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TNA IMPACT
REPORT
(01/13/11)
by ANDARIEL HALO
 
Cameron Disco Inferno won the TWF writer of the year thing! Well, obviously! He has RAW to recap, and he's probably sober, and smart, and sane, and intelligent, and has stupendous dick-sucking lips and a car to drive up to Canada with Scarless. Or maybe that's just my interpretation, based on his pulling rank for being around longer than any of the other hacks who do the recaps, particularly that idiot who pukes up the weekly TNA recap.

Speaking of idiots pulling rank and puking up shit on a weekly basis, TNA iMPACT! where the recap video from Genititis shows Jarrett beating Kurt Angle in a DOUBLE M A thing. Because Kurt Angle is TOTALLY THE FACE HERE he says he promised to retire if he lost, but since JARRETT beat him, he didn't really technically lose, nor did he win, so he's not gonna retire.

Because that's TOTALLY what the hero does! "Well, even though the other guy ran past the goal line ahead of me in the race, I really didn't technically 'lose' because I got some dust in my eye" Isn't this the same sportentertainment where they scream THIS AIN'T BALLET until it has the same effect on you as THIS IS SPARTA?

Also, LOVELY to see that they trust Anderson so much less than they trust a drug addict and convicted felon by NOT having him beat Meth Hardy clean, and having Matt Morgan killshit Hardy outside the ring while the referee plays with Anderson's hair. Or were they going for an ECW Barely Legal-type ending thing? Because Anderson Anderson does not equal Terry Funk. Motherfucker does not even equal fucking Stevie Richards or Sandman. Speaking of which, WHAT GIVES STEVIE?! Getting yourself released moments after the FANNY award bearing his name has him kind of win it. Tis like Gaius Marius, with his record SEVENTH Consulship (Ancient Roman equivalent of President or Prime Minister) and ended up dying two weeks into it.

Anderson says the title belt he displays here is NOT the TNA World championship, but a piece of shit Jeff Hardy drew on it. That's funny. He then delights us with the image of inserting a crayon up his ass and drawing a better picture. That's a $10,000 piece of shit, by the way, that TNA shilled out just for a convicted drug felon. We should all be so lucky to have employers who care so much. Fucking thing actually looks like the MCP from Tron.

EARALIAR TODAY a BLACK MAN opens up a limo to let out WHITE JEFF JARRETT. Boy, the evidence is really piling up. Karen Jarrett also came with him.

Despite shitting a crayon on a piece of paper thing, Anderson still comes out with the MCP belt, because dammit they spent over 9000 dollars on it and they ain't gonna ditch that shit just because a fuckhead like Kennedy won. Speaking of which, he keeps saying FRICKIN and it's annoying me. He talks about how he busted his ass, etcetera, PAID HIZ DOOOZ and such, and he got hired by the company OVER THERE. BOOOOOOO, yeah BOOOOOO them for putting on a more intellectually stimulating and honorable product than this one that gets triple the ratings. Anderson Anderson Anderson Anderson Anderson Anderson Anderson Anderson Anderson says he beat a bunch of world champions and such and he was set to be world champion, but then says a LITTLE BIRDY got inside the boss's head, AND HE SAID:

Hey, uhhh, hissss, I think uh Kenny might be a little too funny, uhhh I don't think he's ready for it.

 

SO EVERYTHING THAT GOT HIM TO THE DANCE HERE IN TNA, he was told NOT to do. He was told not to talk, not to dress, not even to chew gum on the way to the ring, which he then shitheadedly shows the gum in his mouth now, chomping on. Yeah, Kennedy, they say that so you don't end up CHOKING TO FUCKING DEATH ON IT when you take a fucking bump, or end up spitting it at the guy you're wrestling. But hey, whatever! Who cares about things like health and safety? It's TNA, dude! We put a drug addict and convicted felon as our LEADING ICON AND CHAMPION! Also, I'm pretty sure his current bitch-gimmick is no different from his WWE gimmick, minus the use of mild obscenities. MILD.

