In completely uncustomary TNA style, we open with WRASSLING!
8 Card Studd (wtf with that title)
Brutus Mangey vs The One Billy Gu--- Mister Anderson
Neo wastes time with a long-ass self introduction, including bringing up the 4-sided ring thing and saying if Hulk Hogan claims to be the future or something, then it must be true or something. So the match starts with Anderson punching and such. Do you have any idea what time it is? It is 1:15 in the afternoon and people are trying to sleep, it's way too early to be wrestling. You know, the Anvil's Swagbag guymandudebro told me he NEVER did play-by-play of the matches during his wrestling recaps. That really stuck with me over the weeks, and I've been wondering just how far I can plunge into that. I actually went and looked at some of his old Smackdown recaps. He was right, but damn they were painful and hateful.
How could I possibly do the same when I have such LOVE and RESPECT for TNA?! As easily as simply talking about it.
WINNAR: Thomas Anderson
Oh that's right, I went there. So time for an imaginary interview with the One.
Captain Halo: Mister
Neo, still in ring: WINNER WINNER CHICKEN DINNER... MIIISSSTUUUURRR... ANDERSON!!!
*he walks up to the side of the ring where I wait looking totally smoking hot because this is my fanta--- reality*
Neo: .... Aaaaanduuuursooon...
By the way, that's EXACTLY what he said in real life, so. Make what you will.
Speaking of real life, Mick Foley arrives in a plain and rather old-looking sedan, perhaps to sell that whole image of him being a plain and simple man. Except he earlier said he drove a 2002 minivan, so what gives? Turns out he's just as ass-spankingly rich as the rest of them, just that he collects old average cars!
Random Commercial-area Thoughts: T
Backstage, Kurt Angle being interviewed by a redhead about his match with Tomko. He doesn't care about Tomko because he is Angle. He then claims Hulk Hooogan sent Scott Hall and Scott Waltman against him to attack him from the backside last week. We get a rundown of matches tonight, which leaves almost absolutely no room open for wonder as to who will win. AJ Styles vs The Pope? MIGHTY WHITEY SHALL PREVAIL.
Speaking of Mighty Whitey, here comes Eric Bischoff into the ring looking all old and smug and lying. He says Hogan made it clear he should make upw ith Mick Foley whereas Mick Foley had no interest in that. He says it's a decision that will COST! YOU! DEEARLY! Mick Foley decides to come out then, looking all Cactus Jacky, or as the Jappos would say "Cocktoos Jacku"
Speaking of cocksuckers, it looks like Sean Waltman is in the front row near the ramp. Or someone dressed and looking just like him.
Mick Foley is like he's nice and such and people want him to say things about people like Marcus Bagwell, Paul Heyman, Jim Hellwig (the Warriah, he clarifies), whereas Foley doesn't dislike anybody, but he hates Eric Bischoff's stinky guts. The rest of Bischoff, I assume is alright. He calls him a slick little hustler, the polar opposite of everything he is and everything he believes in. Foley gave everything he believed in etcetera to get into TNA, whereas Eric Bischoff came from the outside, a salesman, the worst announcer of all time. The Taz humorously says "I guess he never heard of Mike Adamle"
Foley can't stand Bischoff, and Bischoff's like "This isn't about you and me, this is about your decision" and his decision is exactly about me and you and hey he loves working here and showing up at the iMPACT! zone and loves being a part of TNA but he's always prepared himself for worst case scenario, so when he was 22 he saved every dime, and when he was WWF Champion he slept in a cot, and he drives a piece of crap minivan---not the one he drove in with, apparently. He also wrote "JB" and "Abyss" on his hand for some reason.
Foley's like the iMPACT! Zone would shut down without Jay Bee, and the fact that Bischoff doesn't know that shows just how little he cares or something of that sort. Bischoff proceeds to show that utter uncaringness by completely changing the subject back to Foley not liking him and that since he's not going to get on the same page with Bischoff. Bischoff says they're both New York Times bestselling authors, whereas Foley says what he wrote about Bischoff in his NUMBER ONE New York Times bestselling book, "Power should be limited to those who are not in love with it" and implies that is what Bischoff is.
