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TNA IMPACT RANT

by Andariel Halo

March 03, 2011


Sting is HERE! STING IS HEEEERE! STINGSTINGSTINGSTINGSTINGSTINGSTINGSTINGSTINGSTINGSTINGSTINGSTINGSTINGSTING, he was here already not even five months ago and such. So I hearded that Dixith Carter's 3/3/3333/33/3 promo savagely ripping off the WWE version got some GREAT RESPONSES from people on Twitter! Here are some of the GREATEST!:

TweepzMostLuvd: @TNADixie anything to keep them away from #1 huh? That's why this cpmpany will go down. What a let down.

MrGamer2558 : @TNADixie a mock video of WWE's 2-21-11 for Sting is your big surprise? you're kidding? this is a f***ing joke right?

AreYouHie: @TNADixie when can i take over creative control of TNA? im pretty sure i'd bring in more viewers with much better "surprises"

CdnOtakuGamer: Actually, the big surprise is that @TNADixie brought a big cake for everyone... But Matt Hardy ate it all backstage.

NotTripleH: Are we sure that TNA has the real Sting backstage, or the NWO Sting? Because I doubt @TNADixie knows the difference. #VintageDixie.

awesome_since88: @TNADixie OMG I wonder who 3-3-11 is??? This is going to change pro wrestling forever!! If I can only control myself for a whole week #TNA

EdgeUniversity: @TNADIxie so...your huge surprise for Impact was that you can copy a promo video that @WWE has been doing for the past month? GREAT JOB!

Joerrd: @TNADixie LOL. That little 3-3-11 promo? That's the reason nobody takes your bingo hall company seriously.

wmkrow: wow, @tnadixie, good job ripping off WWE and their 2-21-11 bit. Same font and everything.

Also, on a more tragic note, I got banned for a week from the WrestleZone forums for posting SPOILERS... consisting of talking about Sting returning to TNA as being the reveal of 3/3/11 promos. And I'm pretty sure every one else on the thread said "Sting" too. Though in defense of the truly terrible WZ admins, I'm pretty sure all of THEM were talking about STING

See, because they said Sting while I was talking about Sting, and because even if the 3/3/11 promo weren't obvious and disappointing enough, anyone going onto the forums would be some kind of mentally impaired individual to completely miss EVERYFUCKINGOTHERPERSON ON THE IWC TALKING ABOUT IT.

Speaking of WCW, it's iMPACT~!

This tiem, we are NOT in Orlando, but in some redneck state, and we open with DIXIE CARTER coming in! It's like Hitler, only she hasn't killed anyone. Yet. She says FIRST OF ALL she wanted to say thank you to each and every one of you who reached out over the past several months with your kind words and support, your emails and tweets and facebook messages.

james_donald: YAY FOR COPYING WWE!!!! f*** you you dumbass bitch @TNADixie.

She pretends to be about to cry and such and say she's here tonight to make a fool of herself on TV for all less than a million viewers. In mid-speech, she's interrupted by IMMORTAL music which gets a huge fucking pop. Wow, they really hate her. I mean, obviously everyone hates her behind her back and knows she's an idiot they can exploit for tons of money. Speaking of "exploit",

Godjesus help.

Speaking of pleading to Godjesus to help, please help me! Eric Bischoff smugs it up on the microphone saying they didn't want her to come out here and do her PR spin and spread her Dixie Dust around and try to Twitter her way out of the reality of the fact; she's a fuckwith with no business acumen who signed her fucking company away without reading a fucking contract to realize it did not say "FIRE THIS GUY" but said "GIEF COMAPNY TO THIS OTHER GUY" Fucking loser. How the fuck is she supposed to be the hero for being too goddamn stupid to read contracts?

Ric Flair says this is to be called Flair country and they all know that had she taken his room key that night in Orlando and gotten raped, they would have avoided all this. Instead, she chose NOT to be raped by a man almost twice her age, and now Ric Flair says IMMORTAL masturbates and sucks the cocks and pussies of the people in the audience until they orgasm. That IS what "getting off" means, right? He says they get them off.

