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TNA IMPACT RANT

by Andariel Halo

January 27, 2011


In the near future, TNA offers... meanwhile, I predict, because we TOTALLY love meaningless PPV predictions from assholes who usually predict things like SURPRISE RETURN OF... SKIP SHEFFIELD or some other asshat no one of my generation has ever heard of because they aren't Stone Cold Steve Austin or masked Kane. My winnar predict will be PAPA SHANGO! To come out. Question; who gives a shit who wins it?

Speaking of not giving a shit, VIDEO RECAP OF THE KURT ANGLE JEFF JARRETT TOTAL RE-FEUD! The apathy is cancerous.

Here's a question I apparently forgot to ask; Why is Angle starting shit with Jarrett and Jarrett? Why is the title for tonight "CRIMSON SEES RED"? Why did I foolishly state I would outlast TNA?

Angle wanders out from the back and comes to the top of the ramp, coming down the ramp to JAY BEE INTRODUCTION but no music or video entrance theme thing. Apparently this feud thing is a THREE WAY FIRESTORM involving himself, Kurt's ex-wife Karen, and Jeff Jarrett. Fucking Mike Tenay... I do not think "three way" means what you think it means. Idiot. You stupid idiot.

Kurt Angle comes to the ring to says he wanted to PUT ALL THIS STUFF BEHIND HIM and it was KAREN AND JEFF'S FAULT that Kurt is being a dickhead. Hey, dickhead, YOU FUCKING STARTED IT YOU STUPID SHIT! And now Kurt brings up how he made a vow EIGHT MONTHS AGO at Bound for Gloryhole that if he didn't win, he would retire from wrestling. He says the recordbook shows he failed to do that (WHAT A MAN TO ADMIT THAT NOW, AFTER EIGHT MONTHS OF FLAUNTING THAT SHIT AND HANGING AROUND THE RING, NOT TO MENTION EVEN WRESTLING THAT ONE TIME IN AN "EXHIBITION") but that he hasn't wrestled since, which is a total lie, and then basically says he's gonna be a lying sack of shit dickhead just so he can piss on Jeff Jarrett some more. Or maybe just Terry Funk it. How many of us would like to see Kurt Angle in the ring one more time? Tons of people cheer. How many of us want to see Kurt Angle in the ring against Jeff Jarrett? Eh.

Speaking of "Eh", out comes IMMORTAL with their MIDI music. Bischoff gonna get right to the point here. He gets a damn cavity listening to Kurt with his sweet cheap con to try to sleaze his way back on the TNA roster in the wrestling bidness. No, YOU are black, you kettle bastard! Kurt Angle is retired, he did it himself, he's done. Wrestling for a living is ovar for him. However, if it's an asskicking he wants, WELCOME TO ERIC BISCHOFF'S WORLD, you came to the right place, HAVE LUNCH, GENTLEMEN, ON ME! Totally not gay in any way, as Immortal goes down, a bunch of men taking off their clothes and approaching Angle in the ring.

They all run at him and punch him down and stuff, and he fights back some, but they take him down. To their credit, it looks like a real fight until they start squishing him in the corner. I literally yawned aloud, when suddenly SOME GUY runs in the ring with a baseball bat... ONE GUY... and ALL OF IMMORTAL RUNS. Are you fucking serious? Oh, and the "some guy" is THE AMAZING CRIMSON! Ric Flair gets on the microphone saying HEY! HEY! HEY! HEY! HEY! YOU, DUMBASS! I don't know what you think's going on and I don't know who THEY OR THOU OR THO OR THOO OR THEE OR THOU BUT THEY IS ME AND THEY IS HOGAN AND THEY IS BISCHOFF AND WE'RE GONNA STICK THEY OR WHOEVER THEY ARE UP THEIR OWN ASSES. I sure hope Ric Flair's promo skills in the 80s and 90s was a lot better than this incoherent jibbering. He then reminds us that he is GAD, then he is A GAD, and Kurt wants to wrestle again? Well Ric is his GAD and he's lifting the ban; Angle's gonna wrestle tonight.

