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Yippie-yo loyal readers, and before we start TNA iMPACT! we introduce the Dick Show, where we whip our dicks out (proverbially, though feel free to do it where you are right now, regardless of where you are or which of your family members you'll shame in the process) and smack some shit up with it.

And that's the end of the Dick Show, apparently. Don't ask me, I barely work here.


Also, ehre is, as the announcer says, CHEFF HARDY! Also, HOW DO YOU EXPLAIN ANDERSON ANDERSON HELPING HARDY IN THE RING, says Mike Tenay? Is it anything intriguing? Nope, it's just bad writing!

Hardly is out here for wun reason, to find out what the Asshole himself is doing and such. Because strung-out junkies need shit this obvious explained to them slowly. OUT COMES ANDERSON ANDERSON. He says Jeffreeeeeey, Jeffroooooo, come on man. Maybe he does things like that, you know, extend hands and give assists... to confuuuuuuuse people. Maybe he did it to confuuuuuuuse you. Maybe he did it to confuuuuuuse all these people. Maybe he did it because he's an asshole. Somehow, people cheer. Then they chant "WE'RE ALL ASSHOLES"

... Sorry y'all. I just. I just do not like Anderson Anderson. And suddenly he is beloved by everyone? Fans laugh at him imitating Hardy's dancing, and him saying how with his facepaint and tattoos, some old lady must look at Hardy and think he's an asshole. He's an asshole, she's an asshole, we're all assholes. And before I can drop the Denis Leary ripped-off joke thing, Anderson beats me to it, ripping off Denis Leary's song with the assholes and such.

Speaking of ass... yeah, I'm not going there. Speaking of people, here be some. That some includes AJ Styles, Ric Flair, Beer Money, and Failure. AJ rails against Anderson Anderson or Hardy Hardy. AJ says YOU requested to wrestle ME and Hardy, mirroring my confusion, is like "I didn't request to wrestle anyone, hyunghuhuhuhuh" AJ says he wuddin't talkin tew him, but tew that buttmunch over there. I AM THE PHENOMENAL AJ STYLES etcetera.

Anderson Anderson knows who he is. He's THE ONE! THE ONE! Allow him to tell you who he is; he is ...

The fans shout MISTER for him, then ANDERSON! and someone shouts HE -IS- THE ONE! He lets the microphone thing drop so he can do it instead. AJ is not amused. Neither am I. What's this cumbag's appeal? He can't even wrestle.


Meanwhile... out of nowhere, in the ring now is Inkink and Team 3Dicles. Wut? Now the nWo is coming out. WURT?

Threesome Tag Match Ink Inc vs Team 3D vs nWo (non-title)

Nontitle because we can't have champions actually being champions, can we! Meanwhile, Eric Young is being bounced around by Shannon Moore with the little guy moves and such, a pin fail by Moore, then Eric Young lunging at Moops in the corner to be knocked off. Moore jumps up and tries a bulldog on Young. Tries and does it. Then tags in Jesse Neal and they double monkey flip on Young. Then Neal irish whipped by Moore and monkey flipped onto Eric Young.

Neal then gets whipped into a corner by Young, but reverses it with a kick, then springs into a crossbody on him and pin gets 2. Eric Young now with generic heel offense on the turnbuckle on Neal. Then a generic scoop slam. He backs into a corner and Bruther Ray bitchslaps him to tag in, so he can miss an elbow drop on Neal. They then lock up and Neal punches him up, then bounces back off the ropes into a clothesline. Bruther Ray picks him up to punch him in the head, then slap him against the turnbuckle and such. Then he slaps his back a bunch.

Devon angrily tags in and yells at Bruther. Then he shoves Jesse into the corner so he can tag out to Shannon Moore. THE TAZ IS NOT AMUSED! Seriously, he plays the heel-y bit up, talking about "spirit of competition??" and "this is a match! A wrestling match!" Devon gets beaten on by Shannon Moore a bit, then Jesse Neal is tagged in. They double irish whip so Bruther can blind tag, and double clothesline Inking.

