TNA IMPACT RANT

by Andariel Halo

February 10, 2011

Finally a chance for an opening story cold-opener~! So today I found out someone I knew was a TNA fan. Willingly. Obviously they've never watched more than two episodes in a row, because they had nothing negative to say about TNA, criticized me for being negative about it, and proceeded to claim I was completely wrong about everything I said about it because I had dozens of wrestling articles, as well as backstage news and interviews that confirmed everything I said, from TNA losing money to lockerroom morale being low and nobody knowing what the hell's going on and what is real and what is a work and the average mid-carder being paid like shit and Dixie Carter being an idiot with no business skills at all and Hogan and Bischoff being con men with more creative control than Dixie, and he was clearly right because he said so.

So I certainly do hope you live long enough to read this, because I KNOW you will now, because I showed you the link to it today, and I will drop a subtle reference that probably only he will get; you are one stupid son of a bitch, yoo wormy cocksug-pimple faced wormy cocksucker you!

This week's episode is brought to me in 10 twelve minute segments so I can better handle the whole "taking 9 hours to watch a 1 hour and 25 minute show" thing. ALso, no commercial thoughts because they take me at least 10 minutes each just to sort through my thoughts to even

Tonight's stupid-ass title is... "Don't Be Roode"... That's too lame to even justify a snarky facepalm.

So, keeping with the theme of TOTAL NONSTOP ACTION that has gone on for some years unending, we start the show with the TOTAL NONSTOP ACTION... OF ERIC BISCHOFF AND HIS GROUP STRUTTING TO THE RING full of smug and loaded with huge paychecks thoroughly undeserved to talk shit and bitch about how things suck yet they're the good guys and all. Bischof says WELL WELL WELL didn't we have an interesting week this past week! Yeah, that whole court decision that was supposed to be decided last week gets arbitrarily pushed back a month, and Hulk Hogan dishes yet another lie by not showing up when he was announced as doing so. THIS IS NOT HOW YOU PROMOTE A SHOW, TNA!

If ANYBODY thinks that Immortal is gonna miss a beat or take a step back, Judas Priest

cuz it isn't gonna happen, he say. And let me tell you WHY it isn't gonna happen, in fact you're LOOKING AT THE REASON WHY it's not gonna happen, allow me to introduce myself; My name is Eric Bischoff. This is not a strange thing to do at all given how TNA treats it's fanbase. And for the last fifteen years, he's been doing nothing but lying, cheating, sleazing his way to the top, then resting there on the merits of his solitary success, ignoring the fact that that success eventually ended up tanking a multi-million dollar company in record time.

I mean, he say he been building stars and building companies and creating brands and changing the very face of the industry that everyone here is here to enjoy, you're welcome. I'm pretty sure he didn't create shit. Bischoff says he's the only man with the brains, with the talent, and with the track record of success. His track record of success is exactly the same as Vince Russo's. And he's not gonna give up the power that it affords him, including each and every one of the men---and women, he says while Matt Hardy gropes Jeff Hardy's shoulder, and the camera doesn't bother to show the woman in question, with the angle making it seem as though it is Eric Bischoff groping Jeff Hardy---and they don't give a shit about FOURTUNE, which just goes to show how justified they were in breaking away or something.

BischOFF says the only reason FOURTUNE was in Immortal was as a favor to Ric Flair, who by the way owes him a phone call pretty friggin quick. I mean, look who we got with AJ Styles, nothing but an inbred hillbilly vanilla midget. Hoooey, best watch yoself, Styles, remember what happened to the last guy they called a "vanilla midget". He's got a similar high-impact style, right?

James Storm? Are you kidding me? He's one beer away from liver failure, he's a drunk! Yeah, and if Bischoff knows the kind of shitheads who AREN'T major draws, it's drunks, right? And then Robert Roode, another example of a Canadian devoid of charisma who will never be a star in this lifetime or anybody else's, because charisma-less Canadians are TOTALLY failures in the wrestling business. And then Kazarian, the Clay Aiken of professional wrestling. I wouldn't know. He promised he was gonna hand the mic over to the ORIGINAL FOUNDER of TNA and the REAL reason they're all here tonight, JEFF JARRETT!

Before he say one single word, he wants FOURTUNE to come out here right now. So they do. Speaking of which, they apparently hold all the titles that Bischoff thought owning would give him ownership of the company. Jarrett says hey BOYS and I mean BOYS why don't y'all grow a set and come face to face to talk like real men. WIthout hesitation, they all come down to talk. Why not? It's just talk.

