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Welcome to the best damn iMPACT rant period~! Still standing in Oralndo! Hey guise, what's going on? What do you do when you're supposed to be working but there's no one around to ensure of that? You write TNA iMPACT! review recaps, you do!

So... I wasn't here last week. Or the half-week in between. Imagine my fake surprise when I woke up on Friday all like "Uh oh, this webbsite doesn't have that TNA download I rely upon because I don't ever watch it live not because I don't want to encourage them with ratings but because I can't keep up with the TOTAL NONSTOP ACTION" and then i asked people on the forum and they were like "No IMPACT." So I made up a totally honest and completely believable lie about being away on the Hajj to Mecca. See, if you knew me, that'd be funny, because, like the thief I am, I steal jokes, and every year when people say "MURRY CHRISTMAS" and shit because I hate them, instead of being a clever person and saying "FUCK YOU", I say "We don't celebrate Christmas. We're Muslim". Fifty dollars to whoever gets that reference.

And to make sure you paid attention to those last few sentences, I give you...

"In the world of professional wrestling, one man is King: HULK HOGAN." Just ignore the part where he had to abdicate his throne because he tore his ACL getting off the sofa.

This here is something historic! Because I woke up today and thought "Well, I can just jack around all day" but then I find out it's not really Tuesday, but some kind of transmorgraphied Friday, which is when I do my recapping, although it doesn't show up till Sunday/Monday, due to what I can only think is communication errors in terms of translating my Farsi text into Engalish, mispellings and all.

So that's historic. Also, I was watching RAW a bit, because when I switched over to TNA, I swore it was like watching an ultra-sleaze edition of MONDAY NITRO, featuring the nWo nWo-ing it up like they do, only fatter and older. Bret Hart, as much as I've never watched him ever and probably never even heard of him until like 1999 or 2000, his return and his hugging Shawn Michaels was something spectacular and I thought, beautifully handled. Clearly someone hired a writer for that one.

Speaking of a total lack of people competent enough to be called "writers", here's TNA, after a long and boring video package which simultaneously shits on every legendary wrestler who ever came to TNA while proclaiming Hulk Hogan to be the most important thing TNA has and will ever do ever, period... Bruther.

Also, they're going to have a NEW COMMENTATOR! Supposedly one of the biggest names in satellite radio... SOME GUY YOU'VE NEVER HEARD OF! "Bubba the Love Sponge". That sounds like a sponge you cum in and stuff behind the bed, then when you get a girl to come over, you squeeze the gooky contents of it over her head. Oh that's right, filth and revulsion hath returned after a week or so!

And all of this bullshit writing with only five minutes of broadcast in, and absolutely no wrestling yet.

BACKSTAGE EARLIER TODAY OUTSIDE, some drunk-looking fat guy is asking a kid about what he wants to see in wrestling. He says he wnats to see some of the stuff he grew up watching, NONE OF THIS KID SHIT YOU SEE TODAY! He wants to see... Hulk Hogan and Andre the Giant... What? He then says he wants to see WRESTLING, and mentions the Ultimate Warrior... WHAT?! Does this guy even comprehend just what he is making into words?

To make this all ironic, a guy who DID show us WRESTLING, and not KID SHIT, is guest hosting the OTHER COMPANY'S show tonight. My god... it's... just... too much... shitheaded douchebaggery-misfiring.

They interview a hot 21 year old girl who totally looks like me who says she wants to see wrestlers get down and dirty and bloody. And a big fat guy who claims to be a Hulk Hogan... impersonater gimmick guy. Even twidth="630"im if he's doing a bit much.

Oh hey, it's time for a WRASSLIIIIING

X Division Curtain-Jerk Squad Cluster-UpFuckery Steel Asylum Lethal vs Consequences vs Motor City vs Machine Guns vs Kiyoshimitsu vs Homicide vs Suicide vs Skinny guy with a championship belt

That last guy is a total mystery to me. After all, he's not been on TV in weeks, and The Taz describes him for us in case we've never seen him before. Everything starts in a cluster-upfuck, and Mike Tenay sees fit to tell us Mick Foley was banned from the iMPACT Zone today. And Hogan is supposed to be a face? More clusterfuckery, with the black guys double teaming a white guy. Tilt a whirl backbreaker by Lethalon him, then a dropkick thing. Both the black guys try to climb the red bricks but the Japanese guy attacks one of them, and the other one just sort of hangs on the other side. Oh no, that's Alex Shelley, having knocked off the other guy.

Someone did a Tornado DDT on someone. Uh huh, that's the best you can get. Jay Lethal lunges up at Shelley, gets caught in his legs, and punches him up to bring him down. They chop about, while Suicide beats on Red dood, but Lethal catches him in his double-move Rock Bottom into thing. Chris Sabin appears and kicks Lethal in the ehad. Yoshi Tatsu kicks him in the head. Consequenzes press slams someone. Red jumps onto Homicide into a Tornado DDT. Suicide climbs up the turnbuckle and to the cage, moving some 30 times faster than Alex Shelley did. Dude. People chant "X Division", and Russo's like "X Division? On MY broadcast?" It's more likely than you think.

Suicide gets caught by the red guy, apparently going to throw Suicide onto Sabin, but Suicide chucks his ass into him, and he catches Sabin in a hurricanrana. Yoshimitsu holds onto Red now, and Homizide baps him with an object. He then baps Yoshi and everyone else and... THE BELL RINGS?!?!?! WHAT THE FUCK?!?!


