Navigation:
December 10, 2005
December 17, 2005
December 24, 2005
January 07, 2006
Hey there party people! Witzdude
here back after a 2 week hiatus from the So, I leave
town for a week and a half, and I come back to Vince bringing up Anyways,
the show starts with a recap of last week’s festivities, including the mugging of “Bullet” Bob Armstrong,
the debut of Konnan’s new stable, the Tag Team title match from last week, and the debuting Shannon Moore screwing A.J.
Styles and Christopher Daniels out of the win. With that over, the pyro goes
off and we get the intro as we start Impact! The Half-Witz TNA Impact Report 1.7.06 Right away, Mike Tenay
informs us that we will see an X-Division 6-man Tag Team Match tonight, as well as Ron “The Truth” Killings taking
on Team Team 3D vs. Buck Quartermain and Lex Lovett Wow, these poor jobbers
didn’t even get introduced. Seriously, I had to go on the TNA website to
find out who these guys where this match was so short. Anyways, Brother Ray and
The Winnah: Team 3-D Match Rating: 1/5. Total squash,
the poor kid’s didn’t even get announced on TV. Is it just me, or
is for every pound of muscle that After the match, Brother
Ray grabs the mic and asks the vendor to bring him a large churro. No, just kidding,
he says that now they get down to business. He says that Team 3-D has had 18
Tag Team Title Reigns in ECW (cheers from crowd), WCW (mixed reaction from crowd), and casually lists WWE last (which the
crowd boos heavily). He then says that they would give up all 18 title wins for
1 NWA Tag Team Title reign, and then he really puts over the belts as the #1 Tag Team Titles in the business. He says that a NWA Tag-Team Title reign will make them the greatest Tag Team of all time and even separate
them from the Road Warriors. Um, guys?
Hawk and Animal won the NWA Tag Titles from the Midnight Express in October of 1988, while NWA was still associated
with WCW and the belts were still called the NWA Tag Titles. Ah, I don’t
blame Brother Ray (can’t I just call him Bubba, please?), if it’s not a line of microwave pizzas, he probably
wouldn’t know the history. Sonjay Dutt is shown giving
Sting the rub he sorely needs coming into TNA by saying that Sting has legions of fans and that the roster will be improved
on TNA with Sting coming. It’s time for the
commercials and that damn Morphoplex ad. We come back to see Shane
Douglas backstage asking Homicide and Apolo w/ Konnan vs. The Naturals Konnan grabs the mic and
says that B.G. betrayed him by letting Kip James into 3 Live Kru, and that he was just responding in kind by attacking him
and his father, “Bullet” Bob Armstrong. He then says now that he
has Homicide and Apolo with him, it is a Latino Thing. The Naturals come out,
but before they can even get there ring jackets off, Homicide and Apolo ambush them from behind. Andy Douglas and Chase Stevens eventually turn the tide, but Konnan then gets in the ring and smacks the
referee like he owes Konnan money, resulting in the bell being rung. Konnan then
pulls out something resembling a large Magnum Condom (Tenay says it’s a blackjack), and beats on Stevens and Douglas
with it, before Kip and B.G. James come into to try to make the save. Kip gets
ambushed by Apolo though and then thrown into a turnbuckle on the outside, as B.G. and Konnan stare each other down in the
ring, before B.G. is hit from behind by Homicide and B.G. then gets beat with the Black Condom of Death until Kip comes in
with a chair and chases the bad Latinos off. The Winnah: No Contest We then see Chris Sabin
remarking about his favorite Sting moment is when he beat Hulk Hogan at Starrcade 1997 with Bret Hart as the referee. They actually show Sting’s face for the first time during this, but unfortunately
for Jarrett and company, the Orange Goblin doesn’t put in an appearance. It’s Peanut Butter
Commercial Time!! We come back to Shane
Douglas standing outside Larry Zbyszko’s office, and Jackie Gayda comes barging out in a huff screaming at Larry not
to touch her and that she could bring this company to its’ knees. Funny,
I would have thought it would have been the other way around. She then leaves
in a huff. Alex Shelley, Austin Aries, and Roderick Strong then come up to Zbyszko
demanding why they aren’t getting X Division Title shots and that the X Division is only built around Christopher Daniels,
A.J. Styles, and Samoa Joe. Ron “The Truth” Killings vs. Bobby Roode w/ Coach Scott D’amore The bell rings and Killings
immediately gets a roll-up for a 3 count. Match didn’t even last 5 seconds. The Winnah: Ron “The Truth” Killings Roode gets on the mic
and says he wasn’t ready and challenges Killings by calling him a “thug”, as the crowd chants “1,
2, 3” at Roode. Killings slides into the ring and Roode starts to beat
on him in the corner and chokes him with his boot. Roode then goes to grab the
hockey stick that D’amore had tossed into the ring, but Killings rolls him up again for another 3 count. The Winnah: Ron “The Truth” Killings This time, it’s
D’amore who gets on the mic and challenges Killings. Killings chases after
D’amore ringside, allowing Roode to ambush him with a hard clothesline. Back
in the ring, the bell is rung once again as Roode beats on Killings before getting a snapmare and a headlock. Killings eventually powers out and hits a pair of flying clotheslines and a running powerslam for a 2 count. D’amore then gets in the ring and hits nothing but air with the hockey stick,
but before Killings can hit the Axe Kick on D’amore, Roode hits him from behind with the Northern Lariat (think Clothesline
from Hell) for the 3 count. The Winnah: Bobby Roode Match Rating: 0/5. What a
stupid fucking thing to do. Seriously, Bobby Roode (who they are reportedly supposed
to be pushing into the stratosphere right now) looked like an idiot out there by getting pinned TWICE with a roll-up. That in itself isn’t wrong, but when they had a 3rd match and made
Killings look like a chump, it didn’t do anything but make both wrestlers look stupid.
