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TNA IMPACT
REPORT
(05/13/10)
by ANDARIEL HALO

When you think of TNA, you think of me. Right? Stupid is what stupid does, ain't it? So I hear there's an NXT recapper guy who's all "Halo's a cunt, according to Michael Jordan Huie" and all "I'm not famous like Halo" and "there's a feud between Jackson Pollack Huie and Andariel Halo" and I'm all like "WHOOOAAAAOOO FAME!!!~!"

But then I also say, YOU WANT SOME, NXT PERSON?! You go up against me, you gonna get cut like so much Daniel Bryans! And Huie, you suck, too! And that's not just a defense mechanism to protect me from crying at night knowing you're better than me and show all the passion and youth I had before I become old and crazy!

Speaking of old and crazy, here be Eric Bischoff, or as I call him, Not-Tom Zarek. You see, because he looks an awful lot like Richard Hatch, actor-guy who played Apollo in "Battlestar Galactica" and then played Tom Zarek in the other "Battlestar Galactica", only this guy has white hair and Tom Zarek has black hair. Also, Hatch only pretends to be a jackass.

Meanwhile, Eric Bischoff LOVES all us people, So without any further doody, he introduces the TNA Heavyweight person. Mr. TNA RVD. So he comes out, and TNA apparently has a CHAMPIONSHIP COMMITTEE and so they open up a poll thingy for the TNA TOP TEN stuff, and in the first week, over HALF A MILLION PEOPLE VOTED int he first week alone. Which is like saying HALF A MILLION PEOPLE came to your website based on the 500,000 hits you get. And it's not just your friends and family going to the page and refreshing again and again--OH WAIT, YES IT IS!

One problem, though: They can't find Jeff Hardy. Unfortunately, rather than spend time searching the local crackhouses and methlabs, they're gonna give RVD the night off. TNA! PROGRESS! ACTION! RVD decides he'd rather not take the day off, as he's here to pop ratings an extra 0.1 to give people whole EFFing shows.

Speaking of the Fucks, here be AJ Styles, for reasons of things and such. Rob Van Dam gives Eric Bischoff the championship belt, and AJ comes in to say "WATCH YOUR MOUTH THERE ARE CHILDREN PRESENT FOR GOD'S SAKE!" then calls himself a role model for children, hence the whole gangbang orgies with Ric Flair and his whores. So RVD's in the mood to wrassle and AJ's in the mood to hurt people. Clearly something of a conundrum. AJ wonders if they came here to see RVD, then says no, they came to see "ME! ME! ME!ME!ME!ME!"

They came here to see AJ Styles, not a Cheech and Chong sideshow.

AJ,

 

the ratings have shown otherwise.

Meanwhile, AJ YOU HAVE RVD IN THREE DAYS SO WHY WRESTLE TONIGHT? He says... Those legs... and looks longingly at RVD's legs. Homoeroticism? NEVER! HE SIMPLY IMAGINES RVD'S LEGS AS CHICKEN LEGS LIKE LOONEY TUNES-Y! Also, he wants to break them.

Speaking of complete and utter ineptitude and probably not even bothering to call or look for him, here be Jeff Hardy. Hardy's completely confused and showed up late because of the whole move to Thursdays at 9pm due to their Bay of Pigs-ing the whole WOAR with WWE thing. Aj tells him to go paint him a picture and get out of here. Jeff Hardy says RVD can open any door metaphorically in TNA, so he says why not have a threesome with him and AJ?

Rob Van Dam thinks, then says "Make it so, Number One!" or some variation to Eric Bischoff. TONIGHT, LIVE THREEWAY GAY SEX! Or wrestling. Same shit.

Random Commercial-area Thoughts: E

When we come back, it's the Beautiful People all standing around and JB talking about Tara, with Madison Rayne saying Tara needs to understand she is not the Knockout's champion, because she's all old and doesn't comprehend stuff. So this Sunday, all the female championship things will stay with them, because Velvet Sky said so. Lacey needs to pee, and runs off to pee. Madison defends her by saying she's pretty. The Mark Madden defense for female wrestlers, I believe.

Taylor Wilde w/ Lesbian Lover Sarita vs Tara

Referee calls "No Fag Zone" and sends Suriduh out, while Taylor smashes up Tara. Tara falls out of the ring and Taylor jumps on her all smashing her up with fistings and such. Taylor irish whips her when they get in the ring, and kicks her up. Tara's all like "I'M OLD" I mean, "I'M SORRY!" and "WE'RE FRIENDS" and she throws Taylor out of the ring onto the ramp and smashes her face up on it. Tara throws Taylor into the ring then does a slingshot legdrop which misses and breaks her hip.

