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by Andariel Halo

May 5, 2011

Tonight I welcome you to zimpact. The only note I bother saying is there will be no random commercial-area thoughts because I forgot all the commercials when I was busy recounting the episode from memory.

What the hell is wrong with the writers and bookers in TNA? Why are they doing what they're doing, knowing that people are responding poorly, ratings are in perpetual stagnation, on a constant downward slide, only interrupted by their semi-weekly "SURPRISE!" events where they bring in some former WWE or former WCW or former TNA guise for a big return thing, do nothing, then leave. The only possible explanations I can logically think of are; They're ignoring the IWC sentiments (which given Russo's reputation, is dubious) and going simply by the constant screaming of the iMPACT Zone crowd, totally oblivious to the fact that they could have Hulk Hogan give a 40 minute speech every week and they'd still be screaming enthusiastically. Or they're in on it; they want TNA to fail, and are intentionally trying to make Spike TV and Panda Energy drop them, but won't just outright quit because Panda Energy is stupid enough to keep giving them money.

So we open this week with last week's stuff involving the guy, and Hulk Hogan claiming stuff is like a double-fisted kangaroo or something. And just in case you were like me and decided eating corn was more profitable than watching their main event, we get a replay of AJ Styles kicking BULLY Ray in the head in the match and shenanigans, Sting retains. Apparently the NETWORK is coming.

Also, IMMORTAL in the ring, because we're finally going to end that "Total Nonstop Action" joke and admit that this show doesn't have nonstop anything good and just call it iMPACT Wresu. Because when those panda fuckers started attacking, they totally called themselves RAW Wrestling! RAW Smackdown on Friday nights... no they didn't. To be fair, Impact is likely better than any stupid initials they could put together.

What was my point? IMMORTAL is already in the ring and Rob Van and Sting come down, but then TNA OFFICIALS come down to wave their arms arouhnd, and you KNOW IT'S SERIOUS BUSINESS because it's D'Lo Brown, Al Snow, and that other guy! Hogan says No they don't wanna fight! Because lemme tell you something, we would've stayed out here all night long, and these two would always hve the three stooges here to hold them back. They already stand out there all fucking night anyway. Hogan bitches saying he wants to know who the NETWORK rep is, and enough of Sting's headgames of tic tac toe, and you better tell me right now or IMMORTAL will wipe them two out, accomplish not only buttfuck nothing, but completely eliminate their only source of information, and then ask stupid questions like "Why are we so stupid that we beat them up and such?" and "Why are we still on TV with this shit?"

Sting says NEXT WEEK (zzz) you will meet the NETWORK rep face to face, and he, no SHE (hurrdurr Dixie Carter?) will deal with you then, Huck. IMMORTAL then beat up on Al Snow and D'Lo Brown and the other guy. Sting and Rob Van run in, and FOURTUNE comes in to beat them up, all five of them. Jesus...

Robert Roode is like HEY HEY DONT YOU TAKE ANOTHER FREAKIN STEP HOGAN YOU COWARD TURN AND FACE ME YOU SON OF A BITCH I SCREAM I have listened to you talk over the last six months and I've HAD IT! We all have. It's time for him to start listening to Roode and say he's not going to sit and talk about how me and my buddies built this company from scratch, and how him Bischoff and Flair cashed in on their decay, and he thought he knew Hogan taught him to pray eat vitamins nom nom nom and inspired to be a pro wrestlier.

But he posesses one thing that Hogan does not, and it's called gullibility I mean pride. He's proud of the fact that he gets into this ring and busts his ass and still earns a shitload less than Hulk Hogan ever did ever, even in TNA. Roode says he earns every penny he made, because he TOTALLY didn't have a rich-ass grandfather who left him millions of dollars, prompting the whole Rich guy money thing and join up with James Storm to form "BEER MONEY" and have Eric Young as his former slave thing, and he's TOTALLY a blue collar worker

Okay stop. No. It's one thing to negate a gimmick after the fact like Triple H with Kane and Katie Vick or Undertaker with his biker gimmick no longer claiming to be a deadman, but Robert Roode is technically STILL THE RICH GUY! HE'S STILL THE MONEY IN BEER MONEY! I've a headache. He says Hogan's raped TNA and such, and that Hogan fired Jay Lethal. Stop snitchin, daw! Are they seriously drawing Jay Lethal's shitcanning in and trying to justify their own failoings by saying it was Hogan's doing? Roode will properly introduce himself to you; my name is Bobby Roode. And I am the man who's gonna stand up to you you selfish son of a bitch. Wait, why are people cheering his introduction? We know who he is. Next week, EVERYTHING IS GONNA CHANGE! iMPACT Wrestling.

