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TNA IMPACT
REPORT
(01/21/10)
by ANDARIEL HALO

Time for TNA iMPACT! time. Look to the forums to see my opinion on the sudden and completely amateur "we don't give a shit about you, the wrestlers with whom we wouldn't even have a company without" mentality of changing the ring shape without telling any of the wrestlers, whom it would directly affect.

If they replaced my Windows computer at work with a fucking MacOS without telling me beforehand to prepare me, I'd fucking quit, and not just because Mac is a shit system.

Also, because this is WCW---I mean, TNA, the ramp has that WCW-style elevation thing connecting to the ring thing.

ARBITRARY AJ STYLES HEEL TURN FOR TEH WIN(?)

After a lengthy video package, a black slave-man dressed all in black opens a white limo where three white wimin and Ric Flair and AJ Styles emerge. The thought of Ric Flair in an orgy... CANNOT UNTHINK.

And to ensure I keep on thinking, here be Ric Flair coming to the ring with two of the tainted sluts. It's okay, I'm not a sexist---I'm sure Ric Flair plugged AJ Styles a bit in that limo. It's kind of cramped, after all, and old people -do- have trouble seeing in the dark. And come on! Ric Flair's a legend! You saying you would take Ric Flair's dick out of your ass if he blessed you with the attention? Fuck no, you wouldn't, wrestling fool! You'd say thank you and wait till he came! Live with THAT image in your head, now.

Ric Flair says he thinks he loves TNA, then gets down to business: three reasons he came to TNA. And to really show just what I thought of that, I typed "three reasons he came to money" before realizing that slip of the cyber tongue and replaced it. He says money---I mean, because he hates Hulk Hogan and won't let him get away. He then says the answer is that people ask him "Nature Boy, who's gonna be the next Nature Boy?" which I didn't realize "Nature Boy" is the new "Caesar" or "Duke of Rape".

Oh God, I'm exhausted. I don't know why. Ric Flair says he's gonna be working with AJ Stylin' and Profilin' till he's out of the business. Now it's story time. He was at the Hard Rock Hotel in Orlando, made a phone call, and through the door came a beautiful Southern Belle, and in record time, they were in the elevator headed for the biggest suite, a candle-light dinner with red wine, a breeze blowing the curtains, sex, and as the night quieted down, the hotel got quiet, and all you could hear at midnight was this beautiful woman hollering "WOO!" at the top of her voice, "SLOW DOWN NAITCH, YOU'RE MOVIN' WAY TOO FAST!" He jumped back, Dixie Carter jumped up, gave him a contract and said "Sign in, put whatever number you want on it"

Is he implying he seduced and fucked Dixie Carter, a married woman, like a whore, and got a contract out of it?

Speaking of which, here be AJ Styles, who gets some of the most blatantly piped-in boos to start with. Really, that's the only way to describe it. People were cheering when his music hit, then ALL OF A SUDDEN THERE IS HUGE BOOING, and it suddenly ends after a few seconds, and people are cheering again.

AJ's all heeling it up all like "Do you have a problem with what you see in this ring right now?" And a huge segment of the audience shouts "No!" HUGE "AJ" chant starts. AJ's all like despite being here for eight years and such, TNA's never been known as the house that AJ Styles built. He's done it all, he's a TNA Original, one of the first to be signed with TNA. All sorts of things and no credit to him, but instead give it to these multiple Jeff Jarretts, Kurt Angles, Mick Foleys, Samoa Joes, Stings, a whole bunch of them. The entire lockerroom is nothing but them, and their clones. AJ says instead he's a limo-flyin' Ric Flair rip-off, complete with weak "Woo!"

Kurt Angle comes out looking weird, and Hulk Hogan appears behind him. Not amused with the tawdry, bushleague ripoff of the 97 Screwjob last Sunday?! Well guise, at Genesis, Hogan said this was Angle's last title shot for 2010, but because Ric Flair put his nose in the business, Hogan changed his mind, and I quote in full Hitlerian, Stalinesque, brutal dictator fashion, "I changed my mind, bruther"

Hogan Dictator then decides to give Angle another shot at the world title, and if Ric Flair comes anywhere near ringside, he'll rip the title out of AJ's hands, disqualify his butt, then give Angle the title while the still-qualified portions of AJ cry. AND IT'S ALL TONIGHT! And by the way, guise, this is real, this is damn real, says Hogan.

