TNA IMPACT
REPORT
(07/02/09)
by ANDARIEL HALO

See you all had to wreck my fun.  I seem to be starting all my recaps more and more pessimistically.  But I don't blame TNA!  I blame this false sense of obligation that I must recap every episode and deliver it on time!  I think I'm pushing it by not doing the recap until Friday, but now it's Saturday and here I start.

 

See, what I did was watch "Star Trek" the original series on Blu Ray, the episode "The Man Trap", and I watched several episodes of "Firefly".  My point being... TNA iMPACT!  I hate you.  You're horrible.  Why must you have great wrestling, and be written by semi-functional retards, and/or people who seem to be deliberately sabotaging their product?

So now I go and watch this here episode for recapping and reviewing for you.

VIDEO PROMO showing Samoa Joe's TNA-style joining of the Main Event Mafior.  Speaking of which, I order you to read this by WrestleZone contributer Mark Madden:

 

"TNA reached new levels of absurdity when Samoa Joe joined the Main Event Mafia out of the clear blue sky. No rhyme or reason, let alone foreshadowing. His character did a 180 without a moment’s notice.

 

SURPRISE! We really fooled you!

 

How can Joe and the MEM put aside animosity that’s been generated for months? How can Joe join the MEM so seamlessly after pulling a knife on Scott Steiner? After all that’s happened between him and Kurt Angle?

 

When did Joe’s character show any signs of devolving into somebody that could be bought, as Angle said during his interview on Impact? When did Joe’s character become someone that would just hand over the world title?

 

Steiner, Nash and Booker T allegedly allowed themselves to be taken out by Joe because that would convince Joe to join the MEM. Why would that impress Joe or convince him to join? Wouldn't being punching bags for Joe do the opposite? Who wants to join a gang composed of jobbers?

 

SURPRISE! We really fooled you!

 

Then, of course, the MEM turned on Sting. How many times has Sting been turned on during his career? He has to lead the league.

 

It was TNA’s attempt to recreate Ole Anderson throwing Sting out of the Four Horsemen at the same time as “associate member” Matt Morgan stepped up to replace Sting like Lex Luger replaced Ole back when. Angle should have berated Sting for going to his snot-nosed kid’s football games when he should have been taking care of MEM business.

 

I can see recreating great angles. But don’t combine them. Let each angle breathe a little bit.

 

Sting was made to look foolish, and not even for the first time this week. He put up his spot in the MEM when he wrestled Matt Morgan at Slammiversary. What did Morgan put up? Nothing. What kind of a bet is that? I’m going to Las Vegas this week. I hope Sting runs the sports book at the Flamingo."

 

Okay, so show starts now with the MEM's dinky-ass little Diddly-doo DEEDLEEE DEEDLEEE DEEDLEEE DEEDLEEE DEEDLEEE DEEDLEEE music, and the entire MEM comes in, lead by Kurt Attell.

 

Another question of TNA's logic: If all it took to become Godfather (HOOOOOOO train!) of the Main Event Mafia was to just say you were, and get all the guys to beat up the other guy, then why in the fuck didn't Sting just do that to Kurtle when all the other guys were behind Sting?  Maybe because he's the only Face in the faction or something.  That leads to the slipper-slope thing where that would mean ANY of the fucks would just killshit the leader and take their place, so long as they have the support of the other members.

 

And there you have an analogy in TNA with Ancient Rome, circa the Imperial era around the 2-4th centuries AD, where any random asshole who had the soldiers' love behind him could killshit the current emperor and become emperor himself, only to have the exact same thing happen to him years later.

 

Oh yeah, Mick Foley came out, and Kurtle starts talking shit on Mick Foley, questioning him OH GOD I can't handle this, this shit is just too fucking "I never watched wrestling before in my entire life"-style obvious and generic.  Typical "We're the best ever, you crossed the line (hehe, TNA), Bluh-dee-bluh vs Blah-dee-bluh, the boss says".

