TNA IMPACT RANT
March 31, 2011
Hey guys, Malcolm not in the Middle here… and I am an idiot. I switched with Halo for a week, thinking I’ll get a week off NXT… then WWE decides to say “Fuck it” with Smackdown, and everything involved with it, cause lets not try to create more hype for the biggest show of the flipping year. No, lets just replay the shit from RAW over and over. End result is Halo is doing a recap of one match and three RAW Rewinds, while I still have to cover a piece of shit show that twice in length as NXT, and doesn’t know it’s a piece of shit… yup, life is fair.
Just to get it out of my system, can I say I’m just vastly disappointed with the hype for this Wrestlemania? This Wrestlemania is shaping up to be the Wrestlemania 9 of our generation. There’s been no build for any of the matches. Lets just run down the matches: 1. TRIPLE H vs. TAKER: They had a whole flipping month to build this feud, and instead they wait till the last RAW to add some kind of a story to it. Why the fuck are they even fighting?! This is a match that’s literally coasting on the fact that HHH and Taker are fighting at Mania... Even though we saw that 10 years ago! The streak is great, but it has one major flaw going against it. That being we will always know who’s going to win. Therefore, you have to have some kind of major story behind the match. SOMETHING that makes me think the streak is in danger. Just having HHH for the sake that he’s HHH isn’t cutting it.
2. MIZ VS. CENA: Took me awhile to write the name of the match, as I kept writing ROCK VS. CENA instead. Could the WWE be more obvious that they have no faith in Miz? The Miz has to win this match up now on the sheer fact that it would make him look worthless if he didn’t. Cena isn’t even focusing on him; he’s too busy with Rock! I may have a smaller issue with this one if the Rock was actually in the fucking match, but he’s not. He may not even get involved in the match! The killer thing is, least in my opinion, Miz is better than they give him credit for. He would have been fine. But I wonder if WWE will ever give him the chance.
3. DEL RIO VS. EDGE: I will back off this one a little, as they’ve made this a little personal, but it’s still just a title defense. These two are fighting because Del Rio won the Rumble, and Edge is a jerk.
I’d go through the other matches, but most of them have even less hype. If you were watching just WWE TV, would you even know Sheamus and Daniel Bryan are fighting? I will give one match credit however, as COLE VS. LAWLER is the only match this year that has history and a nice story to it… however, this is quickly negated by the realization that the only match with this is a match involving two fucking commentators! Even more depressing? That could end up being the main event! A match between the two guys usually calling the fucking action!
Well, now I’m pissed, which is the best frame of mind to have when watching TNA. BTW, have I mentioned that I haven’t watched TNA since that report I did for Halo? Let’s see how TNA has changed… Well the first thing that TNA does to piss me off is the time. I have to watch this shit at 9pm?! Grow up! RAW gets away with that cause its good! If your gonna be shit, start at 8pm. I need the sleep.
We start off with a video recap of last week. So basically, Mr. Andrerson was fighting RVD with Sting as guest ref. RVD is taken out outside of the ring, and Anderson wants Sting to count. Anderson is pissed when Sting doesn’t count so he attacks him. Anderson was DQ’ed somehow, so they fight. We cut to the actual show, with Arn’s Baby Boy Ken Anderson, oh Mr. Anderson. And he’s dragging Earl Hebner to the ring, cause that’s something a face would do. Mr. Anderson actually makes me snicker here, as his gimmick is supposed to be that he’s an asshole; however his gimmick is really that he’s five years old. He comes off as such whiney bitch. He comes off as more of a child than anything. Imagine Steve Austin if he was a total spaz and that’s him. Anderson wants the decision to be reversed. Earl tells him to go fuck himself and threatens to suspend him indefinitely… which gets cheered. A face, Anderson is not. He then kicks Earl (which caused him to forget to suspend him) and is about to Mic Check him when his Brian Hebner comes in to stop him. Anderson continues to taunt them, when Sting comes out.
They proceed to argue like children; with lots of yelling and talking at the same time. I honestly have no idea what they were saying at this point. Then they start punching each other. This goes on until security runs down to break it up.
RVD then comes down with his shitty music. Remember “One of a Kind”? There was a good song. RVD comes down to steal a line from Megamind, and offers to make his championship match at Lockdown a Triple Threat… cause apparently he is that nice a guy. Earl Hebner tells RVD he doesn’t have the power to do that… wait, so you can practically fire someone, but you can alter a match? H^2 and Bischoff out to respond; and its here I notice the Impact-tron has thinner trons on each sides. It cuts out a lot of the word Immortal. End result is me calling this stable MORT for the rest of this review.
