TNA IMPACT RANT

by Andariel Halo

May 19, 2011

I said it, and I did it. I have outlasted TNA.

And so now as I gaze over the wrestling world, a disquiet follows my soul. Everyone I know has gone away. They always say that time takes the best of us, but time makes no such distinctions. Even those we so venomously decried and discarded have become our most beloved and hopeful in the expanse of desolation that comes inevitably when one lives so long. And no matter what the young men of the coming generation do to build this up again, for much of us, it will be like no-one even knew we was ever here.

Last one alive, please turn out the light.

We get a recap from the old company from last week that stuff happened before the new company came about. Also, there was a PPV event last Sunday. Remember there was supposed to be a PPV last Sunday? Remember that? I didn't. I'm surprised TNA remembered.

The Sting says he loves IMPACT wrestling, and this IMPACT gets a whole new logo and intro and music and all BLUE now instead of red. Perhaps symbolic of the shift in quality from RAW level to Smackdown? Or some lame joke. I'm tired.

Because WRESTLING MATTERS... A bunch of old men who scream "WCW" come on out to smug it up in the new ring and take up fifteen minutes to talk shit about nothing. Hulk Hogan isn't here, though, so that's kind of a blessing Still, we get Eric Bischoff with the microphone, in the blue ring with the blue ropes and blue lighting and such. BUT LOOK AROUND YOU do you like what they've done with the joint? I mean hey, make no mistake about it, he knows Mick Foley was taking credit for it, but Mick Foley had nothing to do with it. Nothing happened with that, until THEY did stuff about it. Hulk is apparently in New York right now having meetings with whoever and such, and when Hulk is done with Mick Foley in New York, he'll REALLY be done with Mick Foley in New York. He just went into a gunfight with rubber bullets.

I... what the fuck is he even saying? And he says anyone that gets in the way of their being smug old shits will pay the price. This brings out The Brian Kendrick and the rest of the Job Squad. Kendrick says YOU'RE accusing WRESTLERS of getting in YOUR way on a WRESTLING SHOW, this coming from a NON-WRESTLER. Welcome to WCW! I mean, IMPACT! He then says how Bischoff manipulated and slithered his way to power and such, and left the wrestlers, the X Division specifically without something. Bischoff steps out onto the bottom of the ramp to say Settle down, let's handle this thing like professionals, because just like it's my right to make history on IMPACT Wrestling, it's his right to bitch.

Tonight he's gonna singlehandedly wipe out the X Division once and for all, which goes to show how much bullshit he was full of this whole time that no one with a working memory fell for. So tonight, KAAZ is gonna jobjobjob to Abyss for his X championship, then "Mildly Moderate Red" (his words) will be crushed and buried badly by Samoan Joseph, then THOSE GUYS are gonna jobjobjob to Eric Bischoff directly. He then calls them all "vanilla midgets" with "midget" censored, and hopefully only kayfabe oblivious to the fact that the last guy who got called that ended up world champion of a better company, then crazy and dead.

What about The Kendrick? Bischoff smacks him. Then everyone brawls and FOURTUNE comes out to add to it. TNA's legacy will live on. The Taz cannot recall a show starting off this hot, indicating that the show I used to recap did not exist. If only. Good God, this brawl is obscenely long. Ric Flair then says on the microphone ROODE! ROODE! I NEEDA TALK TO YOU NOW BOAY! And such. FOURTUNE music plays him off and Flair says when he calls, you march, GAD IS CALLIN YA! Also, we get a shot of Sting's bright blue pants and bright yellow boots.

Random Commercial-area Thoughts: If Pirates of the Caribbean had more rape, it'd be the biggest series in movie history. But only because of the rape.

SPeaking of which, we return with the Mexicanas getting the jobber non-entrance.

Rosita and Sarita and Madison Rayne vs Mickie James, Miss Tessmacher (Who?), and Tarantula

What a match this is bound not to be. I can only picture how many cocks were sucked by the collective mouths in the ring now. Earl Hebner himself must have quite a few. Hernandez and Goofball come out for no reason, and meander over to the boardcast table. They join commentating, and Madison Rayne flees from Tarantula. So one of the chicanas starts, and she faces off with Mickie James, I guess, based on the dirty denim hotpants. Rosita shoves at Mickie, then gets shoved on her ass, and she gets up only to be armwrenched from behind, have something smacked off her head, and HEADLOCKED! HEEEHAEHEHEHEHEHAADLCOCKCOCOKCOCK! Earl Hebber holds back the face girls while the heel ones beat up on Mickie James.

