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TNA IMPACT RANT

by Andariel Halo

February 17, 2011


What's it say about a company that takes it's top prize off a confessed drug dealer and abuser out of fear he'll end up in prison soon, only to put it right the fuck back on him once it's clear he won't do prison time because of a plea deal and a mild level of fame?

THAT IT'S THE GREATEST FUCKING COMPANY IN THE WHOLE WORLD EVER

And what way to follow up that... pay per view event, than to have a recap of the JEFF JARRETT KURT ANGLE feud thing, where a drunk-looking Angle with that big-ass beard he grew overnight losing to Jeff Fucking Jarrett. Will WWE ever take Kurt back now?

At least they avoided the awkwardness of an I'M YOUR PAPI TAKIN YOU AWAY FROM YER MOMMI thing with the kids. Now all he has to do is walk Karen down the aisle, probably steal a kiss from her, beat up Jeff, and continue this painfully dull feud for another 9000 groans and fans tuning out each week. Speaking of which, how low did the ratings drop this week?

Also, Jeff Hardy bitches about wrestling hurt, and they pimp YET ANOTHER Rob Van Dam vs Jeff Hardy match tonight.

Also, what better way to start TNA than to do it THE EXACT WAY THEY'VE STARTED IT EVERY WEEK FOR WHO KNOWS HOW MANY MONTHS NOW; the shit parade! IMMORTAL with Smug Eric Bischoff meander out to sass and lie and bitch and smug so hard, you risk getting an STD. Change? Variety? Total nonstop wrestling? What's that shit? Shit, I bet.

Speaking of which, they introduce the man they call Jeff Harvey---HARDY! THIS MAN Bischoff says IS LIVING PROOF that you can take FOURTUNE out of Immortal, but you cannot take the greatness out of the antichrist. 1) I don't think that's how that Snoclone works, 2) You could call him Shao Khan or Imperator Jeff Hardy and it would make just as much sense as calling him Antichrist, because ABSOLUTELY NOTHING he has ever done or said has been of an anti-Christian or anti-Jesus caliber. Undertaker you ain't, methy.

Here we are once again, LIVING LARGE Bischof fsays, exactly where they should be. Because no one likes people who actually show they're worth the obscene amount of money they're paid. SPeaking of which, SIDE SHOT shows Ric Flair coming in. No one reacts because apparently no one else can see but the TV audience. Bischoff pimps GUNNA and MURPHMURPH and I don't even know who the hell they are anymore. I forgot which is which.

SIDESHOT AGAIN shows Ric Flair wandering around backstage, again to no reaction by anyone, because apparently only we know. Bischoff says he got a phone call from The Network this Monday saying what's Jeff Hardy gonna do now? We need ratings! We know Jeff Hardy is ratings! So he put him up against Rob Van Dam tonight. Zzzzzzzzzzz. He's gonna do everything he can, he's gonna talk to THE NETWORK but obviously he ain't gonna do shit and Harvey--HARDY will end up fighting him tonight.

One moar piece of bidness to deal with now; the only thing that's missing from everything good happening and such is Ric Flair. He says he been calling him for weeks and even reached out to that FIIINE looking attorney he has. Hulk Hogan said Eric, you KNOW what Ric Flair is like, etcetera, and he told Hulk that was then, this is now, this is business, this is Sparta, and he's starting to question where Ric Flair really at, and he gonna give him till next week to come out here and explain himself, and Ric Flair music hits instantly. The OLD kiend; genericized Also Sprach Zarathustra without the FOURTUNE beat to it.

He say The last time someone gave me one opportunity, she said you need to grow up or I'm out of here, and I said you're outta here, and such. These guys grew up on Ric Flair, you grew up on Ric Flair, and you or nobody else tells me what the hell to do and such, and he says we and the Hardys are tight, and we were tight, and after 25 years of hating each other's guts, me and Hogan finally rallied, but when you get out here and question MY integrity, when he's GAAD and such. He says we're all one happy family and I'll bring the family together or I'll separate it, okay? That's the power of being the Nature Boy BY GOD Ric Flair, and on that note, I'll see you later.

VIA SATELLITE ORLANDO FLORIDA Jeff Jarrett and Karen Jarrett are somewhere where it's daylight, and having the fat on their backs smeared around and pushed around. They do what is called Exposition Dump, in which they pretty much say what's gonna happen on March 3rd and such to each other, basically regurgitating what they already know and what anyone watching TNA tonight with any pre-hand knowledge of them would know, so what purpose is this serving? Before I can even finish, it's over.

