Home | Columns & Rants | Satire | Entertainment | Media | Archives | Forum

 

TNA IMPACT
REPORT
(03/22/10)
by ANDARIEL HALO

With ratings that get beaten by reruns of WWE RAW AM and Velocity re-runs on WGN 4am, it's TNA iMPACT NOW ON MONDAYS!

And what better way to celebrate mediocrity than Eric Bischoff with a baseball hat playing the guitar all chicano-style, meng?! What the fuck is this shit? You want Mexy flamenco music, go to-go to- Japan or whatever, we're here for AMERICAN music! Or wrestling. Sometimes there's both.

And boy can this chicano play. Or as they said in my advanced guitar classes: "GUITAR ONE HERO!" Which if you don't know (AND YOU DON'T) means the pretentious ass who takes beginning guitar class (Guitar I) and then starts showing off to girls their Guitar I skills. And they got laid, AND WE DIDN'T, BUT WHO CARES BECAUSE WE WERE GUITAR IV ADVANCED SMUG BASTARDS!

Also, ONE guy in the crowd lit a lighter and held it up. So Eric talks about him being a CLASSICALLY TRAINED MUSICIAN--guitar I hero--and practiced until his fingers bled--got a blister and cried and went home for the week's session--and whines and condemns Jarrett using a guitar to beat people with. So he calls out Jeff Jarrett to see if he can play the guitar or if it's a silly prop. He figures if he can do it, so can Jeff Jarrett. Why sure, if Kerry King can noodle a guitar solo using three fingers---one on his right, two on his left---then surely -I- could do it! I can do anything Slayer can do!

Jeff Jarrett appears, looking all angry and awkward and such. BishAWFF is rather shocked (which I learned just now is a contraction of "shitcocked") Jeff actually came out. Jarrett is so pink, he's... well, he's pink. Like as pink as Hogan is orange. Bischoff wonders if he's getting angry, and urges him to play the guitar. Then decides maybe if he can't play, then he should be able to sing and dance. DOUBLE J YAY.

Jarrett just angrily smugs at him, and Bischoff things he doesn't have the proper mineral sedimentation formations to do so. He then tells him not to turn his back on him, and dares him, propmting him to ANGRILY snatch the guitar away. He then lifts it as though to hit him with it, but stops. Then he gets it as though to smack him with it, but loads of hesitating and stuff. Bischoff mockingly quivers and flinches and stuff, then smugs it up with a smile.

Jarrett, clearly the loser of this engagement, slumps and puts the guitar down. Bischoff then says he knew Jarrett didn't have the guts, so the best thing Jarrett could do right now is to go hoem and tell his little girls that he did not properly accumulate mineral sedimentation formations. I pretty much figured he'd do this, but inc ase you're a retard, Jarrett comes back in, gets the guitar, and shatters it on Bischoff's head. Also, some idiot in the crowd has a Jeff Jarrett sign that is mispelled. Only one T.

We get a replay of what just happened, WITHOUT a commercial interruption! How lucky are we?

Backstage Mick Foley applauds Jeff, and they hug. MEANWHILE BACK IN THE RING, the bald guy is still motionless.

Random Commercial-area Thoughts: H

HOW LUCKY ARE WE? We get ANOTHER replay of what just happened. Also, no intro video? Bischoff staggers about in the ring, and looks around and staggers around some more before getting on the microphone and saying Jarrett has CROSSED THE LINE (LULZ!) then says he and Mick Foley both Crossed The Line. Except he was supposedly out of it until now, how the fuck does he know Jarrett and Foley were backstage all cahooting together?

Silly neegrow, you honestly expected logic and reason from TNA?

He then says he COULD fire them, but they were both hired before he was, so he can't, but he'll fire them somehow. Well, not really. He says he make Jeff Jarrett and Mick Fohly will fight, and he doesn't give a damn who wins and who loses because whoever loses is fired and whoever wins is gonna be his bitch.

Backstage, Foley's like "That was a shortlived celebration" and Jarrett is ANGRY, saying it's his own fault, and Foley's like it's both of our faults!

