Home | Columns & Rants | Satire | Entertainment | Media | Archives | Forum



A fresh dose of failure and we return to TNA iMPACT~! If you're missing out on last week's recap, know that I did do it on time like I usually did... then I had an iMPACT! flashback of some sort and did not send it, then went off to real world things so that when I returned, it was unsent and it was Sunday. This is indeed remarkable; ME with REAL WORLD things to do!

Thus, sorries abound and I will be doing this recap as if my last week's one were on time, because honestly I don't remember what I said, so that will ensure that I do not re-use jokes obliviously.

So this week's episode opens with video recap of Abyss's Nookie Monster rampage, and last week's Hulk Hogan no-selling Abyss's awesome.

Speaking of which, here be Abyss on the ramp chucking steel chairs into the ring. Then he goes down to the side to stalk So Cal Val, undoubtedly drawn in by her sweet sweet scent. Then he scares off a bunch of kids sitting in the front and jacks their seats to toss into the ring. He then goes back to his rapist rampage, and So Cal Val so kindly takes a dive so he can stand over her and go "YOOOOOOOOOOU!!!"

This prompts Hulk Hogan music, and him walking down at a steady pace, because hey, it's not like some kind of monster is standing over a woman in rape-mode. Hogan gets in the ring and invites Abyss in, because hey, it's not like he's a wicked monster of some sort.

Completely opposite of Hogan's, Eric Bischoff runs down, and... tries to stop Hogan. I always figured he'd be one for LIVE TELEVISED RAPE. It'd sure as hell do something for those 3-week straight 1.0 ratings. Instead, security comes in to put their hands on Hogan and Abyss. Bischoff stands before Abyss then says "You.... ungrateful son of a bitch!" and smacks him. I think this was supposed to be some kind of SWERVE moment, but, like many things in TNA, came off confused, incoherent, and an abject failure.

So Abyss attacks Hogan and Bischoff and security, and Jeff Hardy runs on down to Twist of Fate Abyss, and chuck chairs at him. Kenton Bomb and then they all leave up the ramp with Abyss in the ring all yelling pants at them.

Who fucking wrote this shit? This isn't TNA, this is something actually COMPELLING and ENTERTAINING and CONTINUOUS TO CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT!

Speaking of all that shit, Abyss wanders up to the commentator's table and points at The Taz going "YOOOOOOU!"

Random Commercial-area Thoughts: YOOOOOOU!!!

During the commercial break, Abyss started breaking shit backstage, and beating up security. Somewhere backstage, Bischoff sports a spiffy new slicked-back hairstyle complaining to Hogan about Abyss, and saying he got to go. So fire him. Instead of doing the logical thing, they try to get shrinky-dink Jeff Hardy against the big fat fucking rapist Abyss to take him out.

Speaking of total nonstop action, which is nothing TNA knows, here's a match already! Jesus Fuck!

Ink Ink vs Motor City Machine Guns

So it starts with Shannon Moore and Alex Shelley, who once mentioned he wanted to be a robot when he grew up. Shannon starts with boring arm wrenches and Robot Shelley flips about and such, then bops Shannon in the gut with his shoulder, but Shannon keeps on him then gets tossed away but flips over Shelley, smacks him down, and dodges something to get an arm drag into an armbar.

Jesse Neal randomly gets in for double team antics, including Moore monkeyflipping Neal onto Shelley. Pin gets 2. Neal armwrenches Shelley, then tags in Shannon Moore to sunsetflip onto Alex SHelley for a pin gets 2. A move of some sort like a bulldog thing fails on Shelley and Moore tosses him out of the ring, followed by Chris Sabin who wandered in for no reason, so Shannon Moore jumps outside the ring to attack them.

