On the news front... who watched Raw or ECW? Not I? Yes, not I. Why not? Why would I?
The following persons are hacks and/or lazy bastards with no talent, to be labeled whichever with an H or a FAG.
James Swift HFAG
Cameron Burge HFAG
Hans Zimmer H(But your music is epic anyway)
Now, to the TNA sorts of subject.
Recap of the last time I did the job. My final analysis was that it was an inferior show to Raw, yet upon retrospect, I realize Raw had utter shit aside from Bret Hart. And somehow that was enough for me to declare it superior. My hypothesis is that TNA went balls-to-the-walls all-out in bringing in NEW! people... almost all of which are former WWE or former WCW hackjobs and wrestlers. And somehow, almost all of the newcomers (except for the Nasty Boys) were a far greater and more welcome surprise than Hulk Hogan.
RAW had Bret Hart come, make amends with Shawn Michaels, and leave a door open for a potentially Worst of Until Wrestlemania series with Vince McMahon. And that was somehow better than TNA's Nitro reunion.
Oh hey, TNA has introduced it's own pair of THOSE GUYS to match up Neilius's horrors on ECW
Generation Me (there's two of them, by the way) vs the Motor City Machine Guns
Let me tell you a painfully pointless story. A long long time ago, when Headbangers Ball returned on MTV(2), they aired a music video by some hack piece of shit band called The Black Dahlia Murder, and they were all like fucking kids, none looked over 25, all wearing the exact same black pants, black Hot Topic rock band T-shirts, and sporting the same identical short hair cuts. All the guitarists and bassist and singer stood in a straight line, and all headbanged in exactly the same way. You could practically smell the stink of tool off of all of them.
Well I just had a sober acid trip now as I saw THOSE GUYS jump into the ring, looking exactly the same (except for hair color), jumping into the ring in the exact same way, and right I imagined the Black Dahlia fags standing in a line, conforming to each other.
BLACK HAIRED GUY starts with Chris Satan, and they arm wrench and such and again, then flippy, then Sabin toe holds the guy, tags in Shelley, and he works on GUY's arm. They irish whip him, and double team stuff by the Murder guns. OTHER GUY then jumps off the top rope to get kicked in the guts like a pussy bitch faggot. Chris Sabin punchies up on THAT GUY, then slams his face into Robot Shelley's foot. He then headlock snapmares, then headlocks him.
Zero offense by THOSE GUYS thus far? I think so! Just when That guy seemed to be doing something, Shellith kicks him. And just as he's about to get some sort of offense in, OMFG SCREEN SPLIT AND THE nWo IS BACKSTAGE! When we return, THAT GUY gets shitkicked, only to get a turnbuckle move on him. The Taz then says they'v ebeen looking pretty good here. If by "pretty good" you mean "jobberiffic" then I suppose they are pretty good.
Something happened where Shelley ends up out of the ring. OTHER GUY somehow is in, does an X Factor on Sabin, and tries to pin gets 2. Now they try to double team Sabin, but SILLY FAGGOTS, you can't double team the Murder people! He boots one, then owns them both until their double teaming shenanigans pays off in some sort of double team neckbreaker. Pin gets 2. The Taz then makes a shooty reference all "Who are these Young Bucks? Huhhuh!" SEE GET IT? COS THEY ARE A TAG TEAM CALLED "THE YOUNG BUCKS" BUT THEY'VE BEEN GIVEN A SHITTY ASS TNA NAME!
They then do some kind of move on Shelley where one of them jumps off the top rope and the other does a standing moonsault so they both land on him at the same time. Pin gets 2, Sabin breaks it up, Shellith starts dorminating, and Sabin springboard clotheslines OTHER GUY away. THAT GUY gets kicked by Sabin, then double team with THA GUNZ and such. Pin gets 2, OTHER GUY breaks it up, then just to show how pointless he was, Sabin throws his ass out of the ring. Then he decides to jump into him.
