Home | Columns & Rants | Satire | Entertainment | Media | Archives | Forum

December 10, 2005
December 17, 2005
December 24, 2005
January 07, 2006

by Alexander Horowitz


Hey there party people!  Witzdude here back after a 2 week hiatus from the Berkshire Mountains in lovely Massachusetts.  Sorry I didn’t do a recap last week, but you people have no idea of how drunk I got on New Years Eve.  According to photographic documentation and several receipts from nearby liquor stores, I ingested something around 2 ˝ bottles of champagne, 8 bottles of Killian’s, 3 shots of Jager, 1 shot of tequila, 1 vodka martini, and at least 6 shots of girly drinks.  I was hung over until late Monday afternoon, so I was effectively drunk and hung over for at least 36 hours.  I also apparently took my rage out on my cousin’s friend’s coffee table.  I dunno, maybe I should quit drinking.


So, I leave town for a week and a half, and I come back to Vince bringing up Montreal again, a rape angle with the World Champion, and the return of Mark Henry who is pushed into the title picture.  I thought I told you guys to mind the store while I was gone?  Oy….


Anyways, the show starts with a recap of last week’s festivities, including the mugging of “Bullet” Bob Armstrong, the debut of Konnan’s new stable, the Tag Team title match from last week, and the debuting Shannon Moore screwing A.J. Styles and Christopher Daniels out of the win.  With that over, the pyro goes off and we get the intro as we start Impact!


The Half-Witz TNA Impact Report 1.7.06


Right away, Mike Tenay informs us that we will see an X-Division 6-man Tag Team Match tonight, as well as Ron “The Truth” Killings taking on Team Canada’s Bobby Roode.  After that, we hear the cartoon bomb whistle as Team 3D comes out to destroy some jobbers already in the ring.


Team 3D vs. Buck Quartermain and Lex Lovett


Wow, these poor jobbers didn’t even get introduced.  Seriously, I had to go on the TNA website to find out who these guys where this match was so short.  Anyways, Brother Ray and Devon attack the jobbers right as the bell rings and toss Lex out of the ring and get a tag team sidewalk slam/faceplant combo on Buck.  Brother Ray continues to beat on the poor kid, who mistakenly tries to mount a little offense and tags in Lex Lovett, which Brother Ray responds to by nearly breaking the kid’s collarbone with a hard clothesline.  Devon is then tagged in and Lex gets a double flapjack for his troubles and a shoulderblock by Devon mid-ring.  A huge powerslam by Devon sets up the 3-D on Lovett for the duke.

The Winnah:  Team 3-D


Match Rating: 1/5.  Total squash, the poor kid’s didn’t even get announced on TV.  Is it just me, or is for every pound of muscle that Devon puts on (and trust me, he is getting to be near Lashley level, though his head isn’t shrinking yet) Brother Ray puts on 6 lbs. of fat.  Seriously, the guy is looking like he studied under the Vader workout program which apparently involves digesting large amounts of fried pig parts.

After the match, Brother Ray grabs the mic and asks the vendor to bring him a large churro.  No, just kidding, he says that now they get down to business.  He says that Team 3-D has had 18 Tag Team Title Reigns in ECW (cheers from crowd), WCW (mixed reaction from crowd), and casually lists WWE last (which the crowd boos heavily).  He then says that they would give up all 18 title wins for 1 NWA Tag Team Title reign, and then he really puts over the belts as the #1 Tag Team Titles in the business.  He says that a NWA Tag-Team Title reign will make them the greatest Tag Team of all time and even separate them from the Road Warriors.  Um, guys?  Hawk and Animal won the NWA Tag Titles from the Midnight Express in October of 1988, while NWA was still associated with WCW and the belts were still called the NWA Tag Titles.  Ah, I don’t blame Brother Ray (can’t I just call him Bubba, please?), if it’s not a line of microwave pizzas, he probably wouldn’t know the history.


Sonjay Dutt is shown giving Sting the rub he sorely needs coming into TNA by saying that Sting has legions of fans and that the roster will be improved on TNA with Sting coming. 


It’s time for the commercials and that damn Morphoplex ad.


We come back to see Shane Douglas backstage asking America’s Most Wanted about Team 3-D’s recent comments.  Jeff Jarrett interrupts and says that Team 3-D will be another notch in their belts.  He then starts to bash Sting by saying that he hasn’t been on TV in 5 years and that bringing Sting in is TNA management’s last gasp to get the NWA Heavyweight Title off of Jarrett’s waist.  He says that his group is going to do their own tribute to Sting tonight.  Eric Young, in a hilarious moment, pipes up and asks “Uh, won’t that make him mad?”  Jeff looks at Young like he just fucked his mother and tells him of course it will, that’s the fucking idea.  Good stuff.  Coach Scott D’amore then comes up with an envelope that he says he got from Jackie Gayda, and tells Jeff that he already read half of it, and that it mentions Canada several times (what, the country?).  He asks Jeff if he should be worried.  Jeff brushes him off and leaves and Gail Kim tries her best to act pissed off.


Homicide and Apolo w/ Konnan vs. The Naturals


Konnan grabs the mic and says that B.G. betrayed him by letting Kip James into 3 Live Kru, and that he was just responding in kind by attacking him and his father, “Bullet” Bob Armstrong.  He then says now that he has Homicide and Apolo with him, it is a Latino Thing.  The Naturals come out, but before they can even get there ring jackets off, Homicide and Apolo ambush them from behind.  Andy Douglas and Chase Stevens eventually turn the tide, but Konnan then gets in the ring and smacks the referee like he owes Konnan money, resulting in the bell being rung.  Konnan then pulls out something resembling a large Magnum Condom (Tenay says it’s a blackjack), and beats on Stevens and Douglas with it, before Kip and B.G. James come into to try to make the save.  Kip gets ambushed by Apolo though and then thrown into a turnbuckle on the outside, as B.G. and Konnan stare each other down in the ring, before B.G. is hit from behind by Homicide and B.G. then gets beat with the Black Condom of Death until Kip comes in with a chair and chases the bad Latinos off.

The Winnah:  No Contest


We then see Chris Sabin remarking about his favorite Sting moment is when he beat Hulk Hogan at Starrcade 1997 with Bret Hart as the referee.  They actually show Sting’s face for the first time during this, but unfortunately for Jarrett and company, the Orange Goblin doesn’t put in an appearance. 


It’s Peanut Butter Commercial Time!!


We come back to Shane Douglas standing outside Larry Zbyszko’s office, and Jackie Gayda comes barging out in a huff screaming at Larry not to touch her and that she could bring this company to its’ knees.  Funny, I would have thought it would have been the other way around.  She then leaves in a huff.  Alex Shelley, Austin Aries, and Roderick Strong then come up to Zbyszko demanding why they aren’t getting X Division Title shots and that the X Division is only built around Christopher Daniels, A.J. Styles, and Samoa Joe.  Austin says that they are the best athletes in TNA and that they aren’t even on the upcoming PPV.  Austin then states that it may be time for the Next Generation of stars to step up (which gets a big pop from the crowd.  In Ring of Honor, Shelley, Aries, Strong, along with Jack Evans made up a popular heel stable of up and coming stars called Generation Next, with Shelley being the de facto leader of the group.  Eventually, in what I think the Orton/HHH angle should have been like, Aries got a title shot against Samoa Joe for the ROH World Title, and Aries and the rest kicked Shelley out of the group, effectively catapulting the group to main event status.  Just a bit o’ trivia for ya).  Larry says that he is sick and tired of their whining and that they have to earn their spots like he did at their age and win more matches.  He says they sound like his wife and all the do is complain (Damn, Larry!).  Jerry Lynn then comes out and yells at them for whining and then informs that they have a match later tonight against Chris Sabin, A.J. Styles, and Christopher Daniels, so they better get ready.


