Vince Russo defends this by saying: He's proud of this because he's too busy having personal problems.
Dammit, Russo, why must you check in to my mind and steal MY excuses for being many days late on my TNA iMPACT! septuple R's? I decided to skip recapping it yesterday (Friday) because I had a Vanilla Coke, Mass Effect 2, Star Trek Online, and Modern Warfare 2 all needing to be played. Also, it was hot in my room and I was too stuffy. And I got a virus which was easily removed, but then had some lingering effects I had to fix over the next few hours. Though that was on Wednesday.
So Ric Flair wants AJ Styles to be the next Ric Flair. Video package of all this and such like from last week. Along with recap of the screwjob they pull on Bret Hart--I mean Kurt Angle, with Earl Hebner--I mean... Earl Hebner ringing the bell early when Shawn Michaels--I mean AJ Styles puts the Sharpshooter--I mean Ankle Lock on Earl Hebner while Bret Hart--I mean Kurt Angle talks about going to WCW--I mean, WWE. Or something like that. Yeah, this company really IS that bushleague.
Now we get people entering to some music that resembles nothing before coming to resemble the nWo music, and it's Eric Bischoff and Hulk Hogan. Nitro ahoy! I sure hope there's only 10 minutes of wrestling tonight, because I'm just going to have a BLAST with all the old old, incredibly old crew here for a totally new and action-packed episode of Monday Nitro on Thursday.
So because Hogan slammed an 800 pound Andre Giant in front of 700,000 people and tore every ligament in his lower body, he does not turn heel with the Vince McMahon thing... or does he? He calls out Mick Foley, who despite being fired is still here with his own music and no security guards following him ready to throw him out if he's a nuisance. Hogan's like "thanks for coming out to visit us, bruther" and says he wants to nip some things in the butt. They're going to work out some Bischoff/Foley issues right here and now. Bischoff says there is no situation; he fixed it by firing Foley.
Hogan says there's been a lot of buttons being pushed. Like the "Eject CPU" and "Eject Creativity Core" buttons! Hogan says they can turn Foley into an asset. Foley? As a draw? That'll put a lot of butts in the seat, I'm sure. Atoy-toy-toy-toy-toy, a fruff-fruff-fruff-fruff-fruff.
Foley then says he didn't attack Bischoff, and Bischoff denies it, whereas Foley says if he attacked him, he wouldn't look like he does---he'd be carried off on a stretcher. Hogan is all like they need to get this under control and they need to work it out or walk out. His music then plays right before Hogan's finished speaking, causing him to pause for a long instance before finishing.
Random Commercial-area Thoughts: Galloping around the cosmos is a game for the young
In odd contradiction to last week's radio bullshit, Bubba the Love Stooge enters with Jeff Jarrett, talkign all friendly and going off to talk with someone without lawyers.
Then backstage, Maria is interviewing Mr Kennedy. Oh shit, wait, I had a WWE flashback, which is kind of a bad thing when you're not watching WWE. It's Christy Hemme and Neo. He bitches at the redhead for calling him "Ken" and not "Mister Anderson". He issues an open challenge to anyone who wants it, guarantees he will make an ass of himself in some way. That's a good way to make a first impression. No, really, who wants to be known as "The guy who came in, did some good, then faded into mediocrity"?
The main event is going to feature him. Somehow. Christy is not amused by his douchebagginations as he screams his name, goes off-camera, then comes back to scream the repetition in her face.
For TNA Against All Odds, there is an 8 Card Studd tournament. Why it's named that, you'll never fucking know.
Desmond McGuinness vs Val Venis
Val's entrance obliged us to have closeups of some of the women in the iMPACT zone tonight. They are... not pretty. Desmond Fail gets failed upon as Val Venis hammerlocks him, only for Fail to Fail it up doing the same. Then he kicks him in the head to change it up. His next FIENDISH move is to... push at his chest. Just push at him. I'd call it a Throat cheap shot thing if it in any way was cheap or even touched his throat, but it didn't. Venis tries to gain some control and irish whip stuff but gets countered. Fail decides to wristlock him, because he plans on making full use of that wrestling coach he paid three thousand dollars and only taught him how to wristlock and armbar before driving off in his pickup truck and never coming back.
