TNA IMPACT RANT
April 7, 2011
So I missed last week, and was busy having a fun time doing nothing, and then I actually watched TNA LIVE (filmed 8 weeks prior) on Spike TV, and it only lasted 2 hours! Who knew? Also, I remember virtually nothing of what happened last week, yet everything of what happened every week before then. So WWE has all these GIGANTICA CHANGES coming about, including a The Rock MAIN EVENT WRESTLEMANIA ONE YEAR IN ADVANCE PLANNING and such, and TNA... who the fuck knows. Like someone said on Twitter, WWE "...can book a year in advace, while [TNA is] lucky if Russo doesn't change his mind midmatch #TNAwful"
This fool obviously doesn't realize that indecisiveness is sexy to women! Constantly changing shit keeps it exciting, especially when you decide instead of taking your girlfriend out on a fun movie date, you'll take her to the local biker club and have her gangbanged by ten meth'd-up bikers for fifty seven dollars and a bottle of beer.
Today, we see a video package of some cage match I never saw where Christopher Daniels returned to pick up some paychecks. Apparently HOGAN AND BISCHOFF wanted to see some chaos and carnage, because when your company is about to drop dead of failure, tearing shit up is a great way to speed that shit up. Couldn't even afford the actual "Lux Aeterna" and had to use some shitty knockoff.
To contrast from the past several months, we open with FOURTUNE coming out! This time lead by Christopher Daniels, looking like a fag all shaved and wearing eyeliner. They're still just calling him "Daniels".
He gets there on the microphone first, and says he appreciate the welcome he got, but when he look back at his relationship with TNA, it's been a little rocky hurrdurr. He been in and out so many times, he feels like there's a revolving door with his name on it. FANTASTIC way to follow-up on your mighty return last week taking out the fat trash with a big-ass top-of-the-cage body press! But ey, he in the wrestling business, and there's one thing more important to him than the business, and it's the friendships that he made. Eight years ago, he made a friendship with AJ Styles, and that's why he tried to kill the shit out of him on those times like that X Division main event PPV match in 2005. Remember that? TNA doesn't.
They made a promise to watch each others backs, and Daniels Daniels was watching TNA when he saw BULLY RAY DEADLY deadly bomb AJ onto the DEADLY cardboard pile atop a table. So his loyalty and devotion to AJ Styles he will vicariously offer to the rest of FOURTUNE and such. He begging them to let him be the fourth man in LETHAL LOCKDOWN. When's that? Next week? Fifty seven bucks on next week. Funny story; I actually looked it up and it IS next week.
Because that was too much time free of trash, the trash comes out! Except without Bischoff and Hogan. Shenanigans. Why are these people even feuding anymore? I've forgotten. Just like TNA. I'm sick of Ric Flair right now. He say unfortunately he thinks this has gone on too long. We're past the point of no return, us right here, but for god God if I'm God of wrestling, I don't even know who you are! You say you've been coming and going, coming and going where? You see this hall of fame ring from WWE, the only company that matters a damn until ROH gets a national TV deal, you see this? Who are you? STOP SHOOTING, FLIEHR~!
He fly in out of nowhere, and wants to represent these guys? These guys are world champions, who the hell are you? Holy fuck Flair is burying his ass. He's even putting over FOURTUNE, saying he loves and respects them despite siding with AJ. Burial on Daniels-san. Flair will give him an opportunity to dig his own self out of that hole he got buried in and walk out of TNA forever, because at Lethal Lockdown, someone not in Immortal is gonna get hurt.
Daniels Daniels tells him to take that offer and stick it up his ass. NO one wants to be in that match, but Chris Daniels wants to be in it a little bit more than everyone else, PAL. We ain't pals, Flair coldly remarks, and tells Daniels to take his fly-by-night ass out and leave. Daniels Daniels says you may not want him there, and Hogan and Bischoff may not want him there, but the NETWORK (rip Sidey Lumet) wants him here. So then who the fuck owns TNA and makes the fucking decisions? Ratings ain't doing shit with or without Daniels or anyone else, so why the fuck should Hogan and Bischoff let the NETWORK tell them who to fucking hire?