Speaking of which, Brother Devon appears at the commentator's table, just here to make sure his brother doesn't come out to interfere. In the ring the Motor guns do their high-speed double team shenanigans on Shannon Moore, then Shelley or Sabin dropkicks Neal off the apron and pose. Sabin pins gets 2. Shelley leans against the ropes to put his boots in the ring and Sabin irish whips Shannon into them. Nevertheless, he gains control over Shelley with an arm wrench, but Shelley reverses it and tags in Sabin to hop over him and bash Shannon's back.

Some move by Sabin and pins gets 2. Irish whip and Shannon stops it on the ropes, and springboard moonsaults onto Sabin OH GOD SO FUCKING EXCITRING. Jesse Neal gets tagged in HOT TAG to beat up on a tagged-in Shelley and Sabin now all firing it up and bouncing around like a little tattooed monkey. He then spears Shelley and pin gets 2 as Sabin spears him but not with his head with his penis. Sabin tosses Shannon out the ring and Nealius starts beating on them alone.

Nealius tries to do stuff on Chris, but Devon said HOLD ON and runs like a gangsta, because here be Bruther Ray to be a fat bitch. Meanwhile, the Gunnaz catch Jesse Neal in a high angle double team turnbuckle thing. It was like, Chris standing with Neal on the turnbuckle, and Shelley jumps up to do an Asai DDT on him with Sabin bringing him down for a big crashdown and pinwin.

WINNAR: Murder City Machine Guns

Thoughts: "Team 3Dville"... that sounds like warm milk poured on a dirty roof gutter on a hot wet summer day. Disgusting and horrific. Bad Taz, bad.

Now out comes Eric Bischoff who hates to interrupt, but Hulk Hogan made the main event tonight the Nookie Monster Abyss vs Jeff Hardy, with Rob Van Dam as referee. Make your own drug jokes, because I'm not good at them.

Speaking of jokes, here be Dixie Carter entering! After a commercial break, INVISIBLE INTERVIEW MAN asks her what she's doing here. SHe gives him the appropriate response; none at all. That fucking faggot sucks a dick. I could kick his ass even if I couldn't hear him, the fuckermother.

Speaking of asses, here by AJ Styles with Ric Flair and Kazariot behind him for no real reason. WTF tonight?! You call this TNA?! This is some kind of wrestling company TNA isn't.

AJ Styles vs Samoa Joe

Samoa Joe tosses his wet towel at Ric Flair in anger, just after The Taz conjectured that Joeseph could join FOURTUNE if he impressed Ric Flair. Anyway, here be a match. They circle around each other and such, and lock up. Joe gets pushed into a corner, but pushes back into the opposite corner, but gets reversed and AJ chops him up which Joe NOSELLS and slaps him, and AJ falls out of the ring to bitch with Kaz. AJ lunges in only to get backed into a corner by Joe for some E. Honda strikes and kicks.

He then irish whips into the opposite corner and buttslams him, then flippy kick to his head. Standing AJ up, Joe chops him so hard, AJ falls on his ass. Joe now grabs him and snapmares, and chops his back, and kicks his front, then running knee drops his chest. Joe bops him in the head with an elbow then runs back. AJ tries a leapfrog, and Joe just slaps his face off when he comes back around. But AJ recovers his face, and high angle dropkicks Joe down. Now stompies and such, and chokies of Joe on the rope.

AJ punches up on Joe in the corner, then picks him up for a front slam thing, then some stomping, with Joe slowly rising. He punches Joe in the face, then bops him int he gut with his shoulder, and pulls him off to put him in a suplex position, which Joe fats-up by being fat, and reverses into a front suplex on AJ. As he approaches AJ, AJ dropkicks his foot out from under Joe. Then he picks him up and snapmare, and chinlocks~! AJ then yells at us to shut up with the chinlock, but since bluh bluh dee bluh, Joe gets up and bashes his chest with his elbow, but AJ unlocks so as to punch him up.

Irish whip by AJ gets reversed into a punch to the head, then he clotheslines AJ twice, and irish whips him into the corner, which AJ springboards off, only for Joe to catch and nutshot him with the knee, and get him in another move and senton rollup thing, as Mike Tenay calls it, but for all I know it could have been a schoolboy.