Bruther Ray stomps on Neal, saying "I'm not gonna pin ya!!!" and such. This prompts a WWF Attitude-style reduction of momentum stuff, then Bruther gets a steel chair and the nWo just drop off the apron and stare. Devon stops the chair, and Neal spears him and pinwins. The nWo laugh.


Bruther Ray gets the microphone to be all like "Are you outta your mind?" all fast and stern like a father talking to a child. Devon yells at him and such, so Bruther turns to Jesse Neal all like at Slammiversary, they fight, and to Devon like Stay outta this.

BACKSTAGE It's KAAAZ and Christy Hemme all with the interviewing thing. KAAZ is like HERE HE IS and it's Ric Flair and they're all happy with each other and Ric Flair was really impressed by KAAZ last week. But this week, he must manhandle Jay Lethal. Meanwhile, here be AJ Styles all like I"ve been looking for you ALLL DAY"

Let me stop here before I lose my mind.


AJ complains about having a match against Anderson tonight, probably just told to him now, due to that whole Anterograde Amnesia thing. Ric Flair goes back to talking to Kazarian about Jay Lethal.

Backstage in another video thing it's Rob Van Dam taping up his wrists, what with to hide the razor blade to cut himself with SHOOTY, and sort of mumbles about calling out Sting, then rambles about some more Sting-related stuff. I heard it all, and I literally had no idea what he was saying.

Random Commercial-area Thoughts: S

Kazarian vs Jay Lethal w/ Completely different music from last week

They circle about with Kaz looking all smug and such, then they lock up, with KAAZ taking the offense with weak-ass punches. Then irish whip and Lethal kicks his face when he obviously lowers himself to do so. Lethal runs at him, gets tossed onto the apron, and shoulderblocks Kaz inside. He then slingshot headscissor things him. Then he suicide dives on Kaz when he falls out the other end of the ring to the outside.

Lethal irish whips him into a turnbuckle then dropkicks him. Speaking of boring stuff, here be old man Ric Flair to... strut down the ramp all tauntingly. Somehow this distracts Lethal so KAAZ can ambush him from behind and beats up on Lethal at the turnbuckle. He then pulls him away to scoop slam Lethal, then runs at the ropes to springboard legdrop him. He points to Ric Flair a bunch and such.

Lethal gradually fights back, but KAAZ beats him down and elbows his back. He then tries a back drop but Lethal flips out, then starts punching him up and such. Irish whip is reversed, but then Lethal flying forearms him, then running clotheslines him. Another reversed irish whip and Lethal springboards the turnbuckle into a moonsault thing and pins Kaz gets 2.

Kaaz tries something with running but gets nailed with a kick to the face by Lethal. The replay shows it to not be a kick, but more a Lethal grabbing Kaz's head with his legs and smacking it down into the ground. Lethal then dances about and mocks Flair as he holds Kaz's leg and puts on a Figure Four Leg Lock. Ric Flair rushes in to yell at Kaz, and Kaz eventually touches the ropes. Now Flair and Lethal stare off, Flair slaps him and Lethal punches him out. While the referee is watching. And rather than doing something, he does nothing, and Lethal gets rolledup and cheapbeated.

WINNAR: Kazarian

Flair takes off his shirt to beat on Lethal some, and Hebner literally flees at the exposure of RIC FLAIR'S EPIC MANBOOBS! Flair pays him off with a rolex and starts beating on Lethal more properly. But OH NOESZ Lethal starts punching and jabbing at Ric Flair, REPEATED blows, AOOHH, GAAHD! Mike Tenay's words. Lethal irish whips Ric Flair from one turnbuckle to the other, then back body drops him, and clotheslines him out of the ring.

OH NOESZ AJ Styles, apparently having just finished reading the tattoos on his leg reminding him of Jay Lethal's feud with Flair, runs down to go save Flair. KAAZ then suddenly pushes AJ away, then goes to attack Lethal. Nao they both yell at each other. This leads to Lethal dropkicking them both and them skittering out, much to Ric Flair's lack of happiness.