This is what happens when your company is too fucking awesome for its own good.
Speaking of scum of the wrestling business, out comes Hogan and Bischoff! Hogan says WE LOVE THE NETWORK and we wanna see you on TV and if the NETWORK wants you to have a contract, Bischoff will give you a contract , and he would LOVE to see him in the ring at Lockdown with his three stooges in there. Meanwhile, tonight, SUPERHERO DANIELS will have to make his way through BULLY Ray tonight. And I'm pretty sure Hogan just called him the "fattest man" on this planet right there. Takes some balls saying that with Matt Hardy and Abyss flanking him.
BUL:LY Ray says he crippled AJ and such, and he will put Christopher Daniels in a bed right next to him. He's thu biggest, baddest motha effuh on the block. He tells him to Go to California, put some more mascara on, paint his finguhnails black, maybe even a little bit of lipstick, and go watch Oprah. Daniels Daniels says if I were you, I wouldn't worry about the mas---- Oh my god, his fingernails really ARE painted black. Fucking fagemo. They start to beat up on the four of them, and Hogan gets security down there to do nothing. So Jarrett is not part of Immortal anymore? Angle and The Amazing Crimson and Scott Steiner aren't opposing Immortal anymore?
Backstage, a neo-Nazi sets up a laptop and sits backstage somewhere, and opens up a letter addressed to Kenny. Last week was just the trailer, this week it's SHOWTIME! Your friend, Stinger. White supremacist wishes he would've sent him some flowers. White flowers.
Random Commercial-area Thoughts: 9/11 Robert Pattinson is 9/11 in "Remember Me" with 9/11 as the surprise twist ending of 9/11
Hogan is backstage and he is TIRED of the NETWORK trumping them each and every week! And they're always right on top of them ahead of them! He smells a rat. I smell someone with no comprehension of how the television business works. Apparently they're thinking like a wrestler and acting like a wrestler. A netywork that runs a wrestling company treating it like they do as a wrestler? I'm not even sure what that's supposed to mean. I don't undertstand this NETWORK feud thing. Speaking of chicanos, meng
Hernandez and Anarchia vs EV2.0
That's what their fucking entrance video says. You fucking serious? Damn fucking yes I am. They're totally still marketable that they're put in this match with zero build and zero interest at all! ECW GUISE take control of it with punching and hitting and such. Anarchia and Tommy play some, Tommy scoop slams, and CUTAWAY shows the spanish commentators commentating! Devon and Tommy Dreamer do that WAZ UP thing, and Hernandez pops Tommy some, and everyone brawls. Devon in the ring alone with Hernandez when ROSITA comes in, and due to Spike TV apparently considering men hitting women to be wrong, Devon decides to forcibly kiss her instead! TOTALLY not even close. Commentators even laugh about this rape. Anarchia avenges this rape with a steel chair hit to Devon's back and Hernandez pinwins.
WINNAR: Mexican Americans
I'm tired of them already, but they keep around, with the females pulling away the padding so Hernandez and the other guy can throw them on the concrete and such. But first, BORDER TOSS by Hernandez off the top rope but NOESZ Matt Morgan comes from total obscurity to save them. What's he been doing this past month? Wasn't he feuding with Immortal too? Wasn't Hernandez an honorary IMMORTAL too? This is what happens when you're too stupid to even keep a 1999 nWo group intact for more than a few fucking weeks.
Random Commercial-area Thoughts: AOW shit, Tough Enough rerun is on now and I have to watch it now.
