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TNA IMPACT RANT

by Andariel Halo

May 12, 2011


iMPACT Wresu. This week I decided to skip it, but then was reminded I still had to recappu. So played Nazi Zombies all day, then comes Friday, more Nazi Zombies, and ultimately the decision to replace my random commercial-area thoughts this week with THE WORST BEHAVIORS IN NAZI ZOMBIES PEOPLE DO THAT PISSES ME OFF WITHOUT END, in roughly chronological order of when they unfold in a match of Nazi Zombies. I don't give a shit if you care or not, this is my column, fuck you.

Speaking of apathy and not caring about being fucked, it's Hulk Hogan backstage waiting for the NETWORK rep with a lead pipe... Bischoff comes and says we can't beat our way out of this thing, we have to think our way out of this, so let's play the game. LOOK OVER YOUR SHOULDER, READY TO RUN, LIKE A GOOD LITTLE BITCH FROM A SMOKING GUN. So move on out here and die like a fool.

So we start with that huge RATINGS draw no one likes, Karen Jarrett and Jeff Jarrett and they decide to come out here tonight YET AFUCKINGGAIN to offer a truce. Instead, the "good guy" Kurt will continue to brutally assault and stalk them, and use Chyna to brutally assault Karen Jarrett, and likely not stop until they're both dead, thus making him and Chyna guilty of first degree murder.

And obviously this is a good thing right? I'm out.

People chant We Want Angle during this promo, meaning they want to see a Benoit concussed Benoit murdalatew two people. Okay. 1.1 ratings, y'all. This week and every week. Forever.

This brings Kurt Angle out and into the ring. He says IT'S OVER KAREN, DONE, no I mean it's done. You see, Karen, after being married to me for over ten years, I think you would realize not to push me the way you've been. Wait, does this imply that Kurt has abused her before, during their marriage? HMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMmmBenoit. He doesn't even know Karen anymore, he doesn't even know why he married her... Why? Why does he think this? This is something that has never been displayed or described at any point ever at all.

Now, Kurt wanted to introduce Chyna now, but Mick Foley wanted to give her a completely arbitrary, unrelated introduction at all. And Jeff knows who she is! They wresu'd for the Intercontinental championship in that company that now owns the world.

Worst Behaviors in Nazi Zombies: The one shithead who leaves the match during the waiting period, or during the countdown, or just as the game fucking starts, typically triggering a chain reaction where the second person leaves, and then the game ends because the game can't go on with just one person, and it cannot go on without the Host.

When we return, Christy Hemme is introducing us to a TNA Knerkouts Match. I swear they are piping in boos, because they sound so mechanical. And Tara is so ugly.

Madison Rayne and Tarantula vs Hardgore Crunchy Cuntry and Miss Tessmacher

Of all the possible things this match could be, it will certainly be a match. And dance they shall! Beginning with the dance is Tarantula and Mickie James, and they lockup, keep locked, and Tara with an arm wrench thing into an arm wrench and then holding the wrist, so James can flip around then drag her down, and then armwrench and such. Meanwhile, not giving a shit, the commentators speculate on WHO IS MISS CHYNA ANGLE WHO JEFF KNOWS ALREADY? Maybe it's his first wife? You know, the one who died in 2007-- oh.

Speaking of awkward, Madison Rayne gets tagged in to play with Mickie James and somehow Mickie James gets tagged out and Miss Tessmacher gets tagged in because even though I was watching, I did not see it at all. Tessmacher gets to thew top rope to do her shitty rollup thing on Madison Rayne, the Victory Egg Roll.

WINNAR: Mickie James and Miss Tessmacher

Now for BACKSTAGE BULLSHIT! Ric Flair appears after who knows how many months. Hogan says YOU SON OF A BITCH FLAIR as he walks into the office. HE'S the one who's been NETWORK representative! Is Hogan really that kayfabe stupid? Even Bischoff is trying to calm them both down because it's obviously not Ric Flair. Because even this suspicion is stupid, Hogan kayfabe apologizes for suspecting him. Flair says screw the network! Yeah, screw them! Who needs Spike TV and this TV deal that TNA would completely die without?