One, Kurt wasn't BANNED, he RETIRED OF HIS OWN VOLITION. Two, you don't have any authority to pull that shit.

AND he got Jeff Jarrett, him and his dumbass partner, and he got Beer Money and Kazarian, and THESE TWO GUYS, is it GUNNER and pal? He don't even fucking know. AND he got the Giant, and he jabbers some incoherent bullshit. He then keeps jabbering on the microphone like he's mentally ill and needs to keep shouting the same shit over and over again. He should've stayed retired.

Random Commercial-area Thoughts: Who the fuck is Sinn Bodhi?

Backstage, Eric Bischoff akss Ric Flair if he's OUT OF HIS MIND? Durr. Bischoff says they worked so hard to get Angle to get his own ass to retire willingly, and now he brought him back. Ric Flair starts screaming incoherently, stuff about needing to take him down and drinking Kool Aid. What the fuck. Bischoff says Ric's gonna give Eric a heart attack. The Taz then says HAS KURT ANGLE THROWN A MONKEY WRENCH INTO THE GAMEPLAN OF IMMORTAL OR WHAT? In that case; What. It sure as fuck wasn't Kurt Angle who unretired himself and set up a match with him and some guy against Immortal. Also, Matt Hardy done scalped Awesome Kong and is wearing her scalp~!

Sarita and Tara and Madison Rayne vs Mickie "Chames" and the Beautiful People

BUT WAIT, BACKSTAGE! Winter yanks on Angelina all angrypants because Angelina Baltar does not want her with them, because VELVET is her BFF. This prompts Winter to scream wildly and such. Also, Jeremy Borash is worse than Lilian Garcia. I swear to Bog, he said "Mickie Chames". Fucking cretin. Also, what the fuck is wrong with The Taz? It's not enough that he equates the Beautiful People's ring entrance with "Let the pigeons loose!" but he goes on to say someone must have a raccoon loose. What the fuck do these even mean?

Everyone runs at each other and starts killshitting each other. ONLY NOW, BY THE TAZ is it said that this is an ELIMINATION tag team match. Fucking cretins. Velvet Sky beats on Sarita outside the ring, and Tara fights with Angelina Love, throwing a shitty punch that is easily reversed, then Angelina armwrenches Tara with her gross tumor-elbow arm. Over and over. Tara then kicks her, tags in Madison Rayne to be beaten down a bunch, then front slammed.

Madison tries what I can only guess was a Pump Handle type thing attempt, but fails miserably and gets tossed off. Sarita and Mickie James tag in now and Mickie James tries a sleazy rollup that fails. Sarita now with sluggish armwrenching of Mickie James, and Mickie breaks free to elbow Sarita in the face, then drag her into the corner to tag in Velvet Sky and hold out Sarita's arm so Velvet can axe handle it. Velvet kicks at her, then snapmare, and lazily kicks her back. Then she runs across the ring and comes back to dropkick her. Then irish whip reversed and Sarita catches Velvet's headscissor attempt into a backbreaker. Like RODERICK STRONG, who legit, no joke, no exaggeration, was claimed to have MILLIONS of variations of the backbreaker by the commentators for NWA Florida. NWA Florida sucked a dick.

Velvet irish whips Sarita again, revarsed, Velvet catches her back in some weirdy-beardy hug slam thing. Madison breaks up a pinfail and everyone rushes in so that people can all flood into the ring and stare at each other. A bunch of shit happens and Sarita eliminates Velvet Sky with a shitty rollup.

Mickie James irish whip reversed by Sarita into the corner, and Mickie attempts a headscissor thing, but gets tossed onto the apron. Sarita bitches at the referee and Tara uses her gross elbow-tumor to freak Mickie James out onto her ass, and everyone rushes into the ring for MORE STARING! Madison Rayne then goes to punch Mickie James but misses, Mickie gets stomped down regardless, and Madison punches someone. Mickie James eliminates Madison Rayne, and Sarita eliminates Mickie James after rolling her up.

