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TNA IMPACT
REPORT
(06/17/10)
by ANDARIEL HALO

So comes the time for TNA iMPACT, coming off the heels of Slammiversary, which surprised absolutely no one with its obvious results and predictability. Dixie Carter promises us SURPRISES~! Having a surprise party on your birthday can be surprising. Having one every month can be this

No. You can't do that.

Speaking of which, here be a closeup of Eric Bischoff in his office, talking that the TNA Championship Committee met today in their trailer to discuss PRESSING ISSUES~! They agreed that being a part of TNA at any level is an honor and a privilege. Due to issues involving Scott Hall and hoping he will be back in TNA soon, they are stripping the nWo/the Band of the tag team chormpionships, to decide who will face the Motor City Machine Gunnaz in the tournament. Despite the fact that they were going by Freebirds rule, and Eric Young was actually the one who pinned Morgan.

So who is the first introduced... the Band.

 

Anyway, Bandmatch!

nWo Kevin Nash and Eric Young vs Ink, Inc.... ughhh...

Not amused by this shit, Kevin Nash ambushes Shannon Moore mid-entrance into the ring, and Eric Young beats up on Jesse Neal a bunch, stomping him into a turnbuckle, then grabbing him for a scoop slam. Then he does a second rope generic double-arm axe elbow drop thing. Jesse then gets pushed to the turnbuckle, and he turnes it around, but Kevin tags himself in with his leg, and comes in to slowly bump hips on him in the turnbuckle, then punch and elbow him repeatedly.

Then he puts his boot on Jesse Neal's face, until the referee pushes him away, so Eric Young clotheslines him from the apron, and then tags in to irish whip him and clothesline him again. Pin gets 2. Jesse Neal then recovers to punch up his guts, and headbutts Eric, then bounces off the ropes to get clotheslined down again. Pin gets 2. Eric Young gets Jesse on the turnbuckle to punch him up, then puts him on the floor to step on him and stand on him.

Eric then drops a lazy elbow down on him, and gets him up again to kick him in the guts. Then another scoop slam. Then gets to the top rope for a flying elbow drop. Pin gets 2. More turnbuckle antics, with an irish whip from one to another which Jesse Neal reverses, and tries to tag in but Ee Why pulls him tot he middle, but gets a big fakepunch to the face and both are no longer standing and fighting.

Jesse Neal eventually manages to tag in Shannon Moore so he can hot-tag it up on Eric Young with dropkicks and forearms, then an inverted Atomic Drop, and what looked like a failure of a spinning sidekick, but still managed to hit. Then he punches up Eric and irish whips him. Eric flips so as to hit the turnbuckle with his back, then slide onto the apron and get to the top rope.

Shannon Moore kicks Kevin Nash, then goes to grab Eric Young on the top rope to almost botch a top rope hurricanrana. Pin gets 2 as Kevin Nash falls on Shannon Moore. The Taz compares this to a giant jet plane landing on you. 9/11 people are not amused. Jesse Neal ends up in to hold Ee Why on his shoulders like a DVD position, and Shannon Moore gets on the top rope to do a flying flippy move to pull them down and such.

WINNAR: Ink, Inc... ughhh...

We get a screen showing us the TOURNAMENT TAG TEAM thing, with Beer Money and Team 3D being the next one, the same Team 3D feuding with Ink Inc. JEE I WONDER WHO WILL WIN THAT ONE! I bet Beer Money.

At Slammiversary; Tommy Dreamer appeared. I guess that was it.

Speaking of IT, it's Ric Flair's pointlessly generic music and out comes a Ric Flair with a bunch of heels behind him. He stands on the ramp to announce he is about to make an announcement. INDEED! He says STAY TUNED, WHEN I TALK THE WORLD LISTENS! ALL 400,000 OF YOU!

Random Commercial-area Thoughts: E

Backstage, Chelsea suffers Stockholm Syndrome and begs to stay with the Monster Rapist Abyss. Or maybe she's sick of Failure. Abyss says TRUST ME YOU'RE NOT GONNA WANT TO BE AROUND ME TONIGHT! Then leaves.

