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TNA IMPACT
REPORT
(06/10/10)
by ANDARIEL HALO

Another week and BOY were you surprised to see me survive! I know the loves my fans have for me only supercedes my own narcissism and complete failure to be a coherent wrestling recapper. But when you have such a tremendous family of fans who send me feedback (all four of you!), you know you have a purpose in doing this; narcissistic congratulations and petty jealousy from mine enemies. To the latter I say; thanks for reading my recap, you ignorant sons of bitches.

Speaking of assholes, here be a video package for TNA's BIGGEST one: THE One, Mister Neo Anderson. Also included, Ric Flair and his bastard children, Kaz and AJ, or should be Kaz and Sty. Also, Samoa Joe and Rob Van Dam, but you didn't tune in to see that shit, did you? /narcissism

Coming out now, it's AJ Styles and a bunch of heels. Basically, some failure, Beer Money, and Frankie Kazarian. AJ does not look amused, whereas James Storm is perfectly alright grinning to the camera and showing off his beer. Conspicuously missing from such shots is Ric Flair! Thank you, The Taz, for pointing that out. AJ Styles then conspicuously mentions Flair's absence. Without Flair, AJ shall take control of the situation. What is the situation, I ask? AJ says "What is the situation, you ask?" and I indeed confirm as such.

The situation is an 8-man tag team match set up for later tonight. Ah, I see, it will be Beer Money, AJ Styles, and Kaaz vs some faces

Being the Rhodes scholar that AJ is, he knows that an 8-man tag is actually two teams of four men... which either points to my sanity or TNA's effect on me that I spent the next 10 minutes thinking he said it was four teams of two men. Still, I'm impressed AJ Styles could keep track of that much math all at once. I sure as hell didn't in the rough draft of this recap.

Speaking of math, he mentions that they have FIVE men in the ring, and FIVE men does not work. After all, how many Beatles were there? FOUR. How many Fantastic Four? FOUR. And the Four Horsemen? FOUR.

Dethklok is not amused

So rather than take the chance of becoming the world's seventh largest economy, AJ throws Kaz out, just like that. Kaz vehemently disagrees, to absolutely no surprise whatsoever, when then Ric Flair's music hits, and OUT COMES... INVERTED RIC FLAIR with dark skin, dark hair, and light clothes.

Oh wait, it's Jay Lethal. Thank you, THE PROFESSOR MIKE TENAY! I did not recognize him, the illusion is uncanny! AJ says "THAT'S NOT FUNNY! THAT'S NOT FUNNY! STOP DOING THAT!" but Ric--I mean, Jay--does not. DID HE hear AJ Styles was in charge? No, he is not the man, he can never be The Man, the Nature BOYYYY. As far as AJ is concerned, he's looking at GOD right now. Silly Lethal, God isn't black!

He mentions his shoes cost 500 dollars, his jacket cost a bunch, and AJ should be ashamed of what he's wearing, which is probably some Wal-Mart brand thing. Lethal says he'll never be him, because he's the 16 TIME, 16 TIME, 16 TIME, WORLD---

WORLDS CHAMPION! That big gap was devoted to you imagining Black Ric Flair pulling off his jacket and elbow dropping it. Tonight, there is definitely a clusterfuck tag team match. It's no secret he specializes in big men, so he got himself the Nookie Monster Abyss. Some jabs at Desmond Wolfe about Chelsea.

Lethal starts introducing more men for his team. This includes the man so "nice" they named him "twice", Mister Anderson Anderson. With a team of three men, AJ can't win, because they'd likely get dropped for lack of a fourth man thus ending it in a no contest. But whatever, we'll let GOD claim as such, that AJ can't win because he has a ring full of scrubs. AJ points out that he has all these guys behind him (except Kaz, the fag) but Lethal says Abyss counts as two men. Because he's big and all, see?