Random Commercial-area Thoughts: Fear not, heathens, for my fears of turning into Chris Chan have since dissipated.

Backstage, AJ Styles randomly beats up on Matt Hardy backstage, and now NWA GUISE come to rescue Harvey, and Beer Money comes to rescue Joey Styles. Scott Steiner then comes around, and TNA security including AL SNOW AND D'LO BROWN come to break it all up and such. I have to wonder what the point of that segment was.

We get screenshots now from Against All Logic of Kurt Angle crying, and Karen Jarrett biting Jeff's neck.

Backstage, Hernandez catches up with Sarita and Rosita and SPEAK SPANISH! Luckily, I understand Spanish, being half-spic on one side or another. Whatever they said, I missed talking about how I would tell you about it.

Douglas Williams vs Hernandez

Hernando attacks him while he's on the ramp and such. He irish whips him into the steel steps some. Hernandez then puts him int he ring and poses some, then pulls his dirty shirt out of his pocket to wrap around TEH DOUGLASS's face and wrap around his mouth. The camera HELPFULLY moves away to focus on Sarita jibbering some bullshit while WRESTLING OCCURS OUT OF SIGHT, and when we return, he just hangs TEH DOUGLAS on the ropes some, then some wrestling but FUCK THAT NOISE we go to outside where Velvet Sky has predictably ambushed Sarita and is killshitting her, to be predictably killshitted by Rosita, while the match continues with no attention paid to it.

This inevitably brings out Angelina Love to killshit them, whereas in the ring? Who knows? Who cares? No one in TNA, apparently. I'm rather shocked that the Knockouts and their nonsensical bullshit feud takes precedence over a match featuring NON-X Division guys. Mike Tenay says Williams got in ZERO offense, and Hernandez wins with a Border Toss burial crush.

WINNAR: People who want to see Williams fired

Backstage, Eric Bischoff on the phone like PLEASE tell him its Eric Bischoff and I been holding. Finally someone rsponds and he's like HEEYYY HOW THE HELL ARE YA and starts to lie out the ass because clearly whoever he is talking to, bruther, he has zero respect for at all for lying so blatantly like the smug shit he is. Meanwhile, HOW ARE THINGS IN TV LAND? He appreciates him getting the call, but he hopes he can reconsider you putting him in a match against Rob Van Dam with Jeff Hardy and he needs a little time off. Eric Bischoff REALIZES that RATINGS RULE. I wonder if that guy will get shitcanned for the ratings dropping when he INSISTS on this match. I want Cyrus the Virus for this. THE NETWORK SHALL BE PLEASED.

Bischoff then says SON OF A BITCH once he hungs up.

Random Commercial-area Thoughts: I'm very grateful that Kevin Bacon commercial is gone from my TV. Yootoob.

In the ring, there is Pope Blackadictus, with a big-ass pig on a Polynesian-style table with Polynesian-style stuff around it. He says he is the most charismatic, pimptacular, etcetreasd he's so hot not even Satan can stand next to him, Pope that is D'Angelo Dinero. His sayings are too epic for me to keep up with. He says as Spencer, Herbert (OMFG SO SMRT FOAR WRESTLING HE SO AWESOME) its survival of the fittest and what stands here is the fittest, and this here pig laying ont he table is a Sloppy Joe.

He was like a lion in the SERENGETTI and he was on the hunt, on the prowl, and Pope chased down the biggest, the fattest hog in the land until he finally PAAAAAAAAAAAAOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOUNNNNNNNNNNNNNCCCCCEEE-UHHHHH!

He's gonna take us back over 10,000 years ago... to the one y'all call Jesus... HEY, he is the Pope, he is infallible. We live in 10,011 AD, niggers. He say how Jesus fed thousands with a few teeny fish and a few loaves of bread, well Pope is gonna do the same now, feeding all of us with just one Sloppy Joe. Pope gotta tell you that it don't seem like he could perform this miracle, but let me tell you; RONALD REAGAN BELIEVES IN POPE! MICHAEL JACKSON BELIEVES IN POPE!

Uh, hold on, sorry, he got a text message. That was Jesus, apparently. JESUS BELIEVES IN POPE, TOO! IN NOME DE PATRI ET FILII ET SPIRITU SANCTI AMEN! Now who will be first to eat some pig? Oh by the way, it'll cost you $10.

