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TNA IMPACT
REPORT
(02/25/10)
by ANDARIEL HALO

It's my job time~! And part of it includes this here: Being a jobber! Chris Parks is in the locker room squealing to jobbers about his Ringu, including soon to be fired Jay Lethal, Amazing Red, Jay Bee, two guys who look like Colin Delaney and I later realize are THOSE GUYS, and Kazarian, or as I called him "KAZ!!!!!" all screamy like that, almost pronounced like "KOZ!!!!!". He said that the day he got the ringu was almost the worst day ever, but it turne dout to be the greetest of his lyf. Then he giggles like a schoolgirl. And they said "Abyss" was coming back.

Video package of the stuff with Chris Parks and Mick Foley and Eric Bischoff and the barbed wire bat and Hulk Hooogan and such.

After intro, AJ Styles comes out. He was talking to someone but I wasn't listening. He says this person wants to be the golden boy, teh chosen one, etcetera? Oh, he means the black person. He understands AJ is a man. And that reminds me of a prank call victim on Youtube called "Angry Black Man" who got called by Joe Pesci to start with, and among his rants was "Don't call me, I'm a man, motherfucker". Look up all of them.

Ric Flair goes woo. Then he gets on the microphone to say the Immortal Hulk Hooogan giving his hall of fame ring to Chris drives him crazy,a nd it would be like giving it to one of the people in the audience. LIke you, fat boy! He yells and rants and such and calls out THE ABYSS. Someone's music hits, and... wow.

WOW...

WOW WOW WOW WOW! That's not WOW of awe, it's WOW of "this is the worst possible thing ever"...

Chris Parks, "Abyss", his new music... is essentially a genericized version of "Real American". And one of the chorus lyrics is either "HE'S AMERICAN MADE" or "HE'S AMERICAN MALE", so now you have to live with him and American Males linking. Ric Flair calls him out on the shitty music, and the ring, and how he wants to kill him for having that ring and such. Chris continues to be a fag by looking down shamefully before Ric yells at him to not look away. Ric Flair squeals and goes on a nutty "GAD GAD GAD GAD GAD!" tangent and shrieks how Chris Parks makes him sick cos he worked his whole life to get in the hall of fame and he makes him sick. He calls him a clown several times. CLAAOOWN! CLAAOOWN!

Chris Parks gets on the microphone to talk like Mick Foley, but with some kind of odd accent, and says Flair's right he couldn't shine his shoes... COS HE'S NOT A SHOE SHINE BOY! His lower lip then quivers. But he'd be more than happy to remove AJ's boots and stick them into Ric Flair's rectal cavity. AJ tries to calm Ric Flair, then hilariously Mood Whiplashes into whirling on Chris and yelling "SHUT UP!" and trash talkings down on him and how the people didn't come here to see Chris Parks, but to see the TNA World Champion AJ Styles.

They then threaten Chris Parks to take off the ringu before he disgraces the name of Hulk Hogan. NAAOOW! NAAOOW! Chris Parks pulls a Hogan by pointing at AJ and going YOOOU! But before gimmick infringement can occur, Hulk Hogan's music hits to stop this raping! (CONTINUITY FTW!)

Hogan's all like "What do you know about havin a good name, bruther?" And he goes off on a rant of him committing all the sins of Mankind (HAVE A NICE DAY) just like Ric Flair, and how threatening Chris Parks and such only makes him weak. Maybe in this ring there's a couple guys in here who might go down in history and history would say the weakest champion of all time: AJ Styles. I'd believe it.

Ric Flair squeals at him saying he came to TNA cos everything Hogan touches turns to gold, but he's never gonna tell Ric Flair what to do. I'm really sorry, nobody, but I totally zoned out and now Flair and AJ took off their jackets and threaten to fight and such. Chris Parks takes off his plaid vest thing, showing a tiny amount of sideboob, but far too much for us viewers. AJ randomly leaves, and Ric Flair follows once he sees him and they leave.