So then Lethal jumps over the ropes and tackles down AJ and someone else, and they all come in to be beaten on by the heels. Completely (un)surprisingly, HERE IS JEFF HARDY'S MUSIC AND HE RUNS DOWN FROM THE CROWD to ambush James Storm and everyone else.

And let me just pause this here. They had FIVE men in the ring, the heels did. They could have picked ANY one of them to be the stooge who stands out on the bottom of the ramp, waiting for Jeff to come down that way, only to be SWERVED and have Jeff sneak in through the crowd.

ANd they chose Desmond Wolfe to be the stooge who utterly fails in his duty as sentry. Just saying.

Speaking of failure, Desmond gets his ass dumped into the ring by Hardy before he can do anything to even remotely touch Hardy. The heels point and yell on the ramp, while hte faces point and laugh.

SPeaking of pointing and laughing, here be THE BRIAN KENDRICK in a backstage video with lots of big SAT words being used by him. He's apparently going to steal Raven's gimmick, as he points out that his father was a paranoid schizophrenic and his mother was a genius and he has come to take the X title for his greater purpose. He then thanks us for our time.

Raven you ain't, but you're sexy so I'll forgive you man on the television I am talking to.

Random Commercial-area Thoughts: G

Speaking of sexy, it's Brian Kendrick coming to the ring. Apparently The Taz graduated from University of Brooklyn, and helpfully translates for us the stuff Kendrick said, which involves passing a kidney stone. Thank you for destroying the sex. I suppose that's why Taz spent 8 years in college; he was too For Real.

Brian Kendrick vs Homicide

Before the match starts, TEH DOUGLAS WILLIAMS comes out to his noisy music to... go to the commentator's table and be with them. TEH DOUGLAS apologizes for insulting Michael Tenay by not shaking his hand. Tenay points out he didn't shake his hand TWICE, and gave him a little of the old 'fuck you', so Douglas Williams politely appeals to allow him to insult Mike again. Quite classy, I think. Fuck Britain; we gonna beat you in the World Cup.

Speaking of performing monkeys (Douglas's words) Homicide beats on Brian Kendrick, dominating him in a lockup, then punching him up, and choking him on the second rope. TEH DOUGLAS remarks that his time tagging with Brian Kendrick was odd, as he was a bit insane, and a lunatic, and Mike Tenay adds the EVEN WORSE accusation; HE'S A LONER! GOOD GOD!

Speaking of gorillas at the zoo (Douglas's words), Homicide AGAIN picks up the offense on Kendrick, reversing some sloppy kicks by Kendrick, absorbing some sloppy elbow strikes, and pulls something off of Kendrick. He tries a Gringo Killer, but Kendrick slips out, and gets knocked on his ass when he tries to run at Homicide at the turnbuckle.

Homicide picks him up for a T-Bone suplex, then taunts for momentum boost. He saves his special for a Signature Move point, and goes for a pin gets 2. Now Homicide puts Kendrick in the corner and smooshes him with his boot. Homicide then picks him up so he can wiggle about, and be mocked by Homicide as he does a big slam on him and pin gets 2. The Taz says Kendrick is showing a lot of heart.

Homicide tries a snapmare but Kendrick kicks him off, then tries to pick him up, and tosses him into the turnbuckle. Now Brian Kendrick beats on him, thent ries to irish whip him away but Homicide reverses him into the turnbuckle, then snapmares him susccessfully, and untapes his own wrist, to try to choke a bitch, but the referee takes it away, so Homicide does the obvious thing by untaping his OTHER wrist to choke a bitch.

The referee is not amused by these SHENANIGANS but does nothing about it because he's a moron. This allows Kendrick to get an advantage in kicking Homicide in the head and knocking him out of the ring. He then starts "pounding" his head on the ramp, but he was quite obviously holding his hand up to catch Homicide's head. THANK YOU FOR DESTROYING THE ILLUSION, CAMERAMAN!

