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TNA IMPACT
REPORT
(03/15/10)
by ANDARIEL HALO

Here to ruin your day, it's TNA Monday Night stuff! And HOORAY FOR ME! I TURN 22... EVENTUALLY!

Video recap of what happened last week or so. I say "or so" because TIME STANDS STILL AT THE IRON H--- I MEAN, TNA iMPACT! Also, Desmond Fail's spot in this Hogan and Chris vs Flair and Flair feud just screams of "we don't want to fire this guy... yet"

Show opens with a big orange hummer and people coming out. It's Hulk Hogan, Chris Parks, Rob Van Dam, and Rellikthat'skillerspelledbackwards. Or someone. Oh, it's Jeff Hardy with THUPERBADASSSKULLMAKEUP.

Comign to the ring is the Ric Flairs. AJ mocks Chris Parks, calling him a big scarylooking stupid monster. People chant something random and AJ bolts away from the camera to shout SHUT UP then go back to his promo thing, talking about they having classic matchups in the past, him and AJ, and taking to the limit, but the result was always with AJ Styles up and Chris Parks down, complete with a funny-sounding tone shift.

Speaking of bacon, Ric Flair's forehead looks either like bacon has been ironed onto his forehead, or the skin has been cut off in that shape.

Inexplicably, AJ Styles starts mentioning he doesn't believe in the Easter Bunny or Santa Claus, and loads of people BOO when he says he don't believe in Santa Claus. IT'S STILL REAL TO US, DAMMIT! But he DOES believe he's a gift from God. As he passes the microphone to Flair, the people chant something completely incomprehensible. After thinking for a moment they were saying "Where did Flair go?" I realize they're chanting "Turn his mic off"

Ric Flair says he wishes he could be as calm as AJ, then wrassles with his coat a bit before pointong to the bacon on his face and saying the guardrail did that to him. FLAIR VS GUARDRAIL, BOOK IT DANO! Flair punches himself in the head and sparks massive blood over half his face, making for that awesome red-eye looking thing where one of his eyes has blood all around it yet the pupil is showing. It's so awesome, I'm not even listening to Flair.

He points to his face, so thus I look up and realize he's saying expect to get this every day of your life, Jeff Harvey. This prompts his stonermusic to hit and he sort of hippity-hops on out, with that inexplicable facepaint and nothing but an open jacket. I know you think it's sexy, readers; at least forty thousand of you are queersz.

Hardy shouts "HARDY!" on the microphone, and AJ asks who he thinks he is, which is exactly what Hardy just answered before he asked. AJ then wonders where they are, as he asks what he's doing in his house, and why is Flair bleeding, and where'd he put his keys and if he's his son come to visit him. AJ then judges that this facepainted guy is nobody, and Ric FLair interrupts AJ to shout "HE'S TALKIN TO YOU, LOOK HIM IN THE EYE!" and AJ's all like he wants to be in the spotlight, well the spotlight doesn't get any bigger than AJ Styles.

So since he likes putting his hands on the champion, how about they get it done in the ring, what with the hand-touching and putting hands on people. It doesn't get any bigger, and AJ Styles declares he is a mechanical device that shines vibrant bright light onto distinct spaces.

Jeff Hardy gets the microphone and says it'll be a breeeze. Ric Flair begins to explain what a breeze is. His definition is something out of Urban Dictionary, as it has nothing at all to do with the movement of the air, and more to do with him talking about Jeff Hardy being a painter, huffing paint, and being high, or something. Hardy then STING's it up by talking about his creatures of the night and shouting out and how he's confident or whatever.

Here be Mick Foley backstage with Eric Bischoff where Bistch is like he doesn't want to hear about last week and wants him to forget about last week, so he must seize the moment and says there's no hope for Mick to be a corporate citizen, so they're going to go out to the ring and shave his head and beard, to make him into a corporate executive. Silly bitch, corporate executives aren't shaven bald. I guess they just aborted that whole TOTALLY NONSTOP AWESOME Foley in etiquette school after one session? Or maybe he just quit early.