First off Jarrett wants to apologize to Eric Bischoff for what happened last week. Guys, he want you to look at me, NINE YEARS AGO I gave each and every one of you ungrateful sumbitches the opportunity of a lifetime, they were begging him for a job, and this is how they repay him? Let alone what they did to Mr Bischoff, who WASN'T here nine years ago and is being paid who know how much to do next to nothing for the company.

And then there be the biggest box office attraction this company ever got (0.5 ratings boost) in th form of Hulk Hogan. All four of ya were nothing and yer STILL nothing. Oh AJ don't like what he saying, what you gonna do about it BOY!? And you Kaz, with the million dollar look and ten cent talent!? And what about James Storm, you was begging my dad for a job, and your partner back then was just as worthless as the one you have today.

Roode gets the microphone and screams to SHUT UP and says you wanna talk about opportunities? Let's talk about opportunities! You're damn right you gave us opportunities, but you know what we did? We built your company from the ground up! WE ar ethe heart and the soul of TNA wrestling and deep down inside you KNOW that's the truth, but yet week after week and month after month we walk around the lockerroom and see the "new face" of TNA wrestling, the guy who is overpaid and overpriced, the washed-up hasbeens who came and left, STOP SHOOTING ROODE~! all the while looking over the TRUE talent, the BACKBONE OF YOUR COMPANY. STOP SHOOTING, ROODE~!! They ALL had opportunities to go other places and make more money, but they stayed here because they believe in TNA wrestling.

Well take a look at the four of us cuz we have risen to the top and there's nothing you or any of these morons can do about it. So the way we see it, you don't like me, you don't like Fourtune, why don't you shut your mouth, YOU grow a set, and YOU do something about it, SLAPNUTZ?! Jeff then pops him one, and everyone fights. Nice job bringing in Scott Steiner for buttfuck nothing, I figure.

Speaking of buttfuck, out comes Kurt Angle, The AMazing Crimson, already with a greater push in one month than his "little brother" got in who knows how many years, and Scottle Steiner, they chase away Immortal. Bischoff points to them and makes a throat-cut gesture. Why doesn't he just fire them if they're such a no-talent, no-draw nuisance?

Some segment involving Velvet Sky got cut off. BUT WHO CARES?!

Backstage in ERIC BISCHOFF'S office he wants you to know Hulk Hogan and I have ALWAYS seen you as 100% badass, and camera pan to show Hernandez~! Way to bring him back in a dramatic fashion, TNA. That's sarcasm by the way; it's completely undramatic, anticlimactic, and totally undeserving of someone like him. But WHO CARES?! HUGE HUGE MExican superstar on his own Dixie never gave him asny credit, but now Hogan and Bischoff want to see him at the TOP of the list, flying the jets and be treated like he should, and all he has to do is HURT a few people along the way, essè? He then says we pay you de big money, you make-a de big impact etcetera. SUBTLE RACISM YAY! I don't think Hernandez would fall for such an incredibly obvious sleaze as that. Jesus.

Matt Hardy, BULLY RAY, His Holy Darkness Pope Blackadictus I D'Angelo Dinero vs Brother Devon, Samoa Joe, Rob Van "Tam"

Fucking Jay Bee. Devon and the others run down to start killshitting them immediately, each one going against their respective feudatories. Matt and Rob in the ring now, Joe chases Pope out of the arena, and Devon chokes on BULLY RAY with something. Matt engagin in some very sloppy wrestling with Rob Van. I Swear he just sort of flopped down at Rob Van Dam's spinkick thing. Rob Van with a Rolling Thunder, then tries his backflip shoulder thrust, but Matt Hardy bops him, and tries to go to the top rope but gets kicked off by Rob Van Dam.

Matt Hardy gets a steel chair, and tries tog et in but Rob Van Dam baseball slides him out. Rob Van them slingshots over onto him, and gets hit by the chair as Matt positions it for him. Meanwhile, Devon gets in the ring with BULLY RAY and BULYL RAY bops him on his big black penis, then stands around him and yells at him saying "I'LL GET MY OWN STINKIN TABLE!" Apparently this is a table match that wasn't announced except in idle reference by The Taz. Fucking TNA.

BULLY RAY goes at ringside to yell at random black guys we established last week as Devon's kids, and he say he gonna put their father through a table, and they JUM)P TEH FUCKING GUARDRAIL and go to hold onto BULLY RAY as he's on the apron, and Devon shoves him onto the table.

