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TNA IMPACT
REPORT
(04/12/10)
by ANDARIEL HALO

GUESS WHAT! No, I'm still sick. I mean, I still cough up snot. But that's it. Speaking of snot, we got a new TWF writer recapper guy who says he's gonna do ROH. So the little snot is naturally my competition. I think his name is Zayl HamNeggs. You can't truly care, you're only here for ME~!

Speaking of feeble and failing competition, here be Jeff Jarrett to come down to the ring and say eight years ago he founded TNA, and TNA stands for "Total Nonstop Action", and not other stuff. So he's gonna kick Sting's ass right now. Sound reasoning. Jarrett wanders backstage, wanders up some stairs, up some stairs, holy hell up stairs. It's a very long set of stairs. Jarreyy ends up in the rafters, surprisingly loud and audible despite not having a microphone around.

He arbitrarily ducks when Sting appears across the way from him... like, why? I'm a better recapper than Camerob Burge! Sting somehow forgets Jarrett is up there, so Jarrett ambushes him, and helps throw him down the long long stairs, but most of it Sting just falls on his own, which is funny because he's old.

Their fighting ends up on the ramp leading down to the ring why not. Jarrett pulls off Sting's jacketses, and punchies him up so Sting can stagger about like Scott Hall in a... wrestling match of any kind. Yeah he sucks. The Taz speculates that perhaps Jeffrey Jarrett is not in a talking mood. I disagree, but hey.

Jarrett yells in his face for some reason and people chant something that sounds like "Wah sting wah!" The lights go out, and when they return... IT'S STING! OMFG IT'S STING! He has a baseball bat and whaps Jarrett in hte guts with it. Now Jeff Harvey's music plays, and like... the exact same thing they've been doing for the past month, Bail Money runs down to the rescue, onl yto do nothing, really. COPYPASTA FTW!

Backstage, Jay Bee is with Team Flair, and lots of sunglasses. Ric has things not to say, but to shriek so loud it becomes incoherent. He also says to Hogan that he hates his guts. The rest of him he is not fond of either! They at Lockdown will destroy not only Team Hogan, but Hulkamania!

Speaking of importance, James Swift smashed a beer bottle on RVD's head last week. Robert Roode said this, then says Jeff Harvey likes to fly like a little birdie, but he will never fly again.

Oh Gods, here be failure, out to destroy the American language with kindergarten rhymes and a bone condition that does not allow him to pronounce "T"'s. AJ yells something about them beating someone. I was busy trying to be epic on someone's blog. But why? Because Team Hogan will be defeated by Team Ric Flair, especially since Hoganites only numbner 3.

Oh yes, here be a rundown of TNA Lockdown again. Followed by Team 3Dicles coming out, with Bruther Ray getting on the microphone to yell that Hogan is just as pissed off at the nWo as they are, so they gonna have a six man match against them. It's a New York Street Fight falls count anywhere in the building. I know for a fact what the rules are because I'm from New York. Also, they spent some good money on Little Spike Dudley... to completely not fucking use him and substitute JESSE FAIL in his place here.

Random Commercial-area Thoughts: D

Speaking of... etcetera. There was a match that began during the commercials.

Team Dudley Boys w/ JESSE USS COLE GUY vs nWo

So it starts with everyone "wrestling" in the ring and weapons and such. And speaking of shitty cartoon-selling, Scott Hall did something horrible as he got smacked in the back by a kendu stick that can only be described as VINTAGE! What the hell does he do/think when he sells shit? Or is he just too old to not be a jackass about it? Bruther Ray follows him out of the ring to beat him with the stick.

Meanwhile in the ring, the black guy beats on Kennyt Nash and FAILURE gets beaten on by Jesse Neal. SEE WHAT I DID THAR?! Bruther Ray ends up inside to beat on FAIL while Jesse beats on Nashicles. Scott Hall wanders into the ring, STARES at Buh Buh and Jesse, then gets choked from behind by Devon. Epic work, Hall! Bruther Ray squishies a trash can on Nashicles' face, then shoulderblocks him into the turnbuckle.