Random Commercial-area Thoughts: A

We get video footage from earlier today where a mealymouthed sumbitch squeals as two fat pieces of shit killshit the fat Shannon Moore. In the ring, it's revealed to me that this sumbitch was Jimmy Hart and the two fat pieces of shit were two fat pieces of shit who are Nasty. He says something I forgot, then says something about a handycap match. 3 vs 2. Meanwhile on RAW, Stone Cold Steve Austin is WINNING it up. Oh hey, the Doodleys got a new(old) partner.

Team 3Dicles vs The Nasty Boyos and Jimmy Hart

The Nasty Boys FLEE, SCURRY, RUN AWAY! at the appearance of... little Spike Dudley. FLEE, SCURRY, RUN AWAY! He'll give you AIDS. For some reason, Buh Buh Ray tussles with Devon, then I realize that's actually one of the Nasty Boys. SPeaking of AIDS, Bruther Runt attacks him off the top, but he quickly takes control because HE BIG, RUNT LITTLE. WWE AHOY! He beats on him as he teases on Jimmy Hart, and holds him as he... rubs him against one of the Nasty Boys' armpits. EXTREEEEME!

Speaking of total rage, despair, and hatred and such, a bit of retardation caused retardation where my monitor could not compatible whatever bullshit where I opened a program that was apparently too For Real for my analog monitor, and thus disabled it. Nothing could be done without restarting the computer, so I lost a good 30 minutes worth of TNA stuff on my notepad before I saved. So I'm pissed.

Anyway, Jimmy Hart pins Buh Buh Ray and wins it. Oh yeah.

WINNAR: Jimmy Hart and the Nasty Boysz

Afterwards, they 3D one of the Nasty Boys after the Nasty Boys beat up on them a little, then JESSE FAIL comes out to make the save.

Then backstage, there was the redhead intarviewing Angelina Love, who I mentioned looked like an old stripper and you couldn't tell the difference between the Horrible People, and how Angelina said something sucks and got made mad and issues an open challenge to any of them.

Random Commercial-area Thoughts: Salò

BACKSTAGE comes the Scott Hall with his TNA shirt with "Wölfpac" painted on it, with OBLIGATORY INEXPLICABLE UMLAUT! It makes it be pronounced like "Wewlfpac". Then Kevin Nash and Eric Young appeared to start some shit. Kevin Nash offered $45,000 for five minutes with Scott Hall in the ring. PUBLIC SEX! He'll be the Elvis.

Mister Anderson (Welcome BAKCKARJHIAHRIHJR) and Fail vs Kurt Angle and Win

I had some stuff written about it, but I fell apart and just started screaming, because the entirety of Neo's wrestling consisted of him pushing Angle's face, with his back on the ropes, stomping him, then putting him in a Rock Bottom position, only to shove him against the turnbuckle, and the only thing Desmond Fail did was his usual bullshit of wristlocks and headlocks.

WINNAR: His Holy Darkness Pope Blackadictus I D'Angelo Dinero

Then, to repeat what he did last month for no reason, Neo busts open Kurt Angle with his WARRIAH~! medal while Failsauce wristlocks the Pope up the ramp.

Random Commercial-area Thoughts:

The Daily Show With Jon Stewart Mon - Thurs 11p / 10c
Crumbums & Fatcats
www.thedailyshow.com
Daily Show
Full Episodes
Political Humor Health Care Reform

Backstage came Jeff Harvey and Rob Van Dam talking with Hulk Hogan in his office. After discussing something, Rob Van Dam needs to be reminded this is Florida as he heads out. He pokes his head back in the office to be told it's Florida, only for him to stare for a moment, glazed over, then leaves. Eric Bischoff comes in and talks shit with Hogan for a bit that is so boring and pointless I wasn't listening. Well, I WAS listening, but I understood nothing.