THE ENTIRE FUCKING ARENA CHANTS "THIS IS BULLSHIT!" I CAN'T LET GO OF MY SHIFT KEY, THIS IS GENUINELY NUTSACKS! The censors try to awkwardly mute the sound with each "shit", but it really slices the fucking shit out of the commentary, making it incoherent. Which is good, right?

This is DEFINITELY going in my "Stupid Russo Moment". Disqualifications in TNA's version of the Elimination Chamber/Hell in a Cell match? And the weapon Homicide was using was as thin as a big-ass pen.

Oh hey, it's Jeff Hardy. I know because it plays that slacker stoner music of his. SPEAKING OF STONER, here comes Jeff Harvey! Seriously, Hardy's return to TNA is more of a mark-out moment than fucking... Bubba the Cum-soaked Sponge or Hulk Hogan.

Homicide somehow ends up outside and attacks Harvey. Harvey trips his ass up, then smacks him with a steel chair, then does a Twist of Fate on the ramp on him. He climbs up onto the top of the steel asylum and plops his ass down to sit on it and play for the crowd.

Random Commercial-area Thoughts: "Legion" trailers irritate me for two reasons: 1) The name makes no fucking sense whatsoever, as "Legion" is indeed a Biblical term... referring to a specific DEMON(S) who infest a person, and they are many demons in one person. This is in no way related to ANGELS at all. You could argue "well there's a shitload of Angels, so they make up a Legion". Except that the Biblical implications are already there, and technically a legion is only 3,000 - 5,000 men. It's far more likely that Hollywood Jew-rat Atheist commies just thought calling it "Legion" would sound cool and Christian-y despite it making as much sense as calling a movie about King Saul "Song of Songs". People who are epic like me will get it.

2) The CGI looks blatantly fake. Like Sy-Fy channel Original Movie fake.

Backstage, Jeff Harveyy hugs up with Shannon Moore. I personally think Moore's career was dead, cremated, smoked, scattered, and buried in the sewer with this:

Anyway, Failamania is cumming to the iMPACT errogenous zone. Hogan's coming in a limo with a FUCKING POLICE ESCORT. The money spent on that could have paid for... well, Shannon Moore. But he got paid anyway.

Christy Hemme backstage with Kevin Nash looking sleazy. He's feeling calm and such, all like "it's a great night" etcetera. He's looking forward to seeing a sleazy old friend. There's a reason someone called him the smartest guy in professional wrestling, and says Hogan was his first mentor, and etcetera, and whatever company he's ever worked for has been number 1. Leaving aside that whole WCW bit from 1998-2000. We don't talk about those things in Hulkamania. Nash says there's a lot of reasons to be excited, then sort of slouches away, lazy and in total bullshit about being excited as he is. He returns briefly to say Hogan is not coming alone and such.

Knockouts Championship ODB vs Tara

ODB pops her immediately, and clubs on her back, still drinking. She gives it to the referee so she can use her panties or something as a weapon. Now picking up Tara, smack her, push her on the turnbuckle and smack, then un titslam her, but Tarantula shoves her, then kicks her away, then lunges out and clotheslines her. ODB and her slowly get up and trade punches. Tara then breaks that trade and starts giving punches and kicks and an enzuigiri freely. How polite. Scoop slam on her, then a standing moonsault on her, and a pin gets 2.

Irish whip on ODB is reversed, Tarantula catches ODB and holds her into a Tarantula on the ropes, which looked completely and utterly the opposite of effective. She springboards into a leg dorp, and pins gets 2. A shitload of people in the audience are wearing identical yellow t-shirts, and all the colors together like that with the screen just... it just looks real bush-league and unprofessional. Out of buttfuck nowhere, the camera pulls away during a pin and shows the Steel Asylum... over the ring... with the ring empty and cast in darkness. We get back just in time for ODB to win.


Tarantula attacks ODB and puts her in a Widow Peak, because she's a bitch or something. Then she holds up her gimmick, and looses it onto ODB. Mike Tenay makes sounds of disgust and revulsion, and immediately thereafter asks if Taz knew there was a limo backstage. Maybe that was intentional, because IT'S RIC FLAIR WHO EMERGES. This is ANOTHER mark-out moment thing that completely overshadows Hulk Hogan.

Video footage earlier today, Christy Hemme asks a girl what she thinks about Hulk Hogan and TNA and such. People start chanting FOLEY as Mick Foley appears way out of nowhere. Christy's like WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?! And he's like "I'm going to work!" whereas Hemme's like "Didn't you get the memo?" and Foley's like "Yeah" and he responds with a VIDEO MEMO: He fully understands why they'd shit all over him for daring question them and trying to subvert Hogan's perfection. Foley says he will be on his best behavior, promise, and he'll see them inside.

This is not live TV, Foley. This prompts the security guys to shove him off and he turns to the audience all like "They're not lettin me in!"