Backstage, Winter bitches at her Angelina Love doll (hurrdurr) because apparently she agreed to be Velvet Sky's tag team partner tonight. ... bububu, how? She's a fucking zombie. I'm pretty sure that agreement went like this:
Winter is a terrible actor. Caprica Six she ain't. To an even lesser degree. She's STILL a fucking zombie, and Winter helps her drink her drink. Norman Bates you ain't either, bitch.
Speaking of bitches
Samoa Joe vs Some Jobber
Pope D'Angelo Dinero comes out first to join at commentary with an arena-wide microphone. Joe ignores the jobber and exits the ring, but then gets back in so the jobber can pound on him. Commentators say his name is "Murphy". I've never seen this fucknut ever. Joe clotheslines him down, then knees him some, throws him down and Cock-in-a-clutch.
WINNAR: Samoa Joe
Joe then goes after Pope now, and Pope decides to go, because he doesn't like TNA's nonstop backstage brawling too.
Meanwhile elsewhere backstage, the neo-Nazi is wandering around while being asked questions by the camera douche. ANOTHER "Kenny" letter waiting for him in the coffee area. "Once an asshole, always an asshole. Tonight let's finish what we started. Sincerely, Sting" Neo Nazi is pissed by this bullshit, and so am I. He says he don't like love notes. Gods help me because I thought that was a great thing to smug.
Random Commercial-area Thoughts: Watrching Tough Enough while I recap. I twitter some of my thoughts on it. You go watch and follow.
TNA Knockouts Tag Team Championships
Rosita and Sarita (C) vs The Beautiful People
Velvet Sky comes out alone, then goes back to drag Zombie Love with her. She can at least move on her own apparently, unlike many a-woman Sean Carless has bedded. Bang. Velvet Sky fights witht he Mexicans on her own some, and hits a bulldog on Rosita, then some knees to her face, and a running clothesline down on her. She then reaches out to tag in Zombie Angelina Love, but she's a zombie. Winter then comes out, screaming down the ring or something, and Zombie Angelina turns around. Winter makes a breaky-gesture and Angelina Love guillotines Velvet, then goes in to punch her. This blows. This whole storyline idea thing blows horribly and disturbingly. Much like many a-woman Scarless has bedded.
WINNAR: Sarita and Rosita and Juanita and Jaquita
Backstage, the neo-Nazi frat boy is wandering around backstage braying like a donkey "STINGER STINGER STINGERRRRR" and such, when Eric Young and Orlando Jordan randomly standing around. Just going to show that ERIC FUCKING YOUNG is smarter than Ken Anderson, he says MAYBE you can find Sting GASP IN THE RAFTERS! WOOOOOWWWWW!!!
Something's seriously wrong with the Nü-Stone Cold babyface of your company is outsmarted by the company Eugene.
Also, Orlando Jordan is REALLY in to the whole "asshole" thing. YEEEAAH! YEEEAHH BABY! THEY WENT THERE! YEEEAAHH THEY WENT THERE, MOTHERFUCKER.
Random Commercial-area Thoughts: I've spent half an hour just trying to think of something, no exaggeration.
When we return, Dumbass is in the rafters looking for Sting, because he's a moron and a cretin. Cameraguy is also with him, hence why we're even seeing all this. Sting then comes up IN FRONT of the cameraguy BEHIND Anderson Anderson Anderson Anderson and the CAMERAGUY says and does buttfuck nothing, because he's a truly stand-up, goodhearted person, and Anderson turns around and... OH NOESZ It's RVD in a trenchcoat, punching up on Anderson! Hey Kenny, you know what time it is? It's 420 buddy, that means you're about to get smoked! HAHAAAAA a catchphrase for Rob Van Dam just as awful a ratings-scare as the excessive use of ASSHOLE.
Rob Van shows Kenny "hurt", including putting him in a triangle hold submission thing. Or maybe it's a dragon sleeper. Or a headscissor thing. Is that it? Is that what he brought to face Stinger? The guy who killed the shit out of Rob Van Dam when he first debuted?
Random Commercial-area Thoughts: "Wow, there's Bill DeMott, too! Hugh Morrus! Hugh G. Rection!
