So, I leave town for a week and a half, and I come back to Vince bringing up Montreal again, a rape angle with the World Champion, and the return of Mark Henry who is pushed into the title picture.  I thought I told you guys to mind the store while I was gone?  Oy….

Anyways, the show starts with a recap of last week’s festivities, including the mugging of “Bullet” Bob Armstrong, the debut of Konnan’s new stable, the Tag Team title match from last week, and the debuting Shannon Moore screwing A.J. Styles and Christopher Daniels out of the win.  With that over, the pyro goes off and we get the intro as we start Impact!

The Half-Witz TNA Impact Report 1.7.06

Right away, Mike Tenay informs us that we will see an X-Division 6-man Tag Team Match tonight, as well as Ron “The Truth” Killings taking on Team Canada’s Bobby Roode.  After that, we hear the cartoon bomb whistle as Team 3D comes out to destroy some jobbers already in the ring.

Team 3D vs. Buck Quartermain and Lex Lovett

Wow, these poor jobbers didn’t even get introduced.  Seriously, I had to go on the TNA website to find out who these guys where this match was so short.  Anyways, Brother Ray and Devon attack the jobbers right as the bell rings and toss Lex out of the ring and get a tag team sidewalk slam/faceplant combo on Buck.  Brother Ray continues to beat on the poor kid, who mistakenly tries to mount a little offense and tags in Lex Lovett, which Brother Ray responds to by nearly breaking the kid’s collarbone with a hard clothesline.  Devon is then tagged in and Lex gets a double flapjack for his troubles and a shoulderblock by Devon mid-ring.  A huge powerslam by Devon sets up the 3-D on Lovett for the duke.

The Winnah:  Team 3-D

Match Rating: 1/5.  Total squash, the poor kid’s didn’t even get announced on TV.  Is it just me, or is for every pound of muscle that Devon puts on (and trust me, he is getting to be near Lashley level, though his head isn’t shrinking yet) Brother Ray puts on 6 lbs. of fat.  Seriously, the guy is looking like he studied under the Vader workout program which apparently involves digesting large amounts of fried pig parts.

After the match, Brother Ray grabs the mic and asks the vendor to bring him a large churro.  No, just kidding, he says that now they get down to business.  He says that Team 3-D has had 18 Tag Team Title Reigns in ECW (cheers from crowd), WCW (mixed reaction from crowd), and casually lists WWE last (which the crowd boos heavily).  He then says that they would give up all 18 title wins for 1 NWA Tag Team Title reign, and then he really puts over the belts as the #1 Tag Team Titles in the business.  He says that a NWA Tag-Team Title reign will make them the greatest Tag Team of all time and even separate them from the Road Warriors.  Um, guys?  Hawk and Animal won the NWA Tag Titles from the Midnight Express in October of 1988, while NWA was still associated with WCW and the belts were still called the NWA Tag Titles.  Ah, I don’t blame Brother Ray (can’t I just call him Bubba, please?), if it’s not a line of microwave pizzas, he probably wouldn’t know the history.

Sonjay Dutt is shown giving Sting the rub he sorely needs coming into TNA by saying that Sting has legions of fans and that the roster will be improved on TNA with Sting coming. 

It’s time for the commercials and that damn Morphoplex ad.

We come back to see Shane Douglas backstage asking America’s Most Wanted about Team 3-D’s recent comments.  Jeff Jarrett interrupts and says that Team 3-D will be another notch in their belts.  He then starts to bash Sting by saying that he hasn’t been on TV in 5 years and that bringing Sting in is TNA management’s last gasp to get the NWA Heavyweight Title off of Jarrett’s waist.  He says that his group is going to do their own tribute to Sting tonight.  Eric Young, in a hilarious moment, pipes up and asks “Uh, won’t that make him mad?”  Jeff looks at Young like he just fucked his mother and tells him of course it will, that’s the fucking idea.  Good stuff.  Coach Scott D’amore then comes up with an envelope that he says he got from Jackie Gayda, and tells Jeff that he already read half of it, and that it mentions Canada several times (what, the country?).  He asks Jeff if he should be worried.  Jeff brushes him off and leaves and Gail Kim tries her best to act pissed off.