Angelina slams Sarita's face in a corner, then irish whip and shitty schoolboy rollup pin gets 2. Then a headlock thing. AND COMMERCIAL INTERRUPTION! But first, we return and STILL IN THE SAME HEADLOCK! Sarita now pushes Angelina away, catches her in a back drop attempt but fails. Angelina pin gets 2. Angelina then headlock AGAIN but this time turning into a BODY SCISSOR. Meanwhile, backstage, VELVET SKY holds her head backstage and lays around like she been raped or something. Tara tagged in and gets tripped up by Angelina like an idiot. Tara then nosells an attack thing and just grabs Angelina's shoulder until Angelina punches her, then tosses her around by her hair. Angelina swings at Sarita who just runs in without tagging in but who gives a fucking shit, and Angelina pops her some and beats her up, then does her shitty shitty siganature move thing.

Irish whip reversed and Sarita bitches at the referee so Tara can beat up on Angelina some. Sarita then pin gets 2. She stomps and Tara just comes in to help beat up on Angelina. Sarita then goes outside, because she didn't even bother to tag in. Now Tara tags in Sarita. Good God, man. I know this happens all the fucking time, but if you're a newcomer to TNA, you have to realize this idiocy. Double suplex thing on Angelina, and Sarita tries two pinfails on her. Then puts her in the corner where the referee is counting for some stupid reason, despite neither of them being outside the ring, nor Sarita putting her in a submission hold or choke or anything. Tara comes in and tosses Angelina across the ring. Then she picks her up and needlessly tags in Sarita so they can do a shitty double team nothing.

Sarita then tags Tara in again, so they can do a shitty double team nothing. By which I mean, one of them holds her, and the other one fakepunches. It's really pointless. Angelina Love arbitrarily eliminates Tara, and then rolls up Sarita to pinwin.

WINNAR: Angelina Love

Meanwhile backstage, Kurt Angle is on the phone with Scott Steiner like are you, are you at the hotel? I need you to speed up the process and such. I mean, MYSTERIOUS PERSON ON THE PHONE! No one said Totally Unwanted and Apathy-inducing Main Event Mafia Reformation That Won't Draw a Dime.

Speaking of totally unwanted, apathy-inducing, and not drawing a dime, it's MATT HARDY backstage jibbering stuff about how his brother TRIPPED UP, happens to everyone, and how Anderson thinks he's cool because he says his name twice twice, and Hardy thinks that's stupid stupid.

Dumbass. Hardy says he gonna do Jeff the biggest favor a big brother can do for a little one, which is apparently to killshit a shithead. I approve. Speaking of shitheads, KAAZ joins at the commentator's table for no reason except to show off his shitty X belt that is worth roughly as much as the WWE Diva's Championship. IT'S NOT ABOUT WEIGHT LIMITS, IT'S ABOUT NO LIMITS... TO THE DEPTHS OF OUR IRRELEVANCY!

The Amazing Red gets a new theme music which is exactly the same as his old one, except with some slightly altered parts, and a loud record-scratchy sound to it. Also, fun how they completely leave his ass out of the whole MEM resurgance while leaving his roid-brother to be the THEY messenger. Pointless pop-up screen shows an EARLIER TODAY RED saying that he's gonna win tonight and such. Kaz says he's an amazing athlete, but not so amazing at expressing himself verbally. STOP SHOOTING, KAZARIAN!

The Amazing Red vs Max Buck (Who?) vs Chris Sabin

OOH fuck. Kaz says what these boys have to realize is that your balls have to actually drop before you can become X Division champion. Now that the REAL HARDY BOYZ are here, I have no idea who these Generation buckheads are. Kaz cracks a horrible joke on Chris Sabin. Speaking of jokes, Max Hardly gets punched up some, then flees out of the ring so his brother can hug him. Sabin and Red have fun with each other kicking and punching and flippy-dippy stuff, then comes GENERATION THAT GUY to come and generically punch and kick Red in the corner.

