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TNA IMPACT
REPORT
(04/19/10)
by ANDARIEL HALO

Today's been a pretty awful day... first I had to read Cameron Inferno's RAW recap. Huuuuggghhh...

SO WHAT'S BETTER THAN TNA iMPACT TO BRIGHTEN UP THE DAY!?

Apparently according to last night at Lorkdown, His Holy Darkness now has one eye, as AJ has destroyed one of them with a pen. And Eric Bischoff gave some brass nookles to Hulk Hogan when he seemed about to give them to Ric Flair. TENSION?!

Speaking of whatever I was pretending to talk about, here be AJ Styles!

And even despite mutilating a black man, many people still cheer him! And not at all because he's a Southern white man in a Southern white state and his enemy was a pimpin' black man from New York!

Don't worry though, there's plenty of people chanting that he sucks. Probably not because he done put down an uppity negruh BOAY. He talks about how sweet his victory was, and how pound for pound he is the best wrassler in the world. He means, at Lockdownah, he stepped into the steel cage with the Pope and took care of business, without Dick Flair. And that wuz tew much for yew, Pope. As for Jeff Jarrett, Sting, Kurt Angle, they're no better than the Pope, and he beat them anyway. Or something.

RIGHT HERE IN THE iMPACT ZONE on whether it be the House Shows NOOO STOP SHOOTING! AJ Styles is the best... looking. His words. He's also the best athlete. And the workhorse of TNA. Which is why they strip him of the title right now and here on free tv to a pothead NO WAIT YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO KNOW THAT! He says he ain't slowin' down anytime soon.

Speaking of potheads, it's 4/20 today! And here be Rob Van Dam. He just waddles on down in casual clothes, where AJ took the time to dress like a faggot businessman. He stumbles into the ring all smug and drug looking. He wonders if he's confused, and says to AJ that that noise from the people there is called a crowd reaction. OMFG INSIDE THE BIZ!

So you know RVD was back there and AJ was doing a lot of talking, and AJ seems to think he's the best wrassler in TNEH. People chant AJ sucks and RVD's like it's obvious he was the best wrestler in TNA once upon a time, but times have changed. RVD gets it and knows AJ is upset cos he invested all his time in TNA and is used to getting all the attention...

This coming from a WWE guy since 2001, barges in and in two weeks becomes TNA World CHampion. And they wonder why TNA gets perpetual 1.0 ratings? I MEAN WAIT, YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO KNOW THAT YET!!!11

So people keep chanting AJ sucks because he's a TNA original and not a WWE... no wait, he was, for like one match on Velocity. RVD says TNA is where all the wrasslers wanna be, and how long can AJ possibly complain that he deserves the top spot more than some of these wrestlers, such as... himself. And they wonder why the 1.0's never stop.

Jeff Harvey's music hit and he wanders out all painted up and such. He says AJ has a little head to be so big-headed, compared to Jeff Harvey, who is still MODEST, SEE WHAT HE DID THERE COS MODEST IS HIS THEME SONG?!!!

So then Hulk Hogan's nWo music plays, and Hogan wanders out, all like THIS IS EXACTLY WHAT I'M TALKIN ABOUT and this is why everybody's talkin' about TNA... two ex-WWE guys dominating a TNA original in terms of pretty much everything except snappy dressing? Hogan says when you're the TNA World Champion, you're the best at what you do, BUT YOU KNOW SOMETHIN GUISE? When you're the World Champion, doors open up and things happen that you did not dream of.

It's about a bunch of stuff, says Hogan, including big fat paycheks... which is why they all want the title. Including Hogan. LOOK OUT, TNA BITCH! THE ULTIMATE EX-WWE GUY IS LOOKIN TO RUN ALL OVER YE.

BUT HOL UP Hogan said AJ asked something or other. He wanted to know how bad these two guise really want it. DO THEY WANT IT BAD ENOUGH TO PUT THEIR FRIENDSHIP ASIDE AND GET IN THE MIDDLE OF THE RING AND KISS AND SUCH STUFF? HOL ON HOL ON HOL ON JEFF HARVEY ARVEED DO YOU WANNA FIND OUT WHO'S THE VERY BEST TONIGwidth="630"UISE DAS JUS GRAET.

Then he wants everyone to scream TNA again and again. BUT YOU KNOW SOMETHIN' GUISE, AFTER TONIGHT WHEN ITS ALL SAID AND DONE AND YOU GUYS GO AT IT WIDE OPEN AND etcetera. The winner gets a title shot tonight. AJ says he's not ready to defend it at Sacrifice, and Hogan's all WHO SAID ANYTHING ABOUT SACRIFICE NO BRUTHER I'M NOT TALKIN ABOTU SACRIFICE I'M TALKIN ABOUT etcetera. It's just not interesting. If this were at 9pm, I'd have switched over to see Triple H shit on Iceland.

