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HEY WUSSUP! It's TNA iMPACT! time, which means it's time to watch TNA iMPACT!

Newsflash this week: Things happened! And they happened butt-swellingly swell! Also, some WWE people got fired, so look out TNA! TNA X Division Champion Karataki and World Champion Shelton Benjamin coming soon! TNA Originals? What's that shit?

Video recap of last week's Jeff Harvey--HARDY vs Rob Van Dam match set to some rockin' metal tunes by the Manchester Orchestra. I know, right?! Then they show the title match which saw WWE/ECW original Rob Van Dam, one month veteran of TNA, win the biggest title in TNA against TNA original AJ Styles, 8 year veteran of TNA and one-time champion.

Tonight's episode title is "Mr. Monday Night!" Do you honestly care? OF COURSE YOU DO!

Tonight also, Styles and Sting fight Jeff and Jeff. BUT FIRST, Hulk Hogan, complete with genericized nWo Hollywood music thing. Hogan says he's been on a high since last week's iMPACT, what with celebrating with ROB VAN DAM and all. Things are really changin' around TNA, bruthers, he says. Former WWE guy winning a TNA Championship within weeks of debuting? YES WE CAN! Hogan seemingly mildly implicates he may want to be TNA Champion. or be RVD. He then says RVD has a big target on his back now, and he just came from the back and Eric Bischoff has a BRAND NEW TOP TEN RANKING SYSTEM that involves the fans.

They guise are gunna have a major influence on the BRAND NEW TOP TEN RANKING SYSTEM. He then reflects how last week he saw Rob Van Dam go tits for Jeff Hardy, then got by him and went and brawled with AJ Styles. AR VEE DEE stepped into the ring and took on one of the greatest wrestlers in the evar, says Hogan in Hogan's words. People boo, though, because he's not Hulk Hogan, but Hulk Hogan attempts to assure them he is great, bruthers. HE KNEW THE GAME HAD CHANGEED around TNA. Nuthin' but luv, bumlove, manlove, bring out RVD!

Rob Van Dam comes out to inevitable drug jokes and posing and people all happyfaced and cheering and such stuff. He thanks Hulky (his words) and says from now on feel free to call him Mr. TNA. Hogan wants to try it, so ALRIGHT GUISE, MISTER TNA ROB VAN DAM! The reason he's here where all the wrestlers wanna be now (honestly, yes. Why not bum a few thousand dollars and be world champion for a few months with da boyz?) Ken Shamrock did it, why can't you?

He then says he can't deny their connection, just like his connection with mother earth's finest. GET IT? HAHA? 420?!?!?!? He says they can't just get what it's like to be a cool laid back dude and yet kick so much ass. They don't need to understand RVD, just that he's toughest and best at what he does. All of this made substantially more hilarious and less serious by the fact that he has a bandage on his forehead with "TNA" written on it in fucking Sharpie marker.

This brings out AJ Styles because clearly he is indeed involved in this somehow! He strolls in looking all Ricky Martin-y, Ric Flair coming with him looking all Arnold Palmer-y or whatever. AJ getches a microphone and RVD's like "You didn't like my promo?" and gets sadfaced, so Hogan can be all like "NOBODY invited either one of you ex champs out here!" People then chant "EX WORLD CHAMP" because hey...

So AJ tells them to shut up, which they pleasantly don't. Styles is all like he sounds like a Hallmark Greeting card, but don't get him wrong; there's millions who don't understand him or his lifestyle. He's just a hippie freak from southern California and no one understands him DEWD. "Battlecreek, Michigan" what? AJ's all like "Did you say you're gonna be one of the greatest world champions ever?" then inquires as to whether he is high right now. The Taz says there is a good chance of that. YES HE IS they chant. He figures he is, because last week he beat the piss out of him, then AJ slipped on the top rope and RVD stole the win.

So if AJ is the one who slipped on the top rope, high flyer that he is, how does that make RVD the one that is high? Meanwhile, AJ is pissed about being put in a BS tag match instead of a rematch. YAH WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE, YOHN CENA OR BATISTA?! You don't get auto-rematches. Hogan's about to talk but Ric Flair says he done talked enough. He got a new deal with God and being a family man legdropping his wife and jobbing to next-gen living room furniture, BUT HE'S GOT A NEW THING to do something about. I was listening, but I clearly missed something in my mind.