Val Venis evenutally gets out of it, and they both get up, for Val Venis to kick at Fail, and punch at him, and kick at him, then try something but Fail FAILS OUT and arm wrenches out of it. Then he tries his thing where he randomly jumps on the second rope turnbuckle just to jump off and run at the other guy. Val Venis stops that shit with VINTAGE VENIS: Clotheslines. Then a pin gets 2 but not really and only one.
He throws Fail at the turnbuckle, but Fail FAILS OUT only to Fail and get Full Nelson slammed. Val Venis goes on the top rope only for Fail to infect him with failure. They've yet to find a cure for that particular disease, so Fail gives a weakass finishar and pins him only once.
WINNAR: The British fag
BACKSTOOGE, Jeff Jarrett comes into Hogan's office and Bischoff is all like "Where's your attorney?" and he's all sadface like "I apologize etcetera" and says he wants to tell face to face to Hoganite that the Outsider in Bubba got Jarrett to see things differently and such. Words like "trust" are thrown around. Hogan says he wants the old Jeff Jarrett. OLD, GET IT? BECAUSE HE'S OLD AND ALL HIS FRIENDS AND IDEAS ARE OLD AND THIS SHOW IS OLD AND FULL OF OLD PEOPLE AND SUCH! Hogan is like they need him or something for some reason.
Bischoff breaks it up as he has an idea; Jarrett wrassles Keanu Anderson. Jarrett gonan go get ready cos he's old and needs all night to get ready. Unlike the young guys who had to suddenly adjust their wrestling to go from six sided ring to four sided ring that last PPV because TNA was too bushleague to bother to warn the guys beforehand.
VIDEO RECAP of the Montreal Screwjob cosplay from last week. Then we go backstage to Ric Flair holding AJ's championship while AJ stands around trying to pick from identical-looking boring suits, while some random blonde be's their whore and offers some of her friends to be whored out to him. AJ picks all the suits, clearly intending to wear all of them at once, and declaring they're going on vacation. woo.
Christopher Daniels vs Hernandez
Christopher attacks from behind, slamming Hernandez up and elbowing him and such. Beatings on the turnbuckle, or as I call it, the Upsidedown Tree of Woe. Hernando gains control and such, then lifts up AJ in a stalling suplay. I said AJ, but I meant the other AJ guy. Then he slams him down. Now they run and Christoph Sunset Flips, and stays on his back in perfect face-fuck position, just so Hernandez can mock him, then lift him up cuz he ain't gay he don't play that way. Christoph, annoyed, tears at Hernandez's eyes with his painted nails or whatever. He then starts wrenching his arm.
Hernandez breaks out and such, but Christopher STO's him, then tries to go for a Pedigree or something but Hernandez breaks out, so Daniels Daniels knees him and he falls out of the ring somehow. It was as sudden as it sounds. Super Spic springboard shoulderblocks him and such, then irish whips him and back body dorps him, then makes a Mejicano sandwich of him on the turnbuckle.
Haernandez tries to attack but Daniels Daniels dodges, and beats on him on the turnbuckl but Hernandez kicks him away and backflips onto the turnbuckle, just so Daniels can beat him, then get on top for a superplay, but gets shoved off by Super Spic. He tries to fly, but Christopher rolls away, then tries to roll him up and pins gets 2. He then picks him up and decides to play Patty Cake with Hernandez's tits. That fails with a shoulderblock, a big-ass slam of somesort, and a pin.
Thoughts: A great many of Christopher Daniels' actions in that match only further the evidence that he's gay. Not that there's anything wrong with that.
