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TNA IMPACT RANT

by Andariel Halo

March 24, 2011


OH FUCK YOU

I was having a fun morning, then YOU showed up and reminded me of this responsibility. I could have been watching these classy movies I got like "The Empress Dowager" or Fellini's "Satyricon" but now I have to suffer the "please cut my throat" antics of Anderson Anderson and such.

And just as I was about to breathe a sigh of relief, we get a... music video thing... of Anderson Anderson's stuff from the past two weeks... and it's fucking AUTO-TUNED.

I'm not even exaggerating:

I want to drink, but the pretty fruity blue wodka bottle I got says serve chilled, and it's not chilled, so I can't drink it. So instead of drinking myself drunk again, I'm going to drink myself drunk, AND skip any match involving the cunthead!

Though it's fun hearing Bischoff and Hogan auto-tuned.

Tonight's title is "DO THE MATH". 1.1 ratings over the course of 5 years + Bringing in the biggest fucking superstars in the wrestling business = Continuous 1.1 - 1.3 ratings = Failure.

Speaking of failure, Anderson comes in with a dry erase board filled with generic MATH FORMULAE on it, and presumably a math teacher, Professor Schubert, all the way from University of Wisconsin. A quick Google search finds no evidence of this, but hey, all university web sites are dense, incomprehensible messes with no directions as to how to get to any specific page.

So motherfuckhead was studying to become a murder victim, and the professor was studying to become a math expart. While he was busy teaching them integers, Anderson was busy thinkign about rape. Not even joking. Unless Mary-Beth Wachowski would let him fuck her so crudely. So they got these two guise in the back called HOGAN AND BISCHOFF and their mathematics are not up to par, so he brought this guy up to verify that Anderson's math is correct. Jericho ME WANT TITLE MATCH this ain't.

So last week he had a match with Reefer Van Dam (his word) and they were pinning each other at the same exact time. So two guys, he draws on the thing, equals draw, add that to the fact that he never got a rematch, and this is a big 0 + 1 rematch he never got = I WANT MY FRICKIN REMATCH DURRHURRHURHURRR. He says he deserves, and asks this guy who looks like his name is Bruce that he deserves it he says yes he do. He says you free tyo go, but then brings him back now.

Remember that Mary-Beth Wachowski? He starts talking sick about her with him, saying how he didn't really like it too much when he was flirting with her. Was that because he was concerned with teaching him integers or was he being a Spartan with his pedo on her? This guy's not a fucking teacher. Anderson says Mary-Beth told him, and she told him that Professor told her that he was gay. HAA. This is funny now. Anderson says he loves gay people, one of his best friends is gay, but he's still a gaybashing homophobe fag.

I'mma skip this bullshit and say Anderson beats up on him, despite saying he's 35 now and he's cool with it and he's a grownup now, showing just how immature and childish he really is.

This brings out the REAL men, Hulk Hogan and Eric Bischoff, because it takes mature men to be as sleazy and criminal as them. Some guy has a sign that accurately states HULK HOGAN MADE WRESTLING and another with ERIC BISCHOFF IS A GENIUS! They are both technically correct; the best kind of correct.

Anderson smuggly steps on the board over FakeProfessor. Bischoff says as smart as he is, he can't see what Hogan sees in this piece of garbage. STOP SHOOTING, BISCHOFF!~! He says he tries to be funny, he's a bad comedian, he has bad jokes, he doesn't know how to make a point without taking advantage of somebody. Every pre-pubescent punk north of the Mason-Dixon line is gonna be beating up their teachers because they don't like what they have to say? I had a teacher in high school that I strongly suspect would have no problem taking down a student who made a move on him, and he was big enough to back that up, even if he was old.

Bischoff says Anderson is all Hulk's, it's his call. Hogan's like WHOA best friend, partner, no disrespect to you, but I really dig the shenanigans with the professor. He says that's spot-on, that's entertainment, but one little problem here; you kinda have been running amuk as of late, breaking some of the rules---MY rules. And I don't like it one bit, Anderson, KENNYBOY. You been messing with my rules, I'm not digging that at all.

I said we can do things the HARD way, or the EASY way, which means the IMMORTAL way, riding in the limojets with Ric Flair, and you know what he did? He told Hogan he had to think about it. Hard way or top of the world? Seriously, is Anderson that stupid? Well he got something to think about it: There will be no rematch until Anderson earns it. Anderson says he's earned it, which is BULLSHIT, and what he has is a rematch contract signed by DIXIE CARTER, and that means shit to him, HULK HOGAN, who swindled the company away from that retard.