Ron “The Truth” Killings vs. Bobby Roode w/ Coach Scott D’amore


The bell rings and Killings immediately gets a roll-up for a 3 count.  Match didn’t even last 5 seconds. 

The Winnah:  Ron “The Truth” Killings


Roode gets on the mic and says he wasn’t ready and challenges Killings by calling him a “thug”, as the crowd chants “1, 2, 3” at Roode.  Killings slides into the ring and Roode starts to beat on him in the corner and chokes him with his boot.  Roode then goes to grab the hockey stick that D’amore had tossed into the ring, but Killings rolls him up again for another 3 count.

The Winnah: Ron  “The Truth” Killings


This time, it’s D’amore who gets on the mic and challenges Killings.  Killings chases after D’amore ringside, allowing Roode to ambush him with a hard clothesline.  Back in the ring, the bell is rung once again as Roode beats on Killings before getting a snapmare and a headlock.  Killings eventually powers out and hits a pair of flying clotheslines and a running powerslam for a 2 count.  D’amore then gets in the ring and hits nothing but air with the hockey stick, but before Killings can hit the Axe Kick on D’amore, Roode hits him from behind with the Northern Lariat (think Clothesline from Hell) for the 3 count.

The Winnah:  Bobby Roode


Match Rating: 0/5.  What a stupid fucking thing to do.  Seriously, Bobby Roode (who they are reportedly supposed to be pushing into the stratosphere right now) looked like an idiot out there by getting pinned TWICE with a roll-up.  That in itself isn’t wrong, but when they had a 3rd match and made Killings look like a chump, it didn’t do anything but make both wrestlers look stupid.  Meh, maybe I’m just sore because my beloved Giants just got their collective asses handed to them.


A.J. Styles is then shown talking about how he was a big fan of when Old School Sting became Crow Sting as we go to commercial.


Impact comes back to show Shane Douglas backstage interviewing the X Division Champion, Samoa Joe.  Shane asks Joe about his upcoming PPV match with Christopher Daniels, which is met with silence.  Shane then asks Joe if he is going to get the silent treatment, to which Joe grabs the mic and pushes Shane away.  Joe states that Shane needs to ask Daniels about the man who put him in the hospital with a grade 3 concussion and made Daniels unable to hold his newborn baby.  Joe says that there is a thin line between bravery and stupidity and that come Final Resolution, he is going to bring a blank canvas to paint on with Daniels’s blood, as he holds up a fresh towel, and he is going to end Daniels’s career.  Shane then asks him about Sting coming to TNA, which Joe responds to by looking at him like Shane is an idiot and then walking away.


Austin Aries, Roderick Strong, and Alex Shelley vs. “The Fallen Angel” Christopher Daniels, Chris Sabin, and “The Phenomenal” A.J. Styles.


Aries, Strong, and Shelley all come out together to Shelley’s music as Shelley sets up his camera to film Strong posing and flexing in front of the ring.  Um….ok, apparently a Gay Porn Director gimmick is gonna get him over.  Whatthehellever.  Daniels, Sabin, and Styles then make their way down as we go to commercial. 


We come back to see Sabin and Shelley starting things off with Shelley trying to work on Sabin’s arm, but Sabin rolling through with some acrobatics and a flip off the top turnbuckle.  A series of quick exchanges leads to Sabin getting a head scissors and a Stinger Splash in the corner before running into Shelley’s foot.  Shelley gets a head scissors takedown before Sabin throws technical wrestling right out the fucking window and just grabs ahold of Shelley’s balls.  Hey, whatever works.  Shelley manages to tag in Strong, who receives (yet another) head scissors take down from Sabin, who then tags in Daniels, who almost immediately tags in Styles, which leads to a double suplex on Strong.  Daniels then holds Strong on the ground long enough for Styles to hit his Running Flying Knee Drop.  The pace then picks up more as Styles hits a vicious running dropkick on Strong, before Strong tags Shelley back in.  Shelley then gets a belly to back suplex on Styles and then sets up possibly the gayest move in sports entertainment, the Crotch Slam, where he locks his opponents head between his knees and repeatedly humps the guy’s head into the mat.  Uh…..sexual tension…..tingling….


Shelley tags Strong back in and they get a Double Underhook Suplex on Styles for a 2 count.  Strong then tags Shelley back in (what, does Aries smell or something?)  and Shelley catapults Styles right into a Yakuza Kick from Strong.  Immediately after this Aries jumps off the top rope with a Senton Bomb on Styles as the pace of the match goes all the way up to 11.  Strong then throws Shelley into Styles in the corner for dueling splashes, and then Aries hits a running dropkick on A.J. in the corner that looked like it fucking killed both men.  Aries, now the legal man, tries to take control of Styles, but Styles hits the Pelé Kick, which allows him to tag in Daniels.


Daniels cleans house and gets a backbreaker on Aries.  He then takes hold of both Strong and Shelley and does a reverse DDT/Rock Bottom at the same time.  Sweetness.  Sabin comes in and knocks Shelley out of the ring with a Missile Dropkick, and then both Daniels and Sabin dive to the floor onto Aries and Strong.  Aries recovers first and grabs a chair to use on Daniels, but Styles comes out of nowhere and hits a dropkick.  Back in the ring, Sabin sets up the Cradleshock on Shelley, but before he can hit it, Strong breaks it up and fucking plants Sabin mid-ring with a hard Gutbuster.  Shelley then hits the Asai DDT off the ropes on Sabin for the surprise 3 count.

The Winnah:  Alex Shelley, Roderick Strong, and Austin Aries


Match Rating:  4/5.  Very fast paced match. Seriously, the last 2 paragraphs happened within 3 minutes.  It was a nice spot filled match, that while it did not contain a lot of technical wrestling skills, it shows why TNA differs from WWE.  They are willing to let 6 hungry guys go at it on live TV.  Very nice.


Christian Cage is then shown talking about Sting and how Sting brings credibility to the TNA roster as we go to our final commercial break.


When we come back, Jeff Jarrett is already on his way to the ring with a mic in his hand.  He says that TNA wants Sting  to be the face of TNA in the year 2006.  In a funny moment, the crowd is already chanting “Boring!” as soon as Jeff touches the mic.  Jarrett says that he is going to give his own tribute to Sting, since he knows Sting the best out of anyone on the roster.  He then calls out the Early Years Sting, which is Eric Young in face paint and the Sergeant Pepper glitter jacket (which I like to call a Dick Jacket).  Wait, didn’t Jarrett already do this promo in WCW in 1999?  Anyway, as Young flexes comically, Jarrett says that this Sting went to a draw at the first Clash and won the WCW Title from Flair in 1990.  He then says we are going to flash forward to 10 years later, 1996.  Um…..ok.  Thought that would be 2000, but what do I know, I failed Calculus.  He then brings out Crow Sting and his pet Crow, which is Chris Harris in the Sting makeup accompanied by James Storm in a big Chicken outfit.  Heh.  Jarrett says he knows what Sting looks like now.  He’s older and wiser and is a family man, so out comes Monty Brown dressed like Tiger woods, only with Sting make-up on, pushing a stroller with a “baby Sting” in it.  Man, I don’t know what the hell Sting is taking, but that is one hell of a fucking tan, better than Hogan’s even.  Monty Sting then cuts the promo of his career (really) and baby talks to the Lil’ Stinger before saying Sting is a joke….because that’s how he strolls.  Told ya, best promo of his career. 


