TNA IMPACT RANT

by Andariel Halo

April 14, 2011

This week's TNA recap comes to you from me, with tons of pretend love and narcissism, and a heaping dosage of failure and mediocrity. Some fanmail I got last week indicated a genuine like for cases which would preclude divorce, such as engaging in sex acts with a married person when you are not married to them. Then they reminded me that the show sucks and I'm terrible and I told them off "Who are you to get off on cuckoldry, you sick bitch?" It was like that time I sucked that guy's cock for twenty dollars. I didn't do it because he was there; I did it because he had a guitar with him. Thus, he was clearly a big-time ROCK STAR! Though it was acoustic, so it might've been some shitty band like Nickelback.

Speaking of things that are shitty, we get a recap of Anderson Anderson being outsmarted by a retard, ambushed and beat up by a stoner with no capacity for stealth, made a deal with the devil to get stuff he wanted, then immediately backing out with extreme prejudice before he ever got anything, while ensuring that the devil would be mad as hell and seek vengeance.

This could be my dissertation for an abnormal psychology Master's.

Seriously, what's his appeal?

Speaking of unappealing, out comes WCW! Hulk Hogan, Eric Bischoff, and the other people in IMMORTAL now including Abyss, Ric Flair, and Jeff Jarrett! Remember all them part of Immortal? This supergroup is kind of looking like shit these days. The only people they have really worth a damn in terms of name-value recognition are... Abyss.... and Matt Hardy... and maybe Jeff Jarrett... and NONE of them are BIG BIG names like Hulk Hogan or Ric Flair or Ahmed Johnson or Vader or Stone Cold Steve Austin. The funniest part is that TNA COULD have their own big-ass names loading IMMORTAL if they ever even bothered to push any of them.

Hogan says that there IS top talent in the ring here, but there IS also that lingering sense of rotten crap out here, so he calls out the shithead, Anderson Anderson Anderson Anderson Anderson Anderson. He comes out now looking ANGRYFACED! Your own damn fault, moron.

The Taz even warns Ken not to be dumb. HURRDURR too late. Welcome to Paul Wight, bruther! For the last six weeks, Hogan has given him EVERY SINGLE opportunity to do the right thing, and time and time again he's told him he can either do things the Hard way the Anderson Way or the Easy way the Immortal Way, bruther. And time and time again, Anderson has been a fucking retard, which means he spits in Hogan's face. So Hogan's just gonna have to make an example out of him. Anderson brays at him like a jackass, talking shit about Immortal and such, saying they're swinging from his fucking nuts.

He says Eric Bischoff is riding Hogan's coattails and everyone sees it, how do you not? STOP SHOOTING, ASSHOLE~!!~!!~ At the end of the day, he's got to look his drunk ass self in the mirror and he's got to say "Mister Anderson Anderson YOU REALLY ARE an asshole" and the guys in Immortal are just up Hogan's asshole WAIT FOR IT DURR WAITY FOR IT DURR ASSS- and Hogan beats his shitheaded ass down, and Immortal starts beating up on him. And who will save him? He's alienated everyone due to his own idiocy and stupidity.

Hogan says LEMME TELL YOU SOMETHING ANDERSON while they hold him up, "YOU DISRESPECTED ME FOR THE VERY LAST TIME AND WHEN IMMORTAL GETS DONE WITH YOU TONIGHT I DON'T EVEN THINK YOU'LL MAKE IT TO LOCKDOWN BRUTHER! YOU'RE RESPONSIBLE FOR THIS KENNYBOY! YOU BROUGHT THIS ALL UPON YOURSELF" The best part is it's true. Hogan's gonna take him out on his time. Anderson then spits in Bully Ray's face, and BULLY Ray punches him one. Dumb shit. The Taz says nobody's come to help Anderson because nobody likes an a-hole.

Very few things make me feel so good as to see a miserable piece of shit gets hisher comeuppance for being so damn willfully stupid. Not quite Schadenfreude, I think.

