TNA IMPACT RANT

by Andariel Halo

April 28, 2011

For tonight's recap, I open with this:

This

That is all.

True life legit shooty time now: This Angle vs Jarrett storyline, aside from reaching the heights of boredom, stupidity, lack of logic, bad taste, is reaching a point of really becoming painful to watch. Like watching a live rape for weeks and weeks on end. And with the same people involved! For fuck's sake, let's see some variety! Oh painful rape joke, it came out horribly. Just like this show, sage nod.

As we welcome you to iMPACT, the ring is filled with TNA knockouts and random women supposedly from catering and wardrobe. And how sad is it that of this lineup, there's literally less than a dozen women in the ring, and at least 1/3 of them are not TNA knockouts.

Karen Jarrett comes out with a big plastic umbrella, because it's supposed to be funny that she'd expect another shitstorm from above, right? Spousal abuse is so hilarious.

All the knockouts and such laugh at and mock Karen Jarrett. She then says she's sure they're all wondering why she's called them all this evening. Apparently her crazy ex-Benoit has hired a crazy Benoit slut to take a hit out on her. So she's brought out all the females who were NOT hired recently, calling them her list of suspects. Did not think that one through, did she.

She thinks she's gonna start with... some random old woman with stick used for pulling stuff out of frying liquid. PRIME SUSPECT! INTERROGATION! She's been watching this woman in catering the last few years. Kurt Angle walks into the room, she goes OH OH OH KURT ANGLE'S HERE KURT ANGLE NEEDS A PLACE TO SIT! Everyone knows the way to a man's heart is through his stomach, and totally not the penis.

CONFESS! CONFESS WOMAN! YOU'RE THE ONE! She says she's the cateruh, she cooks for 50 other people and such, so she's gotta go. By the way, her Taco Tuesday SUCKS! Of course, the spics say I LOVE TACO TUESDAY and such. Wellington Wellington Wellington, what do we have here, some fat woman, good old dancing fingers Jolene the Seamstress. The last few years gosh, how many years now, six years? watching her run her grubby little hands up and down Kurt Angle's body, playing him like a piano? WHAT DO YOU HAVE TO SAY?! CONFESS! CONFESS WOMAN!

What she have to say? It's my job, it's what they pay me to do, I make his gear like everybody else's. Karen just tells her to take her dancing fingers and dance them out of this ring. Speaking of dancing, must this segment scream RATINGS so blatantly?

Speaking of which, the sudden and horribly anticlimactic return of Miss Tessmacher, whom I've never ever seen before. Isn't it curious that they both showed up in the building at the same time? She doesn't find this odd, given that they are both employees of TNA Wrestling LLC. They were also at the gym at the same time at Angle! Just like the 25 other wrestlers there too! She has an answer for everything, don't you! She's so smug with her obvious innocence and reasonable logical explanations for basic rational stuff! She's clearly some kind of outcast oddity here in TNA!

She then randomly drops her glasses just to bend over and show her ass in picking them up. Always uplifting to see someone do something insane after making so much sense. And then we have over here rice and beans, the little burrito sisters. Yay racism. Hot and spicy, just the way her ex-husband likes them? Coincidence using the American theme in all their interviews, when Angle is an American hero? Sarita says maybe she should take her head out of her culo (censored) and pay closer attention to iMPACT because they're MEXICAN AMERICA, and they want nothing to do with gringos estupidos including your exhusband Kurt.

Good God, RATINGS! RATINGS! TOTAL NONSTOP ACTION! TEN WHOLE MINUTES OF THIS! Now we come to Madison Rayne and Tarantula. Clearly the two of them plus her husband are all former TNA World champions. No. Women aren't allowed to be TNA World champion, cos they racist towards the pussy. Meanwhile THIS ONE Tara thinks she's somebody special, Madison bitches, and says she wouldn't put it past her to lay down for an Olympic Hero, because CLEARLY she is a dirty filthy slut. Tara spits on her tits and leaves.

Madison then says to keep an eye on Tarantula cos she wouldn't put it past her to sleep with Jeff Jarrett either. This leaves Velvet Sky in the ring now. What do I want, Velvet? What do YOU want? A new best friend? She can see where Velvet's coming from, she lost her best friend, she's gotten as far as she's gonna go in TNA, but if she were to be Angle's buttbuddy, imagine how that would catapult her to the top! Velvet goes like to slap her but Jeff LAYS HIS HAND ON HER by blocking her attempt. MAN ON FEMALE VIOLINS. She slaps Jeff instead, and Karen Jarrett gives her a Jenna Morasca-style shove. They then start to grab at each other's hair, but then Zombie Love Doll comes out and pulls Velvet off to beat on her.