Meanwhile, Flair says they want everything Dixie Carter has. The one with the most toys wins the game. Speaking of which, you just lost the Game. On another note, THE LEGEND the guy who made IMMORTAL, Hulk Hogan! He comes out now, to an even bigger pop than IMMORTAL got, because he's totally the bad guy... I mean. He is, right? I think TNA doesn't give a shit who's a face and heel, so we should all just cheer/boo who we legitimately hate. And we shall all indulge in such!

Hogan say maybe he's all amped up because of all this electricity, or his adrenal glands are pumping so fast that he's not thinking straight, but SEEING how he was in that court room earlier today that he now controls ONE HUNDRED PERCENT OF TNA!

This just goes to show you; TNA President Dixie Carter was given a contract by random asshole Eric Bischoff, told it was a contract to fire a wrestler. She didn't bother to read it, to realize that it not only does NOT involve firing him, but involves a COMPLETELY DIFFERENT occurrence altogether, and so signed it, loses her company, then bitches to the court, and gets smacked back down again. High fives all around; it takes a SPECIAL kind of SPECIAL person to be able to do THAT MUCH AWESOME in less than a year.

IT'S ALL MIEN DIXIE, IT'S ALL MIEN~! FROM EVERYTHING THAT HAPPENS IN THIS RING TO EVERYTHING THAT HAPPENS IN MY OFFICE IN NASHVILLE, I MAKE ALL THE DECISIONS! And you Dixie, you're just UNEMPLOYED, like Shark Boy and maybe Abyss soon and every other legit TNA wrestler you shitcanned so you could afford fucking nothingnobodies like Jwoww and Angelina no-last-name and Eric Bischoff and Fatt and Meth Hardy and such.

That saying "you have to spend money to make money" doesn't apply when you spend your money on video games and beer and big bags of trash.

Hogan says somewhere along the way, Dixie kind of became delusional. STOP SHOOTING, BOLLEA~!!!! They talk about Hogan being an egomaniac, but NO ONE believes their own hype the way YOU do, Dixie. STOP SHOOTING, BOLLEA~!~!!@!@#!!#!11111#!%1245156126263 Somewhere along the way while she was being DELUSIONAL, she forgot that she was the president and such. She also forgot that Hogan wasn't gonna be her partner and he used her to get back ON TOP of the professional wrestling bu--wrong company, brah. They used her because she's a weak woman. They used her and her whole family and the only thing she has left is her dignity, and like they say in Nashville, complete with redneck accent, WE'RE FIXIN TA TAKE THAT AWAY RAHT NAYOW TEW.

But she's got all these fans out here, of which almost all of them boo. And these fans out here who love you don't have much to say about it, do thaey. The facts are this Jack, it's YEW AND ME and I own this company 100% and such.

Some totally random and generic music plays, and it sounds like it's saying "Forty four" or something. I... what? Apparently it's FOURTUNE'S new music. Again? Fuck's sake. AJ says we can dew this the easy way or we can dew it the hard way. And to be honest with you, FOURTUNE we like doing it the hard way. AJ points at them and says, but since there's a woman in the ring, and KAAAZ takes the mic to say AND BY WOMAN WE DON'T MEAN YOU, BISCHOFF. Facepalm. They also care DEEPLY about Dixie Carter, because she's paid them tons of money like the mark she is.

AJ then says Get out of the ring, Dixie, because he's such a gentlemannot. Robert Roode then says Hey Hulk Hogan, I cannot believe that YOU are the reason I became a professional wrestler. You know there's an old saying Hulk that you should never meet your idols because at the end of the day, all they're gonna do is let you down. Unless your idol is Canadian Bacon. Ric Flair interrupts saying HEY HEY HEY and Roode interrupts like SHUT UP FLAIR WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE and Flair says NOW YOU'RE TALKING TA GAD. You kiss Ric Flair's ass and you keep walking.

