TNA IMPACT RANT

by Andariel Halo

March 10, 2011

Last week I was like HEY TNA has a ppv next week I wonder if they're gonna promote it. Then I think I got drunk and forgot, and now this week I was like HEY TNA has a ppv this week I wonder if they're gonna promote it OH WAIT IT'S TOO LATE TO PROMOTE IT NOW BECAUSE IT'S THIS FUCKING SUNDAY AND YOU OBVIOUSLY DON'T NEED TO BECAUSE TNA IS SUCH AN EPIC COMPANY IN THIS BUSINESS THEY DON'T EVEN NEED THE MONEY THEY'RE THAT EPIC AWESOME AND THEY SUPPORT PEOPLE SCREAMING IN ALL CAPS! So get this, VIDEO RECAP of what happened last week. What DID happen last week? For me, it was completely overshadowed by this:

This is how epic awesome TNA is; they don't even need to pimp his appearance, or have him pimp TNA, the company he's supposed to be paid working for!

Could've been worse. Could've been like this:

At this time, we welcome the NU TNA champion, Sting. Just the concept of Sting alone bores me into heinous submission~! Fucking Mike Tenay considers it HISTORY MAKING that Sting returned after FOUR MONTHS GONE and won the championship. FOUR MONTHS! That's like nineteen years in TNA retardtime!

What IS history making is that Sting won a world championship that looks like a fucking Crayola promotional item, and is STILL using it. He considers this a GREAT accomplishment, because beating up a junkie is SUCH an accomplishment! Just earlier today a junkie approached me and I was like WHUMP to the head with the back of my foot and he caught a look up my shorts, and it was the LAST thing he saw before I kicked his head off and got such a sense of accomplishment! And by junkie, I mean random guy who may have been homeless but was quite well dressed. And by WHUMP to the head and kicking it off, I mean I gave him money for the train.

Sting feels great that he gave money to a homeless man and hopes that Jeff Hardy gets his head screwed on back (AFTER I FOOKIN KICK IT UFF) and give back to the fansz. This brings out Hulk Hogan music~! And he comes out with Derek Bischoff. To fill in the time needed for the two old people to shuffle to the ring, we fill in the tiem with a needless video recap of what happened last week. Oh hey, remember that PPV coming this Sunday? I didn't.

Hogan say IT'S GOOD TO SEE YOU CHAMP and the last four or five months they kinda went their separate ways bruther. And he knew someway somehow you and I were gonna end up right in this very ring, bruther, where it all started. But he gotta give him credit, he saw this thing coming 100,000 miles away, and he even tried to warn them about the REAL HULK HOGAN and his REAL INTENTIONS, but you know what bruther, they didn't listen to you bruther. Maybe if you tried saying something like "Hulk Hogan is going to betray you and try to steal your company away" instead of saying "You're a fucking idiot! Smoke and mirrors, shock and awe!" But I totally understand; soemtimes when someone is aiming the loaded BB gun at their friend's head, they just gotta say "ey... when you leave a loaded gun in the house, children are gonna be stupid and kill each other" and that's how defeated my friend by shooting him in the back of the head with a BB gun.

Butnow Sting came back, but he's a day late and a dollar short, which just goes to show what the TNA championship is worth. And hey, they don't need another hero, because they already got one; Hulk Hogan! Sting says you rtight I went home, but I didn't quit on these people, I quit on the thought of having to deal with you and Bischoff and Flair, on another three-headed monster that would make his life a living hell every day of his life. Just like the nWo before them, and the Hydra before them, when Steve called himself Milqart and said "I AM MILQART" and the people said "Herakles?" and he said "MY NAME IS MILQART!" and they said "Hail Herakles!" and then a bunch of other people overheard and said "Hercules?" and Sting just gave up and went home, because that's what he does best, gives up and goes home. Smoke an mirrors, shock an awe!

But a fire BUUUURNED inside of him and it called him forth. The same kind of fire he had when he first resu Ric Flair and dropped Bischoff on his head and stepped in the ring with Huogan that says Stink you not going anywhere. The fire not going out, he's got another job to do, he's got to take back what was never his to begin with... and now that that's done--- Oh wait, now brings out the Neelix, Anderson Anderson.

