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by Andariel Halo

February 24, 2011

I didn't really realize until a few days ago that I had purchased every Total War game (except Shogun) up until Empire Total War, after which I never purchased a Total War game ever again ever, due to their requiring Steam.

Also, if this episode of TNA iMPACT opens with IMMORTAL and/or Eric Bischoff alone coming down to the ring to smug it up, I'm retiring from this recap business thing. You'll see the end of me.

You won't see the end of me, though the open result is almost as bad; Anderson Anderson comes out first! Because nothing screams RATINGS! like an obnoxious shitheaded frat boy. He brings a steel chair into the ring to sit down in like a fuckass and say softly Here's the deal, I don't really care who's calling the shots around here, whether it's Eric Bischoff (some guy says yeah, lots of boos), Hulk Hogan (tons more boos and some cheers), Dixie Carter (near-total silence), or THE NETWORK, he don't care, he's calling the shots right now. And like the BIG MAN he is, he's going to sit in the ring like a fuckhead ALL NIGHT LONG until he gets a rematch because he's ashamed for being a loser who lost.

He says he doesn't know why THE NETWORK doesn't like him. I can think of at least seven reasons off the top of my head. He thinks and wonders IS IT WHY I THINK BECAUSE I'M A DOUCHEBAG FUCKWIT? He then makes a little tantrum stomping his feet on the mat shouting ASSHOLEASSHOLEASSHOLEASSHOLE then proceeds to be GREAT HERO LOOKUP TO CHILDREN by whining and bitching that Rob Van Dam ain't exactly a law-abiding citizen either.

What kind of face uses the "BUT THEY'RE WORSE THAN ME" bitch to escape their just criticism? Rob Van Dam music hits AS SOON AS Anderson Anderson Anderson Anderson finishes his shithead sentence. Rob Van then comes out and confronts Mister Kennedy all like You say RVD isn't exactly a law-abiding citizen? I just wanted to make sure my hearing's not DISTORTED MAN in funny stoner voice.

What about the LAWS of morality, Ken? I'm pretty sure there are no laws of morality, hippie. What about the laws against a guy feeding his friend to the sharks in order to get ahead? You honestly think there are laws against that?

Oh Rob Van Dam. It's going to be a hard life after wrestling, isn't it.

He's sure Kenneth had big plans in TNA, prompting a SHITHEADED "yup" from him, and Rob Van says maybe they might never see the light of day due to Rob Van Dam, and he knows RVD's the better wrestler and once he has the championship, Shithead will never get it again. And indeed, once Kennedy Kennedy has that microphone in his hand, he is a FORCE to be reckoned with. It takes an immense amount of FORCE to generate this much hatred for a gimmick from someone who thought Katie Vick was the greatest storyline ever in the history of bad taste. But the WHOLE FUCKING SHOW you are not, Shithead. And if RVD has the chance to screw him over the way Ken screwed him over last week he gonna do it.

First off, he didn't SCREW Rob Van Dam; Jeff Harvey---HARDY beat him cleanly. Anderson even helped him by counting really slow. Secondly, NICE JOB BEING A FUCKING RETARD, Anderson, because now the next time you get a title shot (fat chance), RVD is going to fuck you out of it for being a fucking retard!

Fuck this shit. I can't handle this anymore. It ends in a brawl. What a sight.

Towards the end, IMMORTAL comes out with Eric Bischoff smugging it up like WUT DO WE HAVE GOING ON HERE HURR DURR possibly a MAIN EVENT HERE! And guess what; he was GONNA give Fuckshit his rematch tonight, but NOW INSTEAD that he saw the SHEER RATINGS DRAW of what he sees in front of him, he's gonna make him wrestle Rob Van Dam for nothing. Nice job, retard!

Jeff Jarrett suggests something and Bischoff says YOU are a friggin genius, and THE NETWORK does want ratings after all. So TONIGHT IN THAT VERY RING, it's gonna be Shitcock and Rob Van Dam versus Kurt Angle in a THREE WAY DANCE!

Backstage, Scott Steiner talks about his POSEDOWN tonight with Big Roid Terry, he even been drinking James Storm Beer. Behind him, Eric Young randomly appears to remind you of just how good TNA has been to the X-Division, posing and such and Scotty catches him and is like THIS IS MY LOCKER whaddyou doing here? and Eric is like look at my posedown, and he looks terrible doing it and Steiner screams at him to get out and go find his boyfriend and SHUT UP and such.