BACKSTAGE old man Flair walks in and a cameraman stands in front of him like a Paparazzo and ambushes him with questions he couldn't possibly know the answer to and Flair's like "I'M OOOOLD I DUNNOOOO WUUUT?!" but not quite.

Random Commercial-area Thoughts: E

TIME FOAR a female match thing.

Daffney and ODB w/ Jobber non-entrance vs The Horrible People

The fuck you think. Okay, fine, I'll be nice since they are females and thus superior to males in all ways. Daffy goes after Lacey von Erich right away, even ignoring Velvet Sky. Lacey then gets tagged in after Daffney is beaten on a bit, and Lacey does a flippy dippy moonsault... elbow drop. Velvet then gets tagged in to pull on Daffy's arm and put her foot on her. Then she picks her up and smacks her back, then climbs to the top turnbuckle, wiggles her pussy, then jumps and gets punched in the guts by Daffney.

She tries to tag in ODB but gets held by the leg by the other one. She kicks the other thing away and tags in ODB who tit-smashes everyone. Then she Lou Thesz presses Velvet, then grabs her and irish whips her across corners, titcrashes on her, then Fallaway Slams her. It IS happening as fast as I pretend to cover it.

As ODB gets up, she grabs Velvet Sky around, and backflip rolls up, but Madison Rayne distracts her enough for Lacey to spray ODB in the eyes with hairspray, so Velvet can roll her up and win.

WINNARS: The fuck you think.

So backstage, Jay Bee leans against a wall and listens in on AJ yelling at Dick Flair. He yells and such while Ric remains calm and talks AJ down, saying last night was a disaster... because his face got busted open. ORLY?! Dick Flair doesn't give a VAN DAM who wins tonight, and doesn't give a damn who brings what, he wantys a rematch of Team Hogan vs Team Flair. They got five minutes to get ready. HE DON'T CARE WHO THEY BRING WITH THEM DEY GOT FAHV MINITS. He then slams the door on jay Bee, literally sending him flying to the floor. That was awesome.

Random Commercial-area Thoughts: Tell me why I should see "Kick-Ass". Nothing has told me why I should see it or like it.

In the ring and such is Chris Parks and Jeff Jarrett. They hold up a sign that Jarrett deebo'd from some guy int he crowd that says "TEAM HOGAN" with a poor picture of Hulk Hogan on it. But since Jarrett is white, he gives it back. Chris Parks Hogan's it up by saying he heard about their little challenge for tonight but apparently THEY did not have heard, for the war between Team Hogan and Team Flair ended when Team Hogan won.

Meanwhile, Ric Flair comes out with Beer Munny and Stink and other people. He tells them to shut the music off, tells Chris Parks to kiss his ass and screw you and screw Hogan and screw the whole village. Team Flehr is here and now they gonna kick. you. ass.

So I didn't see Lorkdown, so I can only assume it was 5v2, since they didn't even bother telling us there would even be five members of Team Hogan on THE LAST iMPACT BEFORE THE EVENT! so Team Flair killshits them. Ric Flair supports them by going "WOO" on the microphone. Meanwhile, some freak Big Roid Terry comes in to killshit Team Flair. He throws people out of the ring, including nearly dropping Failure, before throwing Failure onto Sting. Sting then trips his roided ass up. He poses and taunts for big-time momentum boost while Dick Flair screams WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING and calls Jarreyy a dead man.

Eric Bischoff crawls out behind Flair and gets his attention by stating his last name multiple instances and questioning this again REALLY? and thought he learned his lesson last night. Ric Flair says ""

Eric Bischoff say this not be handicap match 4v3, so he has a Samoan guy eager to be ready to go to make it 4v4, and see Team Flehr get its ass kicked again. STILL TO COME, an actual match.

Random Commercial-area Thoughts: Where the fuck do all these random comic-book movies based on obscure and esoteric comics like "300" and "The Spirit" and "Watchmen" and "Kick-Ass" come from? I never fucking heard of any of those until they made movies off them, and they all sound like shit sandwiches to me. What ever happened to shit like that Jughead and Archie fucker? And the Superman and Batman and stuff? And suddenly they're not "cool" and only "cool" comics like Watchmen and shit are popular, despite being prolific only amongst post-college fat guys who live in their mom's basement yelling at people on the internet about how they are failures at life because they think Zack Snyder is a hack without any directorial vision of his own.