It goes like this Kenny-boy; tonight, you face RVD again, you beat RVD one on one, and you get your shot. RVD! RVD! DVR! RVD! (his words). He says RVD isn't even in my frickin' leage. This brings out RVD. Suddenly, RVD's music is badass shit, and RVD's expression is badass shit. I wonder if it's just because I hate Anderson so much.

After commercial, RVD says don't act surprised, this is pro wrestling, you talk smack to someone, they come out, and you have to answer to them. So what's up, bitch, you got some funny words for RVD? Anderson smugs it up a bunch and such and says he'll tell him later in the ring, since this douchebag Hogan just put them in a match. WHAT YOU SAY ABOUT THAT ROBBIE?! Hogan says I REALLY LIKE THAT! And if you can't beat him, you'll be back in the sandbox playing with that perverted professor. Speaking of which, right now he's apparently gone.

Rob Van Dam says he's now wondering why he signed with TNA. Russo, Carter, Bischoff called him. But when Hogan called him, he took it seriously. So what's up, Hulk, when did you change your mind? Did he not perform, or were you always planning on bringing him in to screw him over? Duh? QUIT HOLDING ME BACK AND LET ME BE THE WHOLE FUCKING SHOW!

This brings out Sting. He says this is a really good show, and Bischoff and Hogan talk like they're in complete control, like they're BUDDYBUDDY with the NETWORK. Well guess what, Sting got a call from the NETWORK and tonight in the match that was supposedly only made just a few minutes ago, STING is to be special enforcer. If anything out of the ordinary happens I'M IN CONTROL! ME! I'M IN CONTROL! WHICH MEANS, IT'S SHOWTIME!

Speaking of number one contenders, it was last week when FOUR MEN fought for the title shot, and Rob Van Anderson won, while AJ Styles got shitkilled by BULLY Ray, who called him a fag.

Mickie James vs Tara

WINNING! DUH! That's what Tara said when Madison Rayne threatened her. Mickie James pulls Tara into the ring, then runs at her to attack, then Lou Thesz Press punch. Tara then pops Mickie, and runs at her to be slammed down and Mickie gets up to taunt some for momentum boost. Tara nosells some of Mickie's attacks and knocks her down, then steps on her stomach, and standing moonsault on her and pin gets 2. She tries to run at Mickie James in the corner but kind of ambles awkwardly at her, then reverses Mickie James's attempted hurricanrana with a powerbomb and pin gets 2.

Tara gets to the top rope now and Mickie James slams back into the ropes to knock Tara onto her balls. Mickie smacks her, then climbs to the top, but Tara trips her up so she's sitting on her lap, and punches her up, until she keels over, then Tara holds her in like a slam thing off the turnbuckle onto a Boston Crab position. She breaks out of it and Tara holds her in a position thing, but Mickie James does her high DDT thing and pinwins.

WINNAR: Mickie James

For no reason, Madison comes out to look prissy and disgusted. Good God, she's ugly.

Backstage, Shithead confronts Sting, saying he doesn't like him, and he doesn't like how he rode in on his little white horse and stole Anderson's title shot and is now world champion. Sting says he didn't steal anything, the NETWORK gave him the title shot because he = RATINGS and Anderson = Shit. Anderson wonders if the word NETWORK appears on his caller id. Somebody in the NETWORK made him special enforcer. There is no name behind the NETWORK, it's just the NETWORK. It's too bad it's not Jamie Kellner behind the NETWORK.

VIDEO RECAP of what happened last week when the black guy dressed in white beat up the white asian dressed in black. Then backstage, where Joe is like don't confront Pope, and OKATO speaks Japanese at him. Joe just goes all "alright" and leaves opposite him.

"Okada" (Fucking JB) vs His Holy Darkness Pope Blackadictus I D'Angelo Dinero

Fucking Jeremy Borash. It's actually Okato this time around. Fucking Mike Tenay thinks Pope is trying to hide his shame of being outed as a hustler by beating up on Okato. That doesn't even begin to resemble a coherent plot. VINTAGE TNA! Okato starts with a dropkick, then a bunch of kicks and punches in the corner, and irish whip reverse, he flies over, then kicks Pope down. He gets to the top rope, and front dropkick misses when Pope moves out of the way.

Now Pope puts him against the second rope and chojkes him on it, then popping at his head a bunch. Then run across the ring, but Pope just stops, figuring he's too Japanese to be worth that kind of move, and just exits the ring to start pounding on Okato's head on the apron and such. He fights like a black man yeeeuh. He then runs to kick Okato in the face, and Pope takes off one of his boots, and uses it as a weapon to bash Okato's head down. Pope then takes off one of his gloves, and shows a hand with a bunch of big rings on it, and Pope punches him with it.