Christian Cage then comes out and says that he has both bad news and good news.  The bad news is that Jarrett and company are embarrassing themselves and are a bunch of jackasses.  The Good News is that he saved a bunch of money on his car insurance.  Nice.  Monty Sting (who I could come up with about 6 more names for, but they are all very offensive and the last thing I need is a pipe bomb in the mail) challenges Christian to come down to the ring.  Christian then calls Team 3-D to the ring and a brawl ensues in the ring, as the Storm Chicken just runs around the ring as everybody else beats the crap out of one another.  The good guys run off Harris, Young, Monty Sting, and Jarrett, before tossing the Storm Chicken over the ropes.  Abyss then comes in and absolutely decimates all 3 good guys, before turning around and getting met by Rhino with the GORE! GORE! GORE! to close the show.


The “Money” Spot of the Night:  While the Joe Promo was very well done, this weeks Money Spot trophy goes to Austin Aries for damn near killing himself and A.J. with a completely vicious dropkick.  Bonus points for not actually killing A.J. with the dropkick, which is something Sonny Siaki has yet to pull off.


Overall analysis:  A fun little show, with a very good X Division match at the end that showcases what TNA has over WWE.  Only thing is that the main guy on TNA now…..still hasn’t debuting.  There is only so much they can do without Sting there.  Hopefully this will lead to something better after Final Resolution.


Pimping for the New Year!


Check out how everyone outshines me in this year’s Fanny Awards.  I feel like such a mediocre writer next to these guys, so check it out and then make fun of me.


The other resident druggie, Dr. Gonzo, takes a look at the sexual life of THE DAVE over at the Alcohol-Fueled Smackdown Report.


Renee takes a look at Chris Masters and….defends him?  What the hell?  Check it out and find out what I mean.


Joe Merrick updates Low Blow and looks back on Wrestling Bloopers and shit that made us laugh.   I forgot half this shit happened, so make sure to check it out.



Well, that’s it for this week.  Me?  I’m off to the bars to get drunk and watch New Year’s Revolution and drown my sorrows about my Giants fucking themselves in the ass.  See you in 7.



Happy Holidays from your resident decadent Jew!  Hope you all had a great Xmas and drank plenty of eggnog or whatever the fuck it is you people do on the 25th.  Honestly looks like a bunch of drinking and giving kids expensive crap they don’t need in my view, though I have figured out that it has something to do with roasted chestnuts and pine trees.  Mel Gibson tried to explain it to me once, but I was drunk and I don’t listen when the Road Warrior opens his mouth anyways.  On with the recap!


We start off with a video package of the “lines being drawn” in the war between Jarrett’s team and the babyface team of Team 3D, Christian Cage, and Rhino, plus THE NEW FACE OF TNA THAT SURELY WON’T BE A HUGE FLOP……Sting.  After the video package, we are told that we will see both Abyss in action and Christopher Daniels in his in-ring return.




We are greeted by the face of smilin’ Mike Tenay (which will give me nightmares for fucking weeks) as he asks us if Sting is really coming to TNA?  Um, how the fuck should I know?  Why the hell are you asking me? 


Since this is the birthday of the baby Easter bunny (right?), Santa Claus naturally comes out, accompanied by “Santa’s Little Helper”, Traci, dressed in nothin’ but felt and tinsel and suckin’ on a candy cane.  Strangely enough, he is announced as Santa Clause, with an “e”.  Jesus, I didn’t realize that Tim Allen was that hard-up for cash.  I know “Christmas with the Kranks” sucked scrotum, but still.  Anyways, I thought he’d be more preoccupied with another type of white powder during the holiday season.  Meh.


Before Santa can get a word in, the lights dim and the countdown begins on the TNAtron and Chris Jericho Christian Cage comes out, looking more emo than ever. Christian asks Santa if he still knows where he lives and what can he do to look more like a world champion.  Hell, my advice would be to knock boots with Jarrett, but that’s a whole ‘nother story (hey, how else can Siaki have a job?).  Santa says that he has some stuff for Christian to look more like a respectable world champion, starting with white jeans.  Christian laughs and asks if this is 1985.  Santa then gives Christian a shirt that has a good slogan that a world champion would have, it’s Jarrett’s old WWF “Don’t Piss Me Off” shirt.  Christian, in the line of the night, looks at it for a second, then says “That’s Money”.  Hey!  That motherfucker stole my slogan!  Santa then gives Jeff Christian a pair of Jarrett looking sunglasses as the crowd starts to chant “Double C”, and I can’t figure out if it’s directed at Christian or Traci.  Santa then says he has things to do, while looking at Traci (to which the crowd chants “Stuff her Stocking”), but not before handing Jeff Christian a ukulele, while Christian begins to do the Jarrett strut.  Before Christian can cut a promo though, Monty Brown and the real Jeff Jarrett (I think, it could be that Jackie Gayda cut her hair) come down to beat him down, but Christian escapes up the ramp as the Sting scorpion flashes on the TNAtron once more.


You still have about 40 minutes to be crap for Xmas, so take note of the commercials.


As we come back, Shane Douglas is interviewing Christopher Daniels.  Shane asks Daniels if he’s bitten off more than he can chew when he challenged Samoa Joe.  I’ll say, the guy weighs 290 fucking pounds.  Daniels says that he has never backed down from a fight and never taken the easy roads in his 13 years in the business.  He asks Joe what is the worst that he can do to him?  He then vows to end Joe’s winning streak, take back his title, and then rip Joe’s heart out (!).  He then rips Shane’s heart out all the while muttering “Kalie Ma! Kalie Ma!”  Ok, I made that last part up, I’m drunk, whaddya want?


“The Fallen Angel” Christopher Daniels vs. Eric Young w/ Coach D’amore


Eric Young comes out first, and channels the spirit of Gillberg by being scared of his pyro.  He also channels the spirit of Gene Snitsky be having some of the worst fucking backne I’ve seen since Eddie.  Ew.  As the match gets started, Alex Shelley comes down to film the match.


The match starts with some basic brawling, but Daniels soon gains the upperhand until he misses a Yakuza kick, which Young capatilizes on by tripping him and stomping him on the mat.  Daniels escapes to the side, and takes the time to do some stretches and jumping jacks before climbing into the ring and giving Young a vicious STO, which leads to a 2 count.  Young recovers and rams Daniels into 3 consecutive turnbuckles, before Daniels fights back and shoves Young across the ring.  At this time, we see that Shannon Moore is back on the top of the TNAtron with the sign “The X division needs to be Punk’d!”, and Don West once again earns my eternal hatred by calling him the Prince of Punk again.


Back in the match, Young climbs up top for a moonsault, but Daniels catches him MID-FUCKING MOONSAULT to slam him on his stomach.  Sweet.  Daniels then hits an enzuiguri and a rock bottom, which sets up the Best MoonSault Evah, which he easily hits.  Before he can get the 3 count though, D’amore jumps up on the apron to distract the ref.  Daniels uses this time to hit the Angel’s Wings on Young, and pins him just as the ref turns around for the 3 count.