Matt Morganite's new year resolution: Be God. Well, he started it with talking about God putting him here to be amazing and such. His resolution is to give more to charity.

After commercials, Mick Foley starts attacking furniture, using a stool against a ladder, his luggage against a chair. It's horrible... broken bodies, splintered legs, bent steps... it's a war zone.

Speaking of horrible, THE NASTY BOYSZ are going to debut tonight.

And later tonight:

Because big-time championship matches at big-time pay per view events must be cheapened and fucked over by having insta-rematches the next night FREE, we get this shitpile:

WCW Tag Team Championships Matthias Morgan and Hernandez vs w/e

TEH DOUG starts with Matthias, though Brutal Faggot goes to attack Hernando, then skitters off while TEH DOUG beats on Morganite. Something's wrong with the ring. It just looks odd. Morganite goes to do his elbow thingy on TEH DOUG on the turnbuckle, then goes and smacks him with a clothesline, then does his lazy-ass drop side-thing. Oh wait, I think I see---the ring is missing two sides! It's only got four. Morganite then does his thing with the sliding out of the ring thing. Brutal then starts clubbing and kicking at him, then tosses Morgan back in so TEH DOUG can knee him a bit.

Brutal springboards in to elbow dorp on him, then pinfalls but gets 2. Chinlock on Matthias. He gets up, but Brutal slams him down. Magnoos tries to bounce off the ropes but Morganate gets him in a chokeslam attempt, but he breaks free to get clotheslined by him. Now both people tag in, and Super Spic shoulderblocks TEH DOUG in, then kicks Magoo across the ring, and powerbomb things TEH DOUG, who gets 2. Hernandez catches TEH DOUG on his shoulders, and they do a double team move like from the WWE Smackdown vs Raw, where it has a superkick into German Suplay.

Big Roid Terrence throws in a suitcase, so Magoo can hit TEH DOUG in the head with it and cause the good guys to win.

WINNAR: Hernandez and Matt Morgan

Because Big Roid is fucking stupid, apparently, Brutal Magi blames Big Roid for it. Mick Foley appears for no reason, and attacks all the British people with a chair, then DDTs one of them on it. He then looks into the camera and says for Eric Bischoff to schedule an appointment for him tonight.

Speaking of TNA, after a commercial thing, Bubba the faggot calls Jeff Jarrett on the phone on his radio show thingy. It's 6:24 in the morning, and Jarrett hangs up when Bubba says they're on the air. He calls again two hours later and Jarrett says "don't put me on the air", then proceeds to talk anyway.

Meanwhile in an office, Hulk Hogan talks about trying to control Cactus Jack. Bischoff then calls him Cactus Jack. As for Mick Foley, who knows? Kevin Nash wanders in, and Hogan's all like "rock paper scissors? The clowning? Jerking people off of the crowd?" clearly indicating Scott Hall being a drunken fuck and the nWo bullshit Hogan is directly responsible for.

Speaking of which, remember that one time years ago when Angle was freaking out over Sting's mystery partner at TNA Genesis, and asked Sting directly who it was, and Sting said "Scott Hall", and nothing else, then Scott Hall appeared and said it wasn't here, and Sting was all like "Oh I was just lying" or whatever? What was the fucking

point of all that? Speaking of pointless, here is Orlando Jordan.

Before it even starts, they go backstooge where Pope is feeling really good about this matchup, studying videos like The Color Purple and Sister Act I and II, and that the only person in the iMPACT zone with prophetic-ness is him, so fuck you Whoopi Goldberg and such. I see what he did there.

His Holy Darkness Pope Blackadictus I D'Angelo Dinero vs Whoopi Goldberg

Black on Black violins to occur now, and the Pope waits a bit, stalling, wandering about, and Whoopi just goes along doing nothing. Then they lock up, wrasslin' a bout and such. A (balls)deep armdrag by Orlando Jordan, then Pope gets Orlando's head and tries to do stuff but he grabs Pope's leg, and trips him up, then mounts him, but Pope goes behind, and totally out of character, Orlando is trying to escape.

Totally IN character, Orlando bitch slaps the Pope, causing him to tackle him and mount him again, back where he likes it. Teh Popicles now chops, slaps, big shot behind him. Then he slides over his back, and hops into the crowd, causing a redhead with loads of exposed cleavage to blush and wet herself. Teh Pope gets on the apron, and Whoopi armdrags him inside, PSYCHOLOGY! Then he DDTs him or something, and pin win.