Bobby Lashley and his ho come to the ring for reasons of stuff. This is the biggest night in TNA history--BOBBY LASHLEY'S HERE! BOBBY LASHLEY came out here to give a message to Hulk Hogan, which is delivered by his wife, shilling MMA and OMFG HEEL TURN as she says "Unlike mixed martial arts, wrestling is filled with... inbreds, retards, etcetera" but not in those exact words. If this is the art of the heel turn, then your art sucks. DADA this is. She says Bobby is asking for his immediate release from TNA contract. I sure hope they do it legitimately, like that time with Brian Pillman and WCW. That was awesome.

Backstage after that pointless bit, here's something WITH A POINT! Velvet Sky enters a dark room with the rest of the horrible people around a Strip Poker table. They wanted to make the biggest impression ever, and wanting ratings and such. She thinks "What is it that people want to see on TV this day?" With tits right before them, ass right behind them, and a vagina between their legs, they immediately come upon the clear realization... POKER!

They proceed to completely butcher poker rules. Mostly because Velvet says Lacey CAN'T HAVE FIVE CARDS! Velvet has two tens, Madison has 18, Lacey has a shitload of stuff. Thus, Velvet wins. I take back what I said; they know EXACTLY how to play. Also, Lacey strips off her coat, baring a t-shirt underneath.

Random Commercial-area Thoughts: Hey, you know what would be a good movie? Halloween 3 remake by Rob Zombie! SIL-VER SHAMROCK, YEEUH YEEUH YEEUH!

Speaking of sleaze, here's 2.5 Scott Halls and an X-Pac. They're just meandering about outside, decide to try to go inside, and security attacks them. Mike Tenay brigns us BREAKING NEWS: TNA IS NUMBER ONE... TRACKED TOPIC ON TWITTER! When you aim for the stars, even if you fall short, you're bound to hit something.

That was seriously less than a fucking minute or so before MOAR COMMMERCIALS! So just repeat my previous commercial thought, with some more "Yeahs".

A black limo pulls up beside the black one, and someone comes out to enter it, further wasting time and gasoline.

2.5 Scott Halls mashed into one and an emotionally scarred Sean Waltman end up coming in from the audience.

... another commercial. Really? REALLY? I CAN'T GET ENOUGH OF THIS STUFF! PLEASE, MORE!

Speaking of shit, a generic version of the nWo theme plays and... it's quite possibly the best genericized version of a song TNA has ever done. As in, it sounds very much like the song it's intended to rip off. Jimmy Hart would be proud of this dreck.

Oh yeah, and Hulk Hogan comes out to it. I was just so focused on the music, dude. See, because I use the nWo theme for my Myfaces page. That's how you know it's me.

A wise man who is older than me, and thus must be wise, told me the best way you can tell Hogan is lying is when he opens his mouth. Alright then... "What's up, TNA-maniacs?" LIES! What is DOWN, he means! And he means NOT TNA-MANIACS but UOB-depressants! Hogan's all like TNA is gonna be the number 1 company in the world. LIES! Pipipipipipipipi. He spent all day long hearing ideas and such. LIES! People spoke ideas at him, but he heard nothing, dewd.

It's funny how TNA now feels like when you go to a new school after middle school and some of your friends come with you. There's a bunch of old faces and new faces! That's what Hogan says. At this, Chyna's rape victim tries to jump the gate but gets stopped, so Hogan stops them and tells them to come to the ring. Since it's Hulk Hogan, KING OF THE WRASSLIN, they let them come in. 2.5 Scott Hall mishy-moos gets on the microphone to say... "Tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow, creeps in this petty pace from day to day, to the last syllable of recorded timew023509i

Naw, not really. He said "Hey yo", then he says "Say hello to the bad guy" Hogan's all like "Say what you gonna say" and Hall's all like "Since Easy-E and Hogan and Nash" etcertera are all here, it means paychecks and parties. STOP SHOOTING, HALL! Hogan decides to continue to lie by saying "This is a different time, an da different place, it doesn't work that way anymore"

Syxx-Pac is all like "This IS the same place and these ARE the same people" STOP SHOOTING, WALTMAN!!! Hogan maintains his lie, while people chant GO HOME! and Hall's all like "I'm fat" while making fun of Hogan for wanting to change the business and such, and it's time they all grow up and do the right thing for the business. That sounds like Russo's writing with someone else's editing all over it.

Scott Hall's all like "You're right" and such, and all like Hogan's the one who got him paid and inspired him to be a wrasslin, and says things are gonna change... WITH HIM OR WITHOUT HIM. That doesn't really make any damn sense. Unless he's implying he's gonna somehow kill Hogan or get him fired. Kevin Nash decides to come out. It's like Monday Nitro all over again, but they're older and greasier now.

Hogan calls Nash "Kennin", and says he gave Dixie Carter his word that they're gonna change TNA for the better and it's not the way it was. Hall whispers something to Nash which is very loud and while I couldn't hear it, I'm sure Hogan could. Nash is all like "Well I been talking with you for five or six weeks on the phone and that's not the kind of conversation we've been having" then is curious when Hogan became so corporate. Hogan says it's NOT about turning corporate. He says it's a different time, and these guys need to do this for real.

Some arbitrary generic music no one knows plays, and OMFG IT'S... Eric Bischoff. GM Bischoff 2002 introduction this ain't. He gets on the microphone and HE SAY THIS: Nostalgia. Well, not that, but he makes stuff and statements with that as central focus.