He tries to snatch the rings, but Pope says fuck him, and so decides to disqualify him.

WINNAR: Okato

JB now calls him Okato. Pope keeps punching him up, and the referee NOT ERIC BISCHOFF'S SON pulls him off, and he punches the referee out. Samoa Joe runs down and Pope leaves.

Video package thing for Sting, involving where he didn't want to be a wrestler and it had no interest for him at all. And that one time when he saw people in a wrestling arena going nuts, he decided he wanted in on it, because he's a narcissist or something. That's kind of what that implies. Remember how Kurt Angle tries to molest Sting's children? Neither does TNA. Speaking of which, this is followed immediately by a Kurt Angle promo thing with him and his Jeff Jarrett feud. Remember how Kurt Angle made a movie where he did this?

That movie was exactly as epic as Catherine said it was.

Hulk HJogan invites Rob Van into his office and says he was ONE HUNDRED PERCENT on the money, I'm not hte same Hulk Hogan who invited you to TNA, but I'm back, I got my feet back on the ground. I been through a lot, and now that I've got my act together, I'm gonna reaffirm that you're my guy. He says Bischoff sees something in Anderson that Hogan doesn't see.

Stop.

Am I crazy, or was it not Eric Bischoff wondering what HULK HOGAN saw in Anderson?

Rob Van leaves, seemingly not stupid enough to realize that not ten minutes ago it was Hogan who supposedly saw stuff in Anderson that Bischoff did not. Once Rob Van leaves, Hogan snorts and laughs and says What an idiot.

Speaking of idiots, Ric Flair comes out now with BULLY Ray and Matt Hardy. Tonight, God is gonna pass the microphone to two halves of the formerly greatest tag teams of all time. Matt Hardy mumbles about how it's really a tragedy seeing FOURTUNE go down the same road that one time he and BULLY Ray went down. It's a collision course of destruction. Twelve years ago, we changed this business forever. It was like they were in Oz and saw pretty colors and would become superstars and make millions of dollars, but no, that was only a figment of their imagination because they didn't have the talent/sobriety.

So now, because they're old and bitter and intoxicated, they're going to stab FOURTUNE in the back, but in the other direction facing them. BULLY Ray couldn't have jibbered it better himself if he were drunk, but he wants to really know if AJ Styles is here, but of course he not, and you know why he powerbombed him? Cos he can. He been walking around with a chip on his shoulder for 20 years, and nobody knocked it off yet, cos he's fat, I mean cos they're afraid of him. And back in Hell's Kitchen his uncle Vito said if you want something out of them, you make them an uawfuh they can't refuse, and totally not because he saw that from a movie.

This brings outFOURTUNE. They just run in to beat up on the heels. It ends up with Robert Roode and Ric Flair in the ring alone, with Roode beating up on the old man. The lights suddenly turn red, and to no music or fanfare at all, ABYSS comes from that big-ass hole Immortal buried him in to beat up on the faces. I smell six man tag match at Lockdown! Also, fat people.

Backstae after commercial, Abyss talks to the camera guy while walking down a hall. BOYS, he say, LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING, MONSTERS ARE NOT IN YOUR CLOSET, MONSTERS ARE NOT UNDERNEATH YOUR BED. THIS MONSTER IS IN YOUR FACE AND I'M COMIN TO GET YEEWW. HUR!

Hernandez comes out with Sarita and Rosita and some random guy who they call EL ANARCHIA! He drags out something on the microphone that... sounds vaguely Spanish, but I know SPanish, and that was... incoherent. Hernandez says day by day, one by one, WE are taking over! We're taking your jobs, your women, and most importantly, your money! Because we ARE the superior race! YAY RACISM! Y no hai nada que puede hacer! says one of the females. They look the same to me. Sarita quiere dice que vosotros sono Mejicanos y esta conquistando su pais. My Spanish is starting to be warped by Italian.

Soon you gringos will stop worshipping THIS---American Flag drops---and START worshipping THIS!---bigger Mexican flag drops. Because everyone loves tap water grotesquely polluted, crippling poverty, and drug cartels ruling the streets. Y se Matt Morgan tiene los huevos, va a accepot their challenge? Matt Morgan instantly comes out, with DEVON DEADLY! Fresh off his Bully Ray Burial. They accept, and run down t teh ring.