Random Commercial-area Thoughts: I sure hope Al Snow and D'Lo Brown do something productive in TNA beyond appearing to be security guys in NONDESCRIPT CLOTHES

EARLIAR THIS WEEK Jeff Jarrett and Karen Jarrett shopping for wedding dresses or something with a flamboyantly gay-sounding man showing wedding dresses. It was more entertaining than a Randy Orton match.

BACKSTAGE NOW apparently Kurtle just saw it on TV and jackass cameraguy follows him asking what he thinks about them doing their stuff and such. Kurtle says now the whole world sees them for who they truly are, and he couldn't give Karen away more, and he gonna give them a wedding vow thing they won't forget, and neither will you.

Meanwhile, MATCH

Eric Young and Orlando Jordan vs NWA GUISE

Because neither team got an entrance, BEER MONEY comes out for no reason. They join in on commentary for this EPICALLY AWESOME MATCH which features one of the NWA GUISE getting thrown into Orlando's crotch, and Orlando grinding into him, complete to a girl shrieking in terror over so much rape. Then the other guy gets tagged in and Eric and him just run back and forth from opposing ropes for a long-ass time until the Roid Ranger blows up and comes to a stop. Orlando molests him and Eric goes back to running.

Roid Ranger shoves Orlando, distracting referee as Other Guy attacks Eric Young from behind. Other Guy then gets tagged in and plays with Eric's face then pin gets 2. Then EPIC HEADLOCK!~! RATINGS! HEADLOCKS! Eric gets up then gets kneed in the face, and slammed on the turnbuckle. Gunna then gets tagged in and he hosses up on Eric, and pin gets 2. Then a backdrop which Eric flips out of and bops him in the face. Murph Murph tags in and Eric spins around some before punching him. Then he takes off his shorts and is wearing CANADA tights.

But Gunna attacked him. Now Murphy attacks Orlando Jordan, then tags in Gunner, and they do a GENERIC TAG TEAM DOUBLE TEAM thing on Eric Young.


Backstage, Angelina Love speaks Canadian to Velvet Sky. She's apparently thinking about a boat in wrasslin SARITA and she's somehow suddenly crazy, and she can't TRUST her. TRUST your opponent? Velvet Sky says she needs to be alone. Good God, her implants look disgustingly huge, like they gonna break.

Random Commercial-area Thoughts: I feel sick and lightheaded

As Brother Devon comes out now, the only thing I can think of is just how... what must he be thinking about the new entrance video and music? It's like... not fit to even replace the Generic Midi themes on WWF Wrestlemania 2000. And the video is literally just "BROTHER DEVON" in some font that looks like "28 Days Later" kind of wiggling.

He comes out to the ring all pretending to be sadfaced and crytoned. He wants to make an apology to his sons Terence and Terrell. A father's worst dream is when he can't protect his own kids and he ffelt at Against All Nods, he could not protect you. After what that man did to you putting you through a table, kicking you in teh face, Bubba doze boys called you Uncle, those boyz believed in you, doze boyos were with us from the time they were born and they LOVED you and you put your hands on thnem. Terence, Terrell

Holy fucking shit, I only realized now how literally EVERYONE is DEAD QUIET during this promo. And a great promo it is.

I shoulda been there to protect you etcetera, and I promise you this will not go unanswered. This prompts BULLY RAY voice saying DEVON UP HEUH YOU WEAK PEESACRAP! He's on the not-Titan Tron, and says DO WHAT I TELL YOU stay down, STAY DOWN and he stomps on some random black guy on the floor. Whut? How's Terence? Is he the one he kicked int he face? How's Terrell? Is he the one he put through a table? Meanwhile he beats on the random black guy on the floor again, and just so you nevuh evuh evuh fuhget, he's gonna take ONEAYA OWN, ONEAYA BROTHIZ AND I'M GUNNA PUT HIM THROUGH THE TABLE. Wow, really? He gonna be a racist gimmick now? Just because he's a random black guy, he's his BROTHA and he gonna put him through a table to show stuff.

For no real reason, Tommy Dreamer appears behind BULLY Ray as he's about to powerbomb him, and starts beating up on him out into the arena. Devon goes to try to kill BULLY Ray and tons of security comes down to stop them. The same security that was nowhere when BULLY Ray was beating up a random nigger. Devon then randomly hits Tommy Dreamer. OH NOESZ CONTROVERSY! CASH! PERPETUAL 1.1 RATINGS!

