TNA IMPACT RANT
March 17, 2011
About last week...
See, I had said that TNA's Sting 2/28/11 thing was so incredibly bushleague in its ripoff of WWE that it made the company look like utter shit without much effort. Then TNA does something like this:
And it's just... beyond bushleague. It's INCREDIBLE! It's possibly the greatest wrestling pay per view I've nEVER seen since Victory Road 09 and December to Dismember 06.
It takes nothing to tell a strung-out junkie "you're out, you blew it, you're gone", but it takes some SERIOUS force of epic will to say to that junkie, "Go on out there and wrestle" and then have to cut it short because he's blown up just staggering to the ring. That is some Heroes of Wrestling stuff. Utterly fucking BRILLIANT! The best I've never seen until it was put on Youtube.
And it was SO SUBTLE, too! Hardy just sort of stumping down to the ring was so unbelievably subtle, it could have been just his regular self coming down sober. THAT'S HOW SUBTLE IT IS! Are they implying that Hardy MIGHT be stoned out of his head? Or are they implying that maybe Hardy is ALWAYS stoned out of his head?
I should have prefaced by saying that my wrestling nickname is "Disillusioned Smark" and I love wrestling the way a pyromaniac loves setting shit on fire and watching it crumble.
Speaking of shock and awe, this week's episode ACTUALLY BEGINS WITH LIVE STUFF as Sting comes down, instead of a boring bland recap of last week's shenanigans, stuff with the PPV, then backstage bullshit, then IMMORTAL coming down to smug it up.
Sting even got his own REAL TNA championship belt that looks like a real life legit championship belt, except for the "TNA" lettering on it. Sting say he been waiting too long now to get this off his chest, so before this show, before HOGAN'S SHOW gets started, Hogan and Bischoff, he wants them to come here and face him right now, or the show's NOT gonna start. My guess; he's gonna chastise them for sending a strung-out junkie to face him last Sunday.
Hogan struts out with Bischoff. Sting says this little Crayola belt is all that is left of Jeff Harvey---HARDY! you can do what you want with it, Hulk. Hogan takes it, and chucks it out the ring. $10,000 right there. Could've gone on to feed Shark Boy for another 3 years. He wants Hogan to explain to him how he can destroy a career, take Hardy's bright shining light and dim it to the blackest of blacks. He says the first time Jeff came here, he shook Sting's hand cos he was excited to be here, a different person from the one he saw two weeks ago or something.
The fact of the matter is SHOOTY TIEM Jeff is a grown man and makes his own choices and he chose a road that lead him to a dead-end and it's nobody's fault but Jeff's. And Matt for being an enabler. And whoever in TNA thought it was a good idea to hire a junkie and let him perform stoned. But it didn't matter to Hogan and Bischoff, say Sting. It was all about teh money and greeeeed and such, the influence they had over Jeff and the rest of Immortalia.
He painted a picture not even reeeal, Hulk. There may not be a whole lot he could do for Jeff Hardy now, but he can do a whole lot for the 50 or so superstars back there who hunger (because TNA pays them just enough to wipe their asses with toilet paper and sleep in a bed not made of hay or paper), who have talent, and who are ready to go (straight to WWE if the contract was offered).
Hogan says HE GETS IT, he's Johnny-come-lately, on, off, come, go, return, what? None of which made sense. Who are you, Sting? I mean, you coming here trying to blame Eric Bischoff and I for the EMBARASSMENT JEFF HARDY caused IMMORTAL at Victory Road? You know, it's Jeff Hardy that let Immortal down, bruther, it's not Immortal that left Jeff Hardy down. But if you wanna talk gospel, bruther, sellin out buildings all over the world, slammin giants, both are mythic fantasies for TNA.
Hardy's shortcomings were what was responsible for his downfall. It was his own fault. Jeff screwed Jeff. Even Matt Hardy is at the top of his game! HURRDURR But hold on, Sting wants to be the savior! He talks about 50 guys in the back, he wants to lord over them with the whole evil reign of Hulk Hogan? Well the deal Sting better make is to worry about saving his own ass because IMMORTAL is in control, and ever since he came back 2 weeks ago and took total 110% of this shithole company, Hogan's cellphone has been ringing off the hook, Jack, with past-their-prime ex-WCW ex-WWE guise wanting to main event this old people-fest.