Matt Morgan and Devon Deadly vs Hernandez and ANARCHIA

They pop Hernandez out of the ring and Devon fights with the other guy in the ring, until Devon clotheslines him out, and goes to brawl with him on the outside while Morgan and Hernandez fight inside now. OH NOESSZ MORGAN HAS JEANS ON! Hey, remember when Morgan was feuding with FOURTUNE and such? TNA doesn't. And it wasn't even two or three months ago. Morgan clotheslines Hernandez out, and Rosita and Sarita grap the white and black guy and yell at them and such. Velvet Sky then runs down to beat up on the women since Spike TV is racist and sexist. They beat up on Velvet Sky and the men just ignore it because Spike TV is racist and sexist.

But now Angelina Love comes staggering down like she's drunk. Winter then appears behind her and screams ANGELINA!!! and then motions for Angelina to stagger back up to her all slowly and such. Mike Tenay said it was her INSTINCT to come and help Velvet. Drunkenly slugging down the ramp sure don't look like INSTINCT to me. She and Winter just leave, and in the ring ANARCHIA pops Devon in the head and pinwins.

WINNAR: Mejico

And they apparently just give up on that whole Winter thing and such. Commercials, then MATCH!

Ink inc w/ Jobber non-entrance vs Crimson and Big "Puppapuh" Scott Steiner

Jay Bee's drunken pronounciation, not mine. Steiner starts with Jesse Neal, and Steiner punches him down, then kicks him in a corner, then punches on him. More punching, then a knee in the gut. OBLIGATORY USS COLE REFERENCE! Scott Steiner then with his only move, belly to belly suplex on Nealius, and chop him some. Then an elbow thing into pushups on Jesse Neal. Now The Amazing Crimson tagged in. Double riish whip and double generic shoulderblock. Crimson now with a big front suplex thing on him and pin gets 2.

Jesse Neal gets irish whipped, then booted, and Shannon Moore just comes in without being tagged in, and gets buried by The Amazing Crimson and such. A count of five has passed and the referee hasn't counted or done shit, but Moore wasn't tagged in, he's disqualified.

WINNAR: Scott Steiner and The Amazing Crimson

Sorry, but being stupid doesn't mean the rules don't apply. Despite that the match should be over, they keep fighting, with Moore caught in midair and done with a RED ALERT by Crimson, and they pinwin anyway.

Jesse Neal shakes hands with the winnar,s and Shannon Moore has a hissy fit, and throws Steiner's chainmail at him. I'll spare you the painfully stupid details; Inkinkg is breaking up soon. Boy there is a LOT of cursing.

Video package for shithead and Rob Van Dam. Then commercials, and MATCH TIEM~!

Rob Van Dam vs Anderson

Fuck you.

WINNAR: Rob Van Dam

Anderson, being the fucking retard, beat up Sting and got disqualified.

After commercials, it's NOT OVAR! Rob Van Dam backstage talking to cameraguy saying he's... he's pretending to be concussed. He's like I GOT A MATCH TONIGHT WHERE'S HULK HOGAN? HURRDURR HUH? It looks like he' sfacing Sting for the championship. He says TONIGHT? I GOTTA... I GOTTA GET READY. Hurrdurr. Apparently he got mic checked into the ringpost. WHEN?! He demands. And the bell rung. The guy questioning mocks him like Yeah, you got your bell rung, you're completely out of it.

So now the face of TNA, the ASSHOLE ANDERSON has badly concussed someone. Wow. What a company, TNA. Anderson justifies himself by saying he's a wrestler. Chris Benoit wnats to have a word with you. IN HELL.

Sting says he don't know who rang the bell. Anderson then comes to be a retard with Sting, and is apparently a fucking retard thinking Sting DID ring the bell even though Sting was busy brawling with him or something. Security and AL SNOW AND D'LO BROWN break them up. Because he's a fucking piece of shit nogood motherfucker, Anderson mockingly Shouts WHO RANG THE BELL HUH? THE FRICKIN WIZARD OF OZ, HUH?

TNA YAY: I was fantastic this week. I was just fucking fantastic.

TNA BOO: TNA is terrible.

TNA WTF: A racist storyline involving Mexicans "invading" the US and takin' er jubbsz, and a storyline involving the BABYFACE giving someone a concussion and not giving a shit. After he got a legit concussion himself, LIED HIS ASS OFF about being medically cleared, and a whole concussion controversy FLOODED THE FUCKING WRESTLING WORLD NOT EVEN A FEW MONTHS AGO!

Go play on my fucking Twitter Captain Halo

Feedback if you fucking want: phenomynouss@hotmail.com

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Andariel Halo is a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. She can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. She translates ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees. Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, Andy once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. Children trust her. She knows the exact location of every dairy item in the supermarket. She has performed covert operations for the CIA. She's in bed every day, but sleeps once a week, OH! The laws of physics do not apply to her. One time, she shot her friend in the back of the head with a BB gun, and placed all blame on him.

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TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).