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TNA IMPACT
REPORT
(03/08/10)
by ANDARIEL HALO

My bandwidth is going to shit here. Why does uploading to Youtube make it seem like I'm downloading a whole 1TB harddrive at full speed? Everything moves slow.

Hey wait, what's this here?

OH MY GOD, IT'S THURSDAY ALREADY?! HOLY FUCK I JUST MISSED SCHOOL!

Wait, I already went to school today... BUT IT'S TUESDAY! WHERE THE FUCK AM I?!

TNA MONDAY NiTRO!

I'm so pissed off I may just OMFG WING IT AND NOT GIVE YOU PLAY BY PLAY because fuck-dammit, it's just too much AWESOME for one week. So someone from TNA had said online that the new theme music was awesome. Well they're wrong. Simple as that. Think the sort of theme music that would be used for RAW or Smackdown. Now genericize it. Now genericize that genericization. Now get a professional band to cover that genericization. There be TNA's new theme.

Also, CAMERON BURGE, WE COMIN FOR YOU, NIGGA!

It's a battle of something involving fashion retroization as Hulk Hogan's music hits, and out comes Hulk Hogan in the red and yellow 90s style and Chris Parks in black outfit that from a distance looks like his old attire, but actually isn't, and has a big red and yellow "A" on the back. FASHION MAKES THE WRESTLER! I ONCE ARGUED FOR A FULL TEN MINUTES ABOUT HOW THE UNDERTAKER WAS BADASS WHEN HIS HAIR WAS LONG AND WET AND GREASY (1996-1998) AND HE SUCKED A DICK WHEN IT WAS DRY AND SHAGGY (1999)! Because dammit, wrestling just isn't gay enough!

Hogan gets on the microphone and says his blood bruther Chris it's time to do something. I forgot. I know he just said it like eight seconds ago. I just forgot. He then says Ric Flair and AJ better start getting ready RIGHT NOW! Because there's nothing like blowing your load early so the fans who tuned in just to see Hogan and Flair can tune right the fuck out once it's done and head back to RAW. Meanwhile Hogan was rambling incoherently, ending with today being TNA's reckoning day. YEAH AND FUCK JANUARY 4TH YOU NIGGERS! That was the 2003 Battlestar Galactica miniseries to the 2004 Battlestar Galactica series!

Dixie Carter, or "MONEY MARK!" as Mark Madden says, gets plenty of screentime doing nothing but smiling at Hulk Hogan. Meanwhile, two Ric Flairs come out, and spin around in concert. It reminded me a whole shit-lot of this:

Ric Flair and Ric Flair vs Hulk Hogan and Chris Parks

So we blow this load early with Chris and Little Boy, who can't irish whip Chris because HE'S LITTLE! WWE AHOY! Now Flair gets tagged in, and he already looks out of breath. Chris goes to lock up with him and somehow Flair pushes him onto the turnbuckle. That was just completely unconvincing. They chop a bit on each other. Then Flair gets back body dorpped. Hulk Hogan then OMFG HEEL TURNS by distracting the referee so Flair can nut-punch Chris, then Flair can suffocate him on his Ric Flair thing. Hogan then enters anyway and gets OMFG PELE~!! OUT OF NOWHERE~!!! by AJ Styles. Now the bad guys beat on them, and people chant something that sounds like "AUSTIN!"

Answering their prayers in some kind of way, here comes THE SAVIOUR, JESUS CH--- STING! Lights go out, music comes up, Sting is standing there with a baseball bat and Flair and AJ stand aside looking all tuff as Sting stands with the good guys.

Okay, pause this here. If I had to place a bet with someone that Sting beats up Chris and Hulk, no one would take my fucking bet except the retards who would lose money, because it's just... that... damn... OBVIOUS! So, Sting inevitably stays face and helps them in annihilating Flair and AJ---no, not really. He beats the shit out of Hogan and Chris, and the three of them smash them up with a steel chair and such. Flair delivers one of the worst chair shots ever on Hogan. It looked and sounded like he just dropped it onto Hogan's head. SO OF COURSE HE MUST BLADE!

Sting then decides to just leave. Haw haw. Meanwhile security comes to break up the stuff.