For some odd reason, he brings up his wife and something about Bischoff having his way with them or something. It was a bit disturbing. Eric Bischoff then says those names on his hand... look at them again! ALAKAZAM! They have changed! MINDFREAK! Biscvhoff says the new Mick Foley chapter he's writing will start tonight with Mick Foley vs Kevin Nash in a no disqualification match. Bischoff then BREAKS THE FOURTH WALL by mentioning something that happened in TNA a few weeks ago where Foley ambushed Kevin Nash and beat him up when the arena was empty. YOU DON'T TALK ABOUT THE PAST IN TNA, ERIC BISCHOFF! THAT'S HOW YOU LEARN FROM YOUR MISTAKES---THAT IS A BIG OOPSYPANTS IN TNA!
Speaking of big idiots, here be Chris Parks squealing and whining in terror at the television backstage while a smug looking Jay Bee walks up to him all serious-faced. Chris Parks asked him if he's gonna be okay, and Jay Bee's like "Does it sound like you're gonna be okay?" and says he's just here to get his last check. Jay Bee's like he worked for Bischoff ten years ago and nothing's changed, and when you work for him, nothing's okay. Chris Parks freaks out all like "OHMYGOD WHAT AM I GUNNA DO?!" and such.
And Eric Bischoff and Hulk Hogan are supposed to be the faces or something?
Random Commercial-area Thoughts: Coming to you soon in two years. Taylor Lautner IS.... Stretch Armstrong. You WISH I was joking.
PRE-mATCH COMMENTS with TNA KNERKOUT CHAMPIN TARantula. She bitches about Angelina Love the Heel making her life torture, and since the coming of Angelina Love the Face, it's all changed and they're friends and shti again. I hate that. I hope you're ready for Angelina Love, because she's ready for your ass.
TNA World Tag Team Chuampionshit Team 3ED vs BLUEPRINT OF FAILURE Matt Morgan and Spic SIdekick Hernandez
Was it really a month ago that they won the championships? And I think this is like the first or second time I've even seen them in the ring. YAY FOR RUSSO'S 16 MINUTES OF WRESTLING WEEKLY! Buh Buh starts with Hernando, with Fatboy pushing him into the corner. They then lockup again, and HEADLOCK by Bruther, but he gets tossed off, and they both have a contest of the forearms that hilariously reminds me of 1:30 of this:
So yeah. Eventually Buh Buh becomes the Little John, but the fight continues, with fatboy sandwiching Hernandez. And after finishing that sandwich, he catches Hernandez on the top rope to punch at him, then throw him off. He drops an elbow and tries pin gets 2. It forces Hernandez to kick out. Black fatty is tagged in but Hernandez dominates for he is slightly whiter. Matt Morganite comes in and BNruther Devon punchies him up and gets irish whipped by BLUEPRINT OF FAILURE who fails and gets clotheslined by the black guy. BLACK POWER. Blueprint tornado Clotheslines him. It looks better than it sounds. Hernandez now on top of the black guy for some GANGLAND VIOLENCE! PRISON RAPE!
Somehow, SUPER SPIC turns it around and tries to pin but gets 2. Now Devon on the top rope and Hernando about to Superplex him but Devon pretends to bite him and tosses him off, then goes and flying headbutts his gut. The Taz compares his head with a stop sign. Bruther Ray and Morgna now come in to fight, Hernandez randomly comes in to get Samoan Dorpped by him, then a double team neckbreaker thing by the 3Dicles on Morganite, and pin gets 2.
Super Mex tries to beat on them, but htey double shoulderblock him down, then slam him down their 2000-era wazzap thing, but OMFG the STD Boys attack Devon from the turnbuckle, and Bruther Ray stands there looking at them so Super Mex can attack, but he reverses, trying a Rock Bottom, but gets tossed into Morganite's Carbonite Footprint, and frozen stiff for a 3 count.
WINNARS: Blueprint of Mexico
STDs ahoy as the Nasty Boys rush in to beat on them, but OMFG Blueprint of Mexico returns to save their opponents because they're just so nice. Or they are Imperialists seeking to colonize the Team 3D. Bruther Ray is suspect, and now so is Bruther Devon, as the good guys try to be all friendly and such.
Random Commercial-area Thoughts: It's too bad she won't live, but then again who does?
To suddenly bring up the realization that Team 3D used to be heel, here be JESSE FAIL! And to bring up the realization that this man used to be a main eventer not a few weeks ago, here be SAMOAN JOSEPH!