Ric Flair says they're in a good mood, and so's AJ, so before the night's over, THAT RING, THAT RING, WILL BE ON HIS FINGER! Well hey, they just made it four sided from six sided, so I'm pretty sure it would crush AJ's finger into oblivion... then crush his entire body---oh, they mean the Hall of Fame ring. In order to avoid confusion between the two (Because I know you TNA fans will get confused) I will refer to the Hall of Fame ring as Ringu.

Random Commercial-area Thoughts: S

Mick Foley wanders in from outside. Then we turn to Taz, aka, FTW 13, and Mike Tenay, aka, "THE PROFESSOR OF REDUNDANT REDUNDANCIES AND FAILURE"

Oh look, it's this:

The Nasty Boys w/ Jimmy Hart vs Team 3D

You bought the PPV to see THIS? WELL FUCK YOU, RETARDED LOYAL VIEWER, WE'RE GIVING THE MATCH AWAY FOR FREE! Bruther Ray tosses the fat piece of shit into the steel steps, but the non-Ian Rotten looking one beats on Devon Dudley inside. Ian Rotten pulls out a table but Bruther Ray puncheis him. Devoy clotheslines Knobby Penis and now the Ian Rotten and Buh Buh Ray get in the ring to fight, with Rotten taking ctarl. Outside, Devoy beats on the Saggy guy, and Ian Rotten gets attacked by Bruther Ray off the top rope. Bruther now punchies, and then elbows his head.

Bruther Ray and Devoy get Saggy Balls in a position for What's Up time and Devon knocks his sagging sac with his head sac. Now they do that whoile GET THE TABLES bidness. They bring in a table and The Taz was like "This is all legal, hence the name 'Tables Match'" YES, THE TAZ! THE NAME "TABLES MATCH" IS VERY CLEAR INDICATION THAT NO MOVE OF ANY SORT IS ILLEGAL IN THIS MATCH! YOU'RE A SMART MAN, TAZZICLES.

So the Nasty Boys overcome the other guys and toss the negro out so they can beat on the fat one, but OH NOESZ it's Jesse Fail, forgetting he's a heel, and snatching a helmet of some sort away from Jimmy Hart to toss to Devoy to knock Saggy balls with it. They then 3D him through a table.

WINNAR: Convenient face turns. RHINO, WE COMIN' FOR YOU, NIGGA!

Mick Foley in Bischoff's office yelling at him that this is some kind of plot to get Foley out to be fitted for a chicken suit while Bischoff can tear off Chris Parks' mask. Bischoff is all like he's gonna take credit for Chris Parks' happiness because if it weren't for him dominating Chris Parks, Hogan would never have seen him and seen how pathetically buried he was and given him ringu. Because he knows as well as we that Hogan would never have noticed a non-ex-WWE/WCW guy otherwise!

Bischoff then says he spent a lot of good money on Foley's suit, and wonders why he didn't bring it. Foley's like he left it at the hotel, so he gingerly starts backing away, as Bischoff implies he wants to see him in the suit.

Random Commercial-area Thoughts: The best things in life are made of sex

ODB vs Daffney

Why does she try to steal MsChif's gimmick? Leaving aside their teaming up combining stuff before. So she starts by spearing herself in the turnbuckle and ODB offers to spear her back in, facefirst on the patting and ZOMFG match interrupted by an interview with Christy Hemme and Tara. What the fucking shit is this? Fuck that old attention-whoring cunt. Daffney is being beaten on by ODB, who tries to go for her implant squish but Daffney moves aside, then trips her up and starts kicking her balls and grasping her legs. Tara, stupid as she is, speaks DIRECTLY to Daffney into the camera, despite her being in the ring busy wrestling. Moron.

Daffney beats on ODB's legs outside the ring with her lay on the apron, then slams ODB's leg on the turnbuckle and such. Daffney pulls down ODB's kneepad, then pulls some kind of metal step that's inexplicably put UNDER the ring and uses it on ODB.

WINNAR: ODB

Now she uses some kind of funny-looking stick with a yellow shovel-looking head to beat on her leg, and now Doctor appears to pull her away and such.

