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TNA IMPACT
REPORT
(04/05/10)
by ANDARIEL HALO

Hi. I'm sick. I'd have brought it to you yesterday, but yesterday was a schoolday, and I decided to stay the whole class period, so...

Let's just say I didn't do it because I was sick, instead of trying to justify laziness and vindictiveness to readers who don't give feedback.

So time for the show that's too For Real for 9pm on Mondays, TNA iMPACT!

Video recap of stuff from last week and more, complete with OVERLY DRAMATIC MOVIE TRAILER VIOLIN-Y MUSIC!

When we come back, the redhead announces tonight to be the FIRST EVAR Knockout LOCKBOX SHOWDOWN!

When a pinfall or submission occurs, both participants of a tag team is out of the match, and the winner gets a key for some kind of lockbox out of four, one has Tarantula's Tarantula, one has a contract for a match of their choice against an opponent of their choice, one making them walk around the ring in their bra and panties, the other has the TNA Knockout t

Look, it's a fucking Feast or Fired, only no one gets fired, and it gets a fucking stupid name.

The Horrible People come around, and say they want to win Tara's tarantula... so they can crush it. Because that means more to them than winning the title. Then they say they'll win the title... I don't think they understand how this match goes.

Lacey von Erich, proving my previous statement as well as her own apparent stupidity, says she can't wait to parade around in her bra and panties. WHOEVER WINS, WE LOSE TEN MINUTES OF OUR LIVES WATCHING THIS SHIT! YAY RUSSO!

nWo music playsd, and out comes Hulk Hogan and Jeff Jarreyy and Chris Parks. You could be masturbating right now, yet why do you read/watch this? BECAUSE IT'S AWESOME AND I'M AWESOME AS WELL! THAT'S WHY! You know what, go on masturbating! You know you will.

You know something guise, says Hogan---he thinks they got some whorespower behind Team Hogan. Horse. Horsepower. When the lights are off, it's the same thing. He says how the way it goes, Flair has shown his true colors again and again. Tat doesn't really make sense. He says if he wants to ru n with the big dogs, he needs to beat Team Hogan. Chris Parks then says stuff. At Lockdown, in that Lethal Lockdown match, when they lower the top of that cage and lock them in like a bunch of caged animals with weapons strewn everywhere, then and only then will you truly realize the definition of PAIN and SUFFERING. WATCHING THAT MATCH! HAHA! I'm sick, give it a rest.

It makes no difference, they say, what members of Team Flair it is cos at Lockdown it's gonna be Chris Parks an Jeff Jarrett and people so important they get called "the rest of Team Hogan", and after a "KICK. YOUR. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAASS." out comes Ric Flair to his needlessly genericized music. With him be Baer Money, Stink, and Failure. Ric Flair gets on the microphone to say he is about to speak, so shut up. Too late, there. He then says Hogan's got to be kidding him, as his team is... Jeff Jarrett and Chris Parks.

Ric Flair then starts with Fail. Why? Then he says the badass cowboys they call 'em Beer Money, and then, thenthen (his words), there is the Wrestling Icon, STING. There is more history between that icon and this icon (String and Flair) than there is in the entire wrestling world. Jee, thanks for totally ignoring the rest of your team.

He then brings Chelsea up to hold her hand and say all like he has to tell them something; he has HIS hall of fame ring, cos he is the hall of fame. He looks kind of like the "After" version of Kenny Rogers in the "Before" and "After" plastic surgery thing. Holy hell, his eyebrows are almost completely gone. Hulk Hogan says WE GOT A FULL TEAM (they only have two) and THEY'RE GONNA FIND OUT WHO THIS TEAM (rest of them) IS WHEN THE TIME IS RIGHT (meaning not now, because they have to fetch some shovels to dig up all the width="630"lers they buried 60 feet under).

Ric Flair says "don't say it, play it" and they start slowly advancing to the ring. Jarrett's like "Hold awn" and says Sting should enter the ring wtihout his back and answer just one question, FRIEND TO FRIEND! I don't think it works that way. He corrects himself with "Or is it Foe?"