Backstage somewhere, Jarrett and Jarrett are pounding on Velvet Sky's door. Because Karen's retarded, she figures Velvet Sky IS Kurt Angle's mistress, so she should dry off and such and meet them in the ring. Why is she got her makeup on before anything else? Later up next, Sin Cara debuts in TNA! I mean... fuck, I can't transcribe what I heard. Sangriento I think. According to my awesome understanding of Spanish, it means Bloody. That's it.

Backstage somewhere, Matt Hardy smugs it up with Roode being re-introduced and such. Well let me re-introduce myself; My name is Stone Cold Blooded Steve Hardy, and he's one half of the most washed up tag team no longer wrestling together. He's gonna get someone to team with him at TNA My Sacrifice for the TNA Tag team titles. He says Roode shoulda stayed in the back and such, and it would've guaranteed him longevity, health, and a long career, but now he can't promise him that.

Suicide (from PARTS UNKNOWN) vs Bloody Not-Margie

He gets intorduced as "San-gree-en-toe" which tis BAD PRONOUNCIATION MUY MAL PUTA MIERDA SO CAL VAL PERRA STUPIDA. The Taz tells us he was once gonna be a luchador and be called Khyron. Match begins with HEADLOCK then bumped into a run and GENERIC SHOULDERBLOCK by Suiczide, then some flippydippy dodging, and Suicide with GENERIC HAND SLAP DOWN! Then an irish whip and tilt a whirl reversed into an arm drag. SANGRIENTO slips out from the bottom rope, catches SUicide outside, and hurricanrana's him while he was in the ring and Suic was out of it. Amazing Red then tries to do something on the apron but Suicide slaps his feet away, and pushes him in for a pin gets 2.

He then puts Amazing Red in the cortner, and some clotheslines repeatedly in the corner and pin gets 2. Suizider tries to pick himn up but he pops him one, then slides between his legs and puts him down in the corner and such but gets dropkicked down and Suizide pin gets 2. The Taz must call him Sangria, and Mike Tenay knew he'd go there HAHA alcohol. Side slam thing by the red guy on the Red guy and pin gets 2. Siuzide picks him and pushes him in the corner, then runs at him, grabs his foot, but Sangriento slips away and gets to the second rope to dropkick Suicide from the back and pin gets 2.

He then gets to the corner in the other way, and does a very bad-looking hurricanrana which ha SUicizde forced to jump with barely any contact. Suicide kicks him down when he tries to do a run thing, andgets his face creamed in the corner, and Suicide tells all the children to shoot themselves in the head, and tries to do something on Sangriento, but he hit L and R at the same time and counters his finisher, then does a springboard back cutta.

WINNAR: Sangriento

MERE SECONDS after the end of the match, we return to what TNA is REALLY ABOUT: GRUMPY OLD MEN FROM WCW! Eric Bischoff has to deal with Hogan threatening to beat up everyone on the roster and whining. Somehow they think it might be Ric Flair, and start tyalking shit about him... because he's totally not a heel again who turned on FOURTUNE and is in IMMORTAL now... good God. They STILL suspect Flair even as we cut out.

When we return, WRESTLING! No, just kidding. Too much of that shit too soon. We got Mexican Americaaaaans in the ring with Mexican decorations and tons of confetti. They must stand up and salute their new national flag, and ANarquia squeals his irritating voice. He looks like an adult Chavo Guerrero. We get a pan shot of some really racist-looking guys chanting USA. We here to celebrate the BATTLE OF PUEBLA! Where an outnumbered Mexican force defeated the French, the 3rd or 4th nastiest, most powerful motherfuckers in the world at that time (1862) well before their humiliating comedy defeat in the Franco-Prussian War of 1871. But you won't learn any of that on TNA. Stick with me, man, I'm full of great information like this.

Like Hernandez said, YOU PEOPLE WILL! SALUTE! THE MEXICAN FLAG! Because this land is not chor land anymore, but will soon belong to los Mexicanos. Seriously, what's the basis for this whole thing?

