TNA IMPACT RANT
January 20, 2011
I saw Twilight: New Moon a few days ago for the first time and BOY DID I LOVE IT! Boy completely ditches girl due to his own paranoid delusional fears, tells her to never try to find him, then starts randomly appearing all the time in the form of a smoky apparition, orders her around, then threatens to commit suicide because she's hanging out with another guy. These are the types of morals and values more people should be taking to heart. Namely people who love the Twilight series. STALKING IS JUST ANOTHER WORD FOR LOVING.
Speaking of whatever, Kurt Angle arrives backstage, and tells RANDOM BACKSTAGE GUY to play his music now, and the guy is all like WUT HUH HEY, KURT WANTS HIS MUSIC PLAYED NOW as if this is the first time he wanted to suddenly come out to his music all of a sudden, and totally not exactly the same thing he did last week and just covered in a video intro showing that exact thing happening. Who the hell watches last week's iMPACT or the beginning of this one? Certainly not I!
Kurt Angle comes out now to the ring to be all like before his former wife and her new husband come out here and litter the iMPACT Zone with lies and mistruthes about him, he wants to set TEH RECORD STRAIGHT! He's just like Matt Hardy, LET IT GO, KURTLE, NO ONE CARES! I'm literally more intrigued by looking over at Smackdown playing right now and Teddy Long apparently LAID OUT AN UNCONSCIOUS or something. AND RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE OF A MIDCARD MATCH! Just like the Attitude Era, only without the Goldust and Bombastic Bob Holly! Remember Bodacious Bart and Bombastic Bob? They were managed by Jim Cornette? I forgot the name of their team, but needless to say, it was the greatest piece of shit you've never seen.
Speaking of pieces of shit, Kurt Angle says Karen Jarrett completely lied, because this conflict IS about Kurt Angle and Jeff Jarrett, and says how Karen Jarrett is a great asset for TNA inside the ring and outside the ring, and in a short period of time, outside the ring, whenever Kurtle turned his head, she would be standing next to Jeff Jarrett. HURRDURRRRRR... She said she was talking business and such and he'd believe it cos Jarrett was partowner, but then stuff and junk. But the one thing neither of them will take away from him is his character; he's already chomping that to hell with this sleaze-shit goofy-ass storyline feud.
He then does a funny SADFACE, or as Sid calls it, FUGEEFACE! And says he was a GOOD HUSBAND and GOOD FATHER because he wanted to give his family everything they dreamed of having. So because he's such a GOOD MAN HONEST, he threatens Karen Jarrett, saying they either make amends and go their separate way and get along, OR she provokes him and CONTINUES to provoke him, and he'll pull out every skeleton in her closet. This guy is the face, why? This brings out teh JARRETTY music, and Jarrett's harem of young men walk to the ring laughing and pointing at the ring, then slowly coming up the aprons so Angle can beat them all off one by one. Angle's like IS THAT ALL YOU GOT JEFF BRING IT BRING IT.
This brings out Eric Bischoff and Ric Flair with their IMMORTAL_-_Jimi_Hendrix_Voodoochild_generic.MIDI entrance music, and stand at the top of the ramp all pouty and smirking and such as... a really uncomfortable-looking guy in a police officer outfit meanders out, followed by an assload more police officer-looking guy. Apparently they're doing now what they didn't give enough of a shit to do last week or the week before and such. Eric Bischoff and Ric Flair for some reason pantomime putting handcuffs on Flair, then laugh and point at Angle. AUSTIN V MCMAHON THIS AIN'T. It's also not a pile of cheese being carved into a squishy dildo for one-time usage.
The camera goes to follow them ALL THE WAY OUT the door.
Random Commercial-area Thoughts: Why are there pseudo-Zulu African tribal warriors in a trailer for a movie on ancient Rome "The Eagle"?
Backstage, Karen Jarrett and Jarrett Jarrett come now, with the cameraguy ambushing them and such and asking and such and Jarrett like the REAL KURT ANGLE WILL BE EXPOSED TONIGHT! So then but... THEN WHO WAS RING ANGLE?!
Sarita w/ Jobber Non-entrance vs Velvet Sky vs Mickie James vs Madison Rayne
I don't fucking know what this match is. They obviously didn't fucking announce buttfuck anything about it, not even "her opponent" or "her partner" or anything for the four of them. Only when the bell ring does Fucking Mike Tenay say it's a NONTITLE four way match thing where they... fucking tag. They fucking tag in and out, despite the fact that only one person can win. Fuck. Velvet Sky and Mickie James push each other around, apparently arguing over who gets who first or some stupid shit. They wresu some, then give up and just attack the heels.
