So I need some kind of chart to keep track of this latest family-friendly fun feud going on between Smackdown's Shane Steele lookalike Jordan Huie and the step-down from Neil McGilloway step-down from ECW, Malcolm Not(McDowell) in the Middle from NXT. You'd need a chart of some kind just to keep track of who's who coming from my stupid mind. I insist on long-winded, rambling nicknames that are only coherent if you get the references! They call that "esoteric", and it's delicious. Yet another hard reference there!
Going back to the start, it apparently started because Jordan Stupid can't figure out how frames work, and thinks this link (http://www.thewrestlingfan.com/twfforum.html) is broken. Well Hashemite Kingdom of Jordan Huie, every single day I click on the main page link and I get taken to the forum, complete with frames on the left side with the names of the Lords of Kobol---TWF, I mean.
So he goes about calling me a whore! HEY what gives?! I only sucked that ONE guy off for ten dollars! Which I bought a big bag of candy with. What gets the taste of penis out of your mouth quicker than Fun Dip and Mega Warheads?
So then someone (I forgot who) apparently takes my threat of "COMIN FOR YOU" seriously and starts thinking this is a violent feud of some sort. Frankie Muniz gets drawn into it because he's retarded or something (I'm just going off what I heard from my nonexistent boyfriend who is an angel of God sent to protect me and make me look like a freak in public) and now he goes and spoils ALL his commercial thoughts with helpful rundowns of this whole conflict.
This inspires in me only JEALOUSY! Namely, -I- want to have paragraph-y indentations for my recap. But I do my thing on Notepad, because I'm all Ron D. Moore retro with the corded phones and dark corridors.
That makes THREE Battlestar Galactica references in this intro alone! Find them and win... an e-mail from me! It's worth its physical weight in gold.
So now begins my belated entry into the TNA iMPACT! stuff now.
To prevent iguanas being eaten by kittens, or the other way around, WE STILL STANDING HERE IN ORLANDO! Which makes for a particularly displeasing thought considering Orlando Jordan. Remember Lemmiwinks? Exactly. Now live with that and remember; Eric Bischoff LIKES Jordan's gimmick thing.
Interesting thing to note here: Tara's career in TNA was apparently a decade long. Farewell, old fool. Also, other stuff happened.
MAJ0R NEWS TONIGHT WITH A HOOGE ANNOUNCEMENT FROM HULK HOGAN AND ERIC BISCHOFF REGIME FOR... tonight's main event. Just another disposable TV event. Also, apparently unrelated to this HUGE announcement, Kurt Angle's gonna return. Way to spoil a potential BIG surprise, morons. YOU'RE NOT ON MONDAYS ANYMORE!
Speaking of old fools and Orlando Jordan's anus, here be Eric Bischoff with random breast-implant female Miss Tessmacher, with a name I cannot even accurately place anywhere in the world.
In the ring is a bunch of cardboard signs saying TOP 10 CONTENDERS! It's an announcement for an opportunity to wrassle for the MOST COVETED TITLE *snort* in all entertainment. The TNA World championshit. The committee for the championship thing is Hulk Hogan, Eric Bischoff, and Dixie Carter.
And just to ensure that MY INFLUENCE is not heard and we see Desmond Fail flop about in the main event of Bound for Glory for the title, he says the decision is based on THE VOTES AND CAREER WIN-LOSS RATIO AAAAAAAND PREVIOUS CHAMPIONSHIP RECORD AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAND PREVIOUS WIN-LOSS RATIO AS A CHAMPION! That pretty much discludes the vast majority of TNA originals, as well as Desmond Wolfe, the guy whose won literally like one match his whole career here.
Number 10 is Samoa Joe.
Video package suckoff follows.
Number 9 is THE FREAK Rob Terry. Video package suckoff follows.
Number 8 is FAILURE ITSELF! Video package filled with BLATANT LIES follows.
Number 7 is His Holy Darkness Pope Blackadictus I D'Angelo Dinero. Gloriously humble video package follows.
Number 6 is Chris Parks. Video package suckoff follows.
Number 5 is The One. Anderson Anderson. There is no video package.