Here to class it up, we invite WILLIE URBINA AND HECTOR GUERRERO the Spanish announcer guise, bringing a bottle of tequila they had on the table with them. I bet I'm more spic than half the people in this fucking ring. I know Sarita's fucking Canadian. Checkeddao esse', they got Hector with his suit and trimmed mustache, y aqui.... EY we got WILLIE URBINA! Who? Exactrly. What are YOU doing here, homes? Oooooooo bitch! El no es Mexicano, he's Puerto Rican. Uh oh, I'm not Mexican either. Hector is all like trying to defend him, but they're like POR LOS MEXICANOS! IF YOU WITH HIM, YOU NOT WITH US, you a race traitor. Race traitor! Typical racist excuse to kill people of their own race. They gonna give both of them a proper American burial.

This mysteriously brings out Ink inc for no real reason... They beat them up. Four questions: Why are they being cheered? Why are they together without any problems? Why are they suddenly ultra-American patriots? Who gives a shit about them to cheer the way they did?

Jesse Neal says as long as there are Americans like them willing to fight for America, this will stay our country. He will now translate for them what he said, and goes full-on racism mode! Get your green cards and please let the door hit your ass on the way out. His words exactly. HOORAY RACISM!

Up next, THIS

BULLY Ray and Gunna vs AJ Styles and Christopher Daniels

I wish I could've recapped Raw with its barely-there wrestling and The Rock. Cameron Burge is really terrible at his job. He actually bothers to play by play the matches straightly, and always skims over the great idiocy, and acts like The Rock kissing Mae Young is a horror the likes of TNA. I thought it was wicked awesome burn. Much like that sensation you get after having sex with your girlfriend not knowing she'd been sucking cocks for Coca Cola all month in Tallahassee. You don't know it, but she was. See, I'm insinuating she's a slut who has a sexually transmitted disease that you now have because you are a bad person for letting your female betray you. Not a bad one, though, something curable, like gonorrhea. I'm not a horrible person.

The match though. I totally missed most of it talking about your whore of a girlfriend. I know because I was the one who filled her goblet with piss for her to drink. AJ was gonna do something but BULLY Ray wiggled the ropes and tripped his ass up. People chant for DEVON when BULLY Ray gets in. Silly people, he's not Devon! He's white. Speaking of white people, TOMMY DREAMER comes in for his blatantly obvious heel turn. It's obvious because he didn't just attack BULLY Ray right away. Oh wait, it's not a heel turn, Tommy is sadface, and BULLY Ray is like GOOD CHOICE which means obviously he threatened Tommy with something. See, I pick up on things like this because I can see his face.

WINNAR: AJ Styles and Christopher Daniels

Because TNA fans aren't bright, we have a BACKSTAGE SEGMENT showing fugee-face now angrily pounding on locker and tables and making like he gonna cry, and pounding on the fallen lockers and such. Then we go backstage elsewhere where AJ Styles apparently got brain damage as his hands are trembling and such with Christopher and KAAZ. Because only women are retarded in TNA, they IMMEDIATELY SUSPECT THAT SOMETHING IS WRONG HERE WITH TOMMY DREAMER, and NOT decide to say "well whatever, it wasn't your decision, but you're gonna die now, Angelina Love"

Elsewhere backstage, BULLY Ray sees Matt Harvey and asks how he's dooin. Did uyou see what just happened? Dreamer ain't stupid. He knows. He's got two twin girls at home, a family, and he's doing what he's gotta do to keep his yob. NO ONE would stand up to Immortal. He LOOKS stupid, but he's not stupid, says BULLY Ray of Tommy Dreamer. He says he's gonna enjoy toying with his head.

Speaking of toying with heads, the Jarretts wandering about backstage to meet with Velvet Sky, because.... elsewhere, we find Winter putting green skittles into Hoodoo Love's mouth. And this show is supposed to be TV-14? LOL IRONY BECAUSE THE KIDDIE SHOW THAT IS WWE IS PUTTIGN ON REAL MATURE AND SENSIBLE STORYLINES ABOUT COMPETITION, HUMAN EMOTIONS, AND PERSONALITY STRUGGLES, WHILE THE BIG PEOPLE ADULT SHOW THAT IS TNA IS PUTTING ON SLEAZY CARTOON STORYLINES FEATURING REAL LIFE MAGIC AND SUPERPOWERS AND RACIAL REVOLUTIONS AND AN OWNER WITH NO CONTROL OVER THEIR COMPANY AT ALL! Except that last part is true, hurrdurr.

