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Hey yo and werlcome to the show so great, I had a dream about recapping it, TNA iMPACT~! For further information, see attached: I had a dream about recapping TNA iMPACT. Ain't that coooool.

Manchester's orchestra, which apparently consists of a guitar, bass guitar, drumset, synthesizer keyboard, and a singer, provide us background music to a recap of stuff that happened in my last recap.

Tonight's episode begins with Hulk Hogan and Eric Bischoff in the back of an SUV Hummer thing, with people claiming people are defecting to TNA and such. HOORAY FOR WWE iMPACT~! Hogan's ready for a summit with Sting, so hold on for a ride.

LIVE tonight on iMPACTZone, earlier today Dixith Carter made the following announcement: Based on feedback from the fans, they are moving iMPACT back to Thursday. To liberally rip off a joke from Scarless, THE FANS DEMANDED IT. BY NOT WATCHING!

The Taz cannot wait for this TNA THURSDAYS new concept that has totally never been done before (I KNOW, RIGHT?!) and it's gonna be, as the kids say, "Off the chain"

Another interruption from the Nature Boy Ric Flair comes in the form of Black Machismo Jay Lethal strutting out looking all smug and dressed up and wearing a ring on his finger. He's also dressed like a human male, too, so this is indeed something new. He struts like Ric Flair and acts all kewl like Ric Flair, complete with incoherent shrieking.

Jay Lethal mocks Ric Flair perfectly, imploring the audience to take heed and cast their eyes upon him for what he doth got. Hogan told him not to go out there in the beginning or the middle, they gonna do this at the end and Lethal was all like BIG MAYIN-UH, I CAN'T WAIT! He cannot wait because he is the 16 time, 16, 16, 16 time world champion. Black Ric Flair says that he said it before, to be SHUT UP! to be the man, you've got---

he interrupts to take off his jacket, elbow drop it, run around, then say TO BE THE MAN YOU'VE GOT TO BEAT THE MAN! People start chanting "We Want Flair", and the black Lethal man says "But I'm right here" and I'm like 'Yeah, obviously'

But OH NOESZ his music hits again, and some IMPOSTER RIC FLAIR named Ric Flair wanders out looking all blatantly Ric Flair-like and angry. Black Machismo Ric Flair is very pleased to see Slick Ric and compliments his sunglasses. People chant "DOUBLE VISION!" and I have to say... THIS IS INDEED ASTONISHING! THERE ARE TWO RIC FLAIRS IN THE RING, ONE WHITE, ONE BLACK. White Ric Flair asks if Black Jay Lethal knows where he is right now, and says in this world, he's standing before GOD.

God says nobody in this business does this stuff and be's Ric Flair, and he pulls off his jacket, and all of a sudden this Black Ric Flair says he was just messin' around, here take his ring back, and from the bottom of his black Machismo heart, he meant no disrespect. He just always wanted to be the Nature Boy Ric Flair, even for just two minutes.

Say, wait a minute... I'm starting to this this corn-rowed black guy is NOT Ric Flair!

The Black Jay Lethal says he wants to frame this image cos this is a great image and there is a woman in New Jersey with a tear in her eye cos her little boy has made it, standing in the ring with THE Ric Flair.

I'm thinking this corn-rowed black guy IS NOT Ric Flair!!!

Ric Flair thanks him for the ring back, but it does not get him out of the hole. Ric then teases the audience with taking his shirt off and smacking the black man around, screaming incoherently at him, informing him that he is, in fact, Ric Flair, and he is, in fact, the entire concept of wrestling itself.

Another smack later, the black man gets uppity and smacks Ric Flair back! Flair then goes at him and starts trying to chop him up but HJay Lethal attacks him back, irish whips him and back body dorps him. He then grabs Flair's leg and puts a FiggerFour legg on him, but oh noesz Beer Money and AJ Styles and Desmond Fail arrive to spread their essence upon him.

The white guys, including the redneck, start whipping the black guy. Make of that what you will. They then kick him in his mighty black balls, but now CHRIS PARKS arrives to get beaten on by everyone. BUT OHN OEZ it's Team 3D to come and beat on them.

And in a hilarious moment, Desmond Fail sees Buh Buh attacking someone, reaches out and pats Brother Ray's back, and Bruther Ray turns and just KILLSHITS him.