Number 4 is Jeff Hardy. Video package suckoff follows.
Number 3 is AJ Styles. Video package suckoff follows.
Number 2 is Kurt Angle. Nothing happens.
Number 1, AND WINNAR OF TITLE SHOT AGAINST ROB VAN DAM is Sting.
This is TOTALLY NOT AT ALL EXPECTED! People chant "WE WANT RECOUNT" and Sting will go to Slammiversary to killshit Rob Van Dam in 5 minutes after a 30 second official match. Meanwhile, tonight is Sting vs Jeff Hardy. FACEPAINT VERSUS... SHIT ON HIS FACE! Sting yells at Bischoff, then smashes the shit out of the cardboard signs with his baseball bat, and says that is change.
And he says Bischoff needs to change the way he walks. Sting politely offers to do so by beating him with the bat. Chris and Jeff run in to get killed by Sting, then RVD appears to slowly walk in so Jeff can ambush Sting and Twist of Fate him, then try a Kenton Bomb as his music plays, but Sting just leaves.
Random Commercial-area Thoughts: S
When we return inside, Bischoff is all mad and pink and touching his leg, while Hulk talks about PUTTING A BULLET IN THIS CLOWN STING, and Matt Morgan arrives all like "That looks like that kills, BUT AT LEAST YOU KNOW HOW WE FEEL" when Samoa Joe killshat him. Hogan angrily gives him a rematch, and says good luck finding a partner. Hogan says Sting needs to disappear.
Roxxi Laveaux vs Madison Rayne
I'm starting to think Roxxi ISN'T a Voodoo shaman. Despite being lied to, I cover this match as Roxxi tries for three quick pin covers that amount to buttfuck nothing. She then holds Madison's arm in a lock, then irish whips her into a corner, runs and buttslams her. She then runs at her, but catches her leg on the rope so Madison can beat on her from behind, and slam her into the mat. Then she kicks her as she rises, and pin which fails miserably.
Rayne keeps on her, including a chinlock thing now, but tosses Roxxi back. Then she does a noselock (YES! A REAL NOSELOCK!) and the same thing. Another pin attempt, and now Madison chokes Roxxi on the rope while grinding her vagina into Roxxi's head. That works a bit, but then she puts her back on the rope to push her with her foot. Big boot to the side of the fuckin' head, and a pin does nothing.
Madison picks up Roxxi and smacks her, then smacks her throat, then irish whip is reversed and Roxxi quickly gets it into a Voodoo Drop which... wins.
WINNAR: FEM JOHN CENA
Yeah, I know. She got literally no offense in aside from the dorp and some arm wrenching. Speaking of wrenching, here be Failure backstage being a narcissist as Chelsea is forced to be Chris Parks' sex slave for 30 days, and all he cares about is being alone.
Meanwhile, Kurt Angle appears backstage, a cameraguy catches him, he freezes, and goes another direction to flee. Cameraguy asks him buttfuckstupid questions, and Angle just ignores him. What be this "number 2" bullshit? He knows not.
Random Commercial-area Thoughts:
Video package of Kurt Angle's career and such in TNA, complete with queermo music that barely makes any sense or else sends the complete wrong message! "I NO LONGER CARE!" ? Is that what they're saying about Kurt Angle's career?
Now Kurt Angle comes out for real and such. Fun fact; my favorite Kurt Angle was in mid-2006 WWE, where he was neither heel nor face, but just killed people, like Samoa Joe used to.
Now Angle talks about how he noticed a lot of CHAAAANGE since he started here four years ago. Someone shouts he loves him, and he says "Thank you, I love you too" Angle says he started here he was one of the best and people ANGRILY chant "YOU STILL ARE!" and such. Angle talks about the addition of ex-WWE guys, and the "elevating" of TNA stars like... Jay Lethal and Eric Young and such, and how this means Angle is no longer one of the elite on the roster.
So let him esplain something; Kurt Angle will wrestle for free*. It was never about money or ego or stuff. What it was about was being in the ring, looking at his opponent, and putting everything on the line and such. Kurt Angle was bred to be a winner and will be a winner the rest of his life. Now he's going through a difficult tiem in his life now he says, and Kurt Angle has done everything possible in wrestling, amateur, olympic, pro, so what can he do to reinvent himself?