Madison Rayne taunts Tarantula and Tarantula rushes in, and Mickie James punches up on Madison as the referee holds her back. Mickie then tags in Tara, but Madison runs away and tags in Sarita. She gets Tara in a corner and tries to attack and LET ME JUST FUCKING SAY THAT THIS PICTURE IN PICTURE CRAP WITH BOTH IMAGES RUNNING SIMULTANEOUSLY IS AN EYESORE WITH THOSE FUCKING BLUE FLAMES IN THE BACKGROUND TOO! Good Gods.

Tara catches Sarita by the hair and tags in Tessmacher so they can double irish whip her, and then Tessmacher do some sort of People's Elbow-looking thing on her. Then armdrags her, and punches her up, and runs against the ropes but gets caught by Rosita, and then they all start stomping on her, and Hebner just turns around to be "distracted" long before they even started moving. Madison Rayne suddenly in, but Tessmacher schoolboys her and pin gets 2. Now Madison is dragging her as she crawls to tag in Tara, and she slowly gets in so Madison can run away and tag in Rosita.

Tara weakly clotheslines Rosita down, and this is apparently enough for her to do a spinning sideslam thing and the faces throw Sarita out of the ring and Madison creeps on Tara, only to be all like EEEE and such when Tara faces her, and she chucks Rosita into Tara's Batista Bomb and pinwin.

WINNAR: Mickie James, Miss Tessmacher, Tara

Eric Bischoff's inevitably successful attempt to wipe out the shit-scraping remnants of the X Division coming up next.

Random Commercial-area Thoughts: Today's May 21st. I hear Vince McMahon challenged God to a rematch, and God no-showed again.

We return to more shots of Sting's goofy new tights as he wanders around backstage. Why the fuck are we seeing this? Before the match, Eric Bischoff stops Abyss to say he wants him to destroy him and such BUT FIRST... what would Sun Tzu do? Get fucking butchered for playing by the book and giving no credence to fortune or men's spirit. "Know yourself and your enemy and you need not fear the result of a thousand battles", going by that, I've lost as many battles as I've won. Just look at the Romans before Hannibal Barca; they didn't have any plans or styles except "charge enemy, win" and win they did more times than not.

TNA X Division Championship
KAZ (C) vs Abyss

The fuck you think.

WINNAR + NEW CHUMPION: Abyss

You honestly believe the X guise are going over Eric Bischoff's faction? The Taz also believes that the X Division guys approached this situation in a bad way, and this somehow justifies the extermination of their entire division. THANKS TAZ!

And apparently, Eric Bischoff's idea of thinking "what would Sun Tzu do?" is... basic wrestling psychology, as Abyss faked a knee injury. Abyss then says to the camera "SUN TZU SAYS... THE ART OF WAR... IS SUBDUING YOUR ENEMY... WITHOUT FIGHTING..." which is exactly what Abyss didn't do here.

Random Commercial-area Thoughts: For those of you who follow my twittering and was wondering weeks ago... Yes. Yes I could masturbate to "Beyond Scared Straight" on A&E.

When we return, Gunna is wandering down the halls bitching about someone stealing his prop. Eric Young stealing his property. Oh yueah, Eric Young stole his belt and apparently still has it.

The Amazing Red w/ Jobber non-entrance vs Samoa Joe

Normally I'd just say "The fuck you think" but I did that last match, so it's only fair I cover this one. Red runs at Joe and gets standing Rock Bottomed so hard he flips over and flails over to the other side of the ring. Joe and him trade a punch, then he runs at Joe to try a tilt-a-whirl thing but Joe chucks him off, dodges a kick, then puts him in a corner to fuck him uop with a kick, then a Musclebuster pinwin.

WINNAR: Samoa Joe

OH HOHOOOOO!!! SEE IS FUNNY BECAUSE COMPANY GET CRITICIZED FOR NOT SHOWING MUCH WRESTLING, THEN THEY CHANGE NAME AND MOTTO TO SAY WRESTLING MATTERS, AND THEN DO SAME THING THEY ALWAYS DO!