Somehow, THAT GUY and OTHER GUY are in the ring with Shellithj, they do something where it looks like THAT GUY might kick OTHER GUY in the face, but he moves and THAT GUY kicks Shellith in the face. Then they do a 450 splish, then a moonsault, and win.
WINNARS: THOSE GUYS
Speaking of fat pieces of shit, the Nasty Boys have shit all over the Dudley Boys' lockerroom. It's full of trash and garbage, and the non-blonde guy shit in the bathroom floor. The Dudley Boys here knock on the door and the fat pieces of shit laugh and mock them through the door. I mean, the fat pieces of shit with no talent. I mean, the has-been fatties. I mean... the one without a black guy! Damn.
Random Commercial-area Thoughts: I don't really come from outer space. It's a condition called mental divergence. I find myself on the planet Ogo, part of an intellectual elite, preparing to subjugate the barbarian hordes on Pluto. But even though this is a totally convincing reality for me in every way, nevertheless Ogo is actually a construct of my psyche. I am mentally divergent, in that I am escaping certain unnamed realities that plague my life here. When I stop going there, I will be well.
Video package with Hulk Hogan shilling AJ Styles and Kurt Angle, and says this will be Angle's last shot. He then shills ANOTHER surprise coming of someone who has signed on with TNA and such. SPOILER ALERT: It's Mister Ken-don't say "nedy"- Anderson. TNA WORLD TITLE REIGN, HERE WE COME... COME.
Speaking of speech, here is Kurt Angle all dressed up in a suit and such. People stand and clap and such and Kurt Angle begins to speak. He seeks to give credit to AJ Styles wherein credit is indeed due and on time. He says that AJ Styles indeed proved by his victory in September that his title reign such thing was indeed not a horizontally flattened fish found in coastal lagoons and estuaries of the Northern Atlantic and Pacific.
He indeed gave AJ everything he had. He gave things to AJ until AJ had thigns and Kurt Angle had no things. He then claims that Styles was indeed the superior person with the greater objects in his posession for one night only (LIVE ON PPV!), but wherein the true person who can be the greater person is the one person who fags out and manages to steal a shitty screwjob win of the title. To count: 4 month title reign with many hard-fought 5 star match defenses < One-time fluke win. You heard it first.
AJ Styles then begins to walk down the rampway, turns left, and goes up the stairs so as to duck down and enter the ring starting with his right leg, then hoisting himself inside. He then shows his shiny gold belt to the camera, and people chant his name as the time has come for words to be spoken in each other's direction. AJ 'necks it up with his rednecky accent. It's not that it's Southern, it's that it's horrible. AJ says if they had a bunch of matches, AJ would have won some, and Kurt would have won some.
Kurt Angle hath never heard of Pyrrhus of Epirus, who technically never lost a battle against Rome, and yet got his ass SHITKICKED by them. Look up "Pyrrhic Victory" dood. Wha twas it he said? "Another such victory and I am lost!" And then he scored another such victory. And he was lost.
Angle says he only needs one more shot to win the title and such, and they hug.
WAI WAI WAIT WAIT WAIT WAIT! That man in black who was a total Big Lipped Alligator Moment last week has appeared now to beat on AJ Stylesz. He ambushed him ont he ramp, then decapitates him in the ring with a clothesline. THe thing comes off and it's TYSON TOMKO! I TOTALLY NEVER SAW THIS COMING SOME WEEKS AGO.
Random Commercial-area Thoughts: The only reason people care about the Conan O'Brien and Jay Leno controversy is because they're both terrible and unfunny, and they want to see one or the other off their TV, or pushed back to a later time.