He holds Red and irish whips him, then runs at him for a generic slam into, but Red moves aside, and taps his feet on the guy's back, then hurricanranas him, and he slides out of the ring to stagger some. Amazoring Red tries to fly out of the ring but Sabin clotheslines him down and pin gets 2. Sabin then scares Max off the apron, then springboard onto the turnbuckle and jumps on him, and then throws him inside. Maz staggers some and Sabin jumps in at him, rolls around, and gets popped in the eye by him. Max throws Red out, then attacks Sabin and pin gets 2. Max Fuck kicks at Sabin lazily, then picks him up and elbows his face. Then irish whip and he monkey flips him, then does a needless backflip and dropkicks him. And now, HEADLOCK! Note that I call all boring restholds headlocks. It's actually a chinlock. Or maybe a headlock. I can't tell. It's the same fucking shit.

Red gets in, and gets to the top rope to jump onto the two of them with a double dropkick thing. Sabin comes out of the ring to have a nap, and Max wresu with Red, and does flippy dippy spinny thing with Red on Max and pin gets 2. Red for some reason SLOWLY gets onto the apron, as though waiting for Chris Sabin to get in and catch him, place him against the ropes, and do a spinny slammy thing into a pin gets 2. Max breaks it up, then gets into a X division thing with Sabin that gets Sabin's face planted, and Red breaks up a pin gets 2. Red dropkicks Max and he sort of drops lazily. Jee, he's a horrible wrestler. Jeremy Fuck gets on the apron to distract the referee for no reason, and Red gets to the turnbuckle and Jeremy Fuck pulls him down to crotch and Max Fuck gets up to stagger over at him, and pull him into a lame DDT thing from the top rope thing and pinwin.

WINNAR: Some guy

First of three guise to qualify for an X championship match thing. Backstage, Karen Jarrett finds Jeff and is like WUT ARE YOU DOING and such, he's preparing for his match. Karen BREAKS THE FOURTH WALL by claiming she saw him on the phone earlier tonight calling for someone to come and help him, thus not only making Ric Flair look like a fucking idiot for NOT seeing Amazing Crimson choke out two Immortal guys over two weeks, caught on camera, while Karen Jarrett sees Kurt Angle on camera LIVE and ACTS ON IT IN THE SAME NIGHT, but also making TNA that much stupider.

She knows him better than anybody, and Jeff says there's startin ta be a bunch more conspiracy theories than an episode of C-S-AH. This coming from the program that had STING CONSPIRACY SMOKE AND MIRRORS SHOCK AND AWE LOOKS ARE DECEIVING warnings for Dixie Carter of THEY. Because he's a fucking idiot, Jeff says Kurt was most likely talking to the guy in charge of Angle Foods and such. He orders Karen to move the fat on his back and shoulders around (massage) and shut up.

Random Commercial-area Thoughts: Stop showing me harelipped kids on my fucking TV

Backstage, Velvet Sky bitches to Angelina while clasping her head, saying that that BITCH WINTER attacked her from behind. Angelina is like ARE YOU SURE? She says Winter like teleports all over the place. Jesus... Velvet Sky says she's gonna go killshit Winter herself. Then, VIDEO PACKAGE for Ken Anderson, the fuckass. I'm done for the night, bruther. I'll return tomorrow morning. I left off at: 40:44

As I was skidding up to the proper time mark, I pressed the fast forward dealy on my Media Player Classic, and was treated to Anderson Anderson's voice PITCHED HIGH! like the Chipmunk things.