The Winnah: “The Fallen Angel” Christopher Daniels


Match Rating: 3/5.  Good match that showcased Daniels abilities here, and it had that amazing spot where Daniels carried Young over mid-moonsault.  It seemed like they tried to cram too many angels in here though, what with Daniels/Joe, Shelley, and Moore all being focal points.  But hey, they only have an hour, so I can’t complain.


We go backstage to see Kip James, B.G. James, and “Bullet” Bob Armstrong.  Bullet says that he thought that 4 Live Kru had it all together, but it all fell apart (Isn’t that a Linkin Park lyric?).  Bullet vows that he can fix it, if only he can talk to Konnan and the Truth.  Kip and B.G. say that it can’t be fixed, but Bullet assures them he’ll take care of it and goes to talk to Truth, as we head to a commercial.


Abyss w/ James Mitchell vs. Chris Sabin

As the match starts, Abyss shoves Sabin across the ring a couple of times in the obligatory power spots.  Sabin tries to arm drag Abyss with no luck, so Abyss tosses him again into a turnbuckle and then shoulderblocks him down to the mat.  Sabin gives Abyss a dropkick to the head, then one to the knee, and then a sweet shining wizard as the fight spills outside.  Sabin tries to take down Abyss with a headscissor, but Abyss grabs Sabin’s legs and repeatedly swings Sabin’s head into the steel steps HARD.  Very cool spot.  Abyss brings Sabin inside where he applies what Tenay calls a “neck vice”, which is basically just Abyss trying to twist Sabin’s head off like a retard trying to open a pickle jar.  We also see Dave Hebner up on the ramp, taking notes and looking confused.  He ain’t the only one.


Sabin powers out and starts to fight back with 2 consecutive enzuiguris, but Abyss doesn’t fall to the mat. Sabin goes up top for a missile dropkick, but Abyss still doesn’t fall.  Sabin then hits a tilt-a-whirl DDT to finally get the big man down to the mat.  Sabin tries to set up the Cradleshock, but can’t get Abyss up for it, so he jumps off the rope to hit a spinning heel kick, but Abyss catches him mid-air and hits the Black-Hole Slam for the 3 count.

The Winnah:  Abyss


Match Rating: 3.5/5.  Good match that both showcased Sabin’s ability to bump and Abyss’s ferocity.  Plus, the spot where Abyss swung Sabin into the steps was brutal.  Cool stuff.


Time for a piss break, because I have been drinking copious amounts of beer.


As we come back from commercial, we see that Sonjay Dutt, Shark Boy, and Simon Diamond were overseas for a TNA tour of India.  What, that’s the best talent they can send?  Fuck, why don’t they just send over The Masked Jobber from Parts Unknown and be done with it.  Shit, if I was in India and that was what TNA sent, I’d tell Ghandi to go fuck himself and string those guys up by their short n’ curlies.


Ron “The Truth” Killings vs. Kenny King

Killings dances his way down to the aisle, while King is already in the ring waiting to be pinned.  Match starts as King ambushes Killings while he is still dancing and hits a spinning back kick for a 2 count.  King then throws Killings into the turnbuckle and hits a shoulderblock.  Killings then fights back and hits a missile dropkick and a leg lariat.  He then pumps himself up (not that way) and hits a front suplex which leads to him stealing another page out of Booker’s play book and hits the Axe Kick for the 3 count.

The Winnah:  Ron “The Truth” Killings


“The Bullet” Bob Armstrong then comes up to the ramp, as Don West says that Bullet looks great for a man of 66, in a very awkward and uncomfortable moment. Before Bullet can get a word in though, Killings grabs a mic and says that he is done, and that he has nothing to say, before starting to dance like he has Parkinson’s again.  Bob Armstrong looks sad and walks to the back.  Aw, sad old men make me cry……


After a commercial, we are “treated” to a Raven video package that basically has Raven complaining about Larry Zbyszko and hanging out in a boarded up house in a straight-jacket and writing “DIE ZBYSZKO” on the walls.  Meh….


We go to the ring for the Main event as Christian Cage is set to take on Chris Harris of America’s Most Wanted.


Christian Cage vs. “The Wildcat” Chris Harris w/ “Cowboy” James Storm & “Fucking Hot” Gail Kim


As soon as the bell rings, Storm grabs Christian’s leg from the outside, prompting referee Rudy Charles to eject Storm from ringside as we go to our final commercial break.


When we come back, Christian takes down Harris with a shoulderblock and a quick hiptoss.  Christian then goes to the outside to chase Gail Kim around the ring, until Harris blindsides him with a clothesline and drops Christian on the security railing.  After tossing him inside, Harris gives Christian a delayed vertical suplex and a double sledgehammer off the top-rope for a 2 count.  We then see a head lock which leads to Christian “Canuckin’ Up” and trying to break the hold, only to see Gail Kim grab his hair from outside when he backs off from Harris.  Harris then tries to rush Christian, leading to Christian tossing him outside the ring (and damn near killing him in the process as Harris nearly pulls a Lita by landing dangerously on his head).  Harris comes back in and misses a double sledgehammer from the top rope, leading to Christian firing himself up with 2 clotheslines and a spinning heel kick for a 2 count.  Christian then hits a picture perfect swinging DDT off the 2nd rope for another 2 count.


Christian then goes up top, but Gail Kim tries to grab his leg, only to get shoved off.  Christian dives off the rope but misses the frog-splash, leading to Harris getting a quick 2 count.  Christian then tries for the Unprettier, but Harris rakes the eyes and then power slams him to the mat.  Harris goes for the handcuffs, but before he can use them, Christian hits his reverse DDT and covers Harris.  Before the ref can make the count, Gail Kim jumps up on the apron and distracts the ref, while James Storm runs in from the back and Pearl Harbors poor Christian with the Tag Team Championship belt. Harris goes for the cover, but Christian kicks out at 2 and 7/8ths.  Harris then tries to set up Christian for the Catatonic, but Christian reverses it to an attempted Unprettier, but before he can hit it, James Storm jumps up on the apron.  Christian rams Harris’s head into Storm’s balls in a spot that made Pat Patterson sweat, then hits the Unprettier on Harris for the win.

The Winnah: Christian Cage


Match Rating: 4/5.  Very well-paced match that had a lot of back and forth action and some very good false finishes.  By far the best match I’ve seen on Impact so far.


After the match, Jarrett runs in to beat on Christian, but Christian escapes out of the ring and starts to taunt Jarrett.  Monty Brown comes from behind and ambushes him though, and this leads to a beat down in which Monty drops Christian on both the security rail and the announce table, and a hard chair shot from Jarrett.  The 2 get Christian back into the ring as Jarrett tells Christian to have a merry Xmas.  AMW then comes back in and sets up Christian for the Pounce (PERIOD!).  Jarrett then pulls up Christian, who can’t even stand at this point and does a great job of selling the beat down, and hits the Stroke on the NWA Championship Belt and stands over Christian as the show comes to a close.



The “Money” Spot of the Night:  Lots to choose from this week, including Daniels floating Young over mid-moonsault and Harris damn near killing himself.  Hell, even Christian’s Jarrett promo qualifies.  But I gotta give this week’s award to Abyss and Sabin.  The spot where Abyss just swung Sabin into the steel steps looked so brutal and even I winced when it happened.  Now, that was fucking money.