Meh, maybe I’m just sore because my beloved Giants just got their collective asses handed to them. A.J. Styles is then shown
talking about how he was a big fan of when Old School Sting became Crow Sting as we go to commercial. Impact comes back to show
Shane Douglas backstage interviewing the X Division Champion, Samoa Joe. Shane
asks Joe about his upcoming PPV match with Christopher Daniels, which is met with silence.
Shane then asks Joe if he is going to get the silent treatment, to which Joe grabs the mic and pushes Shane away. Joe states that Shane needs to ask Daniels about the man who put him in the hospital
with a grade 3 concussion and made Daniels unable to hold his newborn baby. Joe
says that there is a thin line between bravery and stupidity and that come Final Resolution, he is going to bring a blank
canvas to paint on with Daniels’s blood, as he holds up a fresh towel, and he is going to end Daniels’s career. Shane then asks him about Sting coming to TNA, which Joe responds to by looking at
him like Shane is an idiot and then walking away. Austin Aries, Roderick Strong, and Alex Shelley vs. “The Fallen Angel” Christopher Daniels, Chris
Sabin, and “The Phenomenal” A.J. Styles. Aries, Strong, and Shelley
all come out together to Shelley’s music as Shelley sets up his camera to film Strong posing and flexing in front of
the ring. Um….ok, apparently a Gay Porn Director gimmick is gonna get him
over. Whatthehellever. Daniels,
Sabin, and Styles then make their way down as we go to commercial. We come back to see Sabin
and Shelley starting things off with Shelley trying to work on Sabin’s arm, but Sabin rolling through with some acrobatics
and a flip off the top turnbuckle. A series of quick exchanges leads to Sabin
getting a head scissors and a Stinger Splash in the corner before running into Shelley’s foot. Shelley gets a head scissors takedown before Sabin throws technical wrestling right out the fucking window
and just grabs ahold of Shelley’s balls. Hey, whatever works. Shelley manages to tag in Strong, who receives (yet another) head scissors take down from Sabin, who then
tags in Daniels, who almost immediately tags in Styles, which leads to a double suplex on Strong. Daniels then holds Strong on the ground long enough for Styles to hit his Running Flying Knee Drop. The pace then picks up more as Styles hits a vicious running dropkick on Strong, before
Strong tags Shelley back in. Shelley then gets a belly to back suplex on Styles
and then sets up possibly the gayest move in sports entertainment, the Crotch Slam, where he locks his opponents head between
his knees and repeatedly humps the guy’s head into the mat. Uh…..sexual
tension…..tingling…. Shelley tags Strong back
in and they get a Double Underhook Suplex on Styles for a 2 count. Strong then
tags Shelley back in (what, does Aries smell or something?) and Shelley catapults
Styles right into a Yakuza Kick from Strong. Immediately after this Aries jumps
off the top rope with a Senton Bomb on Styles as the pace of the match goes all the way up to 11. Strong then throws Shelley into Styles in the corner for dueling splashes, and then Aries hits a running
dropkick on A.J. in the corner that looked like it fucking killed both men. Aries,
now the legal man, tries to take control of Styles, but Styles hits the Pelé Kick, which allows him to tag in Daniels. Daniels cleans house and
gets a backbreaker on Aries. He then takes hold of both Strong and Shelley and
does a reverse DDT/Rock Bottom at the same time. Sweetness. Sabin comes in and knocks Shelley out of the ring with a Missile Dropkick, and then both Daniels and Sabin
dive to the floor onto Aries and Strong. Aries recovers first and grabs a chair
to use on Daniels, but Styles comes out of nowhere and hits a dropkick. Back
in the ring, Sabin sets up the Cradleshock on Shelley, but before he can hit it, Strong breaks it up and fucking plants Sabin
mid-ring with a hard Gutbuster. Shelley then hits the Asai DDT off the ropes
on Sabin for the surprise 3 count. The Winnah: Alex Shelley, Roderick Strong, and Austin Aries Match Rating: 4/5. Very fast paced match. Seriously, the last 2 paragraphs happened within 3 minutes. It was a nice spot filled match, that while it did not contain a lot of technical wrestling skills, it
shows why TNA differs from WWE. They are willing to let 6 hungry guys go at it
on live TV. Very nice. Christian Cage is then
shown talking about Sting and how Sting brings credibility to the TNA roster as we go to our final commercial break. When we come back, Jeff
Jarrett is already on his way to the ring with a mic in his hand. He says that
TNA wants Sting to be the face of TNA in the year 2006. In a funny moment, the crowd is already chanting “Boring!” as soon as Jeff touches the mic. Jarrett says that he is going to give his own tribute to Sting, since he knows Sting
the best out of anyone on the roster. He then calls out the Early Years Sting,
which is Eric Young in face paint and the Sergeant Pepper glitter jacket (which I like to call a Dick Jacket). Wait, didn’t Jarrett already do this promo in WCW in 1999?