You know what Ric? How bout instead of kissing your ass, we kick your ass? Durr. They charge the stage and a bunch of security people hold them back. IMMORTAL then all stand on one side of the ring ropes and such to stare and point and yell.

Random Commercial-area Thoughts: This week, I will give my random thoughts on the wrestling business stuff. My thought here; Ric Flair is overrated. Who needs insane levels of charisma anyway? Not the Shockmaster. And EVERYONE knows the Shockmaster!

Backstage, IMMORTAL and Hulk Hogan wander about backstage. They encounter Random Black Guy and take turns hugging him. Oh, he's apparently a New York Jet or something. Matt Hardy's gonna go and do stuff with him in private. They wander down a hall and OHAI DIXIE being escorted by KAAZ and AJAYY, he says this is some guy a New York Jet something, and Dixie, spotting a big muscly black guy, literally RUNS AWAY IN TERROR!

There's absolutely NO WAY to misinterpret that other than black man scurrin de white wiminz. Not even.

AJ and KAAZ then yell at the black man and bud for talking and scaring away the white wiminz. Then they brawl. Because TNA without time-wasting brawling is like Mexico without drugs and underage prostitution. Speaking of which, Jeff and Karen Jarrett run by all happyface and such. Oh yeah, Kurtle's gonna ruin their wedding vows thing tonight. Then, video recap of the whole boring thing.

Random Commercial-area Thoughts: I think the only real difference between the Undertaker and Giant Gonzalez, aside from the spic-yness, is Undertaker didn't wear fur diapers. Also, one of them died a few times.

Backstage, Bischoff is so FRICKIN hot and he got a PHONE CALL from a NETWORK EXECUTIVE that Jeff Hardy's gonna defend the title and lose it to Sting for ratings. Who's his opponent? THEY WON'T STING TELL HIM! STING THEY WON'T STING HIM! For some reason, Hogan says Anderson as an opponent woul dbe a dream come true. I... what?

TNA World Tag Team Championships
Beer Money (C) vs A pair of random security guards

No, really, I mean it. They say their names are Gunner and Murphy, but these chucklefucks have just been referees. Also, James Storm uses his beer cooler scooter thing. The match starts with the security guise pushing Roode out, then beating up on James Storm with GENERIC PUNCHES AND STOMPS! Then an irish whip into the other guy's knee a few times. I forgot their names. Meanwhile, in this here championship match, they completely ignore the match and talk about HULK HOGAN now owning the company and how Dixie Carter put in many hours and much money into the company and the company is still teetering on the shitter. Now we are told the Random Black Guy is a New York Jet called Bart Scotttttt. I don't know who that is at all. I'm pretty sure even JWoww is a bigger celebrity than him.

Meanwhile, Roode somehow ends up back in the ring and gets tagged in, right hands on the secuirty guy, then a bunch of clotheslines, and a back body dorp. Then the other guy runs and gets irish whipp reversed into the corner and he bounces off and clotheslines him. The other guy hits him, but Roode gets him in ROCK BOTTOM position but gets reversed. Then double arm spinebuster on him pin gets 2. The other guy kicks Roode in the face with a GENERIC BIG BOOT! Then he picks him up so the first guy can punch the other guy assidental and then Roode and Storm are in and they double suplex one guy, and do a Beer Money pose. Then a DWI and pinwin.

WINNAR: Beer Money

But OH NOESZ random generic jobber music plays and some random jobbers come out and such. Shannon Moore says whoa boys whoa JAYMES CHAMPS welcome to North Cackalacky. I... is that slang for a shit-covered penis? He shows off his book of DILLIGAF, which means Inkink suck a dick. It says DO I LOOK LIKE I GIVE A and then a big-ass censor thing as the audience shouts it. By "it" I'm assuming "Inkink sucks a dick"

James Storm says I don't know if you think you're talkin gto a rookie, boay, but there is no bitch in this blood, and we are the best tag team in the business today, oh yeah, sorry about your damn luck.