 

Mick Foley finally cuts to it and juts says "Leave me alone and let me wrestle you at Wictory Road" OH GOD YES!  MICK FOLEY, STOP DEFYING TNA-STYLE CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT.  Foley then tries to get his morbidly obese security guards to kill Angle or something.  Kurtle says "Scotty, beam us up" and Scott beats the shit out of the security guards with his metal pipe beam.

 

I hope there's not something wrong with this video.  The frame rate of this video I've got is 25 Frames Per Second.   For technical people, that's the same frame rate as movies and most TV dramas, whereas 30 FPS is how almost all wrestling shows, TV news, and sketch shows are in.

 

I missed some stuff, but Mick Foley gets kicked to shit by the MEM, until Jarrett comes out to ZOMFG SWERVE~! save Mick Foley.  Joe is mysteriously bleeding on the side of his head.  Jee whiz, did he even do anything in the ring?  Main Event Mafia engages "retreat mode", according to Mmike Tenay, and ZOMFG SWERVE~! Jeff Jarrett smashes his guitar on Mick Foley's head.  Then Jarrett just safely walks up the ramp and the MEM don't touch him.  Queers.

 

 

Random Thoughts: Fuck Groucho!

Back, and Mick Foley doesn't want help.

 

Now, "It's Mike Tenay, it's Don West at ringside,"  direct quote by Mike Tenay.  Good God, I fucking hate him.

 

Jay Bee is backstage with Jarrey in the lockerroom, where Mick Foley is being dragged away by security while screaming.  And that's it.  The fuck?  That was like a few seconds of nothing bullshit.  And Jay Bee didn't say shit.

 

Now, an interview with Kebin Nash by Mike Tenay, and HE SAYS WWF!  Kebong says Bitchoff offered him 1.5 million dollars for half the work schedule of the WWF, and how his business ethic changed from wrestling to money.  This would be tragic if only he could wrestle to begin with.  For some odd reason, he says AJ doesn't want to be Legends champion.  Why?  It wasn't explained.  He may not have even said it; I may have just heard it in my head.

Video package for Slammiversary.

 

 

Random Thoughts:

 

Boy this video package is fucking long, and just repeating the same generic instrumental bland rock thing over and over again.

Back, and Chris Abyss is looking for Stevie.  His search method involves lumbering around squealing "STEEVIEEE!" and throwing shit around.  Then he picks Lauren up and puts her against a desk backstage, in a position great for face-to-face rape.  But no, he loves her, and cares about her, but FAKE-ASS, POORLY WRITTEN WRESTLING STORYLINES ARE MORE IMPORTANT!  I mean, he says he's sick, as in mentally sick.  He tells her to stop telling him to stop being a woman, and he won't tell her to stop being a monster.  I think that's how it went.

Oh hey, it's CORY BEANER!

Cody "Teh" Deaner vs Amazing Red

 

Both commentators keep calling him 'The Deaner'.  TEH DEANER runs around, but Amazing Red dodges, ducks, dips, dives, and dodges around him.  Arm wrench... arm wrenching... wrenching... reversed by TEH DEANER into another arm wrench, then Red flippy-doos, and arm drags TEH DEANER a few times.  Now Red does a head scissors thing after some running around, and TEH DEANER leaves the ring, but Red gets a spinning flippy side press twist over the top onto TEH DEANER.

 

Rolled into the ring, the Deaner unfortunately does not stay down for the full three count necessitating an end to the match.  Then Red just kicks the fuckshit from his legs and guts, and goes for some kind of thing, but TEH DEANER gets a generic hard clothesline that flips Red over.  Pin on Red fails.  Failed to achieve a three slaps of the referee's hand on the mat.

 

On the turnbuckle now with TEH DEANER fakepunching Red.  I swear Tenay just said "Cody Beaner".  Racist.  TEH DEANER goes with a scoop slam, then a Five Knuckle Shuffle on him, pin and two.  Red does a weak-ass dorpkick on him after whipping him to the turnbuckle.  It was like he just tapped his feet on his chest one at a time.  He goes to the torp, but TEH DEANUR knorcks him down.  Then HEEEEE goes for the top tornbuckle, with his hat.  HAHA, he's got ducttape on his body instead of the white tape that wrestlers put on their wrists and such.  Red rolls away and TEH DEANER fails with his Benoit Alzheimer's, and Red does some kind of Ternader DDT fer the win.