This brings out Samoan music and Sloppy Joe done comes out all angrypants in pants, and Pope is like BRING IT when OMFG KATO appears behind him... and I just said Kato as a joke, but fucking The Taz legit called him Kato. Don't worry, don't blame TNA for this stupid idea, it was totally Samoa Joe's idea, totally. And TOTALLY based on the original one by Bruce Lee, right? TOTALLY not based on the mediocre movie that just came out last month or so, right? RIGHT? AM I NOT MERCIFUL!??!

Joe beats up on Pope a buinch, then Musclebusters him through the table, right through the pig. The roasted pork, not Joe. Joe then puts the apple in Pope's mouth, which he helpfully opens his mouth and noms on to keep in place. How considerate of Pope. Mike Tenay actually says ENJOY THAT POLYNESIAN FEAST! He stole that smrtness from me. Bitch.

Random Commercial-area Thoughts: Don't hate Justin Bieber; admire him. It takes an incredible genius and incredible business acumen (which Dixie Carter clearly has buttfuck nothing of) to sucker so many millions of people into buying his generic trash.

When we return, Robbie E is in the ring bitching at how he was prepared to wrestle TWO DUDES not ONE DUDE at Against All Nods, but it's OKAY because tonight he's got Snooki, he's got his gameface, and he's got his gameplan, and he's gonna be a two-time X Division champion. Backstage, we show Kaz and Traci Brooks kissing. Oh hey, remember her? She's supposed to be a SURPRISE return thing this week or something? The Rock you ain't. And TNA completely fucked with her SURPRISE RETURN thing. Oh TNA, is there nothing you can totally fuck up and make unintentionally AWESOME?

KAZ comes out and says as an OG of the X Division and card-carrying member of FOURTUNE, he made a promise that when he won this belt, he would bring the X Division back to the forefront. Lies lies lies. He says this company was built on the foundation of the X Division stuff. And look at it now; curtain jerking pay per views at the best of times, grateful to even have its wrestlers appear on TV for a humiliating segment where they acknowledge their total burial and total lack of hope to ever be meaningful on TV ever again.

Meanwhile, KAZ tells him to send his troll thing out so they can wrestle one on one. She eventually starts to leave, and now match starts.

Robbie E vs Kazariot

Robbie E hits him from behind and gets him into the corner to stomp on him. Now irish whip and kick him, then a flip thing slam on him. Pin gets 2. Irish whip and a shove down, and pin gets 2. The Taz says you think that wrestling one dude would be easier than wrestling two dudes. Kaz now reverses an irish whip into the corner but Robbie E kicks him in the face, and tries to pin but referee catches him BLATANTLY with his foot on the ropes. Robbie E now stomping on Kaz in the corner, and he hoists him up only for Kaz to land on his feet and punch him up, then irish whip. He catches Kaz's foot, and Kaz kicks him.

He runs some, then springboard back elbows on him. Irish whip attempt is reversed and Robbie does a back drop which is reversed by Kaz who flips out of it, then bops him from behind, when OH NOESZ SNOOKI comes in and smacks Kaz with a big silver bag for disqualification.

WINNAR: Kaz

Robbie E starts punching up on Kaz and calls in Snooki to choke him. Wow, she beats on him for an inordinate amount of time. Guess Traci doesn't really love him. Oh wait, NOW she comes out to beat up on Snooki. Kaz pulls her back some. The Rock this ain't.

Backstage somewhere, Ric Flair arrives iN Beer Money lockerroom and they all hug and such and all like you tore TNA down and such and got Hogan's boys on the phone screaming at Ric Flair. It's goin down tonight, with AJ Styles and wrestling someone tonight or something. Do what. Ric Flair has presents for them all. AAAAHAHAHAH they got iced.

Apparently AJ Styles has a big match so he can't be iced now, so Ric takes it himself to drink himself. AJ has them all chug, Chug, CHUG, CHUG CHUG CHUGCHUGCHUGCHUG and such. Tha's FOURTUNE right there. James Storm chugs the bottle reserved for AJ after he's done with his.

Matt Hardy vs AJ Styles

"cold blooded" Matt Hardy on a mission to take out AJ Styles, and such. Stone Cold this ain't. AJ just rushes in to beat up on Matt, get an irish whip reversed but he rolls off Hardy's fat back, and throws Hardy out of the ring. THen he runs back the ropes and flips over the ropes onto Hardy, and it actually looked painful for Matt. AJ gets into the ring, with Matt already in, and he goes to springboard but Matt pops him one and he falls out of the ring. Matt fatposes and gets boos, then picks up AJ to smack him, and throw him into the ring. He picks up AJ and AJ punches at him, only to get Side Effect-ed.

