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TNA IMPACT
REPORT
(06/24/10)
by ANDARIEL HALO

In the interest of time, I'm not goign to have any more random commercial-area thoughts, for this week. The reason is that aside from my spending some half an hour just trying to put together my thoughts on what I just saw, and come up with a shitty shitty joke, or pausing for eight minutes to find a youtube video to fill in the bullshit, I just don't think enough to have a thought with every commercial break. Sometimes I just sit there, stare at the TV, and think "Boy I fucking hate commercials" or "I hate music that is used in commercials, and when I hear it used in movies or on American Idol, I think 'Way to suck ass by using commercial music'"

Is it fair? Fuck you, of course it is.

Speaking of fuck you, we have a video recap of the referee bullshit bullshit last week leading to Chris Abyss's arbitrary heel-turn beginning. No wait, that's not fair; spending a whole month with Chelsea as a sex slave is bound to make any man feel sinister. Why settle for just Chelsea when you can shit-kick half the lockerroom and take their girlfriends and/or wives and daughters as your sexual servants?

At least, that's the kind of thinking that I would have if I were as big and fat and powerful as Abyss. Living up to that "The Monster" name, in the most realistically female-cringing lawsuit-worthy way.

So out comes Hulk Hogan rather happy and strutting and posing and such to loads of cheering and such. Hogan has to say; YOU GUISE ARE FULL OF IT! ey, fuck you too, budddy, look who's ta--- oh, he meant it in a good way. He talks about great stuff and junk involving them and so much business at hand and such.

So number 1) Because of the countouts in last week's main event, he's decided SINCE HE CAN to make it a four way at Wictory Road for teh TNA World title. One of the guise in the four way is the NOOKIE MONSTER ABYSS, and another one is gonna be Jeff Hardy, and when you're going for the world title, you've GOT to have Rob Van Dam, after all! At least SOMEONE in TNA recognizes that fact. Though I'm not sure if replacing TEH DOUGLAS in that X Championship match due to Volcanoes was a stupid decision.

Speaking of stupid, ABYSS comes out to his OLDY TIME NON-HULK HOGAN MUSIC, but still with a flamboyantly yellow and red hoodie and vest. People are nonsensically booing. TOO EARLY!!~!

Hogan says it's good to see him, he was just about to talk about his blood bruther Abyss. The first person he went to and the guy he beleived in and handed his whole career to, Abyss... why'd he take the sharp left turn last week? Abyss says "I don't think YOU or ANYONE HERE or at home realizes the SERIOUSNESS of what is going on!" SRSLY! "WHAT I DID LAST WEEK AND WHAT I WILL CONTINUE TO DO, I AM DOING FOR ONE REASON" Chelsea's pussy "AND THAT'S BECAUSE THEY TOLD ME TO! THAT'S RIGHT HULK, THEY DID! THEY WERE THE ONES WHO TOLD ME TO BREAK JEFF HARDY INTO TWO! THEY WERE THE ONES WHO TOLD ME TO DESTROY ANYTHING that gets in my path. Hulk, they're coming! And they're gonna be here sooner than you think. AND WHEN THEY GET HERE, THERE IS NOTHING THAT YOOU OR ERIC BISCHOFF OR DIXIE CARTER OR EVEN THE IMMORTAL HULK HOGAN ARE GONNA BE ABLE TO DO TO STOP IT"

Normally I'd have some funny thing to say about him saying both "you" AND the immortal Hulk Hogan separately, but that's just too funny to me. THEY told Abyss that he don't need Hogan anymore. Hogan asks WHO IS THEY, and Abyss says that's something he knows and everyone else will find out soon enough. He don't need you or his stinkin yellow and red colors and... he gonna take off the ring, but Hogan's talking all like YOU DON'T NEED 'THEY' and it's about the TNA fans and such.

Abyss say there's not a damn thing any of these sheep are going to be able to doa bout it. When THEY get here, you tell the Dixie Carter people and such that THEY are taking TNA over. They also said he don't need Hogan's garbage ring anymore. He then chokes on Hogan, and he keeps the microphone on him so he can go "AAAH AAAAAH AAAAH"

Abyss then puts the ring in Hogan's mouth and chokes him up some. He gonna choke him out. Abyss then puts his foot on Hogan's chest, and leaves. He then goes under the ring for a bag of stuff. It's shards of broken "glass" and ONLY NOW does someone respond; Rob Van Dam, which is completely understandable, I guess. He bounces into the ring and kicks Abyss, then shoves him into a turnbuckle to punch him up, but Abyss just powerbombs him out of the corner.

