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So hey, how about that, um...


Time for two hours of the most epic win you've never seen, featuring your favoritist writer this side of the TWF ultra awesome (please visit us!) forums, ME! Besides, what could be better than reading MY stuff? Something else? I think so.

On to the show, complete with poorly spelled words and arbitrary nicknames for established (or not) wrestlers!

Here be the opening video featuring the Jeff Jarrett and Eric Bischoff stuff to a modern metal power ballad sounding thing. It's just so sad, I have to reciprocate with sadness of my own:

EARLIAR TODAY Jeff Jarreyy talked to Hulk Hogan backstage, where he says Hoganite doesn't need to apologize for TEH ERIC! But when he saw Jarreyy handle Eric, he got a great amount of respect for him. So he thinks the new start for Jarrett should happen tonight, where he will kick AJ's buttocks around the building, he'll become number one contender... instead of champion right away. Who needs that shit? Certainly not Jeff Jarrett!

Speaking of coming off that acid trip and completing a six minute journey in six weeks, HERE BE THE BLACK MACHO MAN JAY LETHAL who has FINALLY come to Hogan's office! Hogan is shocked to see him, whereas Lethal says WURD TRAVELS FAST that Hogan ain't gonna be at the TNA show today LATER TONIGHT, so Lethal figures... HE PULLS IN FOR HIM! Hogan says it feels right for him, but he's confused... see, he thought Macho Man was white...r. Hulk Hogan then does a Macho Man impression that's way better than Jay Lethal's. That was great stuff. THE MEGA POWERS KIND OF UNITE ONCE AGAIN BUT NOT REALLY?! I think so.

Random Intro-video Thought: Since when does Daffney steal MsChif's gimmick? And since when is screaming considered a gimmick?

Speaking of something or other, WOLFPAC MUSIC! Yes, the nWo now gets WOLFPAC MUSIC! It's probably generic, but you couldn't really tell... except for the lack of lyrics. Also, "the Band" just doesn't work as a replacement for "nWo" in that logo and such. "the Band Nitro" LIVE ON MONDAY NIGHTS! "the Band Thunder"... doesn't work.

Also, Bubba the Cum Sponge appears to lead them. nWoBischoff this ain't. He mocks the crowd and shits on TNA by saying he works for Howard Stern and such, and doesn't even need TNA, but since he does work here, he'd rather hang out with these guys here. What guys? The nWo guys. I see. People chant "Thank you Foley" and I'm like "silly faggots, that's Bubba the spongebob!" and they're like "You suck" and Bubba's like "Vince Young? Eric Evans Faggot?" and Nash wants to have a word or five about this bulldog of a man. Nash proceeds to give more than five words about him, pointing out his name is Eric Young, and says he and Young became friends over the past year, and man to man he wnats to talk to Young now and offer an pology.

And here is Eric Evans, walking down without music or video or talent or charisma or backstage pathos or my attention. Nashley says this is between him and Vince Young, so he's all like "hey Eric I know what we did to you was wrong especially me, I know you trusted me" and tells him they're still friends, and what he did was business, was not personal. They decided that if there's anyone gonna join the nWo standing in the lockerroom... it's definitely not you. Oh wait, he said it's definitely you. He says this match ain't gonna happen, RVD and Harvey ain't in their league, and tells them to throw up and join teh bando.

Eric Evans pensively penses about this... then decides to punch them weakly, TURN HIS BACK ON THEM to choke Sponge Bubba, and get shitkicked from behind by the nWo, where X-Pac legdorps his head, then Scott Hall holds him and punches him and lets Kevin Nash punch him.

And coming in after a delayed reaction, it's RVD and Jeff Harvey stumbling out amidst a wave of drug jokes and Funyuns. And speaking of stumbling, Jeff Harvey gets on the microphone to be all like they're ready for a match now but since they think they're the main event (MAFIA?!), it'll be a main event... in a SEEL CAGE MATCH! Not a typo. He then proceeds to sing along with his theme music, horribly off-key.

Random Commercial-area Thoughts: I

TEH DOUG and Brian Kendrick vs Shannon Moop and KAAHZ

Moops comes in with a book called "The Book of Dilligaf" which I googled, and means "Don't interrupt your fucking mother's lesbian orgy", and then you go and tell me "Andy, you sexy motherfucker, those aren't even the right letters for 'Dilligaf'", but come on, do I look like I give a fuck?