WINNAR: Amazoring Red.

 

 

Video package for Booker T.  Sucka.  He can see something.  And he will become.  Nothing is specified there.

Backstage with Chris Abyss shoving stuff around and screaming "STEVIEE!"  Some security guys randomly appear who look absolutely nothing at all like developmental wrestlers with baseball bats threatening to kill him.  Oh wait, I lied with that last statement, but not about the baseball bats and security shirts.

 

Video package for Mick Foley.  Exact same format as Booker T's.  He will become.  Something.  It's not stated.

Backstage AGAIN with Jarry, and Kurtle is here to cause problems, even though he says there's not gonna be any problems.  OOH Controversy---Kurtle tells Joey to hold his title,a nd Joe holds it like it's his.  I forsee future turmoil.  But hey, that's far greater evidence than whatever happened before he turned to the mEM.  Bah-zing.  Kurtle offers to rule this business with his stroke and Jarrett actually ruling the business for real.

 

Jarrett is not amused.  Because he's smart enough to realize that HE owns the company, and Kurtle is an employee.  Oh wait, he says something kayfabey.  That's good, too.  Jarrett then says Kurt is gonna wrestle with Samoa Joe as his partner in a TAG MATCH.  And ZOMFG his title will be on the line!  His opponents gonna be AJ Styles and Jeff Jarrett.  He guarantees that his side will not win by saying that whoever pins Kurtle will be champion, whereas whoever wins on Kurt's side will guarantee Kurt's retention.  Booker T makes his best gorilla-sounding noises before Jarrett tells him to get out of here.  Racism, man.

 

 

Lauren now backstage with someone.  Who the hell is this?  She's got a clown dress, and says she's gonna wrestle Sharmell.  She says "it's all a show".  STOP SHOOTING, BITCH!  Oh, it's Jenna Survivor, Kevin's white girl.  Some random black woman appears to talk ugly at her and say Sharmell will be ready for her.  I need to watch TNA iMPACT more, I'm missing a whole lot of shit.

 

Random Thoughts: 1x4x9

 

Back again with MORE BACKSTAGE BULLSHIT!  With the MEMers AGAIN!  Credible midcard with focused storylines?  Who wants that?  Copypasta virtually any "We're the best thing ever" promo not by Ric Flair or Mick Foley or anyone good and you have Kurt's promo here.  Booker T gorilla hoots at Sharmell afterwards for some reason.  He finally says the first coherent words of the night at Jay Bee: "Mind your own business".

 

Showdime Eric Jung vs Gor-Gor (Fifty bucks to whoever gets that reference)

 

Rhino just runs into the ring to dominate Eric Young a bit, what with the punches and clotheslines and shoulderblocks and such.  Eric Young gets pinned, but survives.  Young takes control at some point, and goes for a pin after some lame-ass offense.  Holy shit, Jesse Neal got a horrible haircut that looks like his army bodies fucked with his hair after he got drunk and passed out at a party.

 

Young snapmares, then chinlocks.  SHADES OF RANDY ORTON!  Rhino gets up and punches him a bit, only to get slammed down by his hair.  In SvR09, this is called "Catfight Slam" or something.  Rhino gets put on the second rope while Young chokes with his leg, and does his Child-Smoker voice at Jesse, then slaps his dumb head and attacks him.  Young Eric comes in to continue the beat down on the war machine Rhino, with some punches and such.  Weak-ass, fake-ass punches, I mean.  Not that I'm complaining, just that it doesn't look credible on a guy as fat as him, when he's gotten pretty much just slammed once, snapmared, and punched the whole match.  He's supposed to be like a fucking Rhino!