Backstage, Karen Jaren says she got a TEN FOOT WEDDING CAKE when from behind... Eric Young is on their toilet. He even got his Tuxedo T-shirt on. He sees the marquee light JEFF JARRETT AND HIS BEST MAN ERIC YOUNG. Jeff shuts the door on him, but opens it again as he says JEFF JEFF JEFF JEFF Maid of honor, okay flowergirl okay ring bearer, while Karen tells him to shut the door and such. She then yells at him because he agreed to something and he says it's just Eric, so they start kissing.

In the parking lot, this random Angelina person has come. FORMERLY of the Jersey Shore. Wow.... couldn't even afford a REAL Jersey Shore member, could they.

Random Commercial-area Thoughts: Nathan Jones, Luther Reigns, Matt Morgan, Mark Jindrak, and Garrison Cade are all the same person in my mind, with regards to 2003-2004 WWE.

Backstage, Kurt Angle is walkign down the halls witha random little boy. Also, random generic music is playing in the background. That means;

Sarita w/ Jobber non-entrance vs Velvet Sky

Sarita mocks and poses some for some early momentum boost. Then Velvet shoves her, and she shoves back, and then Velvet does stuff, then clotheslines. She tries another but Sarita lifts her, but Velvet falls onto her and pin gets 2. Irish whip by Velvet reversed and Sarita dorpkicks but Velvet stuck to the ropes, then bounces on Sarita's arms and drags her down. She swings at Sarita and gets caught in a backdrop thing where she gets bounced on the rope and slammed down.

ANGELINA LOVE THEN TURNS HEEL AND BETRAYS HER PARTNER BY POINTLESSLY DISTRACTING THE REFEREE LONG BEFORE ROSITA EVEN ENTERS THE RING TO BEAT UP ON VELVET! She then turns face again to rush into the ring and just beat up Rosita herself. VINTAGE RUSSO! Earl Hebner orders both of them to leave. Sarita puts Velvet Sky in a Pedigree position but Velvet slips out, DDT and pinwins. Really? Really? MIKETHEMIZ_LINE_22.txt?

WINNAR: Velvet Sky

Just then, random generic Shore music plays, and Robbie V and Snooki come out with Not-Angelina Love. Snooki's all like HEY SKANKS remembe rwhen you brought JWoww here aND Beat her down four on one, so now she got herself some backup; ANGELINA NOT-LOVE! THE REAL STAR of Jersey Shore. Such the real star that she's not even on the show anymore.

They get in the ring and NOT ANGELINA LOVE says alright everybody shut up. It figures you guys want to hang out with JWoww, it takes a slut to know a slut, and so go and pay her another $15,000 dollars, or one year of Shark Boy, to come and contribute buttfuck nothing to ratings. Velvet says you say stuff to JWoww's face, because she isn't fucking here. Meanwhile, they have a kelebration to tend to, but Angelina goes and taps Velvet's butt with her shoe. So Velvet goes to beat up on her, and Angelina beats up on Snooki until Sarita comes to beat up on the blondes. Angelina then agrees to waste $15,000 of TNA's money to bring JWoww next week to contribute nothing to a "six way" match. I'm pretty sure that's NOT a six-person tag team match.

Random Commercial-area Thoughts: Santino Marella and Vladimir Kozlov were the best tag team champions in the WWE in more than ten years, and anyone who says otherwise is a terrorist.

Backstage, an area that gets more TV time than front stage, Anderson Anderson Anderson Anderson Anderson Anderson Anderson Anderson Anderson talks to camera guy saying how there's no such thing as a stupid question, and so the stupid question the idiot asked is MY head is in the ring for my title shot and such. Youy are not Sting, you white nigger. Any last words for Jeff Harvey---HARDY!? He says nice guys finish last, and sometimes good things happen to fuckwads....fuckwads.