WINNAR: Whoopi Goldberg

Backstage again with Christy Hemme talking with Kurt Angle who is all like "it makes me sick to my stomach to see what Ric Flair's done to AJ. But then again, AJ's a big boy; he makes his own choices". He's then gonna serve up some justice. SID Justice, that is!!!11onetyone1!11!111!!

The Pope's 2010 Resolution: Get serious with us for a sec. If he didn't enlighten us, we wouldn't understand the purpose of a New Year's resolution. His resolution is that every morning he gets up will be a new year. Happy 10,000th Birthday, Pope!

PART TWO of the "who gives a shit?" Bubba the Cum Sponge prank calling Jeff Jarrett. He tells Jarrett to stop putting peroxyde in his hair and back him up in saying "fuck Haiti", or something. Jarrett threatens to bring in the lawyers, then says Bischoff's mismanagement and/or Hogan's big contract may have killed WCW. He hangs up on the Cum Spunge again, or is about to, while the fat boy tries to make him not hang up.

Eric Jungus appears before a topless Kebong and asks if he's with me or with the nWo. In case you doubt my calling them the nWo, consider that they call themselves "The Band", and have "The Band" in the exact same logo style as the nWo logo. Nash says something like being with him or something.

Video packoge of Angelina Love and the Horrible People turning on her back in October, and Lacey Von Erich and her tits, and Angelina Love returning last week. Also, Alissa Flish left.

Random Commercial-area Thoughts: I do this recap for you, and if you forget one thing, I will have you shaved, sterilized, and destroyed!

PART THREE OF THE "WHO GIVES A SHIT?" thing. Bubba claims there is a civil war in TNA. I've yet to see any casualty reports. Jarrett's bitching at him and Bubba's all like "nobody's sacred... by you working harder..." bluh bluh dee bloo, Jarrett's all like he already started at the back of the line and this is all bullshit and if he wants to join in on the legal bullshit, etcetera. Bubba says why doesn't he have a conversation with Hulk Hogan. STOP SHOOTING, BUBBA~!

So... Bobby Lashley... says Eric Bischoff. This is rather awkward, considering he quit two weeks ago. And yet he says despite all this, he wants to wrestle, and suddenly face-turns or else becomes a cowardly heel saying his heart is in TNA. Bischoff is all like he respects that he admits he made a mistake, bluh bluh dee bluh, says he should talk to the Huckster with this and all.

Madison Rayne vs Angelina Love

Angelina somehow looks older, likely from the added fifteen gallons of makeup. She also forget to change her "Beautiful People" taunt-set. Angelina instantly attacks her, but then Madison Rayne punchies on her, only for Angelina to mount her and start punching and slapping and now up and kicking her, picks he rup, shoves her on the turnbuckle, taunt, irish whip is reversed, but she reverses and Bicycle kicks her. And pins.

WINNAR: Angelina Love

She then opens up Madison's top, and chokes her with it. But never fear, homosexual readers, for she keeps her bra on!

Lacey Erich and Velvet Sky appear and attack, but Angelina beats them off. Velvet has the pink nightstick, presumably their mutual-use dildo, but Angelina faces her off, looking a lot like Linda Hamilton, while Velvet hesitates until Madison trips her up, and Lacey Von Erich attacks her, and they all three beat her up and such.

Backstage, fat boy is with the nWo, and he googled "screw up" today and got Sean Waltman and Scott Hall. STOP SHOOTING, LOVE SPONGE! Waltman drunkenly says a bunch of shit, which ultimately amounts to "when we're around, stuff happens". That can be applied to anyone who has ever existed and ever will exist. Scott Hall mumbles something and I hear none of it over the sound of how amazing I am.

Velvet Sky's new year's resolution: Live every day. That's a good one. She says she doesn't need to set standards and goals, because she's a synthetic whore. Or something.

Random Commercial-area Thoughts: According to Terry Gilliam, the last line Heath Ledger spoke for filming on the set was "Don't shoot the messenger." When Johnny Depp filmed his role after Ledger's death, Depp asked Gilliam if he could try a new ad-lib: "Don't shoot the messenger", unaware that Ledger had improvised an identical line. Gilliam was astounded, remarking, "Heath is still out there. Johnny's channeling Heath somehow. I mean, Shirley MacLaine would love all this."