In Flair's case, YOU is causing SOMEONE---YOU is taking responsibility of giving Chris Parks the ring. So tonight he swears to God, and not the Wrestling God, but HE, Allahu Akbari, and tonight you and all this mockery you make a mockery of Ric Flair, you die. That sounds like a terrorist threat if I ever heard one. Terrorist and Islam rewference in one night? SHEER COINCIDENCE I TELLS YE! As for the gay reference: TONIGHT, RIC FLAIR IS SPECIALIZING IN BIG GUYS! WOOOO! His words, not mine.

BACKSTAGE, the Horrible People stand around, bitching about Madison Rayne having a title defense tonight ALREADY! And she has to face TWO former champions AND in a Triple Threat Match AND with the rules! BPD, which Lacey von Erich supposes means Boston Police Department. Velvet clarifies it is Beautiful People Discrimination. They ain't screwing them over. Lacey's about to spread her legs before Velvet clarifies "Screw us OVER!" So all Madison needs to do is go in there, let the others beat each other up, then slide in (without mentioning sliding out, btw) and take the win.

Random Commercial-area Thoughts: N

Video recap of the TRAVESTY several weeks ago where we did not get to see Daffney in bra and panties, but instead got to see Tara go all "I'M OOOOLD!" and claim it a legitimate bit of bullshit that the rules were followed and she did NOT win the Gimmick-in-a-Lantern Tarantula AND her Knockout's Title at once. RULES?! I'M OLD WHAT IS THIS I DON'T EVEN.

TNA Knockouts Championship
Angelina Love vs Tara vs Madison Rayne (C)

Referee Slick Johnson (HAHAHHAA... "slick johnson") sends the other two Beautiful People away, and the match starts... and Madison leaves the ring. Only to come right back in. Time and space are a mystery to her. She gets shitkicked down, now Angelina and Tara face off, but not like in "Face/Off", then start fighting, but not like in "Fighting". Madison slides in and tries to pinwin but fails. Tarantula pulls Angelina off of Madison on the corner, and sort of... slams her down with some slow thing holding her head. Madison pushes her off of a pin attempt and tries to pin her instead gets 2. Tara then falls out of the ring somehow, or else rolls out. COMMERCIALIEZ


When we return from this commercial message, Angelina is beating on Madison and tries to pin her gets 2. Tarantula is STILL dragging about on the outside because she's old. Madison tries to flee out the ring but Angelina Love pulls her in, and grasps her for a front slam thing, then pin gets 2. Madison flees the ring, and Tara finally gets in and slams Angelina's head on the turnbuckle from the apron. Madison then runs in to roll her up and fail miserably.

Tarantula then snap suplays her, then gets her in some sort of submission thing which I do not see it as being painful at all so much as a nuisance. Like getting a headlock and a noogie, while someone calls you fat. A common birthday experience for many readers, I suppose. They all end up in the ring now after a load of nothing and an interrupting replay, and Angelina Love starts unloading on the others. She does some kind of Rock Bottom jawbreaker which looked more like she grabbed Tara, then collapsed, then Tara falls a half-second later.

Tara gains control with plenty of hitting and such, and now both blondes slowly rise, only for Madison to shove Angelina into Tara, knocking her out of the ring, then Madison pinning Angelina while grabbing her thong or something.

WINNAR: Madison Rayne

Tara runs in to beat on Angelina Love because she's all like that and such stuff. Security then runs in to hold them, but they attack again. Security holds them, and they run again. Then security holds them again and such. Tara starts looking all sobby like "I'M OL---SORRY" as security holds them back again, but then she ambushes Angelina again and knockers her from behind.

Random Commercial-area Thoughts: How funny; people are voting for Desmond Wolfe ie, FAILURE for the TNA top ten thingy to be the top of the ten. I encourage everyone to vote for him EVERY SINGLE WEEK regardless of what he does at any time ever.

Speaking of whatever that was, here be something that I may not appear to give a fuck.

