TNA IMPACT RANT

by Malcolm not in the Middle

March 31, 2011

Hey guys, Malcolm not in the Middle here… and I am an idiot. I switched with Halo for a week, thinking I’ll get a week off NXT… then WWE decides to say “Fuck it” with Smackdown, and everything involved with it, cause lets not try to create more hype for the biggest show of the flipping year. No, lets just replay the shit from RAW over and over. End result is Halo is doing a recap of one match and three RAW Rewinds, while I still have to cover a piece of shit show that twice in length as NXT, and doesn’t know it’s a piece of shit… yup, life is fair.

Just to get it out of my system, can I say I’m just vastly disappointed with the hype for this Wrestlemania? This Wrestlemania is shaping up to be the Wrestlemania 9 of our generation. There’s been no build for any of the matches. Lets just run down the matches: 1. TRIPLE H vs. TAKER: They had a whole flipping month to build this feud, and instead they wait till the last RAW to add some kind of a story to it. Why the fuck are they even fighting?! This is a match that’s literally coasting on the fact that HHH and Taker are fighting at Mania... Even though we saw that 10 years ago! The streak is great, but it has one major flaw going against it. That being we will always know who’s going to win. Therefore, you have to have some kind of major story behind the match. SOMETHING that makes me think the streak is in danger. Just having HHH for the sake that he’s HHH isn’t cutting it.
2. MIZ VS. CENA: Took me awhile to write the name of the match, as I kept writing ROCK VS. CENA instead. Could the WWE be more obvious that they have no faith in Miz? The Miz has to win this match up now on the sheer fact that it would make him look worthless if he didn’t. Cena isn’t even focusing on him; he’s too busy with Rock! I may have a smaller issue with this one if the Rock was actually in the fucking match, but he’s not. He may not even get involved in the match! The killer thing is, least in my opinion, Miz is better than they give him credit for. He would have been fine. But I wonder if WWE will ever give him the chance.
3. DEL RIO VS. EDGE: I will back off this one a little, as they’ve made this a little personal, but it’s still just a title defense. These two are fighting because Del Rio won the Rumble, and Edge is a jerk.

I’d go through the other matches, but most of them have even less hype. If you were watching just WWE TV, would you even know Sheamus and Daniel Bryan are fighting? I will give one match credit however, as COLE VS. LAWLER is the only match this year that has history and a nice story to it… however, this is quickly negated by the realization that the only match with this is a match involving two fucking commentators! Even more depressing? That could end up being the main event! A match between the two guys usually calling the fucking action!

Well, now I’m pissed, which is the best frame of mind to have when watching TNA. BTW, have I mentioned that I haven’t watched TNA since that report I did for Halo? Let’s see how TNA has changed… Well the first thing that TNA does to piss me off is the time. I have to watch this shit at 9pm?! Grow up! RAW gets away with that cause its good! If your gonna be shit, start at 8pm. I need the sleep.

We start off with a video recap of last week. So basically, Mr. Andrerson was fighting RVD with Sting as guest ref. RVD is taken out outside of the ring, and Anderson wants Sting to count. Anderson is pissed when Sting doesn’t count so he attacks him. Anderson was DQ’ed somehow, so they fight. We cut to the actual show, with Arn’s Baby Boy Ken Anderson, oh Mr. Anderson. And he’s dragging Earl Hebner to the ring, cause that’s something a face would do. Mr. Anderson actually makes me snicker here, as his gimmick is supposed to be that he’s an asshole; however his gimmick is really that he’s five years old. He comes off as such whiney bitch. He comes off as more of a child than anything. Imagine Steve Austin if he was a total spaz and that’s him. Anderson wants the decision to be reversed. Earl tells him to go fuck himself and threatens to suspend him indefinitely… which gets cheered. A face, Anderson is not. He then kicks Earl (which caused him to forget to suspend him) and is about to Mic Check him when his Brian Hebner comes in to stop him. Anderson continues to taunt them, when Sting comes out.

They proceed to argue like children; with lots of yelling and talking at the same time. I honestly have no idea what they were saying at this point. Then they start punching each other. This goes on until security runs down to break it up.

RVD then comes down with his shitty music. Remember “One of a Kind”? There was a good song. RVD comes down to steal a line from Megamind, and offers to make his championship match at Lockdown a Triple Threat… cause apparently he is that nice a guy. Earl Hebner tells RVD he doesn’t have the power to do that… wait, so you can practically fire someone, but you can alter a match? H^2 and Bischoff out to respond; and its here I notice the Impact-tron has thinner trons on each sides. It cuts out a lot of the word Immortal. End result is me calling this stable MORT for the rest of this review.