Speaking of something or other, BACKSTAGE SHANNON MOORE is LAID OUT AND BEAT UP, and has a playing card on his back.

Random Commercial-area Thoughts: Kung Fu is NOT Karate

Video recap stuff thing of Chelsea's rape and slavery to Abyss for thirty days. OH WHAT? I CALLED HIM ABYSS! WHY?! Raping and enslaving a young woman for 30 days is a monstrous act that only a monster could commit. BEHOLD THE MONSTER ABYSS ONCE MORE! The real reason is laziness---it's easier to say Abyss than to say Chris Parks.

Speaking of monsters, here be Orlando Jordan, wearing nipple pasties. Live with that.

Orlando Jordan vs Abyss w/ Slavegirl Chelsea

Oh, and the nipple pasties Jordan is wearing are pictures of Abyss's head. Live with that. Orlando headbutts Abyss's penis, then laughs when that gets nowhere. They grapple, and Abyss armwrenches him a bunch, prompting Orlando to reverse and start beating on his arm. he then bounces back and gets elbow knocked by Abyss. Abyss ripped the pasties off Orlando's nipples. LIVE WITH THAT. Abyss then rape-screams and starts pumping up to retard-slam Orlando in the turnbuckle but misses.

Orlando goes back to beating on Abyss's arm, and then even bites it. He then removes the bandages to keep attacking the arm. Repeat of last week's match, only with the arm. More attacks to the arm. Zzzzzzz. Orlando gradually gets to the top rope, while still holding onto Abyss's arm and... axe handles his arm. He then tries to elbow drop Abyss's arm, but misses. Now Abyss tries his retard splash on Orlando and hits it. Then he goes for a choke slam.

Orlando stops it then blocks it by... raking the arm. Zzzzzzzzzzzzz. OH WAIT irish whip reversed by Abyss, Orlando grasps the turnbuckle, all in a sexy position, but Abyss wheelbarrow slams him to the ground and pins gets 2. He clotheslines Orlando out of the ring then. Orlando then shoves Abyss and he knocks out his slavegirl Chelsea. No matter, she is but property and expendable. Speaking of expendable, HERE COMES FAILURE!


Desmond Wolfe attacked Abyss from behind, then throws Abyss into the ring with Orlando Jordan so they can beat on him... and Orlando STILL hits ONLY the arm. Something that sounds like Bobby Lashley's music hits, but it's ROB TERRY THE FREAK who comes out, and punches Failsauce so hard, he flies across the ring. He then attacks Orlando, and tries a FREAKBUSTER on Fail but Fail slips out of Dodge. He then FREAKBUSTERS Orlando Jordan instead, the fag.

Random Commercial-area Thoughts: Kung Fu is NOT Karate!

Video packagey thing of Sting doing heely things. THEN! Rob Van Dam comes out to the ring to talk to Sting. And he knows Sting is here somewhere. He's well aware of Sting's iconic status and such. In fact, RVD has accomplished some things, too. ISN'T IT AMAZING THEIR PATHS HAVE NEVER CROSSED BEFORE?! HUH HUH HUH ROBBIE V FROM WCW GOT SHITCANNED QUICK SO STING GOT LUCKY.

Anywhere, here be Sting, and Rob Van Dam freaks out all like Where be he and such. Instead, after the music is done, we get a video package thing showing Sting KILLSHITTING Rob Van DAm when he first debuted, and RVD stares like a child distracted by something shiny. Suddenly, VOICES! Sting is up in the rafters all like "Come Slammiversary" he gonna take the world title from RVD. What he saw on that tape was just a small taste, because at Slammiversary he's just gonna take a pen, make a Zip Gun, and put a bullet in RVD's head to save him the mortal beating he's gonna do to LITERALLY BURY HIM!~! Or something.