Meanwhile int he ring, Ric Flair says they're going to reform the Four Horsemen. Except they're going to call it "Fortune". So it's not the Four Horsemen. AT LEAST THEY BOTH HAVE "FOUR" IN THEM, in some dyslexic sort of way.

He starts saying things, and then says the Four Horsemen were the best at stuff, and says to AJ Styles that Arn Anderson would be screaming and hollering right now, grab a skinny kid in the audience and bring him in here and stomp a hole in him, and that's what AJ needs to do. He says Barry Windham would pick KAAZ up and throw him in the crowd. He says Tommy Blanchard and Ole Anderson would eat Beer Money for lunch. They'd certainly look it if TNA brought them in now.

Noticeably absent from this comparison is Failure. Desmond Fail. Just as I remark it, Ric Flair says he forgot about you, but he's like the Lex Luger of the Four Horsemen---he was nothing before Ric Flair. Make of that what you will, frequent readers of my columns.

Ric Flair complains to AJ about a black man beating him at Slammiversary, and speaking of which, here be that very black man entering now. Like a circus attraction, they dressed Jay Lethal up in a suit. He comes out to imitate Ric Flair's voice, and calls Ric Flair a punk talking about the Four Horsemen, the greatest group of men etcetera. As far as he's concerned, it looks like the Horsemen were in the ring, shat in it, and left that.

LethalFlair had the privilege to be on the road and partying and kissing girls and making them cry with the Horsemen. Them, meanwhile, are no Horsemen. That is disrespectful to Mandingo Flair. Ric is not amused and talks shit about Ric Flair, then throws his coat into the audience, and throws a shoe at Lethal, like the BOOOY he is? Lethal then pulls of his own coat to imitate Ric Flair and elbow drop it, and we get NOT ONE BUT TWOOOO LONG CLOSEUPS of Ric Flair's eyes.

He's cutting off Lethal with "WOOO"'s. Lethal tries to keep talking but Ric Flair shouts catchphrases. Lethal says don't be upset because they tore Space Mountain down. He retorts "Oldest ride, longest line". Lethal gets interrupted by Flair throwing his other shoe, and now Lethal starts Flairing out, and they exchange a few dozen "WOO"'s, and spin around and such.

Sorry to pull a Cameron Burge, but I'm just bored. Not enough alcohol in my system. Speaking of being tired, Desmond Wolfe is sick of this shit, and shuts Lethal up saying that HE'S not a cheap imitation of the greatest wrestler etcetera; he's out here to make a name for himself. He says to take his booty (his word) off of Space Mountain and bring it in this ring to kick it. Lethal then pulls a "I FUCKED YOUR GIRL" card and says she told him "I tried the old guy, young guys are much faster, stronger, hey, and they're sixty-minute men, baby"

Flair squeals that Lethal doesn't know sixty-minutes in the bedroom or the ring. Lethal says he's gonna find out that jumpin' on is a lot easier etcetera and Ric Flair says "THAT'S MY LINE" and Lethal says "THAT'S MY LINE" and they shout that back and forth at each other and such. He then assigns Failure to take care of business tonight in killing a brutha, and he'll be the first member of Fortune, but if he loses, he's gone forever. He then points to a random person in the audience, likely a female, and talks sexual harrassment shit.

Speaking of females Lacey Von Erich is backstage being massaged while naked.

Random Commercial-area Thoughts: As great an actor as he is, Denzel Washington is always playing Denzel Washington

Backstage, Anderson Anderson is ambushed by invisible interviewer and cameraman. Despite all my hatred for him, he handles the stupid and inane questions like a true hero---"Are you ready for your big threeway tonight with Jeff Hardy and Abyss???!" "... *sigh*... YES" "Are we gonna get to see the REAL Mister Anderson is tongiht?!" "... well I guess that depends on who you think the... REAL Mister Anderson is."

