Home | Columns & Rants | Satire | Entertainment | Media | Archives | Forum



Welcome all to MY SHOW! Hence the name: Total Nonstop AndarielHalo. And since you're privy to my bestialities, I bring you the description of just what this show is for this night only, in which taking on the style in which it is filmed one day, then aired another day, I have it be released one day, then release this another day. It's called reciprocative conflagration, and don't look that up.

Now to present the show that makes WCW Nitro look like WCW Nitro, TNA NITRO!

Video package, as per traditional custom, because the idea of opening with a show open and some wrestling after an intro is just so... bushleague. All the big boys waste time with treating the audience like goldfish.

Video episode is "Hulk's Moment of Truth", because Gods know it'll be the first such moment he's ever had.

Because he's so awesome or something, Hulk Hogan comes out introduced as THE IMMORTAL HULK HOGAN. Imagine what the boss has had to deal with; the hatred and mistrust of a cripple! And you were worrying about those two research papers due next week that I have no idea how to even begin starting on one, whilst I put off reading the book for the second one to finish off Chris Jericho's book. Fuck THAT shit, HOGAN has BIGGER troubles, worrying about a guy mistrusting him!

Hogan says he made the right decision coming to TNA, for this place is engaged in a substantial loss of subtle destruction of the foundations. I do believe that's what "Cracka-lackin" means. Because of all the TNA maniacs, the audience has made this place the in-place to be. 1.2 rating. 1.2 rating.

Hogan says a couple of guys are on their way to the outs because tonight the iMPACT Zone is all around the buildings, then says if you need to go to the bathroom you better hold it, because no one's getting in and no one's getting out. Is the iMPACT Zone so bushleague that they don't have pissers inside the building? Or did Hogan forget that the Public Baths are no longer open or functioning since he body slammed Hercules and caused Mt Vesuvius to erupt and bury Pompeii in lava? Don't call me out on shitty jokes, motherfucker---I'm not a joker, I'm a historian. A sexy historian. Swave and awesome.

Oh yeah, I missed Hogan saying stuff which amounted to him threatening that if Scott Hall and X-Pac should somehow avert security guards with guns and sticks, he will lace his yellow and red and beat them up in the ring! That will SURELY send them packing in fear, and not a gun pulled on them. Just as Jericho---he had a gun pulled on him three times in one country.

Speaking of Mexico, here's Eric Young, or as he's better known, "Who?" People chant "Underrated!" to him. Eric Young says he needs to bring Scott Hall and X-Pac in so Kevin Nash can get his revenge or something. Eric Young says he's never been afraid to get his hands dirty. And in typical Hogan fashion, he says "Is it my turn yet?!" and starts talking about how rich he is and such. He says Eric Young and a handful of other guys are the reason he came to TNA---SOMEONE needs to bury the young guys!

So this is how it goes; he gave the nWo their last warning, and they're not getting in this building. Young said out of respect for him he won't do it here. And he says its out of deep respect for Hogan, he will tell him this to his face: If he won't let them in, he'll go to them. Why should Hogan give a shit? He says "You're not gonna do it on my watch, Jack." and essentially says... to do exactly what Eric Young said. To go to them and bust them up. Trust me when I say old people really are like that. "I'm going to the movies," "Oh no you're not, you motherwhoring Irish nigger, you're going to the movies, first!"

Mick Foley approaches a random female and asks if Eric Bischoff is here. She says yes.

Random Commercial-area Thoughts: H

To show that NO ONE can do security better than the Huckster, here arew Scott Hall and Chyna's bitch sneaking around backstage. With a cameraguy on them. Good going, security!

8 Card Studddd
Orlando Jordan (Who?) vs His Holy width="630"e Blackadictus I D'Angelo Dinero w/ Holy Hand Penis

So rather than naming the Elijah Express something spiffy like "Colored Crusade" or "Big Black Cock", they call it the "Dinero Express". No, YOU suck. It's black on black violence to start off as these two start locking up like the very flexible young men they are, likely experience from doing some sort of outdoor activity. Perhaps climbing trees and hurling projectiles at moving targets? Orange Juice takes control of the other guy a bit, and irish whips him after turnbuckle elbowing, but His Holy Darkness armdrags him twice, then elbows him in the face when he tries to come at him, so he does a siganachur move of series of elbows and such.