Christy Hemme is happy to see the nWo, when Bubba the Sponge full of Love juice arrives to throw her ass out and Homo it up with his buddies, while not even looking at them while asking his question. Kevin Nash says the band's back together, and they have new material. Bubba only cares about where Mick Foley is. Scott Hall is all like what happens in the band stays in the band, which not only doesn't answer the question but it has nothing to do with Mick Foley who ISN'T in the band. As always, the very Random Commercial-area Thoughts: I would risk calling "Avatar" the worst movie ever made solely due to it's immensely overrated nature. Change some names in the script for Disney's "Pocahantas" and Costner's "Dances With Wolves" and you have "Avatar"
Jay Bee knocks on Hulk Hogan's door, which Eric Bischoff's office is in. He's on the phone, then talks to Bore Ass, who needs answer on Mick Foley. Jay Bee is all trying to say how he understands what happened to Foley cos he threatened Bischoff and such. Bischoff then says Jay Bee let him in, by being a meek, timid little shit. Bischoff says he should go find him because he doesn't have a FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF rigging clue, and he could care even less. He then threatens Bore Ass with death or firing even if he does this kind of thing again.
Beer Money comes in all of a sudden. They don't have a problem with Bischoff and Hogan, but they have a problem with the nWo, his boys. Bischoff is like "what makes you think they're my boys?" and Beer Money says they're the best tag team and they don't appreciate being TNA guys jumped from behind in a TNA arena on a TNA show by WCW guys. Eric then wonders what James Swift is drinking, takes his beer and drinks from it, then is all like "I'll get back to you on that" regarding Hall and Nash, then steals his beer.
It's not even real beer! It's got a James Storm logo pasted on it.
Consequences Lethal vs ---
Bobby Lindsay randomly attacks the other black people and gets int he ring all spinebustering Apollo Creed. Because this is exactly what you do when you quit? He then steals Faarooq's finisher like he did in 2007 by doing a Domintator on Apollo Creed in the ring. THe referee's all like "wtf!" and Bobby Lindsay walks at him and makes him run. Kristal Lashy gets on the microphone to be all like "I still haven't met with MISTER Hogan" and says that until then, every member of the TNA roster will be destroyed one by one. So the WCW guys are fine, right?
Because we're apparently all fucking retarded, The Taz needs to clarify for us that the "Eric" she was talking about is Eric Bischoff. OMFG REALLY?
Consequences Lethal vs Team 3D
The Dudley Boys come out with a fucking Axe. FMW AHOY! The match then starts and they 3D Apollo Creed. Pin.
WINNARS: Team 3Dicles
The white guy says shut the music off and gets a microphone and be all like "last week" they wrestled in the Tokyo Dome in front of 50,000 people, and the Japanese press filled the room wanting to talk to them, and the first thing out of their mouth: WAKATASHI-KUUN INDANYAMO TOTARU NONSTOPPUKU WRESU!? Or something. They had to tell them that the NAAAASTY BOYS showed up in TNA. That's how he pronounced it. And the Japanese press apparently had nothing better to do than tell the Team 3D that the Nasty Boys broke up their lockerroom on a Z-rate wrestling show.
Wait, isn't Team 3D supposed to be the heels? And they're being cheered as they shit on the Nasty Boys and Hulk Hogan. He says they're coming back to kill some beached whales with an axe. FMW AHOY!
Backstage, Bruther starts cutting down the door with the axe, then kicks it open easily. They're like "what the hell is that smell?" when they're attacked from behind by a half-ton of bitch. They beat on them with weapons, with the fattest one throwing stuff on Devon and panting like he's just wrestled 15 minutes with TAKA Michinoku. They then shove Devon into a locker. They scream semi-coherently at them, and throw beer on them.
Random Commercial-area Thoughts: There was this guy, and he was always requesting shows that had already played. Yes. No. You have to tell her before. He couldn't quite grasp the idea that the charge nurse couldn't make it be yesterday. She couldn't turn back time.
Coming out now is someone with a music video made up entirely of a person fueling their car, an oil derrick, and a scantily clad woman bending over doing something. That, of course, means Val Venis! Or as he's called here, Sean Morely. I shudder in disgust and feel like I'm 60 suddenly. He says he used to make his living with a different kind of TNA. blaaaaargh. He required to use a stage name, and he's a brand new man, and he's gone from doing his thing in front of the camera to become a director and producer and online distributor of some of the most creative, cultured, and dramatic films ever made.