Sting wants to know if his phone is ringing off the hook, he wnats to know WHERE IS THEY? Cos all he sees behind him is a couple of punks. Genericized Sabu music hits, and BULLY Ray comes out all angrypants at Sting and such. BULLY Ray says I been ringing his phone uawf tha hook. He's been wiating for this opportunity, and make no mistake there would be no wrestling business today if it wasn't for Hulk Hogan. He is the be-all and end-it-all, and that burns Sting's ass. Like a... sting.
Sting is a costar, he says and if anyone knows about costars its him dragging around Devon. And he remembers how he first saw Sting and looked in his eyes and thought wow, he's got jealousy running through him, he's so jealous, etcetera. Sting, you're selfish, it's not about those guys in the back, it's about you. In your entire career you vcould never one-up Hulk Hogan and so that's why you came back.
Hulk, Eric, Bully Ray would consider it an honor and a privilege to be a part of IMMORTAL, because it just doesn't scream nWo 1998 enough, and he will take out this decrepit dinosaur right here. Oh, he means Sting. He takes two steps to the left, two steps to the right, he'll never be out of this man's shadow. NEVURRR. Hogan says don't even waste your time on that piece of garbage, you want a title shot, bruther?
Some random generic music hits, and FOURTUNE comes out. Hey, remember them? I don't. Who the fuck are they. Commercials later, FOURUTNE is in the ring, and AJ Styles says there are four men in this ring who go by the name FOURTUNE and they got Sting's back one hundred percent, and totally not with AJ Styles wanting to shitkick him for the title. Not even. AJ says BULLY Ray wanted to be a singles wrestler and such, but instead he got a partner for the past 15 years that carried the load, because without Devon, there would be no tag team titles.
AJ Styles, I'm pretty sure there was a tag team belt before the Dudley Boys. I'm pretty sure there's at least the Road Warriors. Bully Ray wants to smack the silver spoon out of AJ Styles' mouth, and if it wasn't for Dixie Carter wiping their ass for eight years, he'd prolly be out on the streets. STOP SHOOTING, LOMONACO! Meanwhile BULLY Ray Deadly, he was a 23 time tag team champion, and if it weren't for Devon, he could claim one of those belts to be 23 time world champion~!
Now he's sorry for the interruption, now it's tiem to talk about his title shot, and AJ slaps him. This brings out Anderson music. He stumps in all frumpy and smug. He then shitheads it up by acting all like an announcer saying this is the portion of the show where the gutterslime asks WHERE'S MY FRICKIN REMATCH and such, and Hogan says, you know, you really are a white trash piece of shit. Anderson shitheads it up, even taking a bump, and saying that he IS a fuckass, and he lives it and such.
Hogan wants to tell him something; you're fired. I wish. He says you can't even beat RVD, so I guess you're just out of the mix. He says for your information, RVD couldn't beat me either, so it's your call TERENCE!
Bischoff says he got an idea, see if you kick his ass now, they'll enjoy it, HOWEVER THE NETWORK starring Peter Finch and Faye Dunaway have been on his ashhole for the past few weeks, so let's make this a FOUR WAY match thing. Shitfuck says NO, and Hogan says we can, and we just did, hit my damn music.
Backstage, KURT ANGLE arrives! Cameraguy says HEY KURT, how ya doin', and ANgle says goood how ya doin. He's bringing in a big-ass present, FOR THE NEWLYWEDS Karen and Jeff.
Elsewhere, AJ Styles comes in to find Rob Van Dam! He's sure he's aware of the four way match they have which was just announced out in the ring where Rob Van Dam was standing there actively taking part in the discussion. After what Jeff Hardy pulled last Sunday, you think RVD gonna risk coming to work stoned? Fuck yes he is. AJ Styles says RVD knows this guy better than anyone, can't be trusted. Then, BULLY Ray doing anything he can to be a part of Immortal, and AJ needs somebody to watch his back, so he'll watch RVD's back. Rob Van says OF COURSE cos we have such a beautiful history together, right? Sarcasm is lost upon AJ Styles!
This is a number one contender thing, so fuck you TNA ORiginal AJ Styles, ex-WWE ex-ECW washed-up hasbeen needs to regain HIS title he never lost! How many fucking people "never lost" this belt? Just him? It feels like four more.