Despite getting in the ring without the bat, Jarrett proceeds to not ask a question but ramble like an old man. Now comes the question: Wa Nayoh? WAH NAYOH has th dark saad come atta yew? Jarrett then says he may not deserve an answer, but these people in the iMPACT Zone, they damn sure deserve an answer! SO ONE MORE TIME: WAH NAYOH?!

In a physical display of "Why the fuck not now?" Sting Scorpion Death Drops him. The Team Flair beat up on the good guys, with Hogan inexplicably holding onto the turnbuckle and doing nothing. Jeff Harvey's music then comes up, and HILARIOUSLY they come in through the crowd, and are literally being held up by an old woman walking down the ramp.

Eventually they reach the ring, and for some odd reason, the camera cuts away TWICE to a high-angle shot of the empty arena, presumably from earliar tonight before everyone entered. Meh. Mike Tenay said something about a match, but I wasn't really listening cos I'm sick.

Random Commercial-area Thoughts: D

When we return... we're int he middle of a match.

Rob Van Dam vs James Storm

Tenay lies and says the opening bell rang seconds ago. Rob Van Dammit all rolls through and monkey flips him NOT all the way across the ring as Tenay lies and thousands die. Someone in the front row has a shirt that says "got EXP????" I get my laughs where I do, I'm sick, give it a rest.

RVD kicks Storm out of the ring against the turnbuckle, then taunts for extra momentum, then goes for a baseball slide, but James Swift grabs his legs and flung him into the metal barricade. He then OMFG STEALS RVD's taunt, for EXTRA BONUS MOMENTUM BOOST and saves his special into a siganature move. RVD recovers enough to shoulderblock him on the apron when he enters the ring, but Storm catches him and DDTs his face, tthen nonchalantly covers with a back-bend bridge thing. RVD rolls over all strung-out looking and Storm picks him up for a suplex.

Mike Tenay, meanwhile, reminds the viewers to please pick up the phone and let their friends know TNA is starting at 8pm. Hawhawz. James Swift gets behind Rob Van Damn now and puts a chinlock thing on him but since he's not Randy Orton, RVD lifts up and knocks out of it, then catches Storm in a side-swinding schoolboy thing when running. He then spinkicks and they both go down to be counted for a double countout attempt by the refereesz.

I say "attempt" because in fact, a count to 10 is required, yet bothc ompetitors rise before the 10 count is reached. They then exchange punches, because they are so polite, but RVD being the pothead or whatever, gives him a jumping spinkick thing, then runs at him for a clothesline, then a Rolling Thunder, and pinfalls gets 2.

Van Dam wanders abnout, then gets to Storm and grabs his hair, but Storm smacks him away and ENZUIGIRIS him. He then picks him up for a Crucifix thing which is an "Eye of the Storm" he calls. He pins but gets 2. Rob Van Dam now in Dire Straits, and yet he manages to irish whip him into a turnbuckle, but Storm elbows him when he charegs, but Rob Van Dam manages to front slam him, and does a splitlegged moonsault and pinsfalls.

WINNAR: Rob Van Dam

OH NO SHENANIFANS DEOM BHIND Rob Van Dam gets smacked with a beer bottle by James Swift and it's all shattere and beer urrrvrywhere. They get pre-blooded towels for him to wipe at his head, and oh noesz, securitrah omes to hold back James Swift while Rob Van Dam is all there on the floor.

Random Commercial-area Thoughts: "Memento" taught me that a perfectly acceptable way to answer the phone is to scream "WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU?!"

When we come back, Jeff Harvey attacks James Swift from behind, and in typical TNA fashion, the security guards completely ignore this. Harvey then goes to check on RVD, but OMFG Robert Roode appears through the crowd and ambushes Harvey from behind with a spinebuster, which TNA security does NOT ignore.

BACKSTAGE the redhead intarviews females participating in the... lockbox. Good God Tara looks like some kind of monster with Cheap Prostitute Makeup. She says she's going to pin somebody's ass, and apparently only cares about her gimmick instead of her championship. Angelina Love then basically threatens her by saying she's going to be leavbing with the title belt, and Tarantuila's like if that's the way you wanna roll, let's roll.