So Ken got a call from ERIC BISCHOFF who said he understands what he went through, what's in his mind, etcetera, we bring you here, take the training wheels off, and let you be YOU. They're just lucky he hasn't broken Matt Morgan or AJ Styles' face yet. He then says and Eric Bischoff and Hulk Hogan and Dixie Carter and Vince Russo allowed him to be the shithead he is today. Really, when was the last time they DIDN'T allow some random asshole to be a jackass on TV? And as testament to their judgement, this asshole is now champion. There's another ASHHOLE he has to thank, too; Matt Morgan.

I don't know what fucking booze-hounding, weed-swilling frat this guy rolled out of, but where I come, calling people asshole is an INSULT. And I'm pretty sure it would be treated the same way everywhere. Morgan comes out, quite mad-looking, and all ready to resu. He's angry-face. Anderson says all Morgan stepped up when he needed him the most, so for that he say thanks pal. Meaning he won your fucking match for you.

Morgan then ANGRILY says the ONLY REASON HE'S WEARING THE TITLE AROUND HIS WAIST NOW (prompting a SHITHEAD comment from the fuckass 'it's not on my waist' since its over his shoulder. Fucking cunt) is because I LET MYSELF DOWN this past Sunday. So for the past week, he couldn't SLEEP, COULDN'T EAT, wondering when's the NEXT OPPORTUNITY to get a shot at the title! But one of the things he knows he damn sure respects about him is being a strqaight shooter, as Morgan does them, THUS SIMULTANEOUSLY BULLSHITTING THAT STATEMENT FOR BOTH MEN, GIVEN THAT ANDERSONSAN HAS BULLSHITTED ABOUT HIS BEING MEDICALLY CLEARED, AND MORGAN KNOWS IT AND HAS CALLED HIM OUT ON IT IN THE PAST.

 

For the past nine years, Morgan has busted stuff to do whatever he can to not just be a good pro wrestler, but to go down in history as the best giant in wrestling of all time. BUt without that Diva's Title, he can't have that. So he's gonna go after that title. But you know something, Ben Sanderson, this is his night, his party, his assholes, this is about him. So he say he earned EVERY OUNCE of that title. Oh shit, he got Hardy's stash, too.

HOWEVAR before stuff can happen as Morgan leaves, Eric Bischoff ANGRILY POWER-WALKS OUT and comes into the ring while Cunthead sits on the top turnbuckle, then rushes up to stand face to face with him. Bischoff says WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE WITH YOUR REVISIONIST HISTORY, ME? Speaking of ME, he says NO ONE CARES ABOUT YOUR BACKSTORY, and the only reason he's here is because of ME, Eric Bischoff, and if it weren't for ME, he'd be picking up trash in Green Bay. I think he's implying Anderson would be in jail, picking up trash with those point-ed sticks. Not too absurd a thought, I'd think; there has to be some limit to how much you can rape before you get in big trouble. Usually between 0 and 1 persons.

THE ONLY THING HE ACCOMPLISHED is putting a bullseye on his back. Logically, isn't that what ALL world champions do? Bischoff mocks him by using the word FRICKIN as he says he's out of his FRICKIN mind if he thinks THEY will put up with him. So on February 3rd, a THURSDAY iMPACT because Anderson sucks, and he's gonna job to Jeff Harvey--HARDY! Also, Hogan will get out from under the legal BULLSHIT and get back to being in control of this company. Anderson acts like a shithead, then screams at Bischoff all wild and crazy-like, and says OOOOOO OOOOOO just as Meth appears on screen in a pre-taped, stunted, halting, monotonous segment, saying in THREE WEEKS the belt will be with him, the ANTICHRIST. This prompts Rob Van Dam to appear and killshit him, completely destroying Hardy's whole ANTICHRIST vibe.