Winter is all like threatening So Cal Val to ring the bell, because that somehow makes the match real. Oh wait, it was apparently a match sheduled for later but now it's to start nao. But first, commercials.

Hoodoo Angelina vs Velvet Sky

When we return, Zombie Love had her presseds into a corner, and now lazily slams her into another, looking all dead zombie voodoo such. Then she kicks Velvet in the guts, and punches her up some. If she's a hoodoo zombie, why is she still "wrestling" and why doesn't she just kill the shit out of her and cause a DQ for something like continuously mashing her head into the mat? Then pulls on her hair some and stares at the referee until he pulls her away. She stares at him, then goes to facelocking her. She nosells all Velvet's offense. This match is completely DEAD, just like Angelina. Crowd cares so little, they're piping in some of the most blatant, stagnant boos I've ever heard ever. It sounds more likesome kind of air conditioner making noise. Velvet finally gets some minimal offense in which Hoodoo Brown sells some, and then distracts the referee while Winter pops Velvet in the face, then... like, some kind of reverse guillotine on the rope, but it looked like the fucking shits. Angelina then with a headlock move which Fucking Mike Tenay helpfully tells us is a move Winter has been using, and then sort of collapses on top of her. Angelina's expression matches mine. I give up. Hit the Harry Potter MIDI music with Jimmy Hart'd Evanescence.

WINNAR: Angelina Love

I clearly need a break. Only 20 minutes in and already 3 hours in RL have passed. Anderson Anderson in the parking lot now, comes in with... good God... it's like an SUV/Hummer hybrid. Stone Cold Steve Austin's monster truck this ain't. Have it tugging a boat and another truck behind that and I will surrender right now.

But no, we get this tacky-looking shit, with tacky-looking flames on the sides of it. Anderson Anderson Anderson Anderson Anderson says it's good living the life of a cretin, except for, his whispers loudly "MY FRICKIN TITLE SHOT" Has he even got one anymore? Didn't he blow it on multiple occasions by now?

Speaking of blowing, backstage Matt Morgan is walking around angrily loooking for Scottle Steiner. It's like he said last week, he got one focus, to finally get his first ever TNA World title. Wasn't Rob Terry feuding with Scott Steiner not even two or three weeks ago?

Anarquia vs Chris Sabin

Since spics are involved, we get a one-time shot of Hector Guerrero and the other guy on Spanish commentarii! Anarquia comes across like a putz. He has such an irritating voice and a shitty way of delivering promos. I sure hope it was a problem with my broadcast, because it suddenly cuts after he says "right here in the iMPACT zo-" "Cinco de Mayooooo" and says this land WAS your land, but NOW it belongs to us, Mexican America. OOH another shot for the Spanish commentarii, this time saluting all happy like. Well if Hector Guerrero is behind it, it must be good.

Speaking of which, that Mexican flag thing is still down, blocking a big portion of the audience from seeing the match hurrdurr herpyderpy. Anarquia does some stuff on Sabin, but Sabin then punches up some, but then gets irish whipped, he moves under, then jumps on him with flying forearm. Then another drop, irish whip into the corner and a wiggly attack thing on him. Sabin gets on the apron and Hernandez goes after his feet like the cheating wetback spic but Sabin jumps over him, then springboard somethings on him and OH NOESZ pops his knee OH MY GOD that was sickening the way his knee twisted to the side. Legit injury forces the match to end with a shitty rollup.

WINNAR: Anarquia

This prompts Alex Shelley to run down and be all like I'M RESCUING because they were gonna beat up on Sabin. Backstage, Scott Steiner is playing some kind of mini golf with a plastic golf club and plastic ball. Steiner tallks about Morgan, basically repeating what he said last week, only with more slurring. He heard Morgan was looking for him? His response, word for word:

"Come on, ma- he lookin fur me? I ainna hard manda fin! Ruimee he's lookin fur me I left him laying last time his face't'face-a me. He, ppp... BULLSHIT HE AIN' LOOKIN FUR ME! Squit lyin t'me man! Fee wants ta fin me I'm not a hard manda fin. You tell him that. I tell you what, I'm in here, you go tell him mah min here. I'm nodda hard manda fin. SCREW HIM! NOW GET OUTTA HERE. GIDAWDAHEEUR!"