 

Jesse Neal be's a retarded drunken fuck by distracting the referee to bitch and whine, while Rhino basically wins the match.  But Young attacks Rhino while he yells at Jewsse, and Young wins.

 

WINNAR: Eric Jung

 

 

Sharmell is with Lauren in the back.  BLUEPRINT OF FAILURE is on the phone complaining about a 24-hour gym that closes at 9pm.  She tells him that Kurt wants to see him.  He asks what, and she channels shades of Captain Spaulding, (The Devil's Rejects) by asking "Do I stutter?" only she misses the ", bitch?" part at the end.  He squeals and hugs her because he wants to be a MEMer instead of a failure.

Commercials, then back.  Booker T putting on a fake-ass gangsta negro accent.  Matt Morgan loves acronyms, and calls Kurtle "GF", because of Godfather.  Kurtle says no entry into MEM, until eh does a few more things.  Serving Sting on a silver platter, not yet dead, not fully eaten, was not good enough.  He needs him to cheat in the tag match against Smaoa th And AJ Styles Jarrett but not Joe because Joe.

 

Oh, he needs Morgan to kill DANIELS DANIELS, because he suspects DANIELS DANIELS will cheat.  That is smrt.  Booker T does some Negroid-Italian-sounding voice all like "Mbrhduh he dink hee eeiz boss?"

Video package for some female wrestler from AAA named "Sarita".

 

I've discovered that apparently every wrestlers' videos are all just random text on screen repeating over and over.  Failsauce.

 

 

The Beautiful People (dundundunDUUUNuh) vs Awesome Kong and Tara

Velvet Sky is very attractive.  The other two, I do not find as such.  So, in honor of Raisha Saeed... how about that Iran, huh?  Could it be any more obvious that Ahmadinejad just fucking stole the shit out of that election?  I think sometimes to myself he honestly can NOT be fucking stupid when he says things like "Iran is the safest country in the world", and yet what is he trying to lie/hide by saying shit like that?  Maybe make other people think he's insane or stupid?  That would certainly work.  Speaking of which, it was revealed recently that the late Saddam Hussein lied about having WMD's, and later kept up the illusion of having them (thus causing the Iraq War, supposedly) because he feared IRAN.  Hey, I'd fear Iran, too.

 

Watch now, as Velvet Sky squeals at Earl Hebner after being taken off of Tara for punching too much.  Tara does an upside-down MsChief style stretchy resthold, and some flippy-doo slams and such.  Don West seemingly insinuates that there is a fine line betwewen "Texting" and "Sexting".  I agree---one is one letter away from being the other.  Oh, me jokekiller, yay!

 

Awesome Kong comes in and throws Velvet Sky across the ring.  Aw snap, nigra!  Now Angelina love is in, and she can't do shit to Kong, while Kong just smacks and chops the bitch.  SNAPSAZ!  She chokes Love, and throws her into a turnbuckle, and does some fast fist-slams and punches.  Tara in now, and she does an arm wrench, and a failed irish whip that gets her kicked in the back by Velvet Sky.  Now Velvet Sky comes in to help kick Tara with Love while Kong stupidly keeps the referee looking away.

 

Don West says if they weren't wrestlers, the Beautiful People would be at Harvard Medical school, because Dr. House went there, and Dr. Becker.  Oh yeah, Sky tried to pin Tara but failed.  Then she tosses Tara across the ring, and tags in Love.  Love punches and they do a double-dorp spot where they both die.  Now they try to hot-tag, but now they just fucking ignore the rules, and Velvet Sky and Awesome Kong walk in and the referee doesn't do shit.  Kong basically killshits Velvet, and would have Rikishi'd her face with her ass, but Love distracted her.

 

Earl Hebner is just standing around watching as all four women get in the ring and fight, but now Angelina and Tara are outside while Kong busts Sky's implants.

WINNAR: Awesome Kung and Tarantula

 

Tara tore someone's hair out.  Probably her own.  Now she has a little black box with a tarantula in it, and puts it onto Velvet Sky.  I'd love to have a tarantula, but I'm afraid of it dying.  Yeah, seriously.  Dead insects gross me out, more so if they're arachnids and furry.

