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TNA IMPACT
REPORT
(02/18/10)
by ANDARIEL HALO

When you've got a boring day, what better way to make it better than recapping TNA iMPACT! See? I'm better than that Cameron Burge faggot already! He hates everything about Raw, and didn't even bother covering that TOTALLY AWESOME BIT OF ENTERTAINMENT with Jerry Springer and... even -I- thought it was horrid.

Speaking of horrid, we get a recap of Against All Nods, which was made to live to its title when the black guy was ambushed by the nWo for no reason whatsoever, and still defeated Mister Kennedy. And Samoa Joe blew his title shot, as Eric Bischoff was busy suckerpunching Ric Flair, causing Styles to kick out of a pin, then beat up on Josephus and forcing Eric Bischoff to make a slow as shit count because he hates AJ and Joe is too fat to kick out or soemthing.

Also, TNA on Mondays or some shit. They say 9 oclock eastern. I have to go to work that early in the morning, so fuck their shit.

Tonight's random title: "Lord of the Ring"! OH NOESZ THEY RESURRECTING SAURON!

The Pope comes out, and declares he is, indeed, managing prostitutes. Then last Sunday, he is number one contendah to lose to AJ Styles. ELIJAH BURKE = WWE JOBBER, ELISHA BURT = TNA CHAMPION. Also, he called him "Dick Flair" accidentally, wink wink. He says it's okay cos Ric is a Dick, so Dick Flair, hear the Pope mocking your penis size, because he will never be the charismatic pimptacular handclappin foottappin pimpslappin blingin-attire always-on-fire Pope D'Angelo Dinero.

So the Holy Dark Father is going to enter as the challenger but after all teh fake money has fallen, he will be declared by his congregation the new TNA World Champion. A single electric guitar playing Also sprach Zarathustra then comes and Ric Flair enters to it. Doods, come on, it's practically fucking public domain music. And if not, it can't be that expensive to license for a bit. And I insist on calling it "Also Sprach Zarathustra" because I think that name sounds cool. HISTORY LESSON: Zarathustra is some kind of bastard-bitch abomination of Zoroastra/Zoroaster, the holy Prophet of one of the first Monotheistic religions, Zoroastrianism, which worshipped a single God called Ahura Mazda, who represented the light in a classic clash between good and evil. Zoroastrianism dominated the Middle East before Islam kicked their shit in.

Speaking of whatever I was saying, Ric Flair wonders if the black BOY can read. If so, read this: his jacket says "Armani", which is a name. He says it is an Italian designer who makes suits and such. He says his name is Ric Flair, it has been and always will be. Who the fuck is Richard Flehr? And when His Holy Darkness was a little boy, he was wishing to be Ric Flair. Ric Flair was bling before there was bling. Ric Flair doesn't get wet, water gets Ric Flair. Ric Flair pisses his name in concrete.

And yet now he's almost exhausted, as he's been with AJ and his legion since last Sunday. So he's been having sex with AJ Styles since last Sunday. He's the greatest wrestling machine etcetera. He's custom-made, and not just a CAW template, CAWdy Rhodes. To summarize it all, he's the TNA World Champion, which makes him the greatest athlete alive... until he loses that championship to Jesse Fail or some shit, because Russo loves the WWE. The Pope says "You're name may be Ric, but in Pope's eyes, you're still Dick" Must have been written by Russo. Pope said you can do a bunch of things to AJ like dying his hair and such but at the end of the day he's still a piece of crap.

Ric Flair then racisms it up by calling him a street thug, hubcap-stealin, lowride-drivin' son of a gun, and he's got more money in AJ's suit than the Pope's parents got in green stamps. Pope mocks the ladies, and AJ squeals something about him being nothing nobody going nowhere. And he says he's on AJ like white on rice, and beats on him and Ric Flair. But you see, he's black, and The Taz says "that's never gonna happen" as the two WHITE MEN beats on him. For no reason except to annoy the piss out of me, the bell starts ringing. Anything for a chance to justify that paycheck.

Ric Flair brings a steel chair in, puts it on His Holy Left Leg and stomps on it and such.

Random Commercial-area Thoughts: I

MOMENTS AGO we get the recap of what we just saw MOMENTS AGO. Just to remind us she hasn't been fired, it's

Daffney w/ My lesbian lusts vs Tarantula

Daffney lunges at her first and pushes her against the rope. Then Tara exercises her HOGAN control and starts throwing some of the absolute worst and laziest punches ever, while Daffney sells it. She then does some kind of spinny slammy thing. Daffney takes control, European uppercuts, then chops on her tits, irish whips and dodges and gets back body dropped by Tara. She takes off her shirt and tosses it away, then runs at Daffney's boot. She slams Tara down, then does a high-angle snapmare and another one. Then another one, and kicks her in the face.