He then points to Hogan, and starts popping his chest with a foot to stick on it, but then The One Billy Anderson comes out with a steel chair to smack Abyss around on the back, but Abyss no-sells and just glares! But that's enough for the Faces to flee. Abyss screams at the camera, with "THEY'RE COMING!"

Backstage, Hulk Hogan mumbles to Eric Bischoff, bitching about Abyss and such. Bischoff knows he saw a lot in Chris Abyss, and Hogan's like WE DONT HAVE AN ANSWER and he feels like he been shot in the chest. He don't know why, he just doesn't get it. Hogan don't think it's Flair bribing him.

Elsewhere backstage, Madison Rayne is in the bathroom with Velvet Sky, complaining to her about being all sadfaced about facing Angelina Love tonight.

Angelina Love vs Velvet Sky

Come on. The fuck you think. Okay fine I won't cheat you out of this one, because it involves females. Angelina lunges at Velvet and gets bumped in the guts with her knee. She then smashes her up and throws her out of the ring, but Angelina soon recovers and drags her out of the ring, then beats on her on the outside after a spear and punches.

She then grabs her head to try to slam her into the steps but Velvet collapses and pushes Angelina into the ring steps. Now Velvet in control and throws Angelina into the ring, to then get on top of her and punch her up. Then slamming her head on the mat. MEANWHILE we get news that tonight's main event will be a no disqualification match between Abyss and Anderson Anderson. Again, I ask why, and if Anderson could ever wrestle, or if he just purposely doesn't in TNA.

Meanwhile, Velvet tries some arm-twisty thing on Angelina while standing behind her, but Angelina easily smushes her away and knocks her ass down, then leaves the ring to get a steel chair. The referee surprisingly DOESN'T disqualify Velvet Sky for this, and Angelina gets to kick Velvet in the face with the chair in her hand, not being used, but that doesn't stop stupid referee decisions much. Velvet bops Angelina in the eyes and manages to do an awkward and ugly move on Angelina that slams her down.

Velvet then spots the chair and picks up Angelina to try to DDT her into the chair, while wiggling about a lot. The Taz then asks a TOTALLY VALID QUESTION in asking WHY THE REFEREE DOES NOT GET THE CHAIR OUT OF THE RING!!!!!!???? Anyway, Angelina takes control and DDT's Velvet Sky onto the chair.

WINNAR: Velvet Sky

Madison Rayne randomly appears to go and help and comfort her---no wait, she just stands at the ramp and POSES and shows off her championship belt to Angelina! Truly what BFFs are good for.

Backstage, random black guy tells Jay Lethal he has a visitor; ANOTHER RANDOM BLACK GUY! He HAD to come through and congratulate Lethal for having a match against Flair at Victory Road. He say he gonna make mommy and daddy proud, then invites the random black guy to leech free food from catering.

ELSEWHERE BACKSTAGE is Kebong Nash and Eric Young walking around, mumbling about how without Eric Young, they wouldn't have gotten stuff around. Kevin says he needs to distance himself from Scott Hall, he don't have any other choice. Young has dealt with Bischoff and Hogan for a moment, Nash has dealt with them for 15 years. Right now Young don't know it but he's doing him a favor. No idea what this is about, but SOME GOOD COMES OF IT! Kevin Nash is getting used to Eric Young's stupid-looking shoes.

Matt Morgan out into the ring coming in and such. He TOLD us so, a few times. He told all of us so. Also, he's using singular pronouns now. "I told YOU. I told YOU. I told YOU. I didn't tell YOU, but you weren't here" He told us he was walking out of Slammiversary victorious. He don't sweat Hernandez, never has, never will. Meanwhile, The Taz informs us Hernandez is in Mexico right now. So Morgan will call out Hernandez, knowing he's watching in the back, so put down your burrito and march your monkey-ass out here, tirafletcha. Racism ahoy!