TNA Knockouts Championship Open Challenge
Alissa Flash (?) vs Madison Rayne (C)
WINNAR: Madison Rayne
Mickie James is like YOU PRIDE yourself on being a fightin' champion, so FIGHT ME! What you got to lose? Her championship? Or what, does no one give a shit about that even among the women? Madison Rayne says fuck you, unless you can make it worth my while, because you're boring and I'm sick of you. Madison Rayne wants it ALL! She wants Mickie's trademark, her flowing auburn locks. I.. I'm pretty sure that's not Mickie James' trademark. Ah, I didn't go there, though. I still need to keep this mildly classy, fuckshit.
She wants to humiliate her, by shaving her head.
Meanwhile, backstage, HIS HOLY DARKNESS is preparing his hustlin' show! He's prepping his fake-victims to be HEALED including a fake blind man, a real fat woman, and a fake cripple. I'm sure there's a very bad reason TNA is spoiling this for us now.
Speaking of bad reasons, we come back to Anderson Anderson screaming in Hogan's face in his office. That sort of childish behavior doesn't even need to be dignified with anything more.
In the ring now is the Pope with his travelling freak show! I sure hope they at least hoisted the wheelchair guy into the ring to maintain the illusion for the crowd. There's a strong line between being stupid and having poor judgement and just not caring, and once TNA reaches into "just not caring" territory... it'll stop being funny watching them fail.
Meanwhile, MIRACLES NEED TO BE PERFORMED! What stands and sits before us is a MIRACLE waiting to happen, can the Pope get a hamen? A bunch of people do it for him. What he gonna do now when people don't believe in Pope, in the miracles done over 9000 years ago by that Jesus fellow! First, he gonna make this blind man see, he gonna make this lame man walk, and he got his work cut out for the fatty, but he gonna help her... oh my god, she just obviously has shit stuffed in her clothes.
Pope can open this blind guy's eyes so he can see this mess around the iMPACT Zone! He stutters some. Now, KISS POPE'S RING! And props go to this guy for completely missing Pope's ring, so as to SELL the whole "he's blind" thing. Pope says forget that, let's get to bidness. He's gonna remove the guy's glasses, and now what he gonna do here, Pope's gonna take some of his holy oil and put it in his hand.
He then spits in his hand and rubs it on the guy's face. People act grossed out but
GUESS FUCKING WHAT! JESUS DID THAT TOO! HOORAY FOR ELIJAH BURKE DOING HIS RESEARCH!
The guy can see now! Now he needs to be taught how to spoke. He sort of goes "HA-EHUUJAH" and such. Now the fat guy in the wheelchair. Pope kicks the guy's legs some, cos he can't feel it. It's obvious he a cripple. Pope gonna now rub his knees some, then smacks him in the face, and CAN YOU STAND! HE CAN STAND! HALELLUJAH! HE CAN DANCE! GAMER POINTS FOR TAZ FOR DROPPING AN "ODDITIES" REFERENCE!
Now comes the hard part; the fatty. Pope is able to perform miracles, and he don't want her to take his personally. SHe just have to hold the microphone, and Pope gonna lay his hands on her. He grabs her waist some, and wiggles some. He says You know what? I don't think even Jesus can help you lose weight. HAHA Taz thought that was funny.
Speaking of weight, here comes another fatty, Samoa Joe! He rushes in and Pope is like WHY IS IT YOU'RE ALWAYS COMING OUT HERE YOU'RE ALWAYS RUINING POPE'S STUFF! GOOD GRIEF! He's not running from him; he's just standing behind the cripples and such. Pope then trips up Bruce Lee and HOLY SHIT he got a fucking knife at his throat! Das Pope street side.
Oh yeah, Daddy, Pope gonna take him to the street---If you step on my shoe one mo' time (he threatens KATO). He then pops him in the head with the microphone for stepping on his shoe again. He gonna show Joe, and he takes Japanese guy up to the middle of the ramp and kicks him in the guts, then tosses him behind him on the ramp. DON'T BELIEVE EVERYTHING YOU SEE ON TV DADDY! Pope stabs himself in the throat and OH NOESZ it's a fake gimmick-knife thing!