Homicide and Apolo w/ Konnan vs. The Naturals

Konnan grabs the mic and says that B.G. betrayed him by letting Kip James into 3 Live Kru, and that he was just responding in kind by attacking him and his father, “Bullet” Bob Armstrong.  He then says now that he has Homicide and Apolo with him, it is a Latino Thing.  The Naturals come out, but before they can even get there ring jackets off, Homicide and Apolo ambush them from behind.  Andy Douglas and Chase Stevens eventually turn the tide, but Konnan then gets in the ring and smacks the referee like he owes Konnan money, resulting in the bell being rung.  Konnan then pulls out something resembling a large Magnum Condom (Tenay says it’s a blackjack), and beats on Stevens and Douglas with it, before Kip and B.G. James come into to try to make the save.  Kip gets ambushed by Apolo though and then thrown into a turnbuckle on the outside, as B.G. and Konnan stare each other down in the ring, before B.G. is hit from behind by Homicide and B.G. then gets beat with the Black Condom of Death until Kip comes in with a chair and chases the bad Latinos off.

The Winnah:  No Contest

We then see Chris Sabin remarking about his favorite Sting moment is when he beat Hulk Hogan at Starrcade 1997 with Bret Hart as the referee.  They actually show Sting’s face for the first time during this, but unfortunately for Jarrett and company, the Orange Goblin doesn’t put in an appearance. 

It’s Peanut Butter Commercial Time!!

We come back to Shane Douglas standing outside Larry Zbyszko’s office, and Jackie Gayda comes barging out in a huff screaming at Larry not to touch her and that she could bring this company to its’ knees.  Funny, I would have thought it would have been the other way around.  She then leaves in a huff.  Alex Shelley, Austin Aries, and Roderick Strong then come up to Zbyszko demanding why they aren’t getting X Division Title shots and that the X Division is only built around Christopher Daniels, A.J. Styles, and Samoa Joe.  Austin says that they are the best athletes in TNA and that they aren’t even on the upcoming PPV.  Austin then states that it may be time for the Next Generation of stars to step up (which gets a big pop from the crowd.  In Ring of Honor, Shelley, Aries, Strong, along with Jack Evans made up a popular heel stable of up and coming stars called Generation Next, with Shelley being the de facto leader of the group.  Eventually, in what I think the Orton/HHH angle should have been like, Aries got a title shot against Samoa Joe for the ROH World Title, and Aries and the rest kicked Shelley out of the group, effectively catapulting the group to main event status.  Just a bit o’ trivia for ya).  Larry says that he is sick and tired of their whining and that they have to earn their spots like he did at their age and win more matches.  He says they sound like his wife and all the do is complain (Damn, Larry!).  Jerry Lynn then comes out and yells at them for whining and then informs that they have a match later tonight against Chris Sabin, A.J. Styles, and Christopher Daniels, so they better get ready.

Ron “The Truth” Killings vs. Bobby Roode w/ Coach Scott D’amore

The bell rings and Killings immediately gets a roll-up for a 3 count.  Match didn’t even last 5 seconds. 

The Winnah:  Ron “The Truth” Killings

Roode gets on the mic and says he wasn’t ready and challenges Killings by calling him a “thug”, as the crowd chants “1, 2, 3” at Roode.  Killings slides into the ring and Roode starts to beat on him in the corner and chokes him with his boot.  Roode then goes to grab the hockey stick that D’amore had tossed into the ring, but Killings rolls him up again for another 3 count.

The Winnah: Ron  “The Truth” Killings

This time, it’s D’amore who gets on the mic and challenges Killings.  Killings chases after D’amore ringside, allowing Roode to ambush him with a hard clothesline.  Back in the ring, the bell is rung once again as Roode beats on Killings before getting a snapmare and a headlock.  Killings eventually powers out and hits a pair of flying clotheslines and a running powerslam for a 2 count.  D’amore then gets in the ring and hits nothing but air with the hockey stick, but before Killings can hit the Axe Kick on D’amore, Roode hits him from behind with the Northern Lariat (think Clothesline from Hell) for the 3 count.