Meanwhile, a limo appears somewhere. COULD THIS BE THE no.

Worst Behaviors in Nazi Zombies: The one fuckass who isn't satisfied picking an empty boarded-up window to shoot at Zombies from at the start of a match, and has to go up next to YOU in YOUR window and start shooting the zombies that YOU should be shooting, essentially stealing kills from you and thus stealing your points. They don't even bother using the "you weren't there" justification of waiting for you to leave the window and run around, but just do it WHILE YOU'RE STANDING RIGHT THERE! I've actually ragequitted more than seven times due to just this, that's how insanely frustrating it is. It's basically like getting food at a cafeteria and having some shithead just reach out and snatch the shit off your tray, and he's not bigger or stronger than you in any way.

Tarantula backstage at the cameraguy bitching at the cameraman with some nonsensical rambling. Madison Rayne then appears somewhere behind her and is all like WHO YOU CALLING A RAT, TARA? and she said I didn't say rat, I said brat. Madison Rayne says when she beats Mickie James no only will she win the title, Tara's life will be HELL. Elsewhere backstage, Tommy Dreamer is on the phone, and the cameraman keeps pestering him. He says I'm on the phone. Then he says it again. Then the cameraman keeps pestering him asking why he did what he did. Who really cares? Tommy just takes off his sunglasses and stares at him.

SUDDENLY AJ STYLES bursts out of a door on the trailer somewhere and is like WHAT'S GOING ON WITH YOU TALK TO ME TELL ME SOMETHING! Tommy says he's too young and too innocent to know what he's going through. Well hell, by TNA standards, he's just a baby. AJ says he's a fucking fullgrown man with three kids. WHO IS YOU Tommy Dreamer? AJ is dumb enough to suspect perhaps it's this EV2.0 thing. Tommy says AJ will NEVER UNDERSTAND! AJ says how about this... you and I at My Sacrifice by Creed. Tommy says YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT I WANT! YOU KNOW EVERYTHING THAT GOES ON IN THE BACK? NO. Etcetera.

Backstage somewhere, Sting is having a PHOTOSHOOT with his TNA world championship belt. Then he comes up to the cameraman guy to say his hands are full with Rob Van Dam and such. He said he was gonna zig when he zagged, but the truth of the matter is, he's gonna be fighting for his life out there, and it can bring out the worst in you but also the best in you.

Worst Behaviors in Nazi Zombies: Greed. Simple as that. This is probably one of the worst. The mroe Zombies you kill, the more points you get, and you use points to buy guns, open doors to enable more areas of the map, etcetera. In the beginning, you start with 500 points and can easily mount up 1000 points in just the first round (first round only has like ten zombies in it). There are shitheads who will sit around without opening a single fucking door, using only their pistol to mount up THOUSANDS of points without spending any on anything except the most basic semi-automatic rifle and using that. I am ALWAYS the person who opens the first door of the map. I am 50% likely to be the person to open the second door. After that, I have literally had situations where me and two or three others (there are four players max in map) LITERALLY BLOCKING the highest-point haver into a corner, FORCING THEM to spend their points opening a door, because they were too fucking GREEDY to fucking open it.

When we return, video package pimping Beer Money and the return of Chris Harris as Matt Hardy's secret partner not to be revealed until later tonight during that match. KNOCK KNOCK! Who's there? Mediocrity.

Beer Munnies comes out now with Robert Roode claiming how Matt Harvey said he'd call someone named Chris Harris to tag with him at TNA Saccerfice. Robert Roode says they know who he talking about, so come out here right now so they can accept his challenge FACE TA FACE! Matt Hardy comes out lazily to be all like Robert Roode became a MAN last week by calling out Hulk Hogan... because he totally wasn't already doing that constantly for months now. Matt Hardy thinks that these guys are worthless nobody-neverwillbes. You know what gives him the right ot say that? That he's a worthless nobody-neverwillbe too! He says James Storm was raised to be a drunk cowboy. Cowboy? And Robert Roode was raised to be annoying and an egomaniac. I KNOW YOUJ ARE BUT WHAT AM I?! HUHUHCK!