Speaking of destruction, Homicide pulls a toolbox out of the bottom, and empties it out. He can choose between a hammer or a wrench. Since he's probably Puerto Rican and doesn't know a decent day's work, he chooses the one that looks most like a prison shank and tries to shank Kendrick in the ring. The Referee takes it away, and somehow falls over trying to hold onto it. Kendrick pulls a John Cena out of nowhere.

WINNAR: The Brian Kendrick

Backstage, security is holding back Team 3D and Inkink from yelling and brawling backstage.

Random Commercial-area Thoughts: Save your work often; you never know when a Lebanese man is going to break in and rape you

In the ring now is Ink Inc, and Jesse Neal calling out Team 3Dicles, or more specifically Brother Ray Deadly. Team 3D rushes out, with security guards standing in their way. They eventually let them in but flood into the ring. Bruter Ray says he's here to tuak, tuak. Another thing, he wonders about what the dealy was with him putting cards on him. Why so serious? Bruther wonders why he's turned into a punk, wonders what the hell he means by cards, and wonders why he thinks he's better and bigger and badder than Brother Ray.

Let him remind him he's Brother Ray, one fo the most legit tuff guys in the wrestling bidness. He brought him in, he can take him out. Jesse says he always gave him respect and credit and such, and Ray says he doesn't need any of that shit, cos Jesse's a nobody. THINK ABOUT THIS; before he came to Team 3D, he was JESSE FAIL, or rather says he was a Failure in the Navy. This sets him off because he's an idiot, and gets security to hold him back. Brother Ray says if he has his way at Slammiversary, JESSE FAIL will emerge at Slammiversary, a failure in the wrestling business.

Shannon starts wigging out, so Brother says if he has something to say, say it bitch. SHannon says his little Mormon book or whatever says he's a bully and a douchebag. HURRDURRR HURTFUL WORDS. Shannon is not black. Here be a REAL black man to threaten Shannon, saying Jesse gets a pass because they trained him, but Devon NEVER liked Shannon from the git-go, and then turns on Bruther Ray and says he needs to get his head on straight and leave Jesse Neal alone.

Devon then leaves, so Ray can start shit with Neal. And before I could even finish typing that, Bruther Ray beats Jesse in the head and runs like a bitch. Good stuff.

Random Commercial-area Thoughts: Years ago, I climbed the mountains, even though it was forbidden. But things are not as they teach us. For the world is hollow and I have touched the sky.

IN A SPIKE TV EXCLUSIVE we... have a match from TNA Sacrifice being aired. I need to consult my Qur'an to decide if I am to recap this or not.

Anyway, Sting attacked Jarrett before the match with a baseball bat, bloodying him. TRANSITION GRAPHIC and now Sting is beating on him in a different part of the backstage area, doing a move which really does look destructive to the shoulder, putting Jarrett's left arm behind his back, sliding his baseball bat under it, and yanking it up hard. TRANSITION GRAPHIC and now we are at ringside with Sting slamming Jarrett around the metal guardrails.

TRANSITION GRAPHIC and now Jarrett has steel steps put on top of him, and Sting puts Jarrett's arm up through the cleavage of it, and stomps on it some. Sting continues his Orlando Jordan-type offense of attackinhg only Sting's arm, and HOLY FUCKING SHIT move as Sting basically irish whips Jarrett INTO the apron, and he fucking FLIPS through the ropes into the ring. Bell finally rings.

TNA Sacrifice flashback
Sting vs Jeff Jarrett

Scorpion Death Drop and pin.

WINNAR: Sting

POINTLESS TRANSITION GRAPHIC and Sting now stands over Jarrett all like "You wanna play the deception game? You're no different than 'Those Guys' Jeff" and Tenay says just when we expected more answers from Sting, we get more questions. It's answering the question of 5.6x - 14y = 42 and then being asked "What is the difference between the Heat Death of the Universe and the Big Freeze?" as a followup.

Also, Hulk Hogan comes out all angrypants at Sting for beating on Sting more and Sting just laughs. Then he leaves.