AJ put on the turnbuckle and smacked back, and oh noesz put in a Musclebuster position but AJ flips out, and catches one of Joe's low kicks, and Dragon Screws him, then holds his leg and goes for a FiggerFour, buT OH NOESZ He snatches AJ into a Cock-in-a-Clutch and AJ tap tap taps out.

WINNAR: Samoan Joseph

Does this mean that AJ Fucking Styles doesn't get into "Fortune" now? Ric Flair gets in to complain at AJ and Kaz just walks around all smug-like. He's playing the classic role of the "You're Not Helping" guy, stirring big-time anger in AJ Styles, who snarls all "YOU THINK THIS IS FUNNY?!" while Ric and Kaz leave, but AJ gets the microphone all "You think this is funny? Huh, KAZARIAN?! You know what's funny? I would beat you in this ring. I'd beat you like a little girl. A crying little girl"

No, that's not funny AJ, but hey, I'm not funny either. I only pretend I am. AJ says how about next week they mix it up, and Ric Flair decides to play the Rip Torn father figure in that movie I never watched with him playing a father who encouraged competition in his children then shits on the loser.

Random Commercial-area Thoughts: WOW they already came out with Avatar 2: The Last Hairbender!

Backstage, Dixie Carter is sitting with Hulk Hogan and Eric Bischoff at a table talking about Sting. Bischoff complains that Sting has become DANGEROUS and OUT OF CONTROL. This coming from the guy who fired Bobby Lashley and Mick Foley for no reason other than "they annoy me"? YAY CONTINUITY!

Speaking of annoying, Kevin Nash randomly wanders in all like HEYY and Hulk's like please leave, we're busy. So he leaves. And that's it. They go right back to talking about Sting. Bischoff talks about Sting assaulting people constantly. Pink slip... pink slip... He says what Sting did was BORDERLINE CRIMINAL! WHY does no one bring up the idea of FIRING HIM?! He ain't been doing much anything recently.


Okay, I'm sorry. I apologize to Bischoff. Dixie Carter asks what they should do, and the very first thing Bischoff says is "Fire him". Hogan says she needs to fix this and such. Carter says she will do something about it tonight, and needs to do it alone.

Meanwhile, in the ring, FAILURE!

Desmond Wolfe w/ Jobber Non-entrance vs Brian Kendrick w/ Still unfitting Music

Fail attacks first on The Kendrick, doing what I assume are throat chops on Brian, but he reverses and punches him up against the turnbuckle, then kicks his back down. Then reaches around him, but Desmond shoves him off, only to get side-dropkicked on the back, and then puts Desmond in a half-nelson type thing. MEANWHILE, TEH DOUGLASS goes to join commentary. Desmond Wolfe gains control of THe Brian Kendrick and trips him out of the ring. Then he screams at Chelsea while beating up on Kendrick. He beats up Brian Kendrick a bit, then goes back to yelling at Chelsea.

This is another reason I call him a failure; STOPPING the match just to YELL AT CHELSEA FOR NO REASON has cost him at least ONE match, but potentially two. AND YET HE STILL DOES IT! He gives his opponent time to recover while he ruins his mood by yelling at Chelsea.

Speaking of other stuff, for teh lulz and World Cup references, someone holds out a German flag in front of Desmond. He ignoresi t, and keeps beating up on The Brian Kendrick. TEH DOUGLAS mocks him for thinking he's a submission expert because he's watched "The Ultimate Fighter". I have to agree; where did this submission expertise come from? ROH, Independent runs? Noncanon, all!

In the ring, The Brian Kendrick gets some stuff on Desmond, but he reverses into a leglock of his arm, and Chelsea wanders up the ramp, so DESMOND CAN BE DISTRACTED and break the hold. She leaves, and he stares, then goes back to Kendrick, who catches him in a Cobra Clutch-style submission on him, rolling around on the ring, and yet another Failure for the man I call Desmond Fail.