Backstage, Madison Rayne says she don't need Tarantula's help in beating her RANDOM CHALLENGE of the week. NO MATTER WHAT stay back here.

Random Commercial-area Thoughts: My Twitter followers are like TNA's ratings

Up now, BRUTUS MAGNUS comes out, to just the name MAGNUS, with the JOBBER NON-ENTRANCE

Brutal Mange w/ Jobber Non-Entrance vs The Amazing Crimson

Fuck you and your goat, and all that shit. You must think I'm a dumb motherfucker. Fuck your fucking shit and stick a fucking knitting needle in your peehole.

WINNAR: Fuck you

Backstage, Rob Van Dam has apparently toked a bit, as he has no idea what this match is about anymore. He dribbles a few reasons and says yeah all those. He has to be focused on not losing. That's a good thing to focus on.

Backstage, BIG ROID TERRY comes down for his POSEDOWN. Hey, remember World Elite? Fuck you you don't.

Rob Terry vs Scott Steiner

Fucking Mike Tenay says that for ever, Scott Steiner's body has been the one by which wrestlers' have measured their future endeavors by. Not in TNA, though. Steiner says the BEST NARE YOU COULDA HOPED FOR THE BEST THING YOU COULDA HOPED FOR WAS FOR ME TO COME IN THE RING IN A GOOD MOOD but he Roid Terry called himself a Genetic Freak and that pisses Steiner off. Why don't you come up with something original? Why don't you call yourself Chernobyl? Because you look like you're a couple vitamins away from a chemical disaster.

Kettle hath declared victory.

Steiner says he EARNED his nickname, and his punkass comes from bodybuilding trying to take his name in his world and such. You think he was gonna come out here in speedos and oil himself up like Chippendales/ Are you outta yer frickin mind? Tell you what, I'mmina go back there, get my wrestling stuff on and if you're out here, I'mmina kick yer ass.

Big Roid says that's typical American to run away when confronted with someone bigger, stronger, faster, and a whole damn smarter than he is. Does this mean we're getting a posedown instead of a wrestling match? Big Roid then pops Scott Steiner with a weight, then punches him some, and chokes on him with the rubber pully-thing. After a long-ass time, security FINALLY comes out to break them up. This is like the third time they've rushed out to break shit up.

WINNAR: Scott Steiner

Backstage somewhere, Velvet Sky says NOPE and turns to leave when Random Winter appears but she's like come back here please, isn't it time to let bygones be bygones? I think you have more important things on your mind than me right now, and now that we're friends and all, I hear people talking and doubting your abilities, but I'm not one of them, I would really like to see you go out there and prove yourself, just like the time that me and Angelina went out there and won those tag team championships. Yeah, remember that? When a person not even in the match at all went and fucking WON the match AND the championships instead of getting Angelina fucking disqualified?

Random Commercial-area Thoughts: "Angelina and I", not "Me and Angelina"

When we return EARLIAR this week, the Jarretts talk to a priest-looking guy. They tell him about themselves, he's a WONDERFUL father and such, and they got married months ago, but they want THE WORLD to see their love, and most of all KURT to see their love. Mirroring the sentiments of 6.7 or 6.8 billion people in the world, the Priest asks who the fuck you are, and who is Kurt. She says its her ex-husband, and he's like Oh dear lord and such. Hew says Why are you doing this? You put your children up and now you're going to do this for Kurt? He says THIS IS BLASPHEMY and Jarrett says NO ITS NOT it's non-denominational! Scene cuts. Was that a punchline to some joke?

Ric Flair comes out to the ring, saying it's hard to be humble when you're Ric Flair. Then he pedo's it up to a very young-looking teen girl int he audience. People chant NATURE BOY and he tells them to stop, you don't tell him who he is. People cheer him and such even though he's supposedly a heel or something. He wants AJ Styles out here now. He then acknowledges that there are TWO Gods; God and God, with him being the God in the wrestling ring thing apparently. He wants AJ Styles on his knees before him to suck his old cock. I mean to apologize to God. Why? They didn't do anything to him.

He comes out, and AJ Styles says it's funny that you think that HOLD ON A SECOND cos Ric Flair interrupts him and such. He says I'm talking to a man, you're talking to a God. You know why I was avoiding you? Because every cell in my body wanted to beat the piss out of you and peel your head like an onion, but I'm not gonna do that. THEN YOU WIN! You get to AJ Styles, you win, that's how The Game is played? I just lost it, and you did too.