ELSEWHERE Backstage, Eric Young goes into a lockerroom to find Orlando Jordan and talks about he's the BEST MAN in Jarrett's wedding tonight. So Eric Young is gonna ruin the Jarrett wedding vow thing tonight? RATINGS! He says he's ALSO the flowergirl and ringbearer, and he lost the ring. Orlando wants to know how he's best man and flowergirl and ringbearer. Eric Young accuses him of stealing the ring, because he's black, then randomly FU's him. Oh wait, randomly Alcoholics Anonymous's him onto the floor and chokes on him for a bit. Orlando Jordan then says did you check your shoe? That's where you keep all your valuables at. Eric finds it there, and says that was a test and Orlando passed.

ELSEWHERE BACKSTAGE, THREE IN A ROW, Jarrett is in the bathroom and Ric Flair goes to sit on the counter to talk to him and such. Jarrett guarantees that he's never had a honeymoon like Jarrett and Jarrett will. He gonna take her to... Orlando, Universal Studios... VIP... right to the front of the line... to HARRY POTTER ride! All the kids and him, WONDERFUL! Ric Flair says why don't you bring the mother-in-law and kill yourself. Flair seems to forget that these two have a bunch of kids, and talks about lingerie and disgusting sex acts. Probably in front of the kids.

ELSEWHERE BACKSTATGE, FOUR IN A ROW GGGGGGGGGGGGEFG, Kurtle is TAPING HIS FISTS in front of the random little boy.

Random Commercial-area Thoughts: Have you ever thought that maybe Triple H buries young "talent" because they deserve it?

BACKSTAGE AGAIN FIVE IN A ROW, Hulk Hogan is on the phone DEWD with a NETYWORK person who is apparently sitting on top of the Eiffel Tower or something. He's PISSED that the champion has to defend his belt. Oh wait, it's not that, it's the GUESSING GAME!Q Because he doesn't agree that SURPRISES = RATINGS! Maybe that's why everyone knows it's Sting. He gets it, we'll be ready.

First thought, OH BULLSHIT THAT CAKE ISN'T FUCKING TEN FEET TALL! Also, apparently Jarrett doesn't care and lets Eric Young be the ringbearer, while Orlando Jordan is the flowergirl. He snatches Eric away from grabbing at the cake. Oh yeah, and the WEDDING VOW RENEWAL is happening now. Out now comes Jeff Jarrett. TOTAL NONSTOP ACTION~!

That fucking cake is NOT ten feet tall. It's on a fucking table and each layer is separated by like a one foot platform.

Oh, and Kurt Angle doesn't even bother to wait to ruin the wedding but just rushes down now to attack Jarrett. Why even bother setting up all the wedding shit at ringside and in the ring if Angle was just gonna punch Jarrett up to start with? Also, he punches Jarrett and Jarrett staggers like he's gonna fall into the cake, but then doesn't, and then gets clotheslined down by Angle. Karen Jarett then comes out to jump on Kurt's back and hold onto him. Then she screams a bunch and Angle stalks her like a rapist, and she smacks him, and he... fucking SMASHES her fucking head into the cake.

Like, you could literally hear the cracking sounds of the support-things under each layer. That was fucking violent. SPIKE TV FINES AND LAWSUITS AHOY!

TOTAL NONSTOP ACTION, A BACKSTAGE SEGMENT AGAIN! This time Hulk Hogan talking to JEff Hardy saying they can't control the fact that he's been branded as a "fighting" champion. As opposed to a junkie who might face jailtime and barely does anything. The problem Hogan has is that he CANNOT get STING to tell him who STING is to STING with STING in the ring tonight, featuring STING. They think a BIG SURPRISE will boost ratings. They will; for one night only. It's like throwing a party to hide the fact that your city is broke and the infrastructure is falling apart and people are emigrating in mass droves.

Holy fucking shit this backstage thing is SO LONG, we go to ANOTHER COMMERCIAL BREAK!

Random Commercial-area Thoughts: Katie Vick was the greatest storyline thing WWE has ever put out in the new millenium ever.

RECAP OF WHAT JUST HAPPENED where the whole wedding thing was totally wasted just for Angle to bust it up before it began. Why even bother hiring the fakepriest guy to stand in the ring?

BACKSTAGE AGAIN Jarrett and Jarrett scream and bitch at Bischoff and Flair. Bischoff says he freakin HATES weddings. Hay, wait...