Meanwhile, in a rare moment of retrospective, THE PROFESSOR OF FAILURE Mike Tenay recounts how before January, Jeff Jarrett and Mick Foley were decision makers in TNA. So tonight, one of them will be fired.

And now, for something completely different.

The Horrible People and Daffney vs Who knows

Honestly, I don't know. Tara randomly appeared in the ring literally out of nowhere, and Daffney made like she was going to stomp on the tarantula, and then they all started beating on her. Then more people came out.

Random Commercial-area Thoughts: Look what I made a while ago:

When we come back, suddenly there's a tag match, with Suriduh and Taylor Wilde as tag team partners for Tarantula. Now Taylor Wilde wrassles with Velvet Sky some, and tags in Sarita to knee her, then headlock, which is called "unique" and "luchador" style by The Taz. Lacey Von Erech ends up in, and he does some stuff I couldn't, but overall no real wrestling. She then tags in Madison Rayne, and Sarita tags in Tara so she can slingshot legdrop her.

Tarantula then headlocks her, because she's old and can't wrestle anymore. A bunch of running around, then Daffney elbows her in the head. Clearly hating Tarantula, the face girls intentionally distract the referee so the heel girls can beat her down. Then they pin gets 2, and Daffney gets tagged in and stands over her in a perfect position to be cuntpunted or choked. Tarantula chooses a choke, because lifting her leg would take too much energy. Velvet Sky gets tagged in and she kicks up and down Tarantula, who invokes her "I'M OOOOLD!" card and no-sells some stuff, but they play "4v1 raargh" and gang up on her, but then all the other girls rush in, and the tag team rules become ignored as Angelina Love becomes legal person for no reason.

From behind, Velvet Sky attacks her and DDTs her, then poses. Taylor Wilde then grabs her for a Northern Light's suplay, then Madison Rayne breaks it up and starts wrassling her. Notice how no one has tagged anyone else now. Sarita then double-underhook powerbombs her, then Lacey Von Erich comes in to chokeslam her, then Tarantula appears behind her to do a Widow's Peak. Daffney then ambushes her from behind to do whatever her finisher thing is. People are somehow chanting TNA, even though this entire portion just became a "let's run in and do our finishers one by one on each other"

WINNARSZ: The Horrible People + Horrible Person for a Day that one time a few weeks ago

Daffney takes the Tarantula and leaves, undoubtedly to rape her up some. Or you could bestiality-fetishize it and think she took the real tarantula.

Speaking of stuff, here be AJ Styles with a crutch and arm cast, and Ric Flair in a wheelchair, who rolls around squealing all around. Wrestling blasphemy: What's Ric Flair's appeal? Or to be more fair, what's his appeal from 2000 on?

Random Commercial-area Thoughts: If you define cowardice as running away at the first sign of danger, screaming and tripping and begging for mercy, then yes, Mr. Brave man, I guess I'm a coward.

Recap of stuff that happened LAST NIGHT at DESTINATION SEX AND THE MOTOR GUNS WINNING THE ONLY ULTIMATE SEX MATCH. Also, Chris Parks Hulk Hoganed a bunch and had random patches of red and yellow on him. Hulk Hogan restarted the match after it got screwyobbed, with Earl Hebber in the referee, and Chokeslammed AJ Styles THROUGH the mat. Then Desmond Fail, being the fucking failure he is, just falls into the hole. Then Ric Flair gets sprayed in the face with mace and keels over into it.

Meanwhile in real lifeish, here be Chris Parks and the other guy. Forgot his name. They come to the ring, and it's not until now I realize the other guy is Hulk Hogan. How could I forgottened?

So he thinks like it sounds like he and his Chris Parkamaniacs got TNA on fire, despite him losing yesterday. Lewsur. He mentions stuff and talks about stuff being personal, and how Eric Bischoff not understanding that, and he vows to his fans and Dixie Carter that he will get this company back on track, and it will start.... at TNA LOCKDOWN! Good job, setting your sights so low knowing you can't do shit to get TNA on track in the immediate future.