WINNAR: The Brian Kendrick

The Doug mocks that Kendrick has only one hold, not enough to beat him at TNA Wictory Road. Speaking of which, this coming Victory Road marks the one-year anniversary of THIS!

Meanwhile, back in Tuesday in Yonkers, NY, INVISIBLE INTERVIEW MAN harrasses Tommy Dreamer, asking what he's doing in TNA. Tommy says this is his personal time, so please leave. INVISIBLE INTERVIEW MAN ignores him, so gets the camera pushed away lightly.

VIDEO RECAP for His Holy Darkness Pope Blackadictus I D'Angelo Dinero. Then he comes out live in the ring to cleanse the stench of failure from the ring with his divine win. People chant "HA-LLE-LU-JAH!" for him. His Holy Darkness thanks us and is in tears. Moments like this make him realize that when he comes out here and busts his butt in the ring, it's worth every minute. And he couldn'a done it without Mamma Pope, Brother and Sister Pope, Dixie Pope, Eric Pope, Hulkster Pope, You Pope, Him Pope, etcetera Pope, the whole congregation!


Yes. It is.

His Holy Darkness says he is at 80% and he still has the Charge, the Responsibility, to still be the POPE of this Congregation. And while he's only 80% he will make this real clear: Anderson Anderson, he hasn't forgotten about him. Even though he's a Face now, he figures he has pulled the wool over everyone's eyes with his lying deceptive ways etcetera, he will introduce him to one man, four syllables; Suicidey.

HOW IS IT THAT HE IS STILL IN THE TOP 10, POPE?! He's in to win. At 80%, he's still kickin on all eight cylinders, cos he's the Cadillac of pro wrestling. So on to this ranking, Pope is here to stake his claim; he's not backing out of this thing. He wants to earn his way, get back to the number one position and rightfully take on the TNA World Heavyweight champion in TNA, rather than the curtain jerker match for WWE Superstars, so everyone can know Pope is here.

Speaking of here, here be Kurt Angle. WHAT WILL HAPPEN WHEN A HOT TALENTED NEW FORCE COLLIDES WITH A SLIGHTLY PAST HIS PRIME UNSTOPPABLE FORCE WITH BACKSTAGE FAVOR FOR BEING EX-WWE?! Kurt says he sees the future of TNA in Pope, and the future is very bright, but HE TOO is trying to climb the rankings, and unfortunately their paths have crossed in the rankings.

SO AT TNA VICTORY ROAD it will be His Holy Darkness versus the Olympic Champion. Kurt Angle says he has everything to lose, because his first loss could be his last match, whereas the Pope has nothing to lose. So he wants to shake Pope's hand and say may the best man win. Happy dappy cheers and fans cheering. Kurt says one more thing... "I MUST BREAK YOU"

No, he said "I MUST BE VICTORIOUS", but I like my version better, for the sake of nostalgia and stupidity.

Random Commercial-area Thoughts: You wanna be the man? You gotta steal the man's ID and social security number.

Video recap of the feud between Ric Flair and his butt-taking minions against Jay Lethal and his blackness. Is it kind of sad that I can't even remember who Ric Flair was feuding with before Jay Lethal, and that the only reason he started this feud on Jay Lethal is because Lethal imitated Ric Flair in the ring once?

Jay Lethal then comes out to the ring all sadfaced, and talks about how they beat up on his brother, and so he's not leaving this ring until Ric Flair or AJ Styles comes out and tries to beat him up. Instead comes the DNA OF TNA, THE LOCKERROOM SPERM BUCKET, THE BLUEPRINT OF FAILURE MATT MORGAN!

Morgan says he has to apologize for interrupting Jay Lethal, but... NAH HE'S NOT SORRY, PSYCHE BITCH HAH! Two weeks ago Ric Flair talked about forming FORTUNE and much to the surprise of nobody, Morgan was the very first person Ric Flair asked to join. ... Whowhatwherewhenwhyhow? He says he applauds Ric Flair's wisdom for coming to him, but he hasn't made up his mind on what he's gonna do just yet. There was ONE thing that he and Ric Flair could agree on... and he smashes the microphone on Jay Lethal's face.