WINNAR: WWE Raw

Hogan gets on the microphone to splutter "THIS AIN' OVER. LEMME TELL YOU SOMETHIN. WE GONNA FINISH THIS BEFORE THE NIGHT'S OVER" and such. He says Flair keeps changing the rooms, they keep changing the game. And it's gonna be no disqualification. Because he apparently didn't see Sting right fucking there killshitting him. No DQ means he can literally stand in the ring with a flamethrower and just smash their faces in with the fuel tanks. Sometimes, a little thinking about shit can go a few ways.

However, when you're dealing with TNA, you have to deal with this:

NOT EVEN TWENTY MINUTS IN AND ALREADY ONE MATCH AND TWO YOUTUBE CUTAWAY GAGS?! THIS IS TRULY A NEW ERA OF TNA-NESS!

Random Commercial-area Thoughts: S

For reasons stated in the video above, we get a REPLAY OF WHAT JUST HAPPENED! OH YEAH, EXTREEEEME! And backstage, Sting is wandering around. Suddenly MONEY MARK appears to push him, and he shoves her against the wall and is like "I OWE YOU NOTHING, DIXIE" sounding like he's afraid of her, but MAKING A STAND ANYWAY! TOTALLY HEELISH BEHAVIOR!

Backstage again, JAY BEE intarviews Ric and Ric Flair. Ric Flair says "THERE'S NO DO-OVERS IN WRESTLING!" This ain't ballet. Flair puts up his fists and says this is Hogan and Chris Parks' blood, despite them being clean. Tonight is Ric Flair and AJ Ric's night, and he doesn't care if they're in Universal Studios or in Heaven, they are going out in an ambulance courtesy of AJ Woo and the Nature Boy. His words, by the way.

Backstage again, Chris Parks is bleeding and squealing "WHY STING?!" Invincible old Abyss what?

Random Commercial-area Thoughts: "The Hurt Locker" is made of win and deserves every Oscar it got and more. "Avatar" being merely nominated for anything short of visual effects is an insult to cinema.

BACKSTAGE, two random blondes are talking about someone not being okay. Crying blonde hates seeing someone do this to himself.

In the ring is... Mini Scott Hall? I thought it was Scott Hall. Damn, his face looks all Razor Ramon greasy and stubble-y. MINI SCOTT HALL says he had doubt about himself, but LIVE IN THE iMPACT ZONE TONIGHT, that doubt is gone! The reason he came back is to re-ignite the flame of the X Division, or as Eric Bischoff calls them "Do what?" KAAZ says if TNA is going to war, let the WARRIAHZ of the X Division lead the battle.

MEANWHILE, here be Daniels Daniels. He wants to make abundantly available to the senses and the opposite of opaque. If anyone is going to lead the X Division, it shall not be poppycockery lead by buffoons---it shall be lead by CHRISTOPHER DANIELS and he said his first name, FORBIDDEN FORBIDDEN! On this historic night, he tells Eric Bischoff and the world that he and he alone will carry the X Division to the highest of heights, because he is Ecks.

MEANWHILE, here be TEH DOUG, who is champion of the X Division. I seriously don't remember him ever winning this championship. What the hell did I miss while I was covering TNA? People chant USA and he tells them to shut their mouths, then goes on to say the X Division is alive and well because he's champion. Your British logic is ffffffflawless.

KAAZ says while he was pioneering the X Division, where was TEH DOUG? Ecks speaks up and is all like he was here first and he did it all too and no one cares about KAAZ. KAAZ calls Ecks a selfish prick. Some music I've never heard before plays. Something incredibly generic. Wait, what? When the fuck did Eric Bischoff get this music? Since back in January 4th? WHEN DID I MISS ALL OF THIS?

Bischoff says he was so excited about being in TNA because of the X Division, and it's the heart of TNA... which is why he's said and done buttfuck nothing about the X Division since first coming here. YOU HURT THE THINGS YOU LOVE! Bischoff says KAAZ and Ecks and TEH DOUG will have their match in... now

KAAZ vs Ecks vs TEH DOUG

They start with some cheap flimsy-ass rollups and shit until Ecks fixes that shit up, owns TEH DOUG and such. He then slippery jabs at KAAZ, who starts tossing punches and beating off THEH DOUG, who taunts by holding his fist and wiggling his head like a fagnut. KAAZ rolls up TEH DOUG, then Daniels Daniels runs at him for a DDT, but gets a Northern Lights Suplay and pinnt. He then double headscissors them when his pin gets 2.