Taylor springboards off the middle rope and gets kicked in the guts and pinned.

WINNAR: Tara

Totally expected, here be Tara beating on Taylor Wilde after the match. With match over, Sarita rushes in all raging dyke-y and Tara flees her raging faggotry.

BACKSTAGE SOMEWHERE Desmond Fail is failing as security swarms someone all crying and sadfaced while TEH WOLFE is like "SOMEONE ASSAULTED THIS WOOMEN"

Random Commercial-area Thoughts: This is why Law and Order SVU rules: A woman claims her boyfriend abuses her, then shoots him dead. TRULY THIS IS NOT OPEN AND SHUT for it turns out she hired that guy to kill her REAL boyfriend, then made him abuse her for her own fun, then shoots him dead to cover the crime! Isn't that just always the case?

When we return, Christy Hemme says Chelsea alleges someone assaulted her in an undisclosed location, while Desmond Wolfe does the only sensible thing; threatens to sue everyone.

TEH v TEH
TEH Brian Kendrick w/ Jobber non-entrance vs TEH Douglas Williams

Before the match begins, TEH DOUGLASS says this is a non-title match for some reason. Then, the fuck you think. Also, KAAZ appears at the commentator's table to do stuff and jerk it up with his face-yness. The Taz believes he "inspired" THA KAZ to get his title belt.

WINNAR: Brian Kendrick

OH NOESZ SWERVE~! Whilst I gave it the jobber non-play-by-play treatment, Kendrick stole a cheap-assed victory. It was worth it.

Meanwhile backstage, Hemme talks with random fat guy about Chelsea's attacker. He doesn't want to say. Commercial break interrupts my chain of thought, and then Hemme says SHE HAS DICOVERED the attacker and if the accusations are true, it's all... stuff. You know? All serious and stuff. SHOCKWAVES will be happening for a long-ass time. Meanwhile, police are doings tuff.

Generation ME (aka, Who?) w/ Jobber non-entrance vs Matt Morgan

The fuck you think.

WINNAR: ... No one, I guess?

Morganite just killshits the two jobbers, then gets on the microphone to bitch at Hulk Hogan. We are not amused! He then puts one of THOSE GUYS against the turnbuckle to crush his head up. Speaking of crushing u up, here be Samoan Joe! They fight a bit, and Morganite misses a kick on the turnbuckle so Joe smashes him up, then Musklebusters.

Meanwhile, nWo music hits, and here they be coming, slow as all hell. Nashicles still has his Money in the Bank or Fired case, and Eric Youngus picks up the tag team titles that Morgan just dropped on the ramp for no reason. Nashicles VERY SLOWLY opens the case, sets it down, crawls into the ring with Scott Hall, because GOD FORBID A TRUE TNA GUY SHOULD HOLD A TNA CHAMPIONSHIP TITLE!

WINNAR + NEW TNA TAG TEAM CHAMPIONS: nWo Scott Hall and Kevin Nash

Random Commercial-area Thoughts:

Backstage, during TEH DOUGLASS's squash match flashback, it's INK INC talking about stuff. Oy... NEXT ON iMPACT! it's a foursome tag match thing.

Team 3D vs Motor City Machine Guns vs Beer Money vs Inkink... oy

So it starts like a normal tag match with Alex Shelley and James Storm all fighting stuff, then Chris Sabin gets tagged in by his partner guy and they double team flippy-dippy fast stuff on James Storm on the outside with a baseball slide thing or something, while Shellith poses on the second rope. Sabint hen pints him but gets 2. Storm smashes his head on the mat and tags in Robert Roode, but Bruther Devon gets tagged in to punch him up.

Roode counters this by knocking his gut with a knee, then more punching, but Devon revarses, and gets kicked by Roode. Roode keeps running, and Devon powerslams him, and pins but OMFG SHELLEY POKES HIM IN THE EYE! It was a lot like this:

Shannon Moore ends up blind tagging himself in somehow, and jumps from the top rope onto Rick Roode for a crossbody thing and pin gets 2. He then riish whip attempts Roode, but Roode revarses, and Shannon bounces on the turnbuckle only to get chucked out by Roode. Roode then sort of shoves the referee's head or something and Storm beats on Shannon Moops from the outside.