Super closeup of a girl in the audience just staring. Total blank apathy and/or restrained horror on her face.
He realized TNA was poised to explode. EJACULATION INNUENDO. But they were missing an element---a film division. Of course, WWE is doing so amazingly well in that regard. He says he will be creating films that will be works of art. He then stabs at WWE like Captain Stabbin, saying his films will not go straight to video.
Speaking of bald guys, here be Christopher Daniels, all smug and smiling and such. Christopher says he wants to come out and be the first to welcome him to the new day in TNA. And he is loving TNA films idea, so he wanted to come out and pitch a screenplay idea to him. It has an honorable hero type who encounters a fast-talking sleazebag, they do business, they have a titanic struggle, there's a couple of M Night Shyamalan twists and turns, then at the end, the sleazebag ends up in the gutter where he belongs, and Christopher Daniels STO's Val Venis, then standing Rock Bottoms him after a bunch of stomping. Then a Bowel Movement Extreme. Oh snapsz.
He then tells the audience to keep their mouths shut, and is all like "You wanna bring art to TNA? Over my dead body, Sean! I don't know who you know here or how you got in mah building, but you can take your brand of crap and get ouf of my company! You offend me! Every word out of your mouth makes me sick! I didn't get fired from this company, fight my way back, claw my way to the top, to let someone like YOOOU stink up my building with your version of 'art'" etcetera, "let me show you how we deal in scum with TNA!" then gets himself punched and attacked by Sean Morley. loloops. He leaves.
Video package for Tara and ODB. Tara's gotten old and lazy.
Backstage is Jeff Jarrett with a lawyer or something. You can tell because he has a suit!
Random Commercial-area Thoughts: Sorry. Uh, sorry. I, I, I got a little agitated. The thought of, uh, escape had crossed my mind, and then suddenly - suddenly - suddenly I felt like bending the fucking bars back, and ripping out the goddamn window frames and eating them - yes, *eating* them! Leaping, leaping, leaping! Colonics for everyone! All right! You dumbasses. I'm a mental patient. I'm *supposed* to act out! Wait'll you morons find out who I am! My father's gonna be really upset, and when my father gets upset, the ground SHAKES! My father is God! I worship my father!
Matt Morgan and Hernandez vs Alcoholic Currency
Hernandez and James Storm start. But rather than give you painfully play by play commentary, let me tell you a story. This is the story of Mike Awesome, aka "Suicide", from TNA iMPACT! Mike Awesome was shot and beat up and thrown into Mexico, even, by a bunch of TNA wrestlers. Using magical Mexican surgery, the 5'8", 140 pound Suicide became 6'6" 300 pound Mike Awesome. Awesome wrestled in Mejico, slam-crashing Mexicans with so much ease.
Then he illegally crossed the border into Texass, where he wrestled a bunch of chucklefucks. He also wrestled a morbidly obese guy who wore clown makeup, had a mohawk, and called himself "Benny" or some shit. Mike Awesome beat the fucking shit out of Benny so bad, he broke Benny's ribs, his pelvis, his skull, his nose, his wrist, and his cocyx. Despite this, Benny countered a punch and a slap, hit his finisher, and pinned him for three.
Then cames James Storm, who is ironically wrestling here. And then he was a TNA superstar.
WINNAR: No one by disqualification.
The nWo comes out after that DASTARDLY ENDING to that match I totally covered. Beer Munny beat up on X Pac, but then Kebong Nash slugs Roode to a halt as he pushes him into a turnbuckle for SLOW MOTION ACTION. But now the nWo beats on them, with X Pac kicking on Robert Roode, and James Swift gets beaten up by the rest. TNA referee and securities come by to hold them up and such. Some random and generic music plays and OH MY GOD IT'S ERIC BISCHOFF WITH A MICROPHONE. You know what that means---commercials!