So Brian Kendrick yells at TEH DOUG a big, and before they can decide who starts, Shannon Moop runs and knocks Kendrick off, then attacks TEH DOUG and pulls him in to beat on him and tag in KAAZ. KAAZ rolls him over for a pin gets 2 after a quick dorpkick and such. Then he gets on the apron to slingshot legdorp, and Kendrick was skittering, about to go touch him and run, but he didn't.

TEH DOUG escapes a move and tags in Brian Kendrick, and he gets irish whipped by KAAZ who then does his stalling dorpkick thing where Kendrick is on the turnbuckle and he grabs the top and hovers a bit before dropping in. He then tries something else but Kendork pulls the referee in and TEH DOUG clotheslines him. TEH DOUG then gets tagged in after a bit, and starts snapmare and leg-head submission hold-ing him and such. Speaking of which, to counter the abysmal ratings, TNA is moving to 8pm Monday nights starting next week!

Brian Kendirck ends up in and beats on KAAZ some, putting his boot on his throat and such, then breaking his back, putting him in a camel clutch, fucking his ass, and making him humble. Or maybe a headlock, whichever. KAAHZ then breaks out because this is not Randy Orton, and he attacks Kendork with an in-ring collision of some kind. They both end up on opposite side of the ring from they taggor partners, but both end up flippy-dippying into a double tag thing, so Shannon Moop can kick both of them, then TEH DOUG gets some control, only to knee the turnbuckle.

For some reason, the referee yells at Moop for going on the top rope for a hurricanrana. YOU COULD HURT YOURSELF WITH A WRESTLING MOVE LIKE THAT YOU SILLY BASTARD! Brian Kendrick does a pinbreak that consists of gliding across the ring at full speed and tapping the freak's head. He ends up later on a turnbuckle and tries to attack TEH DOUG but Brian Kendrick knocks someone aside and KAAHZ holds TEH DOUG away as Moop pins Brian Kendrick.

WINNAR: Sharon Moop and KAAHZ

After the match, the freak paints on Brian Kendrick's face with black lipstick. TEH DOUG doesn't look like he gives a fuck.

CONTINUING THE TRADITION OF BEING A SAD, PETTY, JUST PLAIN SAD AND WASHED UP ANGRY LITTLE MAN, IT'S ERIC BISCHOFF ON THE PHONE TEASINGLY TALKING TO NO ONE, AND SUBTLY JABBING THAT IT IS VINCE MCMAHON OR SOMEONE BY SAYING "HAVE FUN IN NEW YORK" OR WHATEVER! Then a random slut walks into his office. I'm sorry, not a slut---all women are superior to men---but she's just dressed like a blatant slut. Poor devil.

Bischoff says she's only been on the job one day, and doing a great job, and also it's her job to keep some guy 50 feet away from him. Who is it? No one knows, but here be JAY LETHAL to run in and scream. Lethal says he'll make Bischoff the THIRD MEMBER OF THE MEGA POWERS if he's a good boy or whatever. He wants BishAWFF to see this lineup he has, it's CLASSIC!

So BishAWFF sees it's... Nikolai Volkov and The Iron Sheik vs the Killer Bees, Koko B. Ware vs Akeem the African Dream, King Kong Bundy vs The Junkyard Dog

BishAWFF says he's WAY too valuable to spend time on the undercard (a great booker booking matches for the undercard? What bullshit is this?!?!)

Random Commercial-area Thoughts: I want to see Iron Sheik and Nikolai Volkov vs the Killer Bees

In the ring now is His Holy Darkness Pope Blackadictus I D'Angelo Dinero, pimping it up with the cage match TNA Championship where His Holy Darkness shall job to the white man. Hell, yo uknow what? He decides the Shawn Michaels syndrome has gone on enough, Ric Flair ain't a boy anymore, so fuck that Nature Boy shit. He knows AJ has been hoping and praying that His Holy Darkness does not notice him, for he fears He. AJ hath been walking with his head hangeth down, knowing for certain that he is a shadow in the lights of the streets, and His Holy Darkness is the guiding light, and daybreak is soon to come! He calls upon his congregation to give him a "H-Amen!" and says AJ must venture to steal one of the most expensive space suits ever invented, for at Lockdown, His Holy Darkness will take him to the Outer Limits, narrated by Vic Perrin.