When we come down to the ring here, we hae Angle Jarrett and Jeff Jarrett coming down to remind us he ain't dead, no he ain't DAAAD, and he does not want to hear our big mouths up in his world his world. FUCKING MIKE TENAY says that Karen feels like Kurt has a hit out on her. BECAUSE HE FUCKING DOES, YOU FUCKING IDIOT! Velvet Sky comes out, with her NEW GLITTER VIDEO which says, and I quote: "Velvet Sky" "Holler" "Velvet Sky" "Hollering" End of line.

Apparently the mystery is over, Velvet is the mistress, and it was obvious to everyone who was scripted by Russo to think it obvious. See, because every Knockout she intarviewed has been Knerkouts Champion EXCEPT Velvet Sky. That doesn't even begin to resemble a legitimate line of suspicion. She says this is because Velvet does not like being a slut and wants to whore herself out for a thoroughbred like Kurt Angle. Velvet says she gonna tell her again what she said last week BRACE YOURSELF I have no idea what you're talking about, Karen. Seriously? SHe doesn't understand it? YOU = KURT ANGLE GIRLFRIEND. THAT IS ALL SHE'S SAYING OF VELVET!

She says she would never stoop so low as to sleep with someone to get ahead here. Because you can't get ahead here. And now that Hoodoo Love and Velvet Sky are no longer BFFs because Velvet Sky is a retard, Velvet wants to be Knerkout's Champion or something. She then says she has important bidness to tend to and tries to leave, but Karewn touches her again. WHAT BIDNESS WOULD DAT BE HUHGHUGHGUHGUGHUGHUGHSWUH*IWJHTNGIWSFJR MOETHERVCUCKIENRASF?!?@# lap dance.

Karen somehow thinks that Velvet Sky is still Kurt's mistress, and says Jeff knows people, and has arranged for a handicapeable match tonight of Winter and Hoodoo Love vs some wrestler called Wai O'Yu. Sounds vaguely IrishAsian. Hoodoo Love and Winter come out now to their Harry Potter MIDI intro with Evanescence ripoff. Karen calls her "Winner"

Also, we get a big fucking closeup of this:

Woof. Kurt Angle comes out, and good god he's gotten really skinny... it's noticeable with that shirt he's wearing. Jeff gets ont he apron like I gotta go and such. But Kurtle promised the NETWORK he wouldn't do anything he would regret. The NETWORK rep he spoke to who will be here next week has actually TRUMPED Hogan and Bischoff tonight. They gonna have a mixed tag handicapeable match which means Kurt will be in Velvet's corner, and Jeff Big Daddy is gonna be in their corner, and Karen will get her husband's ass on a silver platter tonight. Oh and one more thing before she trollies to the back; Velvet wants to invite you to the main event so she can beat your ass afterwards. But when all is said and done, she's gonna put Karen over her knee and... do what her mommy should've done to her a long time ago. In the ass.

Remember what I said earlier about grumpy old men from WCW? MOAR OF THAT NAO! ALL OF A SUDDEN KURT ANGLE CAN JUST PICK UP THE PHONE AND TALK TO THE NETWORK REP AND SUCH and Bischoff is mad as Murphy and Big Roid appear and say they can take care of stuff for him. Bischoff says he's upset because the world is populated by people like you two, who don't really commit. So... tonight they're in a match tonight, and the winner is in IMMORTAL and the loser is gone. Because they're dummies, they stare down each other like they really gonna do it and Bischoff runs off a winnar.

Speaking of which, backstage now the Amazing Crimson meanders about backstage with a sledgehammer... is he a heel now? He's calling out Samoa Joe. Seriously, what the fuck... is he suddenly a heel?

Murph Murph vs Big Rob Terry

This starts out like a contest between men. Big manly muscly men. They punch each other, and then slam into each other, then Roid clotheslines the random jobber guy and pin gets 2. I'm watching this here. Pin gets 2. Murph Murph pinned I mean, and now he's on top of the british guy and punching him up. More punching on, and Murph Murph gets shoved in the corner by Big Roid so he can slam his shoulder into Murph's crotch. Then more, then he runs at him but gets slapped shoulder to shoulder, and Murphy with a standing backdrop-sideslam thing.

Murphy then gets to the top rope and jumping Kane Flying Lariat on him and pin gets 2. Murphy now with some generic punches and stuff. Then he pops him in a powerbomb position, but Big Roid back body drops him and... people cheer him. Why do they like him suddenly? He kicks Murph and puts him in a Jackhammer, only faster, and pinwin, because he's not a jobber.