After commercials, Matt Morgan is backstage somewhere, and he arbitrarily throws a chair down tha hall. Scott Steiner then appears behind a corner and delivers ANOTHER VINTAGE diatribe!

"WHACHU WAN BOY?! GIJUGINUF <beeep> YOU STUPID PUNK MUTHASUH BITCH WHAJU WAN!? YOU WAN ME GIN? COME'N GE <beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep>"

He then throws a book or two at him, and a bunch of fucking papers float around as he leaves, and Morgan lunges after him. Morgan goes down a backstage hallway and gets ambushed by Steiner, who delivers more classic mushymoo while beating him up. It amounts to basically "WU YOU LOOK ME FOAR, IM NODDA HARD MANDA FIN!" and such. He throws a plastic table on him, then uses a broom to choke him. Then he tries to irish whip him onto a table but Morgan refverses and Steiner hits it and it collapses. Then picks him up for punching onto a bunch of chairs. Morgan chokes on him with a chair and Steiner shouts AAAAH AAAY SAIDA SAARRY! And such. Morgan picks him up, and Steiner's like he said he's sorry but Morgan throws him into a refridgerator. Morgan says nobody's getting hin his way, he's going to be world champ.

Speaking of world champ, Sting arrives to the parking lot to see that tacky piece of shit parked there. He casually takes off his own tacky robe, sets it on a random pickup truck with his waterbottle, then starts smashing the windows on the tacky asshole truck. Then the front headlights. Then the windows on the other side. I hear people clapping in the audience or something. Sting casually gets his robe and his bottle of water, goes to leave, but first stops, puts it back down, then climbs onto the truck and cracks open the front windshield and leaves the bat in it. ITS GREAT BEIN AN ASSHOLE, RIGHT KENNY?!?!?!

when we return:

TNA Television Championship
Christopher Daniels vs Gun (C)

What the hell is the TV championship? What happened to the Leges Title Booker T made? Then it became the Global championship or something? Who the fuck is Gunna? He looks like a con or a poet. He pushes Daniels Daniels in the corner with grapple and such, and punches to the head. Then picks him up and chucks him in the corner. Gunner pops him in the head with a little smack and such, and people chant for him, but he holds Daniels's face and runs, but Daniels gets him and drops him, then some chops to his back, ducks under a clothesline attempt, and irish whip, flip over, and pop to the head again.

Irish whip by Dnaiels Daniels and he kicks but gets popped down with GUnner's Not-Jay Lethal knee! Gunna then tries some kind of DVD looking move but Daniels gets a crucifixed and pin gets 2. Then he gets Gunner on him again and Gunna hugs him from behind on the ground, but Christopher gets up and Daniels gets brought into a front suplex by Gunna and pin gets 2. He gets him in the corner, bops him in the guts with punches, then more punches, but then Christopher Daniels shoves him away, and taunts him to run at him, and he moves aside from Gunna, and Daniels gets on the top rope, holding Gunna's hands, and jumps on him and stomps on his front.

Daniels Daniels to his feet and throwing fake punches, then runs under Gunna, and hits a fast STO thing on him, then gets him on the top turnbuckle and punches him, then puts him in a move like where he flips him over his head and drops him down like a Snapmare but with him dropping too. But Gunna nosells this shit after a pinfail, and they fight some. He tries a move, but Daniels gets a standing Rock Bottom on him, tries a bowel movement extreme, but GUNNA shoves him in the corner post, then uses his F-5... oh hey, he used an F-5.

WINNAR: Gunna

Sting wanders around backstage some. Meanwhile, I look at this. After commercials, we return and Sting has come out to show off his championship belt. He says to whoever left that truck out back, they didn't leave their lights on, but they left all their windows down. Herpaderp. Meanwhile, Anderson come out now and we try to hash this out or something. Anderson Anderson comes out and such, and is all like "did you smash all my windows out on my truck?" and Sting goes "mm no" And Anderson is like "SO YOU DIDN'T SMASH EVERY WINDOW IN MY TRUCK OUT?" and Sting goes "mm no" which I find fucking hilarious just blatantly lying to this shitnut. Anderson says "SO THE VIDEO I JUST SAW OF YOU SMASHING MY WINDOWS OUT WAS A FIGMENT OF MY IMAGINATION, RIGHT?!" and Sting goes ".. yeah" then Anderson goes "DID YOU or did you not YES or NO?" and Sting goes "... Yes it was me"

