TNA IMPACT RANT
February 3, 2011
Today is TNA day for me of watching TNA and suffering for the sins of the week. And to do so, we get a Previously on Grey's Anatomy thing for TNA. This time the video shows MATCHES THAT NEVER HAPPENED with Robert Roode in England talking about STEINER WHERE YOU AT after a match, and a video recap of Steiner's pointless re-hiring. I heard Ric Flair's condition for signing with TNA was that they not hire Scott Steiner on again. HURRDURR. To be honest, though, Ric Flair shouldn't be dictating terms to a fucking wrestling company. TNA actually showed some balls in doing whatever they want regardless of Flair's thoughts on it. Unless they got it on contract, in which case TNA is not only as stupid as everyone thinks, but grossly incompetent and criminal.
Speaking of which, EXPECT THE UNEXPECTED! Which completely eliminates itself as a possibility. If you expect the unexpected, it is no longer unexpected because you are expecting it, regardless of its believability. And that's exactly what TNA wants you to do; accept the ridiculously unbelievable. Like accepting me as the greatest writer int he ever.
So rather than TOTAL NONSTOP ACTION, we go to IMMORTAL in the ring with Smug Bischoff saying we have some bidness to take care of, so let's get down to it. SCOTT STEINER we sent you a special invitation, come on down we gotta take care of some business. People chant "WE WANT FLAIR" and "WE WANT HOGAN" oh hey remember when they said Hulk Hogan was coming back this week? They lied, essè.
SPeaking of lies, remember all those totally unsubtle MEM references dropped in the past few weeks? They lied, essè. Bischoff sayss you and I have known each other for way too long, at least from my point of view, so lez talk about bidness. Lez ignore what has happened and stuff, a lot has happened in the past ten days that he is not happy about, and he found out a couple of hours ago that Dixie Carter and that bribed judge and those slut lawyers managed to get a continuance. One, talking shit about legal officers like that is not a good thing. Two, I sure hope Dixie used TNA money to pay those kayfabe legal fees. Anyway, due to this, Hulk Hogan CANNOT BE HERE TONIGHT. They lied, essè.
But the GOOD NEWSZ is, at least from their point of view, is that despite the fact that Scott Steiner tried to threaten them and shake them by saying THEY are coming. There is no THEY, they aren't coming. You talk about Kevin Nash? OOOO WWE REFERENCE HE DONE WENT TO ROYAL RUMBLE AND LEFT YOU NIGGERS IN THE DUST. He says HE told Kevin Nash to take the money, get the action figure, dye his hair, etcetera. Smug shit. Sting ain't coming back. And Booker, what is he doing anyway and by the way who cares? RACISM! So the ending result is, Scotty, you standing out here surrounded by some of the greatest talent you've never heard of, WE ARE THE RACEHORSES this is the future and rather than being just another follower following in his brother's footsteps, Jeff Jarrett's footsteps, trying to become a member of nWo whatever, bygones be bygones, grab your sac, don't ride coattails; just ride ours.
He also says World Heavyweight Champion even though none of them in the ring are World heavyweight champion. Apparently this is one of his only options and such. Door number one or Door number two. Scott Steiner says how about Door number three. SCOTT STEINER if there are two doors, the only fucking way you're going through Door number three is SHOCK like the SHOCKMASTER
SCOTTMASTER STEINER says the first time he met Eric Bischoff, the first thing he said to himself was "Damn, you're a real piece of shit" and all these years later nothing's changed (WCW iMPACT sure hasn't) YOU THINK YOU KNOW ME YOU THINK YOU KNOW WHO THEY ARE YOU'RE MAKING THE SAME MISTAKE EVERYONE IS, cos if you know me you woulda addressed me "yes sir, no sir" I don't think Scott Steiner grammaticals is conjoining. He says he's more of a man than all these other people in the ring with him combined.
Now HE has a choice to make; either he calls Steiner Yes Sir No Sir, or he's gonna snap his pencil neck.
This brings out Kurt Angle to Kurt Angle's music with THE AMAZING CRIMSON with him, all dressed up Memmy-like. Angle says Scott Steiner is right; you -are- a piece of shit. STOP SHOOTING, ANGLE! He wants to correct Bischof fon one thing; THEY'RE HERE. Bischoff shouts so loud it echoes across the arena "WHO'S HERE?!?!?!?!??!" and ANgle says it's real, and Steiner says it's DAMN real and Angle says "it's DAMN real"
Random Commercial-area Thoughts: THERE HERE HURR
Backstage, Jeff Harvey is a LITTLE CONFUSED MAN (no surprise) at Bischoff, saying Hulk Hogan was supposed to be here and Harvey is SUPPOSERD to get his world title match tonight. Bischoff says he can't control the judges, but we WILL get Hogan back. MONEY WELL SPENT, TNA. Meanwhile they will give Jeff Harvey--HARDY! his title match tonight, but meanwhile WHAR BE FLAIR?!?! Bischoff NEEDS Flair here tonight. I hesitate to ask why.