Now she kicks up on Tara and shoves her out of the ring. Now she beats on her on the outside, or at least a bit, before getting beaten on. She then gets a toolbox from under the ring and attacks Tara with it.

WINNAR: Tara

I remember back in teh days of WWF Wrestlemania 2000, you could somehow avoid disqualification by using a weapon on someone on the outside of the ring. But if you got back in the ring, you were disqualified. So if you're in a tag team match, you could just killshit your opponent, and let your partner do all the in-ring pinning and stuff. Oh yeah, and Daffney kept killing Tara until Doctor comes to stop her and pick her up to carry her away.

MEANWHILE BACKSTAGE Mick Foley enters MISTER BISCHOFF's office. Foley wants to apologize for his match but Bischoff says he shouldn't as he did the best he could do and put a hunnerd percent and put effort and such. He then introduces them to two unknown people standing in the background called Jacqueline and Patrick. They have measuring things, and they will take his measurements for something. Bischoff wants him lookin FINE, and they will take him shopping today for a makeover. TOTAL NONSTOP ACTION! Bischoff then gets on the phone and ANGRILY calls for Chris Parks to come in.

Random Commercial-area Thoughts: The Alabama teacher who shot three of her colleagues asked if she's been fired.

Kevin Nash comes to the iMPACT zone backstage.

Coming to the ring now is Orlando Jordan, escorted by a fag and a woman. Good God, Jordan looks like a horrifying nightmare, like a transvestite but not a transexual. He's not even 2/3rds of the way down the ramp before Samoa Joe's music hits, but HE'S OCCUPIED BACKSTAGE BY ERIC BISCHOFF YELLING AT HIM and wanting him to impress Eric Bischoff

Orlando Jordan vs Samoan Josef

The tranny rushes him immediately, so Joe PREJUDICES IT UP by punching him up all quickly and such. He irish whips him into a turnbuckle and smashes his back on him, then kicks him up. Fag then gains control and they run only for Josep to smash him down with both his legs, but not in a dropkick stuff. He then chops the black guy, and runs at him but OH NO THE FAG HUGS HIM OH GOD OH GOD oh, it's just a spinebuster. He starts grabbing Joe and swinging neckbreakers him and now elbow dorps on him. Then he backs off and does a jumping knee dorp on him. Joe gets up after a one.

Now the fag guy is doing a CHINLOCK but since he's not Randy Orton, Joe gets up and beats out of it, punchies him up, irish whip and clotheslines him a bit. Then he whips him, back body dorps, and all of a sudden feeling it, then knees and puts Orlando on the turnbuckle and punchies him up, then chops him, and tries to punch but the black guy dodges and jumps off with a I don't know, some kind of clinging to Joe's back and slamming him down, then pins.

WINNAR: Orlando Jordan

Chris Parks squealing backstage and goes to Jay Bee to ask him stupid questions while wondering aloud why Mr Bischoff wants to see him.

Well I was going to photoshop a picture of Abyss's head on Eugene's body, but I couldn't find a good enough picture of his head facing forward so I gave up.

Video package pimping the TNA Knockouts, including Amazing Kong who was suspended for being a negress! YOU tell ME why else she did it! Becauser she punched out a fat racist friend of Hulk Hogan's? You honestly think that's not something a black person would inherently do? No hate or disrespect to black people, I have way too much respect for those coons.

Now Chris Parks has ended up in Bischoff's office, squealing and tugging on his hair. Bischoff said he warned him and told him what he would do if that bat didn't get used. Mick Foley apparently tried to use it, but Chris Parks did not let it happen, so Eric is all mad-pants, and Chris Parks said he didn't want to hurt Mick... and yet he slammed Mick on thumbtacks. Bischoff said he didn't want him to use the tacks, but the bat. So now THE MASK! Bischoff wants the mask off of him, but Chris Parks says it's what he is and it's who he is. In no way whatsoever was this ever even mentioned or brought up at any point in the past two years.

Chris Parks squeals and runs away. This is why I don't call him "Abyss" anymore.

Backstage, Christy Hemme is intarviewing Eric "Who the Hell is This Guy?" Young. He talks about the nWo because he no longer has a personality or a World Elite of his own.