Random Commercial-area Thoughts: That Shelby from "Ax Men" sounds exactly like Unknown Hinson when he says "Here we go!"
To contribute further to the horrors of a post-9/11 world, here be Mike Tenay to bring the Nasty Boys and the Dudley Boys to the ring to "mediate"! Right now I could be contributing to society. Why am I watching these fat relics?
The Dudley Boy Bruther Ray gets a microphone to trash talk the morbidly obese duo while they stand at the bottom of the ramp, while security tries to hold back one of the obese guys. They wonder where the hell they've been for the past ten years, then he just dives into security to get pulled away, while the fat boy says "we've been nasty, we were born nasty, bluh bluh dee nasty bluh" and Devon says "That's real cute, but while you've been sitting on your fat asses for the past ten years, let me tell you what my brother and I have been doing. We have been winning world tag team titles" and such, and they namedrop ECW so a cluster of fagwads can chant ECW. He says WWE to complete silence, then a bunch of Japanese things, and TNA to a TNA chant.
The Nasty Boys decide to counter The Dudley Boys' argument by listing a whole bunch of legendary tag teams that have felt the wrath of the Nasty Boys. And yet they're STILL world famous among wrestling, and these guys are fat pieces of shit. A bunch of stuff, and Bruther Ray says everyone wants to see the Team 3D and the Nasty Boys wrestle each other. I want to meet this one person and know who the hell they are and what the hell is wrong with them for saying that.
Backstage is the Horrible People and Christy Hemme for an intarview thing. Her one question is: How do you feel about Angelina Love? Wow, thanks for the whole attention on their match and such. Bitch. Velvet decides to humor her dumb ass with an answer, saying things like she wasn't cut out for it or something. Moron says "she's so 2009" which is actually what people think of you, too, cunt. Or something. Lacey decides to be an even bigger moron, as they say the TNA Knockout tag team championships deserve to be right here, and makes the motion of a belt, and Lacey asks "In our bellies?"
Book that fucking shit.
Random Commercial-area Thoughts:
Backstage, Bobby Lashley AGAIN backstage with Eric Bischoff. What a huge backfire that sudden heel-turn thing was. Also, Bischoff fired him. Yes. And a shitload of security guards drag him away. Bischoff then calls him trash, likely because he is a negro. Fellow negro Taz says "kudos to Eric Bischoff" for he is a race traitor. Black Power, man, wtf?
The Horrible People vs Hamada and Awesome Kong and Tara
Note; the reason I rarely put whether a match is non-title or not is because THEY NEVER FUCKING TELL US. In fact, I only realized it when Tara came out. Madison Rayne proves to be incredibly retarded as she faces off with Hamada, makes a move at her to make her flinch, then TURN AWAY FROM HER to make faces at Kong or Tara and wiggle her fingers. ALL WHILE HAMADA WAS NOT EVEN FUCKING TOUCHED BUT JUST FLINCHED. Needless to say, Hamada kills the fucking shit out of her. Hama does an Undertaker walk on the ropes, but with a flip. Madison Rayne's sole offense is to reverse an armwrench and tag in someone who is marginally better.
Said wad of fuckmeat then tags in the newer one, who then tags in the retard again. Really pointless, lest you want these bits of fuckmeat to earn a paycheck, since you can't rape or whore them out. Womens have rights, you know. Just don't let Mark Madden hear about that. Tara gets tagged in, killshits the retard, and standing moonsaults her. She gets kicked in the back by Velvet Sky, and clotheslined by Madison Rayne who tags in Velvet Sky, who slams her into the turnbuckle shoulderblock then choking her.
Velvet distracts the referee so the other two can eff with Tara. MEANWHILE MIKE TENAY LETS US KNOW THAT HULK HOGAN HAS SUMMONED EARL FUCKING HEBNER, and The Taz says he will have some explaining to do. I get the feeling Hogan has no idea how the Montreal Screwjob happened.