Speaking of pieces of shit, Velvet Sky is backstage knocking on a door and Winter comes out all like KEEP IT DOWN and such, because Zombie Angelina is resting. Velvet wonders WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO HER! Winter says Angelina's a big girl, she can make her own decisions, and she's decided she doesn't want anything to do with Velvet. You remember that deadface walking? (hurrdurr namedrop) She ain't deciding anything while she's being raped.

Backstage elsewhere, IMMORTAL self-congratulatory wanks themselves in the lockerroom. YOU'RE NOT GONNA BELIEVE THIS! Bischoff just got a call from the NETWORK! Tonight, they wanna do a best of three series; FOURTUNE against Immortal, winning team gets a... one man advantage going into Lockdown. Seriously? One side should just say fuck it, not bother showing up, and save their strength for the match themselves rather than blowing themselves up for a fucking shitty tidbit advantage like that. NETWORK = RATINGS the same way TNA = WRESTLING. Speaking of which,

THE AMAZING CRIMSON vs Jesse Neal, Orlando Jordan, TEH Douglas Williams w/ All non-jobber entrances except Crimson

I... they didn't announce shit. Apparently it's a four way match, and NOT a handicap one on three. Motherfuckers. Jesse Neal starts with Douglas Williams, playing with him some, and Shannon Moop taunts Scottle Steiner. TEH irish whips the mohawk guy and he reverses and armdrags. Without even tagging, Orlando gets in to sideslam and pinfail while TEH Douglas just leaves. Irish whip by Orlando Jordan and Jesse Neal jumps on him. Orlando leaves and The Amazing Crimson just gets in, and The Taz says "well... kinda looks like you don't need to tag here..." and it's like STOP SHOOTING, SENERCHA! Because, see, it makes TNA look fucking stupid.

Jesse Neal top rope bodypresses on Crimson, then spears him down. Shannon Moops keeps taunting Scott Steiner like he was Anderson Anderson. Then he just goes to shove Steiner, which is funny because Steiner just fucking CRUSHES his fucking little pussy emo fag self, and Jesse Neal leaves to go deal with it. The Amazing Crimson then goes to deal with it but OH NOESZ Abyss attacks Crimson from behind. Eric Young somehow falls on Douglas Williams and rolls around on him, while they're both still standing. Abyss peels off a piece of the security railing, and hilariously a pack of secuirty guards go NOT to get it back or to break them up, but to go and kneel down to plug that hole, completely ignoring Abyss and such, just staring at them as though everyone in the front row was just gonna pour in and dance.

Anyway, Orlando Jordan pin gets 2 and The Taz remarks it must suck to get pinned by a guy wearing what Orlando is wearing, which is FABULOUS!@ Eric Young makes like he's gonna scoop slam the referee, but sets him down, and beats off Brutus Mangey, and Orlando Jordan hits the GENDER BENDER on the british guy.

WINNAR: Orlando Jordan

Backstage, BULLY Ray comes into what looks like a guy's dorm room, where Rob Van is playing video games. WWE ALL STARS! WHERE YOU CAN PLAY AS 1/6th OF THE CURRENT TNA ROSTER! Now might not be the best time ot be playing video games says BULLY Ray, and now's not the time to fight. He gonna give him a little heads up; Hogan is gonna make him an uawfuh he should not refuse. Let me put it in terms you can understand; this time the grass IS greener on the other side. And there are less seeds too. HURRDURR he smokin teh pot.

Too many matches sheduled for tonight. I wonder how many will end in outside interference and arbitrary brawling!

Matt Hardy w/ shitty Internet-y video vs KAZ

Earl Hebner wastes some time bitching at FOURTUNE and now, because you expected it, he sends FOURTUNE away tot he back, then goes after IMMORTAL to do the same. Ric Flair be's a bitch while KAZ goes for cheap-ass schoolboys and rollups on fatty. Then he runs at him, gets back bodied onto the apron, and gets kicked in the guts with Matt on the ringropes as he tries toe nter, and a neckbreaker on the ropes things. Pin gets 2. Elbows now on Kaz and a legdrop on him, and pin gets 2. Whiplash effect thingy and such and pin gets 2. I wasn't paying attention; I'm also watching Conquest of the Planet of the Apes. Fun stuff. I didn't know apes could be so rubbery.