Matt tries pin gets 2. Now just mounted lazy punches on him. WHOA WAIT RIC FLAIR comes down now. Matt Hardy with some kind of headlock thing on AJ, and Ric Flair at ringside now to yell and slam on the mat. AJ gets to his feet now and punches up on Matt, but Hardy slams his back, then pops him int he eyes. AJ then runs at him, and trips him up to slam him down on the mat on his face. Then a clothesline down on him, a back elbow, and goes foar a Styles Clash but did not get his momentum meter full enough and Matt reverses it.

Matt dives under AJ, trips over AJ, bounces off the ropes and gets dropkicked by him. It was too slippery slick to be a botch. AJ tries for a springboard superhero thing, but Ric... shoves him off. Ooops? Twist of WEIGHT by Matt Harvey and Ric Flair gets in afterwards to help beat up on AJ.

WINNAR: Matt Hardy

Ric Flair beats up on AJ and FOURTUNE comes out to chase them away, obviously. Flair then makes a gesture with his hand indicating their getting iced. Uh oh. He done spiked the Ice.

Backstage, Anderson Anderson meanders through the back, saying SOMEBODY gonna get their asses kicked. Fifty bucks says it'll be him.

Random Commercial-area Thoughts: They still make Brisk?

VIA SATELLITE ORLANDO FLORIDA from some point, we have Jeff Jarrett and Karen Jarrett lounging in a hot tub with strawberries, doing that thing again where they speak about the stuff they already know about for no one's benefit, presumably not knowing a camera is on them given that the cameraguy is apparently hiding behind something. What the hell kind of couple spends ALL DAY just mumbling to one another smuggly about stuff they're gonna do to humiliate someone in two weeks?

Speaking of smugness and humiliation, Mister Kennedy comes out. He gets to the ring and says BISCHOFF I want you right now to grow a set of testicles and GET YOUR ASS OUT HERE RIGHT NOW. What the hell is with this guy and talking about balls? This brings Bischoff out TOTALLY ALONE and such. He goes to smack some woman in the crowd, then gets in the ring where Anderson assheadedly says "GLAD TO SEE YOU COULD GROW A PAIR ERIC" and he says a bunch of guys are telling him that RVD has a match tonight against Jeff Hardy.

Apparently he was under the impression that the champ was first in line RIGHT? First of all, you're not the champion anymore, stupid. Eric Bischoff points this out for him. And as far as the match with RVD, he don't like it any better than you do, it was THE NETWORK, and Anderson says since when does THE NETWORK have to say anything around here? How's TNA revenue doing this past year, by the way?

Bischoff says just give him some space and he'll do what he can. Anderson says NO because he's a retard. Because THE NETWORK makes the rules and writes the checks, THEY get to decide on the match. Anderson says YOU WANT RATINGS? YOU WANT RATINGS? PUT ME IN THE RING! PUT ME IN THE FRICKIN RING! Considering how good he's been for ratings the past few months (ie, not at all), I'd say sit the fuck down, shithead.

Bischoff blames it on the "coarse" language and such, and says maybe you need to "PG" your stuff down a little bit and be a little more "family friendly". Are you serious? Aside from saying "asshole" and being a smug shit, he's probably the least offensive person in this company. If they're trying to demonize the WWE for being "PG" and such... It just... it needs more fighting and fucking and smoking drugs and fat people wiggling around!!!!

Anderson says FINE he'll stop using the word ASSHOLE he'll stop saying ASSHOLE and proceeds to be a fucking douche by saying ASSHOLE over and over again, because it's TOTALLY Bischoff's fault and not THE NETWORK. Before he do anything crazy, her's got an idea; he can't give you a rematch tonight, but he damn sure can put you in the main event; he can make him the special referee. See, on Sunday Jeff Harvey--HARDY proved he was the better man and so until Anderson beats Jeff Hardy one on one, he won't be able to prove any different so if he's gonna take advantage of this opportunity, call it straight down the middle, stand in line, wait your shot, etcetera. Anderson shakes his hand, then attacks Bischoff and does his finisher on him. I guess he ain't getting that title shot?

