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TNA IMPACT
REPORT
(03/04/10)
by ANDARIEL HALO

Just when boredom threatens to overcome your lazy Snail-mode game of Civilization 4: Rise of Mankind: A New Dawn modmodmod and cause you to want to try knife roulette with your hand, here comes

TNA iMPACT!

Oh that's right. What else would you do on Thursday nights at 9pm? There is NOTHING on TV at that time but this. And damn anyone who says otherwise.

Video recap of last week's stuff involving Chris Parks and Ric Flair and AJ Styles and Desmond Fail being a Failbaby who runs away when Chris Parks points at him. Speaking of which, what's the WWE scene like these days? What happened to Triple H dominating the RAW main event scene? What the hell is up in the Smackdown thing? Is it just Edge and Jericho and no one else? Whatever happened to that Tommy Dreamer, Jack Swigger, Christian Cage angle on WWECW?

LIVE THIS MONDAY will see Ric Flair shitting on Shawn Michaels and Hulk Hogan busting another hip.

Speaking of shit, here be Ric Flair and AJ Styles on the way to the ring and such, with generic-looking women in dresses around them, presumably inexpensive escorts, the kind who get spit on by the types bought by Eliot Spitzer, but who are idolized by streetwalkers and brothelkin.

Ric Flair speaks about wanting to apologize to Hulk Hogan and TNA and give them presents. I initially wrote Chris Parks, but silly me, he's not an ex-WWE or ex-WCW superstar, so no one gives a fuck about him. Hulk Hogan comes out with Chris Parks anyway. "Invincible Abyss" what? I'm bored already.

Before Ric Flair says another word, he wants to assume this will be a peaceful conversation. He wants to tell Hulk Hogan that as a result of their bad judgment and poor conduct, they're going to set him up with a jetpack. Oh wait, more; a jetpack full of rocket fuel, and as many of the four hookers he wants. He then says Chris Parks gets nothing. Yeah, fuck TNA originals!

Hulk Hogan says he doesn't want to bum a cigarette or a viagra off him. What he's here to talk about is how he promised Dixie Carter and his family and made an oath to the wrestlers that he wouldn't climb in the ring and lace his boots up, and that he would help the company. But after what TWO of the hundreds of people in the company did, he's going to renege on that shit. That's right---TWO out of HUNDREDS of employees will cause Hulk Hogan to betray those hundreds in his promise.

So Hogan guesses there's just one question left to ask: Where's our refu--- I mean, "What are you gonna do..." and Chris Parks finishes "WHEN HULK HOGAN AND ABYSSAMANIA RUN WILD ON YOOOOOOOOU?"

Ric Flair mentions two years ago he retired in front of the whole world, on the highest note possible. BUT, he's here now. And for the same petty, bullshit reasons, he's willing to betray THE WHOLE WORLD because of Hulk Hogan.

Wait a minute, what's the fucking world next to HULK HOGAN? NOTHING, THAT'S WHERE!

AJ says HE is King now, he has title, and championship and such. He bitches out Hogan on something I wasn't paying attention to. He thinks Hogan looks great in his old man-ness, and is all casual and touching Hogan, and even Ric is like "whoa no" and backing off and such, then he says "FOUR DAYS< WE GONNA DO IT, I'LL SEE YOU MONDAY" and they leave---

NOT. QUITE. SO. FAST! Eric Bischoff comes out, and says AJ has got some bidness to take care of tonight, FOR THE WORLD IS HOLLOW AND I HAVE TOUCHED THE SKY. Or as Eric Bischoff said, he has a big match tonight, a four corners match against Chris Parks, His Holy Darkness Pope Blackadictus I D'Angelo Dinero, and Fail.

Speaking of failure, backstage here is the Fail himself, with a hooker beside him. He says Jay Bee should take a look in his pocket to find something or whatever. He then says he'll find a scotch egg and something... and... find... serendipity... and "Sound of Music"... and he says BOLLOCKS to "When God closes the door he opens a window", kicks it open, tells an avian winged creature to close that window and...

See, this is why people hate the British. They jabber on this ridiculous language they claim is English, but I highly doubt the English of the old days spoke like this. He says he can beat that... "windowlicker" Chris Parks... no idea how licking windows is supposed to be an insult, or that... "chev"... "Poop" Dinero. Fucking British. The whore at his side says that that ring Chris Parks is wearing is beautiful and she wants it. What a fucking child. As a matter of fact, present a birth certificate! I think she may be a child.