TNA X Championship Shannon Moore vs Franklin Kazarian (C)

For some reason, "TEH" Douglas Williams still has the X title with him, and kept it with him in England. So they took the title and defended it without him and with KAAZ winning without TEH DOUGLAS defending. Meanwhile, they fight in the ring for the nonexistant title---WHAT ELSE IS NEW?! HAHA!---they trade arm-dragging stuff, and a headlock now by KAAZ on Shannon, irish whip and Moore hurricanrana's him. Then punches his head. Which do you think would work better in a fight? THE HURRICANRANA OF COURSE, COES IT GOES SWOOOSH AND FLIPS YOU UP!

Shannnon Moore brings in some fortitude of aggression and whips KAAZ into the corner, but Kazakhstan gets on the apron and springboard armdrags him. Shannon now all flopping and gets picked up to be punched on, then irish whipped, but OH NOESZ reversed and Shannon gets flipped onto the apron. He then tries a sunset flip but Kazarian gets him for an Alabama Slam type thing, but Moore escapes. Shannon tries to do something on the turnbuckle but Kaz kicks his face almost as hard as CM Punk smacking his shitsuckin' face way back in 2006 and such.

Speaking of WWE rejects, HERE BE MATT MORGAN! They attack Shannon, then Matt Morgan lookjs at the camera and says "NOBODY TURNS US DOWN!" The referee saw nossing, for he is Schultz. Meanwhile Kaz piledrivers him (OH NOESZ DANJER MOVE!) and pins.


Some sort of Samoan-y music hits, and here be Samoan Joseph. He looks all angry-pants, but he has no pants, so therefore he is PISSED that someone stole them. He stares at KAZ, then kicks him in the head, and starts BOOTing him on the turnbuckle and such, for he is brown. Joe then gets him in a Musclebuster and busts his muscles. People approve. FACE ON FACE VIOLINS!

Random Commercial-area Thoughts:

Back in the middle of somewhere, Chris Parks wiggles about talking about the ring, and saying IT DOESN'T GIVE HIM MAGICAL POWERS! It's SCIENCE FICTION! But instead he says it's in his mind, it's confidence, etcetera. It's CONFIDENCE that allowed the Artist Once Referred to As Abyss to make a pit and have Desmond Fail keel over into it without so much more than a spit in the face.

MEANWHILE, Matt Morgan asks Jesse Neal to team up with them. He says look at Amazing Red! Jesse makes him look like a paper boy! Here's the thing: We do not have to go down this road with you, Jesse, but what about the promise you made to your dead army buddy we now shill for storyline benefit? He made a promise to be in the wrasslin' bidness and now he's got a golden ticket to make good on that promise---A WORLD TAG TEAM CHAMPIONSHIP! We are done looking for a new partner. We want you, Jesse Neal. You know where to find us.

Up next, AJ Styles all Ric Flair-looking talks to himself in the hallway, saying he's gonna take care of bidness... then appears to leave the arena. CRAZY PEOPLE DON'T KNOW THEY'RE CRAZY!

Up next as well, Jeff Hardy spins out of nowhere to walk alongside Jeff Jarrett.

Random Commercial-area Thoughts:

AJ Styles and Sting vs The Jeff and Jeff Connection (Jarrett and Hardy)

It all starts with them fighting. Who? Them. Now Jarrett in the ring with Sting to punch on his head while standing on the turnbuckle, but Sting just pulls him away and drops him. Meanwhile AJ and Jeff fight on the ramp with AJ trying to suplay. Jarrett goes into the audience with Sting and plays with a chair, while Hardy suplexeses him on the ramp. Meanwhile Jarrett almost pins Sting gets 2. Sting reverses an irish whip and tosses him over the guardrail.

Meanwhile, Jeff and A Jay start fighting ins the ring, and Jarrett gets tossed in while Sting chokes him on the rope. AJ then tosses Jeff Hardy out and dorpkicks Jeff Jarrett, then punches on him. Sting stands on the apron, as though there were tag team rules involved, while Jarrett reverses an irish whip and chokes him up. The referee randomly starts holding his eyes for no reason at all so AJ can nutshot him, and Jarrett can tag in Hardy and the referee not see it because he got dust in his eye or some arbitrary bullshit that makes no sense.