Outside the ring, TEH DOUG and Ecks suckerpunch a bit so KAHZ can jump to the outside. At some point, I just get tired of matches so heavily and blatantly scripted, even X matches. KAAZ tries a slingshot legdorp but TEH DO UG moves, then kicks him in his MINI SCOTT HALL face and such.

To show just how much they care about this match, DIXIE CARTER IS SHOWN BACKSTAGE and the announcers talk about her and Sting. This is just like what Mark Madden said! See how I listen to what he says all the time? That makes me unique. "If the X Division matters so much, why are Tenay and Taz talking about Sting and Dixie Carter?"

The b... what? Shut up. Ecks STO's the blue guy, then does a on the rope smoonsault thing and then runs at KAAZ and slams into him, then gets a Digital Video Disc on him and pins gets 2. TEH DOUG gets on the top rope so Ecks can predictably climb up, but they hop off and exchange clotheslines which they both no-sell, which is so completely blatantly a setup for KAAZ to double dorpkick them, it was even worse than that jump to the outside thing he did. How can an X match be so stale and predictable? TNA, that's how~!

KAAZ runs and springboard elbows Ecks, then springboard legdorps and pin gets 2. Ecks tries for a Pedigree, but THE DOUG attacks from the top rope, then tries a Chaos Theory Suplay thing, but Christoph rolls him up as he's rolling up so he can pin them both but gets 2. Daniels Daniels then gets kicked in the face by KAAZ and spinning swinging neckbreaker and pin gets 2. Ecks then gets him for a standing Rock Bottom and bumps TEH DOUG out of the ring. Now he does a Bowel Movement Extreme but lands on his feet as KAAZ moves.

TEH DOUG wanders in, does his Chaos THeory Suplay and pinsfallssz.

WINNAR: British people

ZOMFG JESSE F--- no wait, it's Shannon Moore, or as he's known throughout the world, "Who?" or as he's known by me "HEE HAWWWW! HONK HONK HONK!" He beats up TEH DOUG, then Eric Bischoff says that's how he likes it. And this is his opponent at Destination X. Then he says "SURPRISE!" Wow, they actually made a genericized version of Shannon Moore's shitty single-guitar theme from the WWE, only it sucks less.

speaking of attention whores, here be Dixie Carter on Jay Bee's intarview. She then angrily puts Sting in a match against HE'LL FIND THAT OUT WHEN EVERYONE ELSE DOES!

Random Commercial-area Thoughts: Dennis Miller time; here's an intriguing comparison to make, in Ancient Rome, about the time of the late Republic, there was a faction called the Optimates (Best Men) who were ultra conservative. They were opposed by Gaius Julius Caesar, and his faction called the Populares. The actions of the Optimates could best be described as "Oppose anything and everything introduced in the Senate even remotely tied with Caesar". And then they broke it by breaking the law and denying Caesar his legal right to stand for Consulship in absentia, forcing him to invade. This is pretty much exactly what the Republicans of today are doing---opposing anything and everything even remotely tied with Obama.

Was there a joke in there? This is MY fucking Chocolate Factory---you don't get to have stuff.

Speaking of complete and utter disgusting burial, here be Sarita and Taylor Wilde, and in a move of total bullshit that doesn't even make sense if you're a mark, they say that Hamada and Awesome Kong have been stripped of the Knerkout Tag team titles because they have failed to defend them in 30 days.

Who the fuck is in charge in TNA?

The Horrible People vs Taylor Wilde ans Sarita vs Tarantula and Angelina Love

So Taylor and someone. Tag team rules go completely above video as Velvet Sky tags herself in by tagging out Sarita. Then there's some Horrible People doubleteaming Taea, then Angelina Love dominates in. Then Daffney comes in for no reason and killshits Angelina with a championship belt so the Horrible People can slut their way to the top.