Random Commercial-area Thoughts: When a Persian messenger comes to your city demanding an offering of earth and water as a token of submission, what do you think is more badass? Chucking him down a steep pit and smuggly telling him to "Dig it out for yourself"? Or incoherently screaming the name of your city and kicking him down?

For some reason, Eric Bischoff brings a barbed-wire covered bat into a big wooden room with Jeff Jarrett in it. OH DON'T WORRY JEFF, HE WANTS -YOU- TO USE IT IN HIS MATCH AGAINST CHRIS PARKS. If he does it, then Bischoff may just buy him a velvet painting of Elvis to put up on the wall of his dwessing woom. Jarrett's like "alright" like he doesn't give a shit either way.

Speaking of investments that fizzled out of total Creative apathy, here's the Motor guns and Brian Kendrick

TEH DOUG, Murder guns, Brian Kendrick vs The Amazing Red and THOSE GUYS and... Frankie Kazarian

Wow, talk about a total fizzle---his EPIC return after a YEAR AND A HALF of NOT being Suicide, and he's just randomly coming out in a big clusterfuck match. TEH DOUG ambushes him from behind, and Kazarian nevertheless gains control and drags in Brian Kendrick to beat on him. For some reason, he's trying to tag in his partners despite that he's not been tagged in anyway. THOSE GUYS come in to do some identical double team moves so you can't tell them apart. Alex Shelley gets in now to beat on ONE OF THOSE GUYS.

ONE OF THOSE GUYS now gets ahold of him, only for Alex Shelley to reverse with an arm wrench, then tags in Chris Sabin and they double team on him and such. Chris Satan tries a pin gets 2. He starts irish whipping THAT GUY diagonally across the FOUR SIDED RING TURNBUCKLE but then the Red guy gets tagged in and does his weak-ass flippy dippy bullshit. For some reason, all of Amazing Red's flippy shit looks weak as hell, while people like AJ Styles and the Motor City Machine Guns can make their flippy shit look genuine and destructive. Red is just a stuntboy.

TEH DOUG is now in to beat on the Red guy, and does things like a running knee to his gut, then a Suplesx, then gets on the top rope for Red to do a spinny roundhouse kick that literally looks like it never fucking touched him, but he sells anyway. Kaz tehn gets in and does some moves, a dropkick after a spinkick, floatsover into a neckbreaker on him, and Brian Kendrick gets in to break up the pin, and THOSE GUYS beat him up and do a double team move which Chris Sabin knocks on the other guy after it's done.

Shelley trips up Kaz, and Sabin and they start double teaming on Kazarian, but RED dorpkicks both of them somehow, then gets on the top to flip onto the Motor guns on the outside. Kazarian then beats Kendrick off the apron, and jumps onto it in time to shoulderblock TEH DOUG and slingshot DDT for a pin.

WINNAR: Amazing Red, THOSE GUYS, and Kazarian

Backstage, Chris Parks is running madly with his arms at his side, and smacks his palms on the door. The microphones blasted out somehow, and the voices of him and a referee start sounding really incredibly loud. Like, the way it sounds when someone turns the volume up on their microphone, starts screaming into it, but you lower your volume control so it's not too loud. The referee is like "YOU GOT A MATCH YOU GOT TO GO TO THE RING NOW!"

Chris Parks vs Jeff Jarrett w/ Still no music and video

Jarrett gets in and they start with some grappling, then Chris Parks shoulderblocks him, and stands there. He points his finger at Jeff, and Jarrett headlocks him, but Chris tosses him away, only for Jeff to kick him after bouncing off the ropes, then Chris clotheslines him. More standing around and such, then Chris pushes him into the corner, only for Chris Parks to reverse it all. He tries a floatoverthing on the turnbuckle but Chris stops and tries a Shock Treatment but gets drilled in the ehad with Jarrett's boot.

Jarrett then does a move on the rope so incredibly weak and lame, it got total silence from the crowd. Awkward lead-in to him strutting. Now he's on the turnbuckle punching up Chris, but Chris pulls him off, and does an Atomic Drop with Jarrett reversing it. You know, despite Jarrett doing his best, and Chris undoubtedly playing some kind of story, this match completely sucks. It's kind of the same way I described Raven vs Jeff Jarrett at Lockdown 2005---it's like these two are wrestling AT each other, instead of with each other. Like they could be wrestling with no one, near each other, absolutely no chemistry or care whateover.