Anderson goes "alright then" and fiddles with his bat like he gonna hit him, but durrrr, and he says "I'll get 'em replaced. See I ain't fallin for your little game. Blow up my hole frickin truck, I'll get it replaced, I'M RICH, BIOOOTCH"

The Sting looks as though someone shit themself in the ring after taking an easy bump. Anderson says you wanna play games with me every single week< I promise you I'mmina one up you every single time, etcetera. He's got the power to make this all go away, as apparently SOMEONE IN THE NETWORK has given him the authority to pick his opponent. Anderson says let;s doo it. Except HE ALREADY PICKED, STUPID.

Speaking of stupid, that very pick comes out now, THE WHOLE SHOW EFFIN! Someone finally gives RVD a fair shot, and it's Sting! The guy who killed him with a bat when he first debuted! RDV says he gets all his efforts to connect with him, but as much as it means to him, and as much as a dirty player they both know this buttfuck is, if the NETWORK wants ratings, they ain't taking RDV out, he's fine with him doing whatever has to do to make Anderson SHUT UP.

Anderson be's a smug shit as usual, and is like WHATS IT GONNA BE, BOY, YES OR NO to Sting. Let's just make it official and make it tonight for the world title. Where the fuck does he get off trying to make such a match like that tonight with no build whatsoever and no interest at all? Dixie Carter you ain't, bitch!

This brings out Hulk Hogan to jibber some bullshit about Sting handing out title shots and such. And if a fight is what he wants, it's what he gonna get. See Stingar, that little title match that he apparently booked somehow, is now gonna be a three way match, and he hate to give them the bad news, but Anderson Anderson ain't walking out as TNA champion, and Sting definitely ain't, because in less than one hour, the new TNA champion is gonna be... Bully Ray.

No. You can't do that. I would have seriously taken Matt Hardy with more credibility.

Backstage somewhere, Samoa Joe appears from oblivion. What's his opinion on someone? He's impressive, he says. I literally re-played this bit at least five times, and I STILL DO NOT FUCKING UNDERSTAND WHAT THE FUCK THE CAMERAGUY JUST SAID! He asks what he thinks of someone. It sounds like "Crescent" or "Cresin" or "Creppin", and it isn't until Joe clairfies CRIMSON that I figure it out. Fucking shit cameraman motehrfucker. Speaking of which, it's a match tiem~!

The Amazing Crimson vs Samoa Joe

Now we start this match, they wrap up, and The Amazing Crimson drops the darker one down, gets up quickly to re-adjust before dropping on him again, keeping him pinned down pretty roughly, but rather skillfully. Joe reaches under him, grasping at his crotch to try to get him off, and Crimson finally breaks the hold, getting up and such. But then he's back on Joe AGAIN, pounding on him for a bit before picking him up, and Joe drops him on his ass, and starts working the lower body. Not much in the way of moves, but just pounding on him and such, Crimson selling it quite well enough.

Crimson seems to smug at him, and Joe goes deeper and harder on him. The Amazing Crimson stares him down, and tries meekly to force him off, but Joe keeps fixed on him, like a hot young stud sucking a boy's cock, now ay of really breaking out unless Joe releases it. Pretty passionate with it, too. I'm getting tired of this. Crimson finally gets up and they lock up, rather intensely. Crimson's grabbing his butt, and seems to be digging in to try to break him off, but he keeps a firm hold on him, ignoring it all he can to wear the big not-fat man down. He finally gets Joe down, dropping him on his knees and pounding his face. Joe then gets dropped further down, and Crimson toys with his ass, making like he's gonna do something intense, break his back, fuck his ass, make him humble!

The Amazing Crimson gets closer, teasing with some shallow strikes and hold, then taunts Joe some, before finally striking Joe and finally nails him with a hard. Crimson then rolls him over onto his side, and attacks him from there. Joe eventually turns it around and gets on top of The Amazing Crimson, but Crimson keeps him locked in, and Joe blows his load, while Crimson drops, exhausted anyway. Joe gets back on him anyway, and The Amazing Crimson eats his ass some, but he blows his load too. Crimson then drops him and leaves Joe on the outside, prompting him to squeal "What the fuck?" Then scoff and say "Bitch"

But OH NOESZ it's Abyss! He runs down and disqualifies by attacking Crimson.