He'll tell us what, he will start from scratch; he gonna take himself OUT of the top ten, and he's gonna resu each and every one of the... top ten. Well that's not starting from scratch at all, jackass. He promises us some great matches. Logically, since he's given up his number two contender spot, that means Samoa Joe is now number 9 and the nothing nobody who got made 11 will be 10th.
Or Kurt Angle will wrestle himself in a FIVE STAR CLASSIC.
Backstage, Christy Hemme asks who will wrassle Beer Money. Ric Flair is all talking stuff, and starts talking to Jay Lethal and such. He says Lethal humiliated and insulted him, and then interfered at AJ's match in Sacrifice and cost him the gold, and RIC FLAIR CANNOT LIVE WITHOUT GOLD AROUND HIM. AJ Styles is not Ric Flair. Flair forces the redhead to cop a feel of Beer Money's pecs.
OUT OF NOWHERE, KAAZ appears wanting to talk. Ric Flair then sexually harasses Christy, wondering if its true she got married before living the legend, and she responds in the most logically, un-TNA way possible... leaving immediately.
Random Commercial-area Thoughts: Thou hast outraged, not insulted me; but for that I ask thee not to beware of Starbuck; thou wouldst but laugh; but let Ahab beware of Ahab; beware of thyself, old man.
In some dark place, Big Roid Terry talks about being injured, being Globarl champion, and of wrestling Orlando Jordan. Speaking of which, he enters the ring Owen Hart style, only without the whole falling and dying part. Mike Tenay DARES asks if there is a more unique way of entering. Falling and dying. I said it.
Orlando Jordan vs Freak Rob Terry
Big Roid starts with grasping Orlando's torso, then tossing him. Orlando meekly hugs his thigh, and Big Rob just punches the shit out of him, then clotheslines him a bunch, while all limping from his weak leg. Orlando hugs him again, punching at the leg. Big Roid keeps grasping Jordan's torso, then shoves him into the turnbuckle so he can just... push on him. Earl Hebner gets between them, and Jordan shoves Terry away, so that he can run at him and get back body dropped.
Rob then clotheslines Orlando down and limps about. He drops down to pin gets 2. Orlando slides about, then kicks Rob's leg, then trips him up. Then he stomps on it more. How boring is it when your offense consists entirely of hitting just one part of your opponent nonstop? Jordan's done nothing but attack his weak leg.
He pulls down the brace and the bandagey stuff on Rob Terry's knee and lifts him up as though to try a half Boston Crab, but then just drops back to slam his foot into the mat, sending pressure up to explode his kneecap. See, I know that, but the commentators are too stupid to sell that shit as nastily as they can.
Orlando gets a leglock on him, and Earl Hebner pulls a Montreal on him, but this time because Terry was getting owned.
WINNAR: Orlando Jordan
A bunch of security and medical people go to check on Rob Terry and Orlando comes in to stomp on him, while referees literally do nothing but just whine and complain. He then puts a leglock on Orlando, and the referees just hold onto Orlando's arms.
Backstage, Jay Lethal all SHOOTY stuff talking about his experience pretending to be Ric Flair and saying Ric Flair took it all wrong and such. Rob Van Dam randomly wanders in, and is all like "You lookin for a partner?" and offers to be his partner.
Random Commercial-area Thoughts:
When we return, Jeff Hardy is painting his face up and such and talking about how STING was his idol when he was 11 and such. He always wanted to be in a match with Sting and such and goes back to facepainting.
ELSEWHERE, Jesse Neal is RAGINGLY ANGRY and trying to find the Team 3D after last Sunday. He runs in, and Buh Buh Ray is like what he did to him was an attitude adjustment and such. Neal says he's just jealous, and Bruther Ray recounts his team's accomplishments to say he has no reason to be jealous and such. Neal says from now on KEEP YOUR DISTANCE! and Bruther Ray freaks out, shoving about lockers as he tries to attack him, but Devon holds him back. All the while, I'm being deafened by the nonstop clinking of Shannon Moore's emo chains.