Speaking of stuff that is uncomfortable, HERE BE THEY! Memmy guys come around to mock and taunt Bischoff and face off with themm, all like THEY'RE HERE! THEY'RE HERE! THEY'RE HERE ERIC and such.
Ink Inc w/ Jobber non-entrance vs Gunna and Murph Murph
I hesitate pass over this match, given that both teams are made up of squishy little jobbers. The two generic guys run into the ring and Inking punch them up. NOW FINALLY TAZ DISTINGUISHES WHO IS WHO as Gunner is the one with the tattoos and beard, and Murphy is the one with no beard and short hair. The other guy whose name I already forgot tosses Shannon Moore out of the ring, and the other guy irish whips Jesse Neal into the other so he can shoulder block him down.
Now Murphy punches up on Neal, and slams Jesse Neal against the neighboring turnbuckle to tag in Gunner and they beat up on Jesse Neal or something. Apparently Gunner is a FORMAR MARINE WHO SERVED IN IRAQ and Murphy PLAYED BASEBALL COLLEGE FOOTBALL STUFF. Murphy with an standing ARMBAR thing on Jesse Neal in the center of the ring. Jesse Neal fighjts up on him, then headbutts, runs and gets kicked down with a BOOT.
I already forgot which one this guy in. He tags in the tattooed guy, and stomps on Jesse Neal some, then the other guy stomps on him. Jesse Neal punches in his gut and they fight. Tattooed guy gets a headlock down on Jesse Neal=, and Shannon Moore smacks on the turnbuckle padding. Jesse Neal turns the headlock into a jawbreaker, and tags in Shannon Mooer and Murphy gets tagged in, and Moore kicks up his legs and punches him up, then irish whip reversed into the corner, boots him in the face, then gets up for a moonsault on him and pin gets 2.
Tattooed guy gets Moore holding him, but the other guy kicks him, and Jesse Neal holds onto him while Shannon Moore jumps on him from the top rope and pinwin.
Backstage, Kurt Angle talking to Scott Steiner and The Amazing Crimson, all like TONIGHT IS THE NIGHT and such and asking Crimson if THEY've touched base yet, not yet. He gets a shell phone call and is all like Are we still good? Okay we're still on. I can't wait to see the look on their faces. HURRDURR It's not Main Event FOURTUNE. I mean Mafia.
Speaking of HURRDURR, up next is a JARRETT Cribs thing. TOTAL NONSTOP ACTION!
EARLIAR TODAY Christy Hemme standing outside the court house, where in true court fashion for unimportant bullshit, a continuance has been extended until March 3rd before the judge will render a decision on the case.
The Taz remarks that tonight we gonna find out WHO THEY IS, WHO IS THEY! Grammar pl0x. Eric Young runs out to the commentator table warbling how he has to get this off his chest, ANGLE IS A CYBORG and he is programmed for the truth. R-Truth. Killings. He said THEY are coming, and THEY are here, and he OVERHEARD a conversation in the back. The same fucking one we just saw already moments ago? He can't tell The Taz who THEY are, because THEY'll kill him and kill him and kill himself and such. The Taz says HE SAW THEY? and Eric says he can't tell you or he'll die, that's why he's telling you off-air. He thinks they're off-air. Honestly, that's not a farfetched thing to think. TNA: WE SUCK.
Speaking of suck, we go to JEFF JARRETT AND KAREN JARRETT's house, showing off a luxurious home that probably explains where all the cookie money went to paying the X Division stars. Or maybe this is from leftover WCW money. The children now appear to be exploited for the camera, with them saying their favorite picture is THAT ONE with AUNT DIXIE in it and Jeff Jarrett says YOU KNOW NEVER TO SAY THAT NAME IN THIS HOUSE and he freaks out and such, and they FORCE the little boy to say sorry to daddy. HOORAY FOR TRAUMATIZING A CHILD!
Speaking of traumtizing, Anderson Anderson backstage says at the top of the hour, he's gonna go out to the ring all alone and he was wondering if Jeff Hardy would do the same, and have a chat in the middle of the ring and such.
Random Commercial-area Thoughts: Why is WWE being so great all of a sudden? Or is it an illusion created by TNA being such a crime against good and bad taste?
