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This week I realized I have never missed a TNA iMPACT recap. AND THEY ALWAYS GET GREATER EVERY WEEK!

This week's episode is brought to you by Arkatov soundboard, wrongly called Latin Guy!

We get for intro video thing a music thing with a video recap of Ken Kennedy being all "AYHOLE"-y, BAFFLING Jeff Hardy with his CRAZY ANTICS. Is a sudden and unjustified face-turn really all that confusing? ALSO, covering Sting and Rob Van Dam's antics!

I have to wonder exactly where "FTW 13" fits in as a nickname or whatever for The Taz, compared to Mike Tenay's "The Professor". It's literally just putting two random phrases associated with Taz together. Like if you'd had Stone Cold Steve Austin and have under him "DTA 316". It WOULD make more sense to use "Texas Rattlesnake" but come on... it's TNA. CHINATOWN!

Meanwhile, here be Sting coming into the ring, saying NOT EVERYTHING IS AS IT SEEMS! There's a lot of Smoke and Mirrors going on here. TITLE NAME DROP! It's almost like everything is a little Hollywood, NO PUN INTENDED. Huh? He says things that are black are really white and things that are white are really... wait for it... black! Wow, that was really thoughtful, but not really. He says he will make his meanings known at some point.

To the matter at hand, Slammiversary. Hogan and Carter and Bischoff wanted CHAAANGE and there's gonna be CHAAAANGE. Sting says no hard feelings Robbie, cos he's just in the way for his World Championship, and when he wins, everyone's true colors will be exposed.

... Now I know we give a lot of shit to TNA for not making sense at all, but with this kind of shit, I literally feel like I've only just started watching TNA today and I missed the last TWO MONTHS of stuff. This is noteworthy because as I mentioned above, I HAVEN'T MISSED A SINGLE FUCKING RECAP IN MORE THAN A WHOLE FUCKING YEAR SINCE I STARTED!

The lights go down and a completely random video plays showing Sting killshitting people. Speaking of people, here's one of them; Eric Bischoff on crutches. He's all like you talk about smoke and mirrors and true colors, here be Sting's true colors. He's not the man he thought he knew. He thinks he's tried to convince peopel for so long that he's some kind of superhero that he's come to believe it himself. He says Sting's just a man hiding behind a mask.

Let me stop and say Sting doesn't wear a mask. He's wearing facepaint.

He says a superhero doesn't use a baseball bat or put his hands on the throat of a woman who gave him opportunities and such. SUPERMAN WOULD!

Anyway, Bischoff keeps whining and bitching and says the difference between Sting and Hogan/Bischoff is Sting puts himself before the company and the fans, and Hogan/Bischoff apparently don't. So they gonna put Sting in a match RIGHT NOW and his opponent is standing behind him, and people chant "JOE'S GONNA KILL YOU" so clearly it's not Kaz.

Sting vs Samoa Joe

Joe ambushes him and killshits him from behind, but since Bischoff gave this almost no thought at all, here be Matt Morgan to rush in and killshit Joe. WINNAR BY DAIRY QUEEN: Sting

Sting and Morganite beat on Joe when Rob Van Dam's music hits and he sort of jogs out to go run around in the ring then jumpkick Morgan. He then gets on the top rope and gives the absolute worst and sloppiest jumping kick to Morgan off the apron I've ever seen. Bischoff reappears and says this match is gonna CONTINUE later on tonight, in a tag team action, with Samoa Joe and Rob Van Dam vs Sting and Matt Morgan. THE PLOT THICKENS maybe.

Rob Van Dam says he should make it a four way match, which is TOTALLY the right thing to say when your "partner" is standing in the ring next to you, looking about ready to kill someone. Bischoff says he'll need to check with Hogan, so Hogan comes out just now.

Since Rob Van Dam won the TNA title, he's raised the bar SKY HIGH and such, and Hogan says they know that he's the whole EFFing show, bruther, and since you're the champ you get some stroke, bruther. Stroke stroke stroke stroke stroke. So that being etcetera, he got his way, dewd, it's a four way.

Random Commercial-area Thoughts: A

Backstage, Christy Hemme wonders what is bothering AJ Styles. WHAT'S BOTHERING HIM?! That he's in a threeway match with a bunch of jobbers nowhere near the main event, that's wh--- I mean, that he's in a threeway with Jay Lethal and KAAZ! Speaking of KAAZ, here he be as Ric Flair walks in to comfort AJ, then Kaz follows a moment later all thanking Flair and such. Ric then leaves with Kaz, and Kaz says thank you for this awesome watch, man. AJ stares in disbelief.