Ric Flair says the game is played when Nature Boy's in town, FOURTUNE don't move without him. You think Beer Money's hanging around? James won't even come near him! He offered to buy James a hundred beers last night but he was nowhere to be found! AJ says because he was drinking. But not with God, says Flair! He says Flair would've talked them out of their haphazard faceturn and he couldn't allow that to happen. Meanwhile, Flair goes off on an incoherent tangent about his path of greatness, and he gonna teach AJ about respect, and smacks him. AJ just lunges on him to beat him up and such.

Because he's the chicano manservant, Hernandez comes out to beat up on AJ Styles. AJ somehow throws him out, and goes back to punching up Ric Flair and stomping him down. Hernandez then comes back to beat up AJ Styles. AJ breaks away, then OMFG PELE OUTTA NOWHERE~!~!~!@!@! AJ then tears Ric Flair's pant leg off because Flair loves having his clothes torn away.

Hernandez AGAIN shows up to beat AJ off. Fuck's sake, you fucking suck if you have to rescue Flair three times because AJ fucked you up. They fight on the outside, and Ric Flair is shouting at Hernandez as he rolls AJ in... and AJ baseball slides him, punches Ric, then springboard crossbodies onto Hernandez. Also Ric Flair bladed for no reason at some point. AJ now continuing to tear Ric's clothes off. Fuck's sake.

AJ then gets in Styles Clash position and AGAIN Hernandez gets in to push AJ off. Hernandez, you're fired. You fucking suck as security. Speaking of which, why has NO ONE in Fourtune come out to stop---NOW THEY COME! Fuck you. Matt Morgan attacks Hernandez from behind, because it was TOTALLY Matt Morgan who broke Hernandez's neck because Morgan was a shithead who was crushing heads in and Hernandez is a bad guy for coming after him.

Backstage, Bullshitter is looking forward to getting past all the Bullshit Bischoff has been giving him. No, YOU'RE black, kettle! Hey, remember that whole business with him LYING OUT HIS FUCKING ASS about being medically cleared after a heinous concussion, and responding to polite questions to see this proof with smug shit-headed insults and cross-eyed fuck-faces?

Random Commercial-area Thoughts: Why the fuck does TNA even have fucking titantrons if they don't have fucking entrance videos at all? Just fucking names and words.

YET ANOTHER VIDEO PACKAGE about the IMMORTAL thing, including Chris Abyss. Remember him? TNA don't.

Now, MADISON RAYNE and stuff with her OPEN CHALLENGE to ODB. I mean mystery opponent. Definitely a mystery opponent.

Madison Rayne vs ODB

Go fuck your momma you son of a bitch eat her fucking asshole out you cocksucker.

WINNAR: Madison Rayne


Backstage Velvet Sky talks to the camera saying she's sick of being shittalked about, and is literally like 3 feet away from Sarita and turns to talk to her, to do the complete opposite of waving a white flag... just to say she's accepted Sarita's challenge. That's it? I thought she already did. Sarita is PRETTY IMPRESSED with her and will give her her word; she not gonna pull any tricks, just a wrestling match, etcetera. Velvet leaves, and Sarita smurks and spoofs and says I'm gonna screw her so hard, she's gonna have trouble walking. NICE JOB SAYING IT ON CAMERA! ON A SHOW THAT IS GOING TO AIR A WEEK BEFORE THIS MATCh, GIVING HER PLENTY OF TIME TO SEE THIS!

Random Commercial-area Thoughts: I'm tired. My heart is aching. My stomach is wrenching. I'm in pain.

Backstage, Matt Morgan lies out his fucking ass, bitching at Hernandez for attacking him, HIS FORMER TAG TEAM PARTNER, the same guy who betrayed Hernandez, crushed his fucking head in with his boot, and broke his fucking neck, and how HERNANDEZ is a bad guy for having problems with this. Fire Russo.

EARLIAR THIS WEEK Jeff Jarrett is being fitted for a tuxedo, and such. He says the guy probably never heard of him, Kurt Angle, he got a big fat head, please fit him for a tuxedo, too.

TNA FLASHBACK showing JWoww siphoning $15,000 of TNA money for a one-time appearance that served no purpose at all except to DRAW RATING AWAY from TNA by pimping Jersey Shore, which airs at the same time as iMPACT. Now, behold as they dump ANOTHER truckload of money on ANOTHER Jersey Shore member to contribute nothing at all to iMPACT!