Coming on down is THE IMMORTAL Hulk Hogan and Eric Bitchoff. They stand around before Hogan is all like "I guess you could say, we got some momentum, and things are moving real quick with the TNAmaniacs guise! Well you know, guise, there's a lot of business we gotta take care of, and I can count things on one hand that are right in our face and we gotta address right here, right now." He then says he's sick of the clowns doing the rock paper scissors, obviously referring to the nWo. Coming out to AN ENTIRELY DIFFERENT GENERICIZED VERSION OF HULK HOGAN'S GENERICIZED ENTRANCE nWo THEME IS THE nWo! Hogan says stop right there on top of the ramp.

Hogan says this party's over, you don't work here, so hit the road. Securitah then ambushes them and Hogan tells Kebin (who came out with them) to talk them down and get them out of his sight. Hey yo, it don't work that way anymore, bruther. Crowd sings that song to them. You know which one---the incomplete one. Mick Foley randomly wanders out now, prompting security to come back out to back him off. He's all like "I JUST WANNA TALK!" and Bischoff's like "YOU WANNA TALK?! WE'LL TALK!"

Eric Young's 2010 resolution: to be the best. I think someone like Albert Einstein or someone said that “If a cluttered desk is a sign of a cluttered mind, then what are we to think of an empty desk?” I consider that to be Eric Young's current positioning with his generic-ass resolution. It also hilariously calls back to Velvet Sky's ranting about how people who make resolutions are fuckwits who can't accomplish anything on their own and need to set standards for themselves. Haha, she hates Eric Young.

Random Commercial-area Thoughts: Stop crying, you sniveling ass! Stop your nonsense. You're just the afterbirth. You slithered out of your mother's filth. They should have put you in a glass jar on a mantlepiece. Where were you when Paul was suckling at your mother's teat? Where were you? Who was nursing you, poor Eli- one of Bandy's sows?

Kebong screams at security backstage, to stop the bandying about with the nWo, and says he'll fix it, and the nWo leaves.

Tha Nasty Boysz vs Kevin Nash and Eric Young w/ 2nd generic nWo music

The fat one with the dark hair starts with Eric, and Eric smooshes him in the turnbuckle, but hsi fatness cannot be contained, and he breaks free, only for Eric to irish whip, get reversed, Eric slips out from under him, the fat guy slaps at him wildly like a fat piece of shit. Oh hey, how considerate---they have their names on the back of their fat shit shirts. Sags is the fat one, Knobs is the blonde one who is also fat. Knobs gets tagged in, misses an easy elbow dorp on Eric, Kevin Nash gets tagged in to match the Nasty Boys' speed and style.

Very slow stuff in the corner, then runs and cloptheslines him. He looks angry, and tries again, but fatty back elbows him and tags in Sags. Revarsed irish whip sees Sag get booted in the face, and Eric Young tagged in to elbow him, while Knobs pulls Nash outside to fight him. Eric Young now being dubble teamed inside and the referee is all like "get out" and they're all like "who are you?" and they continue double teaming. In all the time he could have counted them out, he didn't, so Knobs just exits the ring so Sags can win.

WINNAR: The Nasty Boys

Look who's on his way to the iMPACT zone now!

Random Commercial-area Thoughts:

During the commercial areas, The Dudley Boys attacked the Nasty Boys backstage with steel HORSE DICK.

Now appearing before the ring is Neo. No reaction whatsoever from the crowd. Once he starts walking, you hear some people cheering, subsequently getting a bit louder, but his music is still louder than the audience. NOW they're getting louder. Mister Anderson commands the microphone down towards him. We missed you.

He say he is not here because of all your e-mails and twats and the myfaces. He's here because Hulk Hogan called him personally. Yeah, fuck you fans! He says "I'm leaving you, bruther!" OH NOESZ! Heartbreak. Neo says he would get an opportunity he might not have been given... "elsewhere". That is, breaking people's bodies and getting injured once every five months after each recovery. He says he won't come here to bitch and such and say he's the biggest thing ever.

This past Sunday, he says his actions were "like really loud, like really loud" and from behind, Chris Parks appears behind him, and Neo is all like "I'm trying to talk here" and doesn't realize he's thar. He's like "I beat the monster [Chris Parks]" and he says he didn't realize how tall he was. Behind him, Chris Parks mocks him. Then Neo says he didn't realize how stupid, idiotic, moronic, and clumsy he was. And Chris makes a funny face:

Neo then says he beat Chris Parks in the ring cleanly, in Deutsch, and Chris Parks makes another funny face as Neo starts to say his name:

He then pokes his shoulder for attention, and knocks his ass up with punchies and such. Expect to have him anally give birth to fists. Neo flees after being beaten up a bit.