People chant for tables because this match is indeed as much as I am making it sound. Scott Hall stumps about after being smacked twice with a trash can lid, then Buh Buh Ray beats on Nashley outside with the garbage can, and Hall continues to dance or whatever with Devon, then gets thrown in for Burh Buhr to scoop slam him.

Speaking of getting zero offense into this entire match thus far, the nWo is getting assloads of airtime every week. OH WOW, Mike Tenay actually repeats what I insinuated, that they got ZERO offense into this match. They bring a table into the ring because dammit... why not? The Taz says they've used everything but a kitchen sink and a lockbox, because he's brown, and thus a liar. He also steals wristwatches.

Speaking of fat pieces of shit, here be Bubba the Guy who Ejaculates into Sponges, waves his hands to distract Bruther Ray, so X-Pac can HEY YO WE DEALIN WIT DE X-FACTUH Bruther Ray through the table and pin him. JOHN CENA/MIKEY WHIPWRECK MATCH AHOY!

WINNAR: nWo

Some totally mysterious and random music plays, and clearly no one has any idea what it is until some little bald guy runs in with a baseball bat. Or no, it's a hockey stick. And it's Vince Evans. He gets on the microphone and childsmokes it up saying he needs Nashicles in the ring right now all by himself. He then totally lies in TNA fashion by saying how about they lower a cage around the ring and people cheer. So Evans completely lies out the ass by saying it will be at LOCKDOWN! YAY FOR DISAPPOINTMENT! Or not. Who wants to see Eric Evans job to Nash? Fuck. I DO~!

Random Commercial-area Thoughts: The commercials for "Kick-Ass" only remind me of a Robot Chicken sketch where the jock makes a D&D RPG character and calls him "KIIIING KICKAAASS!" That's the greatest name for a King since Edward King Gaylord.

Backstage, the redhead intarviews Hulk Hoooganite. He says he has four main event guys TOTALLY SUPER CEREAL about Lorkdown. Speaking of something or other, Hogan pulls aside a curtain and sees Eric Bischoff talking to Ric Flair. BishAWFF wanders by so Hogan ambushes him and says "what was that all about" and Bitsch is all like you're not jumping to conclusions are you? and Hogan's like let's talk IN MY OFFICE... dum dum DUM.

Speaking of dumshits and questionable delivering of fuckings, here be the Moops.

Shannon Moop vs KAAHZ w/ Busted push?

I'm in a real pickle here! See, Moop is the only guy here with an actual storyline and seemingly credible push, so a victory for him would be obvious, but KAAZ is bigger than him, so clearly this is an even match! Shannon Moop gets shoved into the turnbuckle like so many... Shannon Moops to CM Punks. Speaking of which, KAAZ looks an awful lot like CM Funk, complete with the spiffy black and yellow boots.

Dilly Gaff armwrenches KAAZ, but KAAZ catches him in a headlock and flips him over, posing smuggly, but since this isn't WWE, Moop brings him up and shoves him... but KAAZ keeps the headlock on. MIKE TENAY JUST RECEIVES WORD TONIGHT THAT THIS SUNDAY AT LOCKBOX, NwO WILL FACE TEAM 3DICLES! Meanwhile in the match, armwrenches and armlocks. You wish I was kidding.

Soon they start flippy-dooping, including an armdrag, followed by Shannon Moop with an ARMBAAAR! But since he's not a MAN OF 1004 MOVES, KAAZ soon shoves him off, but MOOP keeps on him like a green snake on a sugar cane, and an armdrag by KAAZ fails as Moop keeps clinging to him like a green snake on a sugar cane. KAAHZ everntually breaks free and irish whips him, but gets inverted Atomic Dorps, and gets a count of one fall pin so the match in fact fails to conclude.