Commercials. No thoughts because I'm skipping them. OUR TNA CAMERAS have caught up again with Pope backstage. FOr some reason he's opened up OKATO's shirt, and has his hands tied up over his head and hanging onto something. He then starts whipping his stomach talking about how in the streets, it's REALLY ROUGH! Meanwhile, WHO ARE YOU? He takes the mask off to reveal; A JAPANESE GUY! Pope don't like the way he's slant-eyed at him, so he gonna whip him some to put his mask back on.
You know, he coulda been part of Pope's congregation, but he went and sided with Samoa Joe. Pope gonna tell you one thing, and don't take this personal, he just want him to know THIS IS PERSONAL and whips him some. Then he steps on his shoes some. Then he POPESLAPS him for epic damage. What he gonna do next? Pope thinks he gonna have him some chop sushi, and pops him in the penis with his whip. Ah, but here comes your boy. Pope runs off as Samoa Joe comes to untie Japanese guy. He even SPEAKS JAPANESE at him, because obviously he doesn't speak English, because he's Japanese. See?
Joe seems rather displeased. Speaking of displeased, backstage with RVD and Anderson ANderson. RVD says wow he clearly wants this title shot. He guesses joining Immortal is easy for someone with no morals. What? Anderson Anderson is just as confused. Anderson says he owns the fact that he's a thoroughly unlikeable person with a dogshit soul, and such. This means nothing with regards to joining Immortal or not, so... what.
Backstage, The Beautiful People, fresh off the disasterpiece from last Sunday! Winter sneaks in all like oh isn't you so cute! Apparently Angelina hasn't told her the NEWZ! Winter delivers it; Angelina is teaming with her tonight. Velvet Sky let her petty jealousy get in the way apparently, so she's out, Winter is in. Apparently Velvet cost them the titles at Wictory Road. Velvet claims Winter is trying to set her up. Winter drags Angelina off and out of there.
Meanwhile, in MAH WORLD, Jeff Jarrett and Karen Jarrett! Because Jeff is totally the EVIL WICKED COWARDLY BAD GUY, he wants to make peace with Kurt Angle and have mutual forgiveness and such. TOTALLY the work of a sick individual. Everyone knows REAL HEROES harass people LONG after the original issue is moot point, stalking them and making their lives horrendous just because of a personal grudge long since rendered irrelevant!
Jeff say he has nothing to prove at the end of the day; he has beaten and embarassed and humiliated Kurtle. There is not one shred of honor or dignity left in that man. STOP SHOOTING, JARRETT~!!! For the good of the kids, he can no longer do this to their second father, that's why tonight he is offering up a truce. Tha's right, a truce between them two. Jeff Jarrett is gonna be the BETTER MAN and try to stop the misery. They two have to coexist for the kids, they really do!
BOO! BOO ON THAT SHIT, YOU THE BAD GUY, JEFFF BOO!
Kurt Angle comes out with the big gift for the two of them and such. But firs tthings first, YOU RIGHT Jeff, you're the better man all along. You'rte the father and husband I could never be cos I was busy poppin' pills and buttsexing Karen. So he brought them that gift. Jeff, fearing for his family and wife's safety and of Kurt trying to kill him because Jeff has a family and needs to support them, steps back, and Kurt is like I am sincere, and lets Jeff open it up to see what it is. It's A GUITAR! And it's in a fucking HDTV box. They all pose and such, and then Kurtle breaks the guitar over Jeff's head. BECAUSE HE'S TOTALLY THE GOOD GUY HERE!
Fearing for the life of her husband and the means of support for her family, Karen tries to pop Kurt in the nuts, but KURT wears a cup. Jarrett blades, and Kurt is like LOOK AT ME like Joker-y. It's time for Kurt to get MEDIEVAL II TOTAL WAR on someone's ass. He is sick of this shit, so he will cut Jeff a deal; you and me one on one at Lockdown in a steel cage. It's either that or Kurt comes find them, rapes Karen, and makes their lives so miserable they won't want to live another day.
AND ANGLE IS THE FACE HERE? WHY? DOES TNA EVEN REMEMBER WHY KURT IS HARASSING THEM ANYMORE?