He says he loves to come out here to cut their asses off, because he's an obnoxious prick. CLearly he has not spoken loudly or clearly enough, so he makes retard hand wiggles and jibbers like a retard saying he wants his rematch. Then he says he wants MY rematch. MY MY MY MY MY MY MY. He better look up NARCISSISM. Seriously, what's his fucking appeal? If TNA were mainstream, Anderson would literally be the Neelix of this show.

Anderson decides to be a fucking fuckhead saying he and Sting have never been formally introduced, then mockingly looks down and paws his feet at the mat and says "Aw shucks, well my name is... MIIIIIIIIISTUUUUUURRRRRR" and such. Then says and he is a fuckwad. This brings out Jeff Hardy.

Hardy comes out and says FIRST OF ALL he wants to say Fayetteville can kiss his charismatic ass. In case they don't know, he's the antichrist, which by claiming himself to be the antichrist, automatically makes him NOT the antichrist.

And you, you arselicker, when you speak of the TNA title, your ass starts behind ME. He is technically correct; the best kind of correct. This also brings out Rob Van Dam. And to think WWE's main event scene features The Rock, Triple H, Undertaker, Mike the Miz, Edge, Alberto Del Rio. Who needs that shit when you have two junkies and an Aryan frat boy? You do. That's it. Rob Van Dam bitches at them, then says what gives Stink the BALLS to come back after a five month hiatus and say he's in control and such. Hey remember how Rob Van debuted and beat Sting in 30 seconds, then received a 5 minute savage beating by Sting? TNA doesn't.

FIRST EVER REFERENCE TO VICTORY ROAD COMING THIS SUNDAY: Bischoff says WE KNOW (spoiler alert; we don't know. He's telling us for the first time) that Jeff Hardy is gonna face Stink for the TNA title, and a pointless grudge match with RVD and Ken Anderson, prompting a shitheaded "MISTER Anderson" response from the Neelix, witrhout a microphone so it's not so loud. Meanwhile, tonight we get a pointless tag team match involving the four of them or something.

BACKSTAGE The Beautiful People are playing when suddenly Sarita and Snooki and Angelina No-Last Name arrive to bitch at them and say she gonna embarass them in front of their whole crew. Wild Winter appears to talk down at Not-Angelina Love. Speak of such, Velvet Sky says Angelina's lesbian fuckbuddy BETTER be on the same page as them or they gonna have problems.

Random Commercial-area Thoughts: I'm an American; when push comes to shove, I will shove you in front of a train

Out comes Samoa Joe with... "Okato" now. Why is he doing this Green Hornet thing that doesn't even try to be like Green Hornet or something? Because vaguely looking like stuff is wicked oresum!

Samoa Joe vs His Holy Darkness Pope D'Angelo Dinero

Pope came out from the crowd, popped KATO with a chain-covered fist, then gets into the ring to beat up on Joe before Joe can react fatly. But Joe quickly FATS up and stomps him in a corner. Pope crawls to the other turnbuckle and gets irish whipped across the ring by Joe, slammed into, and then jumping back kick on his face. Joe then starts punching him up and such and then irish whip revarse and Joe comes right back at the Pope but Pope kicks him, then uppercuts him down, then gets on him to punch him on the ground.

Pope picks Joe up, but Joe does CLASSIC AND LITERAL WWF No Mercy hand-slap-away reversal thing and punches him up, then slams him some. Irish whip and rebound into a powerslam. The Taz attributes Joe's splosiveness to his "quick hips". Irish whip thing gets reversed and Pope shoves him away, then does a reverse STO thing on him and beats his arselicht down. Now he done pulls off a pad on teh turnbuckle and pops Joe some as Joe gets up. Then irish whip Joe but Joe reverses, then catches Pope in an Sploder Suplkex. Pope grabs that chain stuff thing, and while referee goes to pretend to deal with the reff thing, Pope punches Joe in the head with the chain.

WINNAR: il Papa

Backstage, BULLY RAY arrives somewhere. Idiot cameraguy asks where he's going, and BULLY Ray says fuck you and such. He yells and rants, then rants at Tommy Dreamer, the MAWDAH (martyr) of the wrestling business.