The Winnah:  Bobby Roode

Match Rating: 0/5.  What a stupid fucking thing to do.  Seriously, Bobby Roode (who they are reportedly supposed to be pushing into the stratosphere right now) looked like an idiot out there by getting pinned TWICE with a roll-up.  That in itself isn’t wrong, but when they had a 3^rd match and made Killings look like a chump, it didn’t do anything but make both wrestlers look stupid.  Meh, maybe I’m just sore because my beloved Giants just got their collective asses handed to them.

A.J. Styles is then shown talking about how he was a big fan of when Old School Sting became Crow Sting as we go to commercial.

Impact comes back to show Shane Douglas backstage interviewing the X Division Champion, Samoa Joe.  Shane asks Joe about his upcoming PPV match with Christopher Daniels, which is met with silence.  Shane then asks Joe if he is going to get the silent treatment, to which Joe grabs the mic and pushes Shane away.  Joe states that Shane needs to ask Daniels about the man who put him in the hospital with a grade 3 concussion and made Daniels unable to hold his newborn baby.  Joe says that there is a thin line between bravery and stupidity and that come Final Resolution, he is going to bring a blank canvas to paint on with Daniels’s blood, as he holds up a fresh towel, and he is going to end Daniels’s career.  Shane then asks him about Sting coming to TNA, which Joe responds to by looking at him like Shane is an idiot and then walking away.

Austin Aries, Roderick Strong, and Alex Shelley vs. “The Fallen Angel” Christopher Daniels, Chris Sabin, and “The Phenomenal” A.J. Styles.

Aries, Strong, and Shelley all come out together to Shelley’s music as Shelley sets up his camera to film Strong posing and flexing in front of the ring.  Um….ok, apparently a Gay Porn Director gimmick is gonna get him over.  Whatthehellever.  Daniels, Sabin, and Styles then make their way down as we go to commercial. 

We come back to see Sabin and Shelley starting things off with Shelley trying to work on Sabin’s arm, but Sabin rolling through with some acrobatics and a flip off the top turnbuckle.  A series of quick exchanges leads to Sabin getting a head scissors and a Stinger Splash in the corner before running into Shelley’s foot.  Shelley gets a head scissors takedown before Sabin throws technical wrestling right out the fucking window and just grabs ahold of Shelley’s balls.  Hey, whatever works.  Shelley manages to tag in Strong, who receives (yet another) head scissors take down from Sabin, who then tags in Daniels, who almost immediately tags in Styles, which leads to a double suplex on Strong.  Daniels then holds Strong on the ground long enough for Styles to hit his Running Flying Knee Drop.  The pace then picks up more as Styles hits a vicious running dropkick on Strong, before Strong tags Shelley back in.  Shelley then gets a belly to back suplex on Styles and then sets up possibly the gayest move in sports entertainment, the Crotch Slam, where he locks his opponents head between his knees and repeatedly humps the guy’s head into the mat.  Uh…..sexual tension…..tingling….

Shelley tags Strong back in and they get a Double Underhook Suplex on Styles for a 2 count.  Strong then tags Shelley back in (what, does Aries smell or something?)  and Shelley catapults Styles right into a Yakuza Kick from Strong.  Immediately after this Aries jumps off the top rope with a Senton Bomb on Styles as the pace of the match goes all the way up to 11.  Strong then throws Shelley into Styles in the corner for dueling splashes, and then Aries hits a running dropkick on A.J. in the corner that looked like it fucking killed both men.  Aries, now the legal man, tries to take control of Styles, but Styles hits the Pelé Kick, which allows him to tag in Daniels.

Daniels cleans house and gets a backbreaker on Aries.  He then takes hold of both Strong and Shelley and does a reverse DDT/Rock Bottom at the same time.  Sweetness.  Sabin comes in and knocks Shelley out of the ring with a Missile Dropkick, and then both Daniels and Sabin dive to the floor onto Aries and Strong.  Aries recovers first and grabs a chair to use on Daniels, but Styles comes out of nowhere and hits a dropkick.  Back in the ring, Sabin sets up the Cradleshock on Shelley, but before he can hit it, Strong breaks it up and fucking plants Sabin mid-ring with a hard Gutbuster.  Shelley then hits the Asai DDT off the ropes on Sabin for the surprise 3 count.