Backstage, Eric Bischoff lectures at Big Roid Terry and two guys I've never seen before. I think one of them is supposed to be a Murphy, and a Gunman of some sort, OH HEY ERIC BISCHOFF FINALLY MENTIONS ABYSS FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER SINCE HE DIED, ABYSS GONNA RETURN TONIGHT HURRDURR. Apparently one of these guise has to fight his guts out to win the TV championship. Apparently all three of them are in the match? Is it so damn hard to announce this shit beforehand like WWE does? OR HELL, like TNA just did RIGHT THE FUCK NOW in advertising a six person tag street fight match thing!
Speaking of match, We're more than halfway into the show, and we've received NO WRESTLING! I don't count that 2.2 second squash because that is not wrestling. THIS IS THE GREATEST SHOW IN THE HISTORY OF OUR SPORT SCHIAVONTAY!
Backstage, Karen Jarrett is doing the TOTALLY EVIL BADGUY THING of calling the police for Kurt Angle assaulting them. Then, video recap thing pimping the TV championship match. I notice they didn't even pimp the champion... because there apparently IS no fucking champion. Great work there.
Mustache guy attacks Big Roid first, and the other guy helps to punch up on them, when SUDDENLY WE HAVE A BACKSTAGE SHOT THE POLICE HAVE ARRIVED TO DEAL WITH KURT ANGLE BEING A STALKER AND TERRORIST---AND THUS, THE HERO OF THIS STORY! Meanwhile in match, Gunner almost got pinned by Big Roid, then Murph Murph tries to pin him, but Roid pulls him off. They trade some punches in a friendly manner, then Murph Murph punches him up and irish whip, and Big Roid boots him down, then looks like a fat Miz in his taunt.
TNA Television Championship
Gunna vs Murphy vs Rob Terry
Gunner then spears him, and looks like a crystal-meth-headed biker as he slams Murphy down and pinwins him.
WINNAR + TV CHAMPION: Some guy
Eric Bischoff now comes out all slow-applauding cos he obviously gonna pull some sleazy shit and such. Durrr. Gunner puts his fucking mouth on the belt, biting on one of the straps.
Backstage, AJ Styles complains that RVD doesn't want an ALLY in this FREE FOR ALL match, so he'll take care of everyone else. Except Anderson. He doesn't mention him because he's a shithead. Meanwhile, Ric Flair randomly appears and says NEVER TAKE YOUR EYES OFF ME BUDDY, and he's suddenly SURPRISE ATTACKED by AJ Styles right in front of him, as he slaps him down. Feels good, meng.
Elsewhere backstage, police arrive at the Jarretts and such taking down the information to arrest Kurtle and such and Jeff is like DAMMIT KAREN CALM DOWN LISTEN LISTEN SHUT UP WHAT WE GOTTA DO TO GET WHAT SHE WANTS DONE and such. Restraining order~! She wants them to do it here, and she follows them, leaving Jeff alone and totally about to get ambushed and shitkicked by Kurt Angle.
Hernandez, Sarita, Rosita vs Matt Morgan, Angelina Love and Winter w/ Harry Potter-y Evanescence music
WINNAR: Winter, Angelina Love, Matt Morgan
RANDOM MEXICAN ATTACK on Matt Morgan. Supposedly it's THE FAN from Wictory Road who... got instantly pinned by the referee and allowed for Hernandez to squirt fake blood on him. This time, no one give a fuck. Morgan BLUEPRINTS UP but the Spics throw the white wiminz in his way and escape.
Video package for the Shithead and his quest to be a fuckwit with a gold-plated belt.
Remember Desmond Wolfail? Neither does TNA. When it starts, all of them are all slightly crouched and edging closer, and now FIGHTING! BULLY Ray on AJ Styles and Rob Van Dam on the shit. Rob Van wrestles, Anderson shitheads, and AJ punches up BULLY Ray in the corner. Bully Ray irish whips him and blasts him down with his fat. He then goes after Rob Van, and as soon as he turns around HURRICANRANA and AJ Styles with a Super hero chop thing on him, then pops Anderson, then tries to Monkey Flip BULLY Ray but BULLY Ray nosells and lets him drop off.
Number One Contendery Match AJ Styles vs Rob Van Dam vs Bully Ray w/ Sabu music vs Anderson Anderson
BULLY Ray now attacking Anderson and clotheslines him out of the match, so he can go nap with AJ and Rob Van and BULLY Ray standing off and such and BULLY Ray shoves and such and Rob Van Dam kicks. BULLY Ray shoves him down and misses an elbow dorp, then Rob Van with a kicks on him, and Rolling Thoonda. But then Anderson ANderson pulls him out and clotheslines him down. Anderson kind of goes towards the ropes, and gets sunset flipped by AJ Styles.