Morgan then laughs, and talks about how it was music to the Blueprint's ears that TNA management asked if he would like to fight Hernandez in a steel cage at Wictory Road. No more running away when Morgan is kicking his teeth in and such. He's gonna march out on iMPACT THE VERY NEXT EVENING OH NO STOP SHOOTING and say "I told you so"

Meanwhile, speaking of tirafletcha, here be Homicide to attack Morgan from behind all fast and gansta-y. But since he's small, Morgan dominates him on the outside and carbonites Homicide's head on the turbuckle. He then says this will look like a WET DREAM compared to what he will do to Hernandez at Road. This is wut he gonna get.

FOR MORE BACKSTAGE BULLSHIT instead of another match, we get Ric Flair being ambushed by AJ Styles wondering about some package delivered to him. Meanwhile, Ric says stop worrying about it and says be quiet. So they then were quiet. Speaking of another match,

Kazarian vs Jay Lethal

Lethal's all happy and confident and bouncing on the ropes posing for the crowd. Kaaz is not amused, and sort of squints at him. When the bell starts, Kaz still looks rather confused, while people chant for Lethal. An attempted something by Kaz gets bounced off by Lethal, who then starts arm dragging him. The referee keeps Lethal away from Kaz on the turnbuckle, so Kaz leapfrogs over the referee and attakcs him into the turnbuckle, shouting "THAT'S FOR RIC, YOU STUPID BASTARD!" He then picks up Lethal and slams him down with a hard gutwrench suplex, and pin gets 2.

Now Kaaz beats on Lethal, smacking and bopping his eyes. He then runs to do a move but Lethal stops him, only to get irish whipped and slammed down with like a standing spinebuster. Pin gets 2. He then puts his knee on Lethal's throat, and Lethal tries to crawl away but Kaaz picks him up and puts him onto the ropes like in a suplex, but then kicks him in the face. Kaaz then poses for crowd boos, and goes to pick up Lethal and put him in a pin gets 2.

Kaaz then runs at the rope and springboard legdrops on Lethal, then lays down and headlocks him. MEANWHILE, COMPLETELY INTERRUPTING ONLY THE SECOND MATCH OF THE NIGHT FOR BACKSTAGE BULLSHIT, AJ AND RIC FLAIR BEAT UP ON RANDOM BLACK GUY WHO IS ONLY NOW IDENTIFIED AS JAY LETHAL'S BROTHER! The Taz says his name is Mohammad. Mohammad Lethal. That's a kickass name.

Meanwhile in the ring Lethal starts elbows and clotheslines on Kaaz, then handspring backelbows on him when he's irish whipped. GREAT MUTA REFERENCE with The Taz saying Lethal perhaps does it better. Lethal runs at Kaaz and gets elbowed in the face. Kaaz tries a low blow but Lethal CATCHES HIS FIST and wrenches him away into a pin gets 2.

Lethal and KAAZ tyhen throw some punches at each other, but Lethal stops that shit for his Lethal Combination, but Kaz reverses it and gets into a pin gets 2. He shows off his ability to Press Y fast enough to complain at the referee. Kazarian then waits for Lethal to get up, as he does, then Kaz picks Lethal up for a slam thing, but Lethal reverses into a Lethal Injection and pinwins.

WINNAR: Jay Lethal

Lethal sits on the metal barricades just across from Kaz laying on the apron, talking trash at one another and such. Ric Flair appears ont he titan tron to be all like "HEY LETHAL! HEY LETHAL! AJ LETHAL!/HEY JAY LETHAL!" and shows him beating up on their brother. Lethal then runs like a pansy with his arms flailing about.

Commercials later, here be Jeff Jarrett walking around backstage with his never-used intro music playing. As in, NOT his music, but the intro-track that was on the TNA music album. Remember that, how various superstars had music, and before that track was like a 40 second intro-track kind of like their music but kind of different? Abyss, Jarrett, and Sting had them. So now Jarrett's actual music plays for him to come out.

Jeff Jarrett vs Sting

Typical shenanigans abounding as Sting doesn't appear, then a spotlight starts searchign the rafters and OH NOESZ Thar he be. He starts walking around and Jarrett exits the ring to go pursue him to meet him at the bottom. He starts going up the stairs, and Sting stands up there. Unsurprisingly, Sting pounds his face in at the top, but OH NOESZ he swings too far and Jarrett gets controlof him, and pulls him down...

Except now Sting is in the ring. OMFG WUT? WUT! WUT! WUT! WHOODAHELL IS JARRETT BEATIN ON!? The trenchcoat on nWoSting is covering his head, and Jarrett lifts it to reveal OMFG SOMEONE ELSE! He ended up in the ring, and now Sting chokies up Jarrett with the baseball bat. Now he starts beating on Jarrett's back and legs and such, pulling a RVD-Debut on him.