ODB says she doesn't care about the Knockedup title, so she's going after the contract so she can wrestle AJ Booty BOOOM! Hamada says something Japanese and the redhead says "what she said". I concur, in some way.

TNA Global Championship
Homicide w/ Inexplicable face-turn vs Big Roid Terry w/ New Smackdown vs Raw 2009 nickname "The Freak" (C)

The fuck you think.

WINNAR: Silly negro, you're small and brown, you cannot defeat MIGHTY WHITEY Big Roid! What the fuck you think this is, Ring of Honor or TNA before 2007? Faggot. Speaking of faggotry, Homicide smacks Big Roid with a chair, and because he's MIGHTY WHITEY, it has NO EFFECT OMFG! Silly brown man! He hits him in the head and Big Roid just knocks his ass down while blood drips down his face.

Suddenly some scary music plays, and OMFG it's black Leonid the Magnificent, spraying some white cream on his chest... and in his mouth. Subtlty? Never heard of it.

Random Commercial-area Thoughts: "Memento" also taught me that a perfectly acceptable way to greet someone sitting in your passenger seat in a car that you forgot was there is to scream "WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU?!"

Al Gore's Lockbox Feast or Fired Rename Challenge

Faces vs Heels

Jesus, are there even any other Knockouts but these eight? It just feels kind of... small. The Taz has a stroke-off while watching the Horrible People's entrance. He also says Hamada's comments definitely summed up the match best.

In true TNA style, the rules of the match are displayed on the bottom of the screen. It's an elimination tag team match, once a pinfall occurs, both knockouts eliminated, winner receives key to open one of the four lockboxes.

I should clarify---they didn't say this AT ALL but considering they didn't say there would be four teams of two, I figure that when someone pins someone, the person who pins is eliminated, along with the person who got pinned, but hte person who pinned gets a key.

You know what, fuck this. I'm sick, motherfucker, I can't keep track of this. Well, I can, because I'm not a fucking retard (not looking at you, previous TNA recappers =D) I just don't care.

WINNAR 1: Tarantula

Random Commercial-area Thoughts: I get the feeling you may be a pedophile if you find the girl from "Kick-Ass" playing Hit Girl to be sexy.

During the commercial break,

WINNAR 2: Daffney

Fucking TNA. She pinned Hamada. Meanwhile in the ring, Velvet Sky is choking up ODB, and ODB starts punching her up and runs at her for a Tit Slam, and it hits, and she shoves her down then after running at her. She irish whips her, then catches her in a Fallaway Slam, then kip ups, and gets a full momentum bar for a special, but saves it for a Siganature move so she can pin but gets 2. Velvet Sky takes control somehow and DDTs her and pins.

WINNAR 3: Velvet Sky

Now it's Lacey von Erich versus Angelina Love, and Love runs at her and clotheslines, then punchies her up, then kicks her and irish whips her and runs at Lacey who lazily raises a boot to boot her, then she gets up to do a spiffy moonsault... except she lands on her legs, and keels over, perhaps in pain. Angelina Love then does an inverted Rock Bottom, and pins.

WINNAR 4: Angelina Love

Because that was just TOO intensive actiony, you will only see these unlocked later tonight.... which they then show us the four boxes backstage, ALREADY OPENED AND SHOWING THEIR CONTENTS. Oy...

Tonight, we get this, which would be more exciting if one of the competitors could actually wrestle. And in typical TNA fashion, it's a "Key on a Pole/Ladder Match!" this time ladder.

Kurt Angle vs The One Billy Gunn... Anderson

There was a commercial break to start us off, but I hate interrupting my match titles with that. Also, the key in question has a big block of wood attached to it with "CAGE KEY" sloppily painted onto it. You could certainly write shit better than this. It starts with Angle failing an Olympic Slam and The One going out to fetsh a ladder. Neo set up the ladder against the ropes and suplays Angle onto the ladder. He then props it up against a turnbuckle, and gets Angle to throw him at it, but Angle reverses and Belly to Belly Suplexes him into it and breaks it.