WINNAR: THE HORRIBLE PeOPLE

Backstage, the redhead interviews a black man, who must therefore have a massive pen0r. He will gets a TITLE SHOT... AT LOCKDOWN IN APRIL. Wow, will they even remember by that time? He talks shit about Desmoy Fail before Fail attacks him randomly and says something British while using chains and twisting His Holy Darkness's ankle. I swear they added cheesy "cracking" sound effects to make it sound more devastating.

BACKSTAGE, STING WALKING DOWN SOME STAIRS!

The Taz completely BUTTFUCKS UP THE MYSTERY OF WHO STING'S OPPONENT IS by asking Tenay what he was doing at 4:20 this afternoon. HAHAHA YOU GET IT SEE? COS 420 IS A POPULAR NUMBER FOR POTHEADS AND ROB VAN DAM IS A POTHEAD AND TNA JUST HIRED A CONFIRMED DRUG USER AND JUST PROUDLY TOUTED IT ON CABLE TELEVISION!

Random Commercial-area Thoughts: No. You can't do that.

Backstage, the Horrible People drink wine and pour it on Jay Bee and Lacey wonders if she's a TNA Knerkout Tag team champion, too. And because of video above, we get a REPLAY of what Sting did tonight. Mike TNA and The Taz act as though Sting weakly pushing Dixie Carter is akin to kicking a dog in the face.

Sting vs Rob Van Dam

It was SUPPOSED to be a surprise, but The Taz just fucked our shit up by being a douchefag spoiler. Hilariously, The Taz says the fans are ANGRY at Sting... while virtually everyone in the front row is bowing to him and he says well some of them are. He then says you can hear some boos... No. You can't.

Oh, and people are chanting "RVD" already. He gets an entrance theme that is appropriately slow and druggy-sounding. He appears in the crowd and gets on the top rope to kick Sting in the chest, then go for Rolling Thunder and pinfalls.

WINNAR: Rob Van Dam

Because that was just too easy, Sting killshits RVD with the bat. The Taz lies and says it was an awesome debut for Rob Van Dam... getting utterly destroyed by Stink, looking like he got his throat crushed in. Suddenly Sting turns from the ramp and heads back down, shoving away a referee, then bashes him up with the bat. Again and again. He then killshits two referees on the ramp, and goes back down to kill Rob Van Dam some more. He hits him again with the bat. Let me tell you some of the feedback RVD's debut has gotten:

Sting's massacre of RVD is reminiscent of the Rodney King beatdown. "Please drop the camera and help me." - Mark Madden

"The beat down of RVD 20 seconds into his debut in TNA was mind boggling. I don't understand how so many talented people can be so clueless." - Chris Jericho

Hulk Hogan comes out now, with Bubba the Love Sponge all restraining him and such, and holding him back as he tries to go for Sting, and security mysteriously tries to hold Hogan back. See above video for further creative context. Oh, and just for further burial, Sting killshits Rob Van Dam EVEN FURTHER. ALL WHILE SECURITY HOLDS HOLK HOGAN BACK!

Oh that's right. Twice in one segment. Hulk Hogan lunges for the ring but security keeps him back. Sting GOES RIGHT THE FUCK BACK TO KILLING THE SHIT OUT OF ROB VAN DAM! HE THEN BASHES HOGAN RIGHT IN THE FUCKING GUT WITH THE BAT WITH SECURITY CLINGING TO HOGAN!

As security hauls Hogan away, Sting runs up and bats him up with his bat. Security then goes to crowd around Hogan, completely ignoring Sting.

Speaking of completely ignoring, Taz wonders why Sting would've done this all. Completely ignoring that whole business a few months ago of him fearing for his own employment with Hogan's coming and shit.

Speaking of shit, here's Kevin Nash coming out with his bitch Eric Young. Nashicles has in his hands a contract that says ONE TIME AND ONE TIME ONLY: HALL AND WALTMAN will be allowed in the iMPACT zone for a match at Destination X against Nash and Eric Young.

Commercials come and go and they're still in the ring with no Scott Hall or X-Pac. People loudly chant "HALL IS WASTED!" Tenay then wonders how they keep getting into the building week after week. The Taz thinks they might have the munchies. And here be them coming in from some area of the arena. Security then goes to be fucking retarded some more, going to flank Nash and Young. Because ONLY THE BEST POLICE OFFICERS go and flock around a rape victim, and let the rapist stand around, just waiting for him to attack again!