In the ring is Mickie James and Madison Rayne, because who gives a shit about tag rules when they put the fucking tag rules in the match anyway. Madison needlessly tags in Sarita after being dorpkicked by Mickie James, and they fight some, until Velvet Sky tags herself in, spears Sarita, and smushies her head against the mat. She then attacks Madison, and Sarita stomps hjer back and such, then some flippy toss moves on her that don't even resemble an actual wrestling move. Then she gets Velvet in the corner and does some generic stuff, then holds her against the ropes for a generic slap to the chesticles.
Irish whip REVARSED as Velvet Sky tilt-a-whirl headslingers her, and now Madison Rayne and Sarita in to work as a team, and Mickie James punches up Sarita and Velvet Sky goes to kick on Sarita while Mickie James flying clotheslines her. Irish whip Velvet Sky, and she catches Sarita in a wheelbarrow and... does just a terrible move. Not terrible as in botched, but terrible as in really poorly thought-out. She falls on her own ass, and fucking ARMDRAGS Sarita with her. Fall on your own ass. Do it. That does not feel good at all, no matter how fat you are, and you KNOW you are.
Now int he ring Madison Rayne goes to get neckbreakered by Mickie James. Apparently Earl Hebber is trying to get Velvet Sky off of Sarita, so that now Tara comes to hit Mickie James with her gross elbow-tumor cast, and Sarita and Velvet Sky fight some in the ring, while Madison uhh... grabs her glove... and sort of jacks it up and down. Mickie James renders the Tara interference completely useless by rolling up Madison after she fails to hit her with the glove, and gets her ass pinned in... some weird-ass way. Earl Hebner seemed to hesitate for some reason in counting to three and the end comes out terribly awkward.
WINNAR: Mickie James
Backstage bitching about Rob Van Dam and Anderson Anderson, Beer Money, with James Storm lifting beer bottles and Robert Roode pulling on rubber things. EIGHT OUNCE CURLS! James sips from one, and says SIX NOW HAHAHA get it? Tonight they get another opportunity with Anderson and Van Dam and prove why they are the greatest tag team in the world. Storm says he drinks a little beer and gets a little goofy, but like they say, it doesn't matter how a fight starts, just how it ends.
Elsewhere backstage, ORLANDO'S FINEST, Mike Tenay says... ORLANDO'S FINEST tasked with taking Kurtle away, and Kurt Angle still ends up right the fuck back in the arena backstage. ORLANDO'S FINEST.
Random Commercial-area Thoughts:
Backstage somewhere, OH NOESZ SECRET HIDDEN CAMERA SPYING ON SAMOA JOE TALKIGN TO RANDOM CHINAMAN WITH A VIDEO CAMERA TO DO HIS OWN STUFF.
Big Roid Terry comes out with Ric Flair, and Flair asks if there's a woman in this building who wouldn't wanna go home with this man. I'm not one for subtle, smirky jokes, so I say STEROIDS MAKE YOU BALLS SMALL. So yes, there is many womans who wouldn't. Especially since he looks like a roided Mike the Miz with an slight underbite. Ric Flair says he would take all three women standing in the front and HURT THEM at the same time WOO. SPIKE TV: VIOLENCE AGAINST WOMEN IS SEXY! Flair makes threats at Matt Morgan, and says this is like a college campus and Ric Flair is the president. Wut?
Matt Morgan vs Rob Terry
Carbonfootprint win the match literally before I finish typing the title
WINNAR: Matt Morgan
Ric Flair starts smacking on Morgan's tits afterwards, cos he all ANGRY or something. Morgan NOSELLS it and Morgan corners Ric Flair in the ring corner, and UNSURPRISINGLY someone comes to rescue Flair in the MONSTER form of Abyss. He starts weakly pounding on Matt Morgan. He abruptly stops hitting Morgan, and Morgan gets up to Discus Clothesline Abyss. Abyss and Big Roid start pounding on Morganite some, but then Morganite DOUBLE CLOTHESLINES them down. Matt Morgan is then taken down by a... something or other by Rob Terry onto Matt Morgan's foot, and he falls over and Terry weakly punches him up.