Matt Harvey then goes for a TWIST OF WEIGHT but Kaz reverses into a cheapass backslide. Harveyt fails a side effect and Kaz rollsup, but Matt Harvey then sideeffects on him and pin gets 2. Hardy then goes up to do a moonsault but Kaz moves aside, and then Kaz gets up and runs and runs at Matt and OH MY GOD THE APES HAVE BROKEN THROUGH! They beating on the humans with random shit, even when the humans have guns that go shooty shooty without pause. Kaz goes for a kill on Hardy, going for some thing which Hardy reverses, and he runs into the corner and OH MY GOD THE APES HAVE GUNS NOW! ASSAULT RIFLES! Hardy irish whips Kaz into the corner, and Kaz kicks him in the face and Hardy whines, but so what? The apes are loose and tehy have guns! Stay indoors, bitch.

Matt Hardy shoves Earl into the ropes, and goes for some weird-ass submission hold on Kaz, which is like a bear hug with his legs too.

WINNAR: Matt Harvey

Nice to see an unhealthy, overweight, WWE hasbeen/neverwas go over one of TNA's few remaining originals AND a world champion.

After commercials, Madison Rayne is in the ring now with Tarantula. For the last seven days, she hasn't been able to sleep; every night when she lays down to go to bed, all she can do is play with herself. Or wait. Play back the events of last week in her head, over and over and over again, and take load after load after load of manseed on her face. Speaking of which, that speech that the main bad guy gives after he's been captured by Caesar in "Conquest of the Planet of the Apes" is epic.

Meanwhile, Madison Rayne has had a question weighing heavily on her mind. I totally missed it. She says she would have backed that bike up and run Mickie James' ass over one more time, and then slapped you, Tara, for questioning me. HURRDURR INEVITABLE TARA FACE TURN. I'm bored. Madison Rayne says she's the reason Tarantula has a job after she RETIRED her. And if she continues to give Madison the slightest bit of attitude, she will make sure she is back behind that makeup counter stocking lipgloss for minimum wage. Tara grabs the microphone after Madison asks if she has something to say. Before she can say anything, crunchy cunt sounds and Mickie James comes out to interrupt like a bitch, totally oblivious to Tara's inevitable faceturn.

So she's gonna be an idiot and risk Tara remaining heel? Or wait, she talks shit on Madison alone. She was right about one thing; she shoulda ran her over one more time but she didn't, and she got back up and you can rest assured that at Lorkdown, she's gonna put her through every ounce of pain she was put through, plus some. She has mocked everything Mickie James am and stands for, and last week she arbitrarily ran her over with absolutely no buildup, no foreshadowing, no reasoning, no logic, no coherency, and almost no followup attention paid to it just until now. On Lockdown, she's going to show just how hardcore crunchy her pussy really is.

Commercials later and we return to Jeff Jarrett coming out, to a bunch of boos or something, and no one in the crowd moving at all. WHAT GIVES?! You'd think the audience just stopped caring about this vanilla midget and they start having fake boos come out from the speakers or something. But that's all just TOO crazy; it makes much more sense to assume that they really do cheer and boo due to having compelling characters and stories. Wait...

Hernandez and Pope D'Angelo Dinero w/ Both jobber-non entrance and Jeff Jarrett vs Matt Morgan and Samoa Joe and Kurt Angle

This is OBVIOUSLY the perfect time for a commercial, right as Angle and Jarrett start and Jarrett flees the ring. So tired of this shit. I need more. Pope beats on Morgan when we return, and he gets caught in a chokeslam attempt but he floats over and gets backed into the corner where Morgan does his elbow thing. Then he goes into the other corner to do a big Carbonite footprint but misses. Pope now plays with his knees some, and tags in Hernandez, who starts generically stomping on Morgan. He runs but Morgan comes up to clothesline him down. Kurt Angle now tagged in and Hernandez boots him, and goes to the top rope only for Kurt Angle to toss him off with a Belly to Belly quick snap toss suplex.