WINNAR: Devon Deadly, Rob Van Dam, Samoa Joe

That it? Wow. That sucked. BULLY RAY didn't even sell it very well; he just sort of threw himself through the table. Backstage, Jeff Jarrett is READY with Karen Jarrett and CAN'T WAIT till Kurt finds out about this little CLAUSE he put in the contract. Well, nwo that you mentioned it on camera..

When we return, the Jarrettys are in the ring, and Karen asks if we enjoyed seeing the Jarrett Cribs thing last week? No. That was not Totaru Nonstoppuku Ackshon. A lot of fans did not ask them this week Why with their "hectic" schedule of wrestling twice a week would they wanna take on ANOTHER show? The answer is simple; to waste time in helping to fuel a midcard feud that no one really cares about beyond wanting Kurt Angle to killshit Jeff Jarrett. Or else it's because she says we all have terrible marriages and completely dysfunctional families and she feels so sorry for all of you, so she decided they gonna give you an opportunity to see what it's like to be a Jarrett, where there is nothing but love 24/7. Seeing that family last week, I think I'd consider it not much of a step above the love 24/7 offered by Scientology.

Speaking of abuses, out comes Kurt ANgle with his Kurt Angle music and such. Boy he looks shrimpy these days. His arms have shrunk. Security forms a wall, some facing Angle, some facing Jarrett, for ULTRA PROTECTION and Angle smuggly gets up onto the apron and slowly into the ring. Kurt, KURT is this because of YOU? Why all the hostility Kurt? RTemember? Put on our HAPPY FACES! Let's show the kids that Mommy and Daddy Jeff and Daddy Kurt can get along, FOR THE SAKE OF THE KIDS KURT, remember? Be a good boy and put on your happy face. Jesus, they cut away just in time to avoid showing us Kurt Angle holding back a smirk. THat was hilarious.

He says just gimme the damn papers, and Jarrett's like whoa whoa whoa watch your fucking mouth (not really) my kids are at home watching this shit, so fucking shut it, and second off, NOT SO FAST, FUCKFACE! It's like this; at Sega Genesis when they were supposed to have an exhibition, Angle had to make it ugly, so Jarrett had to DESTROY him. So now at Against All Nods, he has nothing left to prove, so he's gonna up the ante; you beat me and you get SOLE CUSTODY of our two kids.

Really? They're gonna pull this shit? Really?

Please help me.

This is just IF Angle beats him. BUT if Jeff beats YOU, this is what gets real good; 21 days from tonight, March 3rd, Fayetteville North Curulahnah, she gonna be renewing her vows with Jeff Jarrett, because wedding events in a wrestling ring are so great, and have such a greattrack record of success, and he wnats Kurt Angle to be there to give the bride away! What's it gonna be Kurt? Real simple.

Please help me.

Kurt just signs it without looking, and leaves. March 3rd is gonna be a MAGICAL NIGHT Jarrett say.

Sarita and Rosita and Tara and Madison Rayne vs The Beautiful People and Winter and Mickie James

Gruh... Winter tries to slide through Angelina Love's legs after Velvet, and ends up tripping her up. Not very sexy. She also interferes with Velvet Sky's entrance thing, forcing them to do it again. MUCH TO HER DISMAY. It starts with Angelina Love and Sarita. Sarita ends up getting pulled into a pinfail by Angelina flipping past her leg. Irish whip into the corner by Sarita, and Angelina catches her in her legs, ad Sarita bops her onto thea rpon, but ANgelina kicks her off, then goes to the top rope for a crossbody and pin gets 2.

Angelina tries to do a run thing, but Rosita trips up Angelina, then pops Angelina in the face with a forearm, and now she gets tagged in, I guess. Sarita hoists her up in an Electric Chair Drop position and drops her onto Angelina frontally. She gets on her and pin gets 2. Rosita tags in Sarita now, and trips up Angelina. Rosita then runs into Sarita to be carried like Rey Mysterio does in SvR09 and dropped onto Angelina. Now they put her in their corner and kick her up.

Rosita then runs at Angelina but ANgelina nosells her dmaage and catches her for a front slam. She tags in Velvet, and then Winter smacks Velvet to tag herself in or something. They yell and Rosita beats up on Venvet, then Sarita slams her down, while Rosita gets to the top and does a moonsault onto her for pinwin, while Winter was... blocking the others from running in to break it up... and then acting shocked that they lost.