But enough stupidity, here's another match!

Hernandez vs Samoa Joe

I think The Taz tries to avoid saying Two Brown people int he ring by using terms like "Rugged" and "Badboys". It's okay if he says it, though; he darker than them. Joe gets Hernandez to the corner with snapjabs and stomping, then irish whips him to the other and slams into him, then enzuigiri him. Super Spic regains some latitude with punches, but Joe just clotheslines his ass down. American Samoa > Mexico. It's got "America" in the name.

"Joe's Gonna Kill You" chants, similar to what I typically hear in the KICKASS TWF forums, but Hernandez beats up on Samoan Joe a bit, and picks him up only to be punched up by Joe. He then runs only to be PAAAAAAAAAAOOOOOOOOOUNCCCC-UUUHHH'D by him. From OUTTA NOWHERE, Matt Morgan punches Hernandez in the nuts while hte referee is jacking around. Joe gets back in to T-Bone suplay him, and pinwin.

WINNAR: Samoa Joe

And here I thought I'd said enough stupidity. Samoa Joe apparently just saw the replay now of Morgan's shenanigans, and looks a little like an elephant. An elephant that gets shot in the head with a flaming arrow. The Brown people try to chase him but Morgan escapes the ring. I guess due to Affirmative Action, they play Hernandez's music to make him feel like a winner, too.

Backstage in a lockerroom. Desmond Wolfe snarks at AJ, and AJ says he heard that Chelsea doesn't like him, and that he treated her bad. His advice; get her in line, like a pet dog. I approve, with my e-dick.

Elsewhere backstage, Hardy talks about teaming with his partner guy the Asshole guy. Speaking of assholes, he randomly appears to wish him luck all smuggly. Hardy snarks and mutters "asshole" after he leaves, though he calls out "YES I AM" after in the halls.

In the ring now is Douglas Williams, proclaiming the X Division That Was is dead. FROM NOW ON The X Division will be synonymous with Doug Williams's famous ground-n-pound mat style. He says he knows they are dying to see a demonstration of this style. I agree, because all I've seen from him is Generica---the same movelist your Default CAW comes with in a wrestling game. His opponent is THAT GUY

TEH DOUGLAS WILLIAMS vs One of the Young Bucks

Sorry, I just don't know his name. He looks like Colin Delaney with a tan. And a normal shade of skin beneath that. He jumps into the ring all "I'M YOUNG AND FLEXY" and TEH DOUG takes him down with a snotty snapmare and such. Buck Delaney tries to hug him, but TEH DOUG makes it an armwrench. Delaney reverses but Douglass reverses it and whips him but Buck stops and back flip fkicks him. TEH DOUG gets hit and falls out of the ring, but slips in before Buck can suicide dive of some sort.

He is one step ahead of the young buck guy and slams him down. He then does a Brutus Mange-us taunt, and starts doing EUROPEAN UPPERCUTS on him, or as they call it in Europe, "A bop to 'is toppa with a set 'o fives". Then he brings him down for a chinlock. But since BLUH BLUH RANDY ORTON HUR HUR, Young Buck breaks out, only to be wrenched into something I haven't seen since WWF No Mercy days, an Abdominal Stretch. Irish whip into the corner, running knee, then snap suplex, maintains his hold, and Gutwrench suplexes.

Then he picks him up for an Exploder suplex and pin gets 2. He then gets on the top rope to jump but Buck rolls away, only for TEH DOUG to land on his feet and turn around for the young buck guy to attack him from the turnbuckle an da pin gets 2. He then attacks him again but he punches him up, then grabs him for a Tornado DDT bouncing off the turnbuckle and wins.

WINNAR: TEH DOUGLAS WILLIAMS

He then grabs the young buck guy in a snapmare-looking headlock. Out of nowhere, Brian Kendrick runs down the ramp, and his music starts playing for no reason for about 4 seconds. He then puts a rear naked choke on the British guy. Then his music plays again for longer.

MUSIC VIDEO RECAP for Jarrett and Sting.