Jay Lethal w/ Sadface vs Matt Morgan

Morgan throws down Lethal and grabs the microphone to finish his sentence... "that is, kicking your ass!" and punches him up. Then he runs at him and splashes him int he corner, and picks him up for a sideslam on the rebound thing. Morgan stretches Lethal on the ropes some, including a lazy-ass Surfboard Stretch using the ropes to keep Lethal propped up. But Lethal soon gains the advantage and punches him uip, then runs at him only to get caught in Morgan's Fallaway Slam.

Morgan picks up Lethal and knocks him back down, then starts putting his boot on Lethal for some failpins, then just steps on him all Great Khali-type. He then grabs Lethal as he gets up and pushes him against the turnbuckle. He snarks at the referee, and goes back to pressing Lethal against the top rope, then runs to slowly do his bouncing on them and sliding out of the ring move which ends with that posing for the camera and audience.

Morgan then stands back and waits for Lethal to get up to do his Carbonite Footprint but Lethal moves and Morgan ends up Carboniting his penis on the rope. Lethal kicks him up and chops him up, but Morgna then grabs him in a chockslam, but ENZUIGIRI on Morgan by Lethal, then he tackles him down, bounces off the rope and tremendous dropkicks him down. Jay Lethal then goes for the apron and springboard jumps at him.

No idea what shitty move he was trynig, because he just jumps into Morgan's hand to get chokeslammed out of the ring, when OH NOESZ Hernandez comes out to nutshot Morgan while the referee is eating shit with lethal. Lethal then goes right back to springboard dropkick Morgnan and pinwin.

WINNAR: Jay Lethal

So I guess there ain't gonna be anyone in "Fortune"?

Backstage, Abyss is talking to himself and hammering nails into a block of wood. I couldn't really understand what he was saying, but I'm sure it's something that will make you less of a person for missing out on.

Random Commercial-area Thoughts: YOOOOUU!!!!

Taylor Wilde w/ Jobber non-entrance vs Madison Rayne

... The fuck you think.

WINNAR: Madison Rayne

I know it's not in my style to skip squash matches involving females, but this time around... I'm tired. I'm on my period. I have a headache. I don't like you. Pick one of those excuses.

Angelina Love ambushes Madison after the match an dtries to DDT her onto a steel chair, but Madison Rayne escapes. She then sets up the chair and sits in it.

Backstage... someone is beating on someone. They said Taylor Wilde and Sarita. They were supposed to be paaartnuuuurs!!!~!!!111!@223!!1 But now Sarita is going all HEELTURN and beating up on Taylor Wilde in a backstage hallway. Sarita's all like "YOU DON'T GIVE A FUCK ABOUT ME?!" and keeps beating on her, including throwing her into a random chainlink fence. Security then pickks up TAYLOR WILDE because clearly SHE was suffering from too much bitch and Sarita just comes up and CAVES HER FUCKING HEAD IN with a big fucking punch. Not really, but it sounded nasty as hell, so much so that even the commentators remark on it.

TNA WICTORY ROAD RUNDOWN, with Kurt Angle still labeled as #10, even though he's supposed to be #9 or something.

Backstage, Dixie Carter finds Sting somewhere backstage. She says she's been looking for him. He's all like FINALLY tell me you can SEE NOW and you UNDERSTAND what is going on here! and such. Dixie Carter says they made it clear to her that he's become a CANCER in TNA, and they can't afford chemotherapy, so... she suspends him for 30 days without pay.

Sting shrieks that she doesn't get it, and this isn't about money. He then says she's been conned. STOP SHOOTING, STEVE~!!!11 HE'S BEEN SAYING IT ALL ALONG, ~! So just as he's about to explain it, ERIC BISCHOFF comes in to have security escort him away. CONSPIRACY~! ERIC BISCHOFF TRYING TO SILENCE STING~!!!!