Hall gets in the ring with a microphone and says: Acknowledgementations upon thee, doth thou comprehend and have my attention? Or as the Germans say, "Hey yo"

Scott Hall says 2/3rds of the legendary Wolfpac are in this building, and calls Nash "Big Sellout" and calls him Hogan's stooge. He then says that Hogan ribbing him, and saw what Sting did, and Hogan ain't runnin' the shizzow. LOL CARNY TALK WRASSLIN SLANG! He says his lawyers said something involving them and wanting cuts and beat you and beat you and you take that, hand it to Terry Taylor, tell him to hand it to Dixie Carter and we want our fat money contract.

See my forum post? I said when I saw Criss Angel talking to Santino Marella, I smelled alcohol as soon as he spoke. I smelled alcohol tonight as soon as Hall got up in Nash's face and spoke. I AM MIRACLE!

Eric Bischoff is sitting in a random chair backstage and talks on the titantron being all like he'll give them a contract if they win but if they don't, they leave TRNA forever despite having been fired already. They shake hands, but then X-Pac slaps Eric, so he tackles X-Pac and security just fucking JUMPS on EVERYONE. Bischoff then commands from the screen, saying he's damn sick of paying overtime for security, so they're gonna do something different---they lock the damn doors, get Hall and Nash away, and tells Young to slap that punk upside his bitchhead.

Eric Young vs X-Pac

X-Pac starts with kicks and such, then Eric totally botches a clothesline out of the ring where X-Pac doesn't move at all. A bunch of stuff, then X-Pac is in control. He then tries a bronco buster but it misses and Eric Young piledrivers him.

WINNAR: little bitch

OUTSIDE, A US ARMY HUMVEE pulls up and a bunch of "soldiers" come out. Tenay thinks it's a takeover. Moron.

Random Commercial-area Thoughts: They should have put you in a glass jar on a mantlepiece. Where were you when Paul was suckling at your mother's teat? Where were you? Who was nursing you, poor Eli- one of Bandy's sows? That land has been had. Nothing you can do about it. It's gone. It's had. You lose.

The "soldiers" arrive to shitty generic drumbeaty stuff, and flank the ramp so Kurtle can come out with his own music and such. What a fucking suckup bitch motherfucker. The "soldiers" then flank the ring and Angle goes inside. He says Mr Anderson, welcome back. Weeee missed you. But not really; he said he brought his closest "friends" out here. These are the men and womerns who represent the US. I see no cunts among them, so he's a damn liar.

More shilling and arse licking of them. Slow and painful. He's saying more, but I stopped watching. Boy, new South Park has completely and utterly lost touch with what made it great. Like that Succubus episode, Chef's father's constant btiching about the Loch Ness monster trying to bum $3.50 from him. That is fucking awesome.

Oh hey, here be Neo, saying for Angle to stop his constant grandstanding,a nd calls the soldiers high-school dropouts. Well, he's not wrong, really. All of a sudden, Angle is backstage and blasts Neo, and they start fighting out to the arena. Angle tosses Neo in so Neo can chuck him in the forehead with the medal. Now suddenly soldiers get up and stand on the ramp to be all zombie-like in standing off with Neo. They end up back in the ring and Angle tosses him out so the "soldiers' can conveniently beat on him very much like wrestlers would. THey then toss him in, and Angle tosses him out on the other side so the other soldiers can do the same.

Then he tosses them out another direction so the rest of them can be exposed as independent wrestlers. Angle then Olympic Slams. Angle then gets an American flag and rides on the "soldiers'" shoulders.

Commercisl studff.

Backstooge, Stooge is talking to Hulk Hogan trying to get him to stop it, saying he looks terrible and such and think about Brooke and Jennifer and sushc And sthing and here be Earl Hebner coming in,all like he needs a second chance. Bubba bitches some more, and Hogan says stuff and says Earl can help him cos he's in a bad spot. First Bubba needss to let this go and promise him to stay out of his bidness and it would be an honor to be int he ring with Earl Hebbner and it's not going good with his son who is in California and he has to stop this thing if it gets out of control and such.