They then irish whip Moore and do some double team stuffing, including a weird-thing where Shannon gets slammed onto Storm's knees. Now it's Storm smacking Shannon, then tagging Roode back in so they can do stuff together, briefly. Roode now choking up on Shannon, making him look like a bitch and wiggle his fists in front of his face. He then manages to stand and do exactly what every non-Randy Orton wrestler who tries a Randy Orton chinlock gets done to them. But Roode smacks his shit up and pins him but gets 2.

Storm keeps killshitting Shannon with knees to the head, then goes for another chinlock. The exact same fucking thing I just said ends up happening. Shannon does some shit which ends up in a bulldog by Shannon onto James Swift, and Swift easily tags in Roode while Shannon squeals and tags in Jesse Neal who starts all pushing and shoving and irish whipping Rick Roode. He then clotheslines the Murder guns, just because, and no one thought to use that opportunity to blind-tag or something.

Now the Beer Moneys double team Jesse Neal, only for Bruther Ray to blind-tag in, to bat them out, then roll up Nela, only for the Gunnaz to beat him up, and start double-team spiffiness on Bruther Devon and such. Sabin beats on Storm from the apron, but then Roode trips his ass up, only for Robot Shelley to kick him down. Jesse Neal attacks Devon only for Bruther Ray to attack from behind, and the Dudley Boys goe for a Doomsday Machine and try a tag but Shannon Moop saves him from being all pinned and fallen.

The Team3D start beating on Shannon anyway, but then Jesse Neal shoves Devon away, and all yells at Bruther Ray, only for Ray to just smack the shit out of him. So the Inky guys do stuff to them, with Shannon Moore doing a move on himc alled... ugh... "Mooregasm"... THAT'S THE GREATEST FINISHING MOVE NAME IN THE HISTORY OF OUR SPORT! Oh yes, and then Neal speared Bruther for a winsz.

WINNAR: Jesse Neal and Shannon Moore

BACKSTAGE! Ric Flair mumbles! You know that because we have subtitles for him. Ya, I know! He says Rob Van Dam will LIMP out of TNA SACROFICE. Bank on that. COS RIC FLAIR SAID SO! OH HELLL YEAH

Also backstage, SUBTITLES for Rob Van Dam and Jeff Hardy. Rob Van Dam notes Jeff Hardy has some stuff... all over his face. Hardy's like thanks for bringin him into this match and such and RVD was like "You told me, come to TNA and we're gonna take over" OH NOESZ ANOTHER INVASION etcetera bluhdeebloo, and Hardy's like he's a hooge fan but he's more excited about JEFF HARVEY THE CHARISMATIC ENIGMA being TNA WOrld Champion.

TNA Global Championships
Big "The Freak" Robert Terry (C) vs The Monster Chris Parks

BIG SURPRISE SOMETHING IS HAPPENING IN THE BACK! Camera is sent, and it turns out police are arresting Chris Parks. HE'S ALL LIKE "I DIDNT DO THIS WHERE'S DIXIE WHERE'S HULK, MAN" and such. HE'S A FUCKING MONSTER, YOU DONT ARREST A FUCKING MONSTER! Oh wait, didn't Undertaker get arrested that one time? No, that makes it okay, then. But then he broke out. Or like Goldberg, he got arrested! Then he took 30 minutes DRIVING back to the arena from the police station across the street!

Speaking of failure, here he is to attack Chris Parks, and in the real world, getting arrested as well for assaulting a suspect. Hulk Hogan arrives with Chirs like "I SWER TO GOD I DIDNT DO THIS" and such. Hogan's like "It's gonna be okay" and such. Chris is like "THEY WANT ME TO TAKE MY MASK OFF" and he wantys to keep it on. OH NOESZ They take it off! Hulk Hogan takes it off, then covers him with the hoodie thing. Kane you ain't, fatty.

Meanwhile, OWEN VOICES among the commentators with The Taz all like this is innocent until proven guilty.

Meanwhile, FAGGOTRY ABOUNDS as OrlandO Jordan attacks BIG ROID from behind. HAHAHAAA... behind. He knocked the Freak's Freakishly small testicles, then whallops him with a bar of some kind. He then opens up a deck of playing cards, with one saying "THE WILD CARD" which he places on his back, then drops the rest of them on Terry's back, making the putting that one on just kind of pointless. EXCEPT TO SEND A MESSAGE, YO!