Random Commercial-area Thoughts: I just spent 13 or 14 minutes at this commercial-area section trying to scrape up my thoughts into a coherent passage.

TNA Knockouts "Ladies" Championship Madison Rayne (C) vs Roxxi Laveaux

FUCKING JEREMY BORASH. "Ladies" championship? Fuckass. Hope your entire family etcetera. And suddenly Roxxi is from Boston Massachussetts? And what a way to bring her back for a return thing and such, complete with the generic nondescript music. Oh yes, MATCH! Madison punches her up some a bit, then Roxxi Laveaux beats her ass some, only to be reversed with an irish whip smacking her down. She then runs at Roxxi but gets spinebustered.

She tries to pull Madison Rayne up but she jawbreakers her. But she takes controls again some, and Rayne drags her head down to her knee in some kind of move that looked legit nasty and hurty.

WINNAR: Madison Rayne

She keeps beating up on her, and this prompts Mickie James to come out. This was alluded to earlier when they mentioned that she hadn't been seen since Against All Nods. Oh hey, there's a PPV this Sunday, right?

Backstage, Tommy Dreamer slams some juice, complaining that BULLY Ray wants to fight him in the parking lot. So he pulls a cameraguy out with him and gets out in the parking lot like I BEEN FIGHTING PEOPLE IN THE STREETS ALL MY LIFE come out here you big fat coward.

Commercials later, BULLY RAY has answered teh call and is like DREAMER WHERE ARE YOU and such. Apparently there are MULTIPLE cameraguyz out here and such. BULLY Ray says he's a piece of crap coward and knew he wouldn't show and suddenly Brother Devon ambushes him and beats him up and such. THOSE UH MY KIDS! Devon slams him against a truck, then hits him with a big plastic orange and white barricade thing.

Bully Ray then staggers over to some metal railings, and turns to face Devon but Devon grabs him and slams him into the barricade. Now BULLY Ray is like DEVON ENOUGH AAAAAGH and such. Devon then starts whipping him like a boay with the metal chain. BULLY Ray says stop and think about it and Devon says okay, but then BULLY Ray lunges at him, so he hit him again. Then he gets a sledgehammers and suddenlys TOMMY DREAMER comes out like that's enough. HE'S THE ONE WHO CALLED HIS ASS OUT! Dreamer says he'll go to jail if he does this. BITCH, he'd go to jail just for fucking touching him out there!

Random security guy comes and helps BULLY Ray up. BULLY Ray says look, I think he's coming back, then randomly attacks him WUT. AND there's people in the background just fucking watching. I actually think it was Tommy Dreamer. YAY CAMERA ANGLES!

Random Commercial-area Thoughts: Arbitrarily threatening people with little to no provocation brings me pleasure.

Snooki, Sarita, EX-Jersey Shore member Angelina vs The Beautiful People and Winter

Nice to see that ONLY TAZ ONLY NOW actually points out that Velvet Sky's CAREER was on the line last week in that throwaway match. My Gods, Mike Tenay and Taz are among the worst commentary teams I've ever seeenheard. Apparently we gonna have Not-Angelina Love face off with Velvet Sky. Sarita smacks Velvet upside the head, and Angelina gets ontop of her to ride her. Like she's riding a cock. She didn't even pretend to be trying to hurt Velvet. Angelina Love rushes in to... rushes in to beat up on them, and then Robbie V comes in to hold Velvet Sky down so they can attack. But Winter suddenly TURNS HEEL and then TURNS FACE again by pretending like she gonna help in beating up Velvet, but she beats up the other two, then bites Robbie E's hand, and throws him out of the ring. She turns around and comes face to face with random Angelina.

Velvet Sky then schoolboys Angelina, and Earl Hebner literally just pops in from the OTHER SIDE of the ring, and counts the pinwin from over there, completely ignoring the whole part where Winter is standing right there, moving off out of the ring.

WINNAR: The Horrible People

UP NEXT a totally pointless streetfight involving AJ Styles vs Ric Flair vs Matt Harvey--HARDY!