The Amazing Crimson runs down to beat up on Joe, and despite wearing jeans, Joe dominates him and such, but then Crimson with a T Bone suplay so hard Joe leaves.

Random Commercial-area Thoughts: If more products were pimped by Ultimate Warrior, I would buy the shit out of all that I could.

We return to AJ Styles out now on TNA Smackdown or "WCW Thunder" as is more accurate. He calls out Tommy Dreamer, who comes down in a cheap suit with no tie and sunglasses. So the doctor says AJ gonna be in a neckbrace for the next couple of weeks due to strained ligaments due to Tommy Dreamer piledriving him through a table. Maybe it's AJ Styles's idiot fault for coming back too early, because he's a pro wrestler, and pro wrestlers kill themselves. AJ got a glimpse of the bigger picture, and it involves BULLY Ray, IMMORTAL, and Hulk Hogan, and he knows that if Tommy Dreamer didn't do what they wanted, he'd get shitcanned, so he don't hold Tommy responsible for TNA Snackerfice. Had he been in his position, he would have done the same thing.

And he knows wrestling matters to Tommy and it matters to AJ. Tommy Dreamer then says "Are you saying I couldn't beat you if you didn't have a hurt neck already?" and AJ's like tha's not what I'm saying, and Tommy says "Are you saying you could walk a mile in my shoes for what I've done for this business? Are you saying that you're better than me?" herpyderpydip, Tommy's playing real life arrogance of old men as a gimmick. Tommy says he's wrestled hurt, because Edge is a pussy, and tonight is a historical night that will go down in infamy because when he piledrove AJ the first time, he did it because he was forced to do it, and now he does what he do because he weants to do it, and BOP he pops AJ in the face.

He says the people will turn on you in a heartbeat, it doesn't matter what you do for them, they want more, STOP SHOOTING, LAUGHLIN! HOW QUICKLY they all forget what Tommy Dreamer's done. Because they're just as stupid as Tommy says, they chant "YOU SOLD OUT!" because... how does that even make sense? AJ spears him down when he tries to pick AJ up, but Tommy bops him down and gets up. Only now does someone come to save him, Christopher Daniels. He shouts stuff all like "WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU!" and such as Tommy picks up his jacket and makes like to leave, but then goes for Daniels but Daniels punches and kicks him up in the corner.

Now BULLY Ray comes out and pops AJ in the head with his chain, then kicks Daniels in the face. Then Dreamer piledrives AJ again.

Random Commercial-area Thoughts:

When we return, some random bald guy shaking his head non-fucking-stop is asked why WRESTLING MATTERS! Sting says he's got a lot to say and will say it as the night goes on. Now, LIVE Sting with his goofy-looking outfit and Mike Tenay, apparently too stupid to distinguish between pre-recorded promos and such, is like DUH WAYT A MINUTE HOW CAN STING BE IN TWO PLACES AT ONCE DURR.

Meanwhile, Kurt ANgle comes to the ring smiling like a terrorist while people cheer him for abusing and assaulting a married couple long after was even remotely justified in doing so. And he says "Ding dong the bitch is dead" meaning he apparently murdered Karen Jarrett. I'm calling the police. How could they air this shit? He knows Chyna ain't here and so thanks her to the camera, then says after six long grueling months, he finally gets what he wants from Jeff Jarrett.... a one on one match without Karen around. Are you fucking serious? Come the fuck on. This is why he's been abusing and assaulting and harassing and terrorizing them for the past half a year like a murderous ex-boyfriend fresh out of jail?

JEff Jarrett comes out and is all like WHY DONT YOU ASK MICK FOLEY WHAT YOU DID TO DESERVE ONE FINAL MATCH WITH ME? First question: Why Mick Foley? Second question: Who needs permission to wrestle someone?

Jarrett says it was YOU AND ONLY YOU that allowed you to be distracted by Karen. STOP SHOOTING, JEFF~! Seriously he nails Angle's problems; ADD and mental incompetence to thin kKaren is somehow a problem in his beating up on Jeff. For the life of him he can't understand Kurt Angle, Olympic gold medalist idolized by millions of kids to come out here and make excuses is beyond him. STOP SHOOTING, JEFF~!!!!@!2134141252

Somehow, Jeff lost his lack of balls and says YES LET'S GO AT IT SLAMMIVERSARY and says he'll have no problem at all agreeing to this match AND to this stipulation. YAY RUSSO! He says he's taken everything from Kurt except ONE THING, his Olympic gold medal. Ugggghhhh.... Do I even need to ask aloud how many fucking times this stipulation has been used and abused?