Suddenly we're in the ring with His Holy Darkness and BULLY RAY. He says POPE, and Pope says Wut's up, dog, and he says he cannot tell you how good it makes him feel to have a PARTNER that he can depend on. A couple of weeks ago, it felt so good to take Devon's head and slide it in between that steel chair, take my chain, and bash the side of his brains in. Maybe finally Devon will reealize that IIIII WAAASS TEAM3D. And that he was nothing more than my sidekick, my co-star, an absolute nobody who did what I told him to do and got my tables.
Devon, I got a new brutha, I got a new partna, I got a new guy who's bigguh, and badduh, and rougha, and tougha, and BLACKAH, and he's not week like Devon was. You're right, Pope, There IS a God.
Truth me, Pope says, Trust me when Pope tells you that much like when he's been with yo woman, Devon's an afterthought, and you're right there is a God, because Pope was just informed a while ago that Samoa Joe decided his fate with destiny, and went to management that he shall meet with Pope right here in THIS RING... at Against All Nods. Yeah, fuck you audience here today. We coulda met in the parking lot, we coulda met at ringside and talked this over,
But now that Joe has decided on this, he ain't gonna be able to run and escape and Pope is gonna rain down upon you with great vengeance, and ONCE POPE IS DONE WITH YOU, he gonna expose you for what you truly are, and that my friend, is a Sloppy Joe. Lez get this thing goin, daddy, because POPE HAS SPOKEN.
This prompts SAMOAN MUSIC and DEVON AND JOE RUN DOWN THE RAMP ALL ANGRYPANTS and Bully Ray just shoves Devon down, and Joe goes to chase the Pope around, while Bully Ray chokes Devon to death with the chain. NICE ONE, JOE! Meanwhile, a figure in black appears at top of the ramp. OH NOESZ, it's a bearded Asian. They say it's OKADA, like we're supposed to know who the fuck it is. WHO THE FUCK IS OKADA. Fucking idiot Tenay and Taz.
Apparently he's Joe's cameraman guy. And he's got a crazy hat on. For no reason, Bully Ray lets go of the chain, and TURNS AROUND AND TURNS HIS BACK ON DEVON. Facepalm. Devon clotheslines him down when he runs at him, and punches up BULLY RAY. He then throws him out the ring and punches up on BULLY RAY a bunch. Devon then snatches a steel chair from the crowd, and hits BULLY RAY on the back with it outside the ring. Then more punching. Devon keeps punching up on Bully Ray in the audience. Apparently this was supposed to be a sheduled tag match with BULLY RAY and Pope against Devon Dudley and Samoa Joe. ONLY NOW do a bunch of security and referees pull Devon off of Bully Ray. BULLY RAY I mean. Like when you capitalize BAM NEELY for being so ridiculous. Remember BAM NEELY? Exactly.
BULLY RAY somehow gets a drink from somewhere... and throws the drink into the face of two random black guys in the crowd, and runs away. Oh, commentators say it;'s Devon's sons.
Too tired to watch commercials. I just shut my eyes and pretend John Morrison is mounting me. I didn't think he had poor mic skills when he was a heel and on the Dirt Sheet. He just needs to do that again as a Face; be insulting and derogative and arrogant and such. Just because TNA does it doesn't mean it's inherently bad.
Speaking of inherently bad, a RANDOM MATCH featuring NO ENTRANCES FOR ANYONE!
Jeremy Buck vs Jay Lethal vs TEH DOUGLAS Williams
Jeremy Fuck mocks Williams's stupid fist wiggle taunt, then TEH attacks him with some stuff, an irish whip attempt reversed by TEH and he catches Jeremy into a fast suplex and pin gets 2. Jay Lethal broke them up, then grabs hold of Doug and throws him out of the ring. Jeremy Fuck kicks Jay Lethal away, then moonsaults onto Douggle, but Jay Lethal returns to suicide dive onto him. Jay gets him in the ring, then springboard kicks him down and pin gets 2. Lethal picks him up and does a back drop fail which Jeremy flips out of, and jawbreakers him or something.
DOUGLAS bops Jeff Buck, and pin gets 2 on Jay Lethal. On commentary, Max Buck says it's called GENERATION ME, NOT GENERATION US, and it's all about ME, Max Fuck, and he's sure Jeremy feels the same way. HURRDURR break uip of a tag team no one gives a shit about anyway. Why even bother to break them up? TNA SPLOSION, HERE YOU COME!