Now punchy and AJ hops over Anderson as he irish whip, then dropkicks, but then a big clothesline by BULLY Ray, and BULLY Ray covers AJ, then goes to pop Anderson and slap him and such. BULLY Ray then powerful sideslams him, pinfail, then pinfail. Rob Van rolls in and BULLY Ray stomps on him. Then he pops Anderson some, and goes to pop Rob Van Dam. Now he picks up AJ, and shoulderthrusts him in the corner, then a smack to the chest.
BULLY Ray now stomping on the shithead, but the shithead punches him back, so BULLY Ray pounds on his head, then punches Rob Van, and goes over to AJ only to get punched up a bunch and stuff. BULLY Ray then just rakes him in the eyes, taunts, and turns around into Rob Van Dam's dropkick. AJ goes flying over the top, and Rob Van Dam goes to Five Star Frog Splish on ANderson but he moves away, and Bully Ray with a Rock Bottom on Anderson and pin gets 2. AJ Styles then crossbodies on BULLY Ray and pin gets 2.
AJ then rushes Rob Van, but Rob Van shoves him away, then springboard kicks him and pin gets 2. Anderson then rushes at Rob Van and does a spinning neckbreaker thing and pin gets 2. AJ jumps out of the ring and misses as BULLY Ray moves aside. Then he gets a steel chair because the referee TOTALLY isn't there. Speaking of which, he takes the chair out of his hands from over the rope, and Anderson backdrops Rob Van onto the legs of the chair which was fucking nasty-looking, and pinwin, but OH NOESZ WHO DUN WON IT?! BULLY Ray pops Earl Hebner in the head as he leans over to talk to JB. BULLY Ray then stomps JB, and AJ starts beating on him.
WINNAR: Mr Rob Van Anderson
BULLY Ray and AJ Styles brawl up to the side of the ramp region and such. AJ and BULLY Ray brawl there, and AJ hits him with random objects. BULLY Ray then crawls up to the commentators' table and AJ Styles follows him with a steel chair. BULLY Ray falls at the top of the ramp and such while AJ all teases hitting him when OH NOESZ RIC FLAIR comes to pop AJ in the penis, and stomp on him some.
BULLY Ray makes like he gonna hit AJ with the chair, but stops and looks down at the table over tyhe edgfe of it, kicks AJ, then goes to powerbomb him into the table.
When we return, medical personnel around and such. BULLY Ray shoves Al Snow, and a random medical personnel person. Then video recap of the clean, crisp powerbomb through the table which Taz called HORRIFIC VIOLENT LANDING. Apparently BULLY Ray is still around there, being held back by The Taz and others, yelling at AJ and such. He says I'LL BUST YOUR ASS, YOU FAG!
They all booing and such as BULLY Ray sits down at the top of the ramp all slumped over and such. They all wrapping up AJ and such and asking if they got his cell phone and tying him to the medical bed thing. OWEN VOICES by the commentators all throughout.
Backstage stuff as they load AJ in, and KAZ goes off on his own with a shell phone to call someone or something. I think they told him to call AJ's wife, but I doubt Kaz is doing that. Oh, now he is. He slips into his car now talking to her, complete with microphone on him, but HEY HE makes the cameraguy go away all like Not right now and then MICROPHONE OFF!
TNA YAY: 90 minutes of Total Nonstop Action Wrestling show and barely 1/10th of it is wrestling? WHAT AN HONOR!
TNA BOO: Putting a black tarp over a pair of tables makes them ULTRA DANGEROUS
TNA WTF: What do you have planned for Genesis 2013? Anything? How about Genesis 2012? Anything? How about Bound for Glory 2011? Anything? Where are you going?
Go play on my fucking Twitter Captain Halo
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Andariel Halo is a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. She can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. She translates ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees. Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, Andy once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. Children trust her. She knows the exact location of every dairy item in the supermarket. She has performed covert operations for the CIA. She's in bed every day, but sleeps once a week, OH! The laws of physics do not apply to her. One time, she shot her friend in the back of the head with a BB gun, and placed all blame on him.
THE TWF "MENTAL WELLNESS TEST!"
With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).