... okay, I think I really AM missing something. Out comes this obese female wrestler, whom I've never ever seen before, then they mention how we've never seen Daffney around because this obese female wrestler wrestled her and apparently injured her. They then present video footage of this. I don't even need to question my stupidity as to if I forgot this because I have ALL my recaps saved since i started and NOT ONCE have I ever seen or heard of her.

Also, live with this image: on the thread about her at WrestleZone.com, the majority of the posters there think she's hot and one had the AUDACITY to claim that 3/4ths of the iMPACTZone, MALE AND FEMALE had RAGING BONERS for her. Are you ABSOLUTELY SERIOUS. Awesome Kong replacement, this ain't.

Rosey (sic) Lotta Love vs Roxxi Laveaux

So it starts with Roxxi very easily dodging the fat piece of shit, and her literally turning slow as a truck. She then fats up and bumps Roxxi with her fatness, then scoop slams her. She then irish whips Roxxi into the turnbuckle, stumps about a bit, probably from knee pains and fatness, then she runs slowly into the turnbuckle, continuing to slam her butt into it long after Roxxi dodges.

Roxxi gets up and starts punching and kicking and dropkicks and fatass STILL no-sells---I mean, is SO MASSIVE she does not get knocked down! Madison Rayne randomly appears to knock Roxxi in the back with the title belt, then squeal at Rosey, who yells at her, then goes around to pin Roxxi but gets rolled up and winned.

WINNAR: Roxxi Laveaux

Madison gets into the ring to squeal and yell at Rosey, and Rosey faces-it up with all two-handed Chokeslamming Madison and leaving. Awesome Kong you ain't.

AT RINGSIDE, Jay Bee interviews Rosey Lotta Love. She says The Beautiful People think they can come out here and take out etcetera, but she, referred to in the third person, is big, bad, and certainly beautiful. Even leaving aside how corpulent she is, she is not very attractive. Maybe it's the makeup. Or the fatness.

Random Commercial-area Thoughts: Is "Kung Fu Kid" just TOO hard of a sell that they need to slap the "Karate Kid" label on it, and then have all the trailers say "KUNG FU! KUNG FU! KUNG FU! KUNG FU! KUNG FU!"?

AJ Styles vs Kazarian vs Jay Lethal w/ Completely different music from the past few weeks

AJ slips out of the ring so Lethal can quick schoolboy KAZ but it fails miserably, so they bounce around on the ropes so Lethal can irish whip him into a corner, beat on him, irish whip him again and do a flippy-dippy thing and cartwheel, only for AJ to run in and clothesline him. He then irish whips Lethal into the turnbuckle, yells THIS IS HOW ITS DONE, RIC, then tries a Superhero choppy thing on Lethal but Lethal moves and he misses.

Lethal then catches a rebounding AJ for his move-thing and KAAZ dropkicks Lethal and yells at Ric I SAVED HIM AGAIN and AJ's like I WAS SLIPPING as in out of Lethal's grasp. Lethal takes advantage by grasping KAAZ's head and running at AJ to double bulldog them. He then pins AJ gets 2. He then bounces off the ropes to run at AJ, gets back dropped onto the apron, and tries to Sunset Flip Lethal, but KAAZ pushes AJ away, and catches Lethal with a cutta.

AJ is ANGRYPANTS now and snatches Lethal away to backbreaker him. KAAZ is like WATCH THIS and picks Lethal up, irish whips, and does some weirdy flippy Monkey flip thing, and he bounces about all like DID YOU SEE THAT?! THAT WAS COOL and AJ says NO IT WASN'T and KAAZ says YOU SUCK. They then yell at each other when they try to irish whip Lethal at the same time, so Jay Lethal beats them both off, dropkicks them, and goes for AJ but AJ catches him with a headscissor takedown and gets to his feet.

AJ says I GOT THIS to Flair, and grabs Jay Lethal and says WE'RE ON THE SAME TEAM to Kaz, and they both try completely different moves on Jay Lethal, adding to the failure. AJ yells at him, about not communicating. HJe then says THIS IS HOW ITS DONE and slams Jay Lethal facefirst into the corner, then says as he gets onto the apron I'M GONNA SPRINGBOARD ONTO HIM. He tries it, and KAAZ sleazily leans back on the ropes, causing AJ to fall. Jay Lethal gets up, shoves AJ into KAAZ into the turnbuckle, then rolls AJ Up.