Speaking of something, here be Hulk Hogan EARLIER TODAY talkking to some monkey-looking sumbitch. Hogan's like the BAD GUYS THE HEELS THE BABYFACES all hate him now. Monkey-looking sumbitch says he's an asshole. Hogan says he sees big dollar signs, and if Anderson Anderson keeps doing what he's doing he's not going to exist, while Kennedy is trying to do what he can and he meant it when he extended his hand to Jeff Harvey. HE MEAN IT! HE TURNING OVER A NEW LEAF. Moments before, he had all the fans calling him an Eyy-Hole, and now he's all Mr Sincerity? He gonna show him in the ring with AJ.

Random Commercial-area Thoughts: Kung Fu IS NOT Karate!!!

Speaking of horrendous trash, HERE BE A PROMO SPOT for Eric Bischoff's new project... midget wrestling. I MEAn, "HALF-PINT BRAWLERS"! Here be PUPPET THE PSYCHO DWARF with the announcers, saying their show has midget wrestling, Jackass-stunts, and girls gone wild.


Backstage, Christy Hemme intarviews Roxxi Laveaux, who is SO EXCITED TO BE BACK! But it's kind of familiar, since on New Year's Eve, she broke her ankle in the ring, and slipped through her hands something. BUT LAST WEEK Doctor Not-Stevie said she could come back and resu. Meanwhile, she has a TNA Knockouts Title Shot at Slammiversary and she's all OH MY GOD and such and with nice little tits and OH MY GOD and shaking her fists and OH MY GOD and...

SPEAKING of OH MY GOD, PUPPET THE PSYCHO DWARF will be on commentary for this here match. He begins by saying the Beautiful People need a MIDGET!

The Beautiful People vs Sarita and Taylor Wilde w/ Jobber non-entrance

Sex Puns and jokes ahoy, with PUPPET THE PSYCHO DWARF making EVERY female viewer out there queazy or sleazy, and the match starts. Sarita grabs Velvet Sky from behind when she fails to run at her. Velvet reverses into an arm drag. Sarita mocks her when Velvet taunts, then Sarita smooshes her up with soem flippy-dippy moves. Sarita tries to pin, but gets 2. Taylor Wilde gets in somehow and flips it up with Velvet, then tags in Sarita again.

Sarita tries some kind of rollup thing but it looked like it failed miserably and popped Velvet on the head. Now Sarita and Taylor double team Velvet with some generic flippy-dippy offense, and pin gets 2. Taylor Wilde gets irish whipped, but revarses, only to get taken down by Velvet. Velvet and one of the others now double-team up against Taylor Wilde.

Lacey von Erich then gets THE CLAAAAW on Taylor Wilde. Then wins.

WINNAR: The Beautiful People

PUPPET THE PSYCHO DWARF then crawls up the ramp and creeps into the ring, jumps in, and bounces around with the Horrible People. They're all slap handing with him. PUPPET then smacks Velvet's ass, and OH NOESZ! I smell rape. And alcohol. They Velvet smacks him, and Madison DDT's him. And they start stomping on him. Porny Female on Midget violence. T-N-A! T-N-A! T-N-A! T-N-A!

Lacey stupidly stays behind to check on him or something, and they start rolling around making out.

Backstage, Jeff Hardy talking about facing Failure for the first time... again.

Random Commercial-area Thoughts: KUNG FU is not KARATE!!!!

Desmond Wolfe vs "Cheff" Hardy

That announcer IS saying "Cheff Hardy". The two people circle around and such, and it starts with Fail bopping Jeff in the gut, then European Uppercutting him a bit. They bounce around with some flipping and running and dodging and such. Hardy stops that shit with a legdrop on Wolfe's legs, and pin gets 2. Wolfen then gets up and puts Jeff on a turnbuckle and uppercuts him. Then he takes him to the other turnbuckle and irish whips but REVARSE.

Nevertheless, Failure spreads and he beats Cheff down against the turnbuckle. He then yells at the crowd for BOOS then puts Jeff against the turnbuckle so he can do that move that NEVER ever works, where hruns at the other turnbuckle, bounces off the second rope, and runs at the other guy. It all fails and Cheff dominates him, then knocks him out of the ring, and slingshot body crossbody drops on him.