Overall Analysis:  Pretty good show this week.  They didn’t overplay the Sting angle, which I liked, and they also finally pushed Christian as the #1 contender to the title, which he is since he won the match against Monty Brown at Turning Point.  Daniels and Young also put on a great match that was only hampered by the fact that they tried to cram 3 or 4 angles into one match, and it got too cluttered.  Every 45 seconds they were cutting away to something new.


Pimpin’…..is surprisingly easy.


Make sure to check out James Walker’s Christmas Carol, and then go buy the goose as big as Rey Mysterio!


The ‘Fans resident bitch, Renee, shows us that the gossip behind the curtain is surprisingly juicy, so go check out Just a Thought for the latest dish.


Richard argues for Mickie James in this week’s One Man Conchairto, and makes a pretty good case while he is at it.


Harry returns for the Holiday Season and pulls a classic Clustershmazz out of his stocking with a review of the DVD that Vince doesn’t want you to see, the RVDVD!


Finally, go vote for Writer of the Year.  *Psssst….the answer is James Walker*


Happy Holidays, to you and yours folks.  Sorry if my game was off this week but I am really smashed right now, and plan to be for the next few days.   Happy New Year kids!


Hey there, kats and kittens.  Sorry for the delay, but finals were last week, then yours truly had to trek his frozen ass down to Dayton to the ‘rents house for the holidays (y’know….Kwanzaa n’ the like) on Sunday morning and wasn’t able to get this stuff in on time.  You know what they say, a day late a dollar short, but since I don’t get paid, I think Sean will send a Colombian Death Squad to my house.  I’ll let you guys know how it turns out.


Anyways, we get started with a recap of Turning Point, which saw Team 3D turn back AMW in a Tables Match, Sabu finally get a win over Abyss in a sadistic Barb Wire Match, Samoa Joe beat the ever-loving crap outta A.J. Styles to win the X Division Championship, and Jeff Jarrett’s ego got the better of the Man-beast Rhino.  Oh……and some dude named Sting appeared too.




As the show kicks off, we are “treated” to Jeff Jarrett coming down, and damn if he doesn’t look metro sexual.  Seriously, the man looks like he just stepped out of a GAP commercial with Sarah Jessica Parker.  I honestly thought he was going to start singing about Old Navy Capris or something. 


Jarrett comes down and asks who, what, when, where, why to Mike Tenay, who is looking border-line retarded at this point.  Tenay says he isn’t Columbo, and Jarrett responds that if TNA management wants a war, they’ll get a war, and tonight Jarrett will make a statement.  Um….did I miss a line of dialogue? 


Samoa Joe comes down for his match, but not before having a face-off with Jarrett on the ramp, in which Jarrett eventually begs off.  Joe gets into the ring to face the debuting Jay Lethal, who is already in the ring and got no intro music.  What, was he in the ring during ALL of Jarrett’s rambling dialogue?


“The Samoan Submission Machine” Samoa Joe vs. Jay Lethal


Jay Lethal is announced from being from the hardcore city of Elizabethtown, New Jersey.  Hey, my great grandma used to live near there, and it’s about as hardcore as an S&M parlor run by Richard Simmons (ain’t that a visual?).  Anyways, I remember Jay Lethal from his days in ROH, part of which where his character was supposed to be a crack head.  Seriously.


Joe shoulderblocks Jay, which leads to the lads giving each other hiptosses, and a quick series of counters and attempted moves that lead to a face-off.  Joe then starts in with the kicks, but then eats a dropsault and a spinning heel kick from Jay, who then nails Joe with a vicious standing dropkick to the back of the head for a 2 count.  Joe gets angry and hits an inverted atomic drop and a boot to the head on Lethal as the tempo goes back up to 11.  A sweet senton back splash on Jay nearly kills the poor jobber.  Ever been squashed by a flying fat Samoan?  I have.  It was a game of touch football I played in Maui gone horribly, horribly wrong.  A running knee lift into the turnbuckle by Joe is followed by a boot choke and a running knee charge.  Joe then tries to lock on the rear naked choke, but Jay fights back, only to have Joe plant him mid-ring with a power slam.  This leads to the Muscle Buster off the top rope (still one of the coolest finishing moves in the business), and the rear naked choke for the tap out.

The Winnah:  The Undefeated Samoa Joe


Match Rating:  3/5.  Not a bad match, and it did what in needed to do, but I’d still like to see a non-jobber match with Joe that doesn’t take place on a PPV.  I’d also like a blow job from Thandie Newton (what?  I have a thing for Aussie chicks), but it ain’t gonna happen either.


We cut to Shane Douglas interviewing Konnan and Ron “The Truth” Killings about Konnan turning on BG and Kip James at Turning Point.  Shane asks K Dawg why he did what he did (and manages not to say the word “fuck” in the span of 3 sentences, to which I am pleasantly surprised).  Konnan says the he redirected the course of the inevitable (wha?) and adds that Kip James can’t come in and grind on his block.  Um, Konnan, given ol’ Billy’s former personas, I wouldn’t invite him to do that.  Killings says that he is lost and wants nothing to do with any of them, because he doesn’t know who he can trust.  Konnan runs after him saying he promises not to drool on the pillow anymore.  Ok, that last part was fake.


Commercials bore me


We are back, as Alex Shelly is making his way down to the ring with a doo rag and a camera.  R Kelly, watch out!


Alex Shelly w/ camera vs. Matt Bentley w/ Generic Whore…I mean Traci


As Bentley makes his way down to the ring with Traci as some fans near the ring do what Tenay calls the “Bentley Bounce”, which is basically moving from side to side in time with the music.  Seriously, if you were mentally challenged and huffed paint, you could still do this.  The Macarena this ain’t.


Match starts out with some hard shots by Shelly.  Bentley then counters a backdrop into a hiptoss and a dropkick.  Shelly then shoots Bentley into the turnbuckle, but then runs straight into Bentley’s boot, which sets up a second rope missile dropkick and a 2 count.  Shelley then hits a very graceful spinning heel kick and takes control with a backdrop.  This is where the match went weird.  Shelly puts a head scissors on Bentley while they are on the ground, and then proceeds to hump Bentley’s head repeatedly into the mat.  Tenay called it a head stomp.  I call it gay.  Seriously, Billy n’ Chuck never did anything like that.


Matt regains control with some knife edge chops and then gets a running knee lift into the turnbuckle and a sweet swinging DDT for a 2 count.  Shannon Moore then appears on top of the entrance ramp set in make-up and a weird trench coat, with a sign that says “The X  Division needs to get punk’d”.  Don West calls him the Prince of Pop.  Whatthehellever, to me he looks like one of those glow in the dark thugs from “Batman Forever” with all of that lipstick on. Musta raided Jeff Hardy’s wardrobe.  Shelly is distracted by Moore and runs into a clothesline from Bentley.  Bentley then hits an inverted atomic drop and an enzuiguri that leads to Bentley hitting The Stroke for a 2 count.  Out of nowhere though, Shelly gets a pinning combo for a quick 3 count and the win.

The Winnah:  Alex Shelly


Don West now is referring to Moore as the Prince of Punk and wonders what kind of punks are in store for the X Division.  I fucking hate you, Don West.


Match Rating: 3.5/5.  Solid good match.  Not PPV quality of course, but still very good that showed actual back and forth wrestling, albeit at a slow tempo.