Sting gets tagged in now to play with Jarrett, and throw him into AJ Styles's boot. He then irish whips Jarrett, gets reversed, and they double shoulderblock. They start reaching for their partners but AJ starts randomly doing shit so the referee stares. Aj then gets tagged in and the referee shoves Jeff Hardy away. Why? I ask "Why?" now because while it would seem obvious that the refere did not see the tag, he proceeds to do buttfuck nothing as Hardy starts attacking AJ again.

Sting just leaves. lolwut? Hardy gets on the top rope but AJ nuts him, and Hardy slides off onto the ramp. Jeff Jarrett is all like "WUT", looking around all comically, because Sting has left, so Jarrett is all confused and angry and uneducated white trash. Meanwhile Hardy beats on AJ on the ramp. Jarrett meanwhile found Sting, just behind a curtain by the side because Sting must be old and walks slow. They start brawling up the stairs.

AJ is now laying on a table while Hardy prepares to do a high flying thingy. Sting meanwhile beats on Jarrett with a baseball bat because we were only just told at the beginning of the match that this is no disqualification. Meanwhile, as Jeff Harvey stands atop a ladder about to jump and ENTERTAIN the fans, Sting pins Jarrett on the fucking stairs and wins. The referee then pulls the table away from Jeff Harvey--Hardy like a kid getting his dessert taken away because he raped his sister.

WINNAR: AJ Styles and Stingu

BACKSTAGE Jesse Neal is all wanting the Dudley Boys to bless his teaming with Morgan. They're all like "Fuck you, he's gonna use you" and being all smug and such and Neal is like I wanna be tag team champion for the 1st time, rather than let them be for 23rd. OMFG NUMBER 23 CONSPIRACY 2012 MAYANS JEWS WTC NWO HOLLYWOOD HULK HOOGAN! Team 3D sleazes on Neal but don't seem to care much.

Speaking of black people, HERE BE His Holy Darkness Pope Blackadictus I D'Angelo Dinero. He hath one eye and an arm in a sling, all black, yo. He wants to know who AJ Styles is, for that pen to the head pierced his head. Or something. He says AJ is nothing but a gas bubble in Pope's sour stomach. But Pope isn't complaining. The Gospel According to Pope Dinero says there are no excuses. But there is a tooth for a tooth and an eye for an eye. So AJ gonna git him sum. He gonna poke him in da aye. So where do Pope go from here? Regroup? Hell to the no, he say. What you say regroup? When we fall down, we get back up.

He says if they expect the congregation to dwindle after Lockdown, they are in fact ill-informed and the Pope is in fact engaged in activities of guiding and providing contacts, clientele, and improved conditions and services for prostitutes for a nominal fee of their total earnings. For no reason at all, here be The One Billy G... Anderson. Ken Anderson. Anderson.

The One says he gonna call him Kool Aid Man, not cos he's fat n red, but cos he's like Jim Jones, you know, drink suicide kool aid. That there is slander, for they did not drink Kool Aid but some other generic-type mix drink with poison. He calls everyone gullible, one person in particular a sucker, another one a lemonpucker. Another one a rube, another one something else that makes no sense. He then DARES to call losing his damn eye a "booboo" and says Kurt Angle got a booboo, too, and he's at home licking himself.

So the question is, is the Pope going to go home for his booboo and lick His Holy Penis? The Pope interrupts him and tells him to get to the point or shut up. Anderson says is he gonna do it, or get his testicles out of his mom's purse and face Ken Anderson at TNA SOCCERFICE for no real reason. He then makes chicken noises. For a long long while. The Pope is not amused, for this is indeed so racist! HYUK HYUK FRIED CHICKEN AN WATERMELONS LAWDY LAWDY!

His Holy Darkness's hand may be in a sling, but his PIMP HAND is still strong... and he pimp slaps Neo. Neo then pulls off the eyepatch and starts stuffing his thumb into His Holy Eyesocket. GET IT? HOLY? BECAUSE HE HAS NO EYE THERE, IT'S AN EMPTY HOLE! Shut up. Anderson leaves with security.