People enjoy his playing and such, and he begins to punch on the half-fag, then he grabs him like in a Bulldog... then he takes a bump at nothing. Don't bother squealing "BOTCHAMANIA!" at this, because it's all from my point of view. And from my point of view, Dahkness keeled over like he'd been Finger Poked, and the other guy takes control already. People begin chanting "Pope is Pimpin'" right now. Which is totally racist---they can't tell the difference because all blacks look alike to them? Asses. The Pope rises and he starts ljabbing and stuff until His Holy Darkness takes advantage with elbow and punches and an inverted atomic dorp, then a running flying forearm shoulderblock.

Big taunt for momentum, then he chops at him until he gets a full momentum bar. He saves his special for a siganature move, and hits the fag with a move called The Coronation. I looked away and the halffag was in control now. He starts chopping up him, but he nosells that shit like a Hulk Hogan so intense, he's turned brown, chops him up for a quick special bar, then hits the Colored Crusader Cock for a winsauce.

WINNAR: His Holy Darkness Pope bluh bluh dee bloo.

Here be jEff Jarrett awkwardly entering Eric Bischoff's office all like "Hey Eric" and such. After breaking the ice, he wonders if he delivered enough for Bischoff. Bischoff cannot think of a match in the past ten years he enjoyed more, and he was very very impressed with the psychology and such. Mike Awesome vs The Insane Clown Posse!!1111

Jarrett's all like "I think we're makin' sum headway" and such and he starts revealing his true purpose, wanting one of the two sluts open in the 8 Card Spud. Bischoff thinks he is not ready. Bischoff does not think winning 3 matches in one night and being TNA World champion is not starting at the bottom. And Orlando Jordan got an 8 Card Slut shot ahead of him? Affirmitive Action claims another victim! Sadface Jeff Jarrett.

Random Commercial-area Thoughts: US Republicans vehemently oppose healthcare reform by going to Hawaii, which has a reformed healthcare system, and talking about how healthcare reform is bad. Then they blame the Democrats for not caring enough about the shitty economy, while the Republicans go to Hawaii, eat fancy dinners, go to the beach and expensive hotel resorts and such.

It would be a fucking hilarious cartoon if it weren't so painfully real.

Suicide vs Matt Morgan

Suicide kicks on the gigantic redwood labeled Matt Morgan. He dropkicks it, but it's a fucking tree. He catches the Al Qaeda in his branches and tosses him away, then butts him into the turnbuckle to do his bare elbow shit thing, then runs at him to smash him into the turnbuckle, then grabs him to do his lazy drop thing. What ever happened to the Hellevator? So he does his typical five moves of doom, and SAuicide frees himself and takes control with a springboard missile dorpkick but BARELY A ONE COUNT.

He runs at Morgan but gets caught for a chokeslam, but he flips out of it, then dropkicks, but gets Carbonited by the fat man.


Backstage Mick Foley knocks on Hulk Hoogan's office door to see Erich Bischoff and is all like "last week you alluded to having the careers of both Jay Bee and Abyss in the palm of your hand and I want you to know I'm willing to come on board" and etcetera as long as Jayson Bigsbee and Chris are taken care of in TNA and it was tough, and Bischoff is a man of his word or something, and at Against All Brotherhood of Nods, he has something. I missed it. He has an opponent, a veteran, thousands of matches under his belt: Chris Parks vs Mick Foley. Eric Bischoff wonders what are the odds of that. To be fair to him, he DOES not give a shit about the company he works for.

Bischoff says if there's any shenanigans, his mask will come off at the very next iMPACT to show the world what he looks like. Kane he ain't, mutherfucker.

Random Commercial-area Thoughts: Yes I am fully prepared to believe that 1/4th of the American populace is retarded.

Just to show how little energy, creativity, passion, and effort went into that last segment thing, or into my attention, this Mick Foley vs Chris Parks thing is suddenly happening as part of the 8 Card Sponge tournament, replacing the two open spots in the tournament. Two more qualifying wrestling matches tonight? Who needs that shit when you can have TNA ENTERTAINMENT?!

