON THREE NUMBERS GAME AND SUCH since apparently Hardy can trust Anderson. Anderson shakes RVD's hand, but DRAGS him close to smirk stupidly at him. Then Abyss sneaks up from behind the apron and appears to climb into the ring and it just ends. I know, right?

TNA YAY: Murder gunnaz doing fun stuff, including that video promo thing shitting on Beer Money.

TNA BOO: Main event was a load of shit.

TNA WTF: TEH DOUGLAS. What in the shit was he doing acting all crazy and smug and suspicious? But what really REALLY takes the apple cake is the referees doing... whatever. Doing whatever they want. Two guys brawl a bit outside the ring and both enter, not just before a 10 count but before even a fucking 3 count, and they BOTH get disqualified?

You've just been Halonic Death Ray'd, and like I say every week, if I'm not back within two or three weeks, consider me dead.

Feedback if you want: phenomynouss@hotmail.com

 
Andariel Halo is a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. She can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. She translates ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees. Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, Andy once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. Children trust her. She knows the exact location of every dairy item in the supermarket. She has performed covert operations for the CIA. She's in bed every day, but sleeps once a week, OH! The laws of physics do not apply to her. One time, she shot her friend in the back of the head with a BB gun, and placed all blame on him.

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TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).