WINNAR: Heels, total waste of half the people involved in the match

Mickie James, recognizing that she didn't do shit in the match, gets on the microphone and is like I'm sick of Madison getting me from behind, so let's fight and such.

After commercials, she gets in to be like WHAT MICKIE YOU GOT SOMETHING OT SAY? SHAATAAAP! She says you gonna tell me about all the things you gonna do to me at Against All Odds and such, and if she remembered correctly, Mickie came to TNA to prove she was the top female wrestler in the top female promotion in the world. SHiMMER? Wait.

Madison says she's had a FEW impressive victories, but not against me, so as far as I'm concerned, you can tal the talk to whoever will listen but when it comes to wlaking the walki, you're cripple. Her words: 'you're cripple' And there comes a time when an athlete has to make the decision to hang up the boots and move on. Not for half of TNA's roster! Now Madison is young, and Mickie is like, what, 28? Time to ditch it and get back to porn. Her call; she'll see her at Against All Odds.

Backstage, Jeff Hardy in heavier than usual facepaint says the names of the Blueprint Matt Morgan, the Douchebag Mister Anderson have a match tonight and the winner faces me at Against All Odds in his comfort zone, a ladder match. Wait... Jeff isn't the champion. What the fuck is this? You're supposed to have number one contenders wrestle for a shot at a championship match, not have the championship match to decide who will face the number one contender.

Backstage somewhere, Robert Roode and Kurt Angle are talking stuff, and what if Robert Roode volunteered to take himself out of a match to put Kurt Angle in so he can beat up on Jeff Jarrett or something? It's BS that Kurt has to go through all this, and he did a favor for FOURTUNE last week, he's gonna do you a favor this week; I'm out.

But first... TNA World Championship match, not even in the fucking main event.

TNA World Championship
Matt Morgan vs Anderson (C)

For no real reason, Jeff Hardy comes out dragging a PERSONALIZED JEFF HARDY LADDER! It's just like a normal ladder, but coated in neon paint and designs and such. He sets it up outside and climbs to the top to pose and mumble along the lyrics of his dumb song, then sits to watch. Morgan and Anderson circle around, then Morgan shoves the shithead into the corner, and he gives him a smug stare. Now they face off again, with Anderson hugging Morgan from teh rear, then putting into a HEADLOCK, his signature move. Bounce off the ropes, and he KEEPS THE HEADLOCK ON! TOTAL NONSTOP ACTION! He then gets shoved off, and tries to bop Morgan down, but they hit one another and back away, still standing.

Now they lock up again, and Matt Morgan with a headlock, gets shoved away, and he knocks down Anderson ANderson. Anderson tries a move and gets slammed down, and rolls away as Morgan tries to jump sit on him. Anderson clotheslines, then does some kind of move where he... falls on his back, and Morgan pins him for a one. Now they stand before each other, and Anderson gives a shithead smack to Morgan, and Morgan hits him back.

Irish whip reversed and Morgan gets him into the corner, smashes into him, then sideslams him and pin gets 2. Morgan then pulls him in to clothesline him down, while holding onto his hand. Then he picks him up to do it again. Pin gets 2. Matt Morgan then with the headlock, because... I'mbored. Boring. No one likes fucking headlocks. They're never even effective, either. Anderson Anderson gets up, and they punch each other slowly, until Morgan pops him in the guts with his thigh, irish whip and he misses a clothesline and Anderson Anderson shoulderblocks him a bunch, then a neckbreaker pin gets 2.

Anderson tries for his finishar, but Morgan hit the counter buttons right, and shoves him away, then shoves him into the corner, grabs Anderson's boot to counter his kick, but Anderson uses his other foot to kick him away, then jumps off the top rope onto him and pin gets 2. Now Anderson Anderson gets irish whipped, and Morgan runs at him, but Anderson ducks and Morgan falls over the top rope. Anderson leans over to pick him up but Morgan hugs him and guillotines, and Anderson OH NOESZ goes and knocks over the referee.

OH NOESZ Hernandez arrives to beat up on Matt Morgan. Remember when they were feuding? TNA does. Remember WHY they were feuding? TNA doesn't. I do believe it was Matt Morgan who was crushing people's fucking heads in with Carbon Footprints on the fucking turnbuckle. And now Hernandez is the cheapass who smuggly poses for beating up on Morgan? Anderson Anderson pins Morgan as Morgan is put back in.