Angelina Love comes out and the Horrible People introduce a ONE NIGHT ONLY Horrible Person: Daffy

Angelina Love vs Daffney

She randomyl appears from under the ring and ambushes Love, stretching her back like she's so used to, being fucked from behind while having her hair pulled back. She then fetches a toolbox from under the ring, taunts the referee while tossing away pliers and scissors, and wandering into the ring with a hammer, but OH MY GOD THE REFEREE TAKES IT AWAY! WHY?!

And to render all of that completely pointless, the Horrible People grab Angelina's legs and slam her cunt into the turnbuckle. The Taz makes an idiot of himself by wondering if that even hurts a woman. I offered for him to punch himself in the side of the head and punch himself in the balls and wonder if perhaps the punch to the side of his head DID NOT hurt because he doesn't have balls in his head.

Also, I missed the first time around: Tarantula runs in to save Angelina Love. I would have said she punched up the Horrible People, but that would imply that she even tried to do something punch-like. She just lazily handed her fist to them and they sold it like a clothesline. She sucks. She's old, too.

Random Commercial-area Thoughts: Salò

Video package for Sting stuff from last week. Then Hulk Hogan comes out! He gets on the microphone and whines and bitches at Sting, and I had a long-winded rant about how TNA completely forgot about that bullshit with the MEM vs Job Squad where Eric Young was considered a TRAITOR TO TNA because he DARED to turn heel against a bunch of guys who had previously all abused him in-character, and not only STILL WORKED FOR TNA but CONTINUED TO WORK FOR TNA. And this somehow made him a traitor to TNA.

They accuse Sting of essentially the same thing. This would make more sense if Hogan were the heel, and pulled a Louis XIV "I -am- the State" malevolence thing, where attacking Hogan is attacking TNA sort of thing.

But Hogan ISN'T the heel. And made even worse is Hogan calling Sting out, Sting slowly coming out, and Rob Van Dam ambushing Sting from behind and utterly killshitting him all around ringside. And Hogan and Van Dam are the faces?

Hogan then gets a bat, but Bischoff comes out to yell and scream at him all like "NO THIS ISNT YOU" and such and then has security nudge Sting out of the ring as Bischoff yells and screams at Hogan about how he said and he promised he wasn't going to get involved in the in-ring stuff. The entire audience doesn't give a shit about this, all chanting "HOGAN" while Hogan hugs his son Brooke. Bischoff leaves...

And segues into backstage with Jarrett and Hernandez getting cuddly and talking about making matches with each other, while Bischoff hides IN THE LIGHT, and angrily stops them. He smugs it up and puts Hernandez in a handycap match against Beer Money. Jarrett whines about Bischoff being vindictive against Jarrett and stuff, so Bischoff smugs it up some more, and angrily makes Jarrett the referee of this handycapeable match.

And in a brilliant move of losing continuity in THE SAME DAMN SHOW, the $45,000 somehow becomes $25,000. WILL SCOTT HALL LAST 5 MINUTES IN THE RING WITH KEVIN NASH?!

Scott Hall vs Kevin Nash

No

WINNAR: Kevin Nash by DQ

X-Pac ambushes Kevin Nash from behind and ambushes Kevin Nash from behind, beating on him. The old men then go to work beating on the other old man. They get handcuffs and handcuff Nash to the bottom rope. Eric Young runs in to be almost immediately shitkilled by them.

Okay, now I caught up to where I was, and now BACK TO THE REAL RECAPPING!

Random Commercial-area Thoughts: Salò

BACKSTAGE Jay Bee intarviews Beer Money, who appears to be on the way to arbitrary heel turning, because they oppose HULK HOGAN! HULK SMAAASH HULK BURY TNA PEOPLE RAAARGH! Robert Roode bitches out the stuff, and James Swift pisses on the fans and faces and such. ARBITRARY HEEL TURNS AHOY!