Chris Parks pulls in a chair after driving Jeff Jarrett into the elevated ramp, and Chris wedges it in the turnbuckle. Chris pushes the bat away and squealy freaks out just from touching it. Jarrett slowly rises to be punched up by Chris Parks, then irish whipped, and kicked in the gut. Jarrett then tries to toss Chris into the chair, but he stops him, and they both clothesline each other. Jonestown Spot brings Eric Bischoff out slowly.

Random Commercial-area Thoughts: What is "The Crazies" about? Why is it so anticipated? Thus far, the trailers seem to play it like a typical newer South Park episode played straight---townspeople behave like moronic retards and kill people who are sane, or else get them killed by their stupidity.

When we come back, Chris Parks has sideslammed Jarrett and pins for gets 2. Jarrett staggers around, and Bischoff watches from the ramp. People chant "USE THE BAT" and Chris Parks retard-handslaps. He runs at Jarrett's boots and Jarrett jumps at him for a double axe handle but gets chokeslammed and pin gets 2. I get the feeling Russo or someone's idea for Chris Parks' evolution in gimmick is that "Retards are scary". I happen to agree.

Jarrett arm wrenches Chris, and shoves his head into the steel chair wedghed at the turnbuckle. Eric Bischoff says "Do it now" all dramatically and Jarrett gets the barbed wire bat. And just to show how little people care about this whole "dilemma" thing, people are cheering for him to use it. And he just stands around like he's conflicted. He then decides against it, holding the bat and tossing it out of the ring as Bischoff is all mad-looking now. He then gets on the microphone and is like "You know what, Jarrett? I knew I couldn't trust you to get the job done. Guys? Now!" And a bunch of heels run to the ring to earn their paychecks.

WINNAR: None

Rhino, Tyson Tomko, Desmond Fail, Homicide, Raven, they're all here to beat on Chris Parks. People chant for Foley. Bischoff then grabs Chris Parks' mask as though to take it off and be all like "You wanna see this? You wanna see this?" Like I said last week, Kane this ain't. Hulk Hogan's music hits just in time to spoil this anticlimactic moment. Imagine if any and all crime could be paused just by playing music before it. That'd be awesome.

Girl: No, don't rape me, please, sir!
Rapist: I'm gonna fuck your ass silly, bitch---

DUN! DUN! DUNDUUUUUUN Dun dun!dun!dunduuun Dun Dun!Dun!DunDuuun Dun DUN!DUN! DUN DUUN WHAT IS LOVE? BABY DON'T HURT ME! DON'T HURT ME! NO MORE! WHAT IS LOVE? BABY DON'T HURT ME

Rapist: *stares*
Girl: I'm free! *stares, too*

Well, maybe it wouldn't be THAT awesome. At least you can say Hulk Hogan stopped a raping with his entrance music! Also, he orders Chris Parks to his office, and just leaves with him.

Random Commercial-area Thoughts: Star Trek is so badass with its time travel, they have a special Federal bureau dedicated solely to maintaining the timeline intact, questioning anyone who goes back in time, and going back in time themselves to fix it. It's just like this: Click Here: Wikihistory

MOMENTS AGO we get a recap of what we just saw before the commercials. NOW WE GO BACK to where Chris Parks is being escorted by Hogan's own company of lictors dressed in TNA shirts.

Oh, and Big Roid Terry is randomly introduced as Global Champion, though at least The Taz and Tenay mention the win. And speaking of people absolutely buried since Hogan's arrival, here's Beer Money

The British people vs Beer Money

How could this match be ANYTHING but amazing? I mean, this reminds me entirely of that time I put my thumb out, and got hitchhiked all the way from my hometown of Brooklyn New York to somewhere else in New York, for WWF show! I got to be in the fourth or fifth row, watching as Jimmy "Superfly" Snuka leapt off the top of the cage down onto Don Muraco, and my dreams of being a w--

oh wait, that's Mick Foley's flashback. I guess I don't have any special wrestling memories to tell.

OOH! I remember as a child, I'd watch Smackdown from 8 to 9, thinking it was only an hour, because I had to go to bed at 9pm. I WAS A KID, DAMMIT! Then when I grew up, I also started watching Raw is War at 9 in my mom's room, and I'd play wrestling with a pillow and chokeslam it and do stuff to it. Also, I got DDT'd for real life in real life. It wasn't very bright, but hey, who is bright when they're 12? Fucking kids. I hate kids. I think I almost did a Suplex once, but it didn't really work out.

