TNA IMPACT RANT

by Andariel Halo

April 21, 2011

This week's TNA recap comes to you from me, with tons of pretend love and narcissism, and a heaping dosage of apathy, drugs, and a small handful of pills, drugs, and Botchamania 168

Video recap thing of Lockdown and that listless match between Angle and Jarrett where Kurt Angle plots to go Benoit Benoit Benoit on Jarrett and the family members of his. Seriously, though, why is he still feuding with Jeff? Even Karen says to the camera in this recap thing 'Kurt, it's OVER' Give it a fucking rest, seriously. This is getting to be really sick shit.

Also, Rob Van showed that he is a little naive but still goodhearted by rejecting Hulk Hogan's pipe as a weapon. Anderson decided to use it, though, and IMMEDIATELY got fucking Scorpion Death Dropped and killed, which is justice well done.

Back to the ring, the cage is still there, and AJ Styles comes down Owen Hart style, only without that falling death part. There's two tables in the ring leaned against two of the corners. AJ says he back. BULLY Ray thought he ended his career but he was wrong, he was DEAD. Wrong. And he shoulda seen his face when AJ showed up at Lockdown unsuspected unannounced, to the benefit of NO additional PPV buys, NO additional ratings boost, nothing. Because AJ ain't a former WCW/WWE superstar, so no one gives a shit/TNALogic

AJ shoulda left BULLY Ray laying just like he left him, and that's why AJ is here tonight, because he didn't do it at Lockdown for some reason. Instead, they got the cage up, with tables, and weapons literally like... I'm guessing taped to the cage walls. Maybe stapled, or just hung like tinsel ornaments. People really love him. Genericized Sabu music hits, and oh noesz it's BULLY Ray, and the boos sound really... mechanical. Like the crowd was REALLY MAD, OLD STYLE! End of line.

New line. AJ do you know who I am?! Do you know who you tuawkin to?! Bully Ray is the man who put him in the horpsital for a month. He the man that powahbombed you uawf that stage through the table. He could beat him so bad he never wrestle again. Kind of like how BULLY Ray's apprentice Rosie Lottalove made sure Daffney would never wrestle again in TNA. So BULLY Ray is coming down to the ring and he's not gonna be so gentle with him like last time. This time, he'll powahbomb him off the stage, then go to his house and rape his wife and kids. His words. Sounds good to me, though.

Sounds good to BULLY Ray, too! Raping AJ's wife sounds like a good idea to him. I would buy any TNA PPV that aired that shit uncensored. HOLD ON Bully Ray stops short and says THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT YOU WANT! You want me in that cage really bad dont' ya SHUT UP AJ I got nottin left to prove wichu kid, I took you out like dat, I taken ya milk money, I taken ya manhood, stand in the ring like a losah, I'll take care of you on my own time, go to hell.

This makes BULLY Ray the bigger man, in my view. But Christopher Daniels comes and beats up BULLY Ray and tosses him in the cage with AJ. AJ's wearing jeans, so... he gets a +7 to morale, defense, and attack. I swear that fucking PELE completely missed BULLY Ray. But the jeans... it just hit him anyway. AJ then with a garbage can and BULLY Ray flops. Some random jobber comes to fight with Christopher Daniels.

Meanwhile in the cage, AJ got a table set up and put BULLY Ray on the table. Then he gets up on a turnbuckle, and then stops and people keep shouting, and Russo-fied urging has AJ go to the top of the cage, but BULLY Ray has too much concern for AJ's well-being, and so nosells the damage and runs out of the cage. Let us applaud BULLY Ray for his humanitarian gesture.

Last Sunday, Sting proved that the young men of today suck a dick and WCW rules by retaining his championship against one inexplicably over green piece of shit, and another kind, only with the 'green' representing weed or something. I'm not good at drug jokes. Or any jokes.