They double beatup on Matt Morgan and then pose as their MIDI music plays. TNA IS IN DEMAND as TNA goes around Europe and into Japan, all for almost 100 people in total! New Japan Pro Wrestling announced that 47,000 fans were in attendance on January 4th. No, not for a TNA event, it was an NJPW event, with some TNA stars randomly appearing. Durr. James Storm likes the beer in Japan.
Backstage somewhere, AJ Styles bitches at KAZ some, then Kaz leaves, and THE AMAZING CRIMSON randomly appears to choke AJ Styles and say THEY'RE COMING IN TWO WEEKS FEBRUARY 3rd! Main Event Mafia this ain't. I mean Immortal. I never said the memmy word.
Elsewhere backstage, Kurt Angle is STILL WANDERING AROUND! ORLANDO'S FINEST, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN! What kind of assclown police department do they have up there? Meanwhile, remember Shark Boy? Fuck no you don't.
X Division Championship
Jay Lethal vs KAAZ (C)
I didn't even realize Kaz was champion. It was two weeks ago, yes, but. Oh fuck it. And fuck you, too! Who are you? FUck you! Kaz diddles on the apron, being a jackass while Jay Lethal points at him some, and Kaz points back. Lethal then shoves the referee into the ropes and pulls Kaz in. He irish whips him, and generic back body drops him. Jay Lethal then punches him up against the ropes, an dirish whip again for an monkey drag flip over into a dropkick on KAAAAZ and KAAAAZ leaves the ring and just walks away like a fag. Jay Lethal follows him and catches him and grabs him and punches him up and gets into the ring and comes out and punches on him again.
They brawl on the outside, and Jay Lethal slides through the ring to break the count, and keep brawling with KAAZ on the outside, catching his kick attempt and clotheslining him down. He then rolls Kaz in, and springboard dropkicks on him and pin gets 2. Jay Lethal stands now with his hand out, and grabs Kaz, but Kaz punches his head and Lay falls away and such. KAAZ dropkicks him, and sits against the turnbuckle some. Lethal sits up and Kaz stands, and pulls Lethal up and punches him some. Irish whip and Lethal hops over him, handspring elbows back into Kaz and pin gets 2.
Lethal now holding KAZ's leg as Kaz clings to the bottom rope, and gets shoved away by Lethal who hits his Rock Bottom into a Backbreaker thing move he does. Then he points to the turnbuckle, and does a top rope jump onto him and pin gets 2. Lethal tries to pull KAAZ out of the ring, but Kaz pops him some, and gets back into the ring, while Lethal kind of shakes, then gets in and Sunset Flips Kaz in, and Kaz pinwins with the ropes for leverage.
Backstage, Anderson Anderson says in TWO WEEKS he gots to put the title on the line, but right now he's thinking about Beer Money. They gotta focus on what they gonna do tonight, focus on Beer Money and such. Rob Van Dam is with him and such. Oh hey, it's TOMMY DREAMER here. Completely at random stuffed into this match or something.
Meanwhile elsewhere backstage, MORE of Jarrett and Jarrett walking around backstage. And ELSEWHERE backstage, KURT ANGLE STILL WANDERING AROUND. Oh wait, apparently he WASN'T INSIDE the building, but he is now as SOMEONE OPENED THE DOOR FOR HIM~!
Random Commercial-area Thoughts: Has it been proven that commercials that up the annoying sell more stuff? What sort of sick twisted mind actually buys the products due to commercials that are as braying, loud, obnoxious, insulting to the intelligence and potentially offensive as possible?
Speaking of braying, loud, obnoxious, insulting to the intelligence and potentially offensive, out comes Jeff Jarrett and Karen Jarrett to the ring! By the way, it is now Saturday, as I passed out after 5 or 6 hours of watching the first half of this show, and had a dream that I was watching this show, and that even though it was advertised that Karen Jarrett would speak, the show ended without the Jarretts returning to the ring. It was a very good dream.
Instead, what we are witnessing before us is not only LOVELY WIFE AND A CARING MOTHER, but you're also witnessing someone who is just as beautiful on the inside as she is on the outside, says Jeff Jarrett, and that is saying a hell of a lot, given that she looks like a young, tight Vickie Guerrero or something. People chant "SLOPPY SECONDS" which I have no real comment towards, save for quiet malice and seething dislike of the TNA crowd. So Jarrett turns teh microphone over to her.