We go backstage where Jarrett and Shane Douglas are looking for Sting.  They run into AMW, and ask where they can find Monty Brown.  Jarrett informs us all that Monty Brown is the “wild card” in the war he is starting.  Gail Kim and her breasts then show up and she looks pissed off as all hell.  She yells at Jarrett for bringing in Jackie Gayda to TNA.  Jarrett says they will talk about this later as Gail looks pissed off some more.  Still, its nice to see a Korean with puppies that aren’t going to be put in the main course of a dinner (Ouch, even I thought that was tasteless).


Oh look, commercials!


Shane Douglas is interviewing Abyss with his scars and James Mitchell with his fucking creepy hairy caterpillars on his forehead that he calls his eyebrows.  Mitchell says that Abyss wants his title shot, and that the current contenders are just a petting zoo, with a Raven, a Rhino, and a dumb beast from the Serengeti.  Dude, that is a fucked up petting zoo. Mitchell then says Abyss has challenged everything he has feared and won, and threatens to pull the trigger on the bomb that is Abyss.  Coach D’amore interrupts and says he and Mitchell have lots to talk about.  Judging by their waste lines, I’d say its pudding.


The “Man-Beast” Rhino vs. Joe Doring


Rhino makes it down to the ring as Joe Doring is in the ring without any intro.  Jesus, this is gonna be quick.  Rhino runs in and starts beating on Joe as Tenay remarks that Rhino would have been NWA Champion if Team Canada hadn’t interfered in the title match last night. Joe tries to fight back, but Rhino clotheslines Joe to the mat, before Rhino hits a shoulder block in the corner.  A belly to belly suplex gives Rhino the chance to take his stance in the corner and hits the GORE! GORE! GORE! for the 3 count.

The Winnah:  The “Man-Beast” Rhino


Match Rating: 1/5.  Squash match that lasted less the minute.  Meh…..


Rhino then grabs the mic and says he just kicked Joe’s bitch ass.  The fans cheer and then start chanted “You got screwed”.  Weird, Missy Hyatt gets the same chant.  Rhino then says it took all of Jarrett’s bitches to beat him, but he still made Jeff bleed.  He promises that he and Jarrett will cross paths again, and he will rip all of Team Canada in half to get to Coach D’amore.  Cool.


We go back to Shane and Jarrett again, who run into the Diamonds in the Rough.  Jarrett asks if they are all with him, to which Simon Diamond says they are, and that they have always been big fans of Jeff.  Jarrett then asks if they have seen Monty Brown, to which they say no and then go get ready for their match with Team 3D.  Jarrett turns around to face Gail Kim again, who says they need to talk.  Jeff blows her off and walks away.  Don’t hate the player, hate the game, girl!


Commercials for Xmas!


We are back with Shane (once again), who is now interviewing Larry Zbysko.  Larry says he had to be held back from destroying Raven a week ago, but he is sorry that he lost his cool.  Yeah, that’s how you get talent over, have them get their asses kicked by a 60 year old.  Larry then says that at Final Resolution, he will pick Raven’s opponent in a match of Larry’s choosing.  If Raven wins, he gets a shot at the NWA title, but if he loses, he is fired. 


The Diamonds are already in the ring as Team 3D is introduced.  Holy fuck, did Devon get jacked up or what?  All I am saying is that he better be glad he is in TNA, ‘cause with Vince’s new anti-drug policy, he’d be out on his ass quick.


Team 3D vs. Diamonds in the Rough Elix Skipper and David Young w/ Simon Diamond


Team 3D instantly runs in and beats on Young and Skipper, as “Brother” Ray gives Skipper a sidewalk slam and a cover for a 2 count.  Ray then clotheslines Skipper for another 2 count. Young runs in and eats a double flapjack by “Brother” Devon before getting tossed outside.  Devon then shows an amazing feat of strength (all natural, he swears) by press slamming Skipper out of the ring, which leads us to a commercial.


When we get back, Ray and Skipper are in the ring.  Ray beats on Skipper, till Simon grabs Ray’s feet from the outside and trips Ray up, leading to Skipper capitalizing by beating on Ray before tagging Young in.  The camera then shows Dave Hebner on the ramp observing and taking notes.  Probably just getting the wrestler’s shirt sizes.  Ah, I kid.  Back in the ring, Skipper is beating on Ray till Ray starts to “Bubba” out until Skipper shuts him down again with a hot clothesline.  Skipper is then tagged in as the beating continued.  Ray then hits a sloppy spinebuster out of nowhere for a 2 count.  Skipper then walks into a Bubba bomb and finally tags Devon in as Skipper tags in Young.  Devon cleans house and hits a flying shoulderblock on Young and a neckbreaker on Skipper.  A vicious spinebuster on Young follows, as does a pinning attempt, but Skipper breaks it up.  Young then gets hit with a  flying faceplant and Skipper is tossed outside as Young eats a reverse 3-D.  Simon Diamond then jumps up on the apron and holds Devon for Skipper, but Devon ducks and Skipper hits Simon instead.  This sets up Skipper for the Doomsday Device and then the 3-D on Young.  A 3 count later and that is all she wrote.

The Winnah: Team 3-D


Match Rating:  2.5/5.  Not a bad tag match, and it was nice to see some back n’ forth action for once, but all the guys did was brawl.  Meh, I’m tired and half drunk.  Maybe it wasn’t that bad.


We got back to the locker room where all the bad guys have congregated.  Jarrett asks D’amore (who is eating of course), if he has seen Monty Brown.  D’amore says he has, but that Monty said that he’d give D’amore the Pounce (PERIOD!) if he didn’t leave.  Jeff then says that the bad guys need to go to the ring for his statement.


Last commercial, I promise!


We come back to see footage of Jeff Jarrett (wearing the same fucking outfit he is wearing tonight.  What, does he not bathe?) and A.J. Styles at the Spike VGAs.  They also tease interaction between Jeff Jarrett and the Rock backstage at the ceremony.  Could a TNA debut for the Rock be far behind?  Yeah, probably.


We are back in the ring with all of the no-goodniks in TNA.  As Jarrett starts his speech, the crowd chants “boring”.  No shit.  Jeff says that TNA has been bringing in new guys like Christian Cage, Team 3D, and Rhino in an effort to kill off Jeff Jarrett.  Oh, if only.  Jarrett then asks AMW, Team Canada, and Abyss if they are with him in his war against TNA management.  Coach D’amore also adds the proof is in the pudding (is all this guy thinks about is food?).   All the bad guys say that they are with Jarrett, so Jarrett then calls out Monty Brown.  Monty Brown comes out in a shirt that looks like it used to be my Mom’s drapes.  This guy has the fashion sense of a gay Stevie Wonder.  Monty gets in the ring and says that the Serengeti isn’t a wild-life preserve (could have fooled me), it’s a place where the Alpha Male can run wild.  Monty then says that TNA is holding him back.  He then says that he has never liked Jeff Jarrett, but likes his fashion sense and choice of clothes (told you).  Monty says he has always lived by 3 rules:  Kill or be killed, Hunt or be Hunted, and No Fat Chicks (just kidding, it was Survival of the Fittest, which is sorta the same thing if you think about it).  He then lets out a mighty RAWR!!! and says he will join with Jarrett.  Fuck, can’t we ever have a NORMAL Monty Brown promo?  Does one even exist.  The lights then dim and the Sting scorpion appears on the screen as Team 3D, Christian Cage, Rhino stand at the ramp looking mean as Tenay says the battle lines for the war have been drawn.