James Storm say lemme cut you off you're wasting your breath and everyone's time because you're talking about stuff people already know, that the Harvey Boys WERE great, etcetera. Beer Money then come outside the ring to the bottom ramp where Mat Harvey is, and Hardy's like... wigging back and forth like a Street Fighter or Mortal Kombat competitor standing idle before a round starts. I'm totally serious. Totally legit. Storm basically threatens to rape Matt's girlfriend or something and demands he bring Jeff Hardy out. Matt says it will happen when he wants it to, at TNA Sacrofice and if these piece of shit fans want to see the Harvey Boys, they need to pay money. But his partner isn't Jeff, it's Chris Harris.

This is definitely where Matt and him met! Then nothing.

Worst Behaviors in Nazi Zombies: Box-camping! The bane of many later-round games. All the Nazi Zombie maps have "Random Boxes" where for 950 points (the average SMG costs 1000, rifle costs 600), you can receive a random weapon, including some hidden weapons that are most powerful in the game. There is always one or two shitheads who will seek out these boxes, and fucking camp on it, needing to be the first to use them. In later rounds, when Zombies start flooding in by the HUNDREDS, and we need to fall back to a defensible position, there will be those shitheads who will IGNORE the defensibl eposition and go camp on a random box, constantly gambling for bigger shit EVEN WHEN THEY ALREADY HAVE THE BEST WEAPONS IN THE GAME just for the sake of gambling, in fully exposed positions, ending up dead and forcing some poor fool among us to leave the defensible position in order to go and rescue them, or else ragequitting when no one goes to rescue them from their idiocy.

When we return, it's a match.

Sangriento vs Suicide

Again? Or is this a new matchup? BLOODY SUICIDE! Great for the children. They lockup, and the masked guy puts the masked guy int he corner, and irish whip but the masked guy bounces off, then runs at him in the corner and steps up him, then he does a swinging hurricanrana thing on him after an irish whip thing. Then he goes and does a flipping tornillo over the top rope onto Suicide, I mean the masked guy, and it's a shame that this won't draw a dime and won't contribute shit to ratings. SANGRIENTO lifts his mask a bit to show his mouth, then puts it back down. Why? What was that? Suicide gets on him to punch him up. Then irish whip Sangriento and put him in some lazy-looking move.

Now he picks up the red guy, and he slaps at Suicide, then they styart lazily touching each other with their hands, then Sangriento with an enzuigiri thing roundkick on him. Suicide in the corner and Sangriento goes and hits a wheel kick on him. Spinny thing and a flippy-dippy thing around to DDT by Sangriento onto Suicide and pin gets 2. Sangriento gets to the top rope and tries a front flippy thing which Suicide moves aside and Sangriento rebounds easily, and Suicide hits some stupid-looking move that is like the Canadian Destroyer in needing cooperation from the other person. Sangriento does somet thing on the turnbuckle with Suic, then a back kick on him and he does a springboard RKO and pinwin.

WINNAR: The Amazing Red

Enough of that shit, TIME FOR WCW-RELATED BULLSHIT as Hogan and Bischoff and Flair strut out to old up the place and kill interest and excitement and ratings and wrestling and action. Hogan says the games are over, if you have a cell phone, internet, telegraph, iphone, ipad, fax machine, and you don't know Hulk HOgan is in control of TNA, you've been living under a rock. All 7 billion of you.