Meanwhile, here comes Rob Van Dam, stumbling over Funyuns and Cheetoes, with a steel chair, and everyone leaves, potentially fearing a contact high and a drug test.

MEANWHILE somewhere else, the Hogan and Bischoff are still in the Hummer thing when he gets a TEXT MESSAGE, HI-TECH HOBNOBBERY! He orders his driver to turn the car around snappily!

Random Commercial-area Thoughts: M

In the ring now, the faces are still there, and we get a video replay of what we just saw MOMENTS AGO with the NOW REVEALED AS AN IMPOSTER Jay Lethal Flair being beaten on by Ric Flair after parading as Ric Flair himself.

They keep standing in the ring, while the heels are all on the ramp posing and such. RVD is like "Here's an idea, instead of everyone beating up on monstro-dude, how about you Four Horses Asses come on down here for a fair fight" I SEE WHAT HE DID THERE! Flair is like if he wants more, bruther, you got it, and approaches the ring.

Worth Noting: Desmond Fail is the only one who looks concerned and potentially afraid. Everyone starts brawling. That's really all that's worth covering. Also, The Taz believes this is a street fight in TECHNICOLOR! Now Brother Ray and Ric Flair and Jay Lethal and Robert Roode end up on the ramp with fighting and stuff and Roode beating on Ray and Flair now up. Meanwhile, AJ beats on Chris. Roode and Bruther end up fighting just around the broadcast table stuff and Ric Flair and Jay Lethal keep fighting on the ramp.

Suddenly OMFG nWo Hollywood generica hits, and Roode stupidly rushes Hogan, only to get beaten down with the lamest, weak---I MEAN THE MONSTROUS FIST OF HULK HOGAN! Hogan SLOWLY advances on the ring and James Storm gets slammed down with THE MONSTROUS FIST OF HULK HOGAN then AJ Styles and now Hogan no-sells Flair's chop and starts PUNCHING and throws him out of the ring.

Random Commercial-area Thoughts: Is this not exactly the same thing they did many months ago with the Frontline vs Main Even Mafior thing with a big-ass brawl overtaking many commercial breaks and security?

Why yes, commercial-area me, yes it is. However, unlike that, it has come to an end now, as the heels are dragged out, and Hogan's like "I guess since we just beat the man, we can quote the man, TNA this is the best thing going today, bruther, WOOOO" and he's not mad about all this, but TNA fans want action, and that's exactly what they doing. And speaking of failure, here be Mr Wolfe, and he's gonna put him in an ACTION PACKED match even though he doesn't like him.

It's gonna be Failure vs Rob Van Dam. He's gonna put the EX Champ AJ Styles in a Monster Balls match against the Monster Chris Parks. Also, Team 3D is gonna be a three way with Motor City MNachine Guns and Beer Money. Three way action. Meanwhile up in the rafters, Sting strolls about, The Crow-ing it up or whatever. I never watched WCW beyond the first hour before switching to WWF Raw is War.

Random Commercial-area Thoughts: Gladiator 2: Sherwood Boogaloo. Now with 50% more Braveheart similarities!

Backstage, the three blonde people collectively grouped as Beautiful People put on makeup and talk about their championship match. Madison says they ain't losing them, so Lacey says CLEARLY they were not meant to take their titles off their waists.

And int he ring, with the jobber non-entrance, it's THE BRIAN and TEH DOUGLAS. TEH DOUGLAS is like he's angry cos he got stirpped of the X Championship because a volcano blew up and travel got shut down. When he gets here, he's in a ridiculous tag match with this crazed lunatic TEH BRIAN KENDRICK and KAZARIAN prances about calling himself champion while Williams has been at home pulling his hair and such. So if he wants to be REAL Champion, he has to beat TEH DOUGLAS at TNA Saccerfice, or else be a cheap imitation.

Speaking of cheap imitations, here's Shannon Moore and Jesse Neal.

... Ink Inc. *shudder* (Shannon Moore and Jesse Neal) vs TEAM TEH (DouglASS Williams and Brian Kendrick)

It starts with Nealius armtwisting up TEH DOUGLAS and such, until Dug ankle twisty's him or something, then picks him up and throws him into the turnbuckle, only for Jesse to bounce off and crossbody him, but TEH DOUGLAS kicks out of a pin attempt and does a some kind of side-slam suplex thing. TEH BRIAN KENDRICK gets tagged in and puts Jesse Neal in a Camel Clutch type thing, but wraps his legs around him to squeeze instead of fucking his ass to make him humble.