Video thingy of Anderson Anderson and the whole debacle with the championship stuff. It says how Anderson tried to be nice, and it didn't get him anywhere. So he's an asshole. And he's still nowhere. Time to give it up, kid.
Sting then comes out, because wrestling sucks and we need more jibbering and bullshit. Sting is having such a good night, he's gonna ask Rob Van Dam to come out here. Rob Van Dam comes out here, and Sting says he came back just to deal with Hogan, but he and ROb Van don't see eye to eye since March 2010. Hurrdurr because Sting was being a fuckwit who wouldn't tell anyone what Hogan was planning, and then fuckshit fucked Rob Van with a baseball bat as a warning. To who? Who knows. Why? Fuck all. ROB VAN DAM THEN ACTUALLY REMINDS US OF THIS! He has flashbacks (whoaaa) of like a thousand baseball bats hitting him.
Sting gives an insincere apology, then DEMANDS THAT RVD APOLOGIZE TO HIM for pretending to be Sting in order to beat up Anderson.
RVD ignores his bullshit and says he is prepared to deal with Sting and respects him and all. Respeeeeeeeeec. Things doth hath changeth when Robbie V was curtainjerking for Sting main-evented TNA events. I mean WCW. Hard to tell them apart. Nowadays, he's not a bit of the show, he's the WHOLE fucking show. Speaking of WCW, here comes Bischoff and Hogan again.
Hogan LOVES Rob Van Dam's attitude, and I'm a bit torn, because I LOVE his new attitude too. Maybe if he had that attitude in WWE, he'd be world champion more often and not wallow in mediocrity now. So Hogan gonna make RVD vs Sting tonight.
Backstage, Tara is pissed with Madison and threatens to leave, because she's apparently gotten insane or something. WHY ARE YUOU HERE RIGHT NOW TARA: BECAUSE I BROUGHT YOU HERE! Do you wanna go back to scrubbing toilets for a living? If by "scrubbing" you mean "wrestling" and by "toilets" you mean "in sold out arena of tens of thousands of people" then CLEARLY Tara does NOT want to be scrubbing toilets when she can be paid 60 bucks a night wrestling in front of 50 drunk fans for a critically shit-upon TV show only on the air by default (there's nothing else to compete with WWE).
Random Commercial-area Thoughts: Scott Hall's drunk again.
ijyit Apparently Anderson Anderson doth hath recovered from being made a retard of, so he's wandering around backstage vandalizing shit by shoving pictures up and letting them break on the floor. Someone arrest him. Speaking of Jersey and jobbing;
THOSE GUYS and Robbie E w/ Jobber non-entrance vs The Brian Kendrick and Chris Sabin and Teen Idol SUICIDE
Way to keep the gunnaz off TV long enough to become irrelevant again. VINTAGE TNA! Even better; apparently Fucking Mike Tenay tells us, in an off-hand comment, that the Gunnaz are gonna break up so they can focus on singles combat in the X division. Like getting shafted from Superstars to NXT. Robbie E starts with an arm wrench on Sabin, and he flips around, and flips it around on him. Headlock, then Robbie E reverses and headlocks, and then gets chucked off, and Robbie E pops him down, then runs across the ropes, and gets kind of weirdly monkey tossed a bunch. Suizide tagged in and they double team on him some before Sabin leaves.
Suicide then does some kind of move, and pin gets 2. Irish whip into a corner and Suicide clotheslines then punches him up some. Then a headbutt on him. The Taz remarks how being headbutted by a guy with a mask is always dangerous, as you don't know what he has udner there, HE COULD HAVE KEVLAR ON HIS FOREHEAD! This I agree with, and I'm retarded. Max Fuck is tagged in and he dorpkicks Suicide's kevlar head, and then Jeff Fuck tags in, and double axe handles off the top rope onto Suicide. Max then tags back in, and armwrenches Suizide. Max then tags in Robbie V and he picks up Suicide, irish whip, and he runs to flying generic shoulder thrust him, then some stomps.