Random Commercial-area Thoughts: I just figured out now, if it weren't for these Random Commercial-area Thoughts, I could finish this recap in 90 minutes or less.

VIDEO RECAP of Dixie Carter talking about TNA's latest moneywaster; TNA ACTION FIGURES! Including STING, AJ Styles... with a completely nonsensical beard. Standing out like a clown is Suicide and his action figure. Wut?

Speaking of clown porn, here be Angelina Love, reminding us all that we could die at any moment, and she will make her match all great and such. Tonight she faces Lacey Von Erich, then Velvet Sky next week, then Madison Rayne for the championship at TNA VICTORY ROAD. Her angry-talk and calling out of Lacey is fail. The Taz remarks that she looks very loose after her massage. HAHAHAAAA... double entendre.

Angelina Love vs Lacey Von Erich

Angelina ambushes her mid-ring coitus, and slams her around the turnbuckles and such. Angelina then kicks Lacey in the guts and grasps her for like a Rock Bottom, but just knees her in the guts some more, then trips her up and drops her. She crawls to a turnbuckle so Angelina can choke her with a foot. More domination stuff, but an irish whip to the turnbuckle has Lacey moonsault over her as she slams into it, and SLIDING drop toe holds Angelina onto her face. Angelina freezes for something, and then attacks.

Lacey gains control to kick her buttocks, then climbs up onto her on the turnbuckle to muff her face and punch her up, but Angelina throws her down on her back, with Lacey responding instinctively, writhing and moaning and screaming. Angelina then kicks So Cal Val aside and steals her chair. The referee doesn't care enough to stop her, and lets Angelina DDT Lacey onto the chair.

WINNAR: Lacey Von Erich

Backstage, Jay Lethal talks to Hulk Hogan all like wow he can't believe he's here with all these guys. Hulk Hogan said those hee hee haw haw imitations Jay Lethal did wasn't what attracted them to him, and he's not gonna diss TNA, but he's gonna diss TNA by saying all Hogan and Bischoff needed to do with Lethal is put him in the right spot and he's SPOOTED up to the top and stayed there, and he's gifted with talent.

Hogan says he brings the energy and physicality and talent but now he's gotten to a place a lot of these TNA guys aren't going to get to, so he better hang on tight, and he better work on his Hulk Hogan impersonation, brother.

Random Commercial-area Thoughts: I keep trash bags with me; you never know when you gotta dump a nigga out!

Backstage, Christy Hemme interviews a Jeff Hardy. He notes that indeed tonight is a three-way dance and the winnar gets a title shot somewhere. Can he trust Mister Anderson? Hemme... shut the fuck up.

Speaking of persons, here be Mister Anderson, all like "here be people stirrin up the pot" stirrin up doubts. How many times has he gotten into fistfights with his brother, only to pick themselves up afterwards and still be brothers? Only this time, the TNA Championship is on the line. Don't buy it for a second.

Team 3D vs Beer Money

Robert Roode starts with Bruther Devon, headlock and tossing Devon off only to get clotheslined. More running and Devon reverses an monkey flip to do one of his own. Roode then rolls over Devon, then comes back to punch him up and irish whip him into a turnbuckle, runs and misses a slam on him. Devon smashes him down and pin gets 2. Tagged in is Bruther Ray so they double slam something Roode and pin gets 2.

Roode then picked up into a scoop slam, and Bruther Ray tries to bounce off the ropes to elbow drop him, but stops when he hears people chanting one of their shitty, shitty impromptu chants that sound like nothing and you can never hear what they are. It sounds like "YOU'RE A NEW SHIT", but it's probably more likely "YOU'RE A LOSER" even though the last word sounds very little like "Loser". Anyway, he hits the elbow drop only for Beer Money to double team him when James Storm is tagged in.