Speaking of humble, Matt Morgan is at the commentary table to talk about how they are pissed off about what management is doing to them. They did stuff by the book, and they're still champions. Meanwhile in the ring, TEH DOUGLAS beats on Jesse Neal, and kicks his inner thigh when he's draped on the turnbuckle. Now TEH BRIAN gets in and tries to do something to Neal's legs, but he skitters away to tag in the other mohawk.

Shannon Moore attacks Brian Kendrick with lots of stuff, and Matt Morgan and company leave. Moore does an inverted atomic dorp, then they run and such and BRIAN tries a rollup but fails, and Shannon Moore snaps his neck, so Jesse Neal can tag in and do a GOOOOOR--SPEAR!

WINNARS: Ink Inc... oy...

TEH DOUGLAS is not amused by TEH BRIAN and bitchsmaches him up. Speaking of bitches, here be Samoa Joe to beat down a bitch. He clothelines TEH DOUG, and Brian Kendrick smacks his chest all like "Good boy" and Joe's like kicking his face in, then drags him into the ring.

In the ring, Samoan Musclebusters him. For big time EXP. Joe gets a microphone and throws it down on the mat. Greatest in-ring promo ever? Maybe.

Random Commercial-area Thoughts: Every single preview shot for the new Twilight movie trailer has ALWAYS been the exact same thing---a shot of Kristen Stewart and other guy Cedric Diggory's faces in profile, with the woods as background.

Backstage, Ric Flair throws Jayson Borash away frm the locker room, while the cameraguy stays there to spy on Flair yelling at everyone, including AJ and Beer Money. He thought Beer Monay was gonna be the best, so get out there and prove it, don't talk about it, prove it! Meanwhile, the wolfe guy, talking about RVD being high and all that. Flair warns him HE WILL TEAR YOU UP! So go out tonight and bring back the title. Make it happen!

Backstage in a pre-recorded thing, Hulk Hogan talks about stuff on business. To walk into TNA and get swamped with problem after problem, and the guy he counted on, why has Sting done this to him? To grab Dixie Carter by the throat? Hogan looks to find out what's going on, because watch TNA before he arrived in January to find out exactly why? That there is bullshit, indeed!

Meanwhile, The Taz says Sting talked to him earlier saying he's gonna break his silence OMG! The Taz says no one deserves an explanation, except maybe Dixie Carter. AM I THE ONLY ONE WHO KNOWS THIS IS ALL BECAUSE STING WAS ANGRY THAT THEY WERE BRINGING IN HULK HOGAN AND SUCH AND NOT GIVING A SHIT ABOUT STING'S FUTURE IN THE COMPANY WAY BACK IN THE OLDY TIMES OF LATE 2009?!?!?!

Apparently something is going on backstage. With no explanation whatsoever, Neo Anderson is wearing a big white gown. Also, he's beating on His Holy Darkness Pope Dinero. He slams him into the rolly-black case things, then slams one of them into him sandwich-type on him. The Taz breaks MY silence by claiming "The hell is he wearing?"

Why does TNA like to completely spoil and put totally out of context the shit that Anderson does BEFORE he's supposed to reveal it, like that time they showed him backstage dressed as Kurt Angle BEFORE he was supposed to come out and reveal it?

Random Commercial-area Thoughts: I met Pope Benedictus XVI in a chat room. Last night. True story. I even offered him a selection of boys to sate his thirst, but he plead the fifth.

Speaking of little boys and a Pope, here be Kenneth Anderson in the ring all Pope-looking with the microphone and boy gown and Pope's pimpglasses. He addresses the congregation to not judge him for his attire. Ladies and gentlemen of the congregation, he stands before them at a loss for words. Namely, perhaps, words the audience doth deliver for he, in teh form of "You suck", but he does not agree!

He had a tremendous sermon prepared, but on the way he had an epiphany, an awakening, a realization, all three at once, and the realization was that Ken Anderson... unfortunately, for unforseen reasons and circumstances, His Holy Darkness Pope Blackadictus I D'Angelo Dinero shall not join them. Anderson realized he will not go to heaven when he dies, but burn in hell.