Also, SCOTCH EGG:

Random Commercial-area Thoughts: I

Now, for a SECOND WEEKLY "TAKE THAT" COMPLETELY UNSUBTLE, UNFUNNY, UNPRODUCTIVE, AND ALL AROUND UNLIKEABLE, OFF-PUTTING, MAKES-YOU-LOOK-LIKE-A-VINDICTIVE-PETTY-SAD-LITTLE-MAN, MOMENT: ERIC BISCHOFF on the phone with no one really, saying how creating a Football league to compete with the NFL is the stupidest fucking thing ever.

Says the man who brought DENNIS FUCKING RODMAN in to do a few armdrags for a million dollars, and let go of Chris Jericho and Chris Benoit for no real reason beyond the above-mentioned dash-filled remark.

Speaking of petty little men, here's Jeff Jarrett! He says he ain't going anywhere and gives back the cooking tools he used. Eric Bischoff is like he kinda holds his position for the younger talents to aspire to and he's happy to see him living up to everyone's expectations and such. Jarrett wants to get down to bidness

While Eric Bischoff was in the bathroom, something flashed in his head like a million neon lights---Jeff Jarrett is the man for the job here at TNA... to unclog the toilets in the bathrooms. See, I saw this coming as soon as he said "men's room", so I think this is a great idea until Bischoff brings out a real plunger for him. Jarrett has been here since day 1, and he's seen ALL the TNA janitors... but you're looking at the BEST TNA JANITOR EVER!

I love this idea for Jarrett---he gets saddled with shitty (no pun) jobs, and resolves to be THE BEST THERE'S EVER BEEN!

Speaking of total burial, here be the Motor City Machine Guns.

Motor City Machine Gunnaz vs THOSE GUYS vs Beer Munny vs The guys without a team name (C)

Chris Sabin starts with THAT GUY and they flip around a bit with their hands locked. Cabin then arm drags, then tags in Shellith, then they irish whip and double team stuffs and such and you should have seen it because I can't word it and such. They pin but gets 2. Shellith steps on GUY's hand and now arm wrenches and but gets it revarsed and THAT GUY tags in THE GUY and he backflips onto his feet to... chop at Shelly's back. Or something. Nice way to retire at 40 from injuries. Shellith beats his ass back and tags in Chris Satan. Satin shoves at that guy when he's irish whipped, but the THE GUYS double team move on him with a guillotine thing.

Hernando now tagged in and gets kicked by THE ONE GUY on the turnbuckle. He holds him up and does some gorilla press stuff and hoisting him up and down. See, "Gorilla" cos he's big and Mexican. He was gonna do a springboard thing while The Taz calls him a "stiff machine" but then Morganate tags himself in. CONTROVERSY ABOUNDS! TEAMS WILL BREAK UP! HEEL FACES WILL COME!

Isn't it not-great how such future storylines can be forseen just from the actions of one guy doing stuff out of the usual for him? THOSE GUYS try stuff on Morganite but he grabs them both for a double chokeslam, then boots James Storm and chokeslams them. The Murder Guns hilariously don't give a shit and watch. JAMES STORM trips him up and Robert Roode runs in to pin him with a SUPER DUPER ROLLUP

WINNARS: Beer Moneys

Morganite is all shamefaced but smug and Hernandez all shamefaced and mean.

Speaking of the recently fired, here's Val Venis, or as he's called SEAN MORELY. He's in Eric Bischoff's office and Bischoff mentions Jarrett wants to be in a match. So he sets up Jarrett and Venis. He thent ells him to go into the bathroom to eff with Jarrett, but not in those words. It's falls count anywhere, so clearly he intends on having him pin him via a swirly. Live on PPV. I'd pay to see that shit. Remember the old days of the WWF Hardcore division? Best thing about the WWF in those days. PERIOD, MOTHERFUCKER.

Random Commercial-area Thoughts: The best reason to not be an atheist and to believe in God and Heaven: It's just too heartbreaking to think that everyone who died in late 1977, 1978, 1979, and early 1980, will never discover that Darth Vader is Luke Skywalker's father.

Here be Hulk Hogan and Kurt Angle now coming in licking Hogan's taut little asshole in sucking up to him. He says Hogan is too important to go out into the ring and offers to put hisself out there, BROKEN FREAKIN NECK AND ALL. But Hogan is all like "This is my last shot and I gotta get respect for myself" and such. He wants to be part and he needs to earn respect for himself. Angle's like okay, he'll be watching close. "The Wrestler" ahoy!