And when the smoke doth cleareth, His Holy Darkness shall stand with gold belt circling his waist, and declareth that the Pope hath not merely arrived, but the Pope is pimpin'

Now be some random female walking down the ramp towards him. People chant "Chelsea" for my own benefit. His Holy Darkness desecrates her figure with hith sinners eyes, but o lo, he shall repent! Meanwhile, Chelsea, what with her original sin and all, says she can definitely get something from him she will want from He. She wanted to, you know, how you say it? Be a hoe. She's too skinny to churn up dirt for farming. His Holy Darkness shall need to layeth his hands upon her sinful figure, but o lo he shall repent! Meanwhileth, he doth inquire as to whether she knows how to drive a car with stickshift, and while she hath not that ability, she shall learn. His Holy Darkness is happy to see her, for the happiness appears in his pants.

Meanwhile, Desmond Fail completely fails, as His Holy Darkness apologizes to her, turns, and KILLS THE FUCKING SHIT out of Fail way before he can do anything. His Holy Darkness then snatches her up and rapes her lips with his big black Holy lips... and drops her ass. Then stuffs some money down her blouse. BUT O LO, HE SHALL... well, maybe not. He made reparations to her shirt.

Random Commercial-area Thoughts: Sex. Sex innuendo. Whores hookers hoes sex paid for money with sex.

Speaking of burying stuff six feet under and totally forgetting about it for HOW MANY FUCKING WEEKS NOW?! Here is... guess who... seriously, Hogan and Bischoff TNA has buried so many people, you can't even keep track. This time around, it's SAMOAN RESIDENT JOSEPH!

He appears incredibly sweaty on camera, having some trouble putting force on something... in his pants? "They" have spoken, he sayeth. The Taz wonders who "They" are. "They" are, you fag.

Some random generic music plays, we have no idea who it is, and OH MY GOD IT'S OWEN HART CROSSING THE LINE INTO TN--- oh, it's... Leonid? Leonid the Magnificent?

It can't be, he's far too black to be him... and not Russian.

Whoever this Leonid-y Orlando Jordan is, they are aiming to... well, please no one. Total fucking silence all around. He then walks through the audience, complete with shots of average-looking Americans just... staring. Staring. Including a redneck-looking guy simply too stunned to try to lynch him. AND he's black, and probably female, so that's a double-triple minority whammy!

A curtain lifts up from a big-ass column, and inside is a male and female waiting for his (her?) sex. We then totally cut away to Bore Ass with another Boring Ass, TARANTULA! She yells and wails about Daffney stealing her tarantula. She says no pins or submissions just blood is just okay with her. Daffney then sounds TOTALLY LIKE ME out of nowhere saying "Me too!" all evil-like, and attacks her. Tarantula pulls her "I'M OOOOLD!" card and starts dominating Daffney easily, and smashing her face against a metal gate.

Random Commercial-area Thoughts: This is why I love Law and Order SVU: A girl accidentally kills the brother of her boyfriend, and after inquisiting due to her suspicious behavior, such as not wanting to take a rape test, they discover it's a man transexual. Boyfriend kills himself on finding out, and after much haggling and fighting, the lawyer defending himer lets himer take a plea deal... only to discover SURPRISE she's still a male so she goes to manjail, so she repeals her plea, and they go to trial... and the jury finds himer guilty of murder. Fifty bucks richer am I for betting the obvious, she gets savagely raped and beaten in jail. And that's why I'm perfect.

Daffney vs Tarantula

When we come back, Daffney is on her hands and knees being dragged into the arena area by Tarantula, who then shoves her against one of those pillars off behind the broadcast table, but now Daffney takes control of her, smashing her, then biting her hair. She's screeching for the referee to check her for blood, then Tarantula STONE COLD STUNS her, and starts beating on her on the broadcast table, and dragging her about and down the stairs to the big open area beside the elevated ramp. Daffy then takes control and irish whips her into some random platform where the broadcast tbale is on. Tarantula then wraps a cord around Tarantula's throat and drags her towards the ring, where she gets a broom or something, and boots her in the gut with the end of it.

Then she breaks it, and gets ahold of an OMFG


Before Daffney can pin the bug to the canvas with her stick, Tarantula stops her, and holds it, before knocking Daffney in the hip with a foot, then kicking her and going for her Widow's Peak thing. Her knees shall bleed! Sick, dood, but she's wearing kneepads, so NOTHING! So Tarantula goes for the tool box Daffney had brought in, and smashee her head with it. The referee then parts some of her hair to try to see some blood, and declares Tarantula the winner. Fucking referee, I didn't see fucking shit.