Beer Munny vs Hernandez

Jeff Jarrett comes out as referee first. And that was about as much fanfare as he had. Total silence greets Beer Money, as the retards in the crowd are unable to tell--- no wait, that's not fair of me----as the PEOPLE in the crowd are unable to tell if they are heels now, or heels yet, because the booking is just that awful.

Beer Money ambush Hernandez immediately, tear his shirt off, while The Taz gives a rather inaccurate definition of "impetuous". BLUEPRINT OF FAILURE Matthias Morganite walks down the ramp, then just walks up, and heads to the commentator's table. INEVITABLE TAG TEAM BREAKUP AHOY! Meanwhile Roode beats on Hernandez and tries to pin him. Morgan is huffing from just all that walking as he pisses on Tenay and commentates. Tenay decides to be an asshole by questioning why he doesn't go to help Hernandez.

BECAUSE IT'S NOT A TAG TEAM MATCH YOU FUCKING RETARD! BECAUSE IF MATT MORGANITE INTERFERES, HERNANDEZ LOSES AND BEER MONEY CRUSHES BOTH THEIR FUCKING FACES IN! THIIIINK, TENAY, YOU GET CALLED "THE PROFESSOR" WHY?!

In all tha ttime, Hernandez has gotten no offense in, but as soon as my attention turns, he has doubleclotheslined them two, but now Roode punchies him up, just to get shoved with a shoulder blodck. He staggers up and gets to the top rope and caught in mid-move by Hernandez, but Storm just kicks his noots again and again, and they try a double suplay, but Hernandez reverses it and slams them both. Hernandez then lifts up Roode for a crucifix powerbomb thing, and Morgan leaves the commentator's table.

MEANWHILE IN THE RING A DWI KILLS HERNANDEZ and Jarrett hesitates before counting a three. THe fag.

WINNAR: Beer Money

Beer Munny wants Jarrett to raise their hands, but he's busy being a jackoff, so Jarrett hesitates a lot, then eventually lifts their hands, then goes to kissing up on his buttbuddy Hernandez. KISSHY KISSHY KISSHY, FAGGOT! Beer Money then starts beating on Hernandez, and Jarrett does a shitty job of trying to stop them, essentially stopping one of them, while the other stomps on Hernandez, then turning around to stop him while the first one goes to stomping him.

So Jarrett eventually takes off the referee shirt, which is like kryptonite for people in wrestling---just ask Shane Sewell, as Jarrett, sans referee shirt, asskicks them and he and Hernandez toss the Beer Moneys out.

Backstage, Bischoff heels it up with a razor and a mirror in hand.

Random Commercial-area Thoughts: Salò

In the ring now is a chair and Eric Bischoff and the hair cuttery stuff. Bischoff says week after week after week they've been trying with Foley, but it's IMPOSSIBLE! So completely ignoring what he just said just now, he tries AGAIN to clean up Mick Foley, this time with a pointless haircut! YAY FOR POINTLESS HAIRCUTS!

Foley's music hits a little girl or three, then he wanders on down. The Taz dribbles and mushmouths on trying to call Mick Foley's look something involving grizzly or bigfoot. Maybe Grizzly Adams, but he never got that far. YET-TAAAYYY!!

Foley sits in the chair, but as Bischoff is about to use the razor, Foley grabs his hand, then gets OMFG THE SOCK and manidble claws him with the sock in the chair and such. He shouts something incoherently at the camera, then throws the sock away, throws his coat away, and gets the razor to... shave himself! Naw come on, asses. Didn't you see that The Daily Show clip? That was filmed after this.

So Mick Foley shaves some of Eric Bischoff's head, but THIS IS ALL IN THE NAME OF RATINGS! THEY GONNA BEAT THE WWE!

0.8 ratings, people. That's right... this episode got a 0.8 rating, while the Stone Cold Steve Austin headed Raw got a 3.7

Random Commercial-area Thoughts: Salò

For tradition's sake, we get a recap of WHAT JUST HAPPENED A FEW MINUTES AGO!