Anyway, as Young flexes comically, Jarrett says that this Sting went to a draw at the first Clash and won the WCW Title
from Flair in 1990. He then says we are going to flash forward to 10 years later,
1996. Um…..ok. Thought that
would be 2000, but what do I know, I failed Calculus. He then brings out Crow
Sting and his pet Crow, which is Chris Harris in the Sting makeup accompanied by James Storm in a big Chicken outfit. Heh. Jarrett says he knows what Sting
looks like now. He’s older and wiser and is a family man, so out comes
Monty Brown dressed like Tiger woods, only with Sting make-up on, pushing a stroller with a “baby Sting” in it. Man, I don’t know what the hell Sting is taking, but that is one hell of a fucking
tan, better than Hogan’s even. Monty Sting then cuts the promo of his career
(really) and baby talks to the Lil’ Stinger before saying Sting is a joke….because that’s how he strolls. Told ya, best promo of his career. Christian Cage then comes
out and says that he has both bad news and good news. The bad news is that Jarrett
and company are embarrassing themselves and are a bunch of jackasses. The Good
News is that he saved a bunch of money on his car insurance. Nice. Monty Sting (who I could come up with about 6 more names for, but they are all very offensive and the last
thing I need is a pipe bomb in the mail) challenges Christian to come down to the ring.
Christian then calls Team 3-D to the ring and a brawl ensues in the ring, as the Storm Chicken just runs around the
ring as everybody else beats the crap out of one another. The good guys run off
Harris, Young, Monty Sting, and Jarrett, before tossing the Storm Chicken over the ropes.
Abyss then comes in and absolutely decimates all 3 good guys, before turning around and getting met by Rhino with the
GORE! GORE! GORE! to close the show. The “Money” Spot of the Night: While the Joe Promo was very well done, this weeks Money Spot trophy goes to Austin Aries for damn
near killing himself and A.J. with a completely vicious dropkick. Bonus points
for not actually killing A.J. with the dropkick, which is something Sonny Siaki has yet to pull off. Overall analysis: A fun little show, with a very good X Division match at the end that showcases what TNA has over WWE. Only thing is that the main guy on TNA now…..still hasn’t debuting. There is only so much they can do without Sting there. Hopefully
this will lead to something better after Final Resolution. Pimping for the New Year! Check out
how everyone outshines me in this year’s Fanny Awards. I feel like such a mediocre writer next to these guys, so check it out and then
make fun of me. The other
resident druggie, Dr. Gonzo, takes a look at the sexual life of THE DAVE over at the Alcohol-Fueled Smackdown Report. Renee takes
a look at Chris Masters and….defends him? What the hell? Check it out and find out what I mean. Joe Merrick
updates Low Blow and looks back on Wrestling Bloopers and shit that made us laugh. I
forgot half this shit happened, so make sure to check it out. Well, that’s
it for this week. Me? I’m
off to the bars to get drunk and watch New Year’s Revolution and drown my sorrows about my Giants fucking themselves in the ass. See you
in 7. !
Happy Holidays
from your resident decadent Jew! Hope you all had a great Xmas and drank plenty
of eggnog or whatever the fuck it is you people do on the 25th. Honestly
looks like a bunch of drinking and giving kids expensive crap they don’t need in my view, though I have figured out
that it has something to do with roasted chestnuts and pine trees. Mel Gibson
tried to explain it to me once, but I was drunk and I don’t listen when the Road Warrior opens his mouth anyways. On with the recap! We start
off with a video package of the “lines being drawn” in the war between Jarrett’s team and the babyface team
of Team 3D, Christian Cage, and Rhino, plus THE NEW FACE OF TNA THAT SURELY WON’T BE A HUGE FLOP……Sting. After the video package, we are told that we will see both Abyss in action and Christopher
Daniels in his in-ring return. THE HALF-WITZ TNA IMPACT REPORT
12.24.05 We are greeted
by the face of smilin’ Mike Tenay (which will give me nightmares for fucking weeks) as he asks us if Sting is really
coming to TNA? Um, how the fuck should I know?
Why the hell are you asking me? Since this
is the birthday of the baby Easter bunny (right?), Santa Claus naturally comes out, accompanied by “Santa’s Little
Helper”, Traci, dressed in nothin’ but felt and tinsel and suckin’ on a candy cane. Strangely enough, he is announced as Santa Clause, with an “e”.
Jesus, I didn’t realize that Tim Allen was that hard-up for cash. I
know “Christmas with the Kranks” sucked scrotum, but still. Anyways,
I thought he’d be more preoccupied with another type of white powder during the holiday season. Meh. Before Santa
can get a word in, the lights dim and the countdown begins on the TNAtron and You still
have about 40 minutes to be crap for Xmas, so take note of the commercials. As we come
back, Shane Douglas is interviewing Christopher Daniels. Shane asks Daniels if
he’s bitten off more than he can chew when he challenged Samoa Joe. I’ll
say, the guy weighs 290 fucking pounds. Daniels says that he has never backed
down from a fight and never taken the easy roads in his 13 years in the business. He
asks Joe what is the worst that he can do to him? He then vows to end Joe’s
winning streak, take back his title, and then rip Joe’s heart out (!). He
then rips Shane’s heart out all the while muttering “Kalie Ma! Kalie Ma!”