Bischoff and his friends all wrestled an 800 pound gorilla, and then spanked him. Spanked him real good. His words, not mine. He's got scar tissue to prove that communication is good for the business or something. Scar tissue? What the fuck? See, says Bishcoff, what Huckster's trying to tell you is that URRRVRYBODY has to earn their position in this company. I'm feeling a strong hankering for Vanilla Coke. I must go and order a big fucking box of it on the internet.

Mirroring my sentiments, Kevin Nash just says "talk to you later" and the nWo leaves. lolwut?

Like Hogan said, URRRVRYBODY has to earn their position in this company. The Game changes now! And how you play it. Bischoff says he's damn sure they can change TNA. Honestly, with Bischoff there, I have hope and confidence. Snake Oil is in his blood, bruther. He shills this shit good. Dixie Carter shown on camera at ringside and she looks really uncomfortable.

Bischoff asks for a producer to give him a format. He forgot his lines. SoCalVal hands him one, and it's like 3 or 4 pages. Bischoff tears it in half and tosses it in the air. I wonder if that was written on the format for him to do that. Can you imagine that? "Now BISCHOFF tears this form in half and throws it away" Then you do it, but you don't know what to do next! You have to pick it up and read the next few lines after tearing it up~!? I mean... headache?

Oh hey, spotlight upstairs shows STING up in the rafters. It's a Christmas miracle. It's like NITRO all over again. Commercials.

TNA Knockout Champion things
Hamada and Awesome Kong vs Sarita and Taylor Wilde

Sarita and Hamada start with tying and such, then push off. Circling. Sarita and Hamada lock-up, but then Hamada pulls her into an arm takeover thing. Sarita reverses something else into an arm drag, then catches Hamada's rebound into a slam. Taylor tagged in, gets on the top rope to jump sloppily, and get an arm drag on her instead of crashing and burning. Hamada arm wrenches and such, and instead of a match, we get BACKSTAGE FOOTAGE STUFF of the Motor City Machine Gunnaz laid out and beat up and dead and unconscious even!

Meanwhile in the ring, Awesome Kong somehow ended up in, swinging Sarita on her back, and falling on Sarita, which the Taz compares to a SMALL FOREIGN CAR! SMART Kong? Book it, bitch. They then dropkick the car out of the ring, and it smashes and its glass shards of the windshield fly out into the audience and... cause some cuts and bruises. See, because foreigners suck and only AMERICAN CARS can kill people with their shattered windshields. Hamada then jumps out of the ring onto the two silver girls.


When we re3turn, Hamada is wrestling Taylor Wilde. A suplex and a pin gets 2. Taylor fights out of Hamada, and elbows her, but then Hamada kicks her in the gut, and headbutts. Sarita tries to tag, but Hamada keeps her away and headboots her a bunch. She teasingly holds Taylor's hand close, but smacks Sarita's away, then chops at Taylor. Now Kong is tagged in, and takes hold of Taylor with a club to the part of her where there are no breasts. Then she hoists her up for an Awesome Bomb but Taylor slides out, and hits a Codebreaker on her.

Sarita now tagged in, and springboard dropkick from the middle rope. She ducks under a Kong Klothesline and gets booted in the face by Hamada. Now they double team but she jumps onto the turnbuckle and tries a moonsault and gets caught and double teamed by them. Taylor rushes in to hurricanrana Hamada, while Sarita gets up on Kong, trying to reverse a powerbomb, but Kong just sits on her. She gets 2 as Taylor dropkicks her nastily. She then gets pinned by Sarita gets 2. Just as Sarita was about to clothesline Kong, the camera kuts to fucking outside with Hamada throwing Taylor somewheer. WHAT HAPPENED TO SARITA?! When I return, Kong has her, hoists her up, and Hamada missile dorpkicks her off Kong's shoulders.

WINNAR + NEW FEMALE CHAMPIONS: Amazing Kong and Hamada

They proceed to show some clips, two of which I hadn't even seen in the entire fucking match. Must have been cut from the final match, due to AWESOME WINSAUCE COMMERCIALS! Fuck wrestling when you can have commercials.

Backstage, the Horrible People are doing stuff in their topless state when a sleazy bald guy appears. Oh, it's Val Venis. Lacey thinks she might know him. He wants to play Poker with them, and it looks like they need ratings, and they need someone to take them to a WHOLE NUTHA LEVEL! He decides to play a round. One hand and it's all over for him, cos he's wearing only a towel. He's all like "This is going to be a very interesting night" and it ends.

Random Commercial-area Thoughts: Val Venis cock

Backstage, Mick Foley managed to go from one entrance to another in the many hours since we last saw him. He whines about wanting to get in, but the security guys butthurt on him, saying they could lose their jobs. The Nasty Boys then appear (CALLED IT. I CALLED IT) and try to enter. Security keeps them out, evne though they're Hogan's bitches. Security tells them to go to the gate for something.

Raven and Doctor w/ Daffney and Matt Morgan's music playing over their jobber introduction vs Matt Morgan and Hernandez

Mike Tenay threatens to fail as he says If Raven and Doctor Stevie are two of the most unpredictable in this business, then Morgan and Hernandez must be some of the most.... biggest! Clearly that makes more sense. "Predictable"? Never!

Raven tries to beat on Hernandez but gives up, falls on his back, and crawls on his back to tag in Doctor, while Morgan comes in, and Carbonite Footprints Doctor for an insta win.