And speaking of Goldust-ripoff faggotry, here's Shannon Moore, looking like a shrimpy Jesse Fail with Gold makeup on his face while he rednecks it up on the microphone. He yells at the redhead to GOOGLE something that sounds like "dillygaph" He says he will be NEW X Division champion and... says "Welcome... to glamrock"...

What?

Speaking of burials, In the ring its the Murder guns, pimping the RETARN of the ULTIMATE SEX match, where th ewinners of that match become NUMBA ONE CONTENDURZ TO THE TNA TAG TEAM SOMETHINGS, BUT DESTINATION SEX WILL BE REMEMBERDS AS THE BEGINNING OF THE RISE OF THE START OF THE MURDERING OF MOTOR CITY MACHINE GUNNAZ, sTARTING WITH THOSE GUYS. Just who do THOSE GUYS think they are? Some guys? Trying to compete on the same level as the Murder Gunsz?! IT CAN'T BE DONE! What have they ever done to deserve a spot? Who did they beat? What dooz have they paid?

Some random generic music plays, and it isn't until a few moments later that I realize it is THOSE GUYS

They get on the microphone, and LAYETH THE SMACKDOWN ON THEM by mentioning that they BEAT THE MOTOR GUNS when they debuted. OH SNAPSZ! The gunnaz remamebar that, but remind them that there is something called LUCK! KA-POWW! BOOM! GOTCHA BITCHES! He'll give them credit where it bes: They're good, but the Motor guns are great. OOOH MIDSECTION BLOW! They are the XBox to their Atari; they are the Stationwagons to the Motor guns' Ferraris'. And then they talk about the night they spent with their girlfriends. One of THOSE GUYS smacks Shellith's neck, and they start brawling until BRIAN KENDRICK appears out of nowhere.

Speaking of nowhere, here be AMAZING RED to do his weak-ass flippydippy shit on Brian Kendrick while the tag teams take it to the otuside. Christopher Daniels runs in and immediately STO's the Rey Mysterio Ersatz then poses as KAHZ appears and throws a ladder at Christopher's head.

The Murdah gunnaz appear and beat on KAAZ and get tossed out by THOSE GUYS, then they start climbing the Ultimate X metal things to jump onto the Murdur Gunnurz. More brawling downstairs, then Red gets on the ladder and jumps onto a bunch of them. He flipped as he did so. The faces then arbitrarily pose in the middle of the ring on the ladder, as mini-Scott Hall stands on top, and the Rey Mysterio Ersatz is at the bottom because HE IS SMALL AND THEREFORE INFERIOR! WWE AHOY!

Backstage, Chris Parks is being said hello to by CHris Parks, who pulls a Hulk Hogan-type promo thing, talking about how in the farst time in his life, SOMEONE IS JEALOUS OF HIM. And guess what... you want it? YOU CAN'T HAVE IT! His words. He says he will take AJ's world championship, and as for Ric Flair, he hopes he gets involved in tonight's main event... just like he hoped it last week and did buttfuck nothing about it. Faggot.

He then rips off Hogan's catchphrase about wondering on the actions or inactions of the opponents as a response to the wanton and uncivilized accelerated motion upon them by Chris Parks' mania.

Random Commercial-area Thoughts: Salò

Chris Parks and Jeff Hardy vs COMMERCIALS

Random Commercial-area Thoughts: UNDERCOVERNIGGATAKEYOTEETHOUTYOMOUTHNIGGA

CHEWYOFOODUPPUTTHESHITBACKINYOMOUTHNIGGAANDITHELPYOUSWALLOW

When we return, the match is already underway. I have no idea who they facing!!!!!!11111111 Jeff Harvey beats on AJ Style a bit, and does a wanton soup leg drop on him from the top rope then does a headlock but since he's a junkie, AJ pushes him out of it and starts chopping him up but HARVETY FEELS NOTHING IN HIS FRONT and turns it around. They wiggle about, and Harvey catches AJ in a headscissor while reversing an irish whip, but AJ tosses him out of the ring.