Jesse Fail vs Samoa Joe w/ Hogan-era burial into midcard
Jesse attacks him as soon as he's half-way through the ropes, but he stops that shit with an easy T-bone suplex as Jesse sends him running. Now Joe killshits Jesse. A big-ass enzuigiri on his shoulder or something. Jesse tries some weak punches but Joe stops that shit, but now Jesse Fail grabs his face and rakes it. Now he bashes on Joe's fat back, and runs to forearm him, but Joe still stands. JOE STILL STANDS! Now he gets on the top rope and Joe SHOOTS by casually walking away as Jesse misses. That was the best fucking thing I've seen all week.
Joe starts UNLOADING on his face... with open-hand slaps. He then 300 pound knees him in the turnbuckle, and gets him for a Musclebuster, ONE HANDED, and boosh.
WINNAR: Yusufus of American Samoa
Backstage, Hogan shows his complete and utter disconnect with his own company by saying he doesn't know what Angle said, so Christy tells him. He's all like "Tell him to come to my office, I'm really easy to find"
Random Commercial-area Thoughts: So say we all. SO SAY WE ALL! SOSAYWEALL!SOASATYATWEALL! SOAYTWEALL!@ GODDAMMIT, SCREAM IT YOU BASTARDS.
TNA World Chapmosionship His Holy Darkness Pope Blackadictus I D'Angelo Dinero vs AJ Styles
This starts with wrestling and the like, with AJ putting the black man down against the turnbuckle. And he's Southern. Make of that what you won't. The Black guy quickly gets uppity with a dorp toe hold and arm wrenching, but AJ exerts his superiority by reversing that. Soon the black guy is back on the offensive, dancing rudely like his kind do, then irish whip him and back body dorps him. He then rolls out of the ring, utterly dismayed that such a man would have the daring to do such things.
When we've returned from commercials, the white man has taken his proper place, irish whipping the mud person and dropkicking him hard. Mighty Whitey Ric Flair is pleased. AJ takes up the lower man's lower body and lynches him on the bottom rope. He slowly rises, but the white man shows his PATERNALISM and helps a brother up. But soon he's on top of him again, exerting his dominance and CROSSFACING him and wrenching open his mouth to show his teeth so the audience can actually see him. He proceeds to strangle him again on the ropes like the black man is so used to.
He then snap suplexes him, and pins down on him to show his dominance but it gets only one count. Mad at the audacity of this uppity negro, he punches him up on him, then gets up to take him up with him but the BLACK MAN takes control, reverses the evil white boy's shit and pins to gets 2, to show he's better than AJ and has a bigger penis. MASTER STYLES gets back up and puts a chinlock on the man, but his long black penis gets him to slowly rise to his feet, and elbow AJ away, but AJ slams him down on the MUDDY MUD GROUND like the dog he is. He kicks on him again, curbstomping him like so many neo-Nazi Edward Nortons. He then aims for a huge haymaker but the black man's superior eyesight causes him to counter it.
The Pope's superior speed has him beating on the white man and then Manhattan Drops him, then jumps like all black men can and knees him in the face. A pin gets 2, but don't fret Pope Blackadictus! That's one count more than the white boy ever got on you. MIGHTY WHITEY yells at the Pope from ringisde, and AJ runs to superhero cut but Pope is Pimpin' and Master Styles collapses onto the ropes. The Pope tries to lynch him, but Master Styles moves and the BOY ends up lynching himself on his legs. Master Styles tries to Suplex, but the big sexy black man brings his ass down into a rollup for three.
WINNAR: BLACK POWER
By the way, it was mentioned JUST NOW that this match is nontitle. What arbitrary silliness.
Mighty Whitey is displeased and they start beating on the poor young boy, until MONSTROUS SAVAGE comes down and saves him. Yusuf of Samoa soon gets dominated because the Aryan Race is superior. But then Pope Blackadictus summons his Holy penis to beat on them and save the Samoan until securtiy guards save them.
Random Commercial-area Thoughts: If you thought that match play-by-play was in any way racial or some sort of metaphor for slavery-segregation-civil rights, then you're clearly out of your mind or just a racist trying to seem not-racist and yet sees racism in anything and everything involving blacks and whites. It was just a wrestling match, you ass-fucking God-hating queer faggots.
Returning now where security is still holding back the jungleniggers because they're too stupid to calm down, so Ric Flair wonders if they wanna die and offers to lynch them. Joe gets a microphone, and after deciding it cannot be eaten, he says "Shut your mouth before I stomp the Nature out of your ass" and calls AJ an unrepentant scumbag. He says AJ used to be all these good things, but then gave it up for Ric Flair's overpriced suit and wholesale hookers. That's why at Against All Nods, he's cashing in his Money int he Bank FEAST OR FIRED ! briefcase. REMEMBER THAT? TNA ALMOST FORGOT UNTIL SAMOA JOE CAME IN WITH IT ONE DAY!