Is it just me that two hours have passed and I've only gotten through half an hour of this? YES IT IS: TNA IS SO AWESOME, IT LASTS LONGER THAN IT DOES!

Chris Parks squeals about what he did on Sunday and all like how it was then he realized he's not just Chris Parks---he's a sack of shit without his ringu to make him all powerful and such. He admits he didn't win the title, but he won something so full of worth, it's worthless: his self-respect! So at TNA Lockdown, he's COMIN TA GET YOU~! OOOOH YEEEAH! He then essentially threatens to kill AJ by saying he won't need any crutches or wheelchairs, but a mortician. I'm calling the police right now. I even know your real name CHRIS PARKS you faggot.

So Ric Flair's shitty generic music plays, and he gets strolled out on his wheelchair, with his head wiggling around like he hears music in his head that isn't what is playing. He then squeals at Hogan and Chris Parks and how at TNA Lockdown, it will take place in St Louis, in the middle of Ric Flair country, and they won't die because they are not mortals, they are Wrestling Gods, or as Ric Flair calls them "GADS!GADS!GADS!GADS!"

AJ gets on the microphone to squeal as well, talking about Hulk Hogan screwing the match up and Chris Parks crippling him. Ric Flair squeals some, then, literally colored purple/pink. He says the team captain for Team Flair is some guy called "STEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEING"

Whoever this guy is, he's apparently going to be played by Sting, as his music hits and the arnea goes dark... for an inordinately long period of time. When we return, Sting is sitting on a turnbuckle, Hulk Hogan has TWO HANDCUFFS handcuffing him to the ropes in the opposite corner, and AJ Styles is in the ring and smashes CHris Parks with the crutch. He then starts stomping on him and such, while people chant RVD, and His Holy Music hits!

The Popeness comes in to beat on AJ Styles, elbowing him and such, and doing some His Holy Dancing, causing AJ to flinch into Hogan's boot. His Holy Darkness then does an Elijah Express, and unlocks the cuffs of Hogan's, since he's black, you know, so he always has some bit of metal as a lockpick handy. They all pose, and Ric Flair freaks out, and tries to wheelchair himself out as fast as he can. So Hogan helps him up the ramp quickly, then turns him around, and rolls him down the ramp so Chris Parks can suckerpunch him.

Oh come on, that's so low! Beating on a cripple? Of course it had to be that one of them was black. His Holy Darkness then does what I once did to a stripper, and stuffs a 20 dollar bill into Ric Flair's mouth.

Also, AJ Styles really recovered from that leg thing, didn't he.

Random Commercial-area Thoughts: I once stuffed a 20 dollar bill into a stripper's mouth.

Speaking of drugs, here be Jeff Harvey, Rob Van Dam, and MiniGoldust entering the arena. The redhead interviews them, and Jeff Hardy mentions his druggy shirt. They then leave, and out of nowhere, TOMKO is in the ring.

TNA Global Squash Match Big Roid Terry vs Tyson Tomko w/ FAAAATNESS w/o Entrance

The fuck you think.

WINNAR: Big Roid

That was less than 2 minutes, too. We get a replay of what happened with Jarrett and the guitar, for no reason at all. Or maybe for this reason: Mick Foley walks backstage with his music playing in the background, and Jeff Jarrett walks backstage with -no- music playing in the background!

Random Commercial-area Thoughts:

And because people just don't seem to get/care/Russo-fied booking, here be Beer Money as the HEEL SPECIAL GUEST REFEREESZ! cos they're supposed to be heels. Now we get a long video package involving Foley and Jarrett these past few months. It's overly long.