Meanwhile, they have some MAJOR ISSUES on their hands. Yeah, we all know they do. They don't know who the STING OPPONENT is tonight. Let's not STING sweat it.

Big Roid Terry vs Scott Steiner

Big Rob punches Steiner in the face and such, but then Steiner starts punching and kicking him, then does a T Bone suplex on him. Steiner then goes outside with him to play, but he slamsSTeiner nto the turbuckle, then picks him up and bops his back on the turnbuckle, then roll him back in. Speaking of which, WE HEAR NOW THAT JARRETT WILL HAVE HIS WEDDING VOW THING AGAIN TONIGHT! Irish whip thing from Big Rob in the corner and Steiner boots him in the corner, then Belly to Belly suplex on him. VINTAGE SCOTT STEINER! The Taz's words.

Steiner then waits and such on him and waits as he gets up, then slowly clotheslines him. Then elbow drop and pin1 then pushups. He then gets to the top rope with him and does like an Olympic Slam-looking thing NOT A FUCKING FALLAWAY SLAM FUCKING MIKE TENAY. Then Steiner Recliner, he fuck him in the ass make him humble.

WINNAR: Scott Steiner

Hearing it twice already, it still sounds like Jay Bee said "Kane Puppupuh Scott Steiner"

BACKSTAGE Kurt Angle in the locker room, he meets Random Black Guy and says he's a huge fan, whereas Random Black Guy don't know who he is. Ric Flair calls Angle a nut, and says he's gotten his ass in trouble. Like he gives a fuck. So he brought Random Black Guy as an enforcer, or as someone from New Jersey says, enfoasuh. He's an all proman linebacker and such. Random Black Guy does an incredibly fake laugh.

Random Commercial-area Thoughts: Heel Michael Cole is one of the greatest commentators we have now. Obviously not as great as Heel Paul Heyman or Heel Jerry Lawler or Heel Bobby Heenan, but compared to Face Jerry Lawler and Face Michael Cole, he is own.

Some random nobody joins commentator table thing.

Hernandez vs Matt "Luther Reigns" Morgan

Hernandez runs at him immediately and falls over as Matt dodges him. Then he stomps on him in the corner, likely trying to break his neck again because he's SUCH the good guy. He then puts his fucking boot on Hernandez's neck and smashes him against the rope. Then he puts him back on the rope and irish whip, thenr uns at him to smash into. He rebounds, and Matt sideslams him and pin gets 2. Morgan gets up and Hernandez goes to leave, because he doesn't want that honky motherfucker breaking his fucking neck again, then getting hailed as the good guy. Morgan follows after him to punch him up and headbutt and such on the outside. Then he throws Hernandez in to the ring.

Hernandez is exasperated like Come on, gimme a break and such, he broke hsi fucking neck. HAHAHA the guest commentator guy said call the exterminator! See, because Hernandez is hispanic, and he's saying hispanics are cockroaches. Hernandez gets control some, and tries to flip Morgan over, but Morgan keeps his arms into the ropes, then punches up Hernandez. Apparently Fucking Mike Tenay thinks that because Hernandez used his shirt thing and Morgan held onto the ropes to avoid being tossed, this is a sign of how GOOD FRIENDS they were and how much Morgan knows him. Because Morgan TOTALLY didn't crush his fucking head into the turnbuckle and break his fucking neck.

CLOTHESLINE from Morgan onto Hernandez out of the ring. Hernandez on his butt outside the ring, pleading with Morgan to stop. HAHAHAH racism from the guest commentator saying one big scary animal about to kick another. Hernandez drops him onto the steel steps, then punches him up and slams him some more. The bell suddenly rings for some reason. Disqualification or something. Morgan blades.