Speaking of my not appearing as though I give a fuck, here be Shannon Moop approached by Matthias Morganite who proclaims that they do not need help defending the titles, but we came to Shannon Moop anyway. Moop wonders if Matthias counts his ego as a second person. Morganite smugs, and says we are allowing Moop to join them, so either do it or be a piece of shit. Moops says he needs to be mentally prepared for his X title match next week. He says some random segment of the book of Ballyhoo or whatever he called it says that he can kiss his tattooed ass. We are not amused!

Walking around backstage is Hulk Hogan and Eric Bischoff with Hogan all like "I will never doubt you again" for stabbing Ric Flehr in the back and such. Hogan is still high after LORKDOWN, and this gonna make history with TNA and such. They looking forward to this rematch stuff, and they wonder if this man is gonna be here for sure and people will love it.

Speaking of whatever Bischoff said, he calls in his assistant, former WWE Diva... former WWE Diva. She has no idea how to file shit, and Bischoff has to specify she must fetch the files in his office with the "green thingy". Hogan sexes it up hard wondering about his own thingy, and Bischoff says she takes great dic...tation.

Meanwhile backstage RVD rambles about not hating Jeff Harvey and he's here to show him the whole incest-baby-making-cunt-fucking show.

Random Commercial-area Thoughts:

Jeffrey Caligula Harvey vs Rob Claude Van Dam

They start with the circling and the lunging at each other all like "hey I'm testing them out" all stuff. Then they hold hands. But Rob Van Dam wants to hug his back, but Jeff scrambles away like he just found out he's going down for 10 years on drug charges or something. They then hold hands again, and Harvey turns it around in a backhug, only for Harvey to try it, but then he tries a Twist of Fate and Ar Vee Dee escapes.

When we return from commercial, Rob Van Dam is playing with Harvey on the outside, sets him up on the metal barricade, then does a spinning legdorp on him, and apparently busts his arm against something. Rob Van Dam gets up farst and poses for extra momentum boost. Jeff Harvey then gets tossed in and Rob Van Dam taunts again for extra momentum. He slingshots over the rope and legdrop crushes Harvey's head on the apron.

Rob Van Dam is mysteriously bleeding for some reason. He crawls to the top rope and dives to cross body Harvey. Pin gets 2. Jeff Harvey gets beaten on a bit, then irish whipped, but he trips up Rob Van Dam onto the turnbuckle and Harvet grabs his legs to smoosh his noots with his legs. He then kicks him up some, dorpkicks, and pin gets 2. They slowly get up, but Jeff gets up first and irish whips Van Dam, but OH NOESZ Revarsed and he tries a rolling thing but Harvey catches him with a clothesline in midair, pin gets 2.

They get up again, and Jeff Harvey gets attacked, but Harvey counters with punches, runs, and Rob Van Dam splits so he can jump over him, but Harvey sits his ass down on RVD's legs and pin gets 2. He then suckerpunchies him in the face, then pins gets 2. Harvey climbs to the top rope but RVD smashes his back up, then RVD grabs him for like abackdrop, but slides him on the rope, then kicks him in the face. Then he gets on the top rope, and kicks him in the head out of the ring.

They lay around, Harveyt on the mat, Rob Van Dam on the canvas. SO THIS IS A GREAT TIME FOR COMMERCIALS! Not now, but soon. Rob Van Dam spinning leg drops Harvey when Harvey gets in, then does a ROLLING THUNDER. He pins but gets 2. Rob Van Dam grabs Jeff's head, but he rams him into a turnbuckle, then tries a hanging on to the ropes dropkick thing with Rob on the floor, but Rob moves, so Harvey crashes and burns like a meth house on fire, then does a split-legged moonsault on Harvey.

The men get up and start hugging, but then RVD does a suplex attempt but Harvey counters, knocks him, then does a front suplay. He then takes off his shirt and gets on the top rope. Rob Van Dam gets up and spinnin gheel kicks his face, slumping him on the top rope. Rob Van Dam then gets on top, puts Harvey in a suplay position, and tries to do it to it, but Harveyt shoves him off, then gets up top for a Kenton bomb but OH NOESZ IT MISSED and Rob Van Dam springs up for a Five Star Frog Splash and wins.

WINNAR: Rob Varn Dam

Random Commercial-area Thoughts: It took some time, but Rule 34 took hold... and Hit Girl from "Kick-Ass" is now porn-fodder!