The “Money” Spot of the Night:  To clarify, this isn’t necessarily the highlight of the night.  It’s just the spot of the night that would make you exclaim “That was fucking money”.  This week’s award goes to Samoa Joe’s senton back splash on Jay Lethal.  Who knew a fat man could fly through the air so quickly without a buffet involved.


Overall analysis:  A bit better fair in terms of matches than last week, and they definitely slowed down the pace a bit, which is good.  However, the matches are still basically Jobber matches, which really sucks, since they are supposed to be providing an alternative to WWE.  Also, there was basically ZERO mention of Christian until he appeared at the end, even though he is supposed to be the #1 contender for the NWA belt.  Oh well, there is always next week.


A Pimp Named Slickback!!!


Be sure to check out James Walker’s new musical tribute to WWE right here.  Then go vote for him for Writer of the Year.  Seriously, the guy deserves it.


The Good Doctor Gonzo upstages us all with his Alcohol-Fueled Smackdown! Report and delves into the mystery of THE DAVE and Melina’s sweet sweet man love.   


Cameron Burge also gives us his take on King Kong, which is better than mine, because I’m still pissed off they didn’t have Kong throw his poop.  He’s a monkey damnit!


Justin Shapiro also shows us the Passion of Christian Cage.  He jobbed for your sins, you know.


Th-th-th-th-that’s all folks.  Catch you next week where I promise to be both offensive and not be late (my girlfriend promised the same thing, but it didn’t turn out that well).  Lata.