Speaking of TOTAL NONSTOP ACTION WRESTLING... HERE'S VIDEO CLIPS OF MICK FOLEY IN ETIQUETTE SCHOOL! He offers to button up her cleavage-exposing suit first. She tells him to help her remove her coat, then have him walk for her. He struts hilariously. She mentions his jacket and such, then goes back to his hair, and Foley says he has surprisingly gentle eyes and he's afraid if he gets rid of some of his hair from his face, that secret will be revealed.

She hopes he won't scare people if he's out in public. She wants him to tuck in and button up his jacket and not walk like an ape.

THIS IS WHY YOU LOVE ME: I COVER THIS BULLSHIT PLAY BY PLAY WHEREAS CAMERON BURGE JUST WHINES AND BITCHES AND SKIPS OVER IT TALKING ABOUT HOW MUCH IT SUCKS AND HE SUCKS.

Speaking of suck, here's Venis outside of the bathroom. He tells the ref to ring the bell. The referee is confused, like the bald retard he is, so he finally decides to go "DING DING DING" with his voice. Meh... good enough, you fag.

Val Venis vs Jeff Jarrett, FALLS COUNT ANYWHERE

Venis rushes inside, sees Jeff mopping, and blasts him in the head with punches, then tosses him into the handicap stall and slams his head on the door, repeatedly. Loads of cursing, and more punchies. SUCKER PUNCHES, says Tenay. Jarrett gets tossed into some kind of shower-y area onto the tile wall, then put on the ground and surprisingly, he kicks out of the pin.

The ref finally explain thsi is a falls count anywhere match, and Venis opens the door to slam it on Jarrett's arm.

Venis pins Jarrett again in a highly sexual-looking position.

WINNAR: Val Venis

Venis then takes the referee to go talk to Eric Bischoff.

BACKSTATGE SOMEWHERE ELSE His Holy Darkness is with the redhead for WIN and INTERVIEWS. He says when it comes to low down dirty dogs, no good thieves like Dick Flair and Nature Boy Crap Sidekick AJ Styles, they tried to put down the black man like a mule who's seen better days, but TONIGHT THE POPE HAS ARRIVED and they can't be too happy abotu that. But then again, His Holy Doctor cannot be too happy about that, either. He then says he will leave the iMPACT Zone. Oh, as TNA World Championship.

He then says if that big-nosed horse-tooth banana-nose Ric Flair gets involved,he's gonna reach WAYY back into the 1980s and pull out a Pimp Slap especially for him. His Holy Father hath spokenth.

Random Commercial-area Thoughts: Multiply the death, divide by sex, add up the violence, what do you get?

Video Package for the British people and Big Roid having Roid Rage and betraying the Fake Roman and the Doug.

TEH DOUG vs Big Roid Terry

Big Roid has a stupid-looking angry face. It looks like Chris Masters pouting with Ken Shamrock's eyes. He shoves TEH DOUG to the turnbuckle then picks him up for a Gorilla press slam. Then he picks him up for that old standby for lunchwagon hoss sonsofbitches who can't wrestle; THE BEAR HUG! TEH DOUG escapes, and runs and kicks him int he face with a jumping leg lariat. Big Roid then just picks him up, walks around, and gets shoved into the turnbuckle by TEH DOUG but reverses and elbows him, then slams him.

He gets down and pins him.

WINNAR: BIG ROID TERRY

Here be LVCIVSIVNIVSBRVTVSMAGNVS to beat on Big Roid and all like "Don't eva turn yoh back on me" and such.

Backstage, Jeff JArrett sneaks up on Jarrett's guy wiggling his arm, then wrenches his arm hard so Jarrett can squeal. He's then all like "ENough of these freakin' games, what do you want?" and such, he's sick of Jarrett's crap. Bischoff's like "You wanted a match, I gave you a match" and he's like "BUT NOTTINA BATHROOM!" and Bischoff's like "You're so picky" and I agree. Faggot, I'd have been all over the porn star in the bathroom. Well, not in that way.

Bischoff then gives him another match---tonight in the ring.

Completely giving away what's to come, they show Mister Ken backstage dressed as Kurt Angle. You fucked up, TNA.