Hogan likes the idea of there being a World Title match involving no one from Mort, so he allows the match to become a Triple Threat. Um, Yay? Eric Bischoff then announces his idea for a Main Event as it will be RVD, Sting, and Anderson vs. Matt Hardy, Bully Ray, and Abyss of Mort… okay, I’ll give that a chance.

Sting acknowledges this decision by jumping Anderson… his partner for later tonight… Good god…

OFF TOPIC: I’m shocked to see commercials for WWE All Stars on TNA’s slot. Honestly, what the fuck?

They then start a TNA Shop promo, which I advise you all to stay clear off. True story: I bought 4 DVDs from this Black Friday sale they did awhile back. Bought the Best of Christian, Raven, and 2 AJ Styles DVDs… the fucked me over on the AJ DVDs. Never bought from them again.

We get this weird Stalker cam of someone following Anderson trying to get a comment. He literally tells him to fuck off several times before he has to turn to threaten him before he catches the hint.

We then quickly cut to RVD, and this one is funny. We never hear the interviewer ask him anything in the beginning, so its like he’s talking to himself. He actually loves the fact that he has all the members of Mort in there so he can keep an eye on him; and its awesome his PPV opponents where in there too… so in summary, he thinks being surrounded by people who want to see him injured is a good idea… Fucking stoner.

Sting wants an apology and he is going to go get it from Anderson… Yeah that’ll happen.

We find out that Shannon Moore and Scott Steiner will happen tonight in a match that promises to be awesome (sarcasm). We then cut to a promo with Shannon Moore and some form of mutation of the Red Rooster. Moore curses a lot and promises to finish off Steiner.

We then cut to Steiner in another taped segment. Scott calls Shannon a bitch a lot, and says something about sleeping with his girlfriend. It’s a Scott Steiner promo, you know how they go by now.

We then cut to another taped segment… Dude, I’m seriously starting to get motion sickness thanks to this show. This one was taped “Earlier Today” which effectively makes it no different from any other segment we will see today. It’s with Bully Brother Bubba Ray Dudley about AJ being in the hospital indefinitely, and his response… “I don’t care”. And that makes sense, really. I mean, were they expecting remorse here? Here’s the funny part though… during this promo, there is a very noticeable cut in the film. Meaning Bubba could have been talking all fucking day, and they pieced this promo together from that. Seriously though? Bully Ray can’ cut a 30 second promo?

We then make another cut to the back where Eric Young and what in the fuck is that!? Orlando Jordan? That’s Orlando Jordan? Is he seriously supposed to be the representation of gay and bi America? I have family and friends who are gay or bi, and brother, they don’t dress like that!

OFF TOPIC: Fuck the 3DS. Seriously? A mobile gaming system that shouldn’t be played for 30 minutes, and loses its 3D easily? Pass…

We go to the back and Jeff Jarrett and Karen Angle talking with Bischoff and Hogan. Apparently, him and Angle are going to meet at Lockdown; and Jarrett is pretty unhappy about it. Jeff wants out, and Hogan has a plan. His plan simply put is to get Rob Terry, a jobber, to take out multi-time World Champion Kurt Angle… Really? That’s up there with sicking Ted Dibiase on HHH.

SHANNON MOORE VS. SCOTT STEINER

I won’t bother to recap this match (Cause when do I ever?) as its really just Shannon Moore flipping around to make Scott Steiner look good… isn’t he supposed to be feuding with Mort?

The only interesting thing about this was Eric Young, who announced that he and Jordan will face Scott Steiner & Crimson, Ink Inc, and a Mystery Team at Lockdown. Eric spent this whole match wondering who it could be (Beverly Brothers? Demolition?) And it was really funny.

Steiner wins with a suplex.

WINNER: Scott Steiner

Afterward, while trying to come down to the ring to congratulate the losers, the British Invasion run down and jump EY & OJ. Gee, I wonder if they’re the mystery team? TNA really doesn’t know how to maintain suspense, do they?

OFF TOPIC: Go Team Brock!

We come back to Anderson using a poster of him to talk to tell Sting to go fuck himself…. They should just call this show “TNA Go Fuck Yourself”… Christ above.

We then cut to Karen and Jeff trying to figure out a plan B in case their plan of sending a jobber to take out Angle. The bickering here… I actually enjoy. Folks, this is how a married couple talk to each other. It’s actually very entertaining for me.