TEH DOUGLAS beats on Jeremy in the corner, then headbutts Lethal as he steps up to him, and goes to uppercutting the kid, only for him to FIGHT BACK and gets hoved back down with an uppercut. He props Jeremy onto the turnbuckle backwards, and TEH goes to aqttack Lethal, then goes to put him in a back drop, but JEREMY'S SHOES ARE UNTIED Max points out, and he's gonna go and help him. Too fucking late as Lethal gets up and drops the two of them in their backdrop thing. Jayt Lethal then pin gets 2 on TEH DOUGLAS WILLIAMS.
Outside the ring, Max Fuck holds onto Jeremy and helps him up. Also, Mike Tenay mentioned SUICIDE at some point. Aghain? That just goes to show how much TNA fails to care about it's non-old-men people. While Jay Lethal gets caught into a Rolling Kayaws thing, Max Fuck distracts the referee and Jeremy stomps Douggle in the nuts and pinwins him.
WINNAR: THAT GUY
Backstage, Eric Bischoff on the phone, and HE GETS IT HE GETS IT BUT HE NEEDS TO FIND FLAIR! He been calling him for over a week. WHERE THE HELL IS FLAIR! Last time James Storm saw him, he was drinking with him in a pub in London. HURRDURR he got dumped off the tour for demanding an advance. Robert Roode says NOBODY IS THEY, because HE IS THEY. I mean... THERE IS NO THEY hurrdurr. And whoever THEY is, THEY better bring a frickin Beer Money army because Immortal is the strongest faction in TNA. No spoilers nuh uh no sir. Bischoff says AJ pl0x do favor to get the World title. AJ says relax, don't worry abouot that, IT ENDS TONIGHT; FOURTUNE'S NOT TAKING A BACK SEAT TO ANYONE EVER AGAIN. Hurrdurr, secession right to his face with double-meaning and ulterior statements.
Random Commercial-area Thoughts: The only good part of X-Men Origins Wolverine was the flashback thing showing them in the various wars over time.
BACKSTAGE INTARVIEW where Sarita says she has no strategy for her TAPED FIST match with Mickie James. Also, SURPRISE her cousin ROSITA is gonna be here... next week. Then, VIDEO PACKAGE of Jeff Hardy backstage in a Berlin arena, exact same thing from last week or so. He says he's ANTI CHRISTIAN now. Anderson Anderson intarview at ringside, where some shithead shouts I'M AN ASSHOLE, SIGN MY TICKET! Then AGAIn with Hardy walking around backstage, then AGAIN with Anderson at ringside. Then AGAIN Hardy. He says he's still the baddest motherfucker in TNA. I... snort.
Anderson now comes out, and calls out the self-proclaimed anti-Christ to grave them with his presence. I haven't read the Book of Revelations, but I've seen some documentaries about the Anti-Christ, and the one prevailing fact everyone confirmed about the Anti-Christ is that NO ONE FUCKING KNEW HE WAS THE ANTI-CHRIST, THAT IS WHY THEY FOLLOW HIM!
Harvey--HARDY! comes out and such, with a too-tight zippercoat shirt thing. Anderson's says he got a question, a couple questions, first being HOW MANY ASSHOLES WE GOT IN THE BUILDING TONIGHT!? A lot of people boo. Then a lot of people chant WE ARE ASSHOLES. Then he asks HO WMANY CREATURES OF THE NIGHT WE GOT IN THIS BUILDING!? and a buch of people boo and a bunch of females scream. See Cheff, those dicks and creatures represent two kids with the same dream, one happening to be from Cameron, North Carolina, and another FROM GREEEN BAAAY WISCONSIIIIIN, who just so happens to be going to the Super Ball on Sunday.
See he had a dream to hold this, but not this particular; he thinks this belt sucks; but what it represents. Then people said HAHA you? YOU? Not you. You're not big enough, you're not strong enough, you're not fast enough, you're not motivated enough, you're not dedicated enough.
You know, ANderson, someone using the "not big enough/strong enough/fast enough" excuse is indeed bullshit, but usually if they claim you're not MOTIVATED or DEDICATED enough, that's not exactly something that they can bullshit as an excuse, or use as a bullshit excuse to deny you. It means you sucked hard and didn't give a shit enough to do your absolute best. I'm not saying this is true, but if WWE REALLY told you you weren't motivated or dedicated enough, and you did not cry foul, claim it slander/libel, or try to speak out on it, then maybe there's a reason you got shitcanned from WWE and are now a totally unmarketable world champion in the "Second By Default" company of the wrestling world, because your catchphrase is being a self-proclaimed "asshole", which will get you ZERO exposure outside of more mature-rated programming due to FCC regulations, and only because the previous champion is a noted drug addict and confirmed drug dealer felon likely to end up in prison very soon.
And that, my friends I say with my Paul Heyman-y voice, is a shoot.