WINNAR: Tarantula

Camera closeup shows Daffney's minor bleeding. And I do mean "minor". Holy shit, you call that a crimson mask? A girl pisses more blood than that menstruating. Hopefully they wore their tampons, because knowing TNA, if one of the girls sprang a leak on their periods... they'd lose, you know? Daffney clearly loves it, and mocks Tarantula.

Speaking of holy shit, here be Ric Flair being wheelchaired while Ric Flair walks around with his sparkly Naich robe.

Random Commercial-area Thoughts: "Who's the Boss?" is not a food!

After a total repeat of the opening video sadness, here be a match.

AJ Styles vs Jeff Jarrett

Now a match be here and starting, with AJ Styles and Jarrett still smarting from Eric Bischoff's bullshit and Mick Foley's firing, the former of which Jarrett is surely tiring. So the men lock up and AJ turns it into an armdrag, and Jarrett rises to re-engage the scumbag. A headlock for Jarrett, spun about to a snapmare, and AJ backs off and taunts, knowing Jarrett cannot compare. They circle again, and engage anew, Jarrett in control, until he is subdued. Audience chants something incoherent, and the match has stalled, only to quickly engage, with AJ stumbling and mauled.

Jarrett runs and smashes his butt on AJ, and remains in control much to Ric Flair's dismay. Jarrett struts in his minor success, and Flair wheels himself down, and the match shall progress. AJ is rolled in, and begins to club at Jarrett's back, and chops and whips him to another corner, and lunges to attack. Jarrett moves away from the turnbuckle, and AJ's askew, then ends up caught in Jarrett's attack, followed by a pin gets 2. Flair watches nastily, and AJ drops Jarrett to the floor, grabbing Jarrett's legs, and putting on the Figure Four.

Flair wheels closer, leaning in to help AJ with a walking stick, but the referee catches him, so AJ bitches at the prick. AJ goes for Jarrett again, only for Jarrett to drop him to the mat, so Jeff can mockingly put on the Figure Four as well, only for AJ to reverse that. Ric Flair flails at Jarrett, so referee freaks out, and orders Ric Flair to leave, forcing AJ to whine and pout. Jarrett catches him outside, and tosses him back in the ring, but after a commercial break, AJ is suddenly winning!

In a submission hold, Jarrett is losing control, and AJ is keeping him down, for his is on a roll! After a knee drop, the submission hold is back on, yet Jarrett fights on, for the conclusion is far from foregone. AJ is forced to break off, and pulls Jarrett for turnbuckle assault, only to bring him down to a rest hold, and grind this match to a brief halt. But Jarrett ain't havin' it, and scrambles for a fight, and despite AJ's resistance, Jarrett's exerting his might!

A quick assault and then AJ is backdropped, and a pedigree follows, and a pinfall attempt which AJ stopped. AJ springboards an attack and gets Jarrett in a pin, but Jarrett lifts his shoulder up to prevent a win! AJ is angry now, and attempts a Styles Clash, but Jarrett grabs his legs up, and drops both men with a big crash.

The referee begins to count, and now Ric Flair has come back, the referee chastises him, but AJ accidentally knocks him off with a sickening crack. Jarrett now staggers, but reverses AJ's attack, and props him up on the top rope, and Strokes him, hitting the mat with a thwack. Jarrett crawls atop AJ, to go for a pin, when all of a sudden Bischoff arrives with a guitar and a grin. Jarrett wisely turns, and snatches the guitar away, and Bischoff pleads for mercy, but look out, from behind, it's AJ!

Now with the Styles Clash, AJ lays it in, and the referee is tossed in by Bischoff to count AJ for the win!


For reasons not even narrated by the commentators, we get a replay of AJ sneak-attacking Jarrett's noots from behind. MEANWHILE BACKSTAGE it's Jeff Harvey, Rob Van Dam, and Vince Young! First thing's first, Eric Evans wants to thank RVD and Harvey for BAILING him out earlier. He'll be returning the favor soon enough. Vince Young admits what he did in the ring, confreont Nash all alone, wasn't very smart, and admits he's not very smart.