Worst Behaviors in Nazi Zombies: Greedy bastards with the random box. Typically the same types as mentioned above, but some people even do this as standard. Only one person can use the box at a time, and it takes several seconds for the weapon to rise to be snatched, and it will slowly descend back into the box if it isn't taken. In this time you can be killed 9000 times over by later-round Zombies who run at full speed at you. When you die, you respawn at the end of the round with only a pistol. Usually when you respawn, you need to get a new weapon and you have enough points to use the random box. THESE GREEDY FUCKS WILL HOG THE BOX ALL TO THEMSELVES, EVEN TO PREVENTING SOMEONE WHO NEEDS IT FROM USING IT. And this gets worse with the Teddy Bear. If you get a Teddy Bear in the box, the box will disappear and move to a different part of the map. I have been in many games where I had no gun but the fucking pistol, rushed at the box, only to have some greedy fuck bump ahead of me, hit the random box, get the Teddy Bear, and leave me with nothing against the hordes of zombies coming after us. Not only does this put someone weak at risk, but it also siphons them from points, since killing zombies gets you points, and you need bigger and better guns in later rounds.

When we return, Karen Jarrett and Jeff Jarrett are in the ring too, for no real reason except for Chyna's announcement and the whole OHHHZ SHOCK! Hogan demands the NETWORK rep in his ring now, and Mick Foley comes out. He's all YOU THOUGHT YOU WERE THE SMARTEST MAN IN THE BUSINESS HURRDURR and then there was March 3rd when IMMORTAL formed and the NETWORK came and introduced the icon Sting, and this SOMEHOW caused their plans to unravel. Seriously? How the fuck was Sting a detriment to Immortal? That's like saying the property value on your house was ruined because those asshole neighbors across the street had sex in your front yard once in the middle of the night last October and now you can't sell your house. Mick Foley shoves Eric Bischoff down, then threatens Hulk Hogan to punch him, and says if he does, they'll be fired, because MICK FOLEY is the NETWORK executive. Remember when that guy said SHE last week? TNA doesn't.

Mick Foley says it's about WRESTLING, and WRESTLING matters, which is why we've only had two matches thus far tonight an hour in to the show. THIS SHOW is no longer TNA Wrestling, he says, it is Impact Wrestling. I JUST DID IT! I JUST DID! And every time you hear the name Impact, you will know you'll think back to this day and know when TNA stopped making a profit on their merchandise, having to have all their TNA shit trashed and new Impact stuff made. Now the NEW main event... a 25 man battle royal. THAT'S WRESTLING he says. So he's going to reveal who Kurt Angle's tag team partner is at Sacrifice. Does that mean his mistress too that he's bene pimping for the past few weeks? They don't bother clarifying. I think they no longer care about that element anymore. It's Chyna, anyway.

SPEAKING of Impact and WRESTLING MATTERING; commercials.

Worst Behaviors in Nazi Zombies: This one has probably made me ragequit the most times, and it feels most satisfying to do when I'm Tank Dempsey, and therefore the host of the game, and the whole fucking game ends when I quit; in later rounds of Nazi Zombies, people will use their grenades to blow off the legs of one or two zombies, then kill off the entire horde and leave just the one zombie dragging his ass around slowly. This way they can freely move about the level for a period of time, use the random box, re-build barriers, etcetera. Except that the people who died during the round stay dead until that one zombie is killed. Meaning there are instances where I and others have died out, and wait on the round to end, only for smug shits to leave that one zombie alive so they can fucking camp on the Random Box for five minutes, and otherwise do nothing. Then they further humiliate us waiting on them by taunting the legless zombie, running around it, jumping over it, etcetera. I don't mention it because it's a quick break they take to regroup and refuel, I'm mentioning it because they fucking exploit this shit to run around and do nothing for LONG PERIODS OF TIME. I love seeing the shitheads stall a round so they can soup up their guns, or find their favorite toy in the Random Box, and suddenly have the screen go black when I exit the fucking game as host.

We get a recap of what just happened before the commercial. Apparently this means something like CHECKS AND BALANCES with him, which indicates that TNA was incompetent enough to allow him to go on unchecked for almost a year or so by now.