IMMORTAL music hits, and Big Rob Terry comes out with some random jobber I sweat I've never seen before ever. This jobber starts shoving the INDY WRESTLER GUYS being tasked to take down the weapons from the cage. BIG ROID says AJ you wanna play games? IMMORTAL can play games too, and as for Beer Munny, you may have won your match, but tonight Murph Murph and I are gonna get payback for what YOU DID TO RIC FLAIR last Sunday. I have an actual screenshot of what happened, taken straight from Bret Hart himself:

Watch out for that chop indeed. Beer Munny comes out, Apparently they called Beer Money out and they want a match for the tag titles in a steel cage right now? Snort. Let's ask the fans. Beer Money gonna give what the fans want, and the only thing James Storm has to say is; Apologies regarding your condemnable misfortunes.

Random Commercial-area Thoughts: What is murder, really, but the ultimate rape?

When we return, MATCH IS IN PROGRESS, FUCK YOU TV CROWD!

TNA Tag Team Championship
Beer Money (C) vs Big Rob Terry and some jobber

We start with Big Roid being tagged in now to front slam Robert Roode and pin gets 2. Then Murph Murph tagged in to do a DOUBLE SHOULDERBLOCK on Roode and... another pin attempt. And they're trying to get back into Hogan's good graces? Where's the legdrops, man?! Where's the ear-cupping?! Where's the ROIDAMANIA RUNNING WILD?! Murphy just smushes Roode in a corner, then tags in Rob to hit him, and Roode now starts chopping on Terry, and he generically clotheslines him down, and pin fails as Storm stomps on him.

Murphy tagged in to kick Roode, and smack him around in the corner talking shit. Irish whip into the other corner and Roode bounces back and clotheslines him down. James Storm now tagged in and he HULKS against Big Roid, punching him up, then punching up Murphy, then punching up Roode, then goes to Codebreaker Murphy, and DDT Rob, and pin gets 2. Now in the corner, and he irish whip Rob but it's reversed, but Roode gets up and spinebusters him. Murphy runs at Roode, but Roode dips and Storm kicks him. Double suplay on him now, and they do big Beer Money taunt for tons of momentum boost, and use their special on Big Rob for a DWI.

WINNAR: Beer Money

Tha Taz has a feeling that Huckster is not too happy that IMMORTAL lost again.

EARLIAR TODAY, Jarrett and Jarrett are in a carriage drawn by two white horses and a guy who looks like a clean, small-mustached Sam Elliot. And the money spent on renting all this shit could've gone towards paying a Jay Lethal for two or three more years. Guh. What's even the point of this? Why not just show them in the carriage and have some NWA guys clopping coconuts off-camera? Horses are cute, though.

Speaking of coconuts or something, Hulk Hogan heading to the iMPACT Zone with a pipe in hand! Commercials later and he comes out to a huge amount of cheers and some blatantly fake boos. He say he calls the shots around here, and Mister RDV come out herebrother. ROB DAM VAN! THE WHOLE SHOW EFFIN! EVERYONE in this building knows that he's a few fries short of a happy meal. I... what does that even mean? He had his chance of being IMMORTAL like the Highlander, but he rejected it just like Anderson and he gonna pay for it. Hey Hulk, remember back in the day when he wasn't such a heel STOP SHOOTING, SZATOWSKI! and when he was carrying wrestling on his all-American back and such. Rob Van says. But then you turned that back on for ratings, and now everyone just wishes you'd kinda get the hell out of the business STOP SHOOTING, SZATOWSKI~!!~$

Rob Van says he may not have climbed the mountains Hogan did, but he got here honestly, because he's amazing and such. Things have changed but RDV sure the hell won't. He then chucks the microphone at Hogan's chest, and Hogan says OH YEAH I'VE HEARD of RVD slamming giants and selling out venues. He's always been a big fish in a little pond or a little fish in a big pond, and your career has always been mediocre, and without Hogan, you'll always be a midcard player STOP SHOOTING, BOLLEA~!! For no real reason, Sting comes out.