TRANSITION GRAPHIC and now Jeff Jarrett is being loaded into the ambulance while Sting stands back and yells IT DIDNT HAVE TO BE THIS WAY JEFF! and HOGAN YOU SEE THIS BLOOD ON MY HANDS? THIS BLOOD ISNT ON MY HANDS; IT'S ON YOURS! And then Hogan was Sting.

Backstage, Matt Morgan wants to know who their partner is for Slammiversary to Bischoff and random tit-implants with a face. They have good news for Morgan; they are not gonna have to wait for Slammiversary, for Hulk Hogan is waiting for him at the ramp with his partner and his rematch, his partner back from the dead. Morgan says NO WAY HE'S HERE no way no way oh God. Hernande-- I mean, I wonder who.

In true TNA style, we get a stylized video package recap of WHAT THEY JUST SHOWED US: THE "MATCH" BETWEEN STING AND JARRETT AND THE AFTERMATH! HOORAY FOR TNA TIMEWASTING! Also comments from Jeff Jarrett at home talking about the usual generic things.

Out comes Hulk Hogan now after Morgan's entrance, mocking Morgan's complaining, talking about them backstabbing all their partners, and then says "DOES VIVA LA RAZA MEAN ANYTHING TO YOU?" Make of that what you will. Considering Bischoff said "Back from the dead" I had a whole Eddie Guerrero bit prepared, too.

TNA Tag Team Championships
The Band (C) vs Matt Morgan and Hernandez

Hernandez apparently misunderstands the rules of a tag team match as he dives onto Morgan and begins beating on him outside the ring. Matt Morgan is Hernandez's partners. Hulk Hogan seems not to mind. DOES THIS BIG FAT SPIC NOT UNDERSTAND THAT THEY WILL LOSE THE TAG TEAM TITLES THIS WAY?! There's no reasoning with what us hispanics call "tirafletchas". Hernandez beats Morgan into the ring, and now chokes him up with his dirty tanktop and such.

Now Morgan is on the ground all dead and such and Hernandez just leaves. Hulk Hogan wails about making a match at Slammiversary between Hernandez and Morgan while security comes with an orange surfboard to roll Morgan onto it.

The nWo finally find Scott Hall and come out as a group to get this ULTRA EPIC MATCH started. The ring bells to start it. The security guards also saw fit to STRAP MORGAN to the surfboard with blue stuff on it. Eric Young pinwins.

WINNAR: the nWo

Backstage, Rob Van Dam being interviewing of for by Christy Hemme. She asks him generic questions and he gives generic answers, saying there's a reason HE'S world champion and not him. Speaking of something or whatever, Sting appears from behind and whallops him in the back with a baseball bat. Then he snaps his neck and gets him on teh ground punching him with rights and lefts and such. He then jacks the foo's belt.

Random Commercial-area Thoughts:

 

When we come back REPLAY OF WHAT JUST HAPPENED followed by people crowding around him while he sits upright, and asks where his belt is. Then he just no-sells all the beating and goes to find Sting and his belt.

Kurt Angles comes out, to tell people that at Slammiversary, his first victim in the Top Ten Jobber list will be destroyed. Angle then says he invites his friend out to wrestle him tonight, the GREATEST X DIVISION wrestler ever, and told him not to hold back, to throw everything at him, even the kitchen sink. Who is this grand master of the X Division, the BEST and GREATEST of thema ll? Samoa Joe? AJ Styles? Curry Man?

Kurt Angle vs The Amazing Red

... The fuck you think

WINNAR: Kurt Angle

Backstage, Sting is laying around somewhere, talking to the cameraguy about his championship belt thing, and how he's gonna own it this Sunday. The veil will be lifted from everyone's eyes this Sunday, because the word of the month is DECEPTION---which he painted onto RVD's belt.

WHAT DECEPTION WITH WHO AND WHERE AND WHERE DID THIS ENTIRE IDEA COME UP FROM AND WHERE WAS ITS JUSTIFICATION?!

It's like a murder mystery with no body, no murder weapon, no suspect, no motive, no victim, not even a report or an official investigation.