Speaking of vibe, I'm seeing rippling vibes from the layers of fat flying across my screen, as elaborate fat jokes unveil TYLER REKS attacking Rob Van Dam. No wait, who the fuck is Tyler Reks? I think I saw him like, once, before Bragging Rights, with the Korn/Rob Zombie hair and the hobo look and the "FUTURE ENDEAVORED IN 13 MONTHS" aura. No! Fuck Tyler Reks! Here be Matt Harvey, come to rescue his shitfaced brother from the threat of a contact high. He gets bopped into a corner by Rob Van, but then the Harvey Boys turn him about and beat on him prompting Anderson Kennedy to run backstage to halp Rob Van so they can beat up on the Hardy Boys.

This then brings out IMMORTAL to beat up on them. They beat up on them.

Random Commercial-area Thoughts: With a severe passion, I hate movies that have elaborate, meaningful, historically-based names, that end up being generic comedies or dramas or bland relationship movies, like "The War of the Roses" or "St Elmo's Fire"

I hate the way Tenay says "It's Mike Tenay, it's Taz". Also, I'm pretty sure "The Hardy Boys" is NOT a copyright by the WWE, and they CAN use it. "The Hardy Brothers" is too much of a mumbler. BACKSTAGE SOMEWHERE Jarrett asks Karen if she's ready for this and she says, with Porn Star level acting ability, that she's been sitting at home for two years, not getting Angle Anal, and she's never been more ready or something.

Beer Money vs Motor City Machine Guns

Speaking of which, the Gunnaz are LATE as hell, as a dumbass cameraman interrupts them as they're about to come out, to ask them stupid questions, and get stupid answers in turn. Sabin putting on ANGRY FACE that is painful to look at. No fucking idea if this is a title match, by the way. What kind of company ANNOUNCES stuff like that beforehand? All of them beat up on some, then Beer Money gets put in corners and the Gunnaz runs at them from opposing ends again and again. Then they throw them out of the ring, Alex Shelley suicide dives onto Roode, and Sabin springboard jumps onto James Storm. Then, IN THE RING for ARMLOCK and tag in Sabin, adn they double irish whip Storm for double team shenanigans but SPEAKING OF SHENANIGANS Roode trips up Sabin before he can dropkick Storm in the face, and then SHelley sort of baseball slides him, but misses, but Roode sells.

James Storm now gets up and beats up on them some. He slowly punches Sabin on the face, then kicks him on the back when he's down, and then tags in Robert Roode to punch Sabin in the guts. Sabin in a corner now and Roode smacks him some, then irish whips him into the opposing corner, and gets on him for a pin gets 2. Now tagg in James Storm, and they double Generic Shoulder Block him down after an irish whip. Shelley distracts the referee so a pin gets 2. Shelley gets the referee distracted, and Robert Roode tags out to Storm, with the referee not seeing, but the referee don't give a shit as Storm puts Sabin in a headlock thing.

Then they run at each other and Sabin and Storm dropkick each other. Roode and Shelley get tagged in, and SHelley punches up on Roode with his elbow, and chops on Storm, he tries for a Sliced Bread but Storm pushes him past. Shelley smashes Storm into the corner, and kicks a running Roode, and then double Bulldogs them both. He then gets to the turnbuckle when James Storm mysteriously appears outside of the ring and to interrupt Robot Shelley, but he kicks him away. Sabin kicks Storm away, and Shelley double footstomps on Robert Roode and pin gets 2.

Apparently this IS a title match now. I'm not revising my match title, because TNA didn't tell me shit. A bunch of double team moving stuff by the Murder Guns on the Beer Munnies, and then they do a double team thing where Sabin does a neckbreaker and Shelley jumps from the top rope onto Roode. Pin gets 2. Awesome breakup by Storm, as Sabin runs to block him, and Storm chucks Sabin onto Shelley. Storm bladed at some point. Storm spike DDT's Sabin, and Roode gets to the top rope so Shelley can go to try to SUperplex, but Storm attacks him from behind, and gets him in a spinning thing in Crucifix Powerbomb position, but Shelley escapes. So Storm hits a spinny move on him and Roode hits a splash trhing on him and pin gets 2.