She had a presentation for "Y'ALL" this evening, but since arriving at the iMPACT Zone, she heard a few of the comments her PATHETIC exhusband made, and since she's supposed to be the heel, rather than forgiving and forgetting, she's gonna address them and such. She says that Jarrett IS part-owner of this company. Since when? This was the same guy shitcanned by Dixie Carter or someone, then brought back as JUST A WRESTLER, and then made just another midcard cannon-fodder of Immortal.
Now we go back to 1997 after Kurt Angle won his Olympic gold medal, when he was a lost little puppy who had nowhere to go. From behind, Kurt Angle suddenly appears and German Suplays Jeff Jarrett. He then ignores Karen, so she can pull on him and stand in front of him and such and they just stare at each other. She then slaps him, because that's TOTALLY what the BAD GUY does when the GOOD GUY sneak attacks her husband. Speaking of which, Jarrett then bops Kurtle in the crotch from behind, then removes his coat to punch Angle once, and then punch him again, then clothesline him down. Jarrett then gets on him and fakepunches him a bunch. Then they leave. Up at the top of the ramp, Jarrett is like POOR KURT hurrdurr and then says YOU LIKE THAT, TAZ? And Jeff says AN DON'T CUT YUR EYES AT ME!
Random Commercial-area Thoughts: I still can't get over Rush Limbaugh's shameless, despicable, criminal stealing of Stephen Colbert's character Ching Chong Ding Dong
Backstage, Kurt Angle punches on a trash can and tosses stuff around, just like he did last week, because he's a faildick who got shitkilled by Jeff Jarrett. Speaking of faildicks,
Tommy Dreamer vs Jeff Hardy
WINNAR: Jeff Hardy
Backstage, Kurt Angle wanders about, in full view of many people, whirling an OMG BLACK BASEBALL BAT around. SUBTLE REFERENCE? MEM? No matter the answer, it's guaranteed stupid. Speaking of stupid, his ass got arrested for trespassing earlier. Why the fuck is he still able to wander about even after getting in the ring and being buried by Jeff Jarrett? JEFF JARRETT IS IN IMMORTAL. ERIC BISCHOFF AND RIC FLAIR ARE IN IMMORTAL. ERIC BISCHOFF RUNS THE COMPANY. ERIC BISCHOFF GOT KURT ANGLE ARRESTED EARLIER. JEFF JARRETT CAN TALK TO ERIC BISCHOFF FREELY.
Backstage elsewhere, Pope just got back from Abu Dhabi and is talking on a shell phone while a SECRET HIDDEN CAMERA FOLLOWS HIM! Pope meets with some random guy backstage, and the camera guy just... stands in plain view right in the fucking doorway, REALIZES THIS, and moves back a bit, still in BLATANTLY OBVIOUS VIEW. Pope wants to use this random guy's computer for something. He's trying to prepare for these upcoming TNA live events and needs to make sure limos and hotel arrangements are made. The guy is like just gimme one sec and such he needs to use it. Pope says it's okay, he don't pass judgement etcetera, while the camera zooms in on POPE'S PHONE calling "TNA Brian"... and it turns out it's the guy right fucking next to him. He has Mickie James' shitty theme music for his ring.
He says Hello? and then moves off like I can't hear you I got bad reception, despite the fact that it's Pope's phone calling him, and Pope is right there, saying nothing. Pope then jacks his computer, muttering to himself like a street man.
Speaking of crazy street hobos, Ric Flair backstage yelling at AJ Styles, saying THEY attacked him. Flair points out the obvious that THEY IS US. Ric Flair apparently doesn't believe him. Despite both THIS and LAST WEEK'S attacks caught on camera.
This is why we can't have nice ratings, TNA. Speaking of fail, AJ Styles pulls his coat up from his chair and... gets iced by Ric Flair.
All of a sudden, Kurt Angle attacks AJ Styles from behind. OH HEY REMEMBER THAT, RIC? THE GUY YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO HAVE ARRESTED? Dumb fuck. Angle chokes Flair, and says he wants Jarrett at the next iMPACT, and it's not gonna be a wrestling match or an exhibition and if he doesn't show, he's coming after you, Flair.