Despite it being bent up, Angle props the ladder up anyway, and Neo runs at him to knock the ladder into his face. He then picks up the ladder and props it up, and The Taz kindly reminds us that this is not indeed ballet. I feel insulted. Kennedy Kennedy grabs th ekey and just holds onto it so Angle can grab him and Olympic Slam him off the ladder. He then stomps Kennedy out of the ring, and goes over to the ladder to re-position it needlessly, and slowly climb up it, stalling a lot and finally within reach, but OMFG THE ONE BILLY GUNN has arrived and pushes the ladder away, with Kurtle falling out of the ring.

The camera randomly clips away to that same dark arena shot from before, and they do a really ____y job of censoring the crowd going HOLY SHIT which involves muting the sound when they say shit, causing the voices of the commentators to become pockmarked with holes. Anderson Anderson Anderson gets on the ladder and sort of pulls himself up it, but it wobbles a lot cos it's broken, and it looks like it's veering to one side, and Neo gets it and tries to unhook it but Angle dorpkicks the ladder and knocks Neo off.

Angle then gets hold of the ladder, daggling about and grabbing at his ribs and such. He then lays Anderson Anderson on the ladder and punchies at him. Then, desipte holding his guts in pain, gets onto the top rope eventually, and moonsaults onto him.

Bert Angle is in great pain now, holding his ribs, while holy shit he got HUGE height on his moonsault. He got EXP, nigrow. He then tosses Neo into the turnbuckle corner, and grabs the ladder to set it up and slowly prop it up. Neo then somehow gets ahold of the WARRIAH medal and uses it to choke Angle off the ladder, but Angle still reaches out for the cage key, tugging on it, but loses his grip and falls off. The One then gets it for himself.

WINNAR: Kennedy Kennedy

Kennedy then gets the microphone to breathe heavily into it, and says he has a bottle of bubbly to celebrate his victory NOT HERE but at Lockdown because he just secured that. He then informs us of his name.

Backstage Jay Bee goes to Hulk Hogan to complain about Eric Bischoff. What are Hogan's comments? What happens between he and Eric stays between he and Eric, and he's not gonna talk about their bidness in this open forum. Meanwhile, here be BUBBA THE PERSON to make fun of Jay Bee and send him away. Hogan doesn't get it; he brings Bubba in, misses a coupel beats, and now Bubbah's running with these guys. Hogan's like forget the friendship, this is business, this is wrestling, he's making the choice to run with the wrong crowd he's gonna get in trouble. Bubba says he's having fun, therefore fuck you Hogan. Something like that.

HERE BE BLACK MACHO MAN FOR MOOD WHIPLASH to apologize to Hogan for things Randy Savage did, and he's off to find tights for the Mega Powers.

Also, look who just arrived; the nWo, with Bubba the Love thing here with them!

Random Commercial-area Thoughts: The worst part about Law and Order CI to me is that they show you who the criminal is practically right away, so there's never any mystery.

Backstage, the redhead intarviews Matt Morganite, ONE HALF of the TNA Tag Team Chumpionships, but he says WE are the tag team chimpionships, and WE almost lost the titles due to Hernando, and due to unfortunate accident involving being headcrashed by a Carbon footprint, WE shall be the TNA Tag Team Champion and not Hernando. You're looking at us: Matt Morgan. We will continue to defend these tag team titles. Redhead is confused, because Mroganite is alone... his response is "Yes we are". Good luck, he says, for next week you will have to defend the titles against one of these two teams wrestling now. We look forward to it, they say.

Motor City Machine Gunnaz vs Team 3Dicles

Out of nowhere, we get a clip of something called "Explosion" with a match with Team 3Dicles and the gunnaz in which Devoy pinned one guy and the other guy pinned Bruther Ray, and two referees (wut?) counted them both, so everyone's like "wut?" so they have this match here now. Bruther Ray starts with all arm breaky on Chris Sabin, who flippy dippys a bunch, but Chris keeps an armwrench on him, so Bruther Ray rolls and knocks him up some, then arm wrenches and Chris Sabin punchies him up, then kicks his chest, then kicks his chest, then kicks his forearm, and Bruther Ray boots his face.