BACKSTOOGE, here be Jay Bee and the Tag Team chuimpions. Who? I know, I had no idea they were champions until now. YAY FOR TOTAL LACK OF CARE FOR TAG TEAM DIVISIONS! Matthias told Super Spic something after the match. Whatever he did was no big deal. He saw some kind of opportunity and grabbed it. Literally, says Hernandez, and SPERM OF TNA says he would have done whatever it takes to win that match and he's not gonna spend another second thinking about it. FROM HERE ON IN they have 100% of their focus on defending their tag team championships at any time and anywhere. No one's beating them any time soon, they say. Well no fucking shit, considering they haven't defended them once in how many months?

Outside, Scott Hall and X-Pac are digging through a dumpster for stuff to hit people with.

Random Commercial-area Thoughts:

When we return, Beer Money is in the ring suddenly, talking with Rick Rude first, talking about how they formed Beer Munny two years ago and on that day they made a promise that each and every time they step foot in this ring, they would be the best that htey could be each and every night. For you see, James Swift and them have built up a reputation summed up as "Pride" so they alls they ever wanted to be is to be the best and by God that's where in TNA they are the greatest tag team in TNA but all of professional wrestling you see and now Jim Kirk gets the microphone to say:

They're out there to plainly stat ethe facts that thewy've been here since the very beginning of TNA when the so-called vetrans didn't want to come into the company and it was up to the young guys and bah gawd now they did and they made this company a lot of money because the BEer MunNY merchandize has been outselling everyone, even Curry Man!

But now the old WCW management wants to set Beer Money on the sidelines, because he needs for Roode to make money, so he can buy Swift beer. They've seen the lowest of lows and the highest of highs and right now TNA is high. Huh huh huh, high... But in order to take the next step, they need a little Beer Money, and if they don't, Sorry about yo damn luck.

Hernandez comes out to be all "I'm a face and so are you, so I respect you, BUT" and just like Bier Munny, they want to be the best so he's gonna go to Bischoff and grovel and beg and suck dick to give a title shot to Bier Munny, and they say: the answer is yes.

Well ladies and gentlemen, backstage Jay Bee talks with Kevin Nash and Eric Hungus. Jay Bee it was clear last week, Nash say, they're not asking for a ringu or a jackass referee or something, they just want to have sex with Scott Hall and X-Pac and bust-em-up, crack some skulls, etceterea. Eric Young doesn't care about World Elite. He basically says exactly what Kevin Nash just said. Worthless bald fuck.

Meanwhile, Jeff Jarrett rushes into Bischoff's office and yells at him all like "LAYAST WEEK JUST BECUZ AH DIDNLT PLAY BAH YOUR RULES, YEW SEND SIX THUGS ON ME?" and such. He says in his entire life, not just in wrestling, he had to fight for everything he got, so pal, up your game, cos it'll take more than six thugs to run him out. Bischoff apologizes and Jarrett freaks out all like "YEW THINK THATS GONNA" etcetera.

Bischoff pleads with him to hear him out, for this has been tough on both of them, and it has been as hard on him as it has been a hardon for Jarrett. Bischoff commends him saying he did the right thing by refusing to use the thing on him. So, look, tonight meet him out in the ring and he deserves and will get a better opportunity. He wanted him to lemme tell I'll gibe you jeff you trust what'd you just i know what me trusting you i need you trust me we're gonna fix this thing and build a bridge and trust both sides to meet in ring for right Jarrett. Jarrett trust Bischoff? He fpauses and yah, you'll see me out there alright.

Random Commercial-area Thoughts: My hair is hot close to my head, and cold further away. Why?

Video package for Jeff Jarrett's latest pointless storyline with Eric Bischoff stuff. AND WE GETTIN THIS SHIZNIGHT DONE NAO AS ERIC BISCHOFF COMES OUT TO ERIC BISCHOFF'S MUSIC.

He thanks people for booing him and loves them too much. You know, one of the things that I pride myself on is the fact that I'm man enough to admit my mistakes, and I've made quite a few of them in my life. All of that says Eric Bischoff. But in order to get to where you are, you have to see the parts you did wrong and learn from them and grow instead of feeling bad about them and Jeff Jarrett is a perfect example of that, so he wants to bring him out with music and all and such and is responsible for such stuff and big round of applaus efor.