Hogan likes the idea of there being a World Title match involving no one from Mort, so he allows the match to become a Triple Threat. Um, Yay? Eric Bischoff then announces his idea for a Main Event as it will be RVD, Sting, and Anderson vs. Matt Hardy, Bully Ray, and Abyss of Mort… okay, I’ll give that a chance.
Sting acknowledges this decision by jumping Anderson… his partner for later tonight… Good god…
OFF TOPIC: I’m shocked to see commercials for WWE All Stars on TNA’s slot. Honestly, what the fuck?
They then start a TNA Shop promo, which I advise you all to stay clear off. True story: I bought 4 DVDs from this Black Friday sale they did awhile back. Bought the Best of Christian, Raven, and 2 AJ Styles DVDs… the fucked me over on the AJ DVDs. Never bought from them again.
We get this weird Stalker cam of someone following Anderson trying to get a comment. He literally tells him to fuck off several times before he has to turn to threaten him before he catches the hint.
We then quickly cut to RVD, and this one is funny. We never hear the interviewer ask him anything in the beginning, so its like he’s talking to himself. He actually loves the fact that he has all the members of Mort in there so he can keep an eye on him; and its awesome his PPV opponents where in there too… so in summary, he thinks being surrounded by people who want to see him injured is a good idea… Fucking stoner.
Sting wants an apology and he is going to go get it from Anderson… Yeah that’ll happen.
We find out that Shannon Moore and Scott Steiner will happen tonight in a match that promises to be awesome (sarcasm). We then cut to a promo with Shannon Moore and some form of mutation of the Red Rooster. Moore curses a lot and promises to finish off Steiner.
We then cut to Steiner in another taped segment. Scott calls Shannon a bitch a lot, and says something about sleeping with his girlfriend. It’s a Scott Steiner promo, you know how they go by now.
We then cut to another taped segment… Dude, I’m seriously starting to get motion sickness thanks to this show. This one was taped “Earlier Today” which effectively makes it no different from any other segment we will see today. It’s with Bully Brother Bubba Ray Dudley about AJ being in the hospital indefinitely, and his response… “I don’t care”. And that makes sense, really. I mean, were they expecting remorse here? Here’s the funny part though… during this promo, there is a very noticeable cut in the film. Meaning Bubba could have been talking all fucking day, and they pieced this promo together from that. Seriously though? Bully Ray can’ cut a 30 second promo?
We then make another cut to the back where Eric Young and what in the fuck is that!? Orlando Jordan? That’s Orlando Jordan? Is he seriously supposed to be the representation of gay and bi America? I have family and friends who are gay or bi, and brother, they don’t dress like that!
OFF TOPIC: Fuck the 3DS. Seriously? A mobile gaming system that shouldn’t be played for 30 minutes, and loses its 3D easily? Pass…
We go to the back and Jeff Jarrett and Karen Angle talking with Bischoff and Hogan. Apparently, him and Angle are going to meet at Lockdown; and Jarrett is pretty unhappy about it. Jeff wants out, and Hogan has a plan. His plan simply put is to get Rob Terry, a jobber, to take out multi-time World Champion Kurt Angle… Really? That’s up there with sicking Ted Dibiase on HHH.
SHANNON MOORE VS. SCOTT STEINERI won’t bother to recap this match (Cause when do I ever?) as its really just Shannon Moore flipping around to make Scott Steiner look good… isn’t he supposed to be feuding with Mort?
JEREMY BUCK VS. MAX BUCK… You have to see this match.
VELVET SKY VS. WINTER
KURT ANGLE VS. ROB TERRYAngle is nice enough to let Rob Terry pull off a powerslam before making his bitch ass tap.
MORT (MATT HARDY, BULLY RAY, & ABYSS) VS. STING, MR. ANDERSON, & RVDReally nice story told with just the entrances, Mort coming in together and the faces doing separate entrances. Actually, Sting doesn’t even come out as he jumps Anderson from behind during his entrance. Wow, what a face! To then prove how manly they are, RVD and Sting rush the ring to face Mort 3 on 2. Yeah guess how well that goes.
BEST THING OF THE NIGHT, OR "THE DEWEY AWARD": The Max Buck vs. Jeremy Buck match was excellent; a must see.
AWFUL THING OF THE NIGHT, OR THE REESE AWARD: Winter should NEVER wrestle again.
WTF MOMENT OF THE NIGHT, OR THE FRANCIS AWARD: Those fucking cuts to video. How many of them were they? It felt like they squeezed 10 in-between commercials.
THE TWF "MENTAL WELLNESS TEST!"
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