Now Jeff Harvey comes out, looking like a goofy hobo with his stupid coat over a hoodie over a shirt and tie. He then gets a microphone as he enters the ring and mumbles some of the words to his new shitty theme as it fades. He says he is troubled, he is troubled by YOU PEOPULLL in a really stupid-sounding ANGRY VOICE. He calls them all marks and internet... juggies? or Junkies? I hesitate to say junkies. IRONY; IT'S NOT JUST HOW IRON TASTES. And at Bound for Glorious Company of TNA, he took the title he took the money he took it all HE IS TNA. That's not really something to be proud of, but it certainly sounds better than "burn-out, washed up drug-dealing felon"

Now, let's address the shit-encrusted toilet bowl; at Sega Genesis, Ken Anderson defeated him. That's alright, it was a mistake, mistakes happen, but now we're SEVEN DAYS away from Jeff taking back his title, and when he do, ALL YOU PEOPLE SHUT UP! ALL YOU PEOPLE WHEN I DO I'mmina shove that moment straight up all your asses. Word salad is gut foar teh wordy speek.

This brings up the salad-tosser himself, Anderson Anderson Anderson Anderson, he says Hardy sure does bitch and moan a lot. What, just this once? He didn't even complain, he said it was okay! Fucking idiot. Anderson says Hardy sounds like Charlie Brown's mother (accurate enough), and says in this bidness, all that matters is W's and L's, and he's the W of one hell of an L company right now. Also, look at this mug of Harvey's:

Jesus. It's like when really old porn stars think they can pass as presentable by smearing assloads of makeup on their face to the point where they look like fleshy sex dolls and somehow end up appealing to the freak show crowd who wants to fuck a clown woman with three nostrils, eyes too far apart, and heaping bags of fat drooling from their face.

Or maybe I'm exaggerating. Regardless, Anderson Anderson continues to LIE by claiming Jeff pisses and moans and whines and complains. He then says no matter what the BS he puts us through, we still like him. Snort. Anderson asks how many FRICKIN arseholes do we have in the building tonight. A bunch of people cheer, then Anderson says THIS is about THIS, and THIS means he's the world champion and he's gonna continue to be the champion and such.

After some commercials so vapid, I had no thoughts, we go backstage where THE AMAZING CRIMSON talks about how he was there for his brother Red and he gon always be there for his brother Red, but today he got a lucrative offer, an OFFER HE CAN'T REFUSE HURRDURR GODFATHER MAFIA MAIN EVENT REFERENCE! I mean, WHAT? Who knows.

For no real reason, Velvet Sky comes out, to NO MUSIC OR VIDEO entrance. She calls calls Winter a BITCH and says she can't just come to TNA and break up the likes of the Beautiful People, show up whenever she damn well please, sneak attack Velvet Sky from behind and such. She calls her a... glass-bottom boat loving bitch. I... what? The Taz thinks that Velvet has the same voice coach as Madison Rayne and Karen Jarrett. Winter comes down, and Velvet decides to be a bitch and baseball slide her legs out from under her when she gets on the apron, then gets out of the ring to beat on her some.

Winter eventually gets kicked so much she rolls into the ring, and Velvet dropkicks her down, then starts pounding her on the mat and such and more punching stuff but Winter WINTERS UP and nosells all the injury to start beating up on Velvet. Only now does Angelina Love come to stop them. Some idiots try to start a "SHE'S A SCREAMER" chant which goes nowhere, and The Taz does not understand hormones. His own jibbering.

Backstage some, His Holy Darkness Pope Blackadictus I D'Angelo Dinero wanders about. When we return from commercial, he doth arrive to the ring, coming down the ramp and such. Fucking Mike Tenay says that Pope got VERY PERSONAL with that video presentation last week. Okay, look, I was joking last week, it was obviously NOT Samoa Joe and his wife, but video footage of some pigs. FUCKING MIKE TENAY apparently did not know this.

His Holy Pope says he may have said some things that shouldn't have been said and maybe he's done some things that shouldn't have been said, may have said and done some things that should have been said, but now he gonna do something that NONE OF YOU would ever do; he's gonna LEAD BY EXAMPLE because he's PURE, that's why he always wears white, And tonight on what he calls CONFESSIONS with the Pope, he gonna do the unthinkable and confessssssssssssssssssssssssssss.