Ok, I made that last part up, I’m drunk, whaddya want? “The Fallen Angel” Christopher Daniels vs. Eric Young w/ Coach D’amore Eric Young
comes out first, and channels the spirit of Gillberg by being scared of his pyro. He
also channels the spirit of Gene Snitsky be having some of the worst fucking backne I’ve seen since Eddie. Ew. As the match gets started, Alex Shelley comes down to
film the match. The match
starts with some basic brawling, but Daniels soon gains the upperhand until he misses a Yakuza kick, which Young capatilizes
on by tripping him and stomping him on the mat. Daniels escapes to the side,
and takes the time to do some stretches and jumping jacks before climbing into the ring and giving Young a vicious STO, which
leads to a 2 count. Young recovers and rams Daniels into 3 consecutive turnbuckles,
before Daniels fights back and shoves Young across the ring. At this time, we
see that Shannon Moore is back on the top of the TNAtron with the sign “The X division needs to be Punk’d!”,
and Don West once again earns my eternal hatred by calling him the Prince of Punk again. Back in the
match, Young climbs up top for a moonsault, but Daniels catches him MID-FUCKING MOONSAULT to slam him on his stomach. Sweet. Daniels then hits an enzuiguri
and a rock bottom, which sets up the Best MoonSault Evah, which he easily hits. Before
he can get the 3 count though, D’amore jumps up on the apron to distract the ref.
Daniels uses this time to hit the Angel’s Wings on Young, and pins him just as the ref turns around for the 3
count. The Winnah: “The Fallen Angel” Christopher Daniels Match Rating: 3/5. Good match that showcased Daniels abilities here, and it had that amazing spot where Daniels carried Young over mid-moonsault. It seemed like they tried to cram too many angels in here though, what with Daniels/Joe,
Shelley, and Moore all being focal points. But hey, they only have an hour, so
I can’t complain. We go backstage
to see Kip James, B.G. James, and “Bullet” Bob Armstrong. Bullet
says that he thought that 4 Live Kru had it all together, but it all fell apart (Isn’t that a Abyss w/ James Mitchell vs. Chris Sabin As the match
starts, Abyss shoves Sabin across the ring a couple of times in the obligatory power spots.
Sabin tries to arm drag Abyss with no luck, so Abyss tosses him again into a turnbuckle and then shoulderblocks him
down to the mat. Sabin gives Abyss a dropkick to the head, then one to the knee,
and then a sweet shining wizard as the fight spills outside. Sabin tries to take
down Abyss with a headscissor, but Abyss grabs Sabin’s legs and repeatedly swings Sabin’s head into the steel
steps HARD. Very cool spot. Abyss
brings Sabin inside where he applies what Tenay calls a “neck vice”, which is basically just Abyss trying to twist
Sabin’s head off like a retard trying to open a pickle jar. We also see
Dave Hebner up on the ramp, taking notes and looking confused. He ain’t
the only one. Sabin powers
out and starts to fight back with 2 consecutive enzuiguris, but Abyss doesn’t fall to the mat. Sabin goes up top for
a missile dropkick, but Abyss still doesn’t fall. Sabin then hits a tilt-a-whirl
DDT to finally get the big man down to the mat. Sabin tries to set up the Cradleshock,
but can’t get Abyss up for it, so he jumps off the rope to hit a spinning heel kick, but Abyss catches him mid-air and
hits the Black-Hole Slam for the 3 count. The Winnah: Abyss Match Rating: 3.5/5. Good match that both showcased Sabin’s ability to bump and Abyss’s ferocity. Plus, the spot where Abyss swung Sabin into the steps was brutal.
Cool stuff. Time for
a piss break, because I have been drinking copious amounts of beer. As we come
back from commercial, we see that Sonjay Dutt, Shark Boy, and Simon Diamond were overseas for a TNA tour of Ron “The Truth” Killings vs. Kenny King Killings
dances his way down to the aisle, while King is already in the ring waiting to be pinned.
Match starts as King ambushes Killings while he is still dancing and hits a spinning back kick for a 2 count. King then throws Killings into the turnbuckle and hits a shoulderblock. Killings then fights back and hits a missile dropkick and a leg lariat.
He then pumps himself up (not that way) and hits a front suplex which leads to him stealing another page out of Booker’s
play book and hits the Axe Kick for the 3 count. The Winnah: Ron “The Truth” Killings “The
Bullet” Bob Armstrong then comes up to the ramp, as Don West says that Bullet looks great for a man of 66, in a very
awkward and uncomfortable moment. Before Bullet can get a word in though, Killings grabs a mic and says that he is done, and
that he has nothing to say, before starting to dance like he has Parkinson’s again.
Bob Armstrong looks sad and walks to the back. Aw, sad old men make me
cry…… After a commercial,
we are “treated” to a Raven video package that basically has Raven complaining about Larry Zbyszko and hanging
out in a boarded up house in a straight-jacket and writing “DIE ZBYSZKO” on the walls. Meh…. We go to
the ring for the Main event as Christian Cage is set to take on Chris Harris of Christian Cage vs. “The Wildcat” Chris Harris w/ “Cowboy” James Storm &
“Fucking Hot” Gail Kim As soon as
the bell rings, Storm grabs Christian’s leg from the outside, prompting referee Rudy Charles to eject Storm from ringside
as we go to our final commercial break. When we come
back, Christian takes down Harris with a shoulderblock and a quick hiptoss. Christian
then goes to the outside to chase Gail Kim around the ring, until Harris blindsides him with a clothesline and drops Christian
on the security railing. After tossing him inside, Harris gives Christian a delayed
vertical suplex and a double sledgehammer off the top-rope for a 2 count. We
then see a head lock which leads to Christian “Canuckin’ Up” and trying to break the hold, only to see Gail
Kim grab his hair from outside when he backs off from Harris. Harris then tries
to rush Christian, leading to Christian tossing him outside the ring (and damn near killing him in the process as Harris nearly
pulls a Lita by landing dangerously on his head). Harris comes back in and misses
a double sledgehammer from the top rope, leading to Christian firing himself up with 2 clotheslines and a spinning heel kick
for a 2 count. Christian then hits a picture perfect swinging DDT off the 2nd
rope for another 2 count. Christian
then goes up top, but Gail Kim tries to grab his leg, only to get shoved off. Christian
dives off the rope but misses the frog-splash, leading to Harris getting a quick 2 count.