Sting now say: "If you gonna walk with them, yer GONNA GO DOOOWN WITH THEM!"

WINNAR: Mmm... FakeSting, I suppose. He's the one not getting disqualified or beaten nearly to death.

Video recap of EIGHT MONTHS AGO when Failure first began to flood into the TNA ring in the form of a single man. That is, Desmond Wolfe, and his nonstop job-streak.

Speaking of jobbing, here comes the fail.

Desmond Wolfe vs Kurt Angle

It starts with Angle wrenching Wolfe's ugly arm, only for him to snapmare Angle, and Angle to stay clenched on him, and knock him down. Wolfe spins around some, and reverses it into a DDT---nope... a lazy-ass headlock. Silly bitch, you expected exciting action-packed wrestling from failsauce? Fuck you. Speaking of failure, he tries a chinlock on Angle, only for Kurt to spin about out of it in a continued armlock. So Wolfe gets a headlock on him, and brings him down.

Since bluh bluh Orton WWE, Angle slowly gets up, only to be dropped back down by Wolfe, only for Angle to get up again, only to be dropped back down and OH NOESZ counter into a back hammerlock, then picking Wolfe up to the ropes, for Desmoy to twist out and put Angle on the ropes, and kick Angle in the rope which hits Angle.

Irish whip gets reversed by Angle, and he monkey flips Wolfe. When he wanders over to him, he gets knocked down by Wolfe, and Wolfe tries his across the ring running attack on the turnbuckle that has only ever worked like once, and by accident. He then grabs Angle's arm, gives an ugly face to the camera, and overhead suplexes him by teh arm.

Then for no reason at all, he leans over the ropes and yells at Chelsea. This causes Angle to attack him, only to be twisted down with an arm-spinny drop thing. He then goes right back to yelling at Chelsea for no reason. Then an irish whip on Angle, which he flips over him and tries to drag him down to pin but Wolfe slams his arm down, then grabs the arm again for an armlock that looks like an ACTUAL FUN WRESTLING MOVE!

Angle starts to slowly push Wolfe's foot off of his head, and puts it in an Ankle Lock, but gets kicked away by Kart. For no reason at all again, Desmond Fail yells at Chelsea, undoubtedly for Kurt to take advantage and killshit Desmoy, including a high back body drop. Then he irish whips him into a corner but gets kicked by Wolfe. When Wolfe goes after him, he gets belly to belly suplayed, and pin gets 2.

Attempted Olympic Slam fails and Wolfe tries some shit only to get caught in multiple German Suplexes. Pin gets 2. Desmond slowly gets up and Angle tries an Olympic Slam but it sFAILS into some kind of hammerlock Russian legsweep thingy and a pin gets 2. Angle then gets up first to irish whip Fail into the turnbuckle, and runs but gets thrown onto the apron, and Fail tries his Tower of London move which has only ever hit once, by accident, and gets Olympic Slammed in a reversal by Angle.

Ankle Lock then on Wolfe, and he tap tap taps out.

WINNAR: Kurt Angle

Chelsea is amused. She has a face like a RealDoll

Backstage is Mister Anderson being an asshole talking about all the abuse and such he got from Abyss, and complains about THIS IS WRESTLING which is kind of funny considering he can't fucking wrestle and Abyss is well known for using weapons. Mister Anderson is ready for shotguns. His own words.

Video package for TEH DOUGLAS WILLIAMS and his X Division actions consisting of ground n pound and hitting people with bricks. Meanwhile in the ring is TEH DOUGLAS already, talking about smugging of Brian Kendrick who ambushed him from behind and such, and saying it's fine that Kendrick was inspired by his third eye, in his crazy world. In TEH DOUGLAS's world, there's a code of conduct, a gentleman's agreement, and he seems to need to re-educate the X Division in the art of professional wrestling AND professionalism and sportsmanship. So he calls out Brian Kendrick so he can beat the shit out of him, with class and sportsmanship.

Brian Kendrick comes out with his unfitting music, and says this won't take but a moment of his time, for he has things to say pertaining to him. He's so poolite with his "may I please" and "Thank you very much" and here's what's happening after speaking to the people in charge; the X Division championship will be up for crabs at Wictory Road, and vibrationally speaking (his words) he took advantage of him last week.