Oh yeah, and Hamada ended up inside and kicks all the Horrible People. Tara then gets in to scoop slam Madison, so Hamada can moonsault on her, and pins but the Referee is distracted by Tara being an idiot and effing with Velvet. Awesome Kung chases Velvet out of the ring, and Madison pinfalls Hamada.
WINNAR: Blonde bags of rapeables
They decide to beat on Tara after the match, because we clearly haven't gotten enough of that annoying bell ringing for no reason. Angelina Love runs out to beat them up. NOW TIME FOR EARL FUCKING HEBNER.
Hulk Hogan is all like all the boys are talking about Earl Hebber ringing the bell and Hogan's like "Why?" and Hebner is like when AJ went over and Angle hit the mat with his hand, you know, so he doesn't fall on hsi fucking face, and that counts as a tap out. HULK FUCKING HOGAN then proceeds to lecture Earl Hebner on how submission holds work. HULK FUCKING HOGAN.
Earl Hebner then freaks and says "YOU KNOW WHAT? BRET DIDNT SCREW BRET, VINCE DIDNT SCREW BRET" etcetera, and says HE screwed Bret, adn HE screwed Angle for the money, because Flair offered him loads of money. Hogan then suspends him. I get the serious feeling that Hogan and/or whoever wrote this shit, has NOOO FUCKING IDEA how the Screwjob went down.
Random Commercial-area Thoughts:
Backstage, Ric Flair has a stroke and AJ freaks out at the prospect of an orgy with a bunch of sluts. Ric recovers enough to say he's the Nature Boy Ric Flair, and AJ squeals a bunch, and Ric goes "woo" a lot.
Also backstage, Mick Foley wandering around while Bubba the Love Stooge is all like "buddy" and such. Foley thinks it's entirely likely that Eric Bischoff and him will come otu of this meeting with a much deeper understanding. He says he drives a 2002 minivan, owes no one a dime, etcetera. Glass half-full. Yes it WAS like that.
Kurt Angle comes down to the ring. He says to AJ Styles, his match at Yenesis he will never forget, greatest match of his life (lie) and that's why he's confused, disappointed, and pissed off. Because things that good don't belong in TNA, right? RIGHT?! Angle's all like it was a match he could've told his grandchildren about and such, but he disappointed everyone, the fans, and such. The fans just cheer, because they've had so much disappointment already, they don't give a shit.
Angle says AJ went from a hero to a punk-ass bitch in one night. Then last week, which he dubs "The Earl Hebner Screwjob". EARL FUCKING HEBNER. Angle says Ric Flair is using AJ Styles, and exact words: "He wants to strip you of your innocence. Ric Flair is the dirtiest player in the game". Oooh rape. He then reveals that this 8 Card Studd tournament bullshit is just a huge elaborate farce meant solely to build up a Kurt Angle vs AJ Styles match for the next PPV, because... they ran out of ideas.
Hulk Hogan comes out. Good, I say! We've had far too much wrestling already. Hogan's mad or something that Angle accused him of being the Vince McMahon to his Bret Hart. Hogan then somehow implies that 20 or 30 years ago, there were no lawyers or lawsuits. He says that he functions on a whole other level... bruther. And after he spitting in Hogan's face, HOGAN NEED REVENGE RAAARGH because things like Forgiveness and such are unknown to Hulk. However, to prove he is greater than Jesus, he will forgive to Angle this one time. Angle apologizes for being the Bret Hart, whereas saying that Hogan came to TNA and is leading it, thus everything that happens in the ring, he is held accountable for.
They shake hands and all goodness. The nWo then ambushes Angle from behind and beats him up. Happy days in WCW.
Random Commercial-area Thoughts:
Backstage, Scott Hall and X-Pac drunkenly celebrate while being backed out of the door by security. Then we cut back to Mike Tenay and The Taz bitching about them. Maybe it's me, but Brian Kendrick's music completely does not match his entrance style or posing at all.