WINNAR: Anderson ANderson

Hernandez comes into the ring to beat up on Anderson now, slamming him down and such. He's clearly not the heel here; how can he be when he's stolen my heart? And my car?

When we return, we get a MOMENTS AGO thing showing us what we already saw and such. Backstage somewhere, BULLY RAY says Devon's boys are bastards, sticking their nose in his and Devon's business, and Devon's been weak and he raised two weak sons who now got involved in his business, getting involved in that match. Honestly, BULLY RAY is right; he cheated having his kids break the rules and interfere in the match. BULLY RAY then says Devon and his two bastard kids in a street fight against him handicap.

The Brian Kendrick vs Robbie E vs SUICIDE

Has some idiot decided that Brian Kendrick's gimmick was just too complicated for TNA and so they dumb it down to being a pseudo-zenHinduBuddha guru thing? Also, Robbie E complains now, months later, that he's pissed he got screwewd out of the X title. Is Douglas Williams still the X CHampion? I don't even fucking know. Why is Suicide here and such? I know it's Christopher Daniels again but UHH I MEAN OMG WHO IS SUICIDE NOW?! Robbie E ambushes him from behind and they wrestle really fast, while Brian Kendrick sits there and pretends to guru meditate. It wasn't good when Sonjay Dutt did it, it's not good here.

Suicide gets chucked out of the ring, and Brian Kendrick now gets up to beat up on Robbie E really fast. Suicide gets back in and Brian Kendrick hits Suicide ACCIDENTALLY and ends up on the corner as the other two continue fighting. Robbie E tries to bounce off the ropes for something, but Brian Kendrick stops him, and SUicide double clotheslines them, then clotheslines one, and slams Brian Kendrick onto Robbie E, and slams Brian Kendrick' head into the turnbuckle. Then he turns to front dropkick Robbie E and he falls out of the ring.

Suicide now pulls Brian Kendrick but gets jawbreakered and Brian Kendrick kicks him up a bunch, then jumping enzuigiris him. THen he runs at him in the corner and slams into him, thenr uns but gets kicked in the head by SUicide. Now Suicide going for his "KIDS DO THIS AT HOME" move promoting suicide amongst the kids, but Snooki distracts Suicide, Robbie E shoves him out onto Snooki, and goes to pinwin on Kendrick.

WINNAR: Robbie E

Backstage somewhere, or earlier today, INK INC sell themselves, talking about how they represent the 1% of people who do shit like tattoo their faces with stuff and pierce their eyelids and such stuff, and how they're the good guys. Again? Stagnation; look it up, wussy.

Card rundown of Against All Nods. It doesn't look good, but then when has it ever looked good?

Backstage, Devon is ExCITED that BULLY RAY is pissed off, as he had no business putting his hands on Devon's kids, spitting on them, etcetera. They were minding their business sitting at ringside and BULLY RAY provoked them, so it's his fault they ran in to interfere witht he match. Hey dumbass, remember this?:

Now what? Oh, a match. Fuck.

Jeff Jarrett and Jeff Hardy vs Kurt Angle and AJ Styles

Jay Bee should not be allowed to announce until he learns how to pronounce "J"'s. Commercials. AJ tags in Kurt, and Jeff runs like a pussy and tags in Jeff, then flees outside the ring. Chickenshit Heels are best in moderation. TNA? Moderation? Funny riht there. So Kurt starts with Hardy, and headlock takedowns him, putting him down until Jeff Harvey gets up and throws Kurt away, and Kurt knocks him back, and headlock takedowns him again. Jeff Hardy takes control then, an dstomps Kurt Angle into a corner, because his high flying days are over. Angle irish whips him into the corner, Jeff kicks him away, only to be caught in a Belly to Belly Suplay.

Angle now picks him up in order to European Uppercut him back down, then picks him up and throws him at Jeff Jarrett, and Jarrett flees. Good God, man... come on. This is a bit too much in the Chickenshit Heel sale. Angle drags Hardy to the corner for AJ Styles to tag in, and Styles clotheslines Jeff down and pin gets 2. Slowly picks Jeff up and Jeff fights away, and tags in Jeff Jarrett so he can beat up on AJ Styles. He then mocks Kurt Angle and taunts at him, irish whip on AJ is reversed and Jeff gets slammed down hard, then arm wrench by AJ and AJ tags in Kurt Angle, but Jeff runs away hurrdurrr. TEASE FOR TEH PPV REIGHT?! AM IRIGHT?!?!