Bruther Devon's new year's resolution: the same as Eric Young's.

Bruther Ray's new year's resolution: win more tag team titles, put more people through tables, listen to more rock n roll, drink more, hang out with hot chicks, put more people through ta---

Backstage, Eric Bischoff is all seethingly angry at Chris Parks for dancing about with his facial gymnastics behind Neo, and Chris Parks is all sad and apologetic, and asks him a question, and it all depends on Mick Foley, and Bischoff goes into Hulk Hogan's office, where hilariously Mick Foley is being held onto by a bunch of security guards, like Hannibal Lecter with people restraining him instead of metal.

They start talking, and Bischoff tells the security guards to take a break, get some coffee, and mostly just leave. Foley wants to mention that he hates what he's done to Foley's office, and yells at Bischoff and such, and says "I will stop you, by force if necessary!" and such. Bischoff is all like "Are you threatening me, Master Jedi?" and he then tells the cameraman to leave.

WCW Championship AJ Styles vs Kurt Angle

They come out and it starts. Kurt Angle takes control first with stuff. Uppercuts among that stuff. AJ then takes control, chops and stuff. Watching AJ wrestle is often a fun experience with lots of ritual moves repeated in sequence. It's like Five Moves of Doom if it were multiplied by some numbers. Kurt Angle has a similar sort of thing. Maybe that's what it takes to be a decent wrestler, but even my CAWs like Bloody Margie in the video games I make, I always change her moveset every week or so that I play.

Random Commercial-area Thoughts: Penis

From what it sounds like looking at the TV and only listening to it, this match is certainly a match between AJ Styles and Kurt Angle. The audience is nice and active, so it's clearly a decent one. At some point, though, they'll need to elevate someone to this feud. I nominate Hulk Hogan. Life will not be complete until a repeat of the Joe vs Angle 2007 situation occurs with Hulk Hogan in Angle's place, owning ALL the company's championship belts and then some.

OMFG PELE!!!~!! Angle goes down, undoubtedly, and time for a Styles Clash, but Angle reverses it into an Ankle Lock, that move which back when it first appeared, I considered the SHAMROCK ANKLE LOCK because Ken Shamrock did it and it was called that in WWF Wrestlemania 2000, the video game. It looked funny in the game, like overly dramatically.

OMFG BELL RINGS ALL OF A SUDDEN and Earl Hebner hands the belt to Shawn Michaels, then hauls ass out of here. Bret Hart is all like WTF and Triple H and Shawn Michaels leave. Bret Hart is all freaking out and such in the ring. Vince McMahon comes out to talk to Bret, and Bret shrieks at him and such, then spits in Vince's face, announcing he quits, then makes a WCW motion in the air with his finger.

By the way, replace those names with their TNA equivalent, and you have exactly what just happened.

Fuck this company.

Oh, and Eric Bischoff randomly staggers out, bleeding from the head. People are chanting something which is getting heavily censored. Bischoff gets a microphone and SQUEALS "MICK FOLEY... YOU ARE FIRED!"

End show.

Uppers: The nWo got thrown out. Pope is pimpin'

Downers: The Nasty Boys. Everything else.

WCW "Creative" Award for "Creativity": The eight seconds of effort it took to completely copy-paste the events of the Montreal Screwjob and barely change a fucking thing in any effort to make it relevant to the current situation between the two competitors, or even to make it look like anything more than a cheap rip-off to the notoriously smarky TNA audience.

To quote the Chinese zookeeper pointing to a female panda to the last male panda, "Fuck that!"

You've just been Halonic Death Ray'd, and like I say every week, if I'm not back within two or three weeks, consider me dead.

Feedback if you want: phenomynouss@hotmail.com

Andariel Halo is a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. She can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. She translates ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees. Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, Andy once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. Children trust her. She knows the exact location of every dairy item in the supermarket. She has performed covert operations for the CIA. She's in bed every day, but sleeps once a week, OH! The laws of physics do not apply to her. One time, she shot her friend in the back of the head with a BB gun, and placed all blame on him.

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TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).