Joe then gets tagged in and Jeff Jarrett too and Joe shoves Hernandez away, smushes Jarrett in the corner, then Hernandez runs at him and gets smushes. Joe then weakly kicks on Hernandez's back, and a quick powerslam on Jarrett pin gets 2. Pope breaks it up, and Pope now puts Pope in the corner, trying to Musclebuster, but he kicks him in the head, and goes for it, but Jarrett smacks him in the knee with his own knee. Jarrett then looks there, and Angle positioning like for an Olympic SLam but Jarrett sees it and runs away, and Angle chases him backstage. No tags anymore.

Hernandez slingshot shoulderblocks into Joe, then shows off his arm tattoos that say "NADA ES IMPOSSIBLE" which means Buttcheeks Is Impossible. No wait, that's "Nalgas". Hernandez then gets his brass knuckles and Morgan punches him up, and then goes to clothesline Hernandez out of the ring. Pope then gets in to use the brass knuckles and punch Joe with them.

WINNAR: Jeff Jarrett, Hernandez, Pope Blackadictus I D'Angelo Dinero

Now a post-match beating. After commercials, MOMENTS AGO as Jarrett runs for the car and other Jarrett FORGOT HER PURSE and goes back but WAAAAA! Kurt shows up and Jarrett drives off without other Jarrett. Kurt smuggly says That's your husband; real good pick. Maybe he wouldn't have if Kurt hadn't been chasing after him like a goddamn murderer. Especially after spending gods know how many months harassing them for no coherent reason.

Speaking of harassment, Hogan and Bischoff come out to waste more time. Hogan needs to talk to ROB DAM VAN! Hogan knows Rob sees what's going on, so he gonna say PLEEEASe don't make the same mistake that Anderson made; making a deal for something, violently backing out of it without getting what he wanted, thus making YET ANOTHER enemy. He say people have been taking advantage of RDV due to his laid back avenue, but lately he's been ON FIRE like so many joints, and the NEW RDV ain't gonna take a backseat to anybody, and if you think Hulk Hogan didn't see wha ttruly happened in that match with Sting, he truly saw what was going on; when Anderson dropped him, RVD took advantage of the situation and he pinned the TNA champion.

That's the way Hogan saw it and he did a lot, bruther. Before RVD can speak, Sting comes out to be a smug shit. He says that's a lie because Rob never saw Anderson lay Sting out. And the Rob Van Dam Sting says he knows would not take a win like that. The same Rob Van Dam Sting beat the fuckshit out of with a baseball bat during his whiny emo faggot stage of warning Dixie Carter about Hogan and Bischoff by saying "You're a fucking idiot. Smoke and mirrors, shock and awe!"

If Rob Van defeats him, he wins Sting's title. But if he's not and if he sides with these two jabronis right here, then the only way he onna win the title is over his dead body. Why in the fucking hell would Rob Van Dam side with Sting? Sting's done buttfuck nothing for him aside from killshitting him. Rob Van just leaves, and Bischoff is feeling really smug. The deal is Sting is never gonna get a guy like RVD because despite everything he's accomplished and such, the fact is that he's just not quite the chess player that Hulk Hogan is. I... what? In fact, Hulk Hogan has been outmanipulating Sting for the better part of his career, and he is manipulating you and playing you like a violin right now. STOP SHOOTING, BISCHOFF~!

As a matter of fact, he sees a CHECKMATE in Sting's very very near future. Because Jamal is dead and Rosey is S.H.I.T., no one comes in 3 minutes, and Sting SDD's Bischoff, then Hogan stumps around all like no, because if he gets slammed, he'll explode into five pieces. Sting then leaves, saying he'll deal with Hogan on HIS OWN TIME!