The only controversy here is that Dixie was too much of a bitch to outright FIRE Sting. Eric Bischoff says she needs a bodyguard 24/7 cos he's not going away that easily.

Abyss vs Jeff Hardy

Unsurprisingly, shit is threatened to be started with RVD and Abyss, and Abyss drops the nailboard as Hardy attacks him from behind and backs him into a corner for punches, only for Abyss to toss him away. Irish whip reversed but Hardy still kicks Abyss and clotheslines him out the ring. He then slingshot crossbodies onto Abyss on the outside, and OH NOES nailboard! He tries to grab it but Rob Van Dam, ROB FUCKING VAN FUCKING DAM IMMEDIATELY rushes out and snatches it away. FUCKING ROB VAN DAM is more competent a referee than every other TNA referee??

Anyway, Abyss t'ows down Hardy's face in the steel steps, then throws him back in the ring and goes in after him. Abyss then irish whips Hardy into the turnbuckle and he hits it and collapses. Abyss grabs Hardy but Hardy punches up, thenr uns but gets sideslammed down and pin gets 2.

Abyss gets a steel chair to use. And out of BUTTFUCK NOWHERE The Taz mentions Rhino, Stevie Richards, ECW guys, etcetera, and that they are here tonight or something. I KNOW I am not crazy in saying they have not been mentioned at all previously, nor have they appeared on camera at all tonight. THIS IS WHAT TNA SPENDS ITS MONEY ON?! IT'S FUCKING GENIUS! NOW I WANT TO GO AND GIVE MONEY TO TNA TO SEE MOAR~!

Anyway, Abyss gets the chair taken away by Van Dam, obviously, and Hardy beats on Abysss a bit in the dominant way, and Whisper in the Wind from the top rope but pin gets 2. Abyss then runs and does a big-ass jumping splash on Jeff Hardy but pin gets 2. Abyss then lifts Hardy for a SHOCK TREATMENT but gets Twist of Fate-ed by a reversing Hardy, who then gets to the top rope for the MOVE MADE FAMOUS BY KEN ANDERSON, RIGHT? but Abyss brings Harvey's nuts down on the turnbuckle and climbs up it to grab Hardy and try to chokeslam him but HARDY FIGHTS BACK and elbows him off the turnbuckle.

Now time for that aforementioned move, the KENTON BOMB~! Pinwin.

WINNAR: Jeff Hardy

Abyss decides to beat on Hardy, so Rob Van Dam COMPETENTLY stops Abyss, and Abyss Black Hole Slams him... but he DOES stop beating on Hardy...

Long enough for him to fetch that nailboard thing. Then Mister Anderson comes out to smack Abyss's nailboard away with a steel chair. Then he tries to hit Abyss but OH NOESZ Abyss moves and he ends up hitting Hardy, and Rob Van Dam catches him! SHENANIGANS! OH NOESZ~! Abyss SHOCK TREATMENT's Anderson Anderson.

TNA YAY: A bunch of matches all quickly appearing in quick succession without bullshitty endings AND a competent Rob Van Dam referee? Shenanigans!

TNA BOO: Rob Van Dam is the only competent referee TNA has?

TNA WTF: I feel like there was a bunch of stupid shit that just passed me by because I'm so inoculated to it by now. So let's just say there was stupid stuff.

You've just been Halonic Death Ray'd, and like I say every week, if I'm not back within two or three weeks, consider me dead.

Feedback if you want: phenomynouss@hotmail.com

Andariel Halo is a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. She can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. She translates ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees. Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, Andy once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. Children trust her. She knows the exact location of every dairy item in the supermarket. She has performed covert operations for the CIA. She's in bed every day, but sleeps once a week, OH! The laws of physics do not apply to her. One time, she shot her friend in the back of the head with a BB gun, and placed all blame on him.


Bookmark and Share


November 2006


by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).