Jeff Jarrett comes out and Bischoff is all like this has been tough but he wants him to know he can put it all behind me I really can and he asked for something from his office, so they coming to bring it to him now, and here be a female to bring the barbed wire bat for him to hold and hold it at Jeff Jarrett all like thinking it most people think disgusting to make someone use that on someone and says Jarrett did the right thing by not using it and attacking Chris Parks. So in almost every stuff such stuff and such he did the right thing.

OMFG SWERVE~!@ The problem is he didn't do the right thing by ME. That's why they have the problem they have between the two of them in which they have had. He just seems incapable of doing what Bischoff wnats him to do so he will give him one more shot to do the right thing so now he has to go back to catering and flip some burgers for the fine folks at TNA, show them what you're made of and capable of. He then puts a hairnet on Jarrett.

So what does Jeff Jarrett have to say? He could always just quit, says Bischoff, make it easy on both of them. No? He didn't think so, happy flipping. What a fuckbag... he didn't wait to hear what Jeff Jarrett had to say.

Random Commercial-area Thoughts: Too much wrestling thus far. I must sleep.

Backstage, Matthias heel-turns by scolding Super Mexican for giving Beer Munny a title shot and Super Spic is like "YOU'RE the one who said challenge ANYBODY ANYTIME" and Matt Morgan buries the fucking shit out of THOSE GUYS and Motor guns saying he wanted to start with them. BIG GUYS ALWAYS BEAT SMALL GUYS, GRR! WWE AHOY! FIRE RUSSO

Morganite says Beer Munny is the top tag team here BESIDES THEMSELVES and he agrees but if they gonna hold the titles, they need to think, which is something Mexicans have trouble with, so Hernandez says "mah bad" and such. lolwut?

Brian Kendrick w/ Completely unfitting entrance music vs KAHZ

Guess who wins. If you haven't figured it out by now, compare your life to mine and kill yourself.

WINNAR: KAZARIAN

Backstage, Kevin Nash and Eric Young put tape on their hands to hide razor blades in or whatever. "THE WRESTLER" AHOY!

Commercials come and go and now it's Chris Parks backstage squealing and giggling, saying they should brin ga chainsaw, a seesaw, whatever they want to get the ring off his finger, for THE POWER WITHIN IT AND WITH GREAT POWER COMES GREAT RESPONSIBILITY and it has given him powers he's never had. I'm appalled he didn't incoherently link those by saying they should bring a Bonesaw. GET IT? BOOOONESAAW'S RREADYYY!!

Video package of the pointless Global Championship thing, including its creation as the Leges title, Eric Young's changing, Big Roid Terry's winz0ring, and And Anderson's challenge.

Now backstage comes Kennedy who shoves aside Hemme's microphone for his own lowery one. He will dumb this down for the redhead. QUIZ SHOW TIME, just stand there and look perdy. Who's the guy who's been unfreakinstoppable since he debuted in TNA Wrestling? HulK Hogan? Kurt Angle? Samoa Joe? Jeff Jarrett? I dunno. He's then asks who's the guy everyone refers to as The One? Whoa. For those of us in Zombieland, starring Woody Harrelson and some faggot, he offers us to rewind and watch again on DVR, tonight... he gets his furst taste of TNA championdship stuff. Yar. So who is this guy he's been talking about? I'm gonna rewind this a few times to watch it.

He says Big Roid Terry is as strong as six gorillas. He missed the fun Sealab reference by one. The faggot. Also, steroids. DVR folks, stop right here and rewind. Now he yells and says THE WINNER WILL BE MISSSTURRR KEE oh shit, wait, no. Anderson. Complete with a sudden "ANDERSON!" shout all fast and Hemme's orgasmic moan of annoyance.

Random Commercial-area Thoughts: British people are ugly and can't speak english properly

Speaking of ugly British people and steroids, here be the fake Roman trash talking on Big Roid backstage and is all like Big Roid is finished with the British people and puts his finger on Big Roid's roid-tit, so he can grab it and bend it back and tells him to PISS OFF!