Destination X rundown lineup

Backstage, Jeff Jarrett says bye to Mick Foley, then finds James Storm, wondering if Bitchoff forced them into the match and James Swift is all like he volunteered for this match hahahaha and Jarrett bitches him out. Storm doesn't care about everything Jeff Jarrett's done for him, and wonders what Jarrett has done for him. What? Jarrett attacks him, and Roode ambushes him so they can beat on him.

When we return from commecials, all of a sudden Mick Foley is in the ring and Jeff Jarrett is beign beaten on by Baer Munny on the outside. Apparently we were just told now that Foley is the special guest referee. And those etiquette lesson things were just completely fucking dropped?

Beer Money vs Jeff Jarrett

Zzzz

WINNAR: Beer Money

Backstafge CXhris Parks tries to stop Hulk Hogan but suddenly Brooke Hogan comes in and cries on Hogan. Hogan tries to reassure him and tells Brooke he doesn't want him out there. He was really hurt by Hogan going out there like that, and to him, he's his dad. BUT DAMMIT, FUCKING BITCH, "The Wrestler" AHOY! He promises Brooke that ChrisParks will have his back. Brooke demands he promise him one thing: Just make this his last time. Hogan promises that, which is lulzy. Because it's a damn lie.

Back from commercials, it's your CONTINUED main event. Is WWE Raw looking good, Burge? You fucking faggot, Burge.

AJ Flair and Ric Flair vs Chris Parks and Hulk Hogan

You motherfucker, Cameron Burge. You're a fucking hack, you know that? You have nO TALENT! And NO PASSION for this buzness! YOU ARE SCUM! YOU ARE FILTH! YOU DON'T DESERVE THE A-SHOW OF THE A-COMPANY RECAPPING! You churn out random shit in half an hour with fierce playbyplay and whine and cry and bitch! You never have any REAL jokes or fun stuff in your damn piece of shit! None of your commercial thoughts have context, and if I didn't know what commercials you meant, it's just meaningless bullshit words to us! You goddamn stupid son of a bitch.

Random Commercial-area Thoughts: Mixed-race people are rarely pretty. You know it.

Back to the match. You motherfucker Burge if I knew you I'd just go and hurt you. Stupid son of a bitch I'm getting tired of yer shit. Your recaps are trash and your opinions are trash. Nothing ever fucking entertains you, nothing the WWE does ever sates you, what do you want? What the fuck do you fucking want you fucking bastard? WHAT would fucking please you? You want more wrestling? Trade with me---trade a recap night with me, you cuntlicking dicksucking faggot.

Let's see how you like your WWE Raw when you're stuck recapping THIS goddamn fucking piece of shit show that makes Raw look like fucking Law and Order in comparison! There is NOTHING compelling about TNA right now! NOTHING! NOTHING COMPELLING AT ALL! How will you fucking deal with this? Or will you fucking puss out and bitch and whine and moan and croan, and then give 8 paragraph play by plays for the latest X Division spotmonkey botchfest? You're a fucking tool, you could just copy-paste the play by play of any of your old reviews, rewrite the names, and nobody would fucking notice.

Oh hey, it's Jeff Hardy. Desmond Fail and Pope Blackadictus I beat on each other and suddenly Jeff Harvey's stoner music hits. He gets in and starts killshitting the heels a bunch.

WINNAR: Ehh... let's just say Hulk Hogan. He would've won anyway.

TNA YAY: Ehh... let's just say Hulk Hogan

TNA BOO: Ehh... let's just say Hulk Hogan

TNA OVERALL: Ehh...

You've just been Halonic Death Ray'd, and like I say every week, if I'm not back within two or three weeks, consider me dead.

Feedback if you want: phenomynouss@hotmail.com

Andariel Halo is a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. She can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. She translates ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees. Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, Andy once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. Children trust her. She knows the exact location of every dairy item in the supermarket. She has performed covert operations for the CIA. She's in bed every day, but sleeps once a week, OH! The laws of physics do not apply to her. One time, she shot her friend in the back of the head with a BB gun, and placed all blame on him.

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TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).