He then says that he and Pope should give thema preview of the inevitable, so Pope punches security then they go and try to attack the white men.
BACKSTAGE it's girl on girl nonviolence as Christy Hemme intarviews Angelina Love where she says a bunch of stuff involving being awesome at revenge.
JUST TO REMIND YOU that he still exists, here is Eric Young in Kevin Nash's lockerroom. Then to remind you how GREAT OF AN IDEA it was to brign in Eric Bischoff, he has no idea who he is, is introduced to him, sends him away, then remarks "There's a name I'm not going to remember in the morning"
Remember that time Paul London and Brian Kendrick won the tag team championships in a house show in Africa in 2007 and they made a huge fucking deal out of it in the beginning of the next week's Smackdown? And remember how Big Roid Terry won the Leges championship from Eric Young in a house show in Britain and we've heard buttfuck nothing of it as of yet, despite Eric Young being on screen without it? Yeah, neither does TNA. Random Commercial-area Thoughts: William Shatner singing WWE superstars' entrance music is the best thing in music in years. And I'm shokced that Disco Burge, Asshole, was approving of it!
Backstage is Mick Foley being interviewed by Christy Hemme. Fifty bucks says Chris Parks or Jay Bee will intrude. Mick Foley is reminded of the business with the two, and how he's not really ready for wrestling but he's ready for no disqualification garbage "wrestling" and such. Fifty bucks is mine as Chris Parks barrels in squealing and whimpering, but Mick Foley reassures him and makes him laugh and such. He says that he needs to do him a favor to not interfere in the match no matter what. PROMISE HIM, CHRIS PARKS! He eventually does and wanders off like a child, making Christy Hemme laugh.
THE MONSTER ABYSS, WHO PUT ON NOT ONLY A GREAT BUT A HIGHLY INNOVATIVE MATCH WITH AJ STYLES AT TNA LOCKDOWN 2005, IS REDUCED TO BEING THE BIG LOVEABLE GOOF THAT MAKES GIRLS GIGGLE BUT THAT WON'T SLEEP WITH HIM.
But enough of that funny shtuff, we need to get Kurt Angle up to a threeway match at Against All Brotherhood of Nod with AJ and Samoa!
8 Card Stuff
Kurt Angle vs Tyson Tomko
Angle makes him tap tap tap out.
WINNAR: Kurt Angle
Thoughts: WHAT A FANTASTIC FIVE MINUTE MATCH THAT WAS! AND TOO BAD YOU DIDN'T GET TO PRETEND TO READ ABOUT ANY OF IT!
Random Commercial-area Thoughts: The US President, in his own words:
Another video recap of Hogan before joining TNA in 2010. Then recapping Mick Foley's horrors with Kevin Nash mocking Foley and arranging a meeting with him and THE HULK... LOU FERRIGNO! Culminating in Kevin Nash getting shitkicked by Mick Foley. And somehow Mick Foley is to blame for this? Then stemming to Foley claiming he'll never work for Eric Bischoff.
Then Kevin Nash shows up in Hulk Hogan's office live, and is all like Eric gave him The Rundown (Starring The Rock) on Mick Foley and begs Hogan to give X-Pac and Scott Hall another chance and contract because Eric Bischoff said no. Hogan claims they're acting up like he's never seen before. So obviously he's never seen "One Night in China"
Now we get a video recap of the Horrible People excising Angelina Love and such.
TNA Knockouts Championship
Angelina Love vs Tarantula
Angelina looks like a high class porn star. You know I heard that typically in the realm of pornography and adult entertainment of the sort, the prettier a girl is, the less hardcore stuff she actually has to do. As such, I really hold a high deal of respect and gratitude for a gorgeous young woman who can get away with just topless or nude modeling going all-out with oral, vaginal, anal penetration, and being cummed on and in.
I even have great appreciation for people like Veronica Zemanova, who does nothing more than nude modeling and occasional very-softcore girl on girl stuff, who goes and does one video where she has a guy finger her, then gives him a handjob and titfucks him. She doesn't need to, she's already quite famous and apparently well-off in just nude modeling.
But still, she cockteases. It's also a shame that some of the hardest hardcore girls in pornography are gorgeous in comparison to the "famous" and "popular" ones like... Jasmine St. Clair.
OH MY GOD WHAT THE FUCKING SHIT IS THAT THING?!?!?!?!