Oh my... that sounds absolutely terrible for Neo. Speaking of absolutely terrible, here be Jeffrey Hardy! His Holy Antipope Kennedy Anderson doth look displeased at the arrival of one Jeff NERO Hardy (fifty bucks to whoever gets that longwinded history lesson). Hardy doth say the Congregation and the Creatures of the Night are one in the same. BLASPHEMY!

Being as the Popeicles will not be cleared to fight tonight or at Sacrifice, Hardy needs a match against him. Anderson sobs and wails, but then gets his face gently pushed by Hardy, and I do mean gently. He doth wondereth if Hardy be challengingeth him. Hardy says yep. He's waiting for his response patiently.

His Holy Antipope's response.... "Nah. I got somethin' going on that night." Anderson has gotten sick of Jetrho Hardy and the sinners, so he's gonna go that way, and walks in that direction. He then tries to attack Harvey, but gets his dumb dorky ass beaten up. He then gets his gown ripped off, baring panties that read "Talk into..." in the back, and "the mic" in front. He grabs Kenneth's unconscious head and says "NOW I ASK AGAIN WILL YOU WRESTL EME" Etcetera and Somehow Anderson responds in a voice suspiciously Jeff Hardy-sounding that yes, he would love to do so.

Random Commercial-area Thoughts: Jeff Goldblum is no detective!

Getting the jobber non-entrance, it's:

All female TNA Championships on the line
Sarita, Taylor Wilde, Tara vs The Beautiful People

Tara yells at her partners and starts off, while Lacey dances. Tara then suplexes her and pins gets 2. She gots her in a front guillotine thing, then gets her up and irish whips Lacey, but Lacey stops and jump spinkicks her to dance again. Tarantula then tags in Sarita, and Lacey bounces away to tag in Velvet Sky. Tara needlessly distracts Sarita so Velvet can attack her from behind, irish whip her into a turnbuckle only for Sarita to boot her in the face when she comes. She then gets tossed into the turnbuckle so she can squish her implants, and get pinned by Sarita gets 2.

Taylor Wilde got tagged in somehow and beats on Velvet, then reaches out ot try to tag Tara, who just stands there. Velvet fights out and tags in Madison Rayne, who runs at her and gets German Suplex-ed by Taylor. Taylor tries to tag someone in, but Tarantula and the other one both with their hands. Taylor pretty much punches Sarita's hand, though Tara steps in, so Sarita tags herself in, and Tara punches her off the apron. She then beats up on Taylor outside while the Horrible People double-team DDT Sarita and winsz.

WINNAR: The Beautiful People

Tara is displeased, despite it being her own damn fault they lost. But hey, she's old, she don't know better.

Random Commercial-area Thoughts: What's so suspicious about a sexual predator with a clown costume in the back of his work van?

Backstage, Tarantula bitches to the interviewing woman about getting no respect and she challenges Madison Rayne at TNA Sacroface for the championship belt. How will she convince TNA Management to let her do it? She will convince them by challenging Madison Rayne for the belt. Oh wait, with her own career on the line, too. Almost missed that.

Beer Money vs Team 3D vs Motor City gunnaz

It starts without any entrances, but with Sabin and Roode fighting, doing all that flippy-dippy fighting stuff with Sabin and a dorpkick on Roode getting a quick pin attempt that sucked a dick and Roode taggs in James Storm so he can headlock Sabin, and Shelley tags himself in and they do some fast double team moves on the bad guy stuff and pin gets 2.

He tries to get proverbial quik ones and such on him and the others, but then Team Devon gets tagged in and clothelines James Storm and pin gets 2. Now Devon punches him up on the turnbuckle and such. Devon just brings tha hammer down on Storm's upper back area, irish whip and Storm reverses and attacks him and now tags in Roode, who attacks the Murder City Machine Guns, then drags Devon in to tag in Storm and do a double team thing.

Their double team thing is a simple double suplex. Just a double suplex. Then they do their beer Money taunt for big momentum points. The Storm pins Devon but Robot Shelley stops it up. Storm tags in Roode and they try a double team on Devon thing with irish whipping him on the turnbuckle but Devon slips away and runs out to tag in Bruther Ray coming in like a HOUSE OF FRYERS and punches up on James Storm and ends with an elbow, then scoop slams Robert Roode so Devon can wazzup his nuts.

Kevin Nash and Scott Hall then do their absolute worst sneaking and attack Team 3Dicles. Murder guns don't give a shit.