WINNAR: Big Roid Terry

Speaking of grumpy old men from WCW, we get MOAR BISCHOF AND HOGAN! Hogan says he's had enough with both these guys. They're fighting for a spot in Immortal? Seriously? Seriously? Hogan isn't watching his own product with the backstage things? Seriously Bischoff isn't claiming it was his idea?

Backstage, Joe appears, and The Amazing Crimson appears behind him, saying he wanted to personally thank him for the assist, and that next time he sees someone stomping Joe's face in, he's gonna turn his head and walk away. Apparently this is all because Joe didn't help him or something? And then he says he doesn't need Joe's help? Who the fuck is writing this shit?

TNA Knockouts Championship
Miss Tessmacher vs Mickie James (C)

Seems to me like Tessmacher's only gimmick is wearing glasses while having fake tits. The Taz believes pidgeons fly out of Tessmacher's jacket when she takes it off. She's basically stripping, only down to her wrestling tights rather than nude, because hey, this is free TV. The Taz makes a bomb of a joke by claiming Earl is senior referee, literally, because he's a senior citizen. See, because he's old. I'm too old for this too. Tessmacher intentionally drops her glasses so she can bend over like a slut and pick them up. This is like seeing Goldust wrestle for the WWE Championship.

Match has armlocks and arm wrenches and such, then a sideheadlock by Mickie James. Then she gets pushed away, but comes back and slams her down, then handsprings over her when she jumps, and and Tessmacher tries to pin but gets nothing and Mickie just shoves her ass away. They punch some, then irish whip into the corner on the random brunette, and she grabs Mickie James and gets on her shoulders for a roll-up thing pinfail which gets less than one. She tries to kick Mickie, but gets caught, and enzuigiri on her tits. She then puts Mickie's arm out, nudging her leg into her side, then a top wristlock thing. She then hits Mickie in the guts with her knee, and Mickie swing and miss with the clothesline, but then drops her with it, then runs at her again and again to shove her down.

Series of strikes from Hardgore Cuntry, and neckbreaker Hangman's Neckbreaker on her, then goes for a jumping DDT on Tessmacher for pinwin.

WINNAR: Mickie James

Just to remind us they're still feuding, Madison Rayne comes out with her slave Tara, wearing a shirt that says "TARA Nonstop Action" which aside from making no sense, will be rendered obsolete by next week. Because Madison gave her a title shot or something, she wants a title shot rematch now at TNA Sacerfice. People chant DEW IT DEW IT DEW IT DEW IT DEW IT DEW IT DEW IT DEW IT DEW IT and Mickie James says you got it BUT there is a catch, let's see, at Lorkdown I had to put my hair on the line to get my rematch so my question to you is what exactly are YOU going to put on the line to get your rematch?

Someone needs to tell Russo that championship matches are NOT two-way streets; the whole point is not to fucking gamble with the champion, but to beat them and become champion. This is like the 8th time in my recent memory that he's pulled this shit. MORE STIPULATIONS! If Mickie wins, Tara is freed. She gon git her freedumsz. Her expression says "ME WANT FREE" and Madison says you got it, and shoves past Tarantula.

Backstage, we dig up The Brian Kendrick from his burial, along with THOSE GUYS and Sangriento. THEY'RE TOO DAMN TALENTED FOR THIS! That bullshit that happened to Jay Lethal ain't gonna happen anymore! Apparently Kendrick is no longer crazy fun yoga guru guy. He's like WHAT DO WE HAVE TO DO TO GET A CHANCE AROUND HERE?! Steroids. That's what you have to do. Steroids. Kendrick is tired of it, and Bischoff is tired of it too because he's really do care about their careers lies lies lies lies lies lies lies and the secret fror those guys.... grow about a foot and a half. The WWF/WWE/WCW approach! And you were stupid enough to think 5'7 guys could main event in TNA. Pfft. What have YOU been smoking and watching for the past 9 years? Particularly around 2002 - 2006? Clearly not TNA!

Bischoff is VERY serious about this, and not taking a bunch of crap from a bunch of sawed-off runts complaining about what they don't get around here, so get yourselves somewhere else, and leave. Not since the Kevin Nash "vanilla midget" incident have I seen such a damning indictment of a company's horrible horrible state, and I would pay money for a WWE event featuring Brian Kendrick wrestling for the WWE Championship at Wrestlemania and winning. Then I'd try to deny his existence after he kills his wife and son.