So since TEH DOUGLAS is all high flying and such, this match will be an Ultimate X match, and can also end by submission. So he will end TEH DOUGLAS's stream of consciousness... is this clicking? TEH DOUGLAS says YOU TROIYIN TEW INSULT MOI INTELLIGENCE WITH YO FAUXSPIRITUALITY CLAPTRAP ISN'T GONNA MAKE ME ANYMO LOIKLY TO JUMP YEW IN AN UNPROFESSIONAL MATTUH. So he says they can settle their shit at July 11th, or wherever. They put down their microphones, and TEH DOUGLAS very unprofessionally tries to attack The Brian from behind, but The Brian Kendrick nutsacks The Douglas Williams by swishing under him and submissioning him from behind. THEY SHALL HOOK IT UP AT VICTORY ROAD AT THE ULTIMATE SEX MATCH@!

Meanwhile backstage, Abyss is still wearing his bright red hoodie, saying NO BODY SEEMS TO UNDERSTAND THE VERACITY OF THE SITUATION, and everyone will realize he did what he did and he's gonna do what he's gonna do because THEY told him to. THEY told him to break Jeff Harvey in two. THEY told him to put his hands around the throat of the iMomortal Hulk Hogan and destroy anything that comes in his path so tonight it iwll be The One Mister Anderson, because when they get here, TNA will never be the same; there will be no stopping THEM and that's why there'll be no stopping the Monster Abyss. Or whatever. I wasn't really paying attention.

Meanwhile somewhere backstage, Shannon Moore is beating on Brother Ray. Security finally comes to hold Shannon back, so Brother Ray can jump on him and beat him up. Brother Devon just shoves off the securit with great ease, and then shoves into Ray all like "WHAT THE HELL IS YOUR PROBLEM!?" and how he's had his back since day one, and Bruther Ray making a fool out of him, and he WARNED Bruther Ray to leave that kid alone.

Beer Money vs Ink Inc... ughhh

So there's no Jesse Neal coming out cos he was one of the background props in that backstage bit where Shannon Moore and Brother Ray were fighting. So Shannon now faces Robert Roode alone, and gets punched in the face by him. THE MOTOR CITY MACHINE GUNNAZ RETURN FROM THAT HOLE THE HOGAN/BISCHOFF DUG FOR HIM TO PROVIDE COMMENTARY! Moore starts dominating Roode a bit and ten pries his legs apart on the floor to legdrop his neck. Pin gets 2 as he jumps up and Storm ends up elbowdropping him.

Moore then clotheslines Robert Roode out of the ring as both Beer Moneys are out of the ring. NOW HERE BE TOMMY DREAMER AND RAVEN AND DOCTOR STEVIE to come and be paid to watch TNA live. Moore gets ambushed from behind and starts fighting with Roode. But hey, who gives a shit? IT'S SOME ECW GUISE~! Even the crowd doesn't care anymore.

Meanwhile, Beer Money starts stomping on Shannon Moore in the ring. Meanwhile, up on the ramp, Jesse Neal meanders on down, all tired and beaten on and holding his head. Storm then irish whips Shannon and boots him in the chest with his knee and such. Roode scoop slams him and Storm drops an elbow on him, and Roode splashes on him for a pin gets 2. THIRD CAMERA SHOT OF ECW GUYS WATCHING THE SHOW!

They keep beating on Shannon Moore but WHO CARES?! FOURTH CAMERA SHOT OF ECW GUYS WATCHING THE SHOW! Now Beer Money double irish whip Shannon Moore and do a double team beatdown which is REVARSED by Shannon kicking Storm away and bulldogging Robert Roode. ALL MEN DOWN AND HOT TAG ATTEMPT as Shannon tags in Neal, who starts clotheslining Baer Money a bunch, then irish whipping Roode for a back body drop.

Then belly to back Suplex on Storm, but Roode breaks up a pin gets 2. Shannon Moore then attacks Roode, and Roode runs at him only to get bounced out onto the outside mat. Moore then runs and jumps over the ropes onto Roode. Storm then tries to superkick Neal, but Neal catches him in a DVD position, and Moore gets on the top rope to try some shit but Roode shoves him away and Jesse just drops him and tries a pin gets 2.

Beer Money starts double teaming on Jesse some, and hit a DWI for a pinwin.