Backstage somewhere, Velvet Sky is smuggly talking to Winter, BREAST TO BREAST and kind of subtly threatens her, then outright threatens her to stay away from ringside. Fifty bucks says she ain't gonna do that. Velvet turns her back to talk some shit, and Winter picks up a pair of scissors all like a little baby, then Angelina comes and plays the responsible parent... and LITERALLY TALKS DOWN TO HER like she's a little baby. Way to bury her totally. Angelina's like WHAT IS YOUR OBSESSION WITH ME and this is a good question. Winter says you don't understand it yet, but you will. All will be revealed.

Random Commercial-area Thoughts: According to this Sears optical commercial, hot redheads don't REALLY intend to marry ugly guys; they just need glasses!

Backstage, AJ Styles bitches about Ric Flair and Matt Hardy screwing him. This is apparently about AJ Styles and Ric Flair, you want me? I been here for nine years! He got an idea; next week iMPACT You and Me.

The Beautiful People vs Sarita and Rosita

Is the sole purpose of this match just to emphasis the issues with Winter? Because if it is, that would be some kind of epic! I mean, ANY wrestling show can just have regular wrestling, and some kind of freakshow wrestling show can have the wrestling merge fluidly with storytelling, but it takes SOME KIND OF SHOW to completely de-emphasize the importance of the wrestling in order to further a nonsensical storyline that no one really cares about! That is DEDICATION and TRUTHTELLING and TITS!

So the match? I dunno. Some brawling on the outside, then Velvet Sky in with Sarita beating up on her in the corner. Irish whip her and clothesline her on the corner, then running bulldog on her. Now slamming her head on the mat, and she somehow falls off, then catches Sarita in a German Suplex position but Sarita bops out of it, and tags in Rosita, who helpfully has her stupid name on her tights so we know who the hell it is. Velvet Sky somehow tags in Angelina and they double team on her because she is not blonde and white. Pin gets 2 and Sarita ends up falling out of the ring after breaking up the pinfail. Angelina picks up Rosita now in a front slam position, then does a front slam on her. Now Sarita tagged in, instantly into some kind of backbreaky move by ANgelina Love and pin gets 2.

Velvet Sky gets tagged in and she grabs Sarita's tights to pull her back, but she kicks Velvet in the balls, and goes after her to taunt over her for momentum boost. She tags in Rosita, and slams Velvet into the corner, they double irish whip and Sarita irish whips Rosita into it, and Velvet runs into Sarita, catches her in like a bulldog thing, then catches Rosita in a headscissor to drag them both down, to TOTAL CROWD MILDNESS!

Some stuff later, Sarita gets tossed into the ring onto her head, and Velvet makes like to do a move on her but Rosita runs in to stop her, and Angelina runs in to kick her. Referee just gesticulates, to be ignored by them, and Angelina throws Rosita out of the ring... then turns around and stands on the apron ignoring her... SHOCKINGLY Rosita trisp her ass up, then goes to trip up Velvet Sky so Sarita can pinwin with her legs held down by Rosita.

WINNAR: Hispanics

I wonder why Mike Tenay had to emphasize "the ILLEEEGAL victory" Velvet Sky says she's had enough of their NONSENSE! OOH she's really mad now hurrdurr. Velvet Sky says the only way she's managed to win is by cheating every single time. So one on one BRING IT, no cheating, no outside interference, no shenanigans. Sarita completely changes the subject to say does she have any idea how big of a joke she is, how every time they get in the ring, she loses. She then says stuff in Spanish, which I will translate to you, except I don't because I missed it.

Because an actual wrestling match juts isn't WRESTLING enough for a Russo-fied show, we put STIPULATIONSZ on this match; Velvet Sky puts her career on the line.

VIA SATELLITE ORLANDO FLORIDA THE EXACT SAME FUCKING SHIT OF THE TWO OF THEM EXPOSITION DUMPING JUST FOR THE SAKE OF TALKING.

Random Commercial-area Thoughts: Give me a good reason why Jerry Lawler is a BAD choice to face Mike the Miz for the title. No smug whining or snarky bitching, give me a LEGITIMATE reason that is BIG enough to deny him this opportunity. If you say it's because he's old or fat or past his prime, then you automatically declare that Ric Flair didn't deserve that Wrestlemania match against Shawn Michaels. And before you pull that bullshit "JERRY LAWLER IS NO RIC FLAIR" I can pull it right back on you "Mike the Miz is no Shawn Michaels"

Backstage somewhere, Kurt Angle is wandering around and says to the camera guy he's going to go start some shit with Jeff Jarrett or something while getting into his HONEST MAN ALL AMERICAN SEDAN CAR to go and show that him losing the match was truly a blessing, because can you imagine what it would be like to award custody of children to a guy who thinks it's a good idea to constantly harass and assault his ex-wife and her new husband all the time, outside of their work/business? VINTAGE RUSSO! Or maybe just wrestling.