NEXT WEEK we find out who the NETWORK rep is. Hopefully TNA will find out by then too. Now, rundown of TNA.... oh wait, I thought they were gonna run down the lineup for TNA Sacrifice, but... they only did for the main event. Then video package with intarviews with Rob Dam Van and Sting.

But now, this:

Hoodoo Love and Wintar and Jeff Jarrett vs Velvet Sky and Kurt Angle

So when does Chyna come out? I'm tired of this already. When does that happen? I want to see if she looks like how Tyson Tomko or Jim Neidhart did when they returned after huge absences. Like fatties, I guess. They give this stupid match a Championship-style introduction and I wish I had corn to eat, but we didn't have corn. Corn is very good. So hey, this match. Velvet Sky starts with Wintar, and Velvet arbitrarily looks at Karen so Wintar can beat her up from behind, then run at her and do a Monkey flip on her. Now bashes to her face some, and Velvet clotheslines her down, but gets dropped onto the second turnbuckle by Wintar, who goes and tags in Hoodoo Brown. Velvet Sky jawbreaksers Hoodoo, but she nosells all her shit, except for a spear chucked by Velvet.

Winter distracts the referee, and Karen gets Velvet to yell at her and such, and Hoodoo Love then kicks her ass out of the ring. COMMERCIALS. When we return, Velvet Sky is in the ring with Hoodoo Love standing there. Then she starts kicking and stomping on him, then some punches on her. Then Velvet in the corner, and Wintar gets tagged in, and double suplex on Velvet Sky. Hoodoo tries an elbow dorp but misses, and Velvet Sky tags in Kurtle, forcing Jarrett to come in and run around with him, and Angle gets him in a corner and Jeff kicks him, but then runs into a Belly to Belly suplay and pin gets 2. Angle now with an Olympic Slam but Jarrett hits L and R and reverses into an armdrag, and a DDT to his head and pin gets 2.

Jarrett then punches him up some, but gets irish whipped, Jarrett reverses with a sunset flip, but Angle with an Shamrock Ankle Lock, and Karen Jaren gets ahold of his hand and gets dragged into the ring. Velvet tags herself in to... go after Karen... despite the fact that she's not in the match. Not being stupid, Winter realizes this and comes in with Hoodoo Love to beat up on Velvet. They then double irish whip, but Velvet double DDTs her, and pinwins.

WINNAR: Velvet Sky and Kurt Angle

Angle says congratulations to Velvet and hoping this brings her one step closer to becoming Knerkouts Champion. Meanwhile, speaking of dreams, Karen and Jeff are about to witness a nightmare, because see Velvet wasn't the chosen one, see the chosen one is gonna take you out. She gonna take Karen out for good so Kurt can whoop Jeff's ass one on one without distraction. The chosen one will be here... next week! HAHA! Fuck you all tonight!

Speaking of the rest of the night, Hogan and Bischoff backstage, and now they're thinking it's VINCE RUSSO. Jesus, man... Then they find out that someonw has spraypainted Hogan's car with "YOU'RE NEXT" and Hogan's like WUT GOLDBERG'S COMING?! And you think we exaggerate the WCW ripoffs and washed up hasbeens of TNA.

Being stupid as they are, we get the camera shot of the four guys, Generation Me, Amazing Sangriento, and Brian Kendrick smirking and laughing, like "Goldberg?! Haha, we got 'em, we got 'em" and such.

TNA YAY: The matches weren't actually offensive, as it seemed as though certain competitors were actually bothering to wrestle and didn't seem to not care at all

TNA BOO: Eric Bischoff is a vanilla midget

TNA WTF: Last week I did a recap of a porn video from 8teenboy labelled (St79 Sc5 Spankthis) with Tommy Anders and Jesse Starr and replaced it in the match of Joe vs Crimson.

Like I used to say a long while ago, if I don't return within a year, consider me dead.

Go play on my fucking Twitter Commander Halo

Feedback if you fucking want: phenomynouss@hotmail.com

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Andariel Halo is a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. She can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. She translates ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees. Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, Andy once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. Children trust her. She knows the exact location of every dairy item in the supermarket. She has performed covert operations for the CIA. She's in bed every day, but sleeps once a week, OH! The laws of physics do not apply to her. One time, she shot her friend in the back of the head with a BB gun, and placed all blame on him.

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November 2006


by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).