Well that's the end of his part of the promo. He goes on to talk some more, but I'm not sitting here to be talked to by an idiot. RVD mocks the nWo for walking around spraypainting when people like him and such know that you have to keep fighting to stay on top. Jeff Harvey says he's sick of them putting their boots on his head when he tries to climb the latter and such.

Random Commercial-area Thoughts: Fun fact, I'm 3/4ths of the way through a 2 hour episode, and it's been three hours since I started. Where is the time?!

When we return, Eric BishAWFF meets with Black Macho Man backstage and says he's decided to put HIM in a match now, and sends him out to get in that ring, yo! SQUASH AHOY!

Black Machismo Jay Lethal vs Beer Munny

Guess who wins.

WINNAR: Black MachO Man Jay Lethal

HAHAHAH SWEEEEERVE~! Yah, seriously, he got a winsauce out of nowhere. You want it? Fuck you. Backstage, Eric Bischoff facepalms.

Random Commercial-area Thoughts: "Clash of the Titans" looks horrifyingly horrendous beyond any reasonable means of being so. So does the new movie.


His Holy Darkness Pope Blackadictus I D'Angelo Dinero vs Epic Failure

All joking aside (when did the joking start? HAW HAW HAW) what in the fucking shit is TNA doing with Nigel McGuinness? Thus far, he's been made to resemble my cruel nickname completely; a failure. A buffoon, an upfuckery klutz moron who always manages to screw shit up that should be incredibly easy to do. And his matches always consist of him spending 40% or more of it just on fucking WRISTLOCKS and other assorted restholds.

So failure spreads to the black dude, and drags him down hard several times. Fail is sick of being disrespected for his being a total idiot and buffoon. His Holy Darkness OMFG ARMWRENCHES AND ARMLOCKS him from behind, but Fail is mad and so revarses it, and does a European Uppercut, because you see, ALL European wrestlers are required to do so. I know it, too---the wrestler I made in DoR1-2 and SvR07-09 is Russian and she has the European Uppercut all the time. She also used an Asai DDT.

Dahkness gets control over failure for a bit, and they face off again only for fail to suckerkick him, then ANOTHER European uppercut. YAY FOR VARIETY, but not really. Now the nigga gets his head smushed on the turnbuckle, and Failsauce keeps staring at Chelsea, despite him being an ugly failure, and about to be shitkicked by the Pope is Pimpin. But you're not supposed to know that yet. An arm wrench, and some complicated hap-daggetry which literally involves some complex-looking shit by that guy only for him to settle on a lazy-ass legdorp or some shit. And then His Holy Darkness is in control, and pimping on his face with punchies of His Holy Fist.

Chelsea stands at ringside, looking underaged while Fail finally gains control to do his lazy-ass across the ring slam, only for His Holy Penis to move aside, knock his ass, then run and do his floating elbow dorp thing. Chelsea then gets on the apron to distract Earl Hebner with her jailbaitness, while Fail gets a handful of metal to punch His Holy Dahkness and cheat a win.

WINNAR: Failure

I saw Desmond Wolfe win a match against the better in every way D'Angelo Dinero. Now I know how the Vietnam War felt like.

Random Commercial-area Thoughts: Who could possibly marry that intolerable sack of shit Russell Brand? Katy Perry, that's who. Or as I knew her before becoming a one-hit wonder, "Who?"

Back in the ring it be a cage surrounding the ring already and... what? Kurtle, that's what. He comes out to bitch at Neo. After DESTINATION SEX, some people have said he might be every bit as good as Kurt Angle. Really? Really? Kurt Angle then says what I just said. He then wonders if Neo even knows who Kurt Angle is. I kind of wonder which Kurt Angle they were referring to. Kurt Angle mentions stuff about how he's an athlete and always in command and in control and maybe it was Mister Anderson (Welcome Bacijw9tjw)'s fault, maybe it's because he spat in his face or degraded the US troops or played with his dogtag thing.

So Kurtle wants him one on one in the steel cage with no rules no regulation no control. The only way to win is to go through the door in the side of the cage. Oh it's real. Then comes Neo's shitty-ass music... and his shitty-ass shirt, which is literally just "pro wrestling is real." written in lower-case letters, with his name underneath it.