 

Random Thoughts: Taking the Lord's name in vain is apparently a bad thing.  But that's okay, because "Jesus Christ" is not the son of God's name---it's a Latin/Greek bastard-bitch abortion of language.  His true name was the oldy-style version of "Joshua, son of Joseph".

 

 

Fake commercials come back.  We are halfway through the broadcast and had two matches thus far.  Backstage with Angelina Love complkaining about Tarantula venom and 30,000 eyes looking at her.  Lauren plays that bitch by pretending she has a tarantula on her shoulder.

Video package for the Dudley 3D's.  They will become.  Something.

 

 

Beer Money come out, but not dressed for wrestling.  I often wonder if the beer drinken by Stone Cold, James Storm, and Sandman were real in the ring, and if they legitimately got buzzed or even drunk before/during/after matches.  Would that even be legal, them drinking in public in front of thousands/hundreds of people?

 

 

Team 3D vs Scott Steiner and Booker T

 

Match starts with all four of them angry-staring at each other.  Beer Money on commentary putting over Harlem Heat and the Steiner Brothers.  Tie up with Buh Buh Ray and Steiner, and Steiner slams him on turnbuckle.  Kicks to the gut.  Chorps.  Whip, reversed by Brother Ray Deadly, and he starts punchinhg at Steiner.  Pulls him up, irish whips him, but Steiner reverses into a T-bone suplex of some sort.  He goes for a clothesline but Brother Ray Deadly does a scoop slam, but then misses an elbow dorp, so Steiner knocks him down but misses his own elbow dorp.  Side slam by Buh Buh on Stein, but Steiner kicks out, and now Devon is in.

 

Punches on Steiner.  Tenay is angry that Don West is like a parrot, agreeing with everything Beer Money is saying but I haven't been reporting.  Shut up, you.    Booker T gets in, and now it's black on black violence.  Punches up on the turnbuckle, and Book erT kicks on him a bit.  Dorps him in the corner with a kick.  Kicks him in the face now.  Steiner gets tagged in, and now he's kicking at Devon while Booker holds onto him with his legs.  Steiner whips Devon then gets a belly to belly suplex on him.  Referee counted like four or something, but Devon kicked out.  Booker T in and he kicks Devon.

 

Failed irish whip leads to Devon clotheslining Booker T, then gets up to tag in Brother Ray Deadly who is all hot-taggy and beats up on Booker T.  SPEAKING of arbitrary tangents!  The "Hot Tag" feature of SvR09 is a clusterupfuckery that pretty much ends a match.  It allows a superstar to get an instant special, punch the guy on the apron hard enough as a special, and then do a special on the other superstar for the win.  End game.

 

Oh yeah, Buh Buh got a bomb on Bookger T, then Sheik Abdul Jabbar and Yoshimitsu randomly appeared to beat the shit out of Beer Money at ringside.  The Dudley Boyees got a Team 3D on Booker, but Sharmell distracted referee too long.  Steiner gets scoop slammed, and Devon does his wazzup thing.  Wow, they still do that?  Not even the move, but the other thing, too.  Now they motion to get some tables, to disqualify themselves from the title match with Beer Money.

 

UH OHS!  TEH DOUG and Robert Terry come to attack Devon and the Referee, and British Mangus kills Buh Buh with the briefcase and allows Booker to crawl over him and win.

 

WINNAR: The team with one white guy and one black guy

 

BACKSTAGE now with Lauren and AJ Sty--- on second thought, no.  Commercials.  Haha.

 

Back from commercials with Jethro Tull in the ring for some reason.  He will not be facing Black Macho Man Jay Savage, because he's being beaten up backstage by Chris Abyss.  Lethal Consequences attacks Chris Abyss, but he gets smacked with a metal gate door, and Chris Abyss screams "STEEVIEEEE!" and it reminds me of that imaginary friend Ivan from that episode of "Foster's Home for Imaginary Friends" who lost his friend and would look for him by running around screaming "NOOOO STEEEVIEEEEEE!! STEEEVIEEEEE!"