Cheff grabs him and tries to throw him in the ring, but Failure clings to the apron and kicks Cheff into the metal barricade. He then throws Hardy in the ring and pins gets 2. He then headlocks and knocks his gut, then irish whips, but Harvey flies and booshes him down. He then grabs Wolfe for a Twist of Fate but FAILURE REIGNS and swings out of it with a swinging arm drag thing. Then a pin gets 2.

Desmond then puts Hardy up for a Tower of London, ANOTHER move that NEVER hits. He though backs Hardy into the turnbuckle, then he then does that other move that never hits and FINALLY SHOWS ME WHAT IT IS... a generic uppercut.

Fuck you.

Failure hammerlocks Harvey down to the mat, then pin gets 2. Hardy gets irish whipped then, but floatovers on the turnbuckle, Wolfe catches him, but Harvey brings him down anyway. He then gets to the top rope for a WHISPER IN THE WIND and ends up booting the referee in the face as Wolfe moves away. Wolfe then does the SISSIEST fucking clothesline I've ever seen, but Hardy moves and does a Twist of Fate and pins BUT OH NOESZ TEH REFEREE. He then pulls something out of his penis region, and hits Harvey with a sack of something. Referee slowly gets up to pin.

WINNAR: Failure

That's got to be his FIRST victory in TNA ever. And he cheated to do it.

Random Commercial-area Thoughts: KUNG FU IS NOT KARATE!!!!!

Point out the logic of this to me, TNA... Jay Lethal got shitkicked for imitating Ric Flair by Ric Flair. So now you're telling fans to send videos of themselves imitating Ric Flair, and the winner gets to MEET and HANG OUT with Ric Flair?


Obviously he's not going to shitkick them for it, but it's the principle of the matter. The principle of logic; namely, TNA has none. TNA is like the "Star Trek Voyager" of the wrestling world. Consistency ain't their thing, but sometimes they're not even consistent in the SAME EXACT EPISODE.

Meanwhile, here's Matt Morgan in the ring. Two weeks ago, they got jumped in the back by Samoan Joseph, Hall and Nash jack their tag team titles, and now they need to find another partner to team with them afor Slammiversary to get back the titles. WE ARE NOT AMUSED~! Kurt Angle was on commentary since the last match, and FINALLY POINTS OUT FOR THE FIRST TIME AMONG ANYONE OTHER HTAN THE COMMENTATORS THAT HE IS REFERRING TO HIMSELF IN THE PLURAL! GAWWWWDDD~!

Morganite offers for anyone in the back to join them as partner, for the 3v2 tag match for the titles. WHO'S IT GUNNA BE?~! YOU! YEAH YOU LITTLE BALD GUY IN THE BACK! Who? Apparently Kurt Angle... Angle's all like something or other, and Angle slowly rises all badassy. He approaches the ring, and Morgan's like WHOA WHOA WHOA SECURITY and says there's gonna be no physicality int he ring now, then drops a great imitation of Damien Demento's saying "Idiot"

Angle says first of all, he's not a little bald guy, second of all, the last time he was in the ring, didn't he pin your ass? Morganite BAWLS OUT LAUGHING and says he wants Angle on their team! But he realizes Angle might be a little slow, so he asks him again if he wants to be his partner... then the strangest pack of nonsensical bullshit I've seen in weeks comes out. He pops Angle in the head immediately after asking, says "Not!" himself, then BOLTS AND RUNS to the ropes, gets stuck in them, and Angle just starts pounding the shit out of him.

Security holds Angle back while Morgan dances around and even takes potshots at Angle. Joe then comes out slowly, and approaches the ring. Morganite says he's not afraid of Joe, then IMMEDIATELY bolts and runs. NOW JOE IS FACE TO FACE WITH KURT ANGLE IN THE RING~! Angle leaves in peace and Joe is all standing there.


Now for the main event... the announcer calls him "A-CHAY STYLES"

Random Commercial-area Thoughts: FUCKING KUNG FU IS NOT THE SAME AS FUCKING KARATE!!!!!