Brian Kendrick w/o "The" and The Motor City Machine Guns vs THOSE GUYS w/o Anything in their little name-box thing and The Amazing Red w/ Mediocrity despite (or perhaps due to) being X Champion
Kendrick killshits Red before the bell, then it rings and his attack becomes less assaultive. They wrestle a bit,w ith Red doing hsi flippy dippy shit that will get him to retire at 45, then the Murder Guns somehow both end up in, so Red can dominate them. THOSE GUYS then double team on Alex Shelley. THAT GUY catches Chris Sabin off the topr ope and Rock Bottoms him, THAT OTHER GUY then double teams him with the other guy. Satan then starts dominating THAT GUY. Robot Shelley crashes and burns a Poetry in Motion type thing, but catches THAT OTHER GUY OR MAYBE THE FIRST GUY from a springboard failure and nuts him.
Motor guns EFF around with Rod a bit, ROD wins some, but then the Murder guns double team him and such. The Brian then KILLS the fucker with a kick to the head that looked disgustingly brutal. Then he pins.
WINNAR: Spanky and the Motor Cities
British music arbitrarily hits. The Taz is goddamn stupid as he has no idea why, so Big Roid makes it obvious for him by holding up the MACGUFFIN! I mean, the MONEY IN THE BANK! As in, the suitcase he got from Feast or Fired for the X Win. Big Roid gets the suitcase, but Brutal Mange is like "no" and tries to get him to do something else. Holy fucking shit, can the British Invasion seriously fuck up a Money in the Bank shit-screw?
Commercials show that yes, they can: In fact, it's revealed that they were arguing Big Roid SHOULDN'T wrestle, because he can't, and so TEH DOUG takes over, and Red recovers enough for them to wrestle... for about 2-3 minutes before TEH DOUG wins.
WINNAR + NEW X TITLE GUY: TEH DOUG
Because that was just too much wrestling, we get another commercials.
Random Commercial-area Thoughts: You wanna be a UFC fighter like Randy Couture? Buy this thing, put it on a door, and you got a gym. Now if only you had the door.
When we've returned, we get Mick Foley in Eric Bischoff's office and such. Mick's all like wondering if Eric paid someone to beat him up, or if he cut himself. Bischoff's all like "we need to work it out" and such. Eric Bischoff strolls into memory lane, six years ago, where someone shit in the tunnel at Chuck E. Cheese's. All the children fled, but some brave soul went in with a bucket of sanitizer, and cleaned the shit. The point is: Mick Foley would rather clean shit in a Chuck E. Cheese ballpit tunnel than work in TNA for Eric Bischoff. I loved that story and its message. It was clean (not literally), coherent, and awesome.
Bischoff essentially threatens Mick, insinuating that he's a brutally corrupt and grotesque tyrant, saying he could fire Chris Parks and Jeremy Borast if Mick Foley effs with him any further. Bischoff walks down the hall, and into AJ Styles' room, where AJ and Ric Flair are proving to be faggots by NOT fucking the sluts, but instead... teaching them how to go "woo" like Ric Flair.
You know what? That's a far better use of time than screwing sluts. I take back what I say. Kudoz. Eric Bischoff, meanwhile, is mean and all like Ric Flair is smart for having his contract signed BEFORE Eric and Hulk took over, so they can't fire him.
Who wrote this. Anyone with a functioning mind and a short-term memory that is longer than 40 seconds should have blinked, looked around, and wondered if they were sitting on a pile of hot lava and looking up at a sky full of peaches and flying spaghetti.
IF ERIC BISCHOFF AND HULK HOGAN CANNOT FIRE RIC FLAIR BECAUSE HE SIGNED IT -BEFORE- THEY TOOK OVER, HOW CAN THEY FIRE BOBBY LASHLEY OR MICK FOLEY OR ANYONE ELSE?!?!?!?!?!