Now we go backstage where the redhead is intarviewing Rob Van Dam and THE LEEEEWWWWWWWSURRRRRRR. Apparently RVD requested Harvey be here, to smug off with his losing and such. The little redhead likes that they are just as tight as ever, something she's not known in, oh nevermind. They then have a TV behind them show replays of the match, with some commentary from the two of them. Why? Rob Van Dam points out moves all like "THAT HURT" and "OH HO HO HO" and such. They then hug and kiss and make out.

RVD's thoughts on the title shot? He said tyhat they said whoever wins, they support them. Of this match that past. Now he focus on AJ.

Meanwhile, somewhere else, Chris Parks Hogans it up with Big Roid and Jeff Jarrett. He says Big Roid did what Hulk Hogan wanted him to do by RAISING HIS GAME. Meanwhile, everyone will know he is a freak. His words. Chris Parks has a feeling the fourth member is gonna be a BOMBSHELL! Like terrorist-y?

Meanwhile, Sting comes out, to total storyline apathy and fan approval! We then get replays of last week's... eh, stuff.

Team Flair vs Team Hogan

For some odd reason, Sting just leaves. Like, goes over the metal barricade and slowly leaves. SO CLEARLY THIS IS A GREAT TIME FOR COMMERCIALS! Anyway, when we come back, Sting and Jeff Jarrett are fighting out there. Sting throws Jarrett's head into a steel chair, then whacks his back with it. The Taz says he wants to hear Sting's reasons, but Sting doesn't need to explain it to anyone. Or... like... NONE OF IT FUCKING MAKES SENSE, WHY THE FUCK DO PEOPLE THINK STING'S HEELTURN IS SURPRISING GIVEN THE SHIT WITH HIM AND DIXIE CARTER ABOUT HULK HOGAN BACK BEFORE JANUARY?!

Oh my God... I'll get back to recapping when some actual wrestling happens. Or other stuff. Jarrett yells "AHM GUNNA FAND AOT WUN WAY OR ANUDDER" after beating on Sting some. But Sting beats on him some more, and there was much fan approval. After a few minutes, one minute left until other team members come. Then ten seconds. HERE COMES FAILURE!

Fail slides along the apron and... waits to get tagged in by Sting. What a fuckwit. He gets his tag and starts beating on Jarrett with GENERIC WRESTLING OFFENSE! It's NWA Florida all over again. Jarrett beats him down with his "BLONDE BOSS'S SON" superpower and dominates failure, but Fail does some stuff with an armwrenching snap thing. He then pushes Jarrett against the turnbuckle, and sets him up on it to do his shitty finisher. Jarrett exercises that superpower again and BACKDROPS him. Wow that was some intense wrestlingnot, so Jarrett must lay on the ground and rest.

Meanwqhile, here be Big Roid, to be tagged in and see Failure run backwards, against the ropes, and into Roid's roidline. He back body dorps the failsauce, then starts clotheslining Sting around. OMFG some kind of Whoopi Goldberg appears on the top of the ramp, to total apathy! Hesheit watches while Big Roid powerslams Fail.

Random Commercial-area Thoughts: No one's gonna buy that shit. You know what it is.

When we're back LIVE, Chris Parks is arbitrarily fighting Robert Roode. Chris Parks boots Roode in the face. He then waddles over and smashes him on the turnbuckle, then gets him in a choke slam when he rebounds. Parks then 'Tards up a bit, and puts Roode in the corner to punchie him up, then irish whip, and back drop him. Out comes James Swift to be the last Team Flehr member. Roode meanwhile snaps Chris Parks' neck. At least, that's what Mike Tenay said. Fucking Mike Tenay.

Swift then gets tagged in so he can knee Chris Parks in the face a bunch, but when he runs to attack him with something, he gets sideslammed. GENERIC POWER MAN OFFENSE! He then tags in Jarrett slowly, while Failure gets tagged in to be beaten on by Jarrett, but now they triple team him. And Big Roid holds his hand out unhelpfully. They meanwhile irish whip Storm into Jarreyy in the corner, but Jarrett moves aside, and double clotheslines them.

Out bes Samoan Yusufus. After weeks of furious digging, they finally recovered Josephus from that hole he was buried in. Joe just stands around, staring down at Jarrett, and Jarrett reaches up queerly, and Joe smacks him so he can get in and killshit people, this time with real wrestling moves! Also, something wrong here... the bottom-scrolly thing gives the TNA Lockdown results, and it said Brian Kendrick won an Xscape match, but now it says Homicide did. SOME KIND OF SECRET STORYLINE TWIST THING?