Backstage now, Mick Foley is with Chyna for no real reason, talking about how great it is to be here and such, and adrenaline and emotion was pouring out and it feels damn good to be back on a show where WRESTLING MATTERS! He says he wanted Hogan to hit him so he could fire him and Bischoff and Flair, but he didn't do it anyway because he is a bad man. He is a very very bad man. AOOOOOOOWW have mercaaay.

Backstage somewhere else, the Worst Nazi Zombie player Mister Anderson whines and bitches about how it was MICK FOLEY who was denying him his rematch and such, because much like Christian Weston Chandler, he cannot comprehend how his own actions and poor decisions are the direct and only result of his predicament and troubles, and instead blames either the person trying to help him, or someone completely unrelated to the issue as being responsible. Seriously, what is Anderson's appeal?

Abyss vs The Amazing Crimson vs Samoa Joe

Isn't there going to be a match between Abyss and Crimson this Sunday? So why give that match here and such? And they pimp CAN ABYSS BEAT CRIMSON'S UNDEFEATED STREAK? So wouldn't that mean that Crimson has to win this match or else that pimpage was blatant lies and bullshit? Much like this match? Random, meaningless, pointless filler? Let me tell you a severely long story about I wrote an essay in MIDDLE school arguing that one of the main causes for the Confederacy's defeat in the US Civil War was that the South believed they would win simply because they were more cultured than the North.

ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? A middle school little baby writing an essay about THAT? That's fucking Grad school shit! I know because I took a University course on the history of the Old South, a 300-level course, reading intensive, writing intensive, and ONLY THEN did I understand that concept, and I STILL cannot explain this mindset and its direct application to the war effort. And yet I got a B on that essay anyway. Does that mean I'm a child prodigy and the greatest mind to ever come from this household? I'm not saying that, but I am directly and arrogantly implying it.

What was my point with that story? That in the same amount of time it took me to type that distraction up, this match ended, and it ended exactly the way I said it would.

WINNAR: The Amazing Crimson

Joe looks angryface like he gonna sneak up on Crimson and beat him, but takes so long in doing it that it looks stupid. Abyss ambushes Crimson instead, and Joe leaves, and says to the camera "You live by the sword, you die by the sword, boay" and Mike Tenay is in agreement with him here!

Worst Behaviors in Nazi Zombies: I'm starting to run out of major ones now, so I'll have to start bickering. In the map Der Riese, the best defensible position is a catwalk, with only one way in, and a spill-out area at the end where a Random Box can appear. It has cages and railings to keep you from falling out, and there are open windows where you can shoot at the zombies who run into the building at you. In order to get at you, they have to run into the building, run up the stairs, and run down the catwalk to you, a solid chokepoint that becomes THE entrenching point of the game. And there is always some dumb fuck who decides not to stick with the pack, and go running around the map with zombies chasing them, whining when they get killed, ragequitting when no one rescues them, and causing the rest of us to die because instead of FOUR combined machine guns and lasers firing at zombies, there are only three or two, and the zombies multiply with each level.

Rob Van Dam backstage mumbles something about something. I don't know what he's talking about. It's like a series of run-on questions about generic wrestling-related stuff.

Battle Royal

This starts with everyone in the ring, except for FOURTUNE, all five of them. Jesus... Obviously no one who got a jobber non-entrance will win. IMMORTAL then gets their entrance. How do I cover a Battle Royal without devolving into more Nazi Zombie bitching or telling severely long stories about things only I care about? I will have to go back to a severely long story to solve that issue, about the time I taped WWF Raw on VHS's back in 2001 and such. For some reason, of all of them, the most memorable bits involve hearing Paul Heyman on commentary, and seeing a Dudley Boys promo.

Oh hey, ANderson gets his own separate entrance as well. He wins.

WINNAR: Anderson with his shithead matted hair

Oh that's right, I went there. NO WAIT! Kurt Angle gets his own entrance too! CONTROVERSY! Who wins now? I will have to dictate by only covering the actions of ANgle and Anderson and maybe some of Immortalia in order to keep it simplified. The British people get eliminated immediately because no one likes them. I can't see Kurt Angle but Anderson is being beaten up on by invisible men. Because only IMMORTAL and FOURTUNE and Angle and Anderson are in this match. Oh hey, it's Pope. He's gonna leave TNA soon. Beer Money is beating on people, and some people are on the ropes, and Anderson Anderson is doing something.