Random Commercial-area Thoughts: I just remembered now that "RE:" in e-mails means "Regarding"

Video flashback recap thing of TNA, touting it being 8 years of TNA, calling it an INCREDIBLE SUCCESS STORY!~! Dixie Carter says they've grown TNA one fan at a time. Hulk Hogan says they've grown consistently over the eight years, and every TNA match is a main event match. Which given Hogan's WCW history, is probably the most accurate thing he's ever said of TNA.

Recap then goes over the RVD and Sting match stuff, with generica ahoy.

Speaking of Fingerpokes of Doom, it's main event time~!

Beer Money and AJ Styles and Failure vs Jeff Hardy and Abyss and Anderson Anderson and Jay Lethal

It starts with Lethal and Roode, with Roode clobbering a BOY's back, but then Jay takes the initiative, so Roode keeps a brutha down with punches and such. He irish whips but Lethal reverses, bounces off the ropes in a frontflip thingy, then slams back into him. He then grabs ROode's arm and wrenche sit, backs in to tag in Abyss. Abyss grabs Roode and slams him into the turnbuckle and punches him up. Abyss bounces Roode from one turnbuckle to another, but his slam misses and now James Storm is tagged in for some double teaming.

BUT THAT FAILS and Abyss gets them both for a double chokeslam but they kick him and bounce off the ropes right into Abyss's double clothesline. Abyss now armwrenches Storm and tags in Neo. Anderson Anderson double axe handles Storm's arm, then wrenches it, and pulls Storm in for shoulderblocks. Zzz, I mean! He tags in Hardy now so he can arm wrench James Storm and such. He then tags in Anderson Anderson.

Anderson then gets on the second rope to do a PROPER double axe handle on Storm's arm. Then he tags in Hardy so he can get on the second rope and do a double axe handle on his arm. Then just to do something else, Hardy puts Storm in another corner and gets for some 10 punches on him, then snapmares him down, and pin gets 2. Storm then bops him in the face and tags in Desmond Wolfe.

Desmond does some stuff, which honestly just looks like he bumped against Hardy. He then tries an irish whip but Hardy reverses it. Desmond somehow manages to keep locked onto Harvey's hand and pushes him in the Heel corner so AJ Styles can be tagged in to shoulderblock him a bunch, then taunt teh faces. He then grabs Hardy, picks him up for a scoop slam, and slowly goes to do a jumping knee-punch thing on Hardy's prone form. He then pinwins Hardy, but the referee considers it only gets 2.

AJ then picks Hardy up with a chinlock, and keeps his ass dropped. But since this isn't WWE Randy Orton, and a green-haired, white-faced Hardy gets up, and forces AJ to elbow him in the back to break it up. Desmond Wolfe gets tagged in and does a taunt to fill his broken momentum meter, and picks Hardy up to irish whip into the turnbuckle, and Beer Money's combined boots.

Wolfe picks up the Joker's head and puts him in the turnbuckle, and irish whips him but FAILURE SPREADS and Fail gets whipped into Beer Money's bootsies. The heels get massive butthurt and start pounding on Heff Hardy, and James Storm somehow pins Hardy gets 2. he then tags in Robert Roode somehow because he was never tagged in anyway, and they double suplex Hardy.

They then do a Beer Money taunt for massive momentum boost, and Roode chokes Hardy as Abyss turncoats by distracting the referee. Roode then slams a knee drop on Hardy and pin gets 2. He then pushes Hardy's head on the ropes to choke him a bit, then distracts the referee as Desmond Wolfe beats on Hardy's throat. Then Roode does a catapult thin with Hardy's throat on the rope, and pin gets 2. They then pull on Hardy with Beer Money now double teaming them stuff, but then Roode leaves and Storm puts Hardy in a headlock, with Hardy pushing himself to the corner to tag, and the referee somehow doesn't see it and Lethal runs in to black it up before the Man pushes him back down.