WINNAR: Tommy Anders

Joe just smugs and goes to leave anyway, but the camera stays focused on him a bunch, and Joe gets a funny smile as Abyss beats on Crimson some on the outside, slamming him against the turnbuckle, then slamming him against the steel steps. Abyss brings him in to the ring to beat on him, and someone's music plays. I only identify it as Abyss's shitty new generic trash because of the fucking SYNTHESIZED GONG RING.

Backstage, Anderson Anderson straps his boots on while the cameraman asks him indistinct questions I can't hear. Instead of a one on one confrontation, he gets a three way. He doesn't want a three way, a four way, a five way, a twenty nine way, but he's not gonna sit and whine and complain, because he's done all that already. Fucking asshead.

Commercials later and Mickie James is wandering around backstage. MAYBE SHE'S KURT ANGLE'S MISTRESS THAT KAREN DIDN'T BOTHER CHECKING ON! Kurt Angle elsewhere says Karen is making an ass out of herself, she doesn't even realize who it is, she's WAY off, she's a moron, she got covered in shit last week, this week she's stepping in shit. Hooray for spousal abuse.

Speaking of shit, out comes Hardgore Cuntry. She has to say she first got in thi sbusiness 12 years ago and the only thing she ever wanted was to go down in history as the greatest women's wrestler of all time, and it's just tragic that she won't. But right now she wants to dedicate her TNA Knockouts championship to her fans. I'm still rather grossed out because she looks so much like my scumdog criminal cousin. After that, she just leaves. Wot?

Backstage, BULLY Ray talks at Abyss some, apparently wanting to ensure that he'd be TNA World champion, and saying that would piss the wrestling world off. He would trade in uawll twenty-three of his world tag team titles for ONE TNA World championship. The only excuse that could make such a statement NOT stink horribly of bullshit is his saying because those tag titles were with that slacker Devon and such.

TNA World Championship
Anderson vs BULLY Ray vs Sting (C)

I thought about it a moment. I thought "peopel do this all the time why can't I?" and figured... this is not just a meaningless main event, but it's a meaningless title match too! I HAVE TO COVER IT! Then I remembered, I'm not getting paid for this. I could go and eat corn instead. And eat corn I did.

WINNAR: Sting

We get a threat of Anderson Anderson peeking up behind the apron with a lead pipe like a cartoon character, but after commercials, this ends. Completely. And we go backstage to BULLY Ray complaining about AJ Styles getting involved in the match to screw BULLY Ray. He says next time, bad things for AJ Styles. Derp. What about next week for AJ Styles? It may not be in his best interests or his family's best interests to show up. I'm bored, this is going on way too long.

Elsewhere, AJ in the parking lot with Baer Money all like such at BULLY Ray. Scott Steiner backstage now somewhere, saying he beat Morgan's ass. They didn't have a match tonight, so... either it got cut, or someone's drunk. Namely me. Seriously, there was no match with him in it. Then we get backstage more bullshit Karen Jarrett and Jeff Jarrett bickering and whining and bitching and such. Then Velvet Sky bitching and whining about Karen Jarrett calling her a slut and Kurt's mistress. And then her FORMER best friend chokes her out, because Velvet is too damn stupid to realizer Angelina Love is a goddamn fucking zombie. SHe's too damn stupid to even realize that in the next fucking sentence she OPENLY ADMITS THAT ANGELINA LOVE IS A GODDAMN FUCKING ZOMBIE ANYWAY. For no reason whatsoever, we go right back to Jeff and Karen bickering and bitching.

Mercifully, this one is over, seven hours and fifty six minutes after I first started the recap

TNA YAY: Scott Steiner's promo skills are too good for TNA

TNA BOO: Jeff Jarrett is a vanilla midget

TNA WTF: 8teenboy (St79 Sc5 Spankthis)

Like I used to say a long while ago, if I don't return within a year, consider me dead.

Go play on my fucking Twitter Commander Halo

Feedback if you fucking want: phenomynouss@hotmail.com

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Andariel Halo is a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. She can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. She translates ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees. Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, Andy once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. Children trust her. She knows the exact location of every dairy item in the supermarket. She has performed covert operations for the CIA. She's in bed every day, but sleeps once a week, OH! The laws of physics do not apply to her. One time, she shot her friend in the back of the head with a BB gun, and placed all blame on him.