Also, apparently Jay Lethal has abandoned the Black Machismo gimmick. Now he has more generic tights and even more generic music.
Beer Money vs Jay Lethal and Rob Van Dam
It starts with Robert Roode ambushing Jay Lethal from behind and attacking him and such. He punches him up, but then Lethal counters with chops and irish whips him and arm drags him, cartwheeling into a dropkick into Roode's face. He then runs at him, and Roode tosses him onto the apron, and he knocks him and gets to the top rope to do stuff, but Roode distracts the referee while James Storm tosses his ass off.
Now Storm is tagged in and he starts elbowing Lethal's thighs. He then picks him up to knee him in the chest, and bounces back to clothesline him hard. He then rolls him over to pin gets 2. He holds Jay Lethal down, an dtags in Roode. They double back body drop him for high stuff. Roode taunts RVD and RVD enters the ring so the referee can go and yell at him and Roode can chokey at him.
Mike Tenay finally notes what I said earlier about the TOP TEN moving up a slut, and there will be an X match to determine the tenth slot. YAY FOR X DIVISION BOTTOM OF THE BARRELLING! Speaking of barrelling, Jay Lethal flips against the ropes and back elbows James Storm. Storm tags in Roode and Lethal tags in Dam, and Rob Van starts beating on them all. he tries for his spiffy Enzuigiri thing but Roode stops him and shoves him off. Rob Van Dam escapes and gets to the top rope to kick Roode down and such. Pin gets 2.
Beer Money double teams with Rob Van Dam, then Lethal blind tags in, and jumps on Roode. He then hits the Lethal Combination, RVD Rolling Thunders him, and Lethal puts on a FiggerFour Leglock on him while Rob Van Dam pounces on James Storm and Roode tap tap taps out.
WINNAR: Jay Lethal and Rob Van Dam
OH NOESZ Ric Flair charges down the ramp to attack Jay Lethal on the ramp, and Jay Lethal fights back and such. Flair trips him up and pulls him up, smacking the BOOOOOYY's back and they start beating on one another and such. Rob Van Dam kinda stares, and looks around him. He then poses.
Rob Van Dam goes around to pose for the fans and such when OH NOESZ some guy in a Sting costume smacks him in the face with a steel chair! They then pull off the Sting mask to reveal... STING! It was seriously fucking hilarious.
That's the greatest thing I've seen all day.
So Sting hits him with the chair again, then leaves.
Random Commercial-area Thoughts:
In the ring now is Jeff Hardy, talking all serious-pants and such. He says nobody really know what goes on inside his mind, prompting someone to shout "THANK GOD" and Jeff Hardy to repeat that. He then dares Sting to TRY AND FIGGER HIM OUT! Because THE CREATURES OF THE NIIIGHT something something. He then leaves.
BACKSTAGE! It's TNA Security confronting Desmond Wolfe. He's all like "I suppose you have to do this" and mumbles some British stuff that we can't understand. They prepare to take Chelsea away to be Chris's sex slave, with Wolfe harassing them the whole way.
Speaking of sex slave owners, HERE BE THE MONSTER CHRIS!
Chris Parks is in the ring to yell at Desmond Wolfe. He say, "YOU! HAVE SOMETHING! OR SHOULD I SAY SOMEONE! THAT YOU OWE ME" for the raping. Not that last part, but what the hell else would he do with a humanoid female ORDERED to spend 30 days with him? He even treats it like he's gonna rape her, being all like "BRING HER TO ME!"
Chris Parks confronts the British guy all like "THIS IS QUITE IRONIC! BECAUSE LAST SUNDAY AT SACRIFICE, I MADE YOU MY BITCH!" You and half the TNA locker, moron. He then says TONIGHT "I'M TAKING YOURS" ohhh snapsz! Even Fail can recognize it and says "Ohhhhh zingaaaa" and says if he thinks for one second he's letting yoooooou take herrrrr, then you ah sohly mistaken, swee'hear. He then says he is taking her over his dead body.