Eric Young is standing around on the apron for some reason, and now he's runnign side to side on the apron until Jeff Jarrett grabs him and pulls him in to stomp on before moving on to someone else. Angle clings to the bottom rope and Anderson is trying to toss out someone. Can't see anyone else doing something. Beer Moneys beating up on some FREAK who is NOT A HARD MANDA FEIN! Inking get elminated. Robbie V gets eliminated by Matt Morgan, who gets special mention for being the Kane of this battle royal. Also, because I enjoy this: Eric Young eliminated Gunner. The company Eugene eliminated the Intercontinental champion. Young then eliminates himself, and steals the TV championship belt and runs away.

Worst Behaviors in Nazi Zombies: When the game reaches a point in late levels in Der Riese, it's common for there to be only one man left standing late in the round against the remaining hundred zombies or so. This is not new; I've seen several dumb fucks whose strategy is NOT to fortify the aforementioned BEST DEFENSIBLE POSITION EVER, but to do a far riskier technique which I actually approve of; Transporter hopping. Because they have tons of points by this time, they can afford to spend 1500 points to use the transporter. It kills any zombies who come close, and teleports the character to the beginning of the map, and gives them one special bonus thing, like a Nuke, or insta-kill, or Carpenter, Max Ammo, etcetera. This is okay; Where the DUMB FUCKS come in, is when they sit in a transporter, and WAIT FOR THE ZOMBIES TO COME CLOSE TO THEM before shooting. For reference, this would basically be the equivalent of NOT throwing one guy out of the ring in a Royal Rumble when you're all alone and he comes in, but WAITING for FOUR OTHER GUYS to come in all at once and deal with them together. These DUMB FUCKS don't start shooting until the zombies are DANGEROUSLY close. Even after repeated instances, they STILL prefer to use the transporter to kill the zombies around them rather than shoot at them and pick them off from afar, and they STILL DO NOT REALIZE THAT THERE IS A FOUR SECOND DELAY BEFORE IT WORKS IN WHICH THE ZOMBIES CAN KILL THE FUCKING SHIT OUT OF YOU BECAUSE YOU DIDN'T BOTHER TO SHOOT AT THEM WHEN THEY WERE FURTHER AWAY.

When we return it's the battle royal. Jeff Jarrewtt is threatened off by Christopher Daniels, and Matt Morgan goes to try, but Jeff pokes Matt Morgan in the eye... and it's SUCH AN EYE POKE OF DOOM that even Christopher Daniels sells it. KAAAZ then gets suplayed over the top rope by Jarrey. Devon beats on Jeff, but BULLY Ray hits him. The Taz believes they have had 5000 championships as a tag team. James Swift tries to elminate Matt Harvey, but they fight on the apron some, and both fall off. This is going on really long. Matt Hardy eliminates Robert Roode when the referees are busy dealing with Storm and Hardy being stupid. Morgan beats on Hernando in the corner, and then clotheslines him out. Then Morgan gets thrown out by Scott Steiner, and Morgan holds his arm while BULLY Ray chucks him out. Then he goes to beat up on Devon.

Jarrett and BULLY Ray try to shove Kurt Angle over the top but fail. Devon now beating up on His Holy Darkness rather than BULL YRay who is doing nothing in the corner. Realizing this gap in logic, BULLY Ray goes and kicks Devon in the head. Then he kicks AJ in the head, because he's smart. He then tells Tommy Dreamer to do what he's told to do. Angle almost elminates Jarrett, but BULLY Ray throws Kurt over the top, and he hits the apron and rolls back in.