Hey all you wrestling fans!  Welcome to the inaugural edition of the Half-Witz TNA Recap.  Allow me to introduce myself.  The name is Witzdude.  I smoke too much, drink too much, hang out with the kind of guys they warn you about in those D.A.R.E. videos, spend time in the company of women with questionable morals, and engage in activities that involve both the ingestion and advertising the benefits of certain illegal drugs.  There, introductions over.  My only pledge to you is that I’ll try my best at this, and if you don’t like it, shoot me n’ email on how to change up stuff.  If you still don’t like it, you can lick my taint, ‘cause I don’t get paid for this.  Oh, and I also promise to include at least one tasteless joke per recap that will probably make you feel guilty about laughing.  I love to screw with people’s internal thought process.
Anyway, on to the Recap!
We are live from Orlando Florida as Don West and Mike Tenay welcome us to the Impact Zone as we get started right away with a 6-man tag match.
America’s Most Wanted and Jeff Jarrett vs.  The Naturals and Jeff Hardy
Chris Harris and James Storm make their way out to the ring with a table that says “Reserved for Team 3D”.  Tenay calls the table the “most lethal weapon in wrestling today!”  So who wants to bet that Saddam got a hold of a bunch of Sears tables wholesale and was planning to fuck us before we got a hold of him?  Bah…  Jeff Jarrett then makes his way out as Tenay and West pimp his match this Sunday against Rhino at Turning Point, and the fact that Rhino and Jarrett are now 1-1 against each other, and that this one will be the rubber match.  Cool stuff.  The Naturals Chase Stevens and Andy Douglas then make there way down before Jeff Hardy does his radioactive emo crawl entrance thing.  Ever notice how Jeff Hardy looks like one of those Gelfling puppets from Dark Crystal?  Yeah, me too.  Anyways, Jarrett attacks Hardy during his entrance and all 6 guys start brawling.  Stevens gives Storm a quick snap suplex on the entrance ramp as Douglas and Harris take turns trying to hip toss and suplex each other of the edge of the ramp.  Harris finally gains control and goes for the Catatonic, but Douglas counters and kicks him in the ass and Harris jumps weakly into Storm’s arms.  In a sweet visual, Stevens then back drops his own partner off the ramp onto AMW.  We then go over to Hardy and Jarrett, as Don West fawns over how green Jarrett is from Hardy beating on him.  Um…..I’ll just let that last sentence sit in your brain for a while and remind you that I eternally hate Don West.  Inside, Harris superplexes Douglas off the top rope as Tenay takes this point to tell us that Rhino is back to his roots in Detroit training for his match against Rhino.  Seriously, if that was me, I’d pay neighborhood kids to run behind me while I was training, cheering and stuff.  Ah, Sylvester Stallone, what you did to my youth….
Anyways, the match officially gets started as Douglas and Storm are the legal men.  Douglas hits a running high knee before tagging in Stevens who hits a Flying Leg Lariat (which I am so disappointed Tenay didn’t call the Back-Leg Front Kick) on Harris and a clothesline on Jarrett to dump him outside.  Hardy then leaps off the ropes in a crossbody to take Jarrett down outside as Storm grabs his beer bottle to hit Stevens.  Wonder if the beer is Natural light?  ……..Ah fuck you, I don’t get paid.  Storms whiffs with the bottle and Stevens hits a modified Death Valley Driver.  Hardy then hits the Swanton, but before he can get the 3 count, Jarrett yanks him out.  The Naturals set up Harris for the Natural Disaster, but Jarrett runs in and tries to low blow Stevens but somehow misses.  They then set up Jarrett for the Natural Disaster, but right before they hit it, Storm hit a super kick on Stevens and practically took his damn head off in a great spot.  One Stroke by Jarrett later and we have a 3 count.
Winners:  AMW and Jeff Jarrett.
Tenay mentions that Jarrett has venom in his blood.  Well no shit Mike, the guys got green hair right now.  Jarrett handcuffs Hardy to the railing outside while AMW sets up Andy Douglas for the 3D through the table mid-ring.  Tenay exclaims that tables can “end careers and shorten lives.”  Sure they can, just look at Big Dick Dudley.  Ah, I kid.
Rating 2.5/5
Not a bad match, and it did what it was supposed too, but switching of legal men halfway through was really confusing.  Still, AMW and Jarrett look strong going into Turning Point, which is the whole point.
We then see a video package of Rhino where within a span of 2 minutes he reminds us 3 times that he is not a piece of crap, and says that he’s going to leave Jarrett in a pile of piss, blood, and shit.  Um, I don’t know if Golden Showers and Hot Carls are the most effective finishers, but then, I’m not a wrestler.  Rhino also promises he’s going to liberate the title from Jarrett and make him beg.  Sweet.
Commercial Time!
And we are back, with possibly the worst acting this side of Haas/Gayda.   Raven has somehow broken into the Impact Zone and is being held by 3 security guards (who all look like they’d get their asses kicked by the cast of Rent) as he confronts Larry Zbyszko.  Larry ACTS and tells Raven that losers don’t get title shots as Terry Taylor looks on in horror.  Yes, that may be true, but they do get a consolatory pudding.  Raven promises to have his revenge as Ralphus and company drag him away as Larry yells that you don’t threaten the championship committee.  Terry Taylor looks like he just found Mommy hugging the mailman naked, as we go back to the ring for more action.
Samoa Joe vs. Amazing Red
Wow, the ending of Revenge of the Sith was less rigged than this thing is gonna be.  Red comes out to chants of “Joe’s gonna kill you”, which causes him to yell at the crowd even though he’s a face.  Joe comes down as we see Alex Shelley is seen ringside with his new gimmick of filming wrestling starts up close.  Whatthehellever.
Red gets us started with a few weak kicks to Joe’s ample midsection before Joe completely flattens the poor kid with a clothesline.  Joe then hits a knee drop and a running knee lift in the corner in succession before getting distracted by Shelley ringside leading to a Red surprise roll-up for 2.   Red then hits a dragon whip and a modified head scissors, which he hit while Joe was still on his knees, which made for an Amazing spot (Pun very intended).  Red then hits the Standing SSP for a 2 count.  Joe then goes completely bat shit insane and hits a huge powerslam mid-ring, which leads right into the Muscle Buster (which he hits so hard it knocks off Red’s bandanna) and Rear Naked Chokeout for the win. 
Winner: The Undefeated Samoa Joe
Joe then chases Shelley backstage for trying to film him.  Hey, can you blame Shelley?  With Joe’s huge titties, Alex probably thought it was Girls Gone Wild or something.
Rating: 3/5.  Good squash that furthered Joe’s rep as a complete BAMF.
You will buy the stuff they advertise!
As we come back to the Impact Zone, Tenay is in the ring with AJ Styles and Chris Sabin, who are then joined by Sonjay Dutt who gives this segment the rub it sorely needed.  Tenay pimps the World Series Champion Chicago White Sox and states that they are a lot like the X Division (which is total bullshit because I’ve never seen Jermaine Dye hit a moonsault).  Tenay then calls out White Sox catcher A.J. Pierzynski, and Bobby Heenan, who for some reason brings Dale “Yes I was the KISS Demon” Torborg out with him.  Tenay then informs us that Torborg is now a coach for the White Sox.  I dunno if they need training on how to fight Vampiro with a tombstone, but what do I know, I played football.  Pierzynski tells everybody he’s a life long wrestling fan and gives Styles his very own baseball bat.  Dale then hands Sabin a bat autographed by the entire team, which should be on eBay by now since Sabin apparently gets paid crap.  Heenan then half-heartedly hands Sabin a White Sox jersey just so the Playa from Himalaya (which I thought was the Yeti) can have something.  Simon Diamond and his crew come out and make fun of Pierzynski getting on base for having a catcher falling asleep and his .251 BA.  This leads to Dale and Simon mixing it up and a huge brawl between the Diamonds in the Rough and Dale, Sabin, and Dutt.  Pierzynski just stands in the middle of the ring looking utterly confused.
Take us to Commercial, O Benevolent God!
Konnan and Kip James w/ 4 Live Kru vs. Satan’s Jobbers w/ no jobs.
4 Live Kru comes out and does their usual spiel that BJ and Konnan were doing 7 years ago, and unveils Kip James’s new slogan: I’m Kip James Bitch!, which is met with total dead silence from the crowd.  2 jobbers in Satan garb make their way to the ring only to be met by a Rolling Thunder Lariat from Konnan on Helvis (?).  Kip then hits a Chokeout Slam on Sin (?) before Konnan locks on the Tequila Sunrise for the tap out.
Winners: Kip James and Konnan
Bob Armstrong (BJ’s Daddy) comes down the ramp to give the Kru a thumbs up.  For a moment I honestly thought it was some old dude who got confused and wandered into the ring.
Rating:1/5.  Bleh, a total of 3 moves.  Hey, at least they got Konnan off my TV quickly.
Booby Roode is backstage with Coach D’amore being interviewed by Terry Taylor.  Roode shoves Taylor out of the way, saying this is Canadian business.  Roode then yells that Christian Cage had a chance to join Team Canada, but Cage turned his back on both the Team and the nation of Canada.  D’amour (who looks suspiciously like Booger from Revenge of the Nerds, only with more weight) says that him and Cage grew up together, but his new family is Team Canada, AMW, n’ Jarrett.  He then laughs in a manner most vile as we hit the next commercial break.
Bobby Roode w/ Coach D’amore vs. Christian Cage w/ Lovehandles
Seriously, has he been putting on guilt weight or what?  Guy looks like he put on 10 pounds of pizza and ice cream. 
Match starts with lots of brawling outside before Cage whips Roode into the steel steps.  In the ring, the match starts as Cage hits a Front Suplex for a 2-count.  Tenay informs us that the Diamonds in the Rough vs. Chris Sabin, Sonjay Dutt, and Dale Torborg w/ A.J. Pierzynski will take place at Turning Point.  While they are talking about this, they completely miss Cage going for the Unprettier before Roode counters and dumps Cage on the ropes and then outside, allowing D’amore to get his licks in.  Sweet Front Suplex outside on the ramp leads to a turnbuckle knee drop into a 2 count on the inside.  Roode then locks in a bearhug as the life drains from the crowd.  Cage peeps up and rolls up Roode for a 2 count.  Cage then tries for the Unprettier again, but it is again countered by Roode into a shoulderblock.  A gutbuster leads to Roode taking off his knee pad to hit the same knee drop that didn’t get the win 3 minutes ago.  Cage gets his legs up for the counter and hits a clothesline for another 2 count.  D’amore then plows Cage with the Canadian Flag and walks into a fisherman suplex by Roode for yet another 2 count.  Uh-oh!  Time for a Ref bump!  D’amore tries to come in the ring, which leads to the Ref getting sandwiched by both Roode and Cage separately.  Cage tries for the Unprettier for the 3rd time tonight and Roode counters it into a back suplex which is countered by Cage when he pulls the Impaler Reverse DDT out of mothballs.  Cage gets the 3 count but the Ref isn’t there, leading to everyone’s favorite Serengeti predator Monty Brown, running in.  Monty beats on Cage and tries to hit the Pounce, but misses Cage and hits D’amore instead.  Roode comes back in and tries to hit Cage with the Flag, but Cage Drop Toe Holds him into it.  Cage then laces poor Roode’s maple nuts with the Flag and finally hits the Unprettier for the 3 count and the win.  Refs have amazing recuperating powers and know just when to regain consciousness.  Seriously, if you are a professional wrestling referee, you would never have to worry about being in a coma.
Winner:  Christian Cage.
Monty runs back in and clotheslines Cage before hitting THE POUNCE! As we go to our final commercial break.
Rating: 2/5.  I dunno, I expected more from Christian his first match out, but he seemed lifeless in there.  There is no doubt that Roode carried this match.  Christian really only had 2 or 3 offensive moves that weren’t punches or kicks, and just kept going back to the Unprettier 4 times in an 8 minute match.  Hopefully Christian will wake up and put on some great wrestling for us that isn’t in the infamous “WWE style” as soon as possible.
Buy Morphoplex fuckers, Larry Zbyszko commands it.
Abyss and James Mitchell come out and talk about how Sabu has the tenacity of a cockroach and how Abyss apparently has a fear of barb wire.  Huh?  Mitchell then says that there is no margin for error in a barb wire match.   Guess that means that ‘Bu is gonna be dead within 2 minutes of this match, because the guy blows more spots than a chick into dalmatians.  The lights are out and Sabu comes out and points to the sky, and then to the barbwire, which has now surrounded the ring as the show ends.
Overall Analysis:  Not bad for my first show. It definitely lived up to its name of Total Nonstop Action, but this also gave the show a kind of rushed and hurried feeling.  I would have liked to see more of the opening tag bout and the Rhino promo, but they just force fed us one thing after another.  Kind of like Russo’s Crash TV only there isn’t a chick with huge knockers trying to get Dean Douglas to get wood. 
So that’s the first of what shall hopefully be many.  Join me on Saturday (Sunday morning for me actually, since I’m at the bars during Impact, so I tape it) for another rendition of the Half-Witz Recap.


Bookmark and Share


November 2006


by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).