Oh, by the way.

WINNAR: Team Hoganite

Joe leaves, and Ric Flehr randomly comes out and gets on the microphone. HE'S GOT SOMETHING TO SAY TO THEM... commercials. Yes, commercial interruption.

Random Commercial-area Thoughts: RIP R-Truth

When we come back, there's dead fucking silence for several seconds. The Taz then says "Wow", and finally some music plays, and we hear voices. Replay now of what happened during the commercials. Ric Flair wiggs out all crazy old man type, saying he's gonna put his Hall of Fame ring on the line NEXT WEEK in a match.

TNA World Championship
Rob Van Dam vs AJ Flair

AJ throws his nature boy robe on Van Dam then ambushes him. Some odd camera coloring as it flicks from one, with a slightly blueish tone throughout, to one that looks like the whole arena is on fire, then back to blueish. Meanwhile, AJ throws Rob Van Damn out of the ring. AJ Flair makes a queer heel. In a bad way. Speaking of bad timing, HERE BE COMMERCIALS.

Meanwhile, back live on iMPACT! comes the Phenomenal AJ Stylesz against Are VD. AJ keeps witht he generic brawling, and irish whips, then Rob Van Dam slides over him, punches him, irish whips, misses a clothesline, slides under him, then gets tripped up, and high dropkicked by AJ. Pin gets 2. AJ chops him up, then grabs his leg to pull him out and legsweep him, then start spinning around and dropping elbow on him.

Van Dam comes fighting back but gets Dragon Screwed. AJ then puts his booties on Rob Van Dam's throat, then slowly pulls him up and tries to slam him on the turnbuckle but RVD escapes. He then ENZUIGIRIs AJ in the head. Close-up of RVD's butt, both men down and being counted. They eventually get up so AJ can chop him up, but Rob Van Dam responds with PUNCHES. Aj keeps chopping, and RVD PUNCHES. He then clotheslines AJ a bunch.

This match screams "Former Epic Wrestling Legends Holding Back In Almost Every Way To Put On A Lackluster Shit Match That People Who Watch It Live Still Consider It Great" or something. AJ tries something, then decides to do a figger four leglock. Rob Van Dam wiggles around but eventually gets ahold of the ropes. Ric then just drags him away to put the figger four back on. So RVD small packages him and pin gets 2. They then lazily exchange punches, RVD escapes, then gets an OMFG PELE~!11 OUT OF NOWHERE.

AJ then sets up Rob Van Dam for a Styles Clash thing, but Rob Van Dam blocks, then back drops AJ onto the apron. He then springboard somethings, but RVD revarses it into a powerbomb. He then does a Five Star Frog Splash and pinaalls.

wINNAR + TNA World Championship: Rob Van Dam

Yeah, fuck you TNA Originals. TNA guy fights for eight years to get to the top, he gets ousted by an ex-WWE guy 1 month in the company. On an average TV episode.

Hulk Hogan-colored confetti falls into the ring in huge doses. Jeff Harvey goes to hug Rob Van Damn.

Just to further smear it in the faces of TNA people, Dixie Carter and Hulk Hogan come to hug RVD, as well as a bunch of face wrestlers. YEAH, FUCK YOU TNA GUY! HOORAY FOR THE GUY WHO WAS IN ECW FOR YEARS AND WWE FOR SIX YEARS AND JUST WON OUR COMPANY'S TOP TITLE IN ONE MONTH! WHO SAYS WE'RE THE WWE'S OLD PEOPLE RETIREMENT HOME!? EVERYONE?! FUCK THEM!

TNA YAY: I dunno. I didn't die. No one else died, either. That's always great.

TNA BOO: The fact that an ex-WWE guy (And no matter the fact that RVD is best known as ECW headliner, he was in WWE for six years) spends less than a month in this company, then beats their best and greatest and most well-known original wrestler for the top company title on a television match. I didn't watch TNA 2006-2008 so fuck you, I don't know this shit. Also, the match was atrocious.

TNA WTF?: See above.

You've just been Halonic Death Ray'd, and like I say every week, if I'm not back within two or three weeks, consider me dead.

Feedback if you want: phenomynouss@hotmail.com

Andariel Halo is a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. She can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. She translates ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees. Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, Andy once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. Children trust her. She knows the exact location of every dairy item in the supermarket. She has performed covert operations for the CIA. She's in bed every day, but sleeps once a week, OH! The laws of physics do not apply to her. One time, she shot her friend in the back of the head with a BB gun, and placed all blame on him.

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TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).