Christian then tries for the Unprettier, but Harris rakes the eyes and then power slams him to the mat. Harris goes for the handcuffs, but before he can use them, Christian hits his reverse DDT and covers Harris. Before the ref can make the count, Gail Kim jumps up on the apron and distracts the
ref, while James Storm runs in from the back and Pearl Harbors poor Christian with the Tag Team Championship belt. Harris
goes for the cover, but Christian kicks out at 2 and 7/8ths. Harris
then tries to set up Christian for the Catatonic, but Christian reverses it to an attempted Unprettier, but before he can
hit it, James Storm jumps up on the apron. Christian rams Harris’s head
into Storm’s balls in a spot that made Pat Patterson sweat, then hits the Unprettier on Harris for the win. The Winnah: Christian Cage Match Rating: 4/5. Very well-paced match that had a lot of back and forth action and some very good false finishes. By far the best match I’ve seen on Impact so far. After the
match, Jarrett runs in to beat on Christian, but Christian escapes out of the ring and starts to taunt Jarrett. Monty Brown comes from behind and ambushes him though, and this leads to a beat down in which Monty drops
Christian on both the security rail and the announce table, and a hard chair shot from Jarrett. The 2 get Christian back into the ring as Jarrett tells Christian to have a merry Xmas. AMW then comes back in and sets up Christian for the Pounce (PERIOD!).
Jarrett then pulls up Christian, who can’t even stand at this point and does a great job of selling the beat
down, and hits the Stroke on the NWA Championship Belt and stands over Christian as the show comes to a close. The “Money” Spot of the Night: Lots to choose from this week, including Daniels floating Young
over mid-moonsault and Harris damn near killing himself. Hell, even Christian’s
Jarrett promo qualifies. But I gotta give this week’s award to Abyss and
Sabin. The spot where Abyss just swung Sabin into the steel steps looked so brutal
and even I winced when it happened. Now, that was fucking money. Overall Analysis: Pretty good show this week. They didn’t
overplay the Sting angle, which I liked, and they also finally pushed Christian as the #1 contender to the title, which he
is since he won the match against Monty Brown at Turning Point. Daniels and Young
also put on a great match that was only hampered by the fact that they tried to cram 3 or 4 angles into one match, and it
got too cluttered. Every 45 seconds they were cutting away to something new. Pimpin’…..is surprisingly easy. Make sure
to check out James Walker’s Christmas Carol, and then go buy the goose as big as Rey Mysterio! The ‘Fans
resident bitch, Renee, shows us that the gossip behind the curtain is surprisingly juicy, so go check out Just a Thought for the latest dish. Richard argues
for Mickie James in this week’s One Man Conchairto, and makes a pretty good case while he is at it. Harry returns
for the Holiday Season and pulls a classic Clustershmazz out of his stocking with a review of the DVD that Vince doesn’t want you to see, the RVDVD! Finally,
go vote for Writer of the Year. *Psssst….the answer is James Walker* Happy Holidays,
to you and yours folks. Sorry if my game was off this week but I am really smashed
right now, and plan to be for the next few days. Happy New Year kids! Chris Jericho Christian Cage comes out,
looking more emo than ever. Christian asks Santa if he still knows where he lives and what can he do to look more like a world
champion. Hell, my advice would be to knock boots with Jarrett, but that’s
a whole ‘nother story (hey, how else can Siaki have a job?). Santa says
that he has some stuff for Christian to look more like a respectable world champion, starting with white jeans. Christian laughs and asks if this is 1985. Santa then gives
Christian a shirt that has a good slogan that a world champion would have, it’s Jarrett’s old WWF “Don’t
Piss Me Off” shirt. Christian, in the line of the night, looks at it for
a second, then says “That’s Money”. Hey! That motherfucker stole my slogan! Santa then gives Jeff Christian
a pair of Jarrett looking sunglasses as the crowd starts to chant “Double C”, and I can’t figure out if
it’s directed at Christian or Traci. Santa then says he has things to do,
while looking at Traci (to which the crowd chants “Stuff her Stocking”), but not before handing Jeff Christian
a ukulele, while Christian begins to do the Jarrett strut. Before Christian can
cut a promo though, Monty Brown and the real Jeff Jarrett (I think, it could be that Jackie Gayda cut her hair) come down
to beat him down, but Christian escapes up the ramp as the Sting scorpion flashes on the TNAtron once more.