Backstage, Jay Bee intarviews Jeff Jarreyy and Mick Foley TOGETHAR! Foley has this to say: He's talked a time or two about walking away from TNA, and if it happens, he will walk away of his own accord rather than be fired. He then says he was thinking about ways to force BishAWFF out of TNA when he was doing BishAWFF's mangy shit. Jarrett says part of his pride is TNA pride and they both deserve to be here and to stay here. Mick Foley doesn't want it on his head that he forced out the founder of TNA, so he'll go out and wrassle and such. Jarrett says he was on the outs around here for a few months and Mick Foley instilled in him the passion back in him so he owes it to the fans and to you to wrassle or whatever.

Mick Foley vs Jeff Jarrett w/ Video w/o Music

When the match begins, they shake hands and James Storm is referee in the ring and Rick Roode is referee out the ring. I mention that because that's the only notable thing that has happened thus far. The other two guys just push on each other. Somewhat ironically, someone holds up a sign with "RAW" on it vertically, acronym for "REALLY AWFUL WRESTLING". See? Because what's happening in the ring now is really awful wrestling! OH HO HOOO!

Headlock by Jarrett on Foley. Foley shoots him off out of the side headlock then drops him with a side elbow and pin gets 2. Some stuff later, Foley puts on a backslide gets 2. He then punchies him up and such. Then he tries a submission on the ropes by Swift just puts his hands all over him to break it up. More punchies on Jarreyy. He tried for a Double arm DDT but Jarrett tried for a stroke, then Rick Rude grabbed Jarrett's leg when Foley tossed him away. Why? This accomplished nothing at all except for cheap heat. RUSSO BOOKING!

So they start brawling outside. Very slowly. HERE TO GENERATE CONTROVERSY CREATES CASH, ERIC BISCHOFF COMING OUT WITH AN ICE PACK!

Random Commercial-area Thoughts: The crotchety boss's daughter is a slut

When we come back, Jarrett and Foley are fighting on the top of the ramp and Bischoff is on the commentator's table. Then he suplays him on the entrance ramp. Bischoff doesn't care who wins. Now Robert Rude is the referee in the ring and James Swift is referee out the ring. This is important, see? A pin attempt on Mick Foley remains an attempt for it did not succeed. Bischoff said he could just FedEx their firing stuff, but he can save $19.95 and have a match going on like this.

Foley pins but Jarrett puts his leg on the bottom rope and the referees stop. Mick Foley then gets a sock and puts it on his forearm so that when Jeff Jarrett turns about he becomes grasped in the face with it. Foley then turns it into a cockinaclutch-Mandible Claw move. Jarrett elbows him in the face, while Eric Bischoff states that TNA started January 4th, 2010. Jarrett strokes off Foley and pinfalls.

WINNAR: Frank Garrett. Duncan Construction. Do what?

Jeff Jarrett pretends to cry in the turnbuckle and Mick Foley slides across to him to hug him. A small portion of the crowd sings for Foley. Foley throws his sock into the crowd and shakes hands with Garrett. Eric Bischoff then waves bye to him and wishes him luck in his future endeavours, but is thinking stuff, so he gets on the microphone and tells Beer Money to give Double J a taste of his own medicine. Said medicine involves kicking him a bunch. I call shenanigans! In no way is kicking someone a legitimate medicinal thing.

Eric Bischoff, showing just how much he cares about the backstage guys, dances to Jeff Harvey's music all like "oh yeah" before realizing it's Jeff Harvey and Rob Van Dam when he runs out to save Jeff Jarrett. Rob Van Dam gets on the microphone, all like "Meer Bunny" and says this man is Jeff Hardy, and of course this man is Rob Van Dam. They're just looking to have some fun.... OOOON WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEED! And they thought about what fun they could have... bouncing those two goofballs around in the ring. So thes eguys are obviously looking for some actio-YINTERESTED?!

Random Commercial-area Thoughts: To make an arbitrary story gross, that stripper dug her hand in her panties, then pulled them out and flicked fluids onto us.