Random Commercial-area Thoughts: Reminder to myself; watch Endgame

Speaking of O face, we get a video package pimping last week Kurt Angle beating up that random black guy, oh they say his name, Bart Scott. He CROSSED THE LINE (hurrdurr) came to his world thinking he could outwrestle him. Ken Anderson blows my fucking mind by MAKING SENSE and being LOGICAL, claiming Bart Scott got up in his face in the wrestling arena, against the only Olympic gold medalist in this business, and you don't see TNA wrestlers running down the football field and such, getting blown up past the 10 yard line, busting their knees from the exertion, flopping ont he field and blading.

BACKSTAGE back to normal for Anderson Anderson being a shithead in IMMORTAL's office, bitching at them and Jeff Hardy with them like what's to say I don't take Jeff Hardy out before we get to the ring? Here's to say; you'll get shitkilled by RVD and Sting in a handicapeable match, and RVD hates you worse than Jeff Hardy pretends to. Fuckass. He's like the Glenn Beck of TNA, just blatantly being stupid and not making sense, I LOVE IT! Also I think he accused Jeff Hardy of being high.

Video package of THEY. The other THEY. Not THEY, but the THEY after. Without Abyss. Speaking of which, has he been released yet?

Street Fight Ric Flair vs Matt Hardy vs AJ Styles

AJ Styles comes out wearing jeans. Therefore, he wins.

WINNAR: AJ Styles

I don't make the laws, I just pretend to break them. It also warrants saying that this STREET FIGHT began with a STREET TRASH TALK and such. It was trashy talk. AJ Styles could never never understand the miserable avenues Matt Harvey--HARDY travelled down, getting herpes from Lita, having a small penis compared to Edge, being fat and tearing his guts and being an enabler.

Backstage, STING approaches Rob Van Dam saying Hogan and Bischoff brought him in, I thought you were part of it! and such. Rob Van uses logical fallacy to criticize him. Sting say he sorry, he was wrong. Rob Van says he's sorry too, Stink.

GENERATION THOSE GUYS vs Inkinc

Before the match done begunning, Beer Money done be coming. Match done begins with HEADLOCKS! Headlock on Shannon Moore, then he gets knocked down by Jeff Buck, then some armdrags by Moore on him. He springboard moonsaults from the ropes onto him, and Matt Buck catches him but he beats him off, then back body drops the other guy onto the apron, but he comes in to springboard X-Factor him. And pin gets 2.

Max Hardly then slams him into the corner, and tags in Jeremy again to dropkick him. Pin gets 2. Max Fuck in now and pin gets 2. What. Idiot. You gotta beat him in the head YES LIKE THAT! Kick to the head. But Moops emerges and punches him, but the other guy dropkicks him and pin gets 2. Now HEADLOCK! Or chinlock. It's still a headlock. In themidst of this, Beer Money talks about themselves. Pin gets 2 on Shannon Moops. An attempted suplex gets a shoddy roll-up by Moore that was really shoddy and he gets popped in the head for it. Moore punches him down, then punches Max away, then gets back body'd by Jeff Buck, tries to tag in Jesse, but he pulls him away.

Reverse pinthing, and fail, and Shannon tags in Jesse Neal who starts beating up on the two of them. OBLIGATORY USS COLE REFERENCE! Top rope cross body on one of those guys, then Jesse does some kind of slam thing on the other guy, and runs at him in the corner but gets kicked in the head. Then propped on the top rope, and Jeremy Fuck is tagged in, and he runs at Max, who slings him up right into Jesse's spear. Shannon tosses the other guy out, and the referee doesn't do shit to count him to five for getting in without a tag. Double team move thing and Jesse pinwins.

WINNAR: Inking

Inking then gets to the ropes to talk trash on Beer Money and says teh book of dilguf or something says they gonna win the championships at Wictory Road. James Storm then smacks his ass down with his own one-liner of Beer Money says they gonna whip their ass and sorry about your damn luck.

Backstage, Anderson Anderson Anderson is taping his wrists and Jeff Hardy comes to put his chair down and sit with his face right in Ken's face and like say What's gonna happen out there tonight Ken? You gfonna turn on me? You gonna stab mne in the back? You gonna hit me with a chair? We're talkiong about Rob Van Dam, whole effin show, and Sting, the Stginarer, the Icon, against YEW? If I were you, I wouldn't like those odds. Anderson ANderson ANdewrson says something smug and shitheadedly, then yells in Hardy's face, proclaiming himself a cretin.