Backstage, Neo is interviewed with Christy Hemme and Kurt Angle and such. His stutter makes him look and sound retarded. Angle is going to have eyes surgically placed in the rear of his head to make sure The One does not betray him, then he will snap his ankle. Out of buttfuck nowhere, a microphone drops from the ceiling, and he randomly screams his name. Who the fuck is this cocksucker? I hate him already. His entire gimmick is just screaming his name. Pokemon.

Random Commercial-area Thoughts:

Kurt Angle comes to say he appreciates Eric Young wanting to stand up for Kevin Nash, but he says as a veteran, this is a fight he won't win. For he is small and Scott Hall is big. For he is young and talented and Scott Hall is a fat drunk and pillhead with politicking powers. He yells at Eric that he's staying here, showing that TNA really does care about it's young talent---they get coddled like children.

TNA X Division Championship
Some Unknown Guy vs TEH DOUG (C)

Oh hey, this unknown guy is The Amazoring Rod, who was the champion. Who knew? He had ZERO TV time for like two months, and Don West randomly disappeared after Homicidfe threatened him. Does anyone remember this shit or am I the only sane person in TNA but not really IN TNA but just watching it?

So TEH DOUG shows that he can tumble onto the ground and politely grab Red's leg like he's Britsh, and Red just killshits him. He then does his typical running about being small and flippy-doo. He tries to attack TEH DOUG on the otuside but he rolls in so he tries a sunset flip but THE DOUG puts his penis in Red's face for a pin but its refversed and Red tries to do the Rey Mysterio bulldog but because's he's a fags, TEH DOUG uses this position to smash the fucking shit out of him on the mat in a spot that was WINSAUCE.

He then puts Red down in a leglock around his neck, then turns around to bounce his knees on the mat with Rod's head still near his penis. Then he puts him in a chinlock, and picks him up but Red fights, so he uppercuts his tiny ass easily. Some stuff happened, and a missile dropkick by the red thing failed to get more than gets 2. He then dorpkicks the British fag's back, and spinkicks him, then pinfails. They do some bnack and forth shit on the Birtish guy's shoulders, then Rod breaks out, and BAMs his head. BUT he's not done yet so he goes to the top turnbuckle and does a frontflip that misses, and the British guy gets up and tosses him into the turnbuckle as he runs at him. Ht then does a rolling German Suplay and winsoresz.


Random Commercial-area Thoughts: I hope they torture that Barefoot Burglar faggot. Nothing pisses me off worse than smug teenage/young adult pieces of shit who think they're so awesome they can break the law, stealing shit or hacking credit cards or spreading viruses, and then cry and run to mommy when the cops catch them and they get 5 months of jailtime or some bullshit.

Video package essentially tells a story of Angelina Love and Tara feuding, then her getting fired for being Canadian, then coming back to restart the feud but then there's the Beautiful People they need to ally to fight against them. This WOULD work if the Beautiful People weren't portrayed as incompetent chickenshitbullshit.

Interview backstage now with the two of them and Angelina all like "I didn't like you" but "The past is the past" and shockingly enough, the Horrible People had to insert their nasal appendages in their economics.

I'm starting to get sick of the Horrible People. Like, as in they're supposed to be sexy and such, but there's a point where they're constantly showing off their supposed sex appeal so much that you're just completely sick of them. Maybe if they were naturally beautiful instead of being the result of a five gallon tank of makeup. And I just plain dislike Angelina Love. I think there's something wrong with her or something---to me, she looks way older than she is, like 10-15 years older.

The Horrible People vs Angelina Love and Tarantula

It starts with Velvet Sky dancing in front of Tarantula, then running out of the ring squealing when Angelina gets tagged. Then she gets back in to punchie on her, snapmares, kicks her back. People chant "You can't wrestle" and she tries to choke Angelina Love with her hair, then tries to rearrange her facial features, but then Angelina gains control of her and smacks her up. Angelina drags Madison Rayne in and smashes her up in the turnbuckle while tagging in Tarantula to sunset flip her. Then a slow armdrag, another slow armdrag, a sloppy kick, and a snap suplex which surprisingly was not a pile of shit.