When we come back, we get a replay of what happened moments ago with Mick Foley being stroked off into a lose with TNA. Hope to see him debut in WWE as... Nick Goley! Or whatever. Shut up! Backstage, securitah follows him as he wanders around backstage saying goodbye to the faces and hugging Chris Parks and Jay Bee. AND HERE BE BUBBA THE LOVE SPUNGE, TO A CHORUS OF BOOS, TO INTARVIEW MICK FOLEY! Foley says Bubba would be the very last person he'd want to talk to, so Bubba says don't let the door hit his ass on the way out, old timer, so Foley spins around, and smashes his face with an elbow in while yammering something, then saying "BANGBANG!" and leaving.

MEANWHILE AT HOGAN'S OFFICE! Eric Bischoff comes in to put his feet up on the desk and Hogan is not amused! Bischoff considered Foley a distraction and now he's gone. Again. This being the second time Bischoff's fired him in TNA alone. He's all ahppy and stuff, and now this tag match thing mentioned before will actually be happening later, as opposed to back when they were all conveniently in the ring and ready.

Speaking of Meer Bunny, here's them being intarviewed by the redhead. Roberty Roode says it was all to put them first, and James Swift has to bash your face in with completely unsubtle insinuations that they are, in fact, heels! He then apologizes for the truly unfortunate and perhaps divinely condemned fortunes of theirs.

Random Commercial-area Thoughts: To make a gross story grosser, and to quote Anvil Swagbag obscure story, there's ALWAYS a carrot!

Jay Bee here to INTARVIEW Jeff Harvey and Rob Van Dam, and Harvey is literally painting his face right there, and contributes his own name to RVD's arbitrary promo.

Speaking of promo, here's a video recap of the COMPLETELY FORSEEABLE BREAKUP of Matthias Morganite and Hot Stuff Hernandez, in preparation of the match they have tonight against each other.

Also, it's now.

Matt Morgan (C) vs Hernandez (C)

Mid-introduction for Morgan, Hernandez ambushes him, does Morgan's taunt for the pyro, and they start fighting and Hernandez tosses Morganite into the ring and then they get in for the match to start, with him PAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAOOOOUNCCCCUHHHing him. They then end up outside the ring, brawling some, and Hernandez brawls on him. Some more brawling follows and now Hernandez brawls him on the stairs and such and Morganite is bleeding mouthily from all the brawling.

Morganite ends up in the ring, drops to his knees, and begs for mercy. Super Spic boots him because he is Super and he is Spiccy. He then uses his shirt to toss him across the ring. Disqualification he using his shirt! HE DOES IT AGAIN! DISQUALIFY HIM YOU BALD BASTARD REF! Well despite Morganite already winning this by disqualification, they keep brawling, and Hernando splashes him up a bit until Morganite tosses him out of the ring and they roll around all in pain and such until Super Spic clotheslines a turnbuckle.

For some reason I thought it was a good idea to skip ahead some, and I end up missing something. No fucking idea why I did that. I blame you, CHARLES! So what happened is Hernandez had his head against the turnbuckle, and Morganite carbons his head into a fossil. Loads of closeups on some ugly people in the crowd, the referee does the X symbol, and the inevitable happens.

WINNAR: Matt Morgan

Perhaps to sell this as OMFG TOTALLY REAL AWESOME LEGIT, Homicide comes out from the six foot hole he'd been buried in to OMFG NOSELL the feud he had with Hernandez before! Commercials happen and when we come back, Hernandez is about to be carted out of here by EMTs... and more commercials?

After MORE commercials which came after literally a few seconds of NO ACTION, we get backstage where Hogan is seeing teh ambulance off. 0.9 rating, all. OWEN VOICES for the commentators, and FOR GOOD REASON! This is a sad occasion... I accidentally scratched myself, and my left-hand pinky dug into the flesh of the bottom of my right-hand pinky into the joint-area, and now I'm bleeding a little.

Speaking of sad occasions, Scott Hall took off his shirt last night. Also, the referee held Kevin Nash twice and the referee didn't even bother disqualifying the nWo for spraypainting Eric Young's face. Oh yeah, and Kevin Nash turned on Young and joined the nWo again. Did anyone NOT see that coming? I SURE DIDN'T! HOLY COW SURPRISE!