Back to this thing, Anderson says they're so alike, like we don't tend to do so well with authority figures. LIKE WHEN AUTHORITY FIGURE TELLS YOU NOT TO SELL DRUGS hurrdurr. Well, he doesn't say that, but talks about how he does stuff. Then he talks about guys who talk to him about how to walk to the ring,t alk to the ring, chew gum, doing a BLATANT VINCE MCMAHON PARODY, and how he'd say SIR SIR SIR first of all Supper's hangin', which I do not know what that means, but context clues teaches me, givern that he's thrusting his waist out and indicating his crotch that it involves his penis and/or testicles, which would easily explain Anderson being shitcanned, or one of his many injuries, and SECONDLY you can kiss my ass, which would DEFINITELY explain ANderson being shitcanned, or one of his many injuries.
See every time they been in the ring it's never been about them two, it's been about other people involved, other CHICANERY etcetera. You know Kurt Angle came to him in the back and said you know Anderson I got your back and I got backup and he would prefer to say THanks pal but no Thanks pal, because he would rather be one on one in the ring for these people, Enigma vs Asshead.
Hardy says he talkuh good game, Ken he's confident, he respeck that, and he is the world champion SHUT UP, PLEASE to the people, then Anderson says HE SAID PLEASE and how Hardy wanted to grow up to be a world champion and so did Anderson, and if you think he need Immortal to beat him you are wraong, I don't need anybody to beat yew, and I'll doit tonight. Fuckheads in the crowd chant "PROVE IT" which is exactly what Hardy is going to do, idiots. He then insults his own CREATURES OF THE NIGHT. Why? It's not like they're the ones who hate him.
And, And, And, And, AND may the best man win. They slap hands and Hardy leaves.
SO TONIGHT Mickie James has a tapedfist brawl match with Sarita. She's never been in one before. I don't think anyone has. What the fuck is a "taped fist" match before; almost everyone has fucking taped fists in matches. And it sure as hell isn't a Taipei Death Match. She don't think tonight will be very pretty for Sarita.
Random Commercial-area Thoughts: Ostritches do NOT stick their heads in sand. They are mean beasts who will snap your fucking head off if they had the teeth for it.
MOAR WITH THE JARRETT CRIBS THING! This time they all cookin' and Jarrett Jeff talking about how they instill VALUES with the kids, including a long as hell grace in which they make the kids talk about what they're thankful for, such as HOW HARD DADDY JEFF WORKS and another girl being thankful for BEING A JARRETT, and little Karen that HE'S MY BIG SUNSHINE, and Cody holds up his Jeff Jarrett action figure, AAAAMEN. They don't have a clue what the surprise is for them; TALENT IS EVERYWHERE IN THIS HOUSE! He wants to see some singin' and dancin', and the kid tosses the Jarrett action figure in the air. What the hell is this?
Taped Fist thing
Sarita vs Mickie James
The Taz would not be surprised if Mickie James had a few taped fist matches back on the farm in Virginia. Richmond, Virginia. I'm pretty sure Richmond has no fucking farms that aren't public domain or "pick your own shit" businesses. Fuck's sake, Richmond is a fucking big city. TAIPEI DEATH MATCH not going. This is supposed to be some kind of special thing, but NO FISTS BEING USED by them in the start of this with some wrestling stuff, and Mickie James is caught by Sarita some, and she tries for a Codebreaker on her but Sarita back flips out of it, then runs at her only to be GENERICALLY SHOULDER BLOCKED down. Sarita jumps away, and Mickie smacks her down some. Then some punching on her with the... taped fists. What the fuck is this "taped fist" shit supposed to be? Half the wrestlers in fucking TNA and WWE tape their fucking fists.
Sarita avoids some punches by hiding behind the refereee, then she runs at Mickie to be arm dragged, then JAPANESE arm dragged, then neckbreaker. Apparently, ONLY ANNOUNCED BY THE TAZ NOW, the only way to win is by knockout. Mickie James jumps off the top rope, lands on her feet, and Sarita kicks her out of the ring. Sarita then slingslot onto the apron and Mickie James trips her up and tries to punch her up, but Sarita slips down and Mickie punches on the turnbuckle. SOME GOOD THAT TAPE DOES HURRDURR. Sarita runs at Mickie on the apron, and smacks her barely-covered hand on the ringpost, then gets out to hold her hand and wiggle it some, then smack it on the steel steps.