Random Commercial-area Thoughts: They want to sell it out, buy it up, dumb it down. A good God is hard to find. I'll join the crowd that wants to see me dead; right now I feel I belong for the first time.

NOW MOAR ETIQUETTE SCHOOL! They put a book on Foley's head and tell him to walk. He does it with his arms stiff, and she chastises him. He mentions having a book coming out September 2010. She tells him to sit down and get up in some way, but he mentions pubic bone issues and needs help. She clears her throat, and he wonders if it's cold and flu season. BUT NO, she wants him to pull out the chair for her. In which case, he'll need to be helped back up. LULZ!

She then mentions B's and D's with her hands on the table. He wonders if this awkward position would be better COS EVERY GUY LOVES A SET OF DOUBLE D'S HAHAHA! As for napkins on the lap: he has his own: MISTER SOCKO! She does a polite Aristocrat version of a facepalm, with her hands on her cheeks.

Video package of this Neo and Angle fyewd. Then, the thing that was spoiled earlier: Mister Neo dressed as a monkey. Oh wait, that's his own dumb self, with a Kurt Angle outfit. For some reason he looks like a monkey. He also has a lunch tray with "LOSER" on it to pretend to be the thing Angle wears. He pretends to be Kurt Angle and his voice and all like "I am the best wrestler in the world today" and Pot calls the Kettle Black by saying He/Angle is the most injury-prone wrestler in the sport today.

LOLWUT?!

Also, some retard in the audience has a sign that says "MR ANDERSUCK" Andersuck thinks he BROKE HIS FREAKIN NECK for the seventeenth time, and mentions how he broke his neck tying his shoes, broke his neck walking his dog, and how he broke his freakin neck in the bathroom and actually mentions "broke my freakin neck" and people in the crowd go "HEEEEY!!" all happy-like. He then mentions this one time at bandcamp, but pauses...

ENOUGH about that. Mister Anderson... you son of a (censored)... you carved up my forhead with this piece of crap around my neck (indicating the lunch tray, thing) then pretends that ANgle doesn't give a damn about the troops, in a moment of shitty art imitating life, and how it's a ploy to gain fan sympathy, and think he's a real swell guy.

OH NOESZ here comes the real Kurt Angle and Neo lays in some weak-ass punches that he NO SELLS and starts beating on Neo a bunch but he stumblesb ack and exits the ring but OH NOESZ he goes after him but OH NEOSZ NEO spurts some liquid in his face and beats on him and throws him int he ring and mocks Angle taking down the straps, and getrs Angle in an Olympic Slam that may have just BROKE HIS FREAKING NECK. He then takes off his baldcap, and hilariously uses its rubbery-ness to shoot it at Angle's head. HE NOSELLS THAT, TOO!

Anderson then jacks his WARRIAH medal.

Random Commercial-area Thoughts: You can point your gun at me, and hope it will go away. If God was alive, he would hate you anyway.

Backstage, Chris Parks runs into Hulk Hogan. He's all he needs to talk to Hulk Hogan and Hogan's like "yeah whatdoyouneedbuddy" and Chris is like he didn't have a very good childhood and wasn't raised really well and he has to get this off his chest and such; when he was a little boy, his mother wouldn't let him watch television, but he'd still manage to sneak upstairs and turn on that 8x8 black and white television, turn the sound down, and watch HULK HOGAN! And one day, the only thing she ever did for him; she bought him tickets to see Hulk Hogan and he went and got to see it and becaus eof HulK Hogan, he got into wrestling and such.

Hogan's all like "I knew you were watching me" and such and Chris is like he always gots Hulk's back and how last week when he saw Hogan's blood pouring down his face and he was holding Hogan and such, it really affected him. Hulk Hogan gave him this ringu and this ringu encompasses AALL of the Hulkamaniacs AALL over this world, and he can do this and such and he can take care of AJ and Ric Flair on his own, so please, he implores you, let me handle it.

Hulk Hogan's like "Would you ever just push me aside?" and such and he's like NEVER and Hogan's like "You and I are the same" and they're family and such and what happened was not his fault; he was in the wrong place at the wrong time and the reason things are gonna be okay is that when he gave him this ringu it was the only thing that ever loved him and such and now that Chris Parks has the power and such, nothing's ever gonna happen to Hogan again, cos Chris Parks is gonna help him.