Hey there, kats and kittens. Sorry
for the delay, but finals were last week, then yours truly had to trek his frozen ass down to Anyways, we get started with
a recap of Turning Point, which saw Team 3D turn back AMW in a Tables Match, Sabu finally get a win over Abyss in a sadistic
Barb Wire Match, Samoa Joe beat the ever-loving crap outta A.J. Styles to win the X Division Championship, and Jeff Jarrett’s
ego got the better of the Man-beast Rhino. Oh……and some dude named
Sting appeared too. THE HALF-WITZ TNA IMPACT REPORT 12.17.05 As the show kicks off, we are
“treated” to Jeff Jarrett coming down, and damn if he doesn’t look metro sexual. Seriously, the man looks like he just stepped out of a GAP commercial with Sarah Jessica Parker. I honestly thought he was going to start singing about Old Navy Capris or something. Jarrett comes down and asks who,
what, when, where, why to Mike Tenay, who is looking border-line retarded at this point.
Tenay says he isn’t Columbo, and Jarrett responds that if TNA management wants a war, they’ll get a war,
and tonight Jarrett will make a statement. Um….did I miss a line of dialogue? Samoa Joe comes down for his
match, but not before having a face-off with Jarrett on the ramp, in which Jarrett eventually begs off. Joe gets into the ring to face the debuting Jay Lethal, who is already in the ring and got no intro music. What, was he in the ring during ALL of Jarrett’s rambling dialogue? “The Samoan Submission Machine” Jay Lethal is announced from
being from the hardcore city of Joe shoulderblocks Jay, which
leads to the lads giving each other hiptosses, and a quick series of counters and attempted moves that lead to a face-off. Joe then starts in with the kicks, but then eats a dropsault and a spinning heel kick
from Jay, who then nails Joe with a vicious standing dropkick to the back of the head for a 2 count. Joe gets angry and hits an inverted atomic drop and a boot to the head on Lethal as the tempo goes back
up to 11. A sweet senton back splash on Jay nearly kills the poor jobber. Ever been squashed by a flying fat Samoan? I
have. It was a game of touch football I played in The Winnah: The Undefeated Match Rating: 3/5. Not a bad match, and it did what in needed to do, but I’d still like to see a non-jobber match with
Joe that doesn’t take place on a PPV. I’d also like a blow job from
Thandie Newton (what? I have a thing for Aussie chicks), but it ain’t gonna
happen either. We cut to Shane Douglas interviewing
Konnan and Ron “The Truth” Killings about Konnan turning on BG and Kip James at Turning Point. Shane asks K Dawg why he did what he did (and manages not to say the word “fuck” in the span
of 3 sentences, to which I am pleasantly surprised). Konnan says the he redirected
the course of the inevitable (wha?) and adds that Kip James can’t come in and grind on his block. Um, Konnan, given ol’ Billy’s former personas, I wouldn’t invite him to do that. Killings says that he is lost and wants nothing to do with any of them, because he
doesn’t know who he can trust. Konnan runs after him saying he promises
not to drool on the pillow anymore. Ok, that last part was fake. Commercials bore me We are back, as Alex Shelly is
making his way down to the ring with a doo rag and a camera. R Kelly, watch out! Alex Shelly w/ camera vs. Matt Bentley w/ Generic Whore…I mean Traci As Bentley makes his way down
to the ring with Traci as some fans near the ring do what Tenay calls the “Bentley Bounce”, which is basically
moving from side to side in time with the music. Seriously, if you were mentally
challenged and huffed paint, you could still do this. The Macarena this ain’t. Match starts out with some hard
shots by Shelly. Bentley then counters a backdrop into a hiptoss and a dropkick. Shelly then shoots Bentley into the turnbuckle, but then runs straight into Bentley’s
boot, which sets up a second rope missile dropkick and a 2 count. Shelley then
hits a very graceful spinning heel kick and takes control with a backdrop. This
is where the match went weird. Shelly puts a head scissors on Bentley while they
are on the ground, and then proceeds to hump Bentley’s head repeatedly into the mat.
Tenay called it a head stomp. I call it gay. Seriously, Billy n’ Chuck never did anything like that. Matt regains control with some
knife edge chops and then gets a running knee lift into the turnbuckle and a sweet swinging DDT for a 2 count. Shannon Moore then appears on top of the entrance ramp set in make-up and a weird trench coat, with a sign
that says “The X Division needs to get punk’d”. Don West calls him the Prince of Pop. Whatthehellever, to
me he looks like one of those glow in the dark thugs from “Batman Forever” with all of that lipstick on. Musta
raided Jeff Hardy’s wardrobe. Shelly is distracted by The Winnah: Alex Shelly Don West now is referring to
Match Rating: 3.5/5. Solid
good match. Not PPV quality of course, but still very good that showed actual
back and forth wrestling, albeit at a slow tempo. We go backstage where Jarrett
and Shane Douglas are looking for Sting. They run into AMW, and ask where they
can find Monty Brown. Jarrett informs us all that Monty Brown is the “wild
card” in the war he is starting. Gail Kim and her breasts then show up
and she looks pissed off as all hell. She yells at Jarrett for bringing in Jackie
Gayda to TNA. Jarrett says they will talk about this later as Gail looks pissed
off some more. Still, its nice to see a Korean with puppies that aren’t
going to be put in the main course of a dinner (Ouch, even I thought that was tasteless). Oh look, commercials! Shane Douglas is interviewing
Abyss with his scars and James Mitchell with his fucking creepy hairy caterpillars on his forehead that he calls his eyebrows. Mitchell says that Abyss wants his title shot, and that the current contenders are
just a petting zoo, with a Raven, a Rhino, and a dumb beast from the Serengeti. Dude,
that is a fucked up petting zoo. Mitchell then says Abyss has challenged everything he has feared and won, and threatens to
pull the trigger on the bomb that is Abyss. Coach D’amore interrupts and
says he and Mitchell have lots to talk about. Judging by their waste lines, I’d
say its pudding. The “Man-Beast” Rhino vs. Joe Doring Rhino makes it down to the ring
as Joe Doring is in the ring without any intro. Jesus, this is gonna be quick. Rhino runs in and starts beating on Joe as Tenay remarks that Rhino would have been
NWA Champion if Team The Winnah: The “Man-Beast” Rhino Match Rating: 1/5. Squash
match that lasted less the minute. Meh….. Rhino then grabs the mic and
says he just kicked Joe’s bitch ass. The fans cheer and then start chanted
“You got screwed”. Weird, Missy Hyatt gets the same chant. Rhino then says it took all of Jarrett’s bitches to beat him, but he still made Jeff bleed. He promises that he and Jarrett will cross paths again, and he will rip all of Team
Canada in half to get to Coach D’amore. Cool. We go back to Shane and Jarrett
again, who run into the Diamonds in the Rough. Jarrett asks if they are all with
him, to which Simon Diamond says they are, and that they have always been big fans of Jeff.