PISSED, Roode tries to get Shelley in a double team move, but SHelley fights them off. Sabin pulls down the ropes so that Storm falls out, and Sabin missile dropkicks Roode as Shelley holds him down and goes with him. The Gunnaz then kick up on Roode, and Storm rushes in, misses a sidekick, and Shelley makes like he's gonna superkick him, but Storm ducks and Shelley hits Sabin with a superkick and nao Beer Munnies hit a DWI and pinwin.

WINNAR: Beer Money

The Taz now PLANTS THE SEED OF DOUBT by jibbering incoherent bullshit to the effect of PERHAPS THE MOTOR CITY MACHINE GUNS WILL BREAK UP because of something or other involving kicks to the face at Genesis.

BACKSTAGE, Kurt Angle arrives in a car dressed in jeans and a T-shirt. Seems to be a wrestling trope that the heels always arrive in fancy clothes or a luxurious car or limo, and the faces arrive in their own t-shirt and average 1996 sedan thing. WHAT GIVES? Angle was in that whole Main Event Mafiar thing that one time years ago that no one remembers because it was shit and the company is shit.

Random Commercial-area Thoughts: That Kevin Bacon commercial I find deeply unsettling and uncomfortable. Yootoob.

Backstage, Rob Van Dam and Anderson bitch and complain about being beaten up, with Rob Van like I HAD MY HAAANDS ON JEFF HARDY AND HIS FREAKIN BROTHER OUT OF FREAKIN NOWHERE! obviously oblivious to the fact that he put his hands on Jeff Hardy in EXACTLY the same way Matt Hardy then did to him. Anderson Anderson says they gotta stop waiting around for them to come to us, so Rob Van's like lET'S GO GET THEM AND FIGHT THEM ALL, KEN! because that TOTALLY worked out GREAT just a few minutes ago. OH YEAH, BRING SOME FRIENDS why not, he offers. So they decide to get a steel chair and a wooden two by four. That's it? They gonna die.

Now, out come His Holy Darkness Pope Blackadictus I D'Angelo Dinero to the ring, in probably the ONLY good wrestling storyline going on right now. He say a lot of things have gone down in the past couple of weeks, as involving Samoa Joe SURVEILING POPE on his own time, while Pope was tending to HIS OWN BIDNESS, Pope out doing GOOD WILL and making a DIFFERENCE INT HIS WORLD and that typo I just made on "t his" is quite ironic in this case. He wants them to know that he's a Pope that you SHOULD FOLLOW and WILL FOLLOW and CONTINUE TO FOLLOW! It don't matter what Joe did, dog, Pope forgives him. PRAISE POPE! PRAISE JESUS! HOORAY FOR THE BEST OF CHRISTIANITY! Pope then pulls a fun Jesus on him by saying Would Joe be as forgiving if Pope was following HIM around on his own time? Would Joe be as forgiving if POPE followed his wife and such around? Well no need to deal in hypotheticals; because POPE WENT AND DID ALL THAT HELL YEAH!

So now we look at the DIXIE TRON! and we see...

Oh yeah! That's some REAL personal shit he got. Can they even show that on TV? Pope aks HOW DOES THAT FEEL, JOE knowing that POPE WAS WATCHING YOU AND YOUR WIFE on your own time! AND Pope knows that he and her wife had a child, and Pope was there to witness his wife giving birth, LOOK AT THE DIXIE-TRON!

Hey wait, that woman is black! Does that mean Pope done caught Joe HAVING AN AFFAIR? OOH bitch, this is bad for Joe! Pope is a forgiving Pope, but is Joe a forgiving Joe? Pope asks if Joe can forgive him for Pope catching Joe and his wife doing the sex thing? This brings out Joe himself, and he looks kind of different from the videos.