Because he's apparently a face, Sting smugs it up and says I invited myself out here. He hears Did I hear you say RVD is mediocre and a midcard wrestler and not a main eventer? That's gotta be hard for everyone in this building to digest because guess what; he WILL be in the main event at TNA Sacrifice! That's still not being a main eventer. Hogan wonders if Sting is high too, if he's been smoking the same stuff RDV's been smoking, if so, GIVE ME SOME TOO, BRUTHER! Gettin high to hide the whole "I suck and am broken down" thing. Hogan things Sting, RDV, and the NETWORK are all floating on a cloud, and HOGAN runs the damn show around here.

Sting says the execs may not be around right now, but THEY WILL BE and if he wants to say something to them, say it to their faces when TNA "Creative" scrounges up a nonsensical, apathy-inducing "surprise" as to who the Network executive is. Meanwhile, in the ring, Abyss will get his teeth broken in by a Rob Van Dam botch. And Sting is gonna have to deal with Matt Hardy with a chip on his shoulder. So many chip jokes on Twitter.

Backstage, Kurt Angle wanders around, asking where Karen and Jeff are, so he can keep harassing and torturing them until they die or he gets arrested or someone gets fired.

Random Commercial-area Thoughts: I have forty dollars on Kurt Angle going the way of Chris Benoit, or thirty on going the way of Dynamite Kid.

Backstage, Madison Rayne yells and bitches at Tarantula. Apparently it was her fault that Madison lost the TNA Knockout's championship at Lockdown. Tara musta been in CAHOOTS with Mickie James. CAHOOTS!~! WHERE WERE YOU TARTA?! She was backstage, Madison having ordered her to stay there. So, your own damn fault, retard. CAHOOTS!

Backstage, Eric Young is feeding the horses beans. Eric Young says he's hanging out with his two best bodies here, these horses, and says everybody knows the best horses eat baked beans. Angle says they gonna shit all over the place. Go get a couple of buckets so they don't make a mess. Young says THIS IS VERY WISE of him and goes to get buckets. I already know what's gonna be done with them! Kurt Angle has this hit him and he smirks like a BAD GUY HEEL as he thinks about buckets of shit.

TNA Knockouts Tag Championship
Sarita and Rosita (C) vs Madison Rayne and Tarantula

We even have the spanish broadcasters guys getting a few seconds TV time! What must the ratings for TNA spanish broadcast be? If they got Hector Guerrero, it must be AT LEAST 1.1! Anarquia has to say JOO STOOPI AMERICANOS YOO CAN SAY GURDBAI TO DE RED TO DE BLANCO AND TO DE BLOO AN YOO CAN SEH HELLO TO MEXICAN AMERICAAAAAAAAAA. A quick search shows Hernandez is from Texas, Anarquia is from California, Rosita is from New York, and Sarita is from fucking CANADA. If ever there3 was as much pride for Mexico, it would be in this group! Also, COMMERCIALS before the match even begins.

Random Commercial-area Thoughts: "Cahoots" is a funny word and I like how silly it is. Just like "statutory" and "age of consent"

When we return, we're in a mid-move with one of the Chicanas doing a hurricanrana on Tara. Tara then goes and smacks Madison Rayne to tag her in. They fight some, and Sarita shoves Madison, and backdrops her. Then dropkicks her into the corner, and beats on her. Madison Rayne eventually gains control to beat on Sarita, then goes to be a fucking retard and yell at Tara. Hernandez and Anarquia distract Earl Hebber so Sarita can pinwin.

WINNAR: Sarita and Rosita

Backstage, Jarrett and Jarrett wandering around backstage, with Jarrett in that insanely tacky all-white suit. After commercials, they come down to the ring where Karen will be given a Prussian crown and made Queen of the Mountain. Normally I'd avoid being a hack like Cameron Burge and actually cover the shit, but the shit's already covered. She gets crowned, and the buckets of horse shit Kurt collected are dropped from the rafters or something onto her. Then Kurt arrives to further torture them. He says on the microphone "You think you're in a world of shit right now, literally? Wait till I see what I have planned next. See, I will never lay a hand on the mother of my children, but I know someone who will." and introduces his "mistress" who is all about pain, no pleasure, and she can't wait to meet you... next week or so.