Why are their fists taped? What's the point of it? Sarita keeps smacking Mickie James's hand against the turnbuckle and stuff, then gets in to do her taunt foar momentum boost! Then she picks up Mickie James by the hand and forces her down, then thrusts her hand on the mat, then knee drops it. Then ANOTHER taunt, BOOSH her momentum bar flashes, and she stomps on Mickie James some, and goes for a... something or other. Generic hammerlock front slam? He then taunts something else, and taunts again and again. YOU CHEAP FUCK! Continuously taunt spamming for momentum boostage! I fucking hate that in Smackdown vs Raw.
Sarita then with a tricep submission thing, and Mickie James tries to flip out of it with a snapmare but Sarita keeps on it, and keeps the lock on her. YOU WIN BY KNOCKOUT, MOTHERFUCKER. Ughhh. Mickie hoists her legs up and drops Sarita with a headscissor thing, then punches her. Sarita catches her in a backdrop suplex thing, then goes to point at her, and the refere does not count. I wonder if they know that the match ends with a knockout. SHe stomps on Mickie James in the corner, then the referee puts her away, and she goes back to be fought opff by Mickie James, who gets to the top rope, shoves her away, then onto the apron to block her, and then slide under Sarita and go to pop her in the face. Mickie James goes to pin, but the referee just calls for the belll like that. I do not think Knockout victory works that way. How terribly awkward.
WINNAR: Mickie James
From behind, Madison Rayne comes out of the crowd in a TNA hoodie and pops Mickie James in the back with her MMA glove thing. Some fat guy in the background mocks her way of waving like a British royal. Fuck Britain and fuck your Queen.
Backstage, Eric Bischoff HEARS what Harvey--HARDY! is saying, but KURT ANGLE and such. After all, he lost the title to Anderson. He says he didn't LOSE to Anderson, he LOST to Bischoff... that somehow Bischoff cost him the match. VINTAGE TNA LOGIC! Straight from the methmouth. He doesn't want anyone from Immortal out there. Bischoff says Oh loud... clear... boss... LULZ
UP NEXT: WHAT IS JEFF JARRETT'S BIG SURPRISE?! Who gives a shit? If you do, fuck you.
Video package for TNA in Europe, where Dixie Carter was on a show featuring a TOP BUSINESSMAN GUY! I can only dream of what questions he'd want to ask the president of the second largest wrestling company in the world by default, and how they've managed to blindly fall into every mistake and stupid decision made by others and repeat them anew, maintain stagnant low ratings for more than half a decade, and absolutely hemorrhage money while spending TENS OF THOUSANDS OF DOLLARS for non-entity "celebrities" to make quick appearances that offer NOTHING to the company in terms of ratings, draws, buys, or mainstream exposure beyond being an afterstatement or being confused with some MMA UFC knock-off.
Now at the JARRETT home, where little Cody has stripped down to his underwear for some reason. Now Jeff's music plays, and they all bounce around waving their fists. Now, WHAT IS THE SURPRISE. YEEEEEEEEEEEES they say in unison in a way that sounds scary, almost computerized. Well they'll have to wait till morning, now get to bed you shits! Karen Jarreett then DELIGHTS NO ONE by saying the kids call him Daddy Jeff, but SHE calls him Big Daddy, and asks you wanna know WHY she calls him Big Daddy? Because he's no-talent loser hack who gets more than he deserves and has to raise a bunch of kids to seduce a woman too good for him? She then tells us she calls him Big Daddy not because he buys her tons of shit with the money TNA doesn't give their talent so they can have health insurance or hotel fees or a living wage, but... apparently because he wants them to renew their vows on iMPACT, because that's TOTALLY not Jimmy King-level trashiness.
Speaking of trash, Ken Anderson coming out foar his match.
TNA World Championship
Anderson Anderson (C) vs Jeff Hardy
Apparently this is gonna be a long-ass match. Fuck. Hardy ambushes him from behind before he can give his faggot self-entrance and Hardy pounds on him a bunch as the referee weakly and tamely tries to stop him. Anderson punches on him, and throws Hardy against the apron and such. Punches exchanged between the two, and Hardy shoves Anderson into the apron again, then slams him against the metal guardrailing and OH NOESZ MOAR REFEREES COME OUT to stand around and meekly point and tug on Hardy and ANderson. They fight regardless. Hardy tugs on Anderson's shirt, and Anderson tugs on Hardy's hair some, and Anderson pulls Hardy back into a Cock-in-a-clutch thing, but the refereees fucking pull him out of it. Why?
Hardy now grabbing Anderson in a headlock thing, but the referees pull him out of it. Why? AL SNOW comes out to help meekly shove at Hardy, and Pat Kenney meekly holds onto Ken Anderson. Obviously, time for COMMERCIALS! I'm going on break.