WINNAR: The most predictable men in TNA

Raven is clearly not amused, whereas Daffney appears to be less than horny for the guise.

Backstage, DAHKNESS OVERCOMES DA REDHEAD! His Holy Father comes to be awesome, complete with SURPRISE and says Hogan wants to see the black people in action toniiiight, and wonders why the slutty redhead is standing next to a delcious hot cup of chocolate amazing grace and why her fingers aren't dipped in. He then says he will face Desmond Ruffie tonight (his word) and he wants him to bring his very best. Some... some completely random black guy appears out of buttfuck nowhere. Am I supposed to know who this is? He was invited by Hulk Hogan. Who?

The Pope is not pimpin' with this! He tells Random Black Guy that Pope needs to pay bills, and he has to be steppin'. Random Black Guy is all like the Pope reminds him of him, and is all like "good luck, kid, and I'll be watching". The entire time, he was holding a little container of 5 Hour Power energy in one hand and made ABSOLUTELY NO REFERENCE TO IT AT ALL!

Imagine this: You're watching a movie where Brad Pitt is playing a guy, and then John Leguizamo comes in with a big fucking rastafarian cap with the name of one of the movie's production companies emblazoned on it. He takes the cap off, holds it in his hands, and talks to Brad Pitt's character, and NO ONE MAKES ANY REFERENCE TO THIS HAT AT ALL! THIS IS DRIVING ME INSANE!@ WHY DIDN'T HE ADDRESS THIS? WHY DIDNT HE AT LEAST SHILL THE PRODUCT?! WHY WAS HE EVEN HOLDING THE THING IN HIS HAND?! WHAT THE FUCK WAS GOING ON THERE?! I'M STARTLED AND CONFUSED AND QUIZZICALLY PUZZLED!

The Pope is pissed because Random Black Guy called him kid.

OH, it was Orlando Jordan. I only knew because The Taz said so. WCW Nitro, everybody! I'm the new Esben Evans, niggers, but with less hookers and pot.

Desmond Roofie vs His Holy Father Pope D'Angelo Dinero

Desmoy, being the faggoty boring fuck he is, goes to do exactly the same thing he does every match. I hate him so legitimately, I'm not even going to cover it. Instead, I'm going to make up as many words that sound real as possible. Duplicitization. Archenolomy. Invirican. Saccapuck. Siftshun.

Momentum picks up as Desmoy's boring shit ends and The Black one manages to do some stuff, including a running attack and dropkick, only for Desmoy to put in his boring shit again. Some people chant "Desmond Wolfe" and more people chant "SUCKS" at the end of each. Wolfe gets a European Uppercut on him, which in Europe is called a "Uppercut" and The Pope dodges, only for Wolfe to come off and grab him again. He then goes for his shitty cutter finisher, but hte Pope dodges, reverses a back-to-back hold thing, and gets a small package on him for the win.

WINNAR: The wrestler

I should note, towards the end, people were chanting "THIS IS WRESTLING". That boring fucking shit? Woof...

Jeff Jarrett appears backstage, looking cleanshaven and such.

Commercials appear.

Jay Bee appears with Rhino dead. Bubba appears to throw Jay Bee away and provide totally useless announcing of what happened. WCW, everybody. TNA guys are dying out, WCW is taking over. And I for one, welcome our new geriatric overlords.

We then get a video recap of shit that already happened tonight. THank goodness! I was just starting to recover! Truly this is An historic occasion of radiation striping for all, courtesy of Hulk Hogan and his 24-inch reptilian creatures.

Commercials appear. I can't think of anything to say except, one time I shot my friend in the back of the head with a BB gun, and blamed him for having a loaded gun in the house with a child on the loose. That child was me. That child... was me.

Backstagte, AJ Styles is being intarviewed by Jay Bee, ignoring Hulk Hogan a bit to talk about beating Kurt Angle and such, and OH NOESZ It's Eric Bischoff here. He has some good news and bad news for A Jay. Bad news: This whole AJ Styles being a fucking MAIN EVENTER and HOLDER OF THE COMPANY'S BIGGEST CHAMPIONSHIP, will NOT be defending his title against Kurt Angle at TNA Genesis. The good news: He will do that tonight.

AJ is happy about that, for he knows that TV matches have a 96% retention rate for champions. Though considering that ALL the fucking championships defended this night alone have changed hands, I think AJ clearly did not think that through before being happy about it.

Here comes Jeff Jarrett, whose return is more mark-inducing that Hulk Hogan, but not really. People love him anyway, Triple J jokes aside and such. JEFF JARRETT has to say... "Let me just say this, from the very very top" and out of buttfuck nowhere, a black guy shrieks "WHAT?" all Dave Chappelle/Lil John sounding. Hahaha. Awkward shot of Dixie Carter looking like a corrupt corporate evil person at Jeff Jarrett, who shills himself and pimps him founding TNA.

Jarrett then gives us the entirety of the TNA "Year One" DVD release: Everyone said TNA would never last 6 weeks, yet here they are. That's seriously the entirety of TNA's "Year One" DVD release from a few years ago. An hour of people saying "no one expected us to last", plus four matches you could find on other TNA releases.