You see, because, many of you around the world right now, you're sitting or standing next to someone you cannot stand. The Taz sure feels that way. And you act nice to them, and when they leave you stab them in the back. Are many of you watching this episode and as soon as its over, you gonna get in bed and you're SLEEPING WITH THE ENEMY and you will not say a word because I GOTTA DO THIS FOR THE KIDS SNIFFLE SNIFFLE but he doth be Pope and he is BIGGER than that, and BETTER than that, and he is BETTER than all of you, and right here right now Pope is gonna kneel down... He wanna say right here right now...

He wanna say Joe... he wanna say Joe... Joe... I DON'T LIKE YOU! hurrdurr. JOE, I DON'T LIKE YOOU, I DON'T LIKE WHO YOU ARE, I DON'T LIKE WHAT YOU STAND FOR! WHO GOES AROUND IN MODERN DAY SOCIETY SAYING "I'm gonna kill you"?! STOP SHOOTING, BURKE! He say what kind of people chant JOE'S GONNA KILL YOU and such. Pope can't work wonders, he's only one man, but what he CAN do is give one of his members of the congregation NEXT WEEK a chance to follow Pope's lead. Right here, next week on confessions with the Pope, he gonna give someone the opportunity to BOW DOWN TO THE POPE and CONFESS and receive his holy blessings on their face. He gonna change this world ONE SMILE AT A TIME! And gives us a goofy smile.

Backstage in Immortal's locker room, everyone yells at each other until Ric Flair makes them all shut up. FOr some reason, Eric Young is there, too in the back, wiggling around. Ric Flair says Big Roid LOOKS like a million dollars, but until he does something, he's just walking around doing nothing or whatever. He says gold medals don't matter in his world, and they all leave... leaving just Ric Flair and Eric Young in the lockerroom.

FLair's like WUT ARE YOU DOING HERE and Eric says he's the champ, and Flair smacks away that piece of trash TNA WORLD TITLE BELT THAT IS NOT JEFF HARDY'S UGLY PINK SHIT saying it's trash and such. He yells at Eric Young some, and Eric Young runs away like he gonna be part of Immortal or something.

Random Commercial-area Thoughts: Why does everyone in movies before the 1970s sound exactly the same?

Video package reflects back from October 2009 back when Hulk Hogan lied out his fucking ass saying TNA would be the leaders in the wrestling bidness, followed by Dixie Carter being a stupid idiot signing away her company and the THEY thing leading up to an injunction. Now, LIVE VIA TELEPHONE DIxie Carter interview. Why is BIschoff allowing this to happen on TV?

Dixie Carter is 100% confident in this legal thing, but it's cost a lot of time and money, and she will have their DAY IN COURT on February 3rd and she will have full control over her company again. The Taz calls her Dicks. Meanwhile, here be Eric Bischoff to say Dixie Carter has been drinking her own Kool Aid for so long she doesn't know the difference between Kool Aid and 18 year old Scotch. I... what?

Next week, the only thing that matters is the two most important things that are going to happen; Jeff Hardy will get a rematch for the TNA world title, and he will get that belt back and he will be back in control of the gold, and Hulk Hogan will prevail from a legal perspective and things will be as they should be. Bischoff... that does not even pretend to resemble a winning legal strategy.

As for this THEY thing, which features THE AMAZING CRIMSON brutally assaulting Immortal members... Bischoff puts it in the same category as the tooth fairy, Santa Claus, and any other form of wishful thinking. There is no They. There is no Amazing Crimson. Abyss was not assaulted last week. There is no Janice. We are in control.

Up next, Matt Hardy wiggling around his fatshit self some. then commercials, which I skip because I have a headache, and Matt Hardy comes out with an entrance video that just... thoroughly encompasses his internet addiction by consisting of nothing but his name, a bunch of text-emoticons, and internet-looking stuff.

Matt Hardy vs Mr Kennedy

The Taz says he does not think this match serves any purpose and does nothing at all. That being the case.