When we return, they're now int he ring for the opening bell, and they lock up with Anderson putting him ina headlock, then getting shoved away, and he runs at Hardy to clothesline him. Then on the ground for generic punches. Then picks him up for na irish whip reverse, and he jumps onto him and pin gets 2. Now headlock down on him, with generic punches to the head. Then a bounce off the ropes for an elbow dorp. Then for another one, because limited moves. Then he puts his foot on Hardy's head. Then picks Hardy up, irish whip, Hardy clings to the ropes and jumps out, then jumps back in when Anderson tries to go after him.
Hardy catches Anderson on the rope and spinning neckbreakers him half-in the ropes and half inside. Hardy then does a slutty version of his taunt. HEEL VERSION. Now for some generic jumping stomps on Anderson ANderson. He picks Anderson up by his shit head, and irish whip into the corner, and Hardy kcisk him, then kicks some more. Then some more kicking. Then he pops him on the head some, and more popping him on the upper back. Anderson punches HArdy in the guts now, then some to the head as he rises to his feet, runs back to bounce off the ropes and gets caught in a clothesline by Hardy and pin gets 2.
Hardy picks up Anderson for a slow neckbreaker thing, and pin gets 2. Now foar a headlock on Anderson, but he slowly gets up only to fall back down. It's a rear chinlock headlock thing. Headlock. Anderson kept sedentary, like this match, and Hardy lays down comfortably to keep a lock on him and such. Anderson stomps his feet some, then quickly gets up, bops Hardy in the guts, and then bounces off the rope to run at him with a sunset flip pin gets 2. Hardy then clotheslines him, and gives teh finger to the crowd, which OMFG THEY CENSOR HE SO CRAZY. A drop thing on Anderson, then he goes around to pull Anderson to the rope. Mike Tenay says this is a special iMPACT with PAY PER VIEW QUALITY MAIN EVENT. Sure ain't one that'll draw very well.
Anderson gets his leg slammed into the turnbuckle then, and he falls out of the ring, while Hardy does a taunt, then swing dropkicks Anderson from the ropes, and stays in the ring to walk around. Then he casually exits the ring and steps down the stairs, then slams Anderson's head to the steel steps. Then slams him into the other side steps. Then rolls him into the ring. Pin gets 2. For this PAY PER VIEW QUALITY MATCH we get... MORE HEADLOCKS! Isn't Hardy supposed to be like a high flyer or something? Irish whip by Hardy is reversed, and Hardy bounces on the turnbuckle for a WHISPER IN THE WIND on Anderson Anderson. And both men are down. How many other matches were there tonight? Like two? Going back, I see it is three. Four matches tonight. TOTAL NONSTOP ACTION!
Anderson now up for some punches on Hardy, and Hardy punches too. They have one of those YAY BOO exchanges, except no one boos when Hardy does it. Well, not no one, but very few people. More punches and punches and now irish whip by ANderson reversed, and generic shoulderblocks him. Hardy runs at him for a generic back body drop, Anderson skips past him with a spinnign neckbreaker and pin gets 2. Anderson stands around some, and does a mic taunt foar momentum BOOSH and SPECIAL! He uses his special for a Mic Check but OH NOESZ Jeff Hardy hit the two counter buttons at the same time and reversed it. Anderson then kicks Hardy in the head twice, and gets him down. Now try for a suplex which Hardy punches him down from.
Now Hardy does his own lazy front suplex and falls on his ass. Pin gets 2. Little fusterated (Taz's word) is Jeff. HJe tries to take Anderson to his knees, but Anderson gets him on his shoulders, but Hardy slips off and gets shoved into referee JACKSON JAMES and Hardy does a TWIST OF HATE and then waves so... Immortal guys can run down and beat up on Anderson. FOURTUNE arrives seperately because they're TOTALLY not gonna turn on Immortal and end up being THEY. Not even. AJ and Beer Money even high five Matt Hardy! AJ is like get up to Anderson, and bounces around, and they hold Anderson up, and AJ moves like to attack Hardy, but stops, does the faggoty FOURTUNE hand signal at Hardy, and ZOMFG FOURTUNE BEATS UP ON IMMORTAL and AJ glares down AJ while Roode clotheslines Hardy. HOORAY FOR SLAPDASH FEUDATORY!
AJ then Styles Clash on Jewff Hardy, and AJ nudges Ken over to pin Jeff, and the referee is slid in to count it.
WINNAR: Ken Anderson
I'll reserve my judgement there for my TNA WTF column. AJ picks up that shitty little Hardy belt and gives it to Anderson Anderson. BUT DON'T GO AWAY; WE'LL HAVE MORE TALKING SHIT AFTER COMMERCIALS!