Chris Sabin does a springboard cross body, but it pin gets nothing, then the two guys get in to doubleteam Bruther, but he's bigger than them, so thus he is better, and thus tags in Devboy to beat up on Robot Shelley. Devoy blacks it up with some skittering, then a hug on him, and the fans, out of respect for this match continuing and the Dudley Boys' wrestling skills, chant "WE WANT TABLES" which is ironic, you see, because it shows NO respect for their wrestling or for this match lasting.

Sabin ends up in somehow and beating on both Dudley Boys, and dorpkicks them both from the top rope, Bruther runs and clotheslines Devoy when Sabin moves away, then kicks him in the head, then the two Gunnaz kick Devoy in the head at the same time, then Sabin holds him and Robot Shelley jumps off the top rope and pins him... because he was never tagged in at that point at all.

So ignoring tag team rules, Bruther Ray clotheslines them both, and holds Robot Shelley so Devoy can go and say swhat's up to his penis. Bruther then tells the crowd to shout "get the tables" and... that was fucking pathetic. It sounded like only three people shouted "GET THE TABLES"... and not even at the same time.

So the black man has to go and get the tbale, when OMFG X-Pac attacks him from behind and Bruther Ray somehow ended up on top of the ramp, and he runs down to get dorpped by Kebong Nash.

WINNAR: DudleY Boys

X-Pac shows Bruther Ray that yo he dealin' wit dee X-Factuh (remember that? I do every time I see Waltman. That and Chyna penis). Scott Hall does a Crucifix Powerbomb on Chris Sabin, and Kebin Nashley d... was about to jackknife him, but just clotheslines him. NASH CLOTHESLINE, that is. It's special; it gets its own name. They then spray paint on Robot Shelley... and it looks like fecalmatter. The spray paint looks like fecal matter, all oily wet and liquidy. That's sick.

Random Commercial-area Thoughts:

The nWo remains in the ring while Bubba the Cum Spunge wanders in. nWo!Bischoff this ain't. Nashicles gets on th microphone to say he got a message to the iMPACT Zone and the world (all 600,000 of you)---they may not be signing the checks, but they are running the show. So Hogan is worried about Ric Flair and BishAWFF, but those be the least of his worries, for he is looking at his worst nightmare: the nWo? For 15 years he says, they been carrying his ass. Bubba told them what he said, oh they're BAAD people, and he says WELL THEY LEARNED IT FROM YOU! See, like that 80s anti-drug thing? I'm sick, fuck you.

He says he's got three people in this ring who like him, that's plenty. Wolfpac music then plays.

Backstage, Jay Bee intarviewing His Holy Darkness Pope Blackadictus I D'Angelo Dinero. He pimps it up talking about how at Lockdown he will make history when he lays claims tot he TNA World Heavwegiht CVhampionship and last week Fail sent Chelsea to disract ERarl Hebber an tonight is a whole differnet story as he will make sure they understand that Pope...

Speaking of Failure, here be Fail to butcher the pronounciation of "Picasso" ("Pick-ass-oh") and butcher even British English with some kind of pseudo-cockney jackass accent which drops pronouncing various "T's" in words, like "Duty" which becomes "Du E". How sweet, Pope will pray for him before the match.

Random Commercial-area Thoughts:

So. Here be TEH DOUG coming out to British it up a bit, including head wiggling. Don't question it; I no longer do. It's kind of like the La Resistance Rene Dupree dancing, except his dance was better, and not so faggoty. Also, he's French, and French people are better than British people. TEH DOUG asks us for a moment of our time if we please. What a fag. He stands in the ring as OUR X Champion, and he wants to make the point that the time of the acrobat and the trapeze artists stinking up this division are over, finished.