WINNAR: Nathan Jones

BACKSTAGE Hulk Hogan is yelling at someone on the phone HE NEEDS TO KNOW WHO STING IS FACING JEFF HARDY TONIGHT LET ME KNOW WHO IS IN THE STING EVENT! SEND ANDERSON IN HERE PLEASE! Anderson Anderson comes in and knocks on the threshold like a shitfucker and steps in. Hogan says he don't like you and you don't like me, and Anderson shouts I DON'T LIKE YOU which like... what the fuck. He just said that, stupid. Hogan says I hate you, then like the little child he is, Anderson says I hate YOU like a smug shit. Anderson doesn't get his title shot again tonight.

Anderson, because he's fucking retarded, asks WHY YOU KEEP SCREWING ME?!?!? despite the fact that it's THE NETWORK screwing him, you fucking retard. Fucking retard. FUCK YOU! Not only does Anderson prove to be a shithead, but he KEEPS BEING A SHITHEAD even after Hogan gives up being the heel and becomes the sad, tired old man, even showing him the backbrace he needs to wear because he can't wlk anymore. Anderson Anderson Anderson Anderson then says he disgusts him. Fuckhead.

Random Commercial-area Thoughts: JR is overrated now. His commentary for the past ten years has been shit. Totally different from JR in the 90s.

Oh hey, I just woke up this morning and thought, POPE D'ANGELO DINERO AND SAMOA JOE WITH NOT-BRUCE LEE KATO! Did TNA remember them just this morning, too? Instead of following up on that with win, we get ANOTHER Jarrett wedding bullshit vow thing, AND an overly long preview of ROY MEETS GIRL which the only thing I got from it involved that random guy asking a woman about sex toys, and her saying EVERYTHING in the house is a sex toy. She thinks as I do.

Speaking of which, WEDDING VOW thing. Eric Young and Orlando Jordan come out again to do their shit. The Taz says this is crazy on like a million different levels. Jarrett comes out without his jacket, and with his sleeves rolled up. He poses and points and smiles and such as coming to the ring. Then Karen comes out! BUPBUP. WOW EVEN KURT ANGLE IS LEADING HER OUT! He has a big smile on his face like he been drugged with something. Oh, it's fading as he walks down. He's sober, kind of uncomfortable. The Taz thinks that apparently Kurt is satisfied with having killshitted them earlier, so now he's willing to do this peacefully?

The Taz says have you ever experienced a pro wrestling wedding before? They never go well! STOP SHOOTING SENERCHA! Jarrett's looking over his shoulder as Kurt goes around behind him, all smirking, and pats his shoulder. Karen's hair still has frosting in it, and The Taz remarks it prolly smells great. Kurt has such a great asshole smile right now. The fakepriestguy asks them questions about stuff like a real wedding and Jarrett says AH HAVE, AN AH WILL, and wow. WOW. Look at Kurt Angle. Not moving much at all, and looking like this:



....



Oh yes, I went there. I went there hard. Now the folks out there in the crowd, he asks, will all of them in their power uphold them in their recommittment? People boo, which is like, why and such? Sure they're assheads, but it's legit love and such and OH MY GOD THAT KURT ANGLE STARE AGAIN


Well, it's slightly less disturbing, but eeek.

Now time for Jarrett's vows. Speaking of which, people chant for Angle, and he's kind of pushing up close to Jarrett. Jarrett is rather nervous by his proximity. Jarrett just wants Karen to know that now he i smarried to a REAL man and not some harmless, gutless, excuse of a man. He will forever treat her like the true princess she is. She is a victim, underappreciated, by a man---they scoot over away from Kurt---that didn't deserve to have you in the first place. All the gold medals in the world could never symbolize Jeff's love for her. She truly is the wind beneath his wings.

The Taz thinks the gold medal statement might've been a shot at Kurt. SHOCKING REVELATION TAZ! Incredible! It almost totally missed me, but then WHOOSH The Taz got it right there! Karen says he IS right, he IS a real man, unlike another man. From the moment they fell in love, Jeff made her his first priority, not like another man may have not done. Not just by whatever the princess wants, you make sure she gets, no matter how expensive it is, what it is, where it is, my big daddy makes sure his princess gets it, and every night before we go to bed, you make sure your princess goes to bed happy, you make sure your princess is taken care of, not like another man.