WINNAR: Jay Lethal

The conversation AJ and Kaz were having was more fun than the actual match. It's like two kids playing a three way match in TNA iMPACT the video game yelling at each other while trying to double team the computer.

Ric Flair gets in, to yell at AJ, saying he needs to go home, regroup, and decide what he wanna be cos he's not in Ric Flair's good graces, all the while Kaz bounces around behind Flair's back, mocking him and such. AJ says when Ric Flair gives you that gift, you don't drop the ball, brother. AJ is angrypants and leaving, while Ric says GO HOME.

Speaking of which, I remember the last time we went home with AJ Styles and saw his family and such. It was rather humorous.

Speaking of such, here be Kurt Angle, magically rising from a magic platform at the top of the ramp, with random pyrotechnics, to stare at AJ Styles. Styles seems to not comprehend this and is all like "THIS AND NOW YOU! I DONT NEED THAT" and leaves. Angle then comes tot he ring... NEXT!

Random Commercial-area Thoughts: I actually complain about this very thing often, but even I think this is just stupid

Speaking of stupid, here be these people in the ring, with Kurt Angle all like "Kazarian" and such, he says he came out here to show his respect before he makes him his first victim. He likes his opponent to know what he's gonna do with them. For instance, tomorrow morning he'll get up nice and early take a walk down over to the bank and walk in and see Kaz and if he don't have his money for him, he'll crack his fuckin' head wide open in front of everybody at the bank. And just about the time that he's coming out of jail, hopefully Kaz'll be coming out of his coma and guess what? He'll split his fuckin' head open again 'cuz he's fuckin' stupid, he don't give a fuck about jail.

That would have been more awesome. Unfortunately, Angle doesn't say anything near as awesome, and says at SLAMMIVERSARY it starts with him. So no wresu tonight. Ric Flair says "You realize you just walked by me in the ring, without even saying 'how you doin, champ?'" and such, and he came to Angle when he first started in the business and said he wanted his son Reid to be just like him, the greatest amateur wrestler in the US and such. He took his pride and joy, his youngest son, when he was 12 years old, and said "Kurt, make him a man" and Kurt said "I would be glad to"

Ric Flair's son respects him, and also told him that no one has caught on as fast and gotten as great as Ric Flair, so he's made it clear how he feels about Kurt. But tonight, TNA new place new day, he doesn't feel Angle and this ain't amateur wrestler, this is now MY world, and whatever ANgle was as an amateur, Ric Flair is ten times as much. Whatever Angle is in wrestling, Ric Flair is GOD. He need Shawn Michael respect, he need Hulk Hogan respect, he need Sting respect, etcetera.

So until he feel that all coming back his way from Kurt Angle, hit it, just like AJ. OH SHIIIITS NIGGA. Like he said, GOD GOD GOD, this ain't amateur wrestling, Ric's been world champion more times than he's been down with different women, so hit it, just like AJ. Don't make him take off his sport coat. OHHHH says the crowd. WOOOO says the Flair. Kurt Angle goes to leave, but Flair is like I GOT A BETTER IDEA and such, but not shouting, just talking. He says HE will leave first, Angle hold the rope. THEN they might be on the same page.

In case you're stupid, I'll let you know, Angle holds the rope for him, then PAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAOOOUNCCC-SUHHHH's him from behind, tossing him off the ramp onto the concrete below. KAAZ freaks out and tosses ANgle in the ring. Angle just punches him up and Kaaz leaves the ring in a terror. Angle' smusic hits, which means no more fighting.

BACKSTAGE Matt Morgan talks to Sting all like the one thing he can trust about us is that we will do anything to win a world title, so what we're proposing is that they act somewhat like a team and let the chips fall where they may. Sting just leaves.

Random Commercial-area Thoughts: What's an WWENXT?

AJ Styles backstage has a temper tantrum, talking to himself about how he's the best wrestler in the world. So he's gonna kill Jay Lethal... gonna tell Bischoff he wants Jay Lethal at Slammiversary. Call the police. We got a conspiracy to commit murder ON TAPE.

Video package thing for Anderson Anderson and Jeff Hardy, a storyline I could care more about if it were someone other than Ken Anderson.