TNA Global Championshit
Big Roid Terry (C) vs Mister Anderson (Welcome Back. Weee missed you)

That stupid microphone is literally Kennedy's entire fucking gimmick. It's even the only thing on his shitty little video besides his name. Faggot. He slowlyt walks down the ramp saying they're lookina t the next TNA Global cahmpion. Big Roid Terry? BUTT BUTT BUTT, first thing's first. As opposed to second or eighth. So he's supposed to be sorry he spit on some medal given to him by some widow or mother of a fallen soldier, AMIRITE?! IS THAT RITGHT?! HE"S SUPOODINED TO BFEEL SORRY?!

So he pulls out a medal of his own and looks at it all sadfaced, and... what the fuck? They had like a fucking elevating platform on the ramp just behind him, and Kurt Angle rises slowly behind it. Kennedy says this little thing right here was given to him by the widow of a fallen soldier. He just happened to be Vietnamese, which means what? Absolutely nothing at all? Or is Russo only now deciding to play a Vietnam War-ish gimmick that makes no sense?

Anyway, Angle just smashes him with the chair. Then he points at Big Tool Terry to come and pick him up and such. Big Tool walks up staring at Angle and asks "What's goin on?" where the camera audibly picks it up. Big Roid picks up Kennedy, and carries him to the ring, tossing him in and coming in after him. The Taz likes Big Roid's chances of retaining the title. He picks up im for a running powerslam.

WINNAR: Big Roid Terry, shitty championship titles and their shitty championship title defenses

BACKSTAGE< JEFF JARRETT IS FLIPPING BURGERS! TOTAL NONSTOP ACTION, -WE- ARE WRESTLING! CROSS THE LINE! OF GOOD TASTE AND DECENT TELEVISION!

Random Commercial-area Thoughts: I want a pint of blood and a vanilla milkshake with rainbow sprinkles. Just letting you know what's on my mind's subconscious right now.

Video package for Scott Hall and X-Pac fucking with TNA and KeviN Nash for the past several weeks despite being fired. Or not fired. No one can even tell anymore.

Outside, Kevin Nash and Eric Young wander out to be shitkilled by the nWo. Eric Young's cancer-boy voice makes for some really atrocious-sounding shouts as Hall smacks him up. He tells him to stay out of it and such. X-Pac lays him out. Now they gonna tag him, but since they can't say nWo, and "The Band" won't fit on his shrimpy back, they just tag "4 lyf" on him. Yeeah boy. His words, not mine.

Backstage, Chris Parks can feel the enthusiasm of all the Hulkamaniacs.

Random Commercial-area Thoughts: 2

Backstage, Jeff Jarrett is slicing onions. CROSS THE LINE, TNA WRESTLING! TOTAL NONSTOP ACTION!

Backstage, Eric Bischoff gives a compeltely unsubtle and unfunny stab at WWE saying "We're not gonna do weekly celebrity guest hosts, that's the dumbest thing I've ever heard" says the guy who spent more money bringing in Dennis fucking Rodman and Jay fucking Leno to WRESTLE.

Mick Foley comes in and shows off his nifty suit to Eric Bischoff. It looks schnizzy, but it has a HUGE mustard stain on the front. Foley says it's from him beign in catering and doing a spittake when he saw Jeff Jarrett there. Bischoff tells him to find his sister to get an Etiquette Coach. Foley is shocked...that he would invest that kind of money in him!

Bischoff wants him to meet executives, address corporate functions, etcetera. Mick Foley has been confused about silverware stuff since the beginning anyway, so laffs ahoy with this piece of shit that is TOTALLY NONSTOP ACTION OH YEAH EXTREME CROSS THE LINE WRESTLING! Eric Bischoff laughs mockingly once Mick Foley leaves.

Desmond Fail w/ Random female vs Chris Parks

When you're reviewing a FAIL match, how else is it gonna go but with FAILURE? Listen up, fags, Anvil Swagbag advised me to stop reviewing stuff, so I'm gonna stop and turn in early. There's only ten minutes left. Speaking of which, this is Chris Parks' new theme:

Also, I skipped ahead, and Chris Parks won in three minutes... So I feel good about that.