Moop bounces off a turnbuckle to moonsault KAAZ after he chases him but now stuff happens so Moop irish whips KAAZ, KAAZ pulls the top rope down, and Shannon Elizabeth falls out of the ring. The Taz refers to dead silence as a "mixed reaction" for Kazarian. Moop gets rolled in, and Suicidal springboard legdorps, but OMFG TEH DOUGLAS appears on top of the ring and comes over to the broadcast table. KAAZ tries a suplay snap and pin on the other guy but pin gets 2. TEH DOUGLAS gets on the boardcast table to see if these imbeciles have listened to what he's said. Mike Tenay says the X Division has been a staple of TNA and has bullshit bullshit bullshit about TNA since day 1 which is bullshit.

KAAHZ does some stuff on him but pin gets 2. TEH DOUGLAS does not deny that athleticism is not in the X Division, but he's the champion. Therefore, whatever he said was true. TEH DOUGLAS, your British logic is Fffffffffffffflaaaawless. Both the wrassling ones end up down somehow. I was busy mastur...ing the English language. I'm being betterings. Dilly gets up and spinkicks and dorpkicks on KAAZ , they end up outside, KAAZ helps Shannon Elizabeth onto the apron so he can get on the top rope to flippydoo on KAAHZ.

Boy this is a long match. Spotted Dick reference dropped for no reason. KAAZ did a bridgey pin thing but it fails. KAAZ brings uop Moop to put him on the top rope thing, then kick him, then gets on him to do a top rope move which TEH DOUGLAS does not approve of. Moop budges him off, then does a spiffy moonsault on KAAZ that is very fast, and has him landing in... oh, it wasn't a moonsault but a WHISPER IN THA WIND thing. Multiple quick pinfalls, which TEH DOUGLAS correctly says the crowd is dead on their feet for, not giving a shit.

WINNAR: No one. Time limit draw.

I don't know, maybe my wrestling appreciation is dropping, but I did not think this a good X match at all. It was below average. TEH DOUGLAS mocks the little monkeys for kissing and making up. They then start chasing him up the ramp.

Speaking of big fake tits, here be Velvet Sky backstage with Jay Bee... and why is she wearing a championship belt. What the hell is that? She says she stupidly decided not to cash in her Money in th... Feast or.... Lockbox pussy challenge thing for the chumpionship, and just cashes it in for a nontitle fuckmess tonight, TO PROVE TO TNA WHO THE REAL BEAUTY IS... by having the loser stripped to her underwear. Her logic is fffffffffffffffffffflaaaaaaaaawless.

Random Commercial-area Thoughts: 32:41

When we return (and I wake up after sleeping for the night), Hulk Hogan is in the office with Eric Bischoff, and says YOU CROSSED THE LINE (wink wink namedrop), and he is angered that BishAWFF is running around like he's nuts and wants to know what's going on here. Bischoff says he is who he is and he knew what he was getting by bringing Bischoff in. Which begs the question of why Hogan even brought Bitsch?

Hogan wnats to know what Eric is doing CONNIVING with Flair! Eric is like WUT and says Team Flair has been shitkicking Team Hogan in the past weeks, so he's trying to buddy up with Flair, as in the "Keep friends close, keep enemies closer" such thing and he storms off in anger. ANGRY!

Speaking of throwing black Macho Man to the wolves, here be Black Macho Man, who has been THINKIN THINKIN etcetera. Black Macho Man offers to rename the song "Be a Man" by White MachO Man to "Be a Man, Flair", and Hogan says after LOCKDOWN, if he can find the tights, they can reform the Mega Powers, and Black Macho Man wandersoff on a search.

Off to ringside, Mike Tenay and stuff, but then backstage with Jay Bee and Angelina Love. They spoke with Velvet Sky earlier which everyone saw, and tonight ANGELINA is the opponent and the match is leather and lace. Angelina is all like her being a wrestler, she would have chosen, you know, a WRESTLING match, which is some kind of weird-ass gimmick in TNA. Angelina said she didn't come here to parade around like a lady of the night, but came to prove she's the best in Womern's Wrestling.

Old lady Tarantula comes in to be a bitch and all like "You win my title with a key?" as if she chose it. And Tarantula would apparently care more about the title than her Tarantula. They get face to face, as though about to KICK SOME ASS, which suddenly it cuts to commercial.