Backstage somewhere, Madison Rayne bickers with Tara, talking about how she wiped out the whole Knockouts lockerroom and now she's getting a little bored, so she went to TNA Management and issued an open challenge to ANY woman in the world who wants to step into her court and attempt to dethrone the queen. Does this mean that whole Isis girl who's 7 feet tall and who all the Knockouts said they would refuse to work with her because she made The Great Khali look competent?

Elsewhere backstage, Scott Steiner says that someone wants a posedown with him. They gonna find out Steiner's favorite pose is his fist down their throat.

Video recap of the Rob Van Dam Jeff Hardy feud thing. Hey, remember Abyss? TNA apparently doesn't.

Backstage now with Jeff Hardy to give a Diet Raven promo where he says tonight the legend ends compliments of the ANTICHRIST.

NOW BACKSTAGE SOMEWHERE JARRETT AND JARRETT AT DINNER TALKING SOME SHIT. They say they've had such a great week, let's toast what's really important... KURT ANGLE WALKING YOU DOWN THE AISLE HO HO HO HO HO HO HO~! It's their third bottle, and apparently the wine isn't an 84 or a 94 or even a 04. She goes to bitching again, and now shot cuts to a chef waiter guy standing there while Jarrett yells at him like THIS FOOD SUCKS DO YOU REALIZE WHO I AM AND WHO THIS PRINCESS IS? Does anyone? DO YOU KNOW WHAT'S HAPPENIN MARCH 3RD?! Nope. I WANT YOURT BOSS OUT HERE RIGHT NOW! Thsi brings outs Kurt Angle in his street clothes but with a white chef shirt on over it. Jarrett and Jarrett just leave, and ANgle says "What, no tip?"

Backstage, Rob Van Dam says he finally got his chance to take care of Jeff Hardy and win his championship belt back. DOOD, Eric Young has YOUR belt. Go beat him up. RATINGS!

Random Commercial-area Thoughts: That Pomegranite commercial Aphrodite is very... skinny, and has a huge fucking forehead.

Despite telling us the main event was NECKST, they start jibbering on something SO VICIOUS AND SICKENING that Spike TV won't allow it shown on TV... recap of the match between BULLY RAY and Devon! Wise call by Spike TV. Speaking of which, BULLY RAY comes out to forced boos all like TIEM AOT at the commentatories. He says to Mike Tenay what he did to Devon's kids was so DESPICABUUUUUU was SO DISGUSTIIIIIIING was so VILE that Spike TV won't show it, is that what you try to say? That's right. BULLY Ray says that is music to his ear, and he has only one regret; that he didn't have another table to put his other kid through. Too fat and lazy to fetch another one without a negro manservant to do it for you?

The Taz finally snaps and is like EY OH you crossed the line (HURRDURR) on Sunday, you crossed the line now, walk away now, just walk away, etcetera. BULLY RAY says I'll do what I want to do, if I want ot smack this old guy in the face right now, I will, and I'll walk away when I wanna walk away. BULLY RAY says he TOLD the kids not to get into the ring, and now they gonna grow up to be weak and a loser like their fathuh.

TNA World Championship
Rob Van "Tam" vs "Cheff" Hardy (C)

Fucking Jeremy Borash. Needs to learn how to speak. The Taz remarks how Hardy's entrance of him bursting through a big sheet of paper is somehow reminiscent to Lady Gaga emerging from an egg this past Sunday at the Grammys... WHICH TAZ DIDN'T SEE CUZ HE WAS COMMENTATING A KICKASS PAY PER VIEW THAT NO ONE SAW! They bicker some and Mike Tenay tells him to go to the Justin Bieber titles next or something... THE SAME JUSTIN BIEBER GOING TO WWE WRESTLEMANIA, A KICKASS PAY PER VIEW THAT EVERYONE WILL SEE! Way to shit all over your own company, stupids.