And also Jeff, you're an amazing father, no matter how many days you're on the road, how tired you are, how beat up you are, you walk in that door with a smile on your face, hug all of us, wanna hear about our week, our days, etcetera, bottom line Jeff Jarrett you complete me. THIS IS SO SWEET AN AWESOME! Now the ring ceremony, and Eric Young... keeping them in his shoe. VINTAGE CONTINUITY!

Jeff, you first, please repeat after fakepriest; I give you this ring as a symbol of my vow, and with all that I am, and all that I have, I honor you.

And now Karen, the ring for Jeff please; hurrdurr Orlando pretends like it's the one in his nose, but is like aah he's joking and gives her the real one. Now repeat after fakepriest; I give you this ring as a symbol of my vow, and with all that I am, and all that I have, I honor you.

Now folks it is fakepriest's privilege, by the power vested in him by the state of North Carolina, and the Department of Motor Vehicles. And holy fucking shit, The Taz and/or Mike Tenay burst out laughing so hysterically I start laughing too. Jeff then goes to kiss her. Mike Tenay remarks that so long as the DMV is involved, that makes it official. Meanwhile, Kurt asks if he's done there, and then thanks him when he says yes. Kurt then shoves aside the pedestal thing and... grabs a fucking axe.

Like literally, a fucking axe. He then starts chopping down the stuff in the ring. WHOA WHOA WHOA Bischoff comes out with Random Black Guy gesticulating at the ring. Now Random Black Guy is going down to violate some New York Jets contracts and beat up on Kurt Angle. He turns his hat backwards, which means OH SNAP ITS ON and such. He shoves Angle, and Angle steps back up to him to get SHOVED AGAIN! I think this might lead to some stern mediation sessions!

Kurt turns to leave, and Bart turns him around and pops him in the face. Angle then turns him and puts him in an Shamrock Ankle Lock. A bunch of security guys come to pull Angle off of him. Mike Tenay says LOOK FAMILIAR? CUZ THE JETS HAVE BEEN TAPPING OUT SINCE 1969. Real classy, The Taz says. Indubitably.

Backstage, Jeff Hardy is like the NETWORK doesn't wanna let him know who Sting is, but whatevvvs, he's Jeff Harvey--HARDY! Meanwhile in the parking lot, a limo pulls up and MYSTERY STING appears.

Random Commercial-area Thoughts: I saw the first ever elimination chamber match, and it was the pits. They sold the chamber like it was a flaming hell in a cell with needles full of AIDS lodged in every crevice. Bunch of fucking bullshit that was.

Now tiem for OMFG SECRET MYSTERIOUS 3/3/11 REVELATION! Boy Undertaker, you got short and less bald.

TNA World Championshit
Jeff Hardy (C) vs Sting

Rocks fall, everyone dies. Jeff smokes the rocks.

WINNAR + NEW TNA CHAMPION: Sting

Nice to see that Hulk Hogan got a bigger pop than Sting. No, not nice. We call that fail.

TNA YAY:

TNA BOO: Who the fuck wants to see Samoa Joe and Pope kill each other when we can see TWO wedding vow ceremonies go wrong in ONE night? Plus, TWO FULL SEGMENTS OF NOTHING BUT BACKSTAGE BULLSHIT SEGMENTS AND NON-WRESTLING WEDDING BULLSHIT!

TNA WTF: THAT CAKE WAS NOT FUCKING TEN FEET TALL! You fucking lying ass bitch that was NOT a ten-foot tall cake!!!

Go play on my fucking Twitter Captain Halo

Feedback if you fucking want: phenomynouss@hotmail.com

Send Feedback to Andariel Halo

Andariel Halo is a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. She can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. She translates ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees. Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, Andy once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. Children trust her. She knows the exact location of every dairy item in the supermarket. She has performed covert operations for the CIA. She's in bed every day, but sleeps once a week, OH! The laws of physics do not apply to her. One time, she shot her friend in the back of the head with a BB gun, and placed all blame on him.

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TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).