Random Commercial-area Thoughts:

Back, the redhead is intarviewing Chris Parks and His Holy Darkness Pope Blackadictus I "The Big Dick" D'Angelo Dinero, Esquire. The Pope notes that the question to be asked and determined is whether Pope has it or not, and after LOCKDOWN, he shall be ridin' and tokin' and something or other. Chris Parks interrupts it to Hogan it up and talk about angry match tonight against Desmond Fail and others. He says he should bring a rocket launcher to put down Chris Parks, and to put him down he will have to take his last breath. He says he will not let Hulk Hogan down.

Random Commercial-area Thoughts: Moar commercials makes me think things

Velvet Sky vs Angelina Love

This actually technically started before the commercials, but fuck you. Velvet said Angelina had to be handcuffed, then when we return from commercials, Velvet's music plays again and she wlaks down the ramp. Angelina ambnushes her right away with her feet and stompings and boots. She boots her on the turnbuckle and such, so Velvet gets Angelina's title and smacks it in her face.

Rather than continue the beating,s he gets on the microphone and says she forgot to mention this is actually an I Quit match. Velvet starts fuddling and beating on her, then uses Luv's hair to choke her. She then tries to get ehr to say I Quit but Angelina says "*gasp*... *breathe*... NOOOO!" and it sounds funny to me. Velvet keeps beating on her, then uses a riding crop, but not anally, so why bother covering it.

Velvet tries again, and Angelina repeats what she said before, complete with double breasts. Breaths. Anyway... uhh...

WINNAR: No one

The rest of the Horrible People came out to beat on her, and Tarantula comes out to beat them all off. Tarantula then unlocks the handcuffs on Angelina Love, and I have money riding on Tarantula killshitting her. Waiting is hard. Camera lingers on them both in the ring doing nothing. Angelina then holds her hand out to Tara, and she walks away. OH SNAPSZ dawgsz. I just lost money. DAMN YOUR CREATIVE TWISTS, RUSSO!

BACKSTAGE The redhead stands around with Chris Parks who is laying unconscious in the parking lot. After a commercial break, the redhead confirms he was hit by a car.

SOMEWHERE ELSE BACKSTAGE, Matthias Morganite intarviewed by Jay Bee. Jay Bee says they need to find a new tag team partner. Fool! They claim that they don't need a tag team partner. They play by the rules. So they chose Th AMAZING ROD to be their partner. As far as they are concerned, he is the best pound for pound wrestler in any division. They claim that all ROD needs to do is beat up and flippy dip on them and set them up for the Carbon Footprint. He then Mysterio's it up by holding his hand up high so Rey has to jump up to slap hands with him.

TNA World Tag Team Chumpionshits
Batistas (C) and Rey Mysterio vs Murder City Machine Gunsz

There's really no chance for them to win, is there? But let them play. Despite what they said, Morganites starts with Robot Shelley, and tosses him about, but Shellith starts kicking them up, but they clothesline him, then clothesline Sabinite, then picks up Shellith for the lazy dorp-slam thing of dropping him on top of Sabi. They then toss Shelley out and clothesline Sabin out.

Ring empties for a commercial break. When we return, they tag in AMAZING REY to get beaten up on by Sabin, and they do some flippy-dippy bullshit followed by a long tilt-a-whirl headscissors and then Shelley gets in to get kicked in the back of the head in a flippy kick thing, then dorpkicked on his back when he's on the turnbuckle.

BUT MIKE TENAY SAYS WE GOT A SURVEILLANCE VIDEO OF CHRIS PARKS BEING HIT BY A CAR. Meanwhile Chris Satan killshits Red on the outside, kicking his face off, then pinsz on him, but he pins gets 2. He then trie s asuplay but fails, then Rey plays with him, grabs the ropes, kicks his face. Shellith tries to punch him, but he punches him, then springboards and gets caught in a double team thing by the Murder Guns.