Speaking of failure, he mentions they are on a MONDAY NIGHT, and what he has to say is that he's done some good things and good things that don't have that "good" part attached to it. BY FAR the best thing he's done is give dozens if not hundreds of young guys the chance to step in the ring... and be buried by ex-WWE and WCW over-the-hill-ers. He lists some of the exceptions like Christopher Daniels, Samoa Joe, Beer Money, Motor Guns, and AJ Styles.

In closing, Jarrey has to say: FUUUUUUUUCK. No, not really. It'd be funny if he did say it, LIVE. What he really has to say is "You ain't seen nothing yet" and "Anything can and will happen in TNA"

You know somethin' Jeff, here's Hulk Hogan on the video backstage, and he's all like "So what? Nobody cares", and says if he here's Jeff talk about himself any more, he'll call security on him. He says that Jeff founded the company, but in a short amount of time, ran it into the ground. STOP SHOOTING, HOGAN! Holy fucking shit, they're doing that muting shit when people chant "BULLSHIT", and just fucking eviscerate Hogan's promo for a few seconds.

He then says they restructured the company and now he's Dixie Carter's partner, and all the young guys are gonna get real shots and pushes, bruther. The one thing Jarrett does have right, though, is that with Hogan and Dixie Carter, TNA all the way, numba one, sucky sucky. Speaking of sucky, he says Jarrett has no stroke, and must grab his boots and get in line with the rest to prove himself, because to him and Dixie Carter, he's no different than anyone else and he hopes he can hang with the young guys.

Holy hell, Jarrett is pink as hell. Backstage, Christy Hemme intarviewing Christoph Daniels, who is confident in stuff like himself, but Jay Bee runs in out of nowhere to shove him off. TNA YOUNG GUYS YEAH! Jay Bee is worried some guy is still here and hasn't left. That some guy is MICK FOLEY YAY! He's on the phone with him, runs off to open a door 10 feet away, and Mick Foley just fucking barrels through him angrily.


When we return, Jeff Harvey is painting. It's a face, but it's all pointy and such. He and Shannon Fail are gonna talk to someone now.

Chris Parks vs Samoa Joe

Wow, I'm disappointed. The Taz and Mike Tenay said it was originally to be Chris vs Rhino, and instead there was gonna be OMFG SURPRISE! NEVER BEFORE SEEN MEETING BETWEEN THESE TWO, BIG-ASS SURPRISE, ONE TOUGH BLANK. And it's Samoa Joe. FUCK THAT SHIT, I WANT OWEN HART, I WANT CHRIS BENOIT, I WANT EARTHQUAKE, I WANT GIANT GONZALEZ! Instead, joe punches up Chris, and Chris fails a splash on him, so Joe jumping kicks Chris. He then puts his foot on Chris's face, for those nasty ass face-scrapes he does with his boot. He goes to do his foot wash thing, but Chris gets up and floors his ass.

Joe slides out, so Chris rolls out and gets hit. Joe then gets a chair and tries to hit him but Chris moves so Joe hits a turnbuckle thing. Chris and Joe brawl slowly, then Joe gets rolled in. He tries to punch at Chris, but Chris punches him harder then irish whips and Joe kicks his face rather than get back body dorpped. Joe chopping on him, then Manhattan Drops him, then runs and boots him in the face, then Senton Backsplashes him, and a pin gets 2.

VIDEO CUTAWAY shows Sting standing around somewhere with a bat. Joe runs and gets caught in Chris for a chokeslam, but Joe escaped, only to get clotheslined by him. Chris splashes him on a turnbuckle, which does not fail, followed by a sideslam gets 2. Chris with retard handslap, then charges in to a perfectly placed back elbow and then a boot to the face. Joe then thrust kicks off the ropes onto him. It lookws likw THRUST KICK SAYS the Taz, but it might have been a roundkick in mid-air.

Joe wind-up forearms Chris, but Chris 'TARDS UP and no-sells, only for Joe to kick his ass down by the head. Joe now on the turnbuckle, and jumps right into Chris's hand for a chokeslam gets 2.

Joe slowly starts to get back in the ring, and sneaks a chair in, holding it against the turnbuckle, and smacks Chris with it as he pushes the ref aside to try to get at Joe. Joe now with a cock-in-a-clutch on Chris. Chris Parks close to the ropes, and scoodges closer, but starts to slowly slam his hand on the mat, which the referee takes for tap tap tapping out.

WINNAR: Samoan Yusufus

Backstage, Eric Bischoff is being all gray-haired manly manned with waning testosteron as he talks to random backstage guy editing the format thing. Krystal Lashley arbitrarily appears and Eric has no idea who she is. He offers her a mint, which is exactly what I would do, and she explains it all. Bischoff was apparently paying attention, but still doesn't care. She demands a meeting with Hulk Hogan. Bischoff advices her to get a number and stand in line with everyone else. She says Bobby will not like this, and Eric very wisely says "What can I do?"

Commercials! There's the television. It's all right there — all right there. Look, listen, kneel, pray. Commercials! We're not productive any more. We don't make things any more. It's all automated. What are we for, then? We are consumers. Yeah. Okay, okay. Buy a lot of stuff, you're a good citizen. But if you don't buy a lot of stuff, if you don't, what are you then, I ask you? What? Mentally ill. Fact!: if you don't buy things — toilet paper, new cars, computerized yo-yos, electrically-operated sexual devices, servo systems with brain-implanted headphones, screwdrivers with miniature built-in radar devices, voice-activated computers

Oh look, Bubba the Cum Sponge beat up Beer Money,and tries to blame the mystery people who've been doing it since then.