WINNAR: Team 3D by Dairy Queen (DQ)

Meanwhile, Eric Young runsz in with a Kendu stick, all wiggling it at the nWo. 50 bucks says---YES I win 50 bucks. Young shitkills Team 3D with the stick, and poses with th enWo. Murder guns throw Young out of the ring, and Hall staggers at Shelley to get dirpkicked by Sabin. They then attack Nash and double superkick him. Beer Money then comes in to spinebuster Sabin, and DWI Alex Shelley.

All the heels then pose with the nWo.

Random Commercial-area Thoughts: Rangers lead the way

When we come back, we are welcomed to the O-ZONE, and some sort of creature named Orlando Jordan looks even more like Leonid the Magnificent than ever, complete with skintight silver pants, which he spreads his legs to show no bulge at all... He says he does what he wants do when he wants to, one size fits all, batteries not needed, it'll be our little secret.

Well some people think he's got a little freak in him, but his next guest is the freak. That's just a disturbing bit of innuendo, unless you like big muscly guys. His guest is ROB TERRY...'S CARDBOARD CUTOUT! He thanks him for coming to the O-ZONE and knows he had to work out to be so hard as he is. He says his abs are amazing, but back to the interview, what he wants to know is what kind of fantasies does the freak have. WHO DO YOU FANTASIZE ABOUT ROIDO?!

Jordan is honored, because he heard a voice in his head say he fantasizes about Urlando. This prompts some generic Terminator-sounding music, and BIG ROID TERRY arrives to shove Orlando on the couch, with Orlando looking all "HELP! RAPE!" and Roid says "DOONT MEK MEE COM BAHK!" so Orland o attacks him from behind with a chain and his boot, then chokes him with the chains, all auto-erotic asphyxiaty. He then drops his fake big flowerpot vase thing on him and such.

I just realized now, too, in the background is a muscly guy (or maybe a dummy) handstanding on a rotating platform while wearing a mask.

Now time for this:

Monster's Balls
AJ Styles vs Chris Parks

Chris throws shit in the ring while his Hulk Hogan-y music plays. AJ then punches him up when he's on the ramp, then tries a springboard super hero chop thing but Chris catches him. AJ escapes, and chucks the trashcan at him violently hard. He then runs at him against the ropes but Chris flings him over the top rope and into the ring. Chris Parks then sets up a steel chair in between turnbuckles, and AJ runs at him with another one, and gets booted in the face.

Chris Parks now gets a stilts thing, but AJ kicks it out of his hand with a dropkick-like thing. Chris then tries to steel chair, but AJ stomps it down. Chris tries to slam him again, but AJ ducks, then OMFG PELE~!!11, then dropkicks him to send him into the corner. AJ hipslams his face, then punches him up, and is all screaming like "THAT'S HOW IT'S DONE!" while Chris slowly rises. AJ punches him in the face, then does it again, then bounces off the ropes so Chris can catch him and body press drop him.

AJ takes control some more, flippy-dipping and such while Chris eventually smashes his face on the steel chair MacGuffin in the corner, and pin gets 2. Chris Parks gets a bag of thumbtacks from under the ring, and pours them in the ring mat. Meanwhile on the ramp, Ric Flair has some random female dressed in a trench coat, yelling at her to take off her clothes now. Chris Parks reaches out, grabs her, and hugs her, then AJ smashes him in the head with a steel chair.

Lulz wut? I think Ric Flair misunderstands the purpose of distractions of that sort. AJ meanwhile body presses Chris into the thumbtacks, WHILE GETTING SOME IN HIS HAND AS WELL! OW!! While AJ bitches, he also pins Chris and wins.


In the process, Chelsea opens her coat to reveal... CLOTHING! It was a setup. Of some kind. I get the feeling the writers didn't think that one through. BUT WHO NEEDS TO? TITS!

Now time for the match in which you supposedly came to the event to view primarily most of all, a "main" event even!

TNA World Championship
ROB VAN DAM!!! w/ WHOLE FUCKIN SHOW (C) vs Desmond Wolfe

Was it really so long ago the Failure formerly Known as Nigel McGuinness was some kind of ROH superstar? And now he's a TNA buffoon? Now Desmoy attacks RVD before he enters, EFFs him up a bit, then throws him into the ring to push him into a corner and buffoon him up a bit. He poses weakly, then pulls RVD for a suplex, which fails, and RVD reverses into an irish whip, but Wolfe does something and RVD ends up down.