Morgans then reaches over and drags Rey Mysterio across the ring to be closer for a tag, while the referee is oddly distracted for no reason. They then get in to beat on Chris Satan, where The Taz remarks he does his VINTAGE repetitive elbows. They then get the murder guns on opposite turnbuckles and goes back and forth beating on them. They then attack the two, but they are too quick for them, and Shellith kicks his head on the apron, then jumps off the top rope and gets caught by them, but then Satan dorpkicks him down.

They doublepin attempt, but Morganite has POWERHOUSE and POWER KICKOUT and power kicks out. He then arbitrarily tags in Rod. Rod does a sunset fdlip thing on Satan, but gets kicked in the face by him. Then they do a Poetry in Motion to kick Morganates off the apron. They then beat on Rod, but Morganites comes in and clotheslines Satan dead. They then put him in a Hello Vader, but Rod does a thing on Shellith to win. Morganite is unpleased, but then forgives, and is all like giving his hand for Red to shake, then he kicks him in tha noots, and says "MY BELTS!"

WINNAR: Matthew Morgans

Excuse me, but I believe it is "OUR BELTS!" you fag. They then pull Red out of the ring, and put Red's face against the turnbuckle. They then try to Carbon Footprint him, but Chris Satan yoinks him away and runs off with him.

MEANWHILE BACKSTAGE Chris Parks has still not been ambulanced out, which is rather realistic. They will show us what happened AFTER THE BREAK.

Here it is: It's really funny because it moves slightly in slow-motion, and it shows Chris Parks essentially jaywalking. The car is like 10 feet away and he just walks into its path where it hits him. They claim to have enhanced it, so it is picture perfect quality. VIDEO ENHANCEMENT DOES NOT WORK THAT WAY! They zoom in on the driver, and it's.... who fucking knows. It looks like a ghost. Any picture you've seen of a supposed ghost, that's who is driving. It's probably a white guy with sunglasses. So it's essentially anyone on Team Flair. Or Kurt Angle. Or Ken Anderson. Or Eric Bischoff. The redhead then says we can draw our own conclusions.

WHAT? NO WE CAN'T! WE CAN'T FUCKING TELL WHO IT IS! IT COULD BE THE FUCKING MIZ FOR ALL WE KNOW! IT LOOKS MORE LIKE THE ROAD DOGG JESSE JAMES THAN ANYONE ON TEAM FLAIR!

 

WHO THE FUCK IS THAT? YOU DON'T FUCKING KNOW!

Robert Roode vs Jeff Harvey

Harvey wigs about in the ring, then Roode shoves him into the turnbuckle with a lockup. Harvey thens laps him like a bitch. Then they lockup again, and Roode gets a headlock on the Sting-looking thing. He pushes him away, but Roode clotheslines him down, then runs about and gets monkey arm dragged by Harvey. Jeff slaps him like a bitch again, and armdrags him and armbars him now.

Roode gradually gets up and grabs Jeff Harvey's hair, but he shoulderblocks him away, and irish whips and Roode fails a dorpkick as Harvey grabs the ropes. He then smooshes his legs on Roode's crotch, then tries a Twist of Fate on Roode but he slips out and exits the ring. Roode gets on the apron and guillotine's Jeff, then Harvey ends up outside, so Roode throws Harvey into the steps. Roode slowly stalks him, then gets him and throws him back in the ring.

Roode slides back in and stompies on Jeffrey Hardy. He then picks him up and scoop slams him. Roode gets on the second rope turnbuckle and knee dorps on Hardy. He then pin but gets 2. Roode knee dorps his back and upper spine area and such. He then headlocks Jeff Harvey on the mat, but since this isn't WWE and he ain't Randy Orton, Harveyt escapes. He floats over on Roode and kicks him in the face somehow.

They both on the ground, though, and Roode crawls up to his feet, and so does Harvey. They punchie on each other and such. Har ey then clotheslines him again and again and such, then front inverted suplays him. When they get up, he fails a Twist of Fate, then gets spinebustered but pin gets 2. An attempted Suplay gets reversed, and Harvey Stone Cold Stuns him. A dazed Robert Roode is down, and Harveyg ets in the corner, gets to the top rope, and James Storm comes in to get punched in the head by Harvey. Roode climbs up the rope but Harvety shoves him off.