Matt Buck gets tagged in now, but Suicide grabs him and running snapmare's him into the opposing turnbuckle. The Brian Kendrick in now to dropkick people a bunch. He then gets backrolled by Matt for a NO count coz he slipped off of his ass. Back and forthy stuff and Brian Kendrick beats on him. Alex Sabin then slingshot crossbodies with Suicide onto Robbie and such. Jeff Fuck gets in and kicks The Brian, then goes for the top rope, but Matt Fuck is like NO and crotches him, then yells in his face all WHAT ARE YOO DOOING and then positions him for a hangman DDT thing. Matt Fuck lets the Guru Sonjay Dutt pinwin. I mean... fuck. See, because he has that stupid guttural drone in his music like he's a yoga master.
WINNAR: Suicide, Chris Sabin, The Brian Kendrick, the TNA singles division
MORE BACKSTAGE BULLSHIT! Hulk Hogan bitches at IMMORTAL, saying that Big Roid Terry and the other guy have embarassed themselves and IMMORTAL. HJogan then orders the other NWA GUY to smack them, and he does, and they get escorted. Anderson Anderson then comes in, drops the pipe, says calmly "I'm tired of getting beat up every week" and he wants to talk to Hogan. TO TALK. LIKE AN ADULT. DERP DERP HERBERP. This is a real breakthrough for Anderson. They then leave, with Hogan like... rubbing his hands and going HA HA HA HA like a Hamburglar goon.
Speaking of criminal, Tarantula and Madison Rayne decided to go and DRIVEBY Mickie James. Then they leave.
Random Commercial-area Thoughts: Fuck rehab, Jeff Hardy's got mountain biking!
Recap of what just happened, and you KNOW it's serious because AL SNOW AND D'LO BROWN HAVE ARRIVED! Oh Snow. And you were in the Stone Cold role when Tough Enough was new. Now you have TRULY reached the top; NAMED SECURTITY BACKSTAGE GUY! You and D'Lo Brown. I smell failu---TNA tag team champions@!
BULLY Ray vs Christopher Daniels
jdffsifjhsfj. Set a bet; will TNA bury one of their most original originals for the sake of a fat, sloppy ex-WWE hasbeen? With this match we will see, ALL of us, and not me because I'll be drinking. Peppermint schnapps. It is very tasty. I once knew a guy, he drank peppermint schnapps and pizza. And he could wrestle better than John Cena. And he let us watch "Caligula" when we were like 15. That was great. He also taught me how to dodge and how to insult people for being pimplefaced cocksuckers.
Is BULLY Ray anything like him? Of course not; he wasn't fat like him. And he didn't clothesline like him either. I'm pretty sure he never even knew who the hell Buh Buh Ray Dudley was. I'm pretty sure he never even watched wrestling, either. But he DID watch Tough Enough, seasons 1 - 2, and he correctly predicted the winnars, EVEN in season 2 when it was both females who won. "But there has to be one female and one male to win" I said, and he smacked me upside the head and said "YOU DON'T FUCKING talk that shit to me, little baby. You don't mean shit to me and you don't know shit." Then I think he tried to put his hand down my pants. But haha, I wasn't wearing pants. Thwarted him again!
WINNAR: BULLY Ray
Oh that's right. TNA went there. At least he didn't win clean but had Hogan SHENANIGANS to lose him the match.
Random Commercial-area Thoughts: What the fuck is a Jonah Hex
JEFF JARRETT comes out to bore us with his vanilla mediocrity. He had a steel cage put out on the ring just for this bullshit. Apparently shenanigans hapopened last week where the police arrested someone stupid and rapey for violating a restraining order. Jarrett say 10 days from now, it could have been ANOTHER Kurt vs Jeff match worst of infinity despite Kurt sort of leaving his boots in the ring and such. Jeff says they won't let the kids visit him in prison to subject them to the THUG LIFE that he lives. Kurt Angle soon rappels down on Suicide's thing, and Jarrett plays chickenshit-heel and I get tired. Before anything can happen, Jarrett outruns Kurt in climbing out of the cage and running away with Karen Jarrett. WHY THE FUCK IS KURT STILL HARASSING THEM?