Storm is not amused with Bruther's punching him, and beats on him a bunch. Ink,Inc appears to go to the commentator's table. Ughh... Meanwhile in the ring Team 3D double team 3D's James Storm, and Devon pins gets 2. James Storm then tags in Roode somehow and they double team Devon a bit until Roode slams his knees on Devon and pin gets 2. Bruther then turns against Devon by distracting the referee so Beer Money can double team him.

They try a Beer Munny taunt for big momentum but Bruther Ray stops that shit up and Bruther Ray saves Devon, and puts Roode on his shoulders so Devon can Doomsday Machine him and pin gets 2. They are in a 3D position, but Bruther gets distracted by Inkink, and wanders off. Devon tries to 3D Roode, but sees SHENANIGANS ARE ABOUT as Bruther Ray starts brawling with Inkink. Beer Money then does shenanigans behind the referee's back... only for the referee to disqualify Team 3D because of Bruther Ray's brawling.

...

The only possible excuse could be if Inkink hit Bruther Ray, in which case it would be a disqualification FOR Team 3D. Either way, it still makes the whole James Storm spitting beer in Devon's face utterly pointless.

...

Anyway. Backstage, Failure yells at Chelsea, who is looking more and more like a person instead of a WWE Diva. After some more yelling, commercials.

Random Commercial-area Thoughts: NOWHERE in the Bible does it say that Jesus was NOT a Raptor

Desmond Wolfe w/ Jobber non-entrance vs Jay Lethal

Lethal gets knocked the fuck out of the ring before even entering as he climbs to the top rope. Desmond then goes to yell at Chelsea for no reason whatsoever. In the audience for likely the same reason, as well as collecting paychecks, is Tommy Dreamer. Desmond beats on Lethal in the ring, just to go and yell at Chelsea some more. So no surprise when Lethal kicks his ass from behind. But some wrestling gets Desmond knocking Lethal down... so he can go RIGHT BACK to yelling at Chelsea.

Chelsea then runs up the ramp, turns to face Desmond, and... just falls. She literally just drops, for no reason, missing her cue BAAAAAAAAAAAAADLY. So Jay Lethal takes Failure and throws him back in the ring to dominate him, including lots of running and a SMACK kick in the face. Failure tries a Fail Whip but Lethal bounces on the ropes with a handspring elbow and bops him one. Desmond tries another running move thing after recovering but Lethal moves away, then pinwins.

WINNAR: Jay Lethal

Failure reigns as he attacks Lethal after the match. Despite being a losing sack of shit (again) he attakcs Jay Lethal a bunch. But here comes Ric Flair all angrypants with purpose, stomping along angrily. Desmond holds Lethal up for Flair to lazily punch and chop, then nutshots him. Hulk Hogan music then hits. Ric Flair exits the ring and Failure leaves.

Hogan says THIS IS THE REASON A COMPANY LIKE TNA IS ON FIRE RIGHT NOW, BURNING DOWN LIKE A METH HOUSE. Speaking of drugs, Hogan says he was SO HIGH on Lethal, and he's ready to make this HYUUUUUUUGE announcement, and he thinks they need to get Ric Flair out to make this announcement. He gets out on the ramp and Hogan talks some stuff. So then it will be Ric Flair vs Jay Lethal at TNA VICTORY ROAD. BOTCHAMANIA 134 AHOY!

Backstage, Sting walks down some stairs.

Random Commercial-area Thoughts: Penis

THE NEW TOP TNA RANKINGS! Kurt Angle is at number 10, Sting is at number 5, AJ Styles is number 4, some other things that seemingly changed out of nowhere. MEANWHILE IN THE RING is Jeff Jarrett, who has some words on his chest to get off, like Leonard Shelby in "Memento". Sting comes out, WITHOUT the facepaint. Jarrett calls him STEEEVE! Meaning this is BIG TIME MAJOR SERIOUS BUSINESS! He wants STEEEVE to take off his sunglasses so he FEELS and KNOWS HE FEELS what he's saying, brah. He's not gonna ask "WAH" again, and he's gonna remind him of one thing: It was Jarrett who called him to come on this company, for his professionalism, his experience, and for the real reason, his being a WCW icon. He made it clear he didn't want him to work FOR Jarrett, but to work WITH Jarrett.