Beer Money vs Rob Van Dam and Kennedy Anderson
Jay Bee needs speech lessons, to stop pronouncing it "Rob Van Tam". Match starts with Robert Roode and Rob Van Dam, and Roode punches him up in the corner. Then irish whip but Rob Van reverses, and runs at him in the corner to kick his back, then use his legs to bring Roode down and roll him up and pin gets 2 with legs alone. Then a standing moonsault pin gets 2. Rob Van tries a monkey flip thing but Roode catches him but Roode gets to the top rope, jumps over Roode and schoolboy pin gets 2. Shithead now tagged in, and Rob Van Dam kicks Roode, so Shithead can do a generic clothesline and pin gets 2. Because Anderson can't wrestle. Roode pops him in the guts, and tags in James Storm. Anderson Anderson abruptly nosells the injury and starts generic punching James Storm, then generic elbows him.
Now int he corner Anderson generic stomps and punches on James Storm in the corner. Storm runs at him and gets caught in a spinning neckbreaker and pin gets 2. Anderson Anderson irish whips Storm into the corner, then runs at him and James Storm moves aside. Rob Van Dam BETRAYS HIS PARTNER AND LIKELY TURNS HEEL by distracting the referee so Robert Roode and James Storm can killshit on him. That's the only logical response to that kind of pointless referee distracting by the victim's partner these days. Roode then tags in Storm and he punches down Shithead.
Storm then smooshes his shit head into the second turnbuckle, and try to REARRANGE THE FACIAL FEATURES OF ANDERSON ANDERSON! Says The Taz. Anderson Anderson generically punches on Storm, but Storm shoves him back in and moves to the other turnbuckle to run at shithead, only to be generically back body dropped onto the apron, and James Storm kicks him in the head. HURRDURR OBLIGATORY CONCUSSION REFERENCE. Robert Roode runs in to punch Rob Van Dam, and Dam runs in to be pushed back by the referee as Robert Roode kills on Anderson some and a pin gets 2.
Now headlock onto Anderson's shit head. They stand now and fight some, and Anderson Anderson tries his shitty Mic Check, but Robert Roode shoves him away. Very sloppy thing by Anderson sort of stumbling out of Roode's grasp after an irish whip, and then a generic DDT onto Robert Roode. Rob Van Dam gets taggeed in and he beats up on James Storm who is also tagged in some, with loads of kicks and such. Robert Roode goes to be back body dropped by Rob Van, and he gets to the top rope to kick James Storm down. He then goes to try a Rolling Thunder, but Robert Roode catches him up, and James Storm does a backcracker on him and pin gets 2.
Beer Money now double suplex attempt on Rob Van but ANDERSON ANDERSON slides in to pull Rob Van back down and now RObert ROode brawls with Anderson Anderson while James Storm and Rob Van Dam wrestle some in the ring, and Van Dam gets a spinning enzuigiri thing on Storm's head. He goes to the top rope, kicks off a Robert Roode, then Five Star Frog Splashes him, while OMFG JEFF HARVEY RUNS DOWN and referee JACKSON JAMES just leaves the ring to go and yell at him and push on him, when suddenly the screen is blocked by a big blue blob, and MATT HARDY in with a Twist of Weight on Rob Van and James Storm pinwins.
WINNAR: Beer Money
Since that was a main event match and we have no more tonight, obviously we need MOAR BACKSTAGE ANTICS, this time with The Brian Kendrick espousing VVISDOM to BULLY Ray, saying ANGER MANAGEMENT will do nothing for him Brother Ray. He says BULLY RAY, get it right, Bully Ray. But The Kendrick is here to help him. The only thing that helped Brian Kendrick was Kundalimi (phonetic spelling) Yoga to realign his Chakras and such. Bully Ray is not amused! But he tries anyway, with the breathing in. He tells Brian Kendrick to try it again for him, do it again, eyes closed, and then shoves The Brian into The Lockers all madlike.
Backstage after commercials, Ric Flair bitches at Jeff Jarrett for not TAKING CARE of Kurt Angle. Jarrett should be bitching at Ric Flair and Eric Bischoff for not TAKING CARE of Kurt Angle with the fucking police. But Bischoff reassures them He got it, so GO TO THE RING, because the wrestling is over, it's tiem for talking bullshit!
ANd so... Brother Devon walks to the ring, without music accompaniment. He says Buh Buh, Bully Ray, you back there pushing people into lockers, well let's do it this way, let's finish what he started so he can continue doing what he was doing and that was whupping yo ass. Because he's white, BULLY Ray gets a full entrance thing with music and all. Bully Ray just points and yells at Devon from the top of the ramp, and slowly descends it, saying for Devon to come out here to fight him. BULLY Ray just stands around all like I'M OUT HERE! and such. All of a sudden, THE BRIAN KENDRICK runs down the ring to attack Bully Ray, with his bathrobe flying off and in just his underwear.