But looking down her wikipedia entry, it shows she was involved with ECW. So you can safely say that while ECW did little monetary favors to wrestlers and porn stars, it made them fucking famous. Thank you, Paul Heyman, for your good deeds may yet contribute to making you NOT a complete monster with that 8 million dollar debt ECW went under with.
After match, Tara shakes Angelina's hand, though Angelina looks about to cry. And as expected, The Horrible People rush in to beat on her. Hilariously, Tara is side-long facing them and pretends not to see them. Then, she turns and STARES at them for a good five or six seconds before reacting and saving the hooker. Velvet Sky is in a familiar position now, on hands and knees between Tara and Angelina, but she manages to flee.
Speaking of fleas, it's Scott Hall and X-Pac outside, apparently trying to sneak in to the arena. With the cameraguy on them.
Random Commercial-area Thoughts: And he piled upon the whale's white hump, the sum of all the rage and hate felt by his whole race. If his chest had been a cannon, he would have shot his heart upon it.
Kurt Angle finally finds Hulk Hogan's office, because clearly it has been moving all night. He yells at Hogan the stuff involving the nWo and Hogan says he fired them for being thugs, and Angle has CONSPIRACY THEORIES in his head thinking he hired them back secretly just to beat up on Angle and stuff, then says Angle's temper is blowing him opportunities. Angle says he doesn't trust him as far as he can throw him---because he's break his hip if he got thrown, and sue Angle.
Angle says some stuff about hearing the horror stories about people dealing with Hulk Hogan. Like Mark Madden! The Rush Limbaugh of wrestling? Hogan then tells him to get out and Angle slams his hands on the desk and leaves.
Mick Foley vs Kevin Nash
Nash comes in pushing a shopping cart full of WEAPORNS to use, because. It starts with him using a trash can to block Foley's barbed wire bat strikes. Then he gets a steel chair to use as a shield. Then he grabs a hockey stick to trip up Foley. Then he grabs the barbed wire bat and tries to put it in his face but Foley holds onto it and drops it after knocking him in the noots. Considering this is No disqualification and Foley can't wrestle because he's old and broken, why not just kick Nash repeatedly in the crotch? This realization is followed up immediately by Taz saying "This is no disqualification, you gotta do whatever you gotta do to maim and destroy your opponent"
So instead Foley gets a picture to use against Nash, but then hesitates because it's his ugly-looking caricature of Mick Foley and Chris Parks, so Nash just pins him.
WINNAR: Kevin Nashicles
The nWo then comes out into the ring... and start beating up Kevin Nash, who for some unknown reason is still holding Foley's picture. The Taz really puts this in perspective, saying "Nash has been going to bat for them with Hogan and Bischoff" and they just... randomly beat the shit out of him. This is a great way to not only ensure you never get hired by TNA again, but get arrested for assault and trespassing, then put in a GRUDGE MATCH IN AN ELECTRIFIED REVERSE STEEL CAGE MATCH HANDICAPPED MATCH with Nash vs them two.
Book it, Russo.
Uppers: Samoan Joseph returns from Hogan hell to be useful and not an idiot. TNA remembers people still have Money in the Banks. More wrestling, I guess (though that would be a DOWNER for me)
Downers: Everything else, unless otherwise stated.
TNA "Creative" Award for "Creativity": TNA'S VERSION OF A "HELL IN A CELL" AND/OR "ELIMINATION CHAMBER" MATCH... ENDS IN A FUCKING DISQUALIFICATION!?
Bonus "Creative" Award for the most "Special" Writing Team in Wrestling Today: Eric Bischoff and Hulk Hogan cannot fire Ric Flair because he was hired before Hogan and Bischoff were. They then proceed to fire Bobby Lashley and Mick Foley, both of whom were hired before Hogan and Bischoff were.
A round of very special applause for the very special writing team. Keep sharp objects away from them.
You've just been Halonic Death Ray'd, and like I say every week, if I'm not back within two or three weeks, consider me dead.
Feedback if you want: firstname.lastname@example.org
Andariel Halo is a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. She can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. She translates ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees. Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, Andy once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. Children trust her. She knows the exact location of every dairy item in the supermarket. She has performed covert operations for the CIA. She's in bed every day, but sleeps once a week, OH! The laws of physics do not apply to her. One time, she shot her friend in the back of the head with a BB gun, and placed all blame on him.
THE TWF "MENTAL WELLNESS TEST!"
With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).