 

Chris Abyss randomly appears in the ring and Black Hole Slames Jethru Holiday.  Be thankful smarks; here's an ex-WWE guy NOT being pushed to the moon.  Chris Abyss gets a microphone, and does what I said above, only adds a cliche' of "come out cvome out wherever you are"  Then he pulls the camera in and says he doesn't need Stevie anymore.  No more therapy.  This completely contradicts his whole "I'M A MONSTER" speech with Lauren earlier today.  Remember when Chris Abyss wore Mankind-brown and didn't speak?

 

 

UH OH!  BAckstage night vision video with Dr Stevie ripping off Raven, and having kidnapped Lauren.  This is all so generic.  Stevie: "I'm not a monster!  I just committed a federal offense of kidnapping, and threatening to commit heinous acts on her!  I also don't have medical malpractice insurance, so I kick the shit out of you so you won't sue me".   Chris Abyss: "BLAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH~!"

 

Stevie owns Chris Abyss, and orders him into therapy session next week.  He's gonna keep Lauren in the meantime, presumably to be gangraped by the whole gang of Raven and Daffney and such.  They should call themselves the New Age Trench Coat Mafia.  Or something Russo-fied, like "My Crazy Sex Pie" or "Head Jobs".

Video package for Samoan Yusuf, who will also become.

 

 

For some reason, another 2 minutes or so is wasted on a pointless music video promoting Wictory Road.  Then Jeff Jarrett comes out with another guitar.  Mike Tenay calls Samoa Joe a traitor despite the TNA Frontline being dead for months.

 

Jeff Jarrett and AJ Smiles vs Samoan Yusuf and Kurt Angel

 

They get a whole Jay Bee professional "We're not a joke, wink wink" in-ring introduction for everyone, along with the "Guaranteed Kurt Angle Victory" stipulations explanation.  AJ Styles weighed in "this morning" at 215 pounds.  What about now?  What if he's 220 now?  What if he's "400" pounds, like Hardcore Holly?  Jeff Jarrett didn't "weigh in this morning"---he's introduced AS 230 pounds.  Right then and there announcement.

 

Enough timewasting.  Match.

 

It starts with Jeff Jarrett and Kurt Angle, tying up and headlock by Jarrett.  Generic shoulderblocks and attempted monkey flips, failed, armwrench, attempted finishers by Jarrett, then Angle, both fail.  Silly bastards!  The match just started!  For some reason, this boring intro exchange gets people chanting TNA.  Angle rocks Jarrett with a european uppercut.  Jeff Jarrett goes for something, then clothesline Angle as he's charging at him.  Then all of a sudden the lights go out, someone's music plays, and ZOMFG IT'S HERNANDEZ CASHING IN HIS TNA WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT MONEY IN THE BANK SUITCASE!  He pins Angle and loses.  Haha.

 

Back to the real match, AJ and Joe got tagged in and they fight.  Joe did a "fatboy" legsweep, where he basically throws himself to the floor and kicks at AJ's legs.  Joe punching him and stuff.  Joe gets dorpkicked by Styles, then Angle just randomly comes in without tagging.  I don't think the referees even care anymore.  Now Jarrett is in for no reason.  They double team Joe while Angle gets thrown out.

 

BACK FROM COMMERCIALS and all of a sudden Angle and Joe are doubleteaming AJ.  If I saw some commercials, that would not be disorienting at all.  It ended apparently as Joe caught AJ from an attempted turnbuckle rush in a Rock Bottom, and Angle got a belly to belly suplay on AJ.  Now Angle punching on AJ.  AJ punchies him.  Angle down.

 

Joe smashes Jarrett off the apron so that Angle can tag in, while AJ is all weak n shit.  Joe starts obesing it up with Nash-style offense.  Irish whip and Styles gets a weak-ass elbow on him, then does his moonsault-into-inverted DDT, but Angle runs in, and Angle gets caught and both are DDT'd by AJ Style.