Anderson Anderson vs Rob Van Dam vs Kurt Angle

Kurt Angle bumrushes the Shithead, and he and Rob Van start pounding on him incessantly. How's that concussion, by teh way? You know, the one you never produced a single shred of evidence supporting it'd been recovered from? The one which for all we know and care, you could still be suffering from? Probably drinking yourself into a stupor every night?

Anderson slowly rises in one corner and Angle lets Rob Van shoulderthrust him, then backflip and shoulderthrust him again. Angle then runs to spear Kennedy but Kennedy moves and he hits the turnbuckle. Rob Van then beats up on him and irish whips him, then rolling Monkey Flip on the bleached monkey. Rob Van them abruptly clotheslines Angle, then Rolling Thoondah, and Anderson slips in to smuggly smash on Rob Van and stomp him. Irish whip thing on Kennedy but he slips under and spinning neckbreakers Rob Van Dam and pin gets 2.

Angle up and suplexes Kennedy fast. He tries to pick him up but Anderson smugs his stomach, and so Angle punches his fucking faggot face in. Iriush whip reversed by him, and ANgle reverses his attempted splash with a kick to the face, then a clothesline. Rob Van Dam then pops up and stares at Angle. Angle pops him one, then runs around and Anderson pulls a rope down so Angle falls out and goes to nap, and Rob Van twirling leg dorps on Anderson Anderson. Anderson on the ropes and RVD beats him then irish whip and Kurtle wakes up and drags Anderson out of the ring to punch up on him. WHAT GIVES?

Rob Van Dam then jumps onto both of them. Commercials later, Angle and Rob Van Dam in the ring while Anderson lays outside. Rob Van tries his Monkey Flip thing but Angle turns him around and puts him on the top rope. Rob Van slips off the ropes and kicks Angle in the body. Then standing moonsault. Rob Van beats on Kurtle, then irish whip but Kurtle kicks his chest, and he gets back body dropped out of the ring, and Shithead slides in to backdrop Rob Van DAm. Pin gets 2.

Then Anderson tries some kind of AAAARMBAAAAR but fails, then tries for a more standard armlock thing on his other arm. Failure Failure! Rob Van slowly gets up and punches on him. Anderson then punches him, breaking up his own move in the process. Into the corner, Rob Van slams his face down, then springboard backkicks him. Angle slips in, then rushes at Rob Van and Anderson, clotheslining them one by one, punching up, runs at Rob Van in the corner but gets booted, but then catches him in a Belly to Belly Suplezz, then gets Anderson in three German Suplays. Then he does one German Suplay to Rob Van Dam. Then an Olympic Slam on Anderson. But then ZUMFGSZ Stevie Kick by Rob Van Dam onto him.

Rob Van gets up to do a Five Star Frog Splash but Kurt Angle gets up and belly to belly suplexes him off the top, and Rob Van falls out of the ring. Anderson Anderson then tries to mic check but gets dropped with a T-Bone Suplay by Angle, when OH NOESZ RANDOM WEDDING MUSIC PLAYS as Anderson Anderson is almost caught in an Ankle Lock. Jarrett and Jarrett come out in tuxedo and dress, with glasses of champagne, smugging it up while Kurt stares. Speaking of which, did you know they moved Victory Road up to March? And it's coming March 13th? We sure didn't. They didn't say shit about this, and it's only because it's permanently playing on the titantron---instead of like, the match and stuff---advertising a shitty PPV no one will buy.

WINNAR: Anderson Anderson Anderson Anderson Anderson Anderson

Just a few minutes left, and a few minutes until my Paul Heyman shooty~! They shill NEXT WEEK'S iMPACT, instead of that whole pay per view thing coming in like two weeks. TWO FUCKING WEEKS AND NOT A SINGLE FUCKING MATCH PLANNED.

Here it comes; The Taz just got word from the production truck of NEW~! FOOTAGE:

TNA YAY: Keep fucking that chicken

TNA BOO: Everything else

TNA WTF: Shooty-time. TNA does incredibly stupid shit all the time, but so did WCW. And WCW still got shittons more ratings than TNA. Eric Bischoff himself is the sort who claims that the IWC doesn't matter, while working in a company in which the head writer is a delusional paranoid man who believes the IWC is the ONLY wrestling fanbase, and of which his twisted ideas of "cleverness" completely fail to match up to this delusion.