Commercials later, we're introduced to Abyss's even more generic shitty theme, which sounds like it would be used for Raven or Tommy Dreamer, complete with a bell gong so shitty generic, it's fucking synthesized. A fucking synth bell. TOP THAT, WWE!

Abyss vs James Storm

Meanwhile, Beer Money's theme is just the sort of thing an eighteen year old girl wants to hear being played in a truckstop bar while she loses her virginity to a speed'd up biker named Gabe who was wearing a man thong. James Storm spits said manthong in Abyss's face in liquid form, and starts pounding on him outside the ring. Meanwhile Mike Tenay has heard HUEG NEWSZ that the Jarrett vs Angle match at Lockdown is a BEST OF 3 FALLS ULTRA MALE rules. Courtesy of the NETWORK, the entity that's been booking the slide back down to 1.1 ratings for the past few weeks. Fire the Network? Hell no!

Speaking of hell, this match. Abyss punches up on Storm a bunch into the corner, punching him down, then he goes back, stares down Earl Hebber, and then makes like he gonna wait for Storm to get up, then he goes for his retard smack into the corenr but Storm moves aside and James Storm runs and clotheslines him down. Storm then flying forearms him, and he runs at Abuyss in the corner, Abyss back body dorps him, and he kicks his head from outside the ring. Storm now punching up Abyss again. He runs at Abyss but gets caught in a chokeslam attempt but James Storm reverses it into a Codebreaker and pin gets 2.

You know what? It's a BEST OF 3 match, and IMMORTAL won a match already. Abyss ain't fucking winning. Abyss catches Storm's kick and BLACK HOLE SLAMS him down. OH NOESZ SWERVE~!

WINNAR: Abyss

Can you believe it? A BEST OF 3 tournament for an advantage thing and IMMORTAL wins it flawlessly in the first two. To be honest, I approve of this; I'm tired of the wrestling "convention" of there having to be a third round all the time. Speaking of losers, FOURTUNE comes to chase Immortal out of the ring and stand around James Storm.

UP NEXT, pidgeon's wings are flapping. The Taz sees pidgeons that Velvet Sky keeps stored in her rear. Back from commercials, Eric Bischoff bitches to someone on the phone, and WE SMELL A RAT, because he thinks a pro wrestler is behind the NETWORK'S booking decisions. Because only a PRO wrestler can decide on such scattershot booking decisions after having suffered 80 concussions in their career. Oh noesz, it's a Benoit. Bischoff is given the response IN TIME. This is faker than Velvet Sky's tits.

CONFIRMING my idea that Taz believes Velvet Sky squirts pidgeons out of her ass, he bitches when Velvet casually gets into the ring, and literally says the pidgeons got crushed. Velvet say she will talk to Angelina and such and will not hold back from whuppin that ass. This provokes Harry Potter MIDI music with Evanescence vox, and Angelina Love comes out, with some blatant makeup put on the sides of her eyes near the nose like she's a zombie or something DURR.

Being the fucking idiot she is, Velvet Sky just starts punching and shoving Angelina when ANgelina tries to walk into her like a wind-up doll. Angelina then leaves, still zombiefied, Velvet not even ---o h wait, she got a steel chair now to bring in. She DDT's Velvet Sky, and Mike Tenay is like LOOK AT HER FACE no emotion no expressions, The Taz says it's like she's juts going through the motions HIYO. Hi. Now DDT onto the steel chair proper. The camera then zooms in so close to her face that you can see the makeup around her eyes is just so obviously makeup, and she has tons of bumps on her skin, like a female Edward James Olmos in the making. She makes Winter look acceptable.

For... what? Apparently the main event of Lorkdown is now Anderson vs Sting vs RV for the championship. Since when?!