All those kids out there that believed in him will now believe in Chris Parks. Because thes ebig arms of Chris Parks, everyone knows that Hogan is protected and in that ring Monday Night when they come at Hogan with all the hatred, Chris Parks is gonna protect him, they're doing it together, he loves him, they love each other. Thank you for protecting me.

<3<3<3<3<3<3<3

1.1 ratings, people.

Speaking of something we almost completely forgot, it's a video package involving The Horrible People and Angelina Love. And tonight, Angelina Love was in a photoshoot when the Horrible People randomly attacked her, and the cameraguy tried to intervene too late to be tossed off by Lacey Von Erich like the dog he is. They then hold a nigga's arms and lay her out to whup her. Velvet Sky freaks out on Lacey for thinking maybe it's enough, and she yells at her and whups a niggress some more.

Random Commercial-area Thoughts: My Right Wing is flapping, the Left one is gray. Let's hear it for the kids but nothing they say. They gyrate and G-rate on Election Day, we got our A-B-C's, and our F- U- C-K's

Angelina Love comes out to ANGRILY demand Velvet Sky come out. Being the moron she is, she comes out all smirking and mocking, then Angelina exits the ring and Velvet's like "WOT? THIS AINT A BATTLE ROYAL?" and freaks out and runs, but Angelina catches her and starts killshitting her on the outside of the ring before tossing her in. I thought they were chanting "YOU FUCKED UP" at something she did, but they're actuallyl chanting "USE THE BELT"

Before she can, the rest of the Horrible People come out to beat on her and such. They whip Angelina Love some more and pose. Moronic Mike Tenay would have you think they "ripped the flesh right off the back of Angelina Love" and proceed to show not even a drop of blood.

Speaking of morons, here's Bubba the Cum Sponge in Hogan's office, fasttalking some shit, and OH NOES CALLS HIM "TERRY" STOP SHOOTING BUBBA! Hogan then proceeds to say "I'm me, and you're not me" which is good news cos I was almost confused. Hogan then says the one thing that never left him was this business. Bubba mentions Nick Hogan, Brooke Hogan, and himself and such. He then delivers lines straight out of cheeseball straight-to-TV films involving some guy overcoming adversity and their best friends trying to talk them out of it. The Bea Arthur-played-Peter Griffin to Hulk Hogan's Tony Danza-played-Joe Swanson.

Bubba somehow Heels it up by appealing to logic and saying he'd lie to them if he wrestled and remember the people who loves him and such. BUT DAMMIT, AIN'T YOU EVER SEEN "The Wrestler"? HE HAS TO DO THIS! FUCK YOU.

Random Commercial-area Thoughts:

Coming back to the etiquette thing, Mick Foley chuckles at her pronounciation of Mr Bischoff as "Bish-OFF" which is different from how you do now with "BISH-off". She tells about the proper way to say goodbye, and he concludes that it is to say goodbye... and give a BIIIIIG HUUUUUG!

THAT WAS WAY BETTER RECAPPING THAN CAMERON BURGE'S SHIT!

Video package for the Kebong Nashicles thing with Eric Young and the nWo. HOLY FUCKING SHIT, Tomko has gotten FUCKING FAT.

Tyson Tomko and Tyson Tomko vs Jeff Jarrett w/o music or video again

HOly FUCKing SHIT, Tomko has gotten fucking fat. HOLY FUCKING SHIT he has really gotten BADLY out of shape. HOLY FUCKING SHIT his torso is like... not muscle-shaped. His breasts look like Scott Steiner's, but fatter! His ass and thighs look like... like fatter! HOLY SHIT. Also, Eric Bischoff is watching via LIVE STREAMING SIGNAL ON HIS LAPTOP! HOLy FUCKing SHIT, he is goddamn FAAAAT. I guess I really underestimate when people say things like Greg Valentine looks hugely fat, having never seen him myself in his prime, but HOLY SHIT TOMNKO HAS GOTTEN HORRIBLY FAT!

TYSON TOMKO IS FAT.

WINNAR: Jeff Jarrett

I know, right? He has gotten FAAAAAAAT.

Random Commercials occurr, but NOW WE'RE BACK and Hulk Hogan is being talked with Eric Bischoff, saying Hogan is the brand making everything possible and without it bluh bluh dee bluh, he really thinks Hogan must re-think his position on this entire issue and there's too much at risk. Hogan's like, if he doesn't do it, what business? What brand? They have nothing and such. They going all the way up together or all the way down together, and when pushing escalated to a level of harder pushing now called shoving, Eric Bischoff would be behind him. He's been called out and if he doesn't make this move and make it right, there's no respect for this business there's no tomorrow, it's make or break hips.