Ric Flair looks to attack him but Chris Parks approaches him and Flair skitters off and Parks does NOTHING. NOTHING. Faggot. Meanwhile AJ makes like he's gonna jump out of the ring onto Jeff but smugs it up and such. Jeff clings to the rope, but is having trouble, being all strung out and such. Aside from being stoned, I can't imagine how a few chops, and being tossed out of the ring could cause him to nearly lose via a 10 count. AJ then dropkicks him and surprisingly a pin gets 2 instead of knocking him out completely.

AJ drags Jeff around and kicks at him. He then tries to stand on Harvey's leg on the ropes, but Harvey somehow causes him to fall out of the ring. Somehow. When you're high, that sort of shit works. AJ then guillotines Jeff Harvey on the top rope thing and gets in to chinlock him. The Taz basically pisses on the championship picture by making it seem like all the world championship contenders only care about being champion because it means more money. Harvey breaks out soon and does a stoner clothesline thing where he clotheslines AJ, then keels over forward and falls with him like 3 feet away.

Slowlyt they rise and AJ clotheslin attempsts MISSES and Harvey catches him for a forward Suplex thing, then runs at him to do a swinging dropkick thing against the turnbuckle corner as he was on it. He then pins gets 2. A Jay then gets up and chops him up, then does a Brainbuster onto him and pin gets 2.

AJ pushes Harvey into a turnbuckle but OMFG WHISPER IN THE WIND OUT OF NOWHERE and AJ keels over. Hardy then kicks him and tries a Twist of Fate but gets OMFG PELE'~!!11'd out of somewhere. Jeff eventually gets up with th erferee but because of that sdhirt, when AJ top rope crossbody's, he knocks out the referee and Jeff Harvey, then rolls out to the floor to retrieve a steel chair, because he's a redneck and thus a fucking idiot, because he completely forgot about Chris Parks standing right fucking there. AJ gets into the ring to try a springboard 450 splash which misses and he gets Twist of Fated, then Kenton Bomb-ed, and Chris Parks inexplicably counts the pinfall.

WINNAR: No one

Sorry, but Chris Parks is NOT a referee. Because he's not wearing the shirt, see? Ric Flair comes in with the steel chair to beat up Chris Parks and Jeff Harvey with it. He then goes walking after Chris to weakly smack at his back with the chair while Chris Parks 'TARDS UP and does the Hulk Hogan YOOOU thing, which Ric Flair sells like he was bopped in the forehead with a palm. He then gets chokeslammed through the balsa wood ramp.

TNA YAY: I recovered rather quickly from losing a full 30 minutes of recap. WHICH JUST GOES TO SHOW I AM THE GREETEST EVAR

TNA BOO: 0.8 rating, everyone. 0.8 rating. That was this show.

TNA WTF?: TNA'S VERSION OF A "HELL IN A CELL" AND/OR "ELIMINATION CHAMBER" MATCH... ENDS IN A FUCKING DISQUALIFICATION!?

Bonus "Creative" Award for the most "Special" Writing Team in Wrestling Today: Eric Bischoff and Hulk Hogan cannot fire Ric Flair because he was hired before Hogan and Bischoff were. They then proceed to fire Bobby Lashley and Mick Foley, both of whom were hired before Hogan and Bischoff were.

A round of very special applause for the very special writing team. Keep sharp objects away from them.

You've just been Halonic Death Ray'd, and like I say every week, if I'm not back within two or three weeks, consider me dead.

Feedback if you want: phenomynouss@hotmail.com

Andariel Halo is a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. She can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. She translates ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees. Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, Andy once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. Children trust her. She knows the exact location of every dairy item in the supermarket. She has performed covert operations for the CIA. She's in bed every day, but sleeps once a week, OH! The laws of physics do not apply to her. One time, she shot her friend in the back of the head with a BB gun, and placed all blame on him.

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TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).