I feel good. I thought you'd left us, TNA. Welcome back, failure and stupidity beyond comprehension.
Anyway, Bischoff cancels their vacation. They go back to partying because they don't care.
Random Commercial-area Thoughts: "Sherlock Holmes" was better than "Avatar" the way drinking a cup of carrot juice is better than being made to drink a cup of someone else's blood-soaked vomit... with gold and silver and diamonds in it.
Mister Anderson (Welcome back... weeee missed you) vs Jeff Jarrett
Jeff Jarrett gets no music or video after the huge pyro and ballyhoo of Anderson's entrance. Mike Tenay even says "ballyhoo". MIKE TENAY IS BEING INFORMED BY THE TRUCK that Eric Bischoff had his music pulled. It's funny how TNA's bad ideas aren't just BAD ideas for TNA, but BAD ideas for anyone. You really think the people in the audience would realize this, or just think someone backstage fucked the fuck up?
By the way, you're missing a TOTALLY AWESOME contest right now... a contest of taunts on the turnbuckle between the two. They lock up and do some bits of nothing. Very slow in executing now and such. They face off again and Jarrett GAINS CONTROL with... a basic shoulderblock. Taz's own words. Then a few more shoulderblocks. OH YEAH, EXTREEEME! THIS IS WRESTLING! You know, for all the shit I say of Anderson, he has some great psychology, mockingly chanting "JAAARRETT! JAAAARRETT!" while beating up on Jarrett. It psychologically causes Jarrett to associate people chanting that with Anderson kicking him.
Jarrett gains control anyway, because he's older. He then struts, and commercials.
Now Anderson back in commercial is in control somehow, with Jarrett on the outside and such, clinging to the turnbuckle. Anderson repeatedly breaks the ring out count to EFF with him outside, then brings him inside to mockingly do a slam of some sort. Jarrett eventually mounts a comebakc, but bluh bluh dee bluh runs into a boot of Neo's and such. Neo is mad. The Taz says Jeff Jarrett has ring rust, but may not have ring shape, as Jarrett has not been wrestling for so long, which is whyh Neo is dominating him, and in no way because he has some kind of wrestling skills or such. THANKS FOR THE BURIAL, TAZ. SIGNED: MISTER ANDERSON.
So a pin fails, MOAR SHOULDERBLOCK ACTION, Neo gets on the top rope with Jarrett down, fails a Kenton Bomb. Jarrett does punches a stuff, Anderson tried a Mic Check, but Jarrett does an Inverted Russian Legsweep but gets blocked and Neo rolls him up for a slow as shit and lazy rollup schoolboy thing and pinwins. lolfailJarrett.
WINNAR: The One
Neo then gets ambushed by Jarrett outside, but quickly takes over and beats on him and such. Anderson gets him back inside, lays him with a Mic Check, and gets a microphone to EPICALLY SAY: "................................ AAAAAAAAAAAANDUUUUUUUUUUURR SONNN......."
Uppers: Whatever you liked
Downers: The rest, I guess
TNA "Creative" Award for "Creativity": TNA'S VERSION OF A "HELL IN A CELL" AND/OR "ELIMINATION CHAMBER" MATCH... ENDS IN A FUCKING DISQUALIFICATION!?
Bonus "Creative" Award for the most "Special" Writing Team in Wrestling Today: Eric Bischoff and Hulk Hogan cannot fire Ric Flair because he was hired before Hogan and Bischoff were. They then proceed to fire Bobby Lashley and Mick Foley, both of whom were hired before Hogan and Bischoff were.
A round of very special applause for the very special writing team. Keep sharp objects away from them.
You've just been Halonic Death Ray'd, and like I say every week, if I'm not back within two or three weeks, consider me dead.
Feedback if you want: email@example.com
THE TWF "MENTAL WELLNESS TEST!"
With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).