 

Joe just runs at Pope and has him leave the ring, and Joe stands around staring at him and such. Pope swaggers away because he forgiveth Joe and such. Joe gets on the microphone like LOOK AT YOU Pope, you comin out here with your jokes, but for a man always saying that he's Pimpin, Pope sure do run like a little bitch. So he gonna tell Joe wut, Pope, and he gonna tell his congregation he don't chase bitches. As a matter of fact, this lends credence to what Joe has ALWAYS SAID about him since only last week; he's a fraud, he's a phony, he's a pretender. Rather than beat him up, he'll give him this promise; at some point he will get his hands on him. And Joe is gonna kill you. Call the police, he just threatened the man's life.

Backstage, Rob Van Dam meanders about with Anderson, and they stand in front of the IMMORTAL lockerroom thing. THey just enter in all casually like HEY BOYS we came to party and Beer Money is in there. The door shuts, and Beer Money proceeds to murder the two. At least, that's what I'm assuming, hoping, etcetera. The noises and taunts Anderson is making makes it sound like he's raping them. Sexually. Faggot.

 

Random Commercial-area Thoughts: CONFESSIONSZ! I never saw any Back to the Future movie ever, and have no intention of ever doing so.

 

Backstage somewhere, Eric Bischoff just got off the phone with Hulk, and HULK ANGRY! HULK SMASH! He says under NO circumstances do we NOT get that belt off of Anderson Anderson. Fire him, then? Are you fucking serious? Just fucking fire him. You supposedly control the fucking company. Fire him. Why do they make storyline things like this and don't just think of this shit? If you don't want your employee at the factory shitting in the machinery, you FIRE HIM, you don't force other employees to do their jobs harder so as to get promoted ahead of him.

 

 

So then they walk into the room labeled IMMORTAL and they're like WOOOAAAOOO what happened here and such. They say RVD and Anderson did this, giving Bischoff MORE THAN SUFFICIENT reason and justification to shitcan Anderson. Instead, they just say "It's on" and do nothing.

Video package for the Kurt Angle Jeff Jarrett feud which is remarkable solely because it's a feud TNA actually bothered to remember and bring back! To the excitement of at least four or five people~! MOMENTS AGO Jeff Jarrett talked to the camera guy backstage, while Karen stood behind him, swaying lightly and smirking like she's had a few. WHAT IS THE PLAN FOR TONIGHT the cameraguy asks. Jarrett says he's gonna go out there and hang up his MMA boots undefeated. EXTREEEEME! TOTAL NONSTOP ACTION! Jarrett wants Jarrett to NOT lose her temper at all out there.

Elsewhere backstage, Kurt Angle says he heard his ex-wife is here, and he guess they have a little catching up to do.

Random Commercial-area Thoughts: Did we really only have one match tonight thus far?

Some random hoodlum sits on the security railing to yell at Jeff Jarrett as he comes down to the ring with his big-ass retinue of nobodies. He says tonight we are celebrating the careert of an undefeated MMA fighter. Hanging up his gloves, he knows he's never even been taken down in one of his fights, never come close to submitting, never been beat. So after making an example of Kurt Angle, keeping at mind that it was ONLY AN EXHIBITION DURR but Kurt, he could have PERMANENTLY INJURED YOU if he chose to do that. Wouldn't have taken much to do so, either. SO in closing he would like to close, behind every great warrior, behind every great competitor, behind every piece of shit scumdog mercenary, behind every man of war, which is exactly what Warrior is, there is a great woman. Even behind every great female warrior and competitor, there's a great woman riding her, putting things in her vagina and such.

So he intorduces Missus Karen Jarrett, but OH NOESZ Kurt Angle comes out instead, hurrdurr. The nobodies accompanying Jarrett go to get punched by Angle, and Angle German Suplexes Gunnar and Murph Murph, ith just Angle and Jarrett in the ring now. Jarrett's like ARIGHT WE GONNA FIGHT and slowly starts to undress, when a Vickie Guerrero gets on the microphone like STOOOP STOOOP etcetera.