I don't really know how to explain my Mark-ness. Of course I didn't genuinely think these matches were real, or that the punches were real punches or that these people genuinely hated each other. Somehow, I thought it was something like what... well, like what ECW and WCW did, I think---have real life write the plot. In that regard, I honestly thought Undertaker and Kane were brothers, and rather than take the Undertaker to court and get him arrested, he'd sign a contract that would let him beat the shit out of the Undertaker on a yearly basis.

And there was a brief period where I guessed that match outcomes were decided by backstage games, like Poker or Blackjack or even flips of the coin.

WINNAR: Beer Money

After the match, Maggus blames Big Roid for the loss, and says he's gonna take his belt and tells him to get out. So of course, Big Roid clotheslines the Roman (remmeber that shitty gimmick?) and leaves with his championship.

Backstage, Kevin Nash paces. Mike Tenay clarifies that he wants to speak to Scott Hall and X-Pac.

Random Commercial-area Thoughts: ONE OF THESE DAYS I'M GOING TO RECAP RAW AND FORCE DISCO BURGE TO RECAP iMPACT! THEN WE'LL SEE HOW HE LIKES HIS HORNSWOGGLE!

Chris Parks is squealing and whining in Hogan's office, and screams and whines and squeals and starts hyperventilating as Hogan enters and yells at him. He is so sick and tired of watching Chris shake, chase his tail, and being afraid of his own shadow. RIGHT NOW, IT STOPS, IT'S OVER, IT'S A DONE DEAL, etcetera. Hogan asks if he knows who Superman is and who Popeye is. Hogan thinks it's Superman's cape that makes him strong?

Hogan thinks it's Superman's cape that makes him strong?

He then asks if CHris Parks is a monster, and says Hulkamania is a monster, and says Chris Parks will never cower again, never shake, never back up, and such. He then shows him Hulk Hogan's hall of fame ring, and Chris keeps squealing and gasping. Hogan's like this ring is the only thing that's never left him, and the only thing he's got left. He says he's so crippled now, he can barely get out of the bed in the morning, so do you understand what this means to him?

So Hogan gives him the ring. Holy shit. He says it will give him the POWER OF THE UNIVERSE! And it will love him and protect him and make him the GOD OF WRESTLING! He will be ten times the man and wrestler than Hulk Hogan ever was. And just like Gollum, he slips the ring on and is all like "I FEEL IT!!" He then screams and laughs like Gollum.

Christopher Daniels vs Kurt Angle

What a jerk in emotion to have that thing followed by this thing. And two bald guys wrestling just won't work for me---who can tell them apart? One bald guy beatrs on another one, but hte fatter one grabs him, then the thinner one breaks out and tries an overhead flip thing, but the fatter one just walks out of it and puts on an ANKLE LOCK! Thinner guy taps out as soon as the fatter one flips it over.

WINNAR: Kurt Angle

Kurt Angle gets the microphone to call out The One, saying he beat Angle, but the way he did is a different story. Nonetheless, Neo won. But what pissed him off is what he did with this. If anyone doesn't know what this is, it's a tag. In the military, it's a little smaller. They put the soldiers' names on them, so in case they die in battle, the commanders ca--- why am I repeating what he said? You know what a fucking dog tag is. They chant "USA" despite a dog tag being something every nations' soldiers wear.

But it MEANS SOMETHING TO ANGLE! He went through a hard divorce, shamed his kids by getting arrested (he's crying now), and falsely accused of things he didn't do. People cheer because real men aren't afraid to cry. REAL MEN CRY! And not ten years ago, they all booed and made fun of him for crying in the ring. Remember that? That was a fun angle (no pun). And they showed that Pizza Hut commercial he did in 1996!

He mentions his stay in the jail cell, and his posting bail, and made an appearance in Fort Hood, Texas, and met some amazing people there. He met soldiers, he met family members of soldiers, he met family members of soldiers who died in battle, and he had one soldier come up to him talking about how he read about him on the internet and in the news, and yet THEY BELIEVE IN HIM! Yay for soft pops! So he gives Angle the thing to remind him of who he is.

There's an inscription on it that says "Warrior. Out of every 100 men, 10 shouldn't even be there, 8 are just targets, and 9 are the real fighters. And we are lucky to have all of them, for they make the battle. But the one, one is a warrior and he will bring the others back"

I feel bad for being naked while listening to that. Not what you think---I just got out of the shower and I'm drying off.

Angle then says Neo made soldiers bleed and made citizens bleed and to make matters worse, he came back and dropped it on his chest and spit on it. He didn't spit on Angle---he spit on soldiers, and he spit on the United States of America.