WINNAR: Anderson Anderson

After a sleazy, shitty rollup pin, Jeff Harvey--HARDY! rushes down to attack Anderson Anderson from behind, and two stupid bitches keep screaming nonstop. The Harvey Boys beat up on ANderson ANderson in the ring, and Rob Van Dam abruptly remembers he's feuding with Hardy too, and comes out to chase the boys away.

Backstage, Kurt Angle walks around iwht The Amazing Crimson and says Don't worry, we're SCOTTSTEINER not gonna be alone out there. NOT GONNA BE ALONE OUT THERE?! DURR WUT DOZ THAT MEAN?!

Kurt Angle and The Amazing Crimson vs THEY

Apparently Jeff Jarrett isn't out here when he was supposed to be. So Robert Roode starts by beating up on The Amazing Crimson, and stomps him down in the corner. Irish whip on him, Crimson ducks a clothesline and does a flying shoulder block at him, then some generic punchdowns, and a front suplex slam thing. He reaches out to point at Kurt Angle, then tags him in, and holds Robert Roode so Angle can weakly punch him in the guts. Roode ends up taking control of Angle almost immediately and tags in James Storm to punch up on Angle and such. Irish whip and Kaz tagged in reversed and Angle tilt a whirl backbreakers him, and James Storm tagged back in.

Storm rushes at Angle and Angle tries to grab his back, but Storm turns around, Angle dips him down, then belyl to belly suplexes him up. He chases off Immortal from the apron, and James Storm attacks him from behind. Storm then TUNING UP THE BAND FOR SOME SWEET CHIN MUSIC. Hey wait. He SWEET CHIN MUSICS the referee, and now all of Immortal rushes in and they all fight, with Immortal beating up on Kurt Angle. Three of them stomp on Kurt Angle in the corner and The Amazing Crimson gets beate up on the outside.

Suddenly JEFF JARRETT music hits and he comes out with Karen Jarrett and full pyro and ballyhoo. Karen Jarrett ISN'T a fuckwit, and KNOWS that some big bad booty daddy is gonna come out and such. Jarrett makes like to fakepunch Angle, but Angle SWERVE and Olympic Slams him. The rest of Immortal then beats him down. The NWA GUISE hold onto Angle and they punch him up, then Jarrett does his inverted Russian Leg Sweep, and Jarrett... pins ANgle. Despite not being in the match? REFEREE NOT ERIC BISCHOFF'S SON comes out to pinwin him or something.

WINNAR: THEY

After more beating ons, MATT MORGAN comes down, to get beat up on, too. More beatings on, then the lights go out and a SIREN SOUNDS! OH NO WHO IS THIS? WHO COULD IT BE? Someone then appears in the ring with a steel pipe swinging it at them and shouting incoherently in that fashion he's liable to do. Who is he again? I wanna say Todd Stein something. Immortal stands on the ramp yelling at him and Todd Stein yells back at them and such.

TNA YAY: Steiner's wild screaming and potentially curse-laden jabbers

TNA BOO: How many more ex-WCW, ex-WWE guys will it take before TNA is satisfied and actually tries to improve their shitty product?

TNA WTF: Is Eric Bischoff really so stupid as to not only think that holding the championship belts gives him a legal claim to the company, but that A GUY SAVAGELY BEATING UP MEMBERS OF HIS GROUP ON VIDEO TAPE, EVEN BEFORE THEIR VERY EYES, is just a lying sack of shit with no friends or allies or purpose?

Go play on my fucking Twitter Captain Halo

Feedback if you fucking want: phenomynouss@hotmail.com

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Andariel Halo is a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. She can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. She translates ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees. Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, Andy once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. Children trust her. She knows the exact location of every dairy item in the supermarket. She has performed covert operations for the CIA. She's in bed every day, but sleeps once a week, OH! The laws of physics do not apply to her. One time, she shot her friend in the back of the head with a BB gun, and placed all blame on him.

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TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).