AJ now beats on Hardy some, but then Hardy fights back only to get gimped in the face by AJ, but then Hardy reverses some shiit with a jawbreaker. AJ tries to grab his leg, for the blatantly obvious enzuigiri. Lethal then gets tagged in for reals, yo, and starts house of firebombing everyone, including a bit back body drop on AJ Styles, and then a big-ass back-drop-into-a-cutter, and pin gets 2 as Wolfe comes in to DDT Lethal for the fail. Anderson Anderson superkicks him out, Jeff Harvey twist of fates Roode, and Abyss chokeslams Roode. Desmond Wolfe then generic clotheslines Abyss, which they call a DEVASTATING LARIAT!

Wolfe squeals at Chelsea to give him the steel chair she's sitting on, but she seems to be well aware that his dumbfuck ass will lose the whole match if he does, so she hesitates, only for him to jerk it away and have Abyss punch it through his face. Since he is a failure, the referee doesn't even disqualify Abyss. Some random shit happens and AJ Styles Clashes's Jay Lethal for a pinwin. Random close-up of Anderson Anderson with blood coming out his nose.

WINNAR: The Heels

Backstage, Sting randomly Raven's it up with wild cackling and talking about deception and showing off his jacked belt. After commercials, RVD is wandering around and Sting ambushes him to reintroduce him to his debut, what where with when he was completely buried by Sting only this time it's backstage. Rob Van Dam manages to jab Sting in the guts with a lamp, and takes advantage of him some, including throwing him through a rack of clothes, then uses the top bar of it to choke Sting.

Now Sting wanders about backstage as Rob Van Dam slowly follows, holding his head and such. Sting gets kicked and suddenly we're treated to a wiggly screen with a cameraguy running down the opposite hall that the two are fighting in. Rob Van Dam now in control with the beatings. Sting then gains some control to slam Rob Van Dam on metal railings, coming out into the arena area. Now they fight on the ramp, and Sting somehow falls into the ring despite not being thrown or hit into it.

Now Rob Van takes Sting's trenchcoat and tries to use it to choke him. Rob Van Dam then gets a steel chair from somewhere, while Sting crawls to a corner to lay against a turnbuckle and try to get up. Rob Van Dam props the chair between two turnbuckles and Van Dam tries to irish whip him but they bounce about in reversals, then an elbow and a superkick by Van Dam on Sting. Rob Van tries to pick him up but Sting chucks him into the steel chair.

He plays dead and Sting pulls it out to smack Rob Van Dam with. Then he takes the title belt and gets a microphone to be all like "SEE THIS RIGHT HERE THIS IS DECEPTION; IT'S YOURS UNTIL SUNDAY" and gives him the belt back.

TNA YAY: The tag team match was fun. Also, me getting to skip that Angle vs Jobber match was fun for me.

TNA BOO: That post-show beating between Sting and Rob Van Dam was too fucking long.

TNA WTF: TNA'S VERSION OF A "HELL IN A CELL" AND/OR "ELIMINATION CHAMBER" MATCH... ENDS IN A FUCKING DISQUALIFICATION!?

Bonus "Creative" Award for the most "Special" Writing Team in Wrestling Today: Eric Bischoff and Hulk Hogan cannot fire Ric Flair because he was hired before Hogan and Bischoff were. They then proceed to fire Bobby Lashley and Mick Foley, both of whom were hired before Hogan and Bischoff were.

A round of very special applause for the very special writing team. Keep sharp objects away from them.

You've just been Halonic Death Ray'd, and like I say every week, if I'm not back within two or three weeks, consider me dead.

Feedback if you want: phenomynouss@hotmail.com

Andariel Halo is a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. She can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. She translates ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees. Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, Andy once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. Children trust her. She knows the exact location of every dairy item in the supermarket. She has performed covert operations for the CIA. She's in bed every day, but sleeps once a week, OH! The laws of physics do not apply to her. One time, she shot her friend in the back of the head with a BB gun, and placed all blame on him.

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TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).