She keeps beating on Madison Rayne and such, and she regroups with the Horrible People outside to curse a bunch, then the other two baseball slide them. Commercials, then there were none.

When we come back, Madison Rayne is suddenly beating on Tarantula, and taunts Angelina, then tags in Velvet Sky, and all three of them rush in to beat on her while ANgelina distracts the referee like the idiot she is. Velvet steps on Tarantula's hair and pulls on her. EVERYBODY STOP! LACEY VON ERICH DID SOMETHING THAT WASN'T TOTAL SHIT: She moonsaults, lands on her feet, then elbowdrops Tarantula. Wasn't that pointless?

Tarantula tries to tag in Angelina, as for some reason Madison Rayne is legal and tags in Velvet, so Angelina can beat on all the others and spear Velvet and tryt to pin but Lacey Van Dam breaks it up and Madison Rayne climbs on the back of Tarantula, and chokes on her and Angelina kicks Velvet Sky but the referee is distracted and Lacey hits Angelina with the big pink dildo and Velvet Sky winsauces.

WINNAR: The Horrible People

Say, what ever happened to that girl I replaced? Nicole Cooper? I'm assuming she's dead.

Backstage, Failure is afoot as Christy Hemme intarviews Desmoy Fail. He says a famous stupid American said that Loif is loik a box of chocolates. Loif? What is Loif? He says it'smore like a poker game. One of the guys will win and he says it will be him. He says Kurt Mangled, Super Maxipad, and does a really horrible mocking of Neo's screaming. It's like Moby trying to do it while whispering. He says they'll have to work pre''y har' to make it this Sunday. His own words, leaving out the T and D.

Also, MOAR cameraman following Scott Hall and X-Pac. The mere presence of the cameraman there completely and utterly destroys any and all believability of this storyline involving keeping them out of the building, in my opinion.

Random Commercial-area Thoughts: If children are goddamn stupid or poorly raised enough to be lured into sex with an adult online, they probably deserved it.

Desmond Fail ans Hernandez vs Mister Anderson (Welcome Back. Weeee missed you) and Kurt Angle

Hernandez starts by beating up on Ken Kennedy, then using his shirt to toss him across the ring. DISQUALIFICATION. DING DING DING DING DING DING DING DING DING DING.

Match over.

On to something more important...

Oh wait, the referee's retarded and the match is continuing. Now Kurt Angle in to twist up Hernandez and such, then pulls in for to tag Desmoy the Failsauce and he starts doing his same old shit routine of wrist and hand stuff, until Kurtle suplexes hjim and Super Spic gets tagged in and shoulderblocks the cripple. He then picks him up in an Awesome Bomb position, for abackbreaker, and OBLIGATORY SURGICALLY REPAIRED NECK REFERENCE by The Taz.

Desmond Tutu gets in now to beat on Kurtle with some european-y moves like a European uppercut. Kurtle shows him how to do an Ankle Lock, and Failure abounds as he tap tap tapped out, but MISTER ANDERSON THE FUCKING RETARD SDISTRACTS THE FUCKING REFEREE so Failure is allowed to go unpunished. Super Maxipad gets in to beat on Kurtle, then get on the top rope but Kurt grabns him and Belly to Belly suplays him off the torp rope.

Desmond the Wolfe gets in now to be clotheslined repeatedly like the dog he is, then belly to belly suplayed, then Kurtle beats off Neo, and clotheslines Super Tex out of the ring, only for Fag to hammerlock dorp him and pin gets 2. He tries for his failure of a finishar, but gets Angle slammed, Kennedy tags himself in, tosses Angle out, and pins for winsauce.

WINNAR: Kurtl Angle and The One

Random Commercial-area Thoughts:

Samoan Joseph comes out here to not suck a big black cock. He calsl out AJ Styles, and when he comes out, Joe says he disgusts him. This is another problem I have with booking and writing. Just because Joe's a face and AJ's a heel, he has to pull all this stupid shit about saying AJ disgusts him and has no respect for wrestling or whatever, and it makes no fucking sense whatsoever. AJ's done absolutely nothing that Joe says. Joe says "You used to be a champion, you used to be someone who was a warrior every day. You went out there and you gave everything you had to the fans" etcetera. In what way is AJ Styles NOT doing that now as a heel?