Karen Jarrett's entrance thing hits, and she appears on the rising entrance thing in a wheelchair! She says HEY KURT GUESS WHAT Big Daddy's not gonna be alone at Slammiversary either! For some reason, Velvet Sky appears behind her all smug and shaking her head and such, and Jeff points fiendishly. Wow, Karen's tits look great for implants. Velvet shoves Karen in her wheelchair down the ramp and Jeff goes down to catch her.

Backstage, THOSE GUYS in the lockerroom, FINALLY addressing that aborted split-up thing, and are like for the sake of the X Division, let's put that aside, we're the best wrestlers in the world not given a chance. Elsewhere, Eric Bischoff is on the phone with Hulk Hogan. How'd it go, AHAH I knew it great work, etcetera. I'm having a ball, great work, tonight I'm gonna knock me out some vanilla midget. Jesus, meng.

Random Commercial-area Thoughts: "Conan the Barbarian" was like the WWF Attitude era and "Conan the Destroyer" was like the current TNA product. Because the first one was gritty and realistic and the second one was cartoony and magical pixie fantasy trash.

Backstage, more Jarrett and Jarrett bitching and whining and complaining and Jeff on the phone with Eric Bischoff (?) and Velvet Sky is NEVER gonna stick her nose in their business tonight, because instead of being fired as is logical, she's gonna be in a handicapeable match against Winter and Zombie Hoodoo Love. Speaking of lack of logic,

Generation Those Guys vs Matt Hardy and Eric Bischoff

Bluh starts with Matt Harvey kicking and then armwrenching on Jeff Buck, and he turns to face against his brother's doppelganger and shows his anger with a GENERIC HEADLOCK! They wrestle some, and Matt frumpily shoves Jeff down, then Jeff Buck dropkicks him and tags in Matt Buck, ,to hold Matt down so they can tag the other guy back into go back to armwrenches. Jeremy Fuck then gets a headlock and some stuff on him, then the other guy gets tagged in and they double irish whip and Poetry in Motion on Matt, then the other guy spears him down and punches. Eric Bischoff then sticks his foot in to shove at him.

Matt Buck now beating on Matt Hardy and Hardy nosells his shit to slam his head into the corner and such, then a suplex thing and pin gets 2. I literally forgot the Matt Buck guy's real name. Matt beats on him some but is now down like trying to tag in Bischoff, but Jeff Buck jumps on him from the top rope and pin gets 2. Jeff then tries a 450 splish but hits Hardy's knees. Harvey now with his faggoty Ice Pick move thing and he humps Matt Buck while screaming. Then he tags in Eric Bischoff.

Eric Bischoff kicks him, then pinwins.

WINNAR: Matt Hardy and Eric Bischoff

Mike Tenay says this is like Bischoff just put a bullet in the X Division. STOP SHOOTING, TENAY~!

Backstage somewhere, Winter plays with her Hoodoo Love doll and says after tonight, Velvet will stop bothering them after being put on the floor for 3 seconds. Winter then gives her a barely-there kiss to the lips.

Random Commercial-area Thoughts: Cunty

they ask a random black guy why WRESTLING MATTERS to him and he says it's in his blood, he been watching wrestling since kindergarten.

Winter and Angelina Zombie Love vs Velvet Sky

What the fuck kind of introduction does Christy Hemme do? She introduces Velvet Sky as "And their opponent at a DISADVANTAGE, a knockout favorite, Velvet Sky!" WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN~!~@ff The Taz is not amused that Velvet is keeping those fudgey pidgeons in her butt instead of letting them out. As for this match? Winter starts with Velvet Sky, then Angelina randomly enters in despite not being tagged. She then goes to choke Velvet, but Velvet runs past hewr, knocks Winter, then hits Angelina Zombie who nosells her shit.

Winter and Angelina then start double teaming on Velvet, but Velvet doubleclotheslines them down and then HEADLOCK on Zombie Love, but ZOMBIE LOVE takes control some with some hitting and such. They put Velvet Sky in the corner and beat on her two on one and such. WINTER picks up Velvet for a spinning backbreaker across the knee thing. Zombie Love then gets tagged in and stares down Velvet Sky some, then tries to pick her up but gets rolled up and pinfalled... by a fucking rollup thing.