She says she has sat at home for TWOO YEARS while you have PLAYED GAMES WITH OUR PERSONAL AND PROFESSIONAL LIVES and such. Squeaky squeaky shrill voice. She says he will nto steal the joy from their lives for one more day! Next week in that very ring, the entire world is gonna hear what she has to say! Because fuck you audience watching here, fuck you in attendance, and fuck you whoever wanted to see actual wrestling next week since we got barely fuckall tonight!

Random Commercial-area Thoughts: Those Free credit report commercials inspire me to look up their closest competition and use them instead

Because we didn't get enough Karen Jarrett squealing, we get a VIDEO RECAP of her saying how TONIGHT I SAY I WILL HAVE SOMETHING TO SAY NEXT WEEK!

Backstage now, Kurt ANgle kicks shit around and curses. He then throws shit around, and punches up on a trash can. And curses some more. For some odd reason, he's pissed. Literally nothing happened, and he's pissed?

TNA Knockouts Tag Cmahjpionship
Tara and Madison Rayne vs Dr. Angelina Love and Head-Winter

Cameron Burge gets to drop esoteric references and so shall I! Though I was great enough to provide links explaining my odd referencing. Winter's entrance music is like an eyesore for the ears. Like the vocals of "Aqua" and the music of any one-hit wonder poprock emo band from the past ten years. Match starts with Madison Rayne and Angelina Love locking up, Angelina doing some odd rollup thing and pinwin amtch over. Imagine if. Why even bother with such early pin attempts? They do some stuff, and angelina Love with a Fireman's Carry on Madison, and then they stand off, and Angelina catches Madison's kick and drops her in some odd move, then starts kicking her in the face and such.

Madison grabs the referee's shirt, while Tara pulls Angelina down by the hair. Tara then tagged in, and they double team on Angelina, and Winter, being fucktarded, distracts the referee so they can choke Angelina and use weapons and such. Mickie James then comes in, and pulls Madison Rayne out to clothesline her, then pop Tara in the face. Because the referee ISN'T stupid, and he caught Mickie James dropping off the apron, he... ehh... Well I guess he does nothing. Still kind of stupid. Tara tries to use her gross elbow tumor to hit Angelina, but ANgelina ducks, and tags in Winter to do a lazy top rope clothesline and goes to punch and writhe her about and such.

She then headlocks on Tara, while arching her back sharply, and making odd pipe-like chiming noises, and the bell is done rung-ed.

WINNAR: President Angelina Love and Caprica-Winter

For some reason, Taz claims Angelina Love is PERPLEXED by Winter actually bothering to try to win a match and be aggressive.

Speaking of being perplexed, THE HARDY BROTHERS backstage behind a steel fence, Matt like now BOTH FATT AND METH HARDY understand and the purpose about this business is making money and stepping on people to get what they want and that's exactly what they gonna do, and Rob Van and Anderson are nothing, and Anderson's walking around with a championship that has Jeff Hardy's big ugly Tron face on it.

After commercials, UNADVERTISED AND TOTALLY POINTLESS NONTITLE MATCH!

Abyss vs Matt Morgan

Fuck you and your goat.

WINNAR: Matt Morgan

Key there being Matt Morgan. Immortal then beats up on him after the match, with Big Roid Terry and Ric Flair doubling on him some, and Abyss getting up to help beat up on Morganite. After beating on him, Ric Flair makes a gesture at Morgan that implies perhaps that he wishes to lick Morgan's cunt, which seems slightly inappropriate for some odd reason. Some anonamouse person on my twitter said I would be creeped out and it would be gross. To them, I say what one of my history professors once said to me; "Look, kid, you're way out of your league here"

 

HARDY BROTHERS JOIN FORCES AGAIN! Mike Tenay seems insistent on them NOT being called Hardy Boys and such. Hardy Brothers sounds a lot worse.