So for the last eight years, THEY have given all they could to TNA. I'm guessing he means someone other than Sting. They had friendship, manlove, and respect, but that all ended at TNA SACRIFICE when Sting was hellbent on destroying him and everything he's about and how he provides for his family. But STEVE BORDEN made one mistake; he didn't break kayfabe and kill him. He then closes the distance all like "You think this is funny, Sting?"

But he knows what this is all about and he's dead wrong about BOTH OF THEM. SMOKE AND MIRRORS AND CONSPIRACY THEORY! Every minute of every hour they've been here, those two men have given heart and soul, and even Hulk gave his body, and that was too much for Jarrett's taut little rear. So next week they wrestle, and being a third generation wrestler he is, he's gonna be fightin' for the most important ingredient of all; the TNA fans, all 0.9 of you watching at home.

Random Commercial-area Thoughts: That movie looks like a barrel of shit

Mr Anderson (Welcome Back. Weeee Missed You) vs Abyss vs Jeff Hardy

Now it's the threeway iMPACT Main Event. What hyooge, hyooge oppatunity at hand. Charismatic and Asshole beat on Monster Rape, including kicks and punches. They irish whip Abyss into the corner, and do a Poetry in Motion and the Monster Rapist Abyss catches Harvey in mid air and throws him, but they recover and try some doubleteaming. Abyss catches them to do a double chokeslam but they kick him.

Anderson Anderson then tries to suplex, but can't, so waves over Jeff Hardy to double suplex. Jeff Hardy pin gets 2. Anderson Anderson pin gets 2. They stare at each other, apparently stupid, and Abyss double clotheslines them. Abyss then punches on Anderson Anderson, and a shot of TOMMY DREAMER in the audience. Apparently TNA has to pay him to watch their show. Abyss irish whips Hardy into one corner and Anderson int he other, then smashes Anderson, then runs at Hardy only to be bashed away and hit with a Whisper in the Wind.

Abyss rolls out to the floor and gets kicked in the head by Hardy in a springboard baseball slide kick thing. Anderson Anderson gets up and looks all hideously evil behind Hardy, and the commentators are like "OMFG THE OLD MISTER ANDERSON" and he lunges... to baseball slide Abyss. You saw it comin'? NEVER IN A HUNDRED MILLION DAYS!

... OUT OF BUTTFUCK NOWHERE, THE REFEREE CALLS FOR DISQUALIFICATION. NONE OF THEM WERE OUT OF THE RING FOR LONGER THAN A TEN COUNT. NONE OF THEM USED WEAPONS.

...

TNA, this is why you fail. Abyss killshits the others and throws them in the ring, with Earl Hebner back in the ring to do nothing.

This isn't even worth covering. Abyss slams Anderson into a pile of broken glass and slams Hardy onto a random table off the ramp. Hulk Hogan then comes out for a bit of "Son, I am disappoint"

TNA YAY: Rampant stupidity. That's the TNA I know and pretend to love!

TNA BOO: See below

TNA WTF: Referees disqualify TWO BIG MATCHES for what amounts to "I feel like it" or "I'm tired", "I'm hot", "My butt itches", "I'm drunk", "I need to pee", "I'm too old for this shit".

TNA, this is why people like Mark Madden say the best thing that could happen to you is being shut down and going out of business. You've never gone above a 1.5 rating EVER.

You've just been Halonic Death Ray'd, and like I say every week, if I'm not back within two or three weeks, consider me dead.

Feedback if you want: phenomynouss@hotmail.com

Andariel Halo is a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. She can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. She translates ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees. Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, Andy once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. Children trust her. She knows the exact location of every dairy item in the supermarket. She has performed covert operations for the CIA. She's in bed every day, but sleeps once a week, OH! The laws of physics do not apply to her. One time, she shot her friend in the back of the head with a BB gun, and placed all blame on him.

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TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).