In the ring now is Christy Hemme, to introduce Anderson Anderson who has a big announcement. He was looking forward to a Katie Couric style interview with Hemme, but he's busy staring at Christy Hemme's tits. Zzzzzz. She has to smack his head up, but it keeps drifting down to her tits, then back to her ass. She asks what I ask, "Really?" but mine in more of a tone of "You are wasting my time. I want to see wrestling or wrestling-related stuff, and you are someone who cannot wrestle and who has charisma, but for whatever reason hits all the wrong spots involving me." He's like the Dane Cook of wrestling.

So the announcement is he will team with Jeff Hardy against Beer Money. If you wanted a recap of Anderson Anderson's announcement thing, do not read my recaps. Please, don't, I don't want to hear it.

So Jeff Hardy comes out and mumbles up with talking about Anderson Anderson, and says this is the funniest asshole he has ever met, and out of all the guys in TNA, this is the craziest other than him. I think Doctor Stevie got fired and Raven just left. Neo says he is a CHEAP asshole, too, so it's bee why oh bee. Speaking of beer, here be Beer Money.

They come out, mock Neo as being Hardy's BFF, and Roode indeeds points out that these two people in the ring are indeed Jeff Hardy and Mister Anderson Anderson. He then asks what any of them know about tag team wrestling.

Before I can pull out the DUH card, he brings up Matt Hardy, and says HE carried Jeff the whole time, and they both sucked anyway. It's not about looking cool or being cool, being friends in and out of the ring. It's about being like brothers, like he and James Storm, about putting egos aside and such, whereas these two are a mistmatch; Jeff's a moron, and Anderson's a... I would have said idiot, but he chose "asshole"

So in all seriousness what makes them think they can step in the same ring as Beer Money at Slammiversary?!

Kennedy Kennedy says "Why is your hair always frickin wet?" Ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.... He then steals a joke from someone, I forgot who, who says only two people wear sunglasses indoors, blind people and jackoffs.

Actually, I think I remember Anderson Anderson said this to someone many months ago that was reported on the WRESTLING DIRT SHEETZ

Storm laughs at Anderson and says he has a stand-up comedy act of his own. He then beats the fucking shit out of Anderson, while Roode beats up Hardy. Security breaks them all up, but Storm drags Hardy out to beat on him, so Anderson can attack him.

Random Commercial-area Thoughts: It takes someone really fucking stupid who thinks they may have accidentally beaten someone to death, then run to their car, then see the person get up and yell at them in the rearview mirror, and then decide to PUT THE CAR IN REVERSE AND ACTUALLY KILL THEM instead of fucking driving away.

When we return, it's STILL with the fighting. In TNA fashion, out of buttfuck nowhere, there is a match between James Storm and Jeff Hardy that we would have had no idea of if not for the Tenay off-handedly mentioning it.

James Storm vs Jeff Hardy

They're on the outside fighting, and Jeff Hardy exposes the concrete floor under the mat and monkey flips James Storm onto it. He then bops his back with his forearm, then rolls Storm into the ring. He gets onto the apron, but Storm catches him, and DDT's him into the ring on the mat. He then pin gets 2. Storm holds Jeff on the lower rope and steps on him, then gets out of the ring to kick Hardy in the face. If the sound it made matched the common preconception of what happened, Jeff's neck should have broken in half and splintered.

Instead, he kicks out of a pin gets 2, then gets headlocked by Storm. Hardy knocks out, but Storm keeps running, catches Hardy in a move thing that ends with a standing Rock Bottom thing. Then he pins gets 2. Storm then goes out to fetch a steel chair to use, and REFEREE BRIAN HEBNER snatches it away, and Storm just casually goes back to grapple with Hardy, who gets a jawbreaker on Storm. They then exchange lazy punches. YAAAH BOOOO YAAAH BOO etcetera, then Storm flying clotheslines Jeff, but Hardy clotheslines him more when they get up quickly.

Hardy then sets up a chair and uses it to springboard Poetry in Motion thing on Storm against the turnbuckle. Someone in the audience is either trying to kill a pig, or someone is squealing like a terrified pig. Hardy tries for a Twist of Fate but Storm exits, only to be front suplexed by him. Hardy then crawls to the top turnbuckle, and gets smacked down by Storm to hit his noots on it. Then Storm smacks his chest, and re-positions Harvey's legs so he can gets up top himself, and... completely bomb a hurricanrana attempt. They say Hardy "blocked" it, but he didn't do shit but stay seated.