Random Commercial-area Thoughts: That's not how a TV works you idiot!

When we return, Orlando Jordan is still int he ring. HE WANTS TO CUT THE FOREPLAY! He does what he wants to, etcetera, because he is the TNA wild card. He then notes people are shouting and booing and asks them if they want him to leave, to which they affirm in positive. Then allow him to fulfill their every fantasy. Oooh gross. He opens a challenge to anyone in the ring; you want him out of the ring, you take him out. Answering the challenge is Jobber Number 4! And 5 and 6, from the looks of it.

Orlando Jordan vs Tyson Tomko and Tyson Tomko and maybe Tyson Tomko

Holy fucking shit he's gotten even fatter than last time we saw him job. Jobko tackles Jordan quickly, but Jordan trips him up and punches him up. Tomko gets him back and powerslams him or something. He lifts him up for a frontslam but gets tossed into the turnbuckle, then dropkicked. Jordanite punches him up on the ropes, then snapmares him into a chinlock.

Then he kicks his back. Then snapmared again. And chinlocked again. The exact same non-Randy Orton thing happens, and Tomko and him run around, then Tomko cuts his head off with a clothesline or something, according to Mike Tenay. Orlando Jordan then does a Backcracker thingy with his knees. An inverted Codebreaker! He then guillotines Tomko and the match just kind of ends.

WINNAR?: Orlando Jordan

Backstage, Hulk Hogan is all like Chris Parks is not that guy, and such. Lacey then wanders in all like it's all a mistake and gives him her iPhone or something to show him something. He looks at her as though she were showing him gay porn.

Random Commercial-area Thoughts: Mark Henry on the moon knocking out Buzz Aldrin? TRULY WE ARE IN FOR A SPECTACULAR MONDAY NIGHT RAW! Have fun, Inferno Burge.

Backstage, Eric Bischoff SHOOTIES on Tara, complaining about her shitty attitude and such. She whines and bitches, then leaves to go wrestle again.

Sarita vs Tara

Sarita ambushes Tara on the ramp and kicks her up and off the ramp and such. Now she's all pulling on her hair and throws her in the ring, and the match starts. Then Tara crawls out of the ring because she's all old and whiny and heel-y, and Sarita smashes her face on the steel chairs. Tara swings wildly, and gets dropkicked. She then crawls into the ring so Sarita can jump onto the top rope and jump over her. They exchange fighty-ness, and Sarita puts her old ass down and such. Tara whines more and cries all like "NO" and Sarita sort of... no idea what the hell she tried, essentially jumping over her onto the apron.

Sarita then kicks up and stomps on her, and pulls on her leg, undoing her kneebrace, and referee Slick Johnson (HAHAHAA... Slick Johnson). She ends up backing him into the turnbuckle, so he gets all distracted and Tara smashes Sarita in the face with her championship belt and bury the jobber.

WINNAR: Tarantula

She then proceeds to do exactly what she did to Taylor Wilde, because she's a fucking retard who doesn't realize she was put into that match by Eric Bischoff for doing exactly that. I mean, because she's old and forgetful.

Random Commercial-area Thoughts: Hey, I got a question for you. If a husband and wife from Arkansas move to Texas and get a divorce, are they still sister and brother?

Video package for Sting, with Jeff Jarrett talking shit about him. GOOD THINGS, I mean, like calling him iconic and such stuff. The whole content of it, as the narrator states, this DARK SIDE TURN and EVILNESS is UNEXPECTED. All of this was explained more than half a year ago. I seem to be the only person aware of this fact.

But enough of that shit, HERE BE JEFF HARDY!

Jeff Hardy vs AJ Styles vs Rob Van Dam (C)

Outside the ring, a fat Steve Austin looking sumbitch gets nose to nose with AJ and they queer it up with stuff. Then he gets in the ring and it starts with all three of them all bouncing around and such. RVD and Jeff Hardy gang up, standing around Clique-ishly and talking shit about AJ. AJ then pops Jeff one, then tries to pop RVD one, but he soon gets all stomped on by them both, and they go back to talking shit on AJ, and when AJ returns, they double arm takeover him, and take turns on beating on AJ.

Jeff Hardy does a leg dorp on him then tries a pin but RVD pulls him off. And Jeff is surprised why? He tries to kick but RVD catches it, so he can ENZUIGIRI him. AJ then attakcs Jeff in the ring as RVD is tossed out. Hardy reverses into a backdrop something, tries to pin but RVD appears to chase him off. Moron. RVD kicks Jeff down, then kicks AJ into the turnbuckle, pulls him back, and kicks him again. He elevates Hardy, with a big suplesx.