I don't blame TNA, but I feel really sick all of a sudden, like I might throw up and pass out. Eric Bischoff will be behind Hulk Hogan, so there's nothing to talk about. Eric Bischoff's like "I'm with you, bro" and Hogan cannot take any more discussions about this.

TNA World Championship
AJ Flair (C) vs Chris Parks vs Desmond Fail vs Elijah Burke

NOBODY GETS THEIR TRUE RING NAMES OUT INTACT HERE! So this is a HOOG matchup here, and if you expect me to completely skip the play-by-play... YOU'RE NOT REALLY---

wait, what the fuck? Why did Fail and Parks leave the ring?

Oh my God, are you fucking serious? This is no fucking four way match, it's a goddamn TAG TEAM MATCH! As COD4 and the sequel call it, it's a Mercenary Team Deathmatch---these two random guys tag with two other random guys with only one winner to be decided.

Oh yeah, AJ and Pop started, then now Chris Parks with Desmoy Fail, and he catches AJ and Fail in a double chokeslam thing but they kick him so he clotheslines them both and sideslams Fail and almost wins but gets 2 and now THE POPE is in to Pimp AJ Styles and the other guy shoves out Fail.

Commercial interruption.

When we come out and back, AJ is beating on a nigga and Chris Parks is beating on a guy who killed niggas. Or something. Shut up. AJ now beating on a nigga in the ring some more, and beats on his legs and such, and OH NOESZ RIC FLAIR ETS A STEEL CHAIR TO SLOOOOWWWLLLYYYY BEAT IT ON HIS LEG. AND THE REFEREE IS LITERALLY RIGHT FUCKING NEXT TO HIM AND DOESN'T HEAR THE LOUD-ASS CHAIR SLAM! Also, he shall soon be Pimp slapped, as His Holy Darkness gave his word. AJ then puts him in a Figger Four Leg Lock.

His Holy Darkness WILL NOT BACK DOWN OR STAND UP! He calls upon the power of his mighty Holy Penis, but the referee rings the bell for some reason, and Ric Flair lunges in to beat on him.

Worst four way championship match evar? Maybe

WINNAR: AJ Styles

Desmond Fail randomly comes in to look at AJ all like "WTF" but he eventually falls in line like the failure he is and beats on The Pope with the rest, but OH NOESZ CHris Parks comes in to beat on them, and the black guy mysteriously disappeared as Flair gets a barbed wire baseball bat on Chris Parks' back and weakly hits him with it. Now AJ holds him so Flair can kick him some.

People scream as Hulk Hogan finally comes, and lazily punches Flair, then gets the bat to bash it on Flair's head so he can blade. Desmond Fail fails out and leaves, and even AJ must flee, for the Fail is infectious, and Hogan beats on Flair some more so Flair can faceflop and play coward as Hogan beats on him. Security now runs in to try to break them up but now Hogan starts beating up security, and CHris Parks doing so as well. What jackasses, beating up on security guards. Ric Flair is taken out of the ring and they STILL PUNCH UP SECURITY GUARDS!

Pointless commercial interruption so we can come back to have Hogan yelling at Flair all like "THEY'RE GONNA FORGET YOUR NAME" and says "FOUR DAYS AND THE PARTY'S ON" and suddenly the black guy has emerged from probably a wall painted black and says they should bring it now. AJ goes to answer, but Fail just lazily walks off and security holds them off.

TNA YAY: The matches were all appropriately short so I could get my fill of TOTAL NONSTOP ACTION!

TNA BOO: The matches were all short so wrestling fans could wish TNA were on Mondays sooner, so they could change the channel to WWE... and subsequently change back in frustration. And back again.

Copypasta the rest from the past few weeks

You've just been Halonic Death Ray'd, and like I say every week, if I'm not back within two or three weeks, consider me dead.

Feedback if you want: phenomynouss@hotmail.com

Andariel Halo is a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. She can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. She translates ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees. Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, Andy once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. Children trust her. She knows the exact location of every dairy item in the supermarket. She has performed covert operations for the CIA. She's in bed every day, but sleeps once a week, OH! The laws of physics do not apply to her. One time, she shot her friend in the back of the head with a BB gun, and placed all blame on him.

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TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).