Honestly, I can't even disagree with him. Especially when he says those clowns need to go back to the circus with all the other performing monkeys. The Amazing Red is pretty much the prime example of the extreme left wing of wrestling... stunt artist with no wrestling skills, compared to the extreme right of wrestling, which is... eh, no skills at all, I suppose. He talks about the ahtfohm that is technical wrestling, which he is undoubtedly the master. Make of that whBenoitat you will.

Doug Williams then says his FULL name is... Douglas Williams. My God that is a revelation! So he's arranged a goontlet match tonoight against THOSE GUYS. He'll beat them, then wiggles his head at the camera, one on one.

TEH DOUGLAS vs SOME GUYS

Let's see if I can play video games while doing this at the same time. Okay, I can't. That was fast. So TEH DOUGLAS starts with THAT GUY with the purple pants, and they flip about with armwrenchlock things, before TEH DOUGLAS trips him up, grabs his legs and catapuilts him, but he lands on the turnbuckle safely, then moonsaults on him, and now elbows TEH DOUGLAS's face, and tries to Irish whip but TEH DOUGLAS holds on, and EUROPEAN UPPERCUTS him because he's European. He then whips him, but gets kicked in the face by THAT GUY, who then springboard X-Factors him. Seriously.

So THAT GUY kicks him in the back of the head after a pin gets 2, and gets on the top rope to moonsault but lands on his feet, but TEH DOUGLAS catches him in a Chaos Theory Suplay, and pins him for winx0rz.

WINNAR 1: TEH DOUGLAS

THE OTHER GUY enters and gets grabbed by TEH DOUGLAS, but gets flipped up by his headscissory thing. Som efast stuff and TEH DOUGLAS is all beaten up on now with weak-ass high flyer moves and such. THAT GUY slams TEH DOUGLAS's face in the turnbuckle, then irish whips him across it, slams into him, then scoop slams him, runs and legdorps him. Lame. Pin gets 2. He so boring. THE GUY chops TEH DOUGLAS down after picking him up, then gets on the top rope, but TEH DOUGLAS kicks the second rope, so thus THAT GUY falls off.

He then gets THE GUY in a geeyoteen chokey thing.

WINNAR 2: TEH DOUGLAS

He tapped out, but TEH DOUGLAS won't let go, cos he heel. Speaking of my not giving a fuck, here's Shannon Moop, and he stomps on TEH DOUGLAS then picks him up to irish whip and side kick thing him. He then gets his book of mom's orgy and drops it, about to do something but TEH DOUGLAS escapes. Shannon Moops says the book of fucking your mother has no room for boring-ass wrestlers like him, and he'll beat him at Lockdown, and welcome to glam rock. According to Marilyn Manson, rock is deader than dead. See, I know my things.

Random Commercial-area Thoughts: Let me spoil you, Cameron Inferno and everyone else who watches Criminal Intent: Robert Goran finds out its the FBI behind supporting a bunch of illegal arms dealers, so they can bug the weapons and track them to terrorist hideouts, so rather than be executed by them, he chooses to work for the FBI. Also, their boss, the curly-afro haired guy got killed while working for the same FBI people. And the woman who worked alongside Goran quit when she found out.

Backstage, the redhead talks to Team 3Dicles who are fat and tired and fat. They complain about being attacked by the nWo and says if Wolfpac wants a piece of Team 3D, in 15 years their paths have never crossed, but next week they will. Next week will be Wolfpac vs Team 3D. Speaking of which, why not they just call themselves the Wolfpac instead of "The Band"? Fucking TNA. Team Devon talks about them kicking their asses all over the iMPACT Zone, and speaking of Failure, Desmoy Fail gets the Jobber non-entrance.

Fail vs His Holy Darkness Pope Blackadictus I D'Angelo Dinero

Fail decides to blow his load early, and just like a conscious premature ejaculator, he fails, as the Holy Penis beats his fucking ass on the ramp and tosses his failure into the ring. Fail decides to attack him as he enters... with some weak shots. The Taz tries to sell Desmond Wolfe as violent and vicious. Really, he's done nothing remotely close to that in... ever. Desmoy does a move on him and beats His Holy Darkness down, but the HOLY FATHER... eh, continues to be dominated by failure.