Backstage, Hogan talks to Abyss and such but then tells him to hide, and finds Anderson Anderson. He needs a word with his shitty face; you wouldn't happen to know what's up with this NETWORK exec, right? Really, Hogan? Are you serious? I hate Hogan for making me agree with Anderson in wondering if Hogan is mocking him ot pranking him or if he's really that stupid. Anderson is sick and tired of Hogan's threats... he's bored. So am I, Anderson; with you.

Random Commercial-area Thoughts: I really liked RAW this week. And R-Truth smoking stuff was great.

Fucking Mike Tenay calls that shit segment one of the most memorable moments in iMPACT history. Be sure to remember that when the company goes under soon.

Abyss vs Rob Van Dam

Abyss gets his front teeth knocked out, and a bunch of other teeth broken. He gets his fucking teeth broken. And I think it happened really fucking early. Match just starts, and Rob Van does his back kick thing, and we get a shot of Abyss spitting blood. He then boots him down, and keeps focusing on his mouth. Even after punching up Rob Van, and going to stomp angrily at the referee, he goes back to tending his mouth. He's bleeding heavily now. Rob Van stays in the corner and Abyss does his running retard slam thing onto him. Boy, he's bleeding heavily, and got bloodstains on his arms. THE GREAT KHALI HEADCRUSHY THING now on Rob Van, but Van Dam escapes, and gets run into the corner. Abyss catches him and beats on him, but Rob Van drops his ass soon.

Rob Van then with a sloppy Rolling Thunder, then gets up for a top rope kick thing to Abyss's fucking face again with his fucking broken teeth. Rob Van then goes after Hulk Hogan who is with that pipe and such, and Hogan puts the pipe in the ring, while Hogan bitches at the referee and stuff. Rob Van Dam gets in, and OH NOESZ ABYSS snatched up the pipe and is clutching it, and Rob Van picks him up and Abyss pops him in the stomach with it, then Black Hold Slam.

WINNAR: Abyss

They try to beat him up post-match but The Amazing Crimson comes out to clothesline Abyss with his BROKEN FUCKING TEETH. Abyss look like he gonna cry.

Meanwhile, JEFF HARDY? Sting arbitrarily brings him up, and says he's the first guy to want Jeff Hardy in, cos he been mountain biking. Meanwhile, Hogan gonna force Sting to do WHAT HE DOES FOR A LIVING; WRESTLE! ZOMFGZ~!

Backstage elsewqhere, Matt Hardy fondles the Crayola model belt that Hardy had, and such. He say tonight Sting he is Cold Blooded and he will destroy everything you ARE. He is not a good promo maker at all.

Speaking of Matt, Matt Morgan comes to the ring now. I'm tired and need a break. BRB. When I return, Morgtan says he FINALLY put the exclamation point at the end of that Hernandez sentence at Lockdown. So with that behind him, it's about time the Blueprint gets back on that track to getting the TNA World championship. And since everyone is just handing out championship opportunities from Sting to Hogan and Bischoff to the NETWORK. The Blueprint needs to be number one, at the very top of that list. Why?

He doesn't bother to explain why, just says he's bored, JUST LIKE ME, sick of this waiting game to come, etcetera, and if he don't get it, he gonna TAKE IT! When I think of it, shouldn't you have "taken" your title shot rather than just sitting and waiting? This arbitrarily brings out Scottle Steiner. EVRY DAY that he wakes up, he wakes up in a good mood, but some'in happens, never fails, that pisses him off. He claims to be the DNA of TNA? Well lemme explain some'in to you, if I had your DNA, if I had your genetics, I'd shoot myself. No no wait, I'd kill myself, then I'd hang myself. On a Bowflex. And a Bible beside my dead family members.

Why all this trash talk on Morgan? Because he's not Scott Steiner. Pretty much his only reason. Well you disrespecting piece of shit, listen 'ere, tha laine for world title shots starts before me, cos he been world champion already, and he's beaten people bigger than Morgan. Because he's Big pawapuh (his word), and Morgan is beneath him, just like his girlfriend was last night. And Steiner's calling Morgan disrespectful?