Meanwhile, he arrives at the security door with the Nasty Boyzzz still arguing with the security. Bubba pulls total nepotism which goes completely against what Hogan was saying earlier, distracting the security guy and pulling him aside so the Nasty Boys can sneak in behind him.

Kurt ANgle bouncing around as Jay Bee talks in his room, where Angle will wrassle. He's all like how ever since he lost his title, an INCREDIBLY TALENTED WRESTLER called AJ Styles won it. Sound reasoning, logical? Angle was like, but AJ never beat HIM one on one, and never thought it would take this long for them to meet in the ring. AJ Styles cannot beat him. Angle plans on reclaiming HIS championship title belt.

Backstage in the parking lot, Jeff Harvey and Shannon Moore have manilla envelopes and Harvey's painting when HOT WHITE JAILBAIT ASS comes screaming towards Jeff. He gives them the painting and kisses one of them, then gets in his spiffy sports car with Shannon. If that was Scott Steiner doing that, there'd be lawsuits abounding.

You know what crazy is? Crazy is majority rules. Take germs, for example. Eighteenth century: no such thing, nothing. No one ever imagined such a thing. No sane person. Along comes this DOCTOR! Semmelweis, Semmelweis. Semmelweis comes along. He's trying to convince people, other doctors mainly, that's there's these teeny tiny invisible bad things called germs that get into your body and make you sick. He's trying to get doctors to wash their hands.

What is this guy? Crazy? Teeny, tiny, invisible? What do they call it? Uh-uh, germs? Huh? What? Now, up to the last week, as a matter of fact, before I got dragged into this hellhole — I go in to order a burger at this fast-food joint, and the guy drops it on the floor. James, he picks it up, he wipes it off, he hands it to me like it's all OK. "What about the germs?" I say. He says "I don't believe in germs. Germs is a plot made up so they could sell disinfectants and soaps." Now HE'S crazy, right?

Oh look, The Nasty Boyiz are in Team 3Dicles' locking room and throwing stuff around when securitah comes in to apologize and give him donuts. He opens the thing and shoves them in the face of the ONE BLACK GUY with him. They send them off, saying to bring them pizza and beer. The blonde one then eats some of the donut all covered in Afro-germs (or is it?!) when they start spraypainting a picture of Devon and the wall.

Kurt Angle vs AJ Styles

They lock up, AJ with a headlock, and Angle hoists him up to do that thing Jerry Lawler did to Andy Kaufman, only faster. Moar headlocks, but Kurt reverses into armlock, then a headlock, but pushes him off, and AJ jumps over Kurt, only for Angle to run into AJ's dropkick. ANgle slips out of the ring, and AJ makes like to fly, but Angle moves away so AJ stays on the apron, and pops back into the ring when Angle goes after him. Angle gets on the apron to get forearmed by AJ, who is NOW ready to fly. Engaging flying, flying engaged. AJ flies onto Kurt Angle. Flying complete.

Now they both in the ring, with AJ going to beat on Angle int he turnbuckle when OMFG MASKED MAN IN BLACK ATTACKS AJ FROM BEHIND and Kurt attacks masked man and clotheslines him out of the ring. lolfail. Who is this black failure here? Security comes around to hold him back. Angle offers his hand to AJ all "lol respect"-like, and they start again. AJ kicks AJ, then irish whips, but AJ whips, then splashes him in the corner with a clothesline, snapmare, but gets caught with a kick, and gets a running powerbomb onto the corner.

Random Commercial-area Thoughts: When I was institutionalized, my brain was studied exhaustively by the guys of mental health. I was interrogated, I was x-rayed, I was examined *thoroughly*. Then, they took everything about me and put it into a computer where they created this model of my mind. Yes! Using that model they managed to generate every thought I could possibly have in the next, say, 10 years. Which they then filtered through a probability matrix of some kind to determine everything I was gonna do in that period. She knows everything I'm ever gonna do before I know it myself.

Oh hey, more wrestling. Angle has a headlock on the other guy, who slowly rises, then arm whips him overhead, then starts punching as they both get up, Kurt runs off, but AJ slams him down now, and irish whips him form a turnbuckle to turnbnuckle, then runs at him only to be BOOTed in the face. He then picks up Angle into a Fireman's Carry-looking thing and OBLIGATORY SURGICALLY REPAIRED NECK REFERENCE. AJ tries to springboard Superhero thing but Angle catches him into a Belly to Belly suplex.

Speaking of which, what the fuck was with that black-covered figure randomly attacking AJ and then getting tossed out like a shithead? Also, AJ tries to pin Angle after some stuff, and gets 2. AJ tries a Styles Clash, but Angle reverses into a catapult into the corner, then German Suplexes. A bunch of them. Three. Angle creeps on a slowly recovering AJ, tries to Olympic Slam, but AJ dodges into an OMFG PELE~!!111 which Angle dodges and gets him in an Ankle Lock, only for A Jay to break out and OMFG PELE~!!11111`1`1 for real. Pin gets 2. AJ tries for his Stylish Clash, but Angle backdrops out, then irish whips AJ into the turnbuckle, runs at him, misses, AJ tries something but Angle slams him down, and pins and gets 2.