Random Commercial-area Thoughts: Get a job, you stupid son of a bitch

MOMENTS AGO backstage, Pope says he's sick of Samoa Joe and his sidekick, and sooner or later he's gonna put an end to this all. Wictory Road is coming up, and everyone knows it leads to Lockdown. Pope is gonna take it to him, he gonna take him to the streets of Harlem and such. Then, video packagfe of the Jeff Jarrett and Kurt Angle thing.

Then backstage, the Jarretts talk to a cameraman person and such, and say Kurt may have wrecked the ring and everything, but those were minor speedbumps JUMPCUT overall the experience was just short of miraculous JUMPCUT what's next for the Jarrett's? What comes after a wedding, a honeymoon. Mmhmm, he knows they had a great one last August, but this one is gonna be bigger and better. Five star resort, limos, suites, you know what the name of the PPV is this Sunday? Lockdown? Victory Road. Oh. Orlando, Florida. Karen sounds disappointed now! JUMPCUT more description JUMPCUT the lovefest continue, the Jarrett lovefest, it crescendos, all aboard the love train is all the way to Orlando.

Wait, aren't they already in Orlando?

video package pimping the X Division. Job Squad yay. AND NOW FINALLY a pimping of Victory Road and a rundown of its lineup. Too late, no one's buying. Except EVERYONE who is ANYONE in terms of EPIC AWESOME!

Then, instead of a match (fuck that noise) we get a VIDEO PACKAGE for STING HISTORY! Then, instead of wrestling, BACKSTAGE INTARVIEW with Sting! So now he teams up with Rob Van Dam tonight to face other peop,e and such. He says he came bnack to TNA cos he luuuuuuuvs (his own word) stirring it up. It has been a great seven days for him. I'm sure it is when they pay you THOUSANDS and you don't even need to do house shows.

Because he's a shithead, Anderson ANderson attacks him from behind and beats him up backstage and such. Wait, why? He says it's MISTER Anderson to you, and this is MY TNA World championship. No, ken, it's not. Due to Jeremy Borash getting bopped in the attack, the announcer for this match is... a midget! Seriously sounds like one, actually. A female midget or a tiny midget man.

Anderson and Jeff Hardy vs Sting and Rob Van Dam

Apparently Sting isn't coming out, because Anderson is smrtr than ye, and is now beating up on Rob Van Dam alone. Punchy punchy punch. He punches him. PUnch. Then irish whip into a corner, and runs into Rob Van DAm's kick, then he clotheslines him down a few times, and springboard kicks him. Pinfail on Anderson. People chant WE WANT STING a lot. Irish whip on tAnderon and Rob Van tries his monkey flip but Anderson stiffs him just letting him drop. Anderson then... smacks Jeff Hardy upside the head as a tag.

You know what? I'm on break.

Hardy and Dam fight. Pin gets 2 by Rob Van Dam on Hardy. Hardy attmpts to tag in Anderosn, but he drops off the apron and smugs at him. I'm on break again. Eventually Rob Van Dam beats his white supremacist ass off the apron, then Hardy pinfails as Anderson grabs Hebner's arm to stop him.

Anderson then does his shitty shitty Shithead finisher on him. Lights then go out and STING music hits. When we come back, Sting is in the ring and he beats on Anderson, and finishes with a Scorpion Death Drop. Then he points at Rob Van, who goes to do a Five Star Frog Splash on he.

WINNAR: Rob Van Dam and Sting

TNA YAY: T'were shorter than usual

TNA BOO: Ric Flair actually won the street fight

TNA WTF: There's a pay per view on Sunday? Who fucking knew

Go play on my fucking Twitter Captain Halo Feedback if you fucking want: phenomynouss@hotmail.com

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Andariel Halo is a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. She can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. She translates ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees. Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, Andy once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. Children trust her. She knows the exact location of every dairy item in the supermarket. She has performed covert operations for the CIA. She's in bed every day, but sleeps once a week, OH! The laws of physics do not apply to her. One time, she shot her friend in the back of the head with a BB gun, and placed all blame on him.