Fuck this company.

Ric Flair says AJ is the champion, and everyone has to learn the word respect. AJ Styles then proceeds to rip apart Joe's ass and shoves it up Russo's Anterograde Amnesiatic ass by pointing out Joe's been turncoat more often than him, going from Frontline to MEM, then Nation of Violence when the money ran out, and doing nothing since then, basically. Joe accuses AJ of being gay, saying he got on his knees and kissed the ring of his sugardaddy. AJ rushes in and killshits Joe with Ric Flair.

Random Commercial-area Thoughts: None

BACKSTAGE Eric Bischoff confronts AJ, who is giddy and such, because Eric cannot possibly be a heel or a face, but just an asshole. He fucks with AJ's attempt at leaving to go have an orgy with Ric Flair and forces AJ Styles to suck on Eric Bischoff being special referee at Against All Odds.

NOW AT RINTGSIDE where we get a rundown of the lineup for the PPV.

Then we get a backstage to deal with that red herring, with Kurt Angle confronting Hulk Hogan backstage with Kurtle whining and Hogan saying if he's so hellbent on getting his ass beat, he won't stand in his way. So he goes and opens the door, then tells Kurt to get in the ring because if he knows the nWo the way he do, they'll be in the ring real soon. Well duh, since Hogan opened the door for them.


Now back and Kurt is in the ring indeed. He calls out Scott Hall and X-Pac, and indeed X-Pac comes rushing through the audience, with Scott Hall bumbling behind him. Angle easily shitkicks X-Pac, and Scott Hall eventually makes it to the apron to be knocked on his ass with his leg stuck in the ropes. Now Angle going for the Ankle lock, but OH NOESZ X-Pac reached into his pants and pulled out some hard object---clearly not his penis, HAHA---and starts punchies on Kurtle's face. Scott Hall then takes the brass knuckles that were in X-Pac's pants, and uses them on Angleite.

Suddenly nWo music plays, and Hulk Hogan saunters out all nWo style, so The Taz thinks Kurt was right because Hogan's all like yay and happy and imitating Scott Hall's entrance style and such. He gets into the ring, and I predict he will beat the hell out of Hall and X-Pac. Fifty bucks says he will. Scott Hall gives him the bras sknuckles, and he puts them on, and as predicted, he punchies the fuck out of Scott Hall with them, then...

Oh wow, way to fucking ruin the fucking thing. Hogan literally just puts his hand on X-Pac's head, and X-Pac starts wildly spazzing out, wiggling his arms about and opening his mouth wide, and does this for a solid 3-4 seconds before Hogan hits him.

Rocks fall, everyone dies, except Hulk Hogan, and it suddenly ends.

Uppers: Hell, I dunno. There was wrestling? I, personally, preferred the Youtube videos Andariel put up

Downers: Hogan and X-Pac completely fucking killed that spot with his retard-dance fucking shit. Desmond Fail fails up my screen.


Bonus "Creative" Award for the most "Special" Writing Team in Wrestling Today: Eric Bischoff and Hulk Hogan cannot fire Ric Flair because he was hired before Hogan and Bischoff were. They then proceed to fire Bobby Lashley and Mick Foley, both of whom were hired before Hogan and Bischoff were.

A round of very special applause for the very special writing team. Keep sharp objects away from them.

You've just been Halonic Death Ray'd, and like I say every week, if I'm not back within two or three weeks, consider me dead.

Feedback if you want: phenomynouss@hotmail.com

Andariel Halo is a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. She can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. She translates ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees. Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, Andy once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. Children trust her. She knows the exact location of every dairy item in the supermarket. She has performed covert operations for the CIA. She's in bed every day, but sleeps once a week, OH! The laws of physics do not apply to her. One time, she shot her friend in the back of the head with a BB gun, and placed all blame on him.


Bookmark and Share


November 2006


by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).