Jeff Hardy takes his place to be irish whip reversed, but Jarrett trips up Angle, distracting him, and Hardy clotheslines him pin gets 2. Jeff Hardy smacks him down, then throws Kurt into the corner and starts with generic shoulder blocks. Hardy then kicks him, and snapmares him into a headlock. Angle slowly fights off, and punches Hardy up until Hardy clotheslines him down. Now Jeff wants in hurrdurr, and Hardy tags him in so Jarrett can punch up on him. Jarrett chokes Kurt on the second rope, then jumps on his back for something. Jarrewtt then tries again, but Angle catches his leg, and puts in the Ankle Lock until Hardy comes in to break it up. FUCKING MIKE TENAY says he broke it up ILLEGALLY. Have you never played a wrestling video game? IT'S NOT ILLEGAL.

Angle then pops Jeff Hardy with some fakepunches, then kind of... falls onto his knees. Wut? Hardy drops down to slam him with his fists, then quick suplex and pin gets 2. Now Jarrett wants to be tagged in again hurrdurr. Hardy now with a rear choke on Angle. Then commercials.

When we return, ANgle just now breaks out of the headlock hold, and irish whip reversed and Hardy clotheslines into him flippily. Then he goes to the turnbuckle and does a taunt for SPECIAL full momentum bar, but Angle recovers, gets up and Belly to Back suplays Hardy off the top rope. Angle crawls to AJ to tag him in and Hardy tags in Jarrett. AJ smacks him down a bunch, then catches him in a back drop and pin gets 2. He then pulls Jarrett in for a Styles Clash but he did not get a full momentum bar yet! So Jarrett slides out, but OMFG PELE OUTTA NOWHERE~!!!! and Hardy breaks up the pin attempt, butr oh noesz Kurt Angle German suplexes Hardy down, then stalks Jarrett some. He didn't tag in, by the way; so technically his team lost the match because ANgle is in the ring illegally for a long time.

Jarrett runs away, and chases ANgle, and now ANgle is outside and Jarrett kicks on Kurt while Kurt tries to grab his ankle. AJ FROM NOWAHRE ges a springboard Super Hero choppy and pinwins.

WINNAR: Kurt Angle and AJ Styles

Jarrett suddenly wakes up and kicks both men in tha nuts. Then an Inverted Russian Leg Sweep for AJ Styles, White Russian Leg Sweep for Kurt Angle, and a Stroke for them both, because they're all the same move dur. Jeff Hardy Twist of HATE on AJ Styles and they keep stomping and beating up on the two. ONLY NOW does FOURTUNE and Scott Steiner come out to chase them away and beat off the bad guys, and OH NOESZ Immortal come out to beat up on Immortal some. I mean Fourtune.

Because he has nothing better to do, Rob Van Dam comes down to beat up on the heels who have tkaen the advantage somehow. Matt Hardy stops him by... running at Rob Van Dam, and throwing himself on the ground near Rob Van's leg, and Rob Van sells it fairly. Average. Almost too late, but not really. Jarrett is all like ROODE YOU WANNA GET IN MAH FACE as he beats up on him on the outside.

Because he's got nothing better to do, Anderson Anderson comes out to beat up on the heels some. Can't there ever be an iMPACT that doesn't end with shenanigans or a post-match gangbang beatdown thing?

TNA YAY: Three X guys get TV time for the first time in over 9000 hours, in how many months it's been that they've been relevant to the midcard. TV TIEM~!

TNA BOO: Aside from the X match, every other match sucked badly. Also, EPIPHANY! For no reason at all, I'm suspecting that FOURTUNE will turn on Kurt Angle and Scott Steiner and re-join Immortal, as they'd been playing them from the start or some shit. Then they'll bring in Sting for real and maybe Scott Hall and re-form MEM somehow. It'll still suck, but who cares? TNA don't

TNA WTF: STIPULATIONS! Because no one gives a shit about wrestling, apparently, we have to have Kurt Angle's keeeds on the line this SUnday at the pay per view they didn't bother to pimp until tonight!

Go play on my fucking Twitter Captain Halo

Feedback if you fucking want: phenomynouss@hotmail.com

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Andariel Halo is a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. She can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. She translates ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees. Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, Andy once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. Children trust her. She knows the exact location of every dairy item in the supermarket. She has performed covert operations for the CIA. She's in bed every day, but sleeps once a week, OH! The laws of physics do not apply to her. One time, she shot her friend in the back of the head with a BB gun, and placed all blame on him.