Random Commercial-area Thoughts: Comcast TV Guide has a Spiderman porn spoof labeled as "Action/Adventure"

DURING THE BREAK, some random nobody choked out Abyss backstage with a chain. He says for them to tell Bischoff and Flair that they were right; February 3rd, THEY'RE COMING! FOR EACH AND EVERY SINGLE MEMBNER OF IMMORTAL! Again? I'm seeing an Ancient Rome-style pattern here with TNA; jackoff with money buys an army, invades Rome, makes himself epic awesome, another jackoff with money buys another army and does the same thing. THEEEErrrrrrrEEEEEE HEEEEEEEErrrrrrrrrrrEEEEEE! 2/3/11! Not the same ring as 101010. Probably a bit more fail involved.

Apparently that nobody was AMAZING RED'S BROTHER with the AMAZING name... CRIMSON! I wish I was joking. Actually no, I don't wish it, because that's a shitty joke, and I'm not so shameless as to peddle shitty jokes intentionally. The Taz then asks WHO IS THEY? THEY are Hulk Hogan, Eric Bischoff, Jeff Jarrett, Jeff Hardy, etcetera. Why the fuck are you asking this now?

NOW, backstage, Abyss barges into Immortal room panting hard and like I GOTTA TALK TO YOU to Eric and says YOU NEED TO HEAR THIS and such. WHY THE FUCK DON'T YOU TELL THEM ALL IF ITS SO IMPORTANT? Moron. Bischoff talks about February 3rd, because fuck the next few weeks of iMPACT why not. It all starts tonight, and the Harveys will do what they do best: EATING! He DID say to eat Anderson and Van Dam alive. And eat, Matt shall!

Abyss then says that some guy told him THEY'RE coming on February 3rd. Flair's like who's they? And Abyss, FUCKING ABYSS, is the only one to point out the obvious here, and say "THEY IS US! THAT WAS US!" he says THEY are coming on February 3rd. This guy says THEY'RE coming. Bischoff thinks Abyss is having a flashback. They DID catch this on camera, by the way. Just show it to Bischoff?

Rob Van Dam and Ken Anderson vs Fatt and Meth Hardy

Speaking of fat, I'm eating cookies some. The kind you nom. For some reason, Anderson is bleeding again from his head. After a commercial and cookie break, the Harveys come out, and the other guys run up the ramp to attack them. They brawl on outside of the ring, and Rob Van throws Matt Har into the ring, to put him on the corner, wiggle his head around, then punchy him up. Anderson and Jefficles now get in to brawl, and Rob Van standing around, while Anderson stomps on both boys.

Rob Van now in alone to face Matt and Matthew Hardy at once. BROTHER MATT in the battle, according to Fucking Mike Tenay. They punch up some and Rob Van Dam dominates him in the corner, then irish whip at him, and does a monkey flip on him. Now Anderson tagged in and he kicks and punches on Matt. Exhausting two of his four or five moves, he settles to putting Matt in the corner, and doing more kicking and punching. THen he irish whips Matt, and runs at him to fall into him. Matt then falls over and pin gets 2. Jeff went and tapped Kennedy on the head and that apparently worked.

Anderson irish whip reversed and Matt FATS into him, knocking Anderson down with his sheer fat. Tag in to Jeff, who pounds on Anderson's back some. Jeff then does his old penis-grabbing arm waving taunt thing, and saves his momentum bonus for a Siganature Move. He then pulls Anderson in a headlock thing, but Anderson backs into Rob Van to tag out, and Jeff flees to tag in Matt, who goes and pounds lazily on Rob Van, and Anderson attacsk him only for referee to stop him. Matt Hardy beats Rob Van, then tries a Moonsault on Rob Van which misses. Not quite like someone like Essa Rios or Kurt Angle would moonsault... more like a Blue Meanie moonsault. Rob Van Dam then does his split legged moonsault on Hardy's face, and Jeff pulls him out.