Jarrett then asks if they have seen Monty Brown, to which they say no and then go get ready for their match with Team
3D. Jarrett turns around to face Gail Kim again, who says they need to talk. Jeff blows her off and walks away. Don’t
hate the player, hate the game, girl! Commercials for Xmas! We are back with Shane (once
again), who is now interviewing Larry Zbysko. Larry says he had to be held back
from destroying Raven a week ago, but he is sorry that he lost his cool. Yeah,
that’s how you get talent over, have them get their asses kicked by a 60 year old.
Larry then says that at Final Resolution, he will pick Raven’s opponent in a match of Larry’s choosing. If Raven wins, he gets a shot at the NWA title, but if he loses, he is fired. The Diamonds are already in the
ring as Team 3D is introduced. Holy fuck, did Devon get jacked up or what? All I am saying is that he better be glad he is in TNA, ‘cause with Vince’s
new anti-drug policy, he’d be out on his ass quick. Team 3D vs. Diamonds in the Rough Elix Skipper and David Young w/ Simon Diamond Team 3D instantly runs in and
beats on Young and Skipper, as “Brother” Ray gives Skipper a sidewalk slam and a cover for a 2 count. Ray then clotheslines Skipper for another 2 count. Young runs in and eats a double flapjack by “Brother”
Devon before getting tossed outside. Devon then shows an amazing feat of strength
(all natural, he swears) by press slamming Skipper out of the ring, which leads us to a commercial. When we get back, Ray and Skipper
are in the ring. Ray beats on Skipper, till Simon grabs Ray’s feet from
the outside and trips Ray up, leading to Skipper capitalizing by beating on Ray before tagging Young in. The camera then shows Dave Hebner on the ramp observing and taking notes.
Probably just getting the wrestler’s shirt sizes. Ah, I kid. Back in the ring, Skipper is beating on Ray till Ray starts to “Bubba”
out until Skipper shuts him down again with a hot clothesline. Skipper is then
tagged in as the beating continued. Ray then hits a sloppy spinebuster out of
nowhere for a 2 count. Skipper then walks into a Bubba bomb and finally tags
Devon in as Skipper tags in Young. Devon cleans house and hits a flying shoulderblock
on Young and a neckbreaker on Skipper. A vicious spinebuster on Young follows,
as does a pinning attempt, but Skipper breaks it up. Young then gets hit with
a flying faceplant and Skipper is tossed outside as Young eats a reverse 3-D. Simon Diamond then jumps up on the apron and holds Devon for Skipper, but Devon ducks
and Skipper hits Simon instead. This sets up Skipper for the Doomsday Device
and then the 3-D on Young. A 3 count later and that is all she wrote. The Winnah: Team 3-D Match Rating: 2.5/5. Not a bad tag match, and it was nice to see some back n’ forth action for once,
but all the guys did was brawl. Meh, I’m tired and half drunk. Maybe it wasn’t that bad. We got back to the locker room
where all the bad guys have congregated. Jarrett asks D’amore (who is eating
of course), if he has seen Monty Brown. D’amore says he has, but that Monty
said that he’d give D’amore the Pounce (PERIOD!) if he didn’t leave.
Jeff then says that the bad guys need to go to the ring for his statement. Last commercial, I promise! We come back to see footage of
Jeff Jarrett (wearing the same fucking outfit he is wearing tonight. What, does
he not bathe?) and A.J. Styles at the Spike VGAs. They also tease interaction
between Jeff Jarrett and the Rock backstage at the ceremony. Could a TNA debut
for the Rock be far behind? Yeah, probably. We are back in the ring with
all of the no-goodniks in TNA. As Jarrett starts his speech, the crowd chants
“boring”. No shit. Jeff
says that TNA has been bringing in new guys like Christian Cage, Team 3D, and Rhino in an effort to kill off Jeff Jarrett. Oh, if only. Jarrett then asks AMW, Team
Canada, and Abyss if they are with him in his war against TNA management. Coach
D’amore also adds the proof is in the pudding (is all this guy thinks about is food?).
All the bad guys say that they are with Jarrett, so Jarrett then calls out Monty Brown.