Random Commercial-area Thoughts: A sandwich made entirely out of chicken and cheese? How perverse

TNA World Tag Team Championships Backstage, Team 3D put X-Pac through a table, and there was a BIG FUCKING POOL OF BLOOD AT HIS HEAD. RIP Sean Waltman.

TNA World Tag Team Championships Team 3Dicles vs THE BLUEPRINT OF FAILURE, THE SEMEN OF TNA Matt Morgans (C) and Jesse Neal

Devon starts with JESSE NEAL with a headlock. People are randomly cheering something... I got it now: They're shouting "YEEEEEEEAH MATT MORGAN! BOOOOOO JESSE NEAL!" again and again. That is hilarious. Meanwhile, in the match, MOAR HEADLOCKS! Then Buh Buh gets tagged in and he tags Neal's chest with a hand slap thing. He then hugs Neal, but OMFG Wolfpac!

Kevin Nash holds his hand up to show them the blood of the recently departed dead deceased, murdered even, Sean Waltman. Team 3D kick their asses, and Matt Morgan killshits Neal from behind. He then throws him in the ring. Morgan boots him, then picks up the chapmionships and says to Jesse YOU WILL NEVER EVER BE TAG TEAM CHAMPIONS, then does a gaff as he says "I'M THE BEST DAMN THING" etcetera. WE are not amused!

Random Commercial-area Thoughts: Captain Kirk is climbing a mountain why is he climbing a mountain?

When we return, Team 3Dicles is in the ring with Jesse Neal. Jesse gets on the microphone and says "MAAAAT MOOOORRGAAANN!! IIII'MM NOOOOOT DOOOOONEE! GET DOWN HEEEERE SO I CAN KICK. YOUR. AAAAAAAAASS!" It was very humorous. Backstage, Christina Hemme inquires Morganite as to whether he doth know Jesse Neal be calling his name in the back. His and the response of a good 3/4ths of the wrestling world is "Who?" Last time Morgan checked, they were still tag team champions, and they are off the clock, so... GOODBYEEEE (his words).

Meanwhile, HERE BE HULK HOGAN who comes out and all like "Listen bruther, either you go out and deal with SUPERSTAR *snort* Jesse Neal, or you deal with me" and Morganite cowers like Hogan isn't old and frail and such. Or maybe because it's JESSE FUCKING NEAL! Neal runs up the ramp to intercept him and starts punchy-ing him and such. Jesse goes and gets one of the tag team belts, then wanders over to the ring with Morgan and is about to hit him but Morgan gets on their knees and they beg for mercy...

But then they attack Neal and nut him! USS COLE REFERENCE! Morgan then hits him in the face with the tag team belt. Some completely random and generic music plays. Oh, it's Shannon Moore. He runs in, gets on the top rope, and dorpkicks Morgan. In the ring, Jesse Neal just realizes now that they both have mohawks. That is seriously the only fucking thing Jesse Neal did and referenced. He touched his mohawk and looked at Shannon. Then he did it again. Then they pose and smile.

MEANWHILE BACKSTAGE Eric Bischoff decides THEY NEED TO DO SOMETHING DESPERATE TO PICK UP SAGGING RA---I MEAN SOMETHING TOTALLY NEW AND COOL! YOU FANS DECIDE WHO IS TOP TEN RESU! Much like politics in Chicago, feel free to vote early and... well, what? Whatever he was mumbling, he was interrupted by THE MACHO MANISSIMO JAY LETHAL! Lethal votes for Andre the Giant, Red Rooster, the Hart Foundation. Bischoff glares. Not a regular glare, but an ADAMA GLARE!!!

Random Commercial-area Thoughts: To hug that mountain, to envelope that mountain

OH MY GOD IT'S SOME KIND OF FEMALE LEONID THE MAGNIFICENT: Orlando Jordan in a rainbow-colored feathered skirt and one feathered rainbow arm covering. He whines about Big Roid Terry "The Robert", and says next week he will bring them art and beauty, with the world premiere of his show "THE O-ZONE" and it will be absolutely delicious.... his words, not mine. The Taz has a funny feeling it will be more than one freak at the O-ZONE next week.