Hardy jumps on him, and pin gets 2. James Storm is now looking at his beer, drinks some, and shoves the referee away so he can spit it in his face. James Storm then does an Eye of the Storm and pin gets 2. THE STEEL BLUE EYES OF STORM ALL LIKE "WHAT DO I GOTTA DO TO BEAT THIS GUY" says The Taz. Storm grabs the steel chair, the referee tries to stop him, but he uses it, misses Hardy, hits the rope and has it hit himself. Rather than get this disqualified in some odd way, he just ignores it and lets Hardy STEAL the victory with a Kenton Bomb.

WINNAR: Jeff Hardy

Random Commercial-area Thoughts:

Robert Roode vs Anderson Anderson

How creativenot! Tag teams facing each other at pay per view fight individual matches one on one now! They lock up, but why bother? Anderson can't wrestle. Roode easily pushes Kennedy to the turnbuckle, then misses a punch so Anderson can punch him, then they lock up again so they can face off again and Anderson can do the only things he can do---punch and a headlock, then punches in the headlock. Roode shoves him off against the ropes but gets knocked into by Anderson. Anderson then steps on Roode's back and such.

Robert Roode starts punching on him, and goes but gets tripped into the ropes by Anderson. Anderson faggotily runs at him and slams his back into him as he lays on the ropes. Then pin gets 2. Roode slides out of the ring to relax, then gets in the ring while the referee for ABSOLUTELY NO REASON WHATSOEVER tries to STOP Anderson from GETTING INTO THE RING.

Needless to say, Roode kicks Anderson's leg violently. Then starts dominating him in the ring. THANKS REFEREE! Anderson knocks Roode's guts, but Roode snapmares him, then goes over and snaps his neck, all Throwback like, but while he's sitting. He then pin gets 2. Roode chokes Anderson on the bottom rope, then stomps on him, then chokes him with his boot. Then he picks up Anderson to snapmare him, and chinlock him, then put some kind of move like to snap his neck, but Anderson stops.

But since this is not Randy Orton in the WWE, Anderson breaks his way out, and Roode tries a Spinebuster, and Kennedy tries a Mic Check, but Roode escapes, runs, and gets back body dorpped by Anderson Anderson. He thent ries to DVD him, but Roode just sort of grabs at his cheek near his eye, so Anderson drops him, and Anderson gets whipped, and Roode bashes him into a turnbuckle, only for Kennedy to float over him, drop, and try to drop Roode over for a rollup, but Roode just sits on him, and reaches over to hold the ropes for wins.

WINNAR: Robert Roode Post-match comments on the way by Neo and his shitty microphone. He says any man can be beaten on any given day. And he just got beat again. And it seems to him that the only way people can beat him is by using underhanded chicanery and tomfoolery. And the reason they have to do that... is because he can't fucking wrestle so they just want to end the match quick rather than be disqualified for killshitting him too badly.

But instead he says is because he is no mere mortal, but he is Anderson Anderson. Roode mirrors my sentiments with "ALL YOU DO IS TALK"

BACSKTAGE TEH DOUGLAS talks about the X Division doing a disservice to wrestling, and how where he comes from it's about limb manipulation and tying people up. Bondage and such, apparently. Instead, what they do is a 'very selfish, attention-grabbing style' and that does wrestling a disservice to him. GOD FORBID THEY TRY TO ENTERTAIN THE FANS WITH A QUICK SHOW OF COMPETITION INSTEAD OF A 45 MINUTE WRISTLOCK EXCHANGE! No offense intended, you limey white Irish neegrow.

Random Commercial-area Thoughts:

Video recap thing for Abyss and Desmond Wolfe and Orlando Jordan and Rob Terry, all at once! WHY? FOR THIS REASON!

Desmond Fail and Orlando Jordan w/ Jerk-off exercise toy and/ Rob Terry nipple pasties vs Abyss and Big Rob Terry

According to Michael Tenay, Failure prevailed in the American legal system as he got off on the phony assault charges with probation and community service. Failure also prevails here, as Desmond Fail fails to take advantage of Abyss early on, even after Orlando whapped him with the jerk-off toy. Now Fail puts Abyss in a corner and punches him up. Then he wrenches his arm and tags in Orlando Jordan so he can double sledgehammer his arm off the top. Now he's working on the arm. There is his chosen focus for 100% of his offense.