Morgan says he do respect Steiner, him being the all-American collegiate guy who went into pro wrestling and such. He's also the first guy to bring words like "athlete", "sport", "athleticism" in this ring and such.Morgan claims he loves wrestling more than anything in this universe, which is good because in an alternate universe they have Ultra Wrestling which is kind of like how WWE All Stars plays, only with women instead of roid rangers, and tons of sex in between the wrestling.

Morgan's in with a match with Steiner and such. ATHLETE TO ATHLETE. RESPECT. RESPEEEEEEEEC. Because he's not a smarmy shit likeMorgan, Steiner kicks his guts, then pulls him in a drop slam thing, break his back, fuck his ass, put him in Camel Clutch, make him humble. I mean Steiner Recliner.

Backstage, showing how TNA handles its surprise returns, some random brunette randomly appears, saying it's been four months since she's last been here. She been training and such, and she has one thing to say to you BITCHES who all look just like me; Miss Tessmacher is back. Who?

Random Commercial-area Thoughts: I honestly don't know if I'd rather see Winter each week, or Papa Shango

Speaking of which, Velvet Sky is backstage, proving how retarded she is by claiming SHE KNOWS THAT ANGELINA IS NOT OF SOUND MIND AND BODY and thus is not responsible, but when she STOLE VELVET SKY'S FINISHER (some kind of generic DDT) last week, she stepped over the line and she must pay. All in the same fucking sentence where she said Angelina is NOT OF SOUND MIND AND BODY.

Winter randomly appears and Velvet chokes her and such, saying the only reason she hasn't called the cops is because she's a fucking idiot, and Angelina Love appears to beat up Velvet. They'll clean the rest of this mess up next week.

TNA World Championship
Sting (C) vs Matt Hardy

I would cover this match, but I went to pee, then started looking at hardcore gay orgy porn, and started recapping that instead. I deleted it all because it was just a bit too incoherent for a TNA recap. If you'd like, I can recap a gay orgy porn clip next week. Just tell me you want it. The match itself? I don't know. It happened, and then Anderson Anderson came out and beat them both up, after Sting win.

WINNAR: Sting

BUT WAIT, the show still isn't over. After Anderson says some stuff I wasn't listening to, we find Karen Angle squealing and shrieking. Hopefully this clip is right after the thing, and not just now. Why the fuck is Angle so set on ruining their lives, and by proxy, the lives of HIS OWN FUCKING CHILDREN?

Meanwhile, Hogan is on the phone saying FUNNY FUNNY FUNNY Mister Anderson, I got ht emessage loud n clear, and you're gonna get my message, as he apparently left a voice mail message. Lockdown was the last change, and now he's got to pay the Piper. Ken Anderson vs Rowdy Roddy Piper, TNA Sacrifice. Make it so, WCW!

Elsewhere, Anderson says how he beat up Sting and Matt Hardy, while the idiot cameraman asks if they had it coming to them. Honestly? No. But Anderson is kind of like Eric Harris and Dylan Klebold, only less shooty.

Then Sting bitches about what Anderson did, and show ends, mercifully. Bowling shoe tendencies.

TNA YAY: I wasn't quite fantastic, but I was great as always

TNA BOO: Any more of this Angle vs Jarrett feud and someone's gonna start calling the cops, child's protective services, and Lifetime channel

TNA WTF: I've totally lost track of what the hell is happening, storyline-wise. What is happening? Why should I care?

Like I used to say a long while ago, if I don't return within a year, consider me dead.

Go play on my fucking Twitter Commander Halo

Feedback if you fucking want: phenomynouss@hotmail.com

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Andariel Halo is a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. She can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. She translates ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees. Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, Andy once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. Children trust her. She knows the exact location of every dairy item in the supermarket. She has performed covert operations for the CIA. She's in bed every day, but sleeps once a week, OH! The laws of physics do not apply to her. One time, she shot her friend in the back of the head with a BB gun, and placed all blame on him.