Somehow Bully Ray ends up in the ring and Devon attacks him. BULLY Ray then gets his steel chain on his belt to use as a weapon, but Devon just punches him down, when all of a sudden THE GUYS WHO SHOULD HAVE BEEN HOLDING DOWN KURT ANGLE AND ESCORTING HIM OUT OF THE BUILDING RUNS DOWN TO GRAB ON DEVON FOR NO REASON! Bully Ray beats them all up, then goes to beating up Devon. TNA! We don't give a shit about guys trespassing on our property assaulting people, but we send SIX SECURITY GUARDS to stop a black man from beating up on a guy who answered his call for a fight.
BULLY Ray puts Devon's head in a chair, and hits it with his steel chain thing. This was SO GOOD AND SO POINTFUL, it was a GOOD THING it happened AFTER the LAST MATCH OF THE NIGHT. Speaking of which, the Kurt Angle Jeff Jarrett confrontation is NEXT! Again?
Random Commercial-area Thoughts: The footage in the trailer for "Sanctum" looks almost exactly like that from "The Descent". Also, the title makes me think of Santorum
Speaking of which, now int he ring with Kurt Angle standing there, crouching, waiting on Jeff Jarrett. Why are we watching this CONFRONTATION thing AGAIN? How much do they have to sell the "Angry Shitheaded Face vs Cowardly Heel" dealy just tonight alone?! Jarrett pussies out, and sends Gunna and Murph Murph against Kurt Angle, who punches them up. Kurt Angle beats up on one, then the other attacks him from behind. Maybe they should have like big frilly T-shirts with different colors with their names on it so you know which is which. They already have one guy with a beard and another without. All they need is the frilly T-shirts to distinguish them. I would not bet even a tiny sum of money on which one is Gunner and which is Murphy.
Jeff Jarrett comes down now all COWARDLY HEEL to punch up on ANgle, until he accidentally clotheslines one of the goonies, and then Angle takes advantage of it and then grabs Jarrett from behind, laying on top of him, choking him, and thrusting his hips into Jarrett's lower back. Karen Jarrett comes out to squeal, and Immortal takes their fucking time in coming out one by one to beat up on ANgle. Matt Hardy also saw fit to change his clothes for no reason.
SOME STUPID SHITHEADED BITCH KEEPS SHOUTING "BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO" OVER AND OVER IN THE SAME BLINDINGLY MONOTONOUS TONE THAT IT'S MAKING ME WANT TO START PUNCHING PEOPLE AT RANDOM AND SHOUT "NOBODY FUCKS WITH THE JESUS"
And now out comes Abyss, his arms outspread, looking all crazy. He then suddenly falls down, and Janice is stuck in his back. It's like such a fucking cartoon. How the fuck do you take it seriously? From behind, THE AMAZING CRIMSON appears in a black suit with a red tie and red vest underneath the coat and a red pocket stuffer thing. He shouts THEY'RE COMING! Ric Flair says WE'RE ALREADY HERE! Which is exactlyu what I would say, no joke, because if their pack of Mafiosi are too damn drunk to come up with an intro phrase of their own, fuck them. The Taz then wonders WHAT DID CRIMSON DO WITH JANICE TO ABYSS? My guess, given that we already saw Janice stuck into his back as if someone hit him with her; he used Kung Fu mind powa to have Abyss do a spinning backflip in the air, then he kicked a badger at Janice, knocking Janice into Abyss's back. AMAZING!
TNA YAY: The mindblowing level of stupidity this week was so incredibly mindblowing it blew my mind, then blew some other things.
TNA BOO: Why the fuck is Tommy Dreamer randomly appearing on my screen for pointless, unadvertised squash matches?
TNA WTF: 2/3/11! THEY'RE COMING... NOT "THEY" BUT A TOTALLY DIFFERENT "THEY" BECAUSE THE OLD "THEY" IS NOW JUST "IMMORTAL" AND THE NEW "THEY" IS SOMETHING TOTALLY NEW!
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Andariel Halo is a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. She can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. She translates ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees. Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, Andy once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. Children trust her. She knows the exact location of every dairy item in the supermarket. She has performed covert operations for the CIA. She's in bed every day, but sleeps once a week, OH! The laws of physics do not apply to her. One time, she shot her friend in the back of the head with a BB gun, and placed all blame on him.
THE TWF "MENTAL WELLNESS TEST!"
With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).