Faggot is your special referee, by the way, which given his attitude and decision-making, "special" is apt in describing Anderson Anderson. On an unrelated note, when they pimped the match before commercials, showing the pictures of them, Anderson Anderson looked an assload like Eric Cartman. Too lazy to take screenshot. Rob Van Dam starts match by shoving Jeff Hardy into a corner, Jeff lunges at him and gets twisted and flipped. Hardy then frigs out and runs up against the turnbuckle squealing. Anderson Anderson pushes him away, and Rob Van sets Hardy up on the top rope, then gets to the turnbuckle and kicks him. Anderson gets in his face like a shithead smuggly asking ARE YOU OKAY hurrdurr.

Also, JUST BREAKING NOW Ric Flair has accepted AJ Styles' challenge. Jeff Hardy somehow ends up outside the ring and Rob Van front suplays him onto the metal guardrail, then gets on the apron to do his RVD taunt, then corkscrew legdrop onto Hardy's upper body. COMMERCIALS~!

Random Commercial-area Thoughts:

When we return, they are in the ring and Rob Van Dam did a move that got him outside the ring. Now he comes back in to springboard slingshot legdrop onto Hardy and pin gets 2. With Hardy in the corner now, Anderson butts in between the two just to curse. Fuckhead. Rob Van Dam beats Hardy to his feet, then scoops him up into a front slam. Into position for him to splitleg moonsault, but Jeff Harvey--HARDY gets his knees up. Hardy gets up and staggers across the ring, then dropkicks Rob Van Dam into the turnbuckle by his guts, Van Dam falling out of the ring.

Hardy then does a few taunts in the ring to build momentum while Anderson Anderson plays with Rob Van, and gets into the ring with him as Hardy stomps on him. Hardy then catches Rob Van into a front suplex. Pin gets 2. Although it warrants saying Anderson Anderson stalled in order to do some kind of faggoty crawl around the ring to the other side of the two. Hardy chinlock headlocks Rob Van, but Rob Van gets up and reverses an irish whip, but Hardy back elbows him. Hardy tries a Whisper in the Wind, and Rob Van Dam does an ORESUM wiggly-dodge, then instantly standing moonsaults onto him.

Hardy gets up and they brawl some but Rob Van Dam counters him down, and smashes him down to do a Rolling Thunder and pin gets 2. Jeff tries to kick Rob, but he catches his leg, and tosses him aside, then does it again and kicks Hardy in the face. Now Rob Van Dam gets to the top rope, and Hardy lunges up to shove him off the turnbuckle, onto the metal guardrail. Hardy rtolls him into the ring, then climbs slowly to the top of the turnbuckle, and Anderson just sticks his shit-head up against Hardy, and gets bumped away. Kenton Bomb on Rob Van Dam and pin gets 2. Anderson Anderson bes a fuckass with Hardy when Hardy whines. Hardy tries to get Rob Van Dam up but he jawbreakers him, then kicks him down, and then to the top rope for a Five Star Frog Splash with a twist in mid-air.

Pin gets 2 as Cheff Hardy gets his leg on the rope. Rob Van Dam picks him up and Hardy tries to punch him but Rob Van Dam dodges, hugs him, and shoves him into Anderson ANderson in the corner. Because he's a shithead, he glares at Hardy like it's his fault, Hardy kicks Rob Van in the nuts, and then Twist of HATE on Rob Van Dam and Anderson slowly counts to like... four or five.

WINNAR: Jeff Harvey--HARDY

Unsurprisingly, Anderson Anderson does a Mic Check on Jeff Hardy, then somewhat unsurprisingly, he confronts Rob Van after he's all like "wut's all that about" and such, and apparently now bitching about him not seeing him getting ballkicked, so Anderson Mic Checks him.

TNA YAY: The main event match was fun

TNA BOO: Where are they going with the Beautiful People and Winter thing? Is Velvet going to end up losing te match and Winter take her place? Who cares?

TNA WTF: Those non-stop Jarrett family jibberings were not only completely pointless, but boring and pointless and redundant and repetitive and boring and repetitive.

Go play on my fucking Twitter Captain Halo

Feedback if you fucking want: phenomynouss@hotmail.com

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Andariel Halo is a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. She can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. She translates ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees. Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, Andy once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. Children trust her. She knows the exact location of every dairy item in the supermarket. She has performed covert operations for the CIA. She's in bed every day, but sleeps once a week, OH! The laws of physics do not apply to her. One time, she shot her friend in the back of the head with a BB gun, and placed all blame on him.

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TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).