We come back, and they show a Generation Me package, actually showing how these two came to despise one another. This little feud started thanks to both of them wanting to with the X Division title in an Ultimate X match. Gee, imagine that? Such much sarcasm in this rant…

JEREMY BUCK VS. MAX BUCK

… You have to see this match.

I know I’ve been shitting on TNA pretty hard, but this match is everything TNA should be. This match will excite you, and piss you off at the same time. This match was great. While some will say it was a spot fest, perhaps, but you know I never see that in WWE. And that’s also why this will piss you off, cause its stuff like this that TNA should focus on doing. You know, stuff I never see in WWE, and not trying to replicate WWE.

But seriously, a very nice match. Story of this one was Jeremy was trying to upstage his older brother Max, who desperately was trying to keep up with Jeremy. The end comes when Max sucker punches (or kick in this case) Jeremy in the head, and hit his finish for the win.

WINNER: Max

Great match… too bad nothing will come it.

Fourtune are here (minus AJ of course), and they are talk about some sort of jet shipment. James Storm says beer a few times, so I’m assuming it’s a shipment of beer.

OFF TOPIC: The new Hop movie looks fucking stupid.

We come back where Winter is talking to a hypnotized Angelina Love… really? When did she level up enough that she learned Dominate? Plus this really makes Angelina Love look really stupid, but whatever.

And this very badly cuts to a video package of the whole Winter-Love-Sky triangle… and I understand why Katie Lea Burchill was released. Winter can’t act for shit, and this angle is stupid. Hopefully, she’s learned to wrestle at least.

VELVET SKY VS. WINTER

OFF TOPIC: Pysch! We have a commercial first!

NOPE! Not only can she not wrestle, but she got shit theme music now too.

This match is fairly short, with Sky dominating most of it. Finally, Angelina comes out like fucking zombie and stands there. I have to say, this was disturbing for me, only because you have no idea how much plastic is on Angelina Love until she is just standing there with no expression. She is almost literally an action figure.

Anyway, Winter uses this distraction to take out Sky with a submission.

WINNER: Winter

Winter continues to kill Velvet Sky, as Angelina just stands there. BTW, did Velvet Sky get a boob job or something? Those things are as big as Angelina’s! I really hope this isn’t how they plan to break up the Beautiful People, cause a witch hypnotizing them is just dumb.

We get some more main event hype, when Anderson comes out to the ring. He gets a mic and yells “STING! STING! GET YOUR ASS OUT HERE!” which makes me laugh for some reason. Just the way he said it, I guess. He starts what looks to be an apology when he just punches Sting… and they fight, and fight, and fight. They fight for like 5-7 minutes all over the arena, and the fight is boring. Finally, Mort (Hardy, Ray, and Abyss) grants us mercy by jumping these two. However, they spend even more time killing them. RVD comes out for the save (… for some reason), however he only hits Bully Ray to save Sting. Abyss and Matt continue to kill Anderson. Then they throw him in the ring with Sting, who punches Anderson in the face. This ends the segment. What the fuck?

Cut back to Karen and Jeff, who are tricking the cops into believing Angle has gone nuts. Once again, I enjoy them. Yes, this angle has to suck for Angle, but these two great.

OFF TOPIC: The hell is Hydroxycut?

After a recap of Anderson being well, Mr. Anderson, we cut to a quick promo by Ric Flair and Mort. I have to say, all kidding aside, I like this trio. When you break it down, it’s actually a pretty intimidating group.

We cut to a 30-minute promo with Velvet Sky. I say 30 minutes because this promo also has a very obvious cut or two in it. Velvet is also following suit with the rambling that is choking this show. I’ll be honest, this is what it would be like if someone pointed a camera at me and told me to cut a wrestling promo. It’s that bad. She also breaks the record for the most times the word “bitch” was used in a wrestling promo.

Angle now coming out, and calls out Jarrett, saying he doesn’t want to wait till Lockdown. Jarrett responds by bringing out Rob Terry.

KURT ANGLE VS. ROB TERRY

Angle is nice enough to let Rob Terry pull off a powerslam before making his bitch ass tap.

WINNER: Kurt Angle

Angle then proceeds to chase Jeff all around the ring, even getting him up the ramp. Angle goes for an Angle Slam on the steel, but Jeff escapes and runs to the back. Angle gives chase, threatening to kill him… when he bumps into a shit load of cops who cart him off to jail. Wah wah!

Fourtune in the back, discussing if they’re ever going to do anything tonight. Christ, these guys are supposed to have half the belts, right? Anyway, they decide to back Sting tonight, cause the other guys are an addict and an asshole.