The two slowly rise, with Angle up first, and he European Uppercuts AJ, then AJ irish whips him, runs, and gets tossed onto the apron, so he can springboard Superhero attack which hits because he jumped really really really high. Much higher than normal. In fact, I would say it was VERY high.

AJ gets on the top rope now, but Angle springs up rapidly, catches Styles and belly to belly suplays him off the trope. Pin gets 2. Angle now on top rope, misses a Frog Splash as Aj moves away, staggers, then grabs Angle to do a Stylish Clash, and goes for a pin which gets 2. Remember when that move was a guaranteed pinfall? I sure don't.

AJ holds Angle, then hoists him up onto the top rope, following him up, putting him in position to try a superplex, but Angle punches him off, then hits a real Frog Splash, and pin gets 2. SHADES OF A FROG, I guess? AJ gets up and Angle tries to Olympic Slam, but AJ reverses into a DDT, gets 2. People start chanting "WHO NEEDS BRET?" Yah, rly, who needs Bret "Hitman" Clark? Oh yeah, and Angle had an Ankle lock which AJ got out of, got overhead suplexed, then pinned gets 2.

The Taz smuggly stabs at WWE by saying where else can you find wrestling like this at this time right now at this very moment in time on perhaps another channel? AJ moonsaults and hits an inverted DDT on Angle and tries to pin but gets 2. Back on the trope, Angle knocks him on his balls, but AJ fights back, even as Angle punchies on him, only foar Angle to grab him to try to superplay, but AJ holds onto him, and Angle Olympic Slams him off the trope. Pin gets 2.

As they eventually get up, Angle does an Ankle lock, only for AJ to flip in his small amount of space, chucking Angle into the turnbuckle, and an ENZUIGIRI to the side of his head. Now another Styles Clash attempt, and rolsl him over for a pin gets 2. OWH DISAPPOINTMENT! He then tries to do another Styley Clash but Angle revarses into an Ankle lock, and JUST BECAUSE THIS WOULDN'T BE WCW WITHOUT IT, Ric Flair randomly walks out slowly, and stands around to look at the ring. AJ gets loose, and tosses Angle into the turnbuckle, then catches him for a Back Drop on him.

AJ gets on the top rope and does a 450 splash from it (not from the turnbuckle). To fuck with the WWE, they're going LONG! OVER THE 3 HOUR LIMIT. But first, looklistenkneelpray.

When we get back, Angle is in control now, for a little while, and just as AJ gets back in control, the camera wiggles away to show Ric Flair leaving, because he's old and such. AJ styles clashes again, but then goes and does a 450 splash from the top rope onto Angle, and pins.

WINNAR: AJ Stylesz

They shake hands all happy-dappy and stuff and there's a bunch of celebrating, until OMFG HULK HOGAN AGAIN, and AJ and Kurt look... very displeased. So is he a face or heel? Fucking Russo.

Hulk Hogan says those are the two greatest wrestlers in this business today, bruther. He's shilling TNA's greatness and stuff when RANDOM SECURITY GUY just runs up and slams his hands against his ears, whispering something. Hogan runs off. MORE BACKSTAGE SHENINGANS YAY!

Mick Foley is backstage, and he barges into the room where Venis still has his towel, and the Horrible People are topless. Foley wants to know whar be Hoganite. Venis is all like "hehehehehehehh... down the hall and to the left" which Foley repeats a few times, and finds ERIC BISCHOFF in the office that used to be Mick Foley's. Bischoff is all smug and evil, and mocks Mick Foley for thinking he's powerful fo rbeing "executive shareholder", and says Foley has nothing, no power or control, and only one choice---get in line with everyone else and fight for his job.

FOLEY accepted working for Dixie Carter and even Hulk Hogan, but he would NEVAR WORK FOR ERIC BISCHOFF AGAIN. Too late? He says he's gonna get fired by knocking Bischoff's teeth down his throat. The nWo attacks him from behind. Hulk Hogan arrives and we zoom in to his face. And that's it.

Highlights of the Night: AJ Styles vs Kurt Angle, a fast Morgan/Hernandez match that ended quickly, Samoa Joe doing actual wrestling

Lowlights of the Night: The Knorkout matches were average, and seeing Raven being buried by association was stupid.

TNA "Creative" Award Runner-up: Just what in the fuck was the deal with TNA superstars being arbitrarily beaten the shit out of backstage, apparently by a black-figured guy who subsequently shows up in AJ Styles's match and gets tossed out with no further acknowledgement whatsoever? TVTropes has something for this: it's called a Big Lipped Alligator Moment, which is when something COMPLETELY RANDOM happens, and then stops, is not considered unusual, and has no further bearing on the rest of the story.


I will never let them live that down.

You've just been Halonic Death Ray'd, and like I say every week, if I'm not back within two or three weeks, consider me dead.

Feedback if you want: phenomynouss@hotmail.com

Andariel Halo is a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. She can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. She translates ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees. Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, Andy once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. Children trust her. She knows the exact location of every dairy item in the supermarket. She has performed covert operations for the CIA. She's in bed every day, but sleeps once a week, OH! The laws of physics do not apply to her. One time, she shot her friend in the back of the head with a BB gun, and placed all blame on him.


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November 2006


by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).