RVD gains some control to punch him up and such, but Fail reverses it into an overly complicated arm-wrench thingy into a slam down. It probably would be cool if it didn't take so damn long to pull off. It's kind of like The Rock's spinning around DDT thing, if it had 3 or 4 extra steps. RVD quickly takes his ass down anyway, and Rolling Thunders him. The Taz then notes it's rather foggy in here, and casts a suspicious eye on RVD before being notified it is due to the pyrotechnics... so they say.

Wolfe looks like a buffoon at the camera and seemingly goes to do a Tower of London shitpile, but then gets out of the ring to try to do it on the outside, only to FAIL and get RVD to reverse it and kick him up the ramp. RVD poses, for big momentum boost, and Wolfe gets knocked to shit, giving RVD a max momentum special, which he uses for a Five Star Frog Splash to end this squash easy.

WINNAR: Rob Van Dam

AJ STYLES SUDDENLY APPEARS and forearms RVD from the top rope. He says "AHM USING MAH REMAYATCH CLAWS" or something, then poses, and jacks RVD's gold.

Meanwhile, backstage, Jeff Jarrett is randomly laying around, and Hogan's like WUT and Jarrett's like "Sting just knocked the hell out of me. Ahh, ughh, nngh" like the most lazy attempts possible to act like he's hurt.

Random Commercial-area Thoughts: I have no need for bathrooms... the universe is my bathroom

Hulk Hogan comes to the ring, because he's an ex-WWE and ex-WCW guy! so he deserves the main event spot. Hogan knows he came to TNA dn expecting nonstop action and such. He had no idea that the guy he would count on the most to be leader of TNA would change.... STING?! Wort?!

Sting's music hits, and Sting comes on down while his music continues hitting. Sting looks all smug and snarky at Hogan, and Hogan's like "YOU KNOW SOMETHIN, STINGER" and such, and says Sting cannot fool Hogan ever. He knows what Stingo is about, so let him in on this BRAND NEW CHANGE THAT WAS FULLY EXPLAINED HALF A YEAR AGO!

Sting can't wait to tell him; it's TNA, TOTAL NONSTOP ACTION, that's what makes him tick. It's almost like Hogan's asking Sting what HIS agenda is. His agenda is the same today it was five years ago when he first entered TNA---to give back to the sport-o-wrestling he lurvs so much, giving to TNA and such.

He then brings up Hulk Hogan's years in WWF with the veil over him, the protection over him, and in WCW he had the SAME VEIL but here in TNA he don't have protection, Huckster!

So Hogan's like this isn't about TNA and him, but him and Hogan. NOOOO FUCKIIING SHIIIIT!!~!! Holy Jesus, this is a surprise? Does anyone fucking watch TNA anymore that isn't Leonard Shelby or HM?

Hogan says STING still has blood on his hands! As of 15 minutes ago, he just left "Jett-juh-Jeff Jarrett" (his words) in the back, is that what he thinks or something. Sting does an AWESOME evil laugh and says he always said Hogan was one of the best chess players of all times. IT'S HIS MOVE now Huckster. Sting points his bat at him, then says TAKE YOUR BEST SHOT and such. WHY DON'T YOU TRY TO etcetera.

Jeff Jarrett comes out, snatches Sting's bat, and beats on him. Hogan breaks it up, with Jarrett yelling at him, while Sting ominously rises from the corner. WHAT WILL HAPPEN NEXT?! Show over.

TNA YAY: Chris and AJ put on an innovative match reminiscent of their Lockdown 2005 type match---that is, doing stuff largely not seen in wrestling, like chucking weapons at people at full speed, stomping on the chair to keep Chris from swinging it, etcetera.

TNA BOO: That main event. Also, Ken Anderson wastes me away.


You've just been Halonic Death Ray'd, and like I say every week, if I'm not back within two or three weeks, consider me dead.

Feedback if you want: phenomynouss@hotmail.com

Andariel Halo is a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. She can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. She translates ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees. Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, Andy once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. Children trust her. She knows the exact location of every dairy item in the supermarket. She has performed covert operations for the CIA. She's in bed every day, but sleeps once a week, OH! The laws of physics do not apply to her. One time, she shot her friend in the back of the head with a BB gun, and placed all blame on him.


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November 2006


by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).