WINNAR: Velvet Sky

For no reason, ODB appears and beats up on Velvet Sky afterwards.

Random Commercial-area Thoughts: Randy Savage is dead

When we return, Miss Tessmacher is bitching about her random photoshoot... featuring Eric Young with the stolen belt, NO CAMERA, and one of those things you use to shout through. Also, Tessmacher remarked that he had no camera. Eric Young strips to his underwear and socks and poses, showing her how to pose and show off her muscles and such. Gunner randomly appears and Eric Young says I look in your eyes and I see the same thing, RESPECT, and we had that match and such and Eric beat him and such. What happened to Orlando Jordan? Gunner beats him up, shouting THIS AINT A JOKE and he takes his title belt back.

Eric Young says good thinking, we split up the belts, what if someone jumped me and took the belt? You take the old one, I'll take the Television belt.

And now, instead of a match, we get a SHOWDOWN between Robert Roode and Ric Flair, because wrestling matters so much, that Knerkout's Handicapeable match was our main event. You wish I was kidding. More fucking promos. Ric Flair says he has not been able to live with himself since he tapped out to Robert Roode at TNA Lockdown or whatever. Robert Roode says LISTEN WITH ALL DUE RESPECT and I tune out. Fuck respect the old people. Roode says Lockdown was a war, NOT WRESTLING, one with mysteriously no casualties. Ric Flair says he was teaching him how to be a wrestler, by having them go to nightclubs and fuck whores and such. Roode says there is NO ONE in this business who respects Ric Flair more than he does, which is a total lie, and what happened at Lockdown was BUSINESS and we need to move forward.

He says Ric Flair has had his time, time to move aside and Ric says THEY BEEN TELLING ME THAT FOR 25 YEARS YOU ASSHOLE and to be the man you gotta beat the man, and says BEING THE MAN AND STAYING THE MAN ARE TWO DIFFERENT THINGS, BREAK IT AGAIN RIGTHT NOW, referring to his shoulder and such. He then slaps Robert Roode, and says YOU DON'T WALK AWAY FROM GAD YOU'RE GONNA LEARN! Roode then does the armbar thing on Ric Flair like he gonna break Ric's shoulder, and IMMORTAL comes out to beat him up.

Apparently he's all alone too because AJ Styles, James Storm, Christopher Daniels, and Kaz were all injured by IMMORTAL tonight. See how much wrestling matters? They bop Roode in the shoulder with a steel chain, then they use a steel chair and slam it on him and such.

Backstage, Sting is wandering around still, then backshot of ANOTHER STING WANDERING AROUND that is TOTALLY not Anderson Anderson in costume. No more commercial thoughts< I'm tired.

Sting comes out now and says so how about that WRESTLING tonight huh? Oh it sucked so horribly, right. Now Sting says let's hear it for Rob Van Dam and such and saying he got by just barely against RDV but he did get by. And being World champion he makes himself a target and he's no different because it wasn't more than 60 seconds after he got his arm raised that Ken Anderson was in his face. Sting's music then hits again, and Anderson Anderson Anderson Anderson comes out dressed as Sting, appearing behind Sting, all dressed like old surfer Sting durr with the blonde hair and such. He attacks Sting and such, then mocks Sting's taunts.

OOOOOH YEEEAH: TV tiem for Brian Kendrick and such, even if it is just to be visibly buried

SEND FOR THE MAN: Everyone in Immortal is a vanilla midget and the booking is made for vanilla midgets

THINKIN' THINKIN' THINKIN': This Kurt Angle and Jeff Jarrett feud. What is driving it and why the ferocity?

I'm out, may be for years, may be forever.

Go play on my fucking Twitter Commander Halo

Feedback if you fucking want: phenomynouss@hotmail.com

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Andariel Halo is a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. She can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. She translates ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees. Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, Andy once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. Children trust her. She knows the exact location of every dairy item in the supermarket. She has performed covert operations for the CIA. She's in bed every day, but sleeps once a week, OH! The laws of physics do not apply to her. One time, she shot her friend in the back of the head with a BB gun, and placed all blame on him.