Random Commercial-area Thoughts:
Now that we've returned, we get Eric Bischoff's words for Beer Money... which happened during the commercial break! JEE THANKS NON-LIVE TNA SHIT!
Anyway, he's in the ring now, all like "I just don't know what I'm going to do with you" to the nWo, and "What am I gonna do with you guys?" and such. He could only think of one thing that makes sense to him---firing them! No wait, making a match between Beer Money vs the nWo, Scott Hall and Kevin Nash. Great match? Or the GREATEST match?
Speaking of nonsensical bullshit, Sting is randomly up in the rafters, and Mike Tenay says "Whoa whoa whoa, look, Taz, up in the rafters!" And as soon as he finishes the word, it goes off to a video package of Tomko.
Random Commercial-area Thoughts: You have my word as a marine biologist that "The Spy Next Door" is the best movie of the decade.
Desmond "Piece of fucking shit who sucks fucking cock and is a boring little fucking shit" Wolfe vs Yosefhos of Samoa
His Holy Darkness Pope Blackadictus I is at the commentary table, making it a little prettier. They lock up, Joe tosses the boring piece of shit into the turnbuckle and punches him up a bunch, then stomps on him. Because British people are acceptable targets of hate. Irish whip on Desmoy, then an ENZUIGIRI to his bald ugly head. Joe shoves his foot on Desmoy, but Desmoy gains control with a European uppercut, then runs at him to get powerslammed.
Joe slams Fail onto the turnbuckle, then chops him, then gets him in a choke from behind but Fail puts him on the trunucbkle then does his fail-run thing and Joe Rock Bottoms him. Joe now punching up on Fail, who has gotten no offense in, and I approve, because undoubtedly it would involve wristlocks and armbars. He then goes and gets the offense, does a The Rock-style DDT thing (like from WWF Attitude) and such. He then puts Joe on the turnbuckle to do his fag-run thing and does it.
Fail whips Joe again, then runs at him and politely smacks into Joe's fat elbow. He runs and hits his ugly bald head on Joe's stomach to keep him from jumping at him. He then tries for his failure of a finisher, but Joe shows him what a failure he is by getting a choke on him from behind, but this undoubtedly gets him in a Fail of Fail finsiher and Desmond Fail somehow wins despite being in control for maybe 10% of the match. TNA iMPACT! THE VIDEO GAME IN ACTION!
He then shittalks on the Pope and such, and the Pope clearly is not angry or anything. He's preaching, and Fail gets smacked down by the Pope's superior trash talking.
Limo arrives with Ric Flair, hopefully to do some more standing at the ramp to watch a match and leaving before it's done.
Random Commercial-area Thoughts: AAAAAAAAAAARHGIHGBUBBHBHGBHGBHGBALAAAAGHGHghg...
...HBAHBGHGBHBBUBUBUBUBUBUBUU PIIIIPIPIPIPIPIPIPIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII FRWSITRPIWTET FLLLLLLLLLLFLLLLFLFLFLIFKFKLLFLFFFFF FJAJFJFFF JAAAAAAAAAAAAA FAAARRAFAAA
bACKSTAGE, Jeff Jarrett burst sinto Hogan's office and shoves all the stuff off his desk all "AAAHM DOIN THA TALKIN" and such. He tells Bischoff to take a seat, instead of sitting on the table. Jarrett has to talk about his company, the company he founded and carried and such and bluhbluhdeebluh, and Jarrett SHOWS HIS TRUE COLORS by going totally off the balls sudden heel turn by saying "Those young guys they ain't worth a damn, never have been, never will be! THERE AIN'T ENOUGH TALENT IN THIS ORGANIZATION TO FILL A COFFEE CUP! IT'S ME, IT'S ALWAYS BEEN ME!" and he brought his Attorney.