The Winnah:  Alex Shelley, Roderick Strong, and Austin Aries

Match Rating:  4/5.  Very fast paced match. Seriously, the last 2 paragraphs happened within 3 minutes.  It was a nice spot filled match, that while it did not contain a lot of technical wrestling skills, it shows why TNA differs from WWE.  They are willing to let 6 hungry guys go at it on live TV.  Very nice.

Christian Cage is then shown talking about Sting and how Sting brings credibility to the TNA roster as we go to our final commercial break.

When we come back, Jeff Jarrett is already on his way to the ring with a mic in his hand.  He says that TNA wants Sting  to be the face of TNA in the year 2006.  In a funny moment, the crowd is already chanting “Boring!” as soon as Jeff touches the mic.  Jarrett says that he is going to give his own tribute to Sting, since he knows Sting the best out of anyone on the roster.  He then calls out the Early Years Sting, which is Eric Young in face paint and the Sergeant Pepper glitter jacket (which I like to call a Dick Jacket).  Wait, didn’t Jarrett already do this promo in WCW in 1999?  Anyway, as Young flexes comically, Jarrett says that this Sting went to a draw at the first Clash and won the WCW Title from Flair in 1990.  He then says we are going to flash forward to 10 years later, 1996.  Um…..ok.  Thought that would be 2000, but what do I know, I failed Calculus.  He then brings out Crow Sting and his pet Crow, which is Chris Harris in the Sting makeup accompanied by James Storm in a big Chicken outfit.  Heh.  Jarrett says he knows what Sting looks like now.  He’s older and wiser and is a family man, so out comes Monty Brown dressed like Tiger woods, only with Sting make-up on, pushing a stroller with a “baby Sting” in it.  Man, I don’t know what the hell Sting is taking, but that is one hell of a fucking tan, better than Hogan’s even.  Monty Sting then cuts the promo of his career (really) and baby talks to the Lil’ Stinger before saying Sting is a joke….because that’s how he strolls.  Told ya, best promo of his career. 

Christian Cage then comes out and says that he has both bad news and good news.  The bad news is that Jarrett and company are embarrassing themselves and are a bunch of jackasses.  The Good News is that he saved a bunch of money on his car insurance.  Nice.  Monty Sting (who I could come up with about 6 more names for, but they are all very offensive and the last thing I need is a pipe bomb in the mail) challenges Christian to come down to the ring.  Christian then calls Team 3-D to the ring and a brawl ensues in the ring, as the Storm Chicken just runs around the ring as everybody else beats the crap out of one another.  The good guys run off Harris, Young, Monty Sting, and Jarrett, before tossing the Storm Chicken over the ropes.  Abyss then comes in and absolutely decimates all 3 good guys, before turning around and getting met by Rhino with the GORE! GORE! GORE! to close the show.

The “Money” Spot of the Night:  While the Joe Promo was very well done, this weeks Money Spot trophy goes to Austin Aries for damn near killing himself and A.J. with a completely vicious dropkick.  Bonus points for not actually killing A.J. with the dropkick, which is something Sonny Siaki has yet to pull off.

Overall analysis:  A fun little show, with a very good X Division match at the end that showcases what TNA has over WWE.  Only thing is that the main guy on TNA now…..still hasn’t debuting.  There is only so much they can do without Sting there.  Hopefully this will lead to something better after Final Resolution.

Pimping for the New Year!

Check out how everyone outshines me in this year’s Fanny Awards.  I feel like such a mediocre writer next to these guys, so check it out and then make fun of me.

The other resident druggie, Dr. Gonzo, takes a look at the sexual life of THE DAVE over at the Alcohol-Fueled Smackdown Report.

Renee takes a look at Chris Masters and….defends him?  What the hell?  Check it out and find out what I mean.

Joe Merrick updates Low Blow and looks back on Wrestling Bloopers and shit that made us laugh.   I forgot half this shit happened, so make sure to check it out.

Well, that’s it for this week.  Me?  I’m off to the bars to get drunk and watch New Year’s Revolution and drown my sorrows about my Giants fucking themselves in the ass.  See you in 7.