His Holy Darkness jumps on AJ in the cvorner and and then goes after Devon for no real reason, for brutha on brutha violence. Devon then irish whips him into the corner and splashes on AJ. Then he falls out of the ring when Pope lowers the top rope for him. He then taunts, and Angle sneaks up on him from behind, and clotheslines him out, because he's black, and Kurtle is white.

Worst Behaviors in Nazi Zombies: Directly related to the box-campers and all around idiots, there's the type too selfish or otherwise thick to bother saving people in legitimate danger. I utterly hate it when the round is almost totally clear of zombies, or Insta-Kill bonus is up, and I've gone off to save someone, or find a weapon, or find ammo, and some fucking zombie manages to down me, and I sit there, kill them, and wait for help to come, and no help comes. Then I make the decision; if I'm feeling generous, I won't ragequit if I see that my allies were trying to get to me, running to my location but ultimately too late. But often enough, I find that not only have they not bothered to find me, but they're sitting all the fucking way across the map, typically in the defensible position mentioned, sitting there and waiting for the crippled remains of that zombie horde to crawl towards them rather than going out to save people.

When we return, BULLY Ray was almost eliminated. Now we're down to just BULLY Ray, Tommy Dreamer, AJ Styles, Anderson Anderson Anderson Anderson Anderson Anderson Anderson Anderson, Kurtle, and Jeff Jarrey. AJ punches on Jarrett and BULLY, and a lot of slams and stomps and wrestling and such now. Angle irish whips Tommy Dreamer and his bald spot and back elbow him. AJ Styles dropkicks BULYL Ray and BULLY Ray jumps over the top rope but hangs on. Dreamer eliminates AJ, then helps BULLY Ray in and glares at him, then slap hands, but then BULLY Ray thwos him out. Jeff then points to Angle and Anderson with BULLY Ray and Jarrett goes after Angle and BULLY Ray goes after Anderson Anderson. Lots of Royal Rumble-style hanging onto the ropes and such.

Anderson does some generic back elbows on BULLY Ray, and Angle tosses him through the ropes out of the ring Jarrett and Angle fight some and such with lots of tossing around and clotheslines. Angle tries to Olympic Slam Jarrett out, but Karen sort of... holds his leg? How does that even affect him in stopping the move? Karen does it again, and Kurt GRABS HER BY THE HAIR AND PULLS HER UP ONTO THE APRON A CLEAR CASE OF MALE ON FEMALE VIOLINS! I'm surprised she isn't bleeding from her head pores. Jeff poses like an idiot, and Chyna rolls her fat inside, and throws Jarrett out. And this counts why?

BULLY Ray and Anderson then crawl in confrtongin one another. Look, I'm tired. It's past midnight.

WINNAR: Anderson, the worst Nazi Zombie player

Good God this episode was longer than most. I started at 8pm, ended at 12:30am. And since this is TNA< we end with pointless post-show promos that only indirectly and randomly plug the PPV. Based on Sting's tone in saying "WRESTLING MATTERS", TNA's new motto, I get a feeling that catchphrase is going to rape them in the ass like so many big black guys on a busty young redhead. See, it's funny because wrestling doesn't matter to TNA; they have less wrestling than WWE.

TNA YAY: The matches weren't actually offensive, as it seemed as though certain competitors were actually bothering to wrestle and didn't seem to not care at all

TNA BOO: Everyone is a vanilla midget here, except the guys not being pushed.

TNA WTF: I spent all day Thursday and most of the day today playing Nazi Zombies on Call of Duty World at War, almost exclusively the level Der Riese

Like I used to say a long while ago, if I don't return within a year, consider me dead.

Go play on my fucking Twitter Commander Halo

Feedback if you fucking want: phenomynouss@hotmail.com

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Andariel Halo is a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. She can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. She translates ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees. Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, Andy once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. Children trust her. She knows the exact location of every dairy item in the supermarket. She has performed covert operations for the CIA. She's in bed every day, but sleeps once a week, OH! The laws of physics do not apply to her. One time, she shot her friend in the back of the head with a BB gun, and placed all blame on him.

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TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).