Now time for this stuff.

Beer Money vs Rob Van Dam and Jeff

It starts off with Jeff Hardy and Jeff Storm, and they punchies up, and Harvey FRIGGS OUT when he's punched in the guts, because he's stoned or whatever. He baseball slides under Roode and trip shim up. He then takes Storm and dorps him back onto Roode on the outside. Then, because that was just so much, dudeyobro, he pulls out a ladder and positions it against the apron and the barricade.

Random Commercial-area Thoughts:

Random Commercial-area Thoughts:

Okay, I can't think... and Michael Tenay said "WE'RE GONNA STICK WITH IT TO THE CONCLUSION" with thi smatch three times. Once before the first commercial break, again before the next commercial break 6 seconds later, and again when they came back from the second commercial break. So there's some WRAAAAASSLIIIING occurring, but come on, you came to see Harvey do that stuff what with the facepaint and ladders. He does an inverted Atomic Dorp, then the leg nuts drop thing.

Exciting exciting exhuberance offense as The Taz says. Roode makes a save and RVD had enough of ROODE and such, but TENAY JUST RECEIVED WORD THAT NEXT WEEK TARA VS DAFFNEY IN A FIRST BLOOD MATCH. Meanwhile, wrestling. Harvey crashed and burned in a corner, which is totally not an unfamiliar position for him. VINTAGE BEER MONEY here with keeping Hardy in the corner away from Rob Clod Van Dam. Harvey gradually tries to beat his way out but Swifticles just standing Rock Bottoms him down, then tags in Roode, who OMFG STEALS RVD's taunt for MEGA ULTRA MOMENTUM, then chokes up Jeff Harvey, and rather than use a special, fills his Siganature Move slot so he can chinlock Harvey.

BUT WITHOUT THE MAX MOMENTUM, Harvey can break out and attack, but he gets put down with a high angle spinebuster. James Swift then gets tagged in to play with Harvey and headlocks him in the middle of it while Harvey NOSELLS THAT SHIT DAWG and gets out to run around, then OMFG double crossbody Jonestown spot thing.

I was paying attention, so I can tell you what happens: DRAMATIC WRESTLING! I think this is the only wrestling matcho f the night, so it's only fair that I tell you I totally missed the past 2-3 minutes of it because I was jacking around (not literally) and doing almost nothing. The Taz recounts how he has blocked many of RVD's kicks with his face. THAT'S SO COOLSOUNDING I'MMA DO IT AT HOME!

Rob Van Dam did a splitlegged moonsautlt on Roodey, but somehow tag team rules are being counted now so the referee does not count his pin attempt, and so Beer Money double suplay Harvey, then RVD tries to beat them but gets catapulted into a Storm DDT. Pin gets 2 and RVD Rolling Thoonda's one of them so JHeff Harvey can Kenton bomb them and win.

WINNAR: Sid Hardy (don't ask---that's what the announcer said) and Rob Van Dam

Speaking of totally random and arbitrary nonsense, here be Eric Young to run into the ring as the good guys are celebrating! Eric Young says next week live on iMPACT! They gonna have a six man tag: nWo vs Eric Young and Jeff Harveyt and Rob Clod Van Dam. Loads of posing and such.

TNA YAY!: The main event was an actual match, something of a rarity on TNA

TNA BOO!: I dunno. Everything else, I guess.

TNA WTF?: John Malkovich is an actor

You've just been Halonic Death Ray'd, and like I say every week, if I'm not back within two or three weeks, consider me dead.

Feedback if you want: phenomynouss@hotmail.com

Andariel Halo is a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. She can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. She translates ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees. Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, Andy once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. Children trust her. She knows the exact location of every dairy item in the supermarket. She has performed covert operations for the CIA. She's in bed every day, but sleeps once a week, OH! The laws of physics do not apply to her. One time, she shot her friend in the back of the head with a BB gun, and placed all blame on him.

SEND FEEDBACK TO ANDARIEL HALO 

Bookmark and Share

TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).