Rob Van then jumps over the ropes to take out both HARDY BROTHERS! Commercials, then. I'll wait.

When we return, Rob Van Dam punches on Matt Hardy in the corner some.He then makes like he gonna beat up Jeff as he tries to get on the apron, but then returns to Matt to irish whip reverse and thenr un into Rob Van Dam's boot to the face. Rob Van tries to jump from the turnbuckle but Matt Hardy trips his ass off the second rope. Matt Hardy debuted and BROTHER JEFF Hardy now in the ring stomping on Rob Van Dam. Jeff does an inverted fron suplex thing, and Anderson breaks it up.

Jeff and Matt BROTHERS HARDY now with Rob Van in their corner, to slowly pound on Rob Van, but Dam recovers, and runs into Matt Hardy's SIDE EFFECT thing as it's called. Rob Van Dam tries to get to the corner, but Matt is hugging him like a fat man clings to a big bag of Funyuns, and gets up with Rob Van Dam, in position to "pop off" as The Taz says a German Suplex , but Rob Van Dam kicks him in the face. Anderson tagged in and now swinging spinning neckbreaker on Jeff and pin gets 2. Anderson then does his fourth move, Mic Check, and pin gets 2. Matt Hardy broken it up, and he tries to do something, gets tossed into the referee, and he grabs the referee pleasantly, only for Kenendy to run and smash the referee out of the ring.

Van Dam beats up on Jeff a bunch, and Beer Money comes out to beat up on Rob Van Dam and Anderson Anderson, which either goes to show how very little thought went into Rob Van Dam and Anderson's plan, or else you can just dismiss it as typical big-ass heel stable shenanigans. In the ring, Matt does a funny muscley pose that looks like when little fat kids take their shirts off and flex their tiny muscles and such. Twist of HATE (Life ith paaaain) on Anderson, and BROTHER JEFF hits a Kenton Bomb on Anderson ANderson, and the referee gets in to pinwin him.

WINNAR: Brother Matt and Brother Jeff of Hardy

It apparently not done, as MOAR members of THEY come to the ring to beat up on Rob Van Dam and Anderson Anderson. They all then pose, and all do the Immortal thing, except Big Roid who just holds a fist, and Matt who does his old Hardy Boy thing, because HE DO KNOW it was very dramatic and very emotional any time Amy Dumas finds herself in a tough spot, Matt's the guy she callsssffffffbbbbbfbbbbtt

TNA YAY: Fuck what anyone says thus far, I thoroughly enjoy what was done/is being done with Pope and Joe and Pope "IS HE HEEL OR WUT" thing. THAT is how a non-distinct Face/Heel relationship should work; Do you trust Samoa Joe, a barbarous vandal, or do you trust the Pope, a man of the people who is supporting the downtrodden? In the end you can have Pope blow full-heel, but the point being that there is a purpose to it and a reasoning beyond just "I want moar stuff, I dun't like you, Fuck you"

TNA BOO: HOORAY for so few wrestling matches on a TOTAL NONSTOP ACTION broadcast! One match in the first hour, three matches in the second hour? What are the odds!?!?!

TNA WTF: 2/3/11! THEY'RE COMING... NOT "THEY" BUT A TOTALLY DIFFERENT "THEY" BECAUSE THE OLD "THEY" IS NOW JUST "IMMORTAL" AND THE NEW "THEY" IS SOMETHING TOTALLY NEW!

Go play on my Twitter Captain Halo

Feedback if you want: phenomynouss@hotmail.com

Andariel Halo is a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. She can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. She translates ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees. Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, Andy once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. Children trust her. She knows the exact location of every dairy item in the supermarket. She has performed covert operations for the CIA. She's in bed every day, but sleeps once a week, OH! The laws of physics do not apply to her. One time, she shot her friend in the back of the head with a BB gun, and placed all blame on him.

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TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).