TNA can keep being stupid and keep its product incoherent and shitty. They'll still have that perpetual 1.1 - 1.3 ratings, rotting at those levels and never breaching further unless HULK HOGAN HIMSELF shows up. In fact, I'm fully convinced that, despite the idiotic level of idiocy their storylines reach, that does NOT justify the stagnant ratings it achieves; WCW showed that it could have double the ratings with the same quality product.

But then there's this; a promo hyping the date 2/21/11 shows up on WWE TV, with NO ANNOUNCEMENT AT ALL of who it is, and the IWC in its collective wank-fantasies gush STING everywhere. STING, the one huge-name WCW superstart who NEVER worked for WWF WWE, either before or after WCW's rise/fall. This was NOT promised ANYWHERE AT ALL EVEN REMOTELY HINTED, and people went nuts trying to find secret messages in the thing. So more promos were released with clues that hinted more so at the Undertaker. Then it was revealed as the Undertaker, and people shit themselves in collective embarassment that they were holding out hope beyond coherency and logic.

And then there's this...

TNA blatantly, OBVIOUSLY, rips off the WWE promo. It's as obvious a ripoff as fucking Transmorphers, and it looks cheap, bushleague, they could afford the fake rain but couldn't afford to rent out a fucking cabin to make the ripoff complete.

Even worse, the DAY THIS PROMO AIRS, as a snarky, almost too clever to be a Russo and/or Bischoff production, the REVEAL for the video is FILMED in the form of Sting winning the TNA Championship from Jeff Hardy.

This, simply put, makes TNA look bush-league. Dictionary.com has ONLY ONE definition for Bushleague; "inferior or amateurish; mediocre"

That is exactly what this is not just in execution, but in concept and intent. It's an inferior copy of something that made HUGE wrestling news. This made news for less than an hour before it was spoiled anyway. It's amateurish in its blatant attempt to copy something that came before it that held greater weight and volume than this. It is mediocre in thought and intent, because it shows a sick twisted mentality that somehow thinks that because WWE let down a tiny minority of its fanbase by NOT pulling something out of their ass they NEVER promised, they can blatantly copy the very thing, WITH that very delivery promised, that they can... what? Stick it to the WWE? 2/21/11 got tons of buzz, 3/3/11 isn't getting shit unless it's being compared to 2/21/11. To snatch some fans in to watch and see Sting return? Hooray for another 0.1 or 0.2 boost in ratings?

If that is their intent at all, which given the blatant copy of the WWE promo, it's OBVIOUS that they're trying to generate attention; STING RETURNING!

Except, you're not the WWE, TNA. It's a bit hard to tell when 80% of your active roster are known WWE guys, but you are NOT the WWE. Even worse, Sting has been in TNA for YEARS. He was gone for maybe a year or a year and a half.

Sting coming to the WWE is the wet dream of millions of wrestling fans in 2011. It's the wrestling equivalent of the Alexander the Great vs Gaius Julius Caesar battle, or Jesus vs Moses vs Muhammad, or of a black gay woman being elected president of the United States

Sting coming to TNA is a flashback. It's the wrestling equivalent of Jesus preaching the same old shit again. It's the wrestling equivalent of an old white man being elected president of the United States. It can certainly bring benefit, it can certainly be a good thing for the company, but it means NOTHING. It brings no change. It's a return to a previous form of the status quo. It is simply nothing special, nothing worth hyping about in a supremely uncreative way that only exposes just how small, insecure, bitter, and washed up the "creative" minds in TNA truly are.

This is a tragic moment for a wrestling fan who hoped to see TNA become something like the next WCW, and be legitimate competition to the WWE. There's a difference when a company copies another company's idea in jest, to make fun of it (see Gillberg, Billionaire Ted, Blue World Order, Fake Diesel and Fake Razor Ramon), but when a company copies a bigger company's idea, literally days after the idea has gone, and uses it with a straight face, and with an obvious intention of trying to insult the original creator.

For the WWE, the only thing they could say is, Hello lawsuit!

Go play on my fucking Twitter Captain Halo

Feedback if you fucking want: phenomynouss@hotmail.com

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Andariel Halo is a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. She can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. She translates ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees. Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, Andy once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. Children trust her. She knows the exact location of every dairy item in the supermarket. She has performed covert operations for the CIA. She's in bed every day, but sleeps once a week, OH! The laws of physics do not apply to her. One time, she shot her friend in the back of the head with a BB gun, and placed all blame on him.

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November 2006


by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).