He then kicks Chris in tha nuts, and beats up the two security. He does his weak-ass kick to one of them, then kicks the other in the face, and reaches into a bag Chelsea was holding, for a... an empty bottle. Oh, it's glass. It looked plastic. He shatters it and holds it at Chris, all waggling it and such like a barfight. He then slices Chris's arm. Somehow I think he just bladed it. There's no blood on the bottle, but it could have been pretty fast.
Chris lunges and Black Hole Slams him anyway after Chelsea was whining at him. Now Chris Parks takes Chelsea as his booty, spoils of war for him to plunder. He carries her off on his shoulder. People cheer and Mike Tenay only furthers the rape angle by saying "LET YOUR IMAGINATION RUN WILD!" YAY FEMINISM!
Random Commercial-area Thoughts: Are you sure Jordan Huie isn't Shane Steele by a different name and Malcolm the other guy isn't Great Scott?
It's like the TWF LOCKEROOM is like the wrassling bidness---Cameron Burge is WWE Raw, writing for himself alone yet still pulling in the huge ratings, probably based on prestige, NEVER MENTIONING ME.
I am the TNA iMPACT!, trashing on everyone else while proclaiming my own greatness which is TOTALLY DESERVED with my LOYAL CADRE OF FANS who love me. And Huie is the latest Smackdown person thing and Malcolm McNutty is the... new guy.
And Great Scott is off in the background doing nothing while no one pays attention... yet still gets as many readers as me.
Back in the ring, here be the nWo, with Eric Young with the mikkerphone. He child-cancer's it up all like "I've got everything and you've got nothing. I'm in the band and you're not" and such. Look at Hall, Nash, and Young, they're like brothers. They're blood. lolwut? He says these are the only two men in this bidness he has anything in common with, and Kevin Nash is an asskicker and will tell you what he'll do to your face.
For some reason, Nashicles is criticized for that, because there's nobody else with the balls to do it. Except for him and Scott Hall. SO WHAT YOU'RE LOOKING AT WORLD (NOT ELITE) IS THE NEWEST MEMBER OF THE BAND. They're not here to play some cool tunes and entertain mutants; they're here to make big bucks. This is logically flawed because they only make big bucks by entertaining mutants. BUT THIS IS TNA!
Speaking of stuff and junk, here be Shannon Moore and Jesse Neal, with their... inkink... ughhh...
Shannon Moore vs Eric Young
Eric starts by pounding on Shannon as soon as it starts. He irish whips him and Shannon SLOWLY floats over so Eric can see it before bouncing off the turnbuckle and get armdragged by Shannon a few times, then dropkicked in the face, then inverted Atomic Dropped, and punched down. Shannon now stands over him and legdrops his throat, and pin gets 2.
Shannon punches him against the turnbuckle, then Young reverses it, and irish whips him to the other, so Shannon can slowly get up for a second rope clothesline springboard on Young, which he just runs into because it was so easy to see, he just thought "There's no way he can possibly think I'd be stupid enough to just bolt up into his springboard moo--BLAAAAAARGH" but he recovers quickly enough, beats on him, does a scoop slam, then does a second rope axe hammer thing on his laying form.
Ee Why then puts Shannon Moore on the second rope and nudges his head into the rope. Nash holds the title as though about to hit him but Earl catches him, so he smoothly meanders off, brushing back some hair. Eric Young armlocks Shannon. But since this isn't NWA Florida, Shannon gets up off of it, springboards off the ropes into a bulldog on Eric thing that was almost a German Suplex on Moore. Shannon then dropkicks him a bunch.
Eric Young gets up eventually and irish whips Shannon into the turnbuckle. He then does another slow moonsault thing onto a standing Eric, who just takes it because of the above-mentioned thought statement.
Speaking of slow-moving, here be Bruther Ray Dudley coming down, only for Jesse Neal to SPEAR him and attack, while Shannon continues fighting with Eric. Nash then distracts the ref so Scott Hall can whap Shannon on the back with the championship. Eric Young then piledrives him and wins.
WINNAR: Eric Young
Brother Ray Deadly runs in and attacks Jesse Neal when he gets into the ring to comfort his buttbuddy---I mean, his... inkbuddy. He kicks Neal in the back of the head, and Devon's all like "LEAVE HIM ALONE" and Bruther is like "I BROUGHT YOU IN, I'LL TAKE YOU OUT" at Jesse Neal, while Ray and Devon yell at each other and leave.