Jeff Harvey then Kenton Bombs him and pins.

WINNAR: Jeff Harvey

James Swift attacks him and throws him in the ring, then fetches his beer, while people chant for RVD. The screen then freezes and Harvey keels over. Mike Tenay says they blew a fireball, but the screen froze and I didn't see shit. Rob Van Dam attacks him and Robert Roode attacks RVD and they brawl n fight and such.

Random Commercial-area Thoughts: You know what yer gonna do when you get out of your goddamn wheelchair, you're gonna fall you son of a bitch and I hope you do.

Jay Bee now explaining to us that the CENSORS do not allow us to see the fireball, and it is GRAPHIC, DISTURBING, NOT SUITABLE FOR ALL AGES! So I will show you something MORE graphic, MORE disturbing, MORE not suitable for all ages that you could see on NON-cable channels and is NOT censored. Hide the children.

I'm sorry, but not really.

Video package for Kurt Angle vs Neo at LOCKBOX.

Backstage, Jay Bee intarviews His Holy Blackness, as the Pope mourns that he is in a situation where he is about to walk into...

BLACK MACHISMO arrives to interruopt, and he says they take care of them together. His Holy Thoughtfulness penses, then leaves.

Random Commercial-area Thoughts: I once mispelled "enigma" as "enema" on an official form

Look, in the audience, it's Dog the Bounty Hunter. Speaking of nigger-guys, here be a match:

His Holy Darkness Pope Blackadictus I D'Angelo Dinero, Esquire and The Black Machismo Jay Lethal vs ---

Well, apparently James Swift beat the shit out of some random guy backstage, and is now beating the shit out of Black Macho Man. Robert Roode beats on him as well, but OH NOESZ Black Macho Man fighting back! He throws Swift into a giant suitcase thing, but Roode beats on him. Black Macho man gains an advantage until James Swift smashes a beer bottle over his head.

His Holy Darkness Pope Blackadictus I D'Angelo Dinero, Esquire vs TNA World Champion "The Phenomenal" AJ Styles and Fail

AJ says it looks like the black guy's black partner has a drinking problem THAT'S SO RACIST, oh he adds courtesy of Beer Money. So out comes failure, to fail miserably when Hulk Hogan smacks the shit out of him with a steel chair from behind. Menawhile, Pope Blackadictus I beats on AJ Styles on the ramp. MIKE TENAY GOT AN UPDATE FROM BACKSTAGE THAT JEFF HARVEY IS OKAY. Dude, come on. Meth lab.

So Pope Blackadictus I gets AJ in the ring eventually and they wrassle, and AJ stomps up on him and such, then picks up the Holy One, only to be smacked upside the head with a punch. Ric Flair then gets out of the wheelchair and ambushed the ring, smashing the Pope in the head with the title belt.

WINNAR: His Holy Pope Blackadictus etcetera

MEANWHIL EBeer Money appears to be the Acolytes to this Ministry of Dahkness, and they all beat up on the black guy. Now Flair racists it up by taking his belt off and whipping the black BOOOOYYY. AJ then throws him out of the ring. Hulk Hogan then appears on the top of the ramp.

Meanwhile, this Sunday is Lockdown, and they didn't give enough of a shit to tell us who the two other members of Team Hogan would be.

TNA YAY: This is getting really hard. Let's just say...

TNA BOO: Everything else. Including the totally forgetting that Team Hogan is supposed to have five members. TNA WTF:

 

Draw your own conclusions on that.

You've just been Halonic Death Ray'd, and like I say every week, if I'm not back within two or three weeks, consider me dead.

Feedback if you want: phenomynouss@hotmail.com

Andariel Halo is a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. She can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. She translates ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees. Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, Andy once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. Children trust her. She knows the exact location of every dairy item in the supermarket. She has performed covert operations for the CIA. She's in bed every day, but sleeps once a week, OH! The laws of physics do not apply to her. One time, she shot her friend in the back of the head with a BB gun, and placed all blame on him.

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TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).