OFF TOPIC: Christ, I want an IPAD.

Hogan and Bischoff greet us back but talking how awesome this main event is… yup, everyone is 5 on this roster. Well, I’ll give TNA credit for one thing, and that’s they actually give their main events a lot of time, as it’s 10:30, and we are starting the main event.

MORT (MATT HARDY, BULLY RAY, & ABYSS) VS. STING, MR. ANDERSON, & RVD

Really nice story told with just the entrances, Mort coming in together and the faces doing separate entrances. Actually, Sting doesn’t even come out as he jumps Anderson from behind during his entrance. Wow, what a face! To then prove how manly they are, RVD and Sting rush the ring to face Mort 3 on 2. Yeah guess how well that goes.

What follows for the next 20 minutes is a long beatdown by Mort on the faces, with Anderson deciding to pull up a chair to watch his Lockdown opponents get killshitted… and you know what? That’s the smartest thing I’ve seen this whole night! Because Anderson never steps foot in the ring, this match never really starts. So Mort just continues to beat up Sting and RVD without fear of getting DQ’ed.

OFF TOPIC: Sucker Punch sucks, don’t watch it.

At this point, Hulk Hogan comes out… wearing white armor. Fuck man, his back is that bad? Its only a matter of time till that Hogan in a wheelchair pic on this website becomes a reality. Either that, or Hogan is Iron Man. He seems to have a problem with Anderson not stepping in the ring… Which makes no sense. He realizes that Anderson not stepping in the ring is why Mort is killing RVD and Sting right? Anderson tells H^2 to fuck off… who responds by decking Anderson, and throwing him in the ring to start the match. Sting immediately attacks Anderson, cause he’s smart.

Anderson recoups in the opposite corner, as tags are now being enforced. Sting is the face in peril for a bit before tagging in RVD who starts killing Mort and finally has Abyss primed for a 5 Star Frog Splash. Anderson however, says fuck that and chucks Rob from the top rope. This allows Bully to hit a Bubba Bomb (Bully Bomb?) for the win.

WINNERS: Mort

BTW, I need to cut Matt Hardy some slack here, as he’s actually not fat anymore. In fact, he’s actually in shape. Not my favorite wrestler, but just giving him his due. Just saying, if he’s fat then so is Mickie James.

Mort continues to kill Sting and RVD (Anderson checks out) when Fourtune run out. They get the upperhand for a little while but then Bully Ray gets a chain and busts them all wide open. They then beat them up for awhile, when a figure emerges from the crowd and scales the cage. The figure then dives off the top of the cage and hits a crossbody so powerful it knocks everyone from Mort unconscious… I’m pretty sure. This man btw… is Christopher Daniels.

OFF TOPIC: Well, that was… wait. The show is still going?

So I guess TNA does this weird thing were they getting reactions from everyone in the main event when shit goes down. This is kinda stupid, as reactions to a major happening is a big reason to TUNE INTO NEXT WEEK’S SHOW! Anyway, they talk to Mort first. Flair is hysterical here as he spends half the time trying to find out who the hell Christopher Daniels is. Mort swears to kill them and take over. Blah, blah, blah.

We then cut to Daniels and Fourtune… in summary?

DANIELS: You hurt my friend, and I’m here for revenge!

KAZ: I’m happy I’m bleeding cause it proves that Flair isn’t the only who can.

ROODE: Son of a bitch!

STORM: We are going to finish this!

Daniels: TNA is built on blood!

Yeah, it got confusing for me too. We then cut to Sting, who promises to kill Anderson and informs us its showtime. Then cut to Anderson… who gets jumped and left for dead by RVD. THE END.

You know, I used to joke that Halo’s rants were a little on the childish side, but I understand why. This show is shaped like a kid wrote it! The cursing, the rambling, and the sudden cuts… do they seriously think they have a good thing going right now? Halo, how do ya do it?

Which one is worse? I dunno. I can see the arguments now on why both shows are pieces of crap. It’s like choosing between two ways of dying. Either way, it’s going to hurt.

BEST THING OF THE NIGHT, OR "THE DEWEY AWARD": The Max Buck vs. Jeremy Buck match was excellent; a must see.

AWFUL THING OF THE NIGHT, OR “THE REESE AWARD”: Winter should NEVER wrestle again.

WTF MOMENT OF THE NIGHT, OR “THE FRANCIS AWARD”: Those fucking cuts to video. How many of them were they? It felt like they squeezed 10 in-between commercials.

Twitter: @NotintheMiddle
Email: Malcolmnotinthemiddle@gmail.com

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