WINNAR: Chris Parks

To waste time, here's Ric Flair and AJ Styles walking down looking all bored and exhausted. At least, Ric Flair looks that way. They rush in so Chris Parks can no-sell Flair's chops and Fail's failure of chair shots, and beat on them. He starts to rip Hogan but Ric Flair attacks him from behind, and nuts him in the balls with his foot. Now they all three start beating on him and gets handcuffs on him and handcuff him to the top rope.

ZOMFG HULK HOGAN SLOWLY WALKING DOWN. SLOWLY WALKING DOWN. SLOWLY COMING. STILL COMING. NOW HE'S IN, and ZOMFG Ric Flair hesitates before attacking so Hogan can lazily smash his fist on them to knock them all down. He looks like he's exerting himself not at all. Ric Flair takes him down with a chop block, and now they all start punchies on him and Hogan's bald head is exposed. They then tear his shirt off, and chop at him.

They now holding him down and chopping on him and punching on him. BAH GAWD THIS IS TURRIBLE! And Chris Parks stands in the corner all handcuffed and squealing and such. AJ slams Hogan in the face, and the camera happens to be pointing right at Hogan's face so you can see it perfectly fine and not cut up, and Hogan's hand emerging from his pants pocket. NEXT THING YOU KNOW HE'S BLEEDING!

Chris Parks finally stops being retarded (well, still retarded, but not so much) and TEARS THROUGH THE HANDCUFFS and just rushes at them... and they all run away. WAY TO HARNESS THE POWER OF THE HULKAMANIACS! He hugs Hogan's head and... literally kisses his head.

Random Commercial-area Thoughts: They put a commercial this deep and far into the show?

In order to further waste time, we get a recap of what just happened before the commercials. Now Hulk Hogan gets on the microphone, no-selling his beatdown and all like "On March 8th, Monday, the biggest night in TNA history" because FUCK January 4th. Because on Monday, March 8th, he's taking Ric Flair out of retirement (again), and Flair rambles something that sounds like "AYAGADDADOWHADAFAWANNADOANDAGARADA" and it's gonna be a tag match, Ric Flair and AJ Styles vs Chris Parks and... big wait and AJ asking WHO YOU GOT? WHO YOU GOT?, YOU GOT NOBODY! If you haven't figured out it's Hogan by now, you're fucking retarded. Everyone's even chanting for Hogan. So he says "ON MONDAY MAR

WBALJHDLAHDAHDBA YOU JUST FUCKING SAID THAT! YOU JUST FUCKING SAID THAT! WHY DID YOU FUCKING REPEAT YOURSELF?!

Oh yeah, he says Hulk Hogan, and people SCREAM. And for no reason at all, Ric Flair rips open his shirt. I say no reason because the camera didn't show him doing it, and it only flashed to him for a good 2.2 miliseconds to show him with his shirt open.

TNA YAY: YAY JEFF JARRETT CUTTING ONIONS AND FLIPPING BURGERS!

TNA BOO: Boring episode all around

TNA "Creative" Award for "Creativity": TNA'S VERSION OF A "HELL IN A CELL" AND/OR "ELIMINATION CHAMBER" MATCH... ENDS IN A FUCKING DISQUALIFICATION!?

Bonus "Creative" Award for the most "Special" Writing Team in Wrestling Today: Eric Bischoff and Hulk Hogan cannot fire Ric Flair because he was hired before Hogan and Bischoff were. They then proceed to fire Bobby Lashley and Mick Foley, both of whom were hired before Hogan and Bischoff were.

A round of very special applause for the very special writing team. Keep sharp objects away from them.

You've just been Halonic Death Ray'd, and like I say every week, if I'm not back within two or three weeks, consider me dead.

Feedback if you want: phenomynouss@hotmail.com

Andariel Halo is a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. She can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. She translates ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees. Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, Andy once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. Children trust her. She knows the exact location of every dairy item in the supermarket. She has performed covert operations for the CIA. She's in bed every day, but sleeps once a week, OH! The laws of physics do not apply to her. One time, she shot her friend in the back of the head with a BB gun, and placed all blame on him.

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TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).