Random Commercial-area Thoughts:
When we return, it's time for a clusterfuck jobberee! I mean, X Division guys. But hey, is there any real difference now? OF COURSE THERE IS! JOBBERS GET THEIR NAMES ANNOUNCED EVENTUALLY!
Clusterfuck match sees stuff happen, with Amazing Red being buried first. Alex Shelley beats on one of THOSE GUYS and the guy seems about to fall out but gets dropkicked out by Chris Sabin. Apparently THAT GUY is called Max Buck. Alex Shelley gets dropkicked out by the other GUY, and Chris Sabin clotheslines him out.
It's down to Chris Sabin, Homicide, and KAAZ. Kaz and Chris start, while Homicide hangs back, esse'. KAAZ kicks the shit out of Sabin when he tries a springboard apron thing and eliminates Sabin. The Taz mentions Brian Kendrick, and now here he is to toss Homicide out of the ring.
WINNAR: The fuck you think
Anyway, if it were honestly in doubt, beat yourself in the head, or count yourself lucky you're not a TNA wrestling fan. KAAZ beats on Kendrick and just tosses his ass out like so many jobbers.
New number 10 is Kazarian.
Random Commercial-area Thoughts:
When we return, it's time for a really bad match. I think. I'm guessing, using my awesome powers of amazing.
Sting vs Jeff Hardy
Whoever announces announces him as "Cheff Hardy". Sting wanders about in the ring and Hardy all stares him down and people chant for both mens. They lock up and such. Sting nudges him into a turnbuckle and presses into him so the referee can hold him back, then the obligatory cheap shot on Jeff. Then more punching. Sting punches on him but Hardy reverses and punches and kicks and spin kickys him and such, and Sting rolls out of the ring.
Sting meanders about and Harvey baseball slides Sting, then jumps over the rope and crashes into the metal guardrails as Sting smugs it up, then grabs his head and throws him into the ramp, so as to slam his legs against the edge. He slams Harvey's knee on the ramp, and slowly follows him about. Very slow stompings and such. Sting does pretty much nothing except Kevin Nash-it up, then puts Hardy ont he turnbuckle and Stingar Splish's him.
He tries again btu Harvey moves so he hits himself. Hardy irish whips, does an inverted atomic drop, double leg takedown, then legdrops his nuts, and pins gets 2. Jeff gets up to do a Whisper in the Wind but misses as Sting backs away and smugs it up. He then gets in a Scorpion Dethklok while Hardy manages to scoot and get the ropes. Sting smugs it up, not angry or anything, and drags Hardy off of the rope, making the referee flip out of the ring. Mr Glass is down, so Sting smugs it up with Hardy, not even taking the advantage to smash his nuts up.
OH NOESZ THE ONE BILLY GU--ANDERSON APPEARS and hits a Scorpion Death Drop on Sting. OMFG FACE TURN LULZ! Hardy then pins when the referee reappears.
WINNAR: Cheff Hardy
OH NOEZ Jeff Hardy shoves Anderson all angrily and such and Anderson's trying to Face it up but Hardy whines and complains and such. Anderson Anderson then poses for the microphone, and Sting appears to killshit him and Hardy with the baseball bat.
TNA YAY!: This thing:
TNA BOO!: Matches were trash. The battle royal thing for the LAST spot and FIRST to job to Angle just appeared out of nowhere with an obvious conclusion.
TNA WTF?: Mmm... this thing:
You've just been Halonic Death Ray'd, and like I say every week, if I'm not back within two or three weeks, consider me dead.
Feedback if you want: email@example.com
Andariel Halo is a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. She can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. She translates ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees. Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, Andy once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. Children trust her. She knows the exact location of every dairy item in the supermarket. She has performed covert operations for the CIA. She's in bed every day, but sleeps once a week, OH! The laws of physics do not apply to her. One time, she shot her friend in the back of the head with a BB gun, and placed all blame on him.
THE TWF "MENTAL WELLNESS TEST!"
With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).