Jeeeesuuuus, THIS angle again? He calls out Anderson and such and says he'll see him in hell and such. This brings about Neo's music.

Random Commercial-area Thoughts: What sexism exists in this world, where just because I say I'm bisexual and I like wrestling and porn but I hate sports, I get called a 40 year old trucker pretending to be a pretty little girl, and just because I say I think John Morrison and Chris Jericho are the sexiest men in wrestling ever and I would want a sex tape of them "performing" on each other, I get called a lying 40 year old trucker trying to justify my being a girl and yet I get called gay and insane instead? Well I'm proud to admit that I am, indeed and infact, an American, and nothing you liars can say will change that fact! YAY AMERICA!

Speaking of cheap pro-America pops, how awkward for a commercial gap just as The One enters. When we return, Anderson has just got the microphone. He mockingly quivers his lower lip and warbles "I'm very touched, and very-very moved, Kurt" and such, then drops it and is all like "I'm very amaaazed in your abilities, Kurt, not just in the ring, but to suck up to all of these people" and makes kissing noises that go into the realm of rimjob, mocks him for sucking up to the people and such.

He sees the tag as another object to cut him up. And that's what he did---he made him bleed. Sometimes he likes to make people bleed. If he has a problem with that, he offers for him to come up this way and "Git yew sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooome" His words.

Kurt Angle proceeds to do just that, walking up the ramp at him, and Neo gets in battle position, but Angle isn't a retard and beats on him with some ease. But OH NOESZ Neo has taken control and now pounds down on him and such, reopening the wound on his head or something. He then COMPLETELY RIPS OFF MY GIMMICK by saying "Welcome Kurt, to Total Nonstop Anderson"

MOTHERFUCKER STOLE MY GIMMICK! HOORAY, TNA READS MY RECAPS!!!

"... AAAAANDERRRSONNN"

Sadface video package for TNA in total, I guess, featuring sad/heroic music playing to images of TNA. Afterwards, we get Jay Bee interviewing Samoa Joe as he leaves. He does not answer at all. Some van almost fucking runs him down, and he throws his shirt at it and curses. Masked men then throw him into the van and drive off. BUTTRAPE!

Right here and right now, Kevin Nash and Eric Young come out to the ring and Nash is all SERIOUS FACE and staring into the camera. He doesn't remember where or when he is. No, not really. He says he doesn't remember where and when, 17 or 18 years ago, he picked Scott Hall and Sean Waltman to be his friends. He also bought a black suit a few years ago because he knew he'd be putting one of them in the dirt real soon. OH SNAPSZ! SHOOTY DRUG TALK! He's carried their asses on his back for the last time.

So he calls them out, says they should find their way down to the ring to him. He's still standing in a business that chews people and spits them out. They trhen appear in the audience, showing just how useless TNA Security is regarding has-beens. Eric Young slides out to beat up on X-Pac, because bitches shorter than 6'6" gots to step off.

Scott Hall gets in and tosses his toothpick in Nash's face, prompting them to fight, until loads of security flood in to break them apart. Hulk Hogan steps out to stand on the top of the ramp and stare.

Uppers: The promo by Hulk Hogan with Chris Parks and the one with Kurt Angle and Ken Anderson were epic. Both were one goddamn hell of a show. The wrestling wasn't offensive, making this one of the best episodes this year.

Downers: Jeff Jarrett and Chris Parks wrestling at each other. Kazarian randomly appears.

TNA "Creative" Award for "Creativity": TNA'S VERSION OF A "HELL IN A CELL" AND/OR "ELIMINATION CHAMBER" MATCH... ENDS IN A FUCKING DISQUALIFICATION!?

Bonus "Creative" Award for the most "Special" Writing Team in Wrestling Today: Eric Bischoff and Hulk Hogan cannot fire Ric Flair because he was hired before Hogan and Bischoff were. They then proceed to fire Bobby Lashley and Mick Foley, both of whom were hired before Hogan and Bischoff were.

A round of very special applause for the very special writing team. Keep sharp objects away from them.

You've just been Halonic Death Ray'd, and like I say every week, if I'm not back within two or three weeks, consider me dead.

Feedback if you want: phenomynouss@hotmail.com

Andariel Halo is a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. She can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. She translates ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees. Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, Andy once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. Children trust her. She knows the exact location of every dairy item in the supermarket. She has performed covert operations for the CIA. She's in bed every day, but sleeps once a week, OH! The laws of physics do not apply to her. One time, she shot her friend in the back of the head with a BB gun, and placed all blame on him.

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TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).