Good God, you fucking suck, Ken Kennedy. He goes on to deliver a shitty promo saying this feud has got to stop, or they're going to kill each other. GOOD IDEA says Russo, as next week, Angle is feuding with Jay Lethal and Neo is feuding with Samoa Joe because Anderson was secretly behind his abducting and raping as a complicated plot to get him to drive a car to run down Kurt Angle and break his neck again at a late November pay per view event.

See what I did there? Book it, Russo, you fat piece of shit.

Meanwhile, Anderson Anderson keeps talking about stuff, and I only now realize that perhaps this match between the two was meant to happen at TNA LORKDOWN and not tongiht. Anderson then accidentally shits all over himself by saying the better man will NOT win at Lockdown, because Angle is a better everything than him; better father, better role model, better man, better wrestler, better talent, better lover, etcetera whatever. Anderson Anderson then thanks God loudly that he is an asshole, because he somehow believes that nice guys ALWAYS finish last.

And Kurt Angle is nice?

Hu ho, you gonna die, Anderson Anderson.

Before Angle can finish leaving, the nWo Wolfpac music plays and they walk down and OMFG Nash and Angle throw up teh Wolfpac at each other. MEM AHOY!? The Taz namedrops MEM, so it MUST be true!

The nWo vs Vince Evans, Rob Van Dam, Jeff Harvey

Eric Evans gets the steel cage door slammed in his face as he approaches, and the nWo attacks the two important people while Evans lays on the outside of the ramp, wallowing in failure. Nashley now in the ring beating on Harvey, and they toss RVD in, and lock the cage door... or try, because X-Pac can't fucking handle a lock and chain, and has to have Earl Hebber help him. DRUGS.

Six on twelve now, and X-Pac kicks up Jeff Harvey in one turnbuckle corner with Nash, while a SHIRTLESS (OMFG HORRORS) Scott Hall just sort of puts his foot on Rob Van Dam a bit. No wrestling yet, plenty of old people stumping about. Rob Van Dam finally gets some control over Nash, and Hahdy starts beating up on X-Pac, but this is quickly reversed into an irish whip which is OMFG REVVERSED into a powerbomb by Harvey. Meanwhile Scott Hall helps Nash free himself of RVD.

Scott Hall then lays on his fat ass and WATCHES Rob Van Dam rolling thoonda X-Pac and Jeff Harvey beat on him. Hall then gets up off his lazy ass only to be slammed into the turnbuckle and Poetry in Motion'd. Speaking of failure, Vince Young appears and climbs up the cage, clinging to the top and preparing to fall inside. Meanwhile, Harvey and RVD do top rope things on all three nWo members, and Eric Young gets on the top to do a hooge elbow dorp on X-Pac.

He then covers X-Pac for a win. Eric fucking Evans.

WINNAR: Vince Erics and Jeff Harvey and Rob Van Dam

Meanwhile, backstage, little redhead intarviews Chris Parks, who has MOAR yellow and red random parts to his shirt thing. He Chris Parks' it up with a totally not-Abyss type promo, talking trash on Sting and such, and all like Sting mentored him, and now he's on the other side... THE WROONG SIDE! And on Lockdown, they comin' ta get you. And there must be some WARRIAHS on his/Hoganite side... it must be three of them... and he made his selection... for the second member. Jeff Jarrett then wanders in to interrupt.

He comes in to say on to the next order of business. HE'S on the Team Hogan. He says he's gonna start getting involved in Flair's matches... which unless AJ is wrestling in a main event AND a Lethal Lockdown, I fail to see how he's gonna do that by joining Team Hogan.


TNA YAY: Yay for Orlando Jordan what with his... eh... actually,

TNA BOO: BOO for Orlando Jordan! Gorgeous George you ain't, tranny. Too dark for that.

TNA WTF?: Why have that elaborate tranny-entrance for Orlando Jordan complete with him walking onto a special set for him... only to cut away to something completely different, and totally blam the whole thing?

You've just been Halonic Death Ray'd, and like I say every week, if I'm not back within two or three weeks, consider me dead.

Feedback if you want: phenomynouss@hotmail.com

Andariel Halo is a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. She can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. She translates ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees. Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, Andy once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. Children trust her. She knows the exact location of every dairy item in the supermarket. She has performed covert operations for the CIA. She's in bed every day, but sleeps once a week, OH! The laws of physics do not apply to her. One time, she shot her friend in the back of the head with a BB gun, and placed all blame on him.


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November 2006


by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).