UP NEXT, Ring vs Ring. I predict the Ring will win. Also, they have tiny subtitles for Ric Flair when he mumbles backstage to the camera. He's gonna shit all over Shawn Michaels and the WWE again, BUT THIS TIME on LIVE TELEVISION

Random Commercial-area Thoughts: He wants to make love to the mountain

Backstage, they ask the nWo what's next, and Nash is like "YOU'RE KIDDING ME, RIGHT?!?! HE'S LAYING IN A POOL OF BLOOD AND YOU'RE WORRIED ABOUT WHAT'S NEXT?!?! WHAT'S NEXT IS EVERYTHING ELSE WRONG WITH OUR FRIEND!!!!" and whoever is asking this keeps being a jerkass, and Hall says he must be in line for an asswhipping. HALL is the nice one here. Nash is yelling more and saying "MAYBE WE WILL GET SOMEBODY" and such.

Now, video recap of Chris Parks going from mealymouthed sumbitch to Hulk Hogan with a mask. Then a "match" of some kind.

Ric Flair vs Chris Parks formerly Abyssin

They all stand around all fat and such, then they lock up and Parks throws Flair across the ring with a FLIIIIINGGGGG and such. Then some nothing. Then Flair kicks him and chops him up. Then punches, and another chop. Then punches. Then chops. Then punches. Chris then revarses and starts punchies him up, then irish whips and back body dorps Flair. Flair then slips out of the ring because he's old. They brawl on the outside. It's exactly as exciting as I write. WHICH MEANS OH MY FUCKING GEE IT'S FUCKING AMAZING! Flair starts bleeding.

Flair gets rolled into the ring, and holy hell with the blood wetting his fronthair, he looks almost as bald as Hogan. Some funny-ass funny guy in the crowd has a sign that says "THIS" = RATINGS with "THIS" in quotations. YAY!!!11111

The Taz believes Flair looks like he got hit by a bus. We're turning off Taz's microphone now. Chris grins and Flair is all bald and stuff. Chris paaawnches, then runs at him all 'tard-like, and smooshes Ric Flair into the turnbuckle. Flair then flops on the mat, and Parks grabs him but Flair is all bumping his butt against Chris's penis, and this SOMEHOW ends up with the referee keeling over with his nuts attacked. Ric then gets brass knuckles out from his penis sack and punches Chris, and he NOSELLS OMFG HULK HOGAN but he then hits him in the nuts. EARL FUCKING HEBNER then counts a winsauce, but OH NOESZ Flair did not put the knuckles away.

Hebber has to slide out of the ring to pick them up, and they start shoving each other, and Hebber's like "NO RING THA BELL" and it's all starty again. But OH NEOSZ It's time for Chris's 'tarding up. He black hole slams Ric Flair, and wins. And Hogan's music plays.

WINNAR: Hulk Hogan

Speaking of Hogan, he comes out and OMFG DEEBO's Ric Flair's ring and puts it on. So it was greed all along!!1 He knows exactly who he's gonna present it to... RIGHT HERE... NEXT WEEK! SO FUCK YOU EVERYONE WHO CAME THIS WEEK!

TNA YAY: Some matches had wrestling and such stuff in it

TNA BOO: It gets hard watching TNA... it honestly gets really hard... I started into this all like YIPPIE HOORAY I LOVE THIS JOB I WILL QUIT AFTER THE SLAMMYS AND GO ON MY MERRY WAY WITH MERRY FAME but now it's like I'm Morgan Spurlock and watching TNA weekly is eating nothing but everything on the McDonalds menu for a year. Yeah, it's been a year since I started, and I feel like I'm dying.


You've just been Halonic Death Ray'd, and like I say every week, if I'm not back within two or three weeks, consider me dead.

Feedback if you want: phenomynouss@hotmail.com

Andariel Halo is a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. She can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. She translates ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees. Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, Andy once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. Children trust her. She knows the exact location of every dairy item in the supermarket. She has performed covert operations for the CIA. She's in bed every day, but sleeps once a week, OH! The laws of physics do not apply to her. One time, she shot her friend in the back of the head with a BB gun, and placed all blame on him.


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November 2006


by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).