 

Jarrett climbs up the ropes, but AJ gets caught in a Cock-in-a-clutch, but he escapes, then a ZOMFG PELE~!!!11 on Joe.  Jarrett tagged in, while Angle looks all dorky and gets dominated.  ZOMFG PEDIGREE on Angle by Jarrett.  Triple H of TNA?  Joe kicks Jarrett off.  Jarrett reverses Angle Slam, but Joe kicks him out of a pin.  Jarrett puts Angle on the top turnbuckle, only for Joe to wander in and grab him into a musclebuster, but Jarrett escapes, and AJ does a flying forearm that catches Joe and referee Slippery Penis.

 

Jarrett back up and does a "stroke" on Angle from the top rope.  It was a weak-ass sort of bulldog thing.  Audience counts to ten despite Jarrett only getting a 9 count on Angle in a pin.  He brings his guitar in stupidly, while referee Slippery Penis grabs it and they fight, only for Angle to grab and get a Shamrock Ankle Lock (according to WWF Wrestlemania 2000) on him.

 

Joe is wandering around outside of the ring for some reason, and it's now seen as he pulls Styles off the apron before Jarrett can tag him.  Now a figure four-style ankle lock on Jarrett.  Jarrett can't bear to tap out, so he pretends to pass out and Slippery Penis does the three-arm-dorp on the mat and declares Angel the winnar.

WINNAR: Kirk Angel and Joseph of Samoa

 

 

The rest of the MEMmers come in to celebrate something.  AJ comes in with his title belt to attack thema ll.  They all just leave while he hits no one.  Don West be's awesome, then Samoa Joe rushes in and takes down Styles.  Now the Mafior comes back in to killshit the both of them.  Belly to belly from Steiner on Styles.  Random backstage shot of Marr Moorgan killshitting DANIELS DANIELS.  Kebong Nash apparently has no finisher, as he just tries to use the Legends belt to killshit AJ.  People chant "We Want Sting", and so they get Sting.  He comes in in purple with a bat.  Literally no one does anything.  Kurt doesn't even notice as his back is to him, and no one says or does anything.  Sting proceeds to kill them with his bat.

 

Don West says "Kurt's smart enough to get out of that ring", whilst everyone but the two beat-up guys left.  So what the hell?  Show over.

 

Stuff that was Good: I can't really think of anything.  I'm a pessimist and a misanthrope.  So, fuck you.

 

Stuff that was Bad: I do not give a shit about Chris Abyss and Doctor Stevie.  This whole thing screams "We've done this before several times, and we did not even wait a few years before recycling it".  Actually, I think this is also the exact same shit done with Chris Abyss and James Mitchell and Judas Priest Messias, only with a blonde girl thrown in to make it seem newer.  Also, the MEM pretty much dominate all the story-parts of the show.

 

Stuff that was Creatively Questionable: TEH DEANER.  We need some more and better knockouts.  I swear it seems now as though the only knockouts they have are Awesome Kong, the Horrible People, Taylor Wilde, and Tara.

 

 

Jibbering and jibbery-joo: James Swift CONTINUES TO IGNORE ME.  Anthony Dean is a liar and a traitor and steals jokes.  Neil Cathan wishes he was me.  Catherine Perez was apparently scared away by my dominating female epicness.  Shane Steele committed career suicide because he wants me hard.  I'm awesome in all ways.  Etcetera.

Anyone want any shoutouts?  Too bad.  Get a job.

 

 

You've just been Halonic Death Ray'd, and like I say every week, if I'm not back within two or three weeks, consider me dead.

 

Feedback if you want: phenomynouss@hotmail.com

Andariel Halo is a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. She can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. She translates ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees. Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, Andy once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. Children trust her. She knows the exact location of every dairy item in the supermarket. She has performed covert operations for the CIA. She's in bed every day, but sleeps once a week, OH! The laws of physics do not apply to her. One time, she shot her friend in the back of the head with a BB gun, and placed all blame on him.