Mr. Shithead vs IMMORTAL gauntlet

First comes some jobber I've never heard of before and never seen ever. They call him "Murphy" which... just screams main event material. Stone Cold Steve Austin, The Rock, "The Game" Triple H, Cactus Jack, "The Olympic Hero" Kurt Angle, "The Viper" Randy Orton, the Edge, the "Showstopper" the Heartbreak Kid Shawn Michaels, and now... Murphy. Just Murphy, nothing else. Murph Murph. He got eliminated by Anderson before I even finished. Big Roid Terry then comes, putting Anderson in a move guaranteed to shred all the tendons and ligaments and cartilidge in someone's knee. He then drops Anderson and smushes him in the corner, then gets up for a slam but Anderson slips out, Mic Checks, and beats him John Cena-style---literally no offense except his finisher.

Now comes... the TV champion... some random generic jobber nobody? Never seen him before ever. Who the fuck is this? Why the fuck is he TV champion? They call him "Gunner"... that's a fucking main event name. Sting, Booker T, Rey Mysterio, The BIG SHOW, the UNDERTAKER, the Big Red Machine/Monster Kane, LATINO HEAT Eddie Guerrero, whose last name means WARRIAH, and... Gunner. Just Gunner, nothing else. Gunna. Same shit, virtually no Anderson offense, then a Mic Check and pinwin.

Now comes BULLY Ray to beaton him. People FINALLY acknowledge my latent criticism of Anderson by chanting "YOU CAN'T WRESTLE!" so I say with approval, indeed. He's literally done buttfuck nothing this whole match beyond Mic Checks. Just like John Cena, only without the drawing power or appeal or money-making gimmick. Now he's put in the same leg-lock position he was put in by Big Roid to destroy his knee stuff. Then open hand slaps on the face of Anderson. Anderson then breaks out MOVE 2 in his arsenal tonight; slap. Then, MOVE 3; punches. Irish whip on BULLY Ray is reversed, and he elbows Anderson down.

BULLY Ray gets on the top rope and Anderson punches him up, then gets him for into his weak-ass Green Bay Plunge move, and pin gets 2. Ken slowly gets up, and BULLY Ray punches. Then they punch um up each other until BULLY Ray kicks him down. BULLY Ray tosses Anderson out of the ring, then beats up the referee for no reason, and goes out of the ring to keep beating on Anderson Anderson Anderson Anderson Anderson. He beats on him and drags him up the ramp. So who won the match?

As BULLY Ray is gonna whack Anderson with his chain thing, Hogan needlessly comes out, gesticulating at BULLY Ray, apparently wanting him to throw Anderson --- oh wait, HOGAN gonna do it. He pulls off that white paper towel thing around his stomach that was supposedly a backbrace, and goes like to powerbomb Anderson, but STING appears to yell at him, but then Abyss comes to be hit with a baseball bat, and Hogan makes like Ozzy Osbourne and kind of meanders off slowly away. Sting then beats up BULLY Ray. Then he stands over Anderson, and points the bat at him. So, um...

WINNAR: Sting

With no solutions, go with the washed up old man to bury the young talent. After commercials, we WASTE TIME hearing Immortal and FOURTUNE bitch and scream about one another and Lockdown.

TNA YAY: I was fantastic this week. I was just fucking fantastic.

TNA BOO: James Storm calling Abyss "Abitch". And the matches were boring and listless, like no one cared.

TNA WTF: Ken Anderson. Seriously, what's his appeal? Even in the last moments when he talks at the end of the show, he throws a tantrum like a fucking child, bitching and screaming how he's been here for a year and a half and he wants his title, literally stamping and squealing like a baby "MY TITLE! MY TITLE MY TITLE!!!!!!!" Fucking baby.

Like I used to say a long while ago, if I don't return within a year, consider me dead.

Go play on my fucking Twitter Commander Halo

Feedback if you fucking want: phenomynouss@hotmail.com

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Andariel Halo is a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. She can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. She translates ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees. Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, Andy once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. Children trust her. She knows the exact location of every dairy item in the supermarket. She has performed covert operations for the CIA. She's in bed every day, but sleeps once a week, OH! The laws of physics do not apply to her. One time, she shot her friend in the back of the head with a BB gun, and placed all blame on him.