Hulk Hogan's like "what character are you?" and JArrett's like "I got a ton of character right here" He's like "AH FAOUNDED--" but Eric Bischoff is like STOP! STOOOP! I'm sick and tired of hearing you bluh bluh dee bluh, and Jarrett's all angry-pants. The facts: Jarrett and Jarrett started TNA, and would have been out of business in three weeks if it weren't for Dixie Carter. She put in the money and time and investments, and he's conned everybody from fans to talent to Carter.
Bischoff says take your con down the street, or lace up your boots and wrassle. Jarrett then tells him to sit down and shut up, completely and utterly ignoring everything Bischoff just said to keep bitching at Hogan the same stuff. Hogan freaks out at some point, perhaps at being called Bozo, and Hogan's like "there's nothing in my contract that says I can't kick your hillbilly ass" and Jarrett uses the Jew as a human shield as he leaves.
We get a rundown of the thing, featuring the prestige of the X Division title... being defended against "???" HERE IS YOUR NEW X DIVISION CHAMPION: ???
Ric Flair gets an "Also Sprach Zarathustra" done on an electric guitar. He then comes out, undoubtedly to eat up time and carpet to relieve me from the STRAIN of handling SUCH A CATACLYSMICALLY AWESOME MATCH of Tomko vs AJ Styles.
Random Commercial-area Thoughts: Penis
TNA World Champion AJ Styles (C) vs Tyson Tomko
Haha, Mike Tenay gets pushed onto the little baby seat as Ric Flair takes his spot at the table. Too good for 'em, I say! Also, rather than let Jay Bee earn his paycheck being a tool and announcing pointless stats like this is boxing, AJ attacks Tyson. He then bops him int he face on the outside, and punchies him up. He slams Tyson's arm on the outside of the turnbuckle, and punchies him up on the turnbuckle now.
ALL OF THE SUDDEN, A WHOLE NOTHER PERSON COMES OUT and it's Kurt ANgle, looking smug and evil and smiling. AJ dorpkicks a sitting Tomko in the face, then notices Angleite. He then gets tossed through the second rope by Tyson Tomko, and Kurt ANgle comes to shake hands with Ric Flair and hug him. Then he goes to leave and head for the ring.
Also, I forgot to mention on commercials, but Charlie Daniels plays a MEAN fiddle. GOddamn mean fiddle, motherfucker. He's the best there's ever been. Tomko chops up on AJ's chest, and AJ suckerpunches his gut, then starts bopping him in the face, and runs around only to get BOOT to the face. Pin gets 2.
Oh hey, it's my chance.
Random Commercial-area Thoughts: Charlie Daniels plays a MEAN fiddle. GOddamn mean fiddle, motherfucker. He's the best there's ever been.
WHen we come back, Tomko is choking on AJ on the ground and such, then booting him and stretching him on the bottom rope. Then he wanders away, and returns slowly so AJ can punc him in the guts, and slide off his back and Enzuigiri, then OMFG PELE~!!!11 and pins for a win.
WINNAR: AJ Styles
lulz, not even a finsher for Tomko. AJ tries to beat up on him, but Tomko starts beating on him, so Kurt Angle comes in to beat off Tomko. HAHAHAAAA... beat off. Angle does the cliche "I'm a respectful guy and I'mma give you your belt and shake your hand" while AJ's all like "I'm the rough and tumble young kid who is sick of your shit and I'mma walk away from you" and Ric Flair's all like "I'm the old teacher guy who rises and smiles at the two of you"
And then it was demons.
Uppers: Mike Awesome. He could really hang with the best of them.
Downers: The rest of it.
TNA "Creative" Award for "Creativity": TNA'S VERSION OF A "HELL IN A CELL" AND/OR "ELIMINATION CHAMBER" MATCH... ENDS IN A FUCKING DISQUALIFICATION!?
You've just been Halonic Death Ray'd, and like I say every week, if I'm not back within two or three weeks, consider me dead.
Feedback if you want: email@example.com
THE TWF "MENTAL WELLNESS TEST!"
With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).