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TNA Impact Report
by British Bullfrog

09/06/07
 
What's tired, old and running out of ideas? Steven Spielberg.
What else is tired, old and running out of ideas? TNA Impact!

Team Pacman is here to act like dicks before Tenay and West welcome us to the show and tell us about a special announcement taking place at No Surrender. OoOooO. Hey, we've got to the first match without so much as a glimpse of Kurt Angle. Strange...

KAZARIAN vs. TOMKO
Kazarain in control at the start with some kicks and an arm bar. Robert Roode and Miss Brooks are here to scout the match. Tomko begins to take control but Kazarian fights back with some forearm shots. Press Slam attempt by Tomko gets countered by Kazarain who gets some kicks but Tomko hits a powerslam for 2. Kazarian's on the outside and Roode trips him up but fails to follow through. Not for the first time says Brooks. Kazarain goes up top and hits a missile dropkick on Tomko for two. Roode and Brooks argue, probably about that sassy comment, and Kazarian lays out Roode. Tomko takes advantage of this and chokes Kazarian on top but Roode gets a Tornado DDT for 2. Kazarian off the ropes but a big boot by Tomko then a Tree Slam finishes it.
WINNER: TOMKO

Miss Brooks checks on Kazarian after the match. He will not thank her for that as Roode comes in and lays the boots to Kazarian. Roode starts yelling at Brookes and Tomko randomly gets involved and shoves Roode to the ground.

Borash is with Sting and Angle. About damn time, we're almost a quarter of the way into the show and Angle's only just appeared. Jesus, we may have to change the name of the show from Total Nonstop Angle to something else. Sting doesn't trust Angle, but he wants them to work together. High and mighty fucker. Sting says Karen stays in the back and Kurt has no real problem with Sting dissin his lady. Damn straight. You feminists wanted your independence, enjoy it but don't expect me to come running to help you out when it suits. Don't worry, everyone, I'm being ironic. To those Americans who don't understand, it means 'British'.

Harris is being interviewed by an anonymous lady. He is not very happy with Dustin Rhodes leaving him for dead. Not very happy at ALL. He is not going to play games (just in case you thought he was) he is coming for blood!

Samoa Joe is taking a walk as we cut to Team Pacman saying Joe will be there next victim. D'oh! If only they hadn't said it on camera they could've taken him by surprise. Ah well, maybe next time lads.

James Storm is at an AA meeting looking for Rhino. Storm calls the alcoholics pathetic, and gives them a six pack of beer for not telling him where Rhino was. Genius.

SAMOA JOE vs. RAVEN
I'm going to address this quickly and systematically: Raven has a top hat. A craaazy top hat. Thank God he didn't join the new ECW, they would've taken away his dignity. No, he stayed true to his beliefs and stayed at TNA where he could wear all the wacky hats and do all the S&M gimmicks he likes. Wait, what? Raven sends Joe to the outside and Joe throws him into the railing. Slam by Joe and an Olay Kick. They're back in he ring and Joe gets a corner forearm then a running knee. Joe goes for a boot and Raven has the kendo stick! AJ is out and mullers Joe with the kendo stick. Oh it's no DQ by the way, forgot to mention. Commercials! Return from commercials! Joe's battling back with some jabs then gets a back splash for two. Joe sets Raven up on top but Raven rakes him right in his Samoan eyes and gets a knee strike. AJ holds Joe and Raven gets the infamous rag but Joe gets Raven in the choke and that'll do it.
WINNER: SAMOA JOE

Joe attacks AJ but Tomko comes to the rescue. Joe tries to fight them off but Cage comes out and destroys him with a chair. Joe gets handcuffed to the ropes and battered with chair shots. Joe's Dance Team try to protect him, rightly so, but get beaten down by the Coalition. Joe is very very unhappy about this turn of events as the security team hits the ring. What are they doing that causes them to be late every single fucking time?

NON TITLE MATCH
KURT ANGLE & STING vs. JAY LETHAL & ABYSS

Sting and Machismo start us off. Sting is in control until Machismo hits a cartwheel dropkick and tags in Abyss. Abyss demands Angle get tagged in, Sting obliges. Abyss with the wrist lock winding Kurt down but Angle fights back with a back elbow. Abyss with the pres slam though then a big boot. Karen Angle is on her way out as we go to commercial.

We return from commercial after Sting has forced Angle to take Karen to the back. Vader Splash on Machismo by Sting for 2 and Sting is in control. Angle tags in and gets a back breaker for two then a body scissors. Machismo fights to his feet and hits Angle with a head scissors but Angel pulls a release German out of nowhere for 2. Stings in as is Abyss who destroys all in site. Shock Treatment on Angle then a Big Boot to Sting. Machismo goes up top and bounces off Abyss's shoulders for an elbow drop to Angle. Abyss covers for two then chokeslams Angle. Sting breaks up the cover and Machismo elbows away at the sanctimonious one. Head scissors by Machismo sends Sting outside. Abyss has Angle but Angle wriggles out and hits an Angle Slam! The straps are down and hello ankle lock. Abyss rolls out though and hits an enormous Black Hole Slam for a count of three.
WINNERS: Black Machismo and Abyss

Abyss goes under the ring now for his special bag of tricks and shit. But here's James Mitchell! Abyss chases after Mitchell and Team Pacman is here! Killings fights off Sting as Pacman 'autographs' Angle.

The end.

SHOW HIGHLIGHT: Main event was very eventful
SHOW LOWLIGHT: Raven's top hat. I'm sorry but..Jesus Christ.

So that's it for this week and indeed forever. 'Tis with a heavy heart that I announce my resignation as a staffer here at The Wrestling Fan. So long, readers, and thanks for all the nothing. Thanks a lot to Sean Carless for given me the job. Begrudging gestures of gratitude to Joe Merrick and The Anvil's Swagbag for moral and emotional lack of support. I hope you've enjoyed the year and a bit I've been ranting on this show as much as I haven't. I kid, it's been fun.

Good night, wrestling fans.

**** TWF is now looking for a new TNA recapper (umm, obviously.). Therefore, if you have a unique view of Total Nonstop Action, and never get tired of blaming Jeff Jarrett, Dutch Mantell & Vince Russo for the virtual blackhole that is TNA's writing, by all means give'er your best shot and send a sample recap HERE. Join the team! Come for the Humor! Stay for the blowjobs! Join us. Or die.

Send feedback to British Bullfrog

There's very little to say about British Bullfrog that many a youth offender officer hasn't already; and if there is, it's probably already been said by one of the three regular readers of his TNA recaps. Sometimes he wonders whether it's really worth giving up hours a week of his life to recap the awfulness that is Total Nonstop Action Wrestling, but his loyal boss Sean Carless is always on hand with a Prozac to take away the pain.

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TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).