Ken Anderson Anderson vs AJ Styles

It starts with AJ trying to wrestle but Kennedy resisting the chance to wrestle. They grapple with themselves and spin around and such, accomplishing about nothing. AJ smirks smuggly while Anderson dances cos he can't wrestle. They play around a bit, then stand off, and approach each other. AJ literally wrestles circles around the freak, then gets him in a smug headlock, which Anderson Anderson cannot escape. He tries to shove him off and AJ holds onto his arm to re-lock the headlock in, because Anderson cannot wrestle.

SUDDENLY he revarses and puts AJ in a headlock himself. AJ outwrestles him again after several moments of headlock into a LEGLOCK, but Anderson revarses it into a headlock on the ground, because he can't wrestle. AJ then reverses it into a headscissors again. You ask how? It's AJ Styles. He can wrestle. AJ then lets him out, and Anderson runs at him only to get headlock takedowned into ah eadlock. Anderson tries to flip him over into a pin gets 2.

Now they trade fake punches and chops, stuff Anderson Anderson can do. They keep doing this. The Taz humorously says this match thus far is NOT disappointing. Truly humorous. Your sarcasm is unmatched, Taz. AJ beats Anderson with this stuff, then pops him down for a pin gets 2. Now he blasts him with a punch to tha hed, but Anderson starts punching him up, then gets kicked in the guts, irish whipped, and AJ jumps so Anderson can DVD him and pin gets 2.

Anderson tries to pick AJ up but AJ pokes him in tha eye. I'm pretty sure it went exactly like this:

Aj gets an ENZUIGIRI on him, then tries a pin gets 2. Now just punches to the face! Anderson lays against the bottom rope and AJ punches him up, then smears his boot on his face. Anderson staggers up after the referee knocks AJ off and AJ snapmares him then chinlocks, but since he is not Randy Orton and this match won't get Anderson fired, Anderson Anderson breaks out, punches up Anderson, then runs and crossbodies him, they flip, and where Anderson Anderson had a pinfall rollup, AJ turns it around, hooks his legs on the lower rope, and wins.

WINNAR: The wrestler AJ Styles

Ken Ken Kennedy smugs it up all assholey and points at AJ all like "Aaaaaahhhh yoooou!" Kkennedy then gets the microphone thing, all like "I don't know how it keeps coming down, either. You got me. You got me, bro" and such. AJ then mocks Anderson's laughter. AJ SWEARS he did not pull Ken's tights. Kennedy asks a bunch of assholes if he did, and they cheer and say "YES HE DID" and such. So Anderson punches up AJ, then stomps him into the turnbuckle.

LOOK OUT HERE BE BEER MONEY to beat up on Anderson Anderson. Jeff Harvey music then plays, modestly, and he runs down with a steel chair. All the heels flee, leaving Hardy alone in the ring with Anderson holding a chair. Anderson squeaks and frigs out and bops into Hardy's back. Hardy drops the chair and stares at Anderson. HARDY then extends the hand this time so they can be all butt-friendly babyfaces.

TNA YAY: There was some kind of match with Jay Lethal and Kaz, wasn't there? I think so. If not, then ignore this.

TNA BOO: Anderson can not wrestle.

TNA WTF?: Did they forget that AJ was with Ric Flair out on the ramp ringside MERE MINUTES before he bursts into Kaz's lockerroom saying WHERE YOU BEEN RIC FLAIR IVE BEEN LOOKING FOR YOU ALL DAY!?

You've just been Halonic Death Ray'd, and like I say every week, if I'm not back within two or three weeks, consider me dead.

Feedback if you want: phenomynouss@hotmail.com

Andariel Halo is a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. She can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. She translates ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees. Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, Andy once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. Children trust her. She knows the exact location of every dairy item in the supermarket. She has performed covert operations for the CIA. She's in bed every day, but sleeps once a week, OH! The laws of physics do not apply to her. One time, she shot her friend in the back of the head with a BB gun, and placed all blame on him.


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November 2006


by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).