WINNAR: Beer Money

Backstage somewhere, AJ and Kaz yell at each other all angry and such. AJ then sees a package on the bench that was right in front of him the whole time. He's all like "IS THIS MAH PACKAGE?!" and Kaz says "That's way too big to be your package" for the hur hur dick joke. He reads it and it's addressed to "AJ Styles" so he starts tearing it open, prompting Penishead to say "Don't open that, maybe it's for me". Moron.

Inside that big-ass package, it's THA NEW AJ STYLES ACTION FIGURE~! He mocks Kaz, saying there's no Frankie Kazarian action figure! Kaaz pulls another dick joke telling him to take little AJ and play with himself. AJ says at least he has an action figure HA HA.

Next is the main event.

Abyss vs Mister Anderson

Anderson doesn't wait for his microphone, and goes to silly punch Abyss, and kick him into a corner, then punch him and kick him. Punches and kicks are the only thing this silly faggot can do. He goes toAbyss to do more punches, then runs and gets bounced by Abyss, and tries to reverse but gets clotheslined down by Abyss. Abyss then punches him in the head.

Abyss then puts his head on the rope and chokes him up some on it. He then grabs Anderson and irish whips him, and bends over to get kicked. More running by Anderson and he Lou Thesz Press knuckles Abyss with a bunch of punches. Abyss rolls out of the ring so Anderson can go out there and try to jack a chair from someone in the audience. They all deny him except one guy, and he holds the chair up so Abyss can punch him in the face.

Abyss sets up the steel chairin the ring while continuing to beat on Anderson with boring boring punches and irish whips but Ken revarses Abyss's head into the steel chair, and pin gets 2. REFERNECE TO ECW GUYS IN AUDIENCE. Anderson hits Abyss with the steel chair and pin gets 2, because he cannot wrestle.

Seriously, what more can I add except "punches, kicks, clotheslines, hits with a weapon" from here? Fuck your fucking shit, this isn't WRAAAAASsLING. Abyss tries to irish whip Neo into a chair but he slides out and goes underneath the ring. He then appears with a Kendu stick and follows Abyss who acts stupid only for Neo to hit him with it. He tries to hit Abyss with it against the turnbuckle, but Abyss moves and Anderson wiggs out from the vibrations and Abyss knocks him down, thenslams him into the metal barricades.

Abyss then dragging Anderon about and pulls up the rubber padding to try to chokeslam him on concrete, but Anderson breaks away so he bops him on the head and rolls Anderson into the ring. Abyss then uses the steel chair to bop at Anderson's throat with the top part, then does it again to his chest. Abyss leans on the turnbuckle, and runs to do a drop on him but Anderson holds the chair up to crotch Abyss, then rolls him up for a pin gets 2.

Anderson pulls Abyss into a position and gets onto the top rope, mocks Jeff Hardy's taunt, and does a Kenton Bomb, which Hardy rips off from him! Abyss basically nosells this shit and does a Shock Treatment backbreaker on him.

WINNAR: Abyss

Post-match heel shenanigans abound as Anderson crawls up the ramp and Abyss follows, and grabs him to scoop slam him off the rop of the ramp into some random tables, but OH NOESZ Anderson slips out and punches on him. Then he tries to do some kind of inverted Rock Bottom, but Abyss elbows him, and grabs him for a chokeslam into the random ramp-area cardboard.

Hulk Hogan then appears and hits Abyss from behind with a steel chair, and Abyss turns around to be all like RAAARGH. Security then just rushes at him, and he just shoves them all away and poitns at Hogan as security comes around.

TNA YAY: Very few matches tonight

TNA BOO: The matches sucked. The main event was many shades of atrocious

TNA WTF: I feel like there was a bunch of stupid shit that just passed me by because I'm so inoculated to it by now. So let's just say there was stupid stuff.

You've just been Halonic Death Ray'd, and like I say every week, if I'm not back within two or three weeks, consider me dead.

Feedback if you want: phenomynouss@hotmail.com

 
Andariel Halo is a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. She can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. She translates ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees. Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, Andy once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. Children trust her. She knows the exact location of every dairy item in the supermarket. She has performed covert operations for the CIA. She's in bed every day, but sleeps once a week, OH! The laws of physics do not apply to her. One time, she shot her friend in the back of the head with a BB gun, and placed all blame on him.

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TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).