Based on my (anal)ysis, I'm (ass)uming that the w(hole) of Orlando Jordan's (off)ense is just attacking ONE spot of the opponent's body, nonstop, without ever attacking anything else. Abyss gets sick of that shit and knocks Orlando off, smashes him into the corner, then tosses him out of the ring. Orlando lands at the feet of Chelsea, and tries to sell his "I'M NOT GAY, I'M BISEXUAL" by staring at her, flirting, and touching her. She smacks him. It's rather hard to take a flirtation of that sort seriously when he's wearing nipple pasties of the partner of her slave master.

Speaking of not taking things seriously, Desmond Fail rushes up and yells so loudly, the entire arena seems to have gone silent so he can be heard, all like "WHA'RE YEW DOING LOOKI AH ER! THAS MY GIRL! WO AH YEW DOING SLAPPIN IM! I DONNO IF HE LOIKS YEW OR HE LOIKS ME BUH OI DEW KNOW YEW SLAPPIN HIM MEANS---" Then Abyss attacks him from behind, beating on the failure on the outside, including slamming him on the metal guardrails.

In the ring meantime, tag team rules are gone as Big Roid attacks Orlando and pins him for wins him.


VIDEO RECAP of the Jesse Neal and Team 3D thing. Bruther Devon says he don't want this to be a war between Ray and Jess, and he doesn't want to be caught up in the middle of it.

Random Commercial-area Thoughts: I'm not supposed to think during commercials


Nontitle THE BLUEPRINT OF FAILURE MATT MORGAN vs Sting vs Samoa Joe vs Rob Van Dam (C)

It starts with Joe and Morgan in the ring and Sting and Dam outside the ring. Joe punchers up on Morgan in the ring, then irish whip reversed, Morgan hits the turnbuckle and Joe hits him, then kicks him in the head. Sting attacks Rob Van Dam outside with generic brawling, then tosses him in while Joe and Morgan leave the ring. Sting punchies up Rob Van Dam, and they dance a bit until Rob Van catches his leg on Sting's back, and brings him down. Running around a bunch and Sting attemtps a move but Rob Van Dam escapes,r uns, and superkicks him.

Joe and Dam end up in the ring now. Before any wrestling can occur, Morgan and Sting rush in to beat up the faces. Sting chokes Rob Van Dam in a turnbuckle while Morgan beats on Joe in the other turnbuckle corner. Morgan then leaves the ring with Joe so Sting and Rob Van Dam can fight. Sting irish whips Rob Van Dam, then runs at him but hits empty turnbuckle, so Rob Van Dam bounces onto the turnbuckle and kicks him down, then does a Rolling Thunder on him. Pin gets 2 as Matt Morgan stops it.

Morgan then picks up Sting and irish whips him, but Sting stops him, and Morgan discus clotheslines him. Joe now gets in to break up their pin and battle Sting with a kick. Pin gets 2 and Morgan breaks it up and goes after Joe. He shoves him into the turnbuckle, thenr uns at him from the other end to slam into him, then catch his rebound in a side slam. Rob Van Dam runs at him from behind and gets caught into Morgan's spinning slam thing.

Morgan then backs Rob Van into the turnbuckle to do his lazy-ass back elbow thing. He then stares up into the crowd at Hernandez, rubs his eyes, and the guy leaves. OH WAIT YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO KNOW IT'S HERNANDEZ YET OOPS! Joe catches Morgan from behind and Musclebusters him, then Rob Van Dam kicks him, and does a Five Star Frog Splash on Morganite for a winning.

WINNAR: Rob Van Dam

Show ends with Joe staring down Rob Van Dam and getting in his face all hot and sweaty-like.

TNA YAY: Some matches that were fun! Even for a Disillusioned Smark (copyright) like me!

TNA BOO: Anderson and Jordan can not wrestle.

TNA WTF: Orlando Jordan. Is his entire gimmick JUST to be disgusting, and then justify that by claiming he's bisexual? OR IS IT TO BE THE WINNINGEST SUMBITCH IN TNA THUS FAR?!

You've just been Halonic Death Ray'd, and like I say every week, if I'm not back within two or three weeks, consider me dead.

Feedback if you want: phenomynouss@hotmail.com

Andariel Halo is a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. She can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. She translates ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees. Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, Andy once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. Children trust her. She knows the exact location of every dairy item in the supermarket. She has performed covert operations for the CIA. She's in bed every day, but sleeps once a week, OH! The laws of physics do not apply to her. One time, she shot her friend in the back of the head with a BB gun, and placed all blame on him.


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November 2006


by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).