He then does something else onto AJ and tries to pin him, but stuff happens and now Jeff is beating on AJ. With AJ down, he goes to beating on Rob Van Dam with a STONE COLD STUNNER and slams that sumbitch down. He then takes out that jackass AJ Styles, and tries a pin but Rob Van Dam breaks that sumbitch up. AJ starts pounding on them both, starting with Jeff Harvey, then Dragon Screws RVD's leg as he tries some pansy-ass fancy move.

AJ tries an irish whip thing and Rob Van Dam floatovers so AJ can chop up his leg like he said he was going to break it earlier before salivating. Now he goes for a FiggerFour Leglorck. Rob Van all wails and flails and fliggles, when Jeff Harvey leg dorps him. he then gets up to the turnbuckle so AJ can knock his nuts on it. Rob Van regroups, and does a slow, short Monkey Flip thing on him that hurt.

MEANWHILE HERE BE KENNETH ANDERSON to clothesline Jeff Hardy, and referee Brian Hebber (TAZ'S WORDS!) gets taken out somehow. Rob Van saw what was going on and beats on Ken Anderson Anderson and such on the outside, but then AJ jumps and flips over the top rope to slam down on everyone. Anderson Anderson botches his sell so badly he just drops to his knees to hold his head like a queer. AJ throws Rob Van Dam into the ring.

Now in the ring, AJ pins him but puts his feetsies on the rope and pinfalls.

WINNAR: AJ Styles

I fucked up earlier and said this was a championshjip match. I didn't know. Honestly, can you blame me? NO YOU CANT BECAUSE I AM AWESOME! Also because I didn't know. If they said otherwise... they probably lied. Anyway, Anderson Anderson smugs it up on the ramp as though he were somehow instrumental in this match ending. He wasn't. Not at all.

Jeff Hardy calls his ass out on that bullshit and calls him down to the ring to do this. But OH NOESZ it's Hulk Hogan to smirk out with Anderson all like "MMMMNNNNN..." cos he has to go fight now cos he was going to back down or whatever. Hogan's all like "no" with shaking his head. Anderson tries to punch him like a silly bastard, so Hogan weakly I MEAN BEATS HIS FUCKING ASS DOWN LIKE THE FIST OF GOD!

Random Commercial-area Thoughts: The obvious solution to world financial problems is more Koreans.

When we return, the fight is awn as Kennedy Kennedy beats on and gets beaten on by Jeff Hardy. First one, then the other. MEANWHILE WE SHALL SEE THE GAY PORN ON LACEY VON ERICH'S IPHONE! Also, Hardly beats on Anderson, sets him up on a random table then climbs onto the commentator's table, which is much higher elevated. He then poses and does a Kenton Bomb onto the inventor of it, Ken Anderson, but when he did it it was called a Swanton Bomb.

Replays, then a bunch of nothing. Or rather, referees and security checking on MISTER ANDERSON. Then more replays.

NOW TIME FOR THAT FOOTAGE! It's Desmond Fail and Chelsea in a bathroom, tearing up Chelsea's clothes, complete with subtitles. Fail throws water in her face. He also feeds her LINES. These LINES consist of "I'm so scared! He attacked me!" Jeeeesus....

They go over some other stuff, then get ready and go. THEN! Video package for TNA SACKFICE! Then music video... Show over.

TNA YAY: Everyone lived up to the expectations of their broad character strokes I regularly choke them on.

TNA BOO: Sooo many squash matches... THIS SHOULD BE IN THE GOOD COLUMN!

TNA WTF?: Somehow that "Abyss gets arrested" thing ending with the TRUTH prevailing... then show ending... does not make me want to see the PPV to find out what happens next. It feels like a run-on sentence.

You've just been Halonic Death Ray'd, and like I say every week, if I'm not back within two or three weeks, consider me dead.

Feedback if you want: phenomynouss@hotmail.com

Andariel Halo is a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. She can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. She translates ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees. Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, Andy once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. Children trust her. She knows the exact location of every dairy item in the supermarket. She has performed covert operations for the CIA. She's in bed every day, but sleeps once a week, OH! The laws of physics do not apply to her. One time, she shot her friend in the back of the head with a BB gun, and placed all blame on him.

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TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).