When we return, IT'S TIEM FOR AN EXPLANATION FROM AJ STYLES! He does the FOURTUNE thing and is suddenly they're all Face. LOOK WHAT WE'VE GOT HERE he says. I TOLD YOU BISCHOFF THAT AJ STYLES AND FOURTUNE WERE NOT TAKING A BACKSEAT TO ANYONE. You brought this all on yourself; all on your face, all on your head, all on your bed, all on your home, wherever it is that you lay. Wherever it is, THIS IS OUR HOME! WHo did you think we was talking about? Did you think we were talking about... some other MEM guys? HURRDURR!
THEM, THEY is us. Bischoff then comes out like YOU UNGRATEFUL SON OF A BITCH, YOU INBRED HILLBILLY PUNKASS NOTHIN-HAPPENIN, YOU FOUR PEOPLE, YOU FOUR PUNKS, YOU AMOUNTED TO NOTHING BEFORE HULK HOGAN AND ERIC BISCHOFFF GOT HERE, NOTHING! And they still do. YOU'RE NOT WORTH THE CRAP IT WOULD TAKE TO FERTILIZE YOUR GRAVE! Why would you fertilize a grave?
From somewhere, Kurt ANgle and The Amazing Crimson and Scott Steiner get into the ring. AJ asks if U MAD? because they saw through Eric Bischoff's smoke and mirrors, shock and awe, retard-head from Avatar which was unbelievably shitty and racist. YOU PUT A MILLION DOLALR COMPANY OUT OF BUSINESS, ERIC BISCHOFF! Whoa, hey, I'm prett ysure TNA is nowhere near being a million-dollar compan--- OH WAIT HE MEANT WCW STOP SHOOTING STYLES~! He says he's gonna put YOU out of business, and AJ says you came to TNA to try to do the same and it's not gonna happen, and it ALL STARTED when Hogan and Bischoff came here. AJ, it started way before they even gave a shit about TNA.
BISCHOFF and Hogan started spendin money and hiring guys that didn't deserve to be in wrestling in the first place. STOP SHOOTING, AJ!~ People then chant "WE WANT SIX SIDES" and Bischoff says the only reason they're there is because of the hard work THESE GUYS have done putting them there, indicating the non-entities of Matt and Jeff, Rob Terry, and fucking.. Gunner and Murphy. Is that seriously all they have in Immortal now? Who fucking tunes in to watch fucking Rob Terry and Gunner and Murphy and Jeff Jarrett on a wrestling show?
LET ME TELL YA A LITTLE BIT ABOUT TNA he says, and says THESE ARE THE MEN WHO BUILT THIS COMPANY, and Bischoff says MY ASS and says they were nothing until Bischoff and Hogan got here. They were nothing WHEN Hogan and Bischoff got here. And they're still nothing. But on MARCH THIRD, the decision WILL be handed down and Hogan will get control of the company, YOU ADN EVERYONE IN THE RING WITH YOU and such. AJ says how exactly is that gonna happen when Fourtune takes apart Immortal piece by piece, one by one.
AJ... I know Eric Bischoff is a retard when he thinks scoring the high scores on all the arcade machines makes you owner of the arcade, but beating the shit out of the arcade owners does NOT make YOU the owners of the arcade, either. Makes you arrested.
TNA YAY: FACE TURN FOURTUNE got a big pop, bigger than anything else that night.
TNA BOO: Your matches fucking suck. What are you, WWE? How the fuck do you put Jeff Hardy in a match and have him do ONE high-risk high-flying move that he's known for?
TNA WTF: Nash and Booker and Sting said fuck you, so you cover your MEM tracks with FOURTUNE. That's stupid on its own, but what REALLY drove me fucking nuts was Hardy deciding to bring in Immortal BEFORE he fucking beats Anderson Anderson, not only risking disqualification, but risking a reveal of THEY, regardless of whether it was FOURTUNE or not, and ending up with a match non-ending where Anderson remains champion, completely negating the WHOLE PURPOSE FOR THE FUCKING MATCH AND TENSION INVOLVING BISCHOFF AND IMMORTAL
Go play on my fucking Twitter Captain Halo
Feedback if you fucking want: firstname.lastname@example.org
Andariel Halo is a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. She can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. She translates ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees. Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, Andy once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. Children trust her. She knows the exact location of every dairy item in the supermarket. She has performed covert operations for the CIA. She's in bed every day, but sleeps once a week, OH! The laws of physics do not apply to her. One time, she shot her friend in the back of the head with a BB gun, and placed all blame on him.
THE TWF "MENTAL WELLNESS TEST!"
With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).