Random Commercial-area Thoughts: Who the fuck recapped last week?
Backstage, Kurt says NO he did not go to jail. Because the Jarretts were so STUPID as to make a fradulent call WHILE BEING FILMED ON A TELEVISION PROGRAM, the police SAW this, and LET HIM GO. It's lovely to see people get their comeuppance for being so stupid.
Rob Van Dam vs Sting
Do you comprehend, people who went to college (all two of you) reading this recap, when you were forced to take five or six courses in a single day? Do you comprehend the heavy workload you had in those first three classes? And then the final class of the day was one of those where you could read the book, do the tests, and pass with an A. The class before that was harder, but relatively similar. Writing was not an issue, comprehension was not an issue. Sometimes the class before that would be MORE difficult. A writing/reading class perhaps, one going towards your major.
One week you're tired. Just tired. So you skip that last class. And nothing happens. The teacher doesn't notice. Doesn't care. There's 200 people in the class, who the fuck are you? It's not relevant to your major or your minor, just an elective. So you skip the next time too. But now I'm getting lazy, and so I skip the class before that, too. No big deal. I make a deal with myself to attend the next class. But I've all but given up on that last class now.
Then comes one day, where I find myself fetching a coin, and finding a secluded area to flip it... if it's heads, I go home, if it;'s tails, I stay and go to my last two classes. It's tails, I get frustrated, say it's a faulty flip because I could feel Washington's head in my palm. So I do a best of three. Still tails wins, so I go to class. It's a good idea to do so, as well; I finish all my reading assignments for my other classes in-class. To fuck with them, it's the period I spend doing my homework for all my REAL classes!
Then comes a point months later, where you find that you've just been skipping your last two classes constantly, barely make it out of your SECOND class of the day, and consider it a privilege to the third or fourth class if you were to attend. This, smelly people, is my story of college at this university I go to, and it's my story with TNA recapping now. There's not even ten minutes left, and the main event starts, but I've checked out long before Hogan started speaking for the last time.
WINNAR: Rob Van Dam
If it helps you any, the match was only two minutes long anyway. Not even joking. Afterwards, Big Roid and the other guy carry Anderson on their shoulders and celebrate after he beats up Rob Van Dam and such. HURRDURR OH NOESZ Anderson done joined Immortal. Fuck no. You serious? Of course not. He pops Big Roid with the pipe and Mic Checks Murphy. Then he Mic Checks Big Roid. Considering that he wanted Hogan's help to STOP getting beaten up, and this only gets him SPECIAL GUEST REFEREE in a 2-minute long match, and then he backs out on the deal VIOLENTLY... put this idiot in a nursing home, because he's a danger to everyone not so sick in the head they need to be institutionalized.
TNA YAY: I was fantastic this week. I was just fucking fantastic.
TNA BOO: TNA is terrible.
TNA WTF: Ken Anderson, shilled as the generic loner badass of the company, is instead portrayed as being genuinely unintelligent, gullible, naive, with virtually no coherent judgement or social skills.
Go play on my fucking Twitter Commander Halo
Feedback if you fucking want: firstname.lastname@example.org
Andariel Halo is a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. She can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. She translates ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees. Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, Andy once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. Children trust her. She knows the exact location of every dairy item in the supermarket. She has performed covert operations for the CIA. She's in bed every day, but sleeps once a week, OH! The laws of physics do not apply to her. One time, she shot her friend in the back of the head with a BB gun, and placed all blame on him.
THE TWF "MENTAL WELLNESS TEST!"
With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).