Speaking of blowing his load early, he goes for his Tower of London move early, and fails (surprise!) so the Pope can beat him back and down, and pull down his knee pads to prepare for an Elijah Express maybe. He grabs failure as he comes up, gives him a Codebreaker and... really? Wow. A new level of failure from Fail himself.

WINNAR: His Holy Darkness Pope Blackadictus I

Yes, it really was that short. But OH NO FROM BEHIND AJ STYLES attacks him. He throws the Pope back inside, where Fail is busy getting his failing ass out of thar. AJ does some Stone Cold Steve Austin style yelling at the Pope, and Chris Parks' music hits... and AJ doesn't stop. Chris Parks comes down to the ring and AJ still doesn't move. At the last minute, he leaves. LOOK OUT CHRIS, HERE COMES FAILURE!

So Desmond Fail attacks him from behind only to get shitkicked out of the ring again, so AJ attacks him from behind, then attacks His Holy Darkness again. Fail returns with a fire extinguisher, and uses it on Chris Parks' head, which would probably amount to his fourth offensive move since the match started and ended.

Random Commercial-area Thoughts: Frank Garrett. Do what?

Now that we return, we reach the moment we have ALL BEEN WAITING FOR! The contents of the Knockout locked boxes. The mere fact that they are female is the only reason I give this three thumbs up and say it is a worthy main event. Yay feminism!

Velvet Sky is up first... she gets an open contract for any opponent any match bluh bluh dee bluh

Tarantula is up next with a lot on the line... she can either lose her shitty gimmick or her totally awesome title. She gets... her tarantula. Well at least we get a spiffy new champion.

Next comes the two of them. Jay Bee asks Daffney if she's ready. Since he's a fucking retard, she just stares at him, looking exactly like how I would do it, only without the makeup and crooked hat. TIME TO OPEN THE BOXES IN THREE TWO ONE...

Angelina gets the title, and Daffney has to strip for us. She tries to casually leave, but Jay Bee stops her. If this doesn't happen, she'll be fired. Funky music plays and she sadly and slowly strides to the ring.

I call shenanigans, for there is no pole.

It's kind of funny in a "omfg feminist" kind of way how Tara looks down at the ring at Daffney kind of sadly, while hugging her Tarantula to herself. Well, how do you want me to review a slow as hell striptease that will reveal no genitalia or bare breasts?

Like this: Lacey von Erich runs down and thwacks Daffney in the guts, then strips off her robe to show off some kind of stripper-outfit-looking nightgown. The Taz conjectures this is not the first time she has taken her clothing off to music before. Also, Tarantula randomly attacks Angelina, because she apparently did not comprehend the concept of the rules... or because she's an asshole.

Also, Velvet Sky gets on the microphone and targets Lacey, saying that one rule of the Horribkle People is that one doesn't upstage the other one... so she uses her contract on Angelina Love in a Leather and Lace match. Where did Lacey von Erich fit into this? And why did I not see half-naked Daffney?

TNA YAY: Daffney's bare shoulders. That's as much as we got. Also, Kurt Angle brawled half-decently. TNA BOO: No half-naked Daffney in a skimpy bra and panties. It's sad, as Daffney is the kind of female even the girls get wet for.

TNA WTF?: I don't know... let's just say the WWE-style booking and the blatantly obvious "Guess who's gonna get squashed by the big dumb muscly guy now!" type matches

You've just been Halonic Death Ray'd, and like I say every week, if I'm not back within two or three weeks, consider me dead.

Feedback if you want: phenomynouss@hotmail.com

Andariel Halo is a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. She can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. She translates ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees. Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, Andy once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. Children trust her. She knows the exact location of every dairy item in the supermarket. She has performed covert operations for the CIA. She's in bed every day, but sleeps once a week, OH! The laws of physics do not apply to her. One time, she shot her friend in the back of the head with a BB gun, and placed all blame on him.

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TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).