Monty Brown comes out in a shirt that looks like it used to be my Mom’s drapes.
This guy has the fashion sense of a gay Stevie Wonder. Monty gets in the
ring and says that the Serengeti isn’t a wild-life preserve (could have fooled me), it’s a place where the Alpha
Male can run wild. Monty then says that TNA is holding him back. He then says that he has never liked Jeff Jarrett, but likes his fashion sense and choice of clothes (told
you). Monty says he has always lived by 3 rules:
Kill or be killed, Hunt or be Hunted, and No Fat Chicks (just kidding, it was Survival of the Fittest, which is sorta
the same thing if you think about it). He then lets out a mighty RAWR!!! and
says he will join with Jarrett. Fuck, can’t we ever have a NORMAL Monty
Brown promo? Does one even exist. The
lights then dim and the Sting scorpion appears on the screen as Team 3D, Christian Cage, Rhino stand at the ramp looking mean
as Tenay says the battle lines for the war have been drawn. The “Money” Spot of the Night: To clarify, this isn’t necessarily the highlight of the night. It’s just the spot of the night that would make you exclaim “That was fucking money”. This week’s award goes to Samoa Joe’s senton back splash on Jay Lethal. Who knew a fat man could fly through the air so quickly without a buffet involved. Overall analysis: A bit better fair in terms of matches than last week, and they definitely slowed down the pace a bit, which
is good. However, the matches are still basically Jobber matches, which really
sucks, since they are supposed to be providing an alternative to WWE. Also, there
was basically ZERO mention of Christian until he appeared at the end, even though he is supposed to be the #1 contender for
the NWA belt. Oh well, there is always next week. A Pimp Named Slickback!!! Be sure to
check out James Walker’s new musical tribute to WWE right here. Then go vote for him for Writer of the Year. Seriously, the guy deserves it. The Good
Doctor Gonzo upstages us all with his Alcohol-Fueled Smackdown! Report and delves into the mystery of THE DAVE and Melina’s sweet sweet man love.
Cameron Burge
also gives us his take on King Kong, which is better than mine, because I’m still pissed off they didn’t have Kong throw his poop. He’s a monkey damnit! Justin Shapiro
also shows us the Passion of Christian Cage. He jobbed for your sins, you know. Th-th-th-th-that’s
all folks. Catch you next week where I promise to be both offensive and not be
late (my girlfriend promised the same thing, but it didn’t turn out that well).
Lata.
Winners: AMW and Jeff Jarrett.
Not a bad match, and it did what it was supposed too, but
switching of legal men halfway through was really confusing. Still, AMW and Jarrett look strong going into Turning Point,
which is the whole point.
Red gets us started with a few weak kicks to Joe’s ample midsection
before Joe completely flattens the poor kid with a clothesline. Joe then hits a knee drop and a running knee lift in
the corner in succession before getting distracted by Shelley ringside leading to a Red surprise roll-up for 2.
Red then hits a dragon whip and a modified head scissors, which he hit while Joe was still on his knees, which made for an
Amazing spot (Pun very intended). Red then hits the Standing SSP for a 2 count. Joe then goes completely bat shit
insane and hits a huge powerslam mid-ring, which leads right into the Muscle Buster (which he hits so hard it knocks off Red’s
bandanna) and Rear Naked Chokeout for the win.
Winner: The Undefeated Samoa Joe
Rating:
3/5. Good squash that furthered Joe’s rep as a complete BAMF.
4 Live Kru comes out and does their usual spiel that BJ and Konnan were doing 7 years ago, and
unveils Kip James’s new slogan: I’m Kip James Bitch!, which is met with total dead silence from the crowd.
2 jobbers in Satan garb make their way to the ring only to be met by a Rolling Thunder Lariat from Konnan on Helvis (?).
Kip then hits a Chokeout Slam on Sin (?) before Konnan locks on the Tequila Sunrise for the tap out.
Winners: Kip James
and Konnan
Rating:1/5.
Bleh, a total of 3 moves. Hey, at least they got Konnan off my TV quickly.
Seriously, has he been putting on guilt weight or what? Guy looks like he put on 10 pounds
of pizza and ice cream.
Winner: Christian Cage.
TWF FLASHBACK
November 2006
SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!
With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).
POPULAR UPDATES
SATIRE: WWE's Discontinued X-Mas Products
DVD Review: End Game, Starring Kurt Angle
50+ Random Star Wars Lines You Can Use In The Middle Of Sex To Hilarious Results
CLASSIC SATIRE: ECW Goes Sci-Fi
Stephen Rivera's 4th Fall: Introduction
Broken News: U.S. Hero with Golden Trunks Becomes Homeless Man
When Wrestling Merchandise Goes Bad: WWE Finger Rings
CLASSIC SATIRE: Guess Who's HHHaving a Baby?
Broken News: WWE Pro Grappling "Gentle Giant" Reunited with Estranged Son
TWF Entertainment: VH1's 40 Greatest Celebrity Feuds
The WWE Developmental Rookie Name Generator
Wacky TV Recapitation: Hulk Hogan's Celebrity Championship Wrestling
BACON'S BIGTIME PPV REPORT OF NIGHT OF CHAMPIONS & SUCH.
VIDEO SATIRE: 'Til Death Do Us Part!
SATIRE: WWE Acquires the History